u/jbroui13

8 months separated; 15 years together, 8 of those married, two small children. He is awful. A horrible, egotistical, emotionally manipulative, cheating sorry excuse for a “man.” Yet i miss him. I know i shouldnt, i have no desire for him to be a part of my life any longer. I look back on our years together and point out countless moments and interactions that were so unhealthy and harmful.

I know its not him i miss right now. Its the companionship. The body i could lay next to and feel emotionally connected to. The connection i convinced myself was safety and protection. That is what im lacking today. Im terrified whether i will ever be able to feel that for someone else again. There is someone i have been talking to/unofficially dating for a couple of months now. He wants to offer me that companionship, but my heart is refusing it and i dont know why. How do you learn to open your heart again?

I think the fact that i have to see/interact with my ex regularly due to coparenting definitely hinders my ability to let go of him completely. Today is just one of those sucky days… fuck him for putting me through this.

Really just want some opinions and thoughts from others on my current dynamic because i really dont have anyone in real life to discuss this stuff with.

Ex and i have been separated for about 7 months now and have two children, 1 & 3. Since the separation, he began staying at his parents home which is about a 10 minute drive from our married home, so not too far.

At the start of it all (even now), i voiced how reluctant i was at the thought of having to split our kids between homes. Ive expressed that i wish they could be in our married home as much as possible because i want them to see it as their “home.” At the start, my ex would stay at the house with us at night until the kids were in bed, he would leave, then return in the morning to help get them ready and take them to daycare. This was to maintain an illusion of normality for the three years old (our baby was and still is too young to understand.) so, the three years old spent the nights at home with me every night; but because our baby was still waking during the night, we agreed to alternate who she stayed with so that one of us didnt have to be the only one waking with her every single night.

We did that for a while but naturally, things began to shift. The illusion we were trying to put up didnt last long. My ex started leaving the house earlier in the night and our three year old would notice and ask. We would just tell her that he is going to spend the night at her grandma’s house. (Note: my in laws have been and continue to be super involved with our kids. Even prior to separation, my kids would see their grandparents almost daily and sometimes spend the night, so visiting/spending the night over there isnt such an out of the ordinary occurrence as far as she is concerned.)

Eventually, the dynamic of having our three year old to myself every single night, and our baby every other night in addition, was not really working for me. I realized i need some breaks in the evenings. However, im still so reluctant to changing.. its like i just try to make changes as small as possible. So i came up with a schedule that we still use to this day. Basically, we each have 1 kid one night, the other the next, then both the next. So each of ends up getting two “free nights” a week. Example: i have our three year old on monday while he has our baby, he has them both on tuesday, i have our baby on wednesday and both on Thursday. Then he has them both on friday and i have our three year old on Saturday.

This has been going on since about March and i think its at a point where it feels “routine” and familiar enough. But im worried because i know this is not sustainable. I do not want to keep our kids separated especially as our baby is beginning to get older. Even with my tuesday and Friday nights “off,” i feel like i still need more time and space to myself and then i feel such extreme mom guilt for thinking that way. I end up visiting them on tuesdays and fridays most times anyway so really fridays become my only opportunity for “me” time. I dont want to sound like im complaining, just noting that i know this is not sustainable, especially as they get older and as i hope to eventually find love again (hard to date when you get 1 night a week away from kids and i dont intend on bringing anyone new to my home or in front of my kids until i know them long enough).

I think something like a week on/week off is a much better and more sustainable way to go… but my mom guilt stops me from even suggesting it. How can i voluntarily ask for more time away from my children?! It just feels awful.. also, their dad does not get it. Because he is at his parents, whenever he has the kids, his mom is 100% helping with a majority of their care. When i have them; im by myself. I am not complaining about that- just pointing out he will not understand the exhaustion the way i do.

I just ultimately want what is easiest for my children.

Hello; im new here and really hoping for some advice for an upcoming situation.

My ex and i have two young children (3 and 1). We have only been separated since january. He has been living with his parents and me at our marital home. We are trying best we can to be amicable and cooperative coparents; but are still very new to this and are kind of feeling it out still.

He cheated so i still have some very hurt feelings toward him at times. Some moments i can manage a lot better than others. For the sake of our kids; i support the idea of still doing things as a family like taking them to the park with him, eating dinner together some nights, etc.

A month ago, his family went on their usual beach trip and invited me. I had no issue going bc in my mind i thought “yea i love the beach. Im bringing my kids, we do this every year. I dont have to hangout with my ex the whole time.” It ended up being much more difficult than i thought emotionally.

Anyway, now my family has a big trip coming up and they of course want me to go. It would be my entire family all staying together in a cabin in the mountains. This trip is about 10 hours a drive from my current home.

I cannot decide if i want to go, or how i would go..

1. My initial thought was to b

ring

1. my ex along primarily just as an extra set of hands to help with the kids. After that beach trip though; i just dont know that i could handle being around him this whole trip.
2. I could go by myself… but i really dont think i ca

n

1. handle both kids on my own. My parents offer to help but i have to be realistic: my parents are not the most hands-on type of help when it comes to the kids.

2. I could go with just my three year old and leave my baby with my ex. I absolutely do NOT want to do this. My heart cannot fathom the thought of leaving my baby behind. My sister in law suggested this one. She has four kids and has gone on trips where she left her youngest with her parents and said it was the best decision in some scenarios

4. My best friend suggests i just cut my loss and miss the trip this year. Accept that it is just too much to deal with right now

5. I

6. can go; bring my ex, but have him as distant as possible from me during the trip. We can even drive separately.

Want to hear from other coparents who may have had a weird situation like this before… any advice please!

Few months separated by now. My stbxh is not a good person. This is something i need to remind myself of constantly. He cheated on me multiple times and has torn our family apart. Yet here i am struggling on a rough sunday evening. Dealing with sunday blues. And i realize i have no one to collapse into. Even though he was awful; there was still a calm and reassurance knowing another adult was there. Now its just absolute loneliness.

How do you cope?