r/Separation

I’m going to preface this with I have zero real life friends to talk to about this so I apologize if this gets a little long.

My wife and I have been married for over 20 years, and she recently told me she wants to get a lawyer and pursue a legal separation. I don’t want this at all. I love her more than I can explain, and the thought of losing her is absolutely destroying me.
At the same time, I need to be honest: I’m not a victim here. Over the years, I’ve repeatedly damaged her trust through lying, secrecy, and defensiveness. We’d go through a major issue, I’d feel remorse, apologize, and believe I had changed, but eventually I’d fall back into similar patterns in new ways.
I had my first therapy session today with someone who specializes in complex childhood trauma. She suggested that some of my patterns,especially secrecy and lying, are often seen in people with trauma histories. I’m not using my childhood as an excuse. I take full responsibility for my actions.
Through therapy, I’m hoping to figure out why I repeat these patterns, what happens internally before I make these choices, and how to permanently break the cycle.
Right now, my wife and I are still living together, but emotionally we are very distant. I want to reach out to her, but I’m also trying to respect her need for space. I wrote her a letter taking accountability and acknowledging things I now understand differently, but I’m not pressuring her to respond.
I’m also trying not to turn therapy into “how do I convince my wife to stay.”
I want reconciliation, but I know real change can’t be driven only by fear of loss. It has to be permanent.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you! For those of you who have been through a separation, and especially those who were able to reconcile, I have a few questions.
First, what the hell am I supposed to be doing right now? I feel so lost and defeated.
How do I show her real change without pressuring her to change her mind? I know this step is going to take a long time, but I hope to be able to genuinely show her that things can be different.
If you were in her shoes, what actually helped to make you feel safe that your partner wouldn’t hurt you again?
And most importantly, if you are the person who caused the pain, how did you break the cycle and actually change instead of just feeling remorse.

I’m scared I’ve finally understood too late. But I want to handle this in a way that respects her, gives her space, and helps me become someone who never repeats this pattern again.

36f, husband is 38. We have 2 beautiful little boys. We’ve been together 8yrs, married 4. I finally had enough and left him. But today I have this huge sadness.
These are just the big blow up high lights;

For yrs we have fought for yrs over his drinking. In yr 1: I have waited up till 4am, pregnant with our first son. For him to come in stumbling drunk. He screamed at me and slammed stuff around. When that one was 3months old. He went out with his dad on more than one occasion to drink. Never coming home, wouldn’t answer my calls or text. If I brought it up. Let the screaming match begin, and he would break my stuff. I kicked him out, and he begged me to let him come back. So I did, cause of our first child.

Year 2 We buy a house in the area he wants to live in, under my name. He stopped breaking my stuff. Drinking was semi better. Still would pull the stay gone all night. I was pregnant with my angel baby. He was supposed to leave for Vegas to bowl with his dad. That morning he was getting ready to go. I started bleeding. I told him I thought I was losing the baby. He left me, for Vegas and his dad. My mom took me to a obgyn appointment to confirm the fetus was gone. I stayed mad and didn’t really speak to him for a long time.

Year 3 We still fight over the drinking. Say awful things to each other. He will stand nose to nose with me. Won’t let me pass by him. I’ve had to physically shove him or something a few times, to get him to physically move. So I can leave the house, with our oldest witnessing this. To go stay at a hotel or my parents. He tells me “I’ll stop drinking, I’ll get a new job. My behavior is deplorable.”

Year 4 We are engaged and pregnant with my youngest. Oldest is home with strep. His brother who’s also an alcoholic, was going through a divorce. His brothers brother in law, who was also an alcoholic. Killed himself. My husband, I’m going to go to the wake with my brother. I’ll be home later. Me “Please don’t go get drunk. We have a sick baby.” 5hrs go by he tells me “I’m getting yall nachos.” 1hr later I’m standing at the bar in Joe tacos, having a fight. Holding my 3yrs old. We leave and go home. The fight continues, into our driveway. As I’m holding my son, approximately 4months pregnant. And he’s there screaming at me for having the nerve to confront him and his brother at the bar. I kicked him out, called off our wedding. He doesn’t speak to me for days. Then begs me to take him back and he will never do it again. So we end up marrying in the next month.

Year 5 We have another huge fight about staying working for his brothers and drinking. I tell him that he needs to find a new job, and get sober. We do the screaming thing call each other awful names. I kick him out, and get divorce papers. I’m going to file, and he falls off a roof. Breaking his arm and pelvis. So I stay with him. Help him, pay his medical bills, he used to pay me back for. Now he just sometimes does.

Years 6-7 same type of behavior off and on. Not always bad. But still the drinking and lying continues.

Year 8 Most recently. I’ve shown up at his job, a couple of times the past 2wks. Caught him drinking, he will chunk the can. Tells me I was picking up my brothers or other coworkers. I’m not drinking. This past Thursday, “I’m here alone. I’m closing down the job about to leave” he butt dials me and I can hear the opposite of what he just told me, in the background. He comes home. I won’t speak to him. He gets mad. All Friday we never spoke. He tells my son “No I’m not coming home. Your mom sent me a ✌️ text. She doesn’t want me there.” I tell my son “no that’s your dad’s choice. I didn’t tell him to stay out.” Son calls his daddy 1hr later “Oh ya buddy I’ll be home My coworker is dying. I’m helping him” about 40mins later my son calls again “ya I’m coming home. I’m just helping this guy who’s actively dying.” So I called in a wellness check. The cops show up, can find no one. They’re hiding in their shop. Call me looking for my husband and his coworker. I give them my husband’s number. Tell them what he drives. Lo and behold, the coworker is fine. Not dying. Husband comes home. Tells me he wants a divorce. Screams nasty stuff at each other. I record him. Send it to both of our families, so they can see what he’s like in his drunken stupor. I load my kids up, go to moms. He jerked open my passenger door to flip me off. I kept driving. He stayed drunk and away all weekend. Told him get your stuff out, before we get home. He tried to love bomb me, then tried to tell me. When the love bomb text didn’t work. That I made Thursday up, and had no reason to be mad. And he didn’t lie. His coworker is still dying. I have honored his statement of “I want a divorce” and I’ve truly been at peace about it. I know it’s the best thing for myself and the kids. But today I’ve been weepy, and I don’t know why? Is that a normal response to following through with a separation?

Just curious what the general consensus/expectations are for working on a marriage before divorce.

For context, I am not talking about a cheating or abuse situations. Just talking about when 2 people grow apart, feelings change, life has changed, one person is unhappy, etc…

For me, the commitment to the other person is very important. So I think it should include the following.

A) communicate and work on things together
B) individual counselling
C) Marriage/Couple’s counselling
D) then finally separation/divorce.

My partner skipped steps 1-3 and went straight to asking for divorce. Yes, we had our issues. But nothing major that couldn’t be worked on if she had communicated. Especially when I was reaching out directly to her.

And had we done steps 1-3 and she still felt divorce was the answer, I think I could live with that easier. At least we tried to maintain our commitments and could come to a mutual understanding.

So curious what other people feel, did, or wish had a happened?

https://www.reddit.com/r/Separation/s/5cYYTYISLo

Update: Moving into my own place has been harder than I expected
I linked my previous post for context, but I wanted to give an update on where I am now.
I just moved into my new place yesterday. I haven’t really started living there yet because I still have a lot to unpack and get organized, but I may actually start staying there tonight. I’ve been staying with my mom for a while, which helped me a lot emotionally, but I know I have to start getting back into my own life now.
And honestly, I’m really overwhelmed by it.
On Monday, my ex asked me to come to my son’s meet the teacher event. I went because I wanted to be there for him, but she didn’t talk to me or even look at me the entire time. She also didn’t put any of my information down on his paperwork. I remember leaving and thinking, why was I even asked to come if I was going to be treated like I wasn’t even there?
Then I saw them again yesterday while we were finishing up the move and she was getting rid of everything. She was extremely cold toward me, and the whole experience was just surreal.
I went through everything she had put aside for junk removal, as well as the rest of the apartment, and made a separate pile of things I thought she should reconsider keeping. It wasn’t just things from our shared life that were being discarded. She had gotten rid of a huge amount of my son’s room too, probably half of his books, toys, and other things.
I found his birth box, which had letters, cards, and gifts from when he was born, along with some letters I had written over the years. I also found his video games and some toys and other things I thought he should keep. I’m glad I was at least able to pull the important things aside and that he got to have some of his things back.
She was also getting rid of things from her own life, all her crochet and pottery supplies, hobbies she had spent years doing, along with the Christmas tree and holiday things.
It was incredibly strange watching so many pieces of a life disappear at once. Things that represented years of memories, interests, childhood, and experiences were just being removed like literal garbage.
And honestly, what hurts the most is seeing how my son seems to be affected by everything.
He doesn’t talk to me or look at me the same way anymore. When we were outside playing yesterday, he seemed a little more comfortable, but even then it felt like he could barely look me in the eyes. This is a child who used to want to be as close to me as possible all the time. He would put his face against mine, hug me, tell me he loved me, and constantly want to be around me.
Seeing that change is heartbreaking.
And now I’m standing at the beginning of having my own place again.
I haven’t even really lived there yet, but just knowing that I’m about to start coming home to an empty apartment is already weighing heavily on me. After almost seven years of sharing my life and home with someone, I know the adjustment is going to be difficult.
I’m already struggling with eating and sleeping again, and the sadness and anxiety have been overwhelming. Staying with my mom gave me some comfort and helped me get through the worst parts, but now I have to start getting on with my life and learning how to be on my own again.
I have boxes everywhere, things to unpack, and a whole apartment to turn into a home. I’m trying to see that as something positive, but emotionally I’m just overwhelmed. It feels like I’m surrounded by reminders of everything I lost while simultaneously being expected to start building something new.
I know I need to keep moving forward, and I am trying. I just don’t know how to adjust to this yet.
For anyone who has gone through a long-term separation and suddenly had to start living alone again, how did you get through this part? How did you make your new place feel like home? How did you cope with the loneliness and grief when you’re still dealing with the people and memories from the life you lost?
I could really use some support right now. I’m struggling more than I expected to.

8 months separated; 15 years together, 8 of those married, two small children. He is awful. A horrible, egotistical, emotionally manipulative, cheating sorry excuse for a “man.” Yet i miss him. I know i shouldnt, i have no desire for him to be a part of my life any longer. I look back on our years together and point out countless moments and interactions that were so unhealthy and harmful.

I know its not him i miss right now. Its the companionship. The body i could lay next to and feel emotionally connected to. The connection i convinced myself was safety and protection. That is what im lacking today. Im terrified whether i will ever be able to feel that for someone else again. There is someone i have been talking to/unofficially dating for a couple of months now. He wants to offer me that companionship, but my heart is refusing it and i dont know why. How do you learn to open your heart again?

I think the fact that i have to see/interact with my ex regularly due to coparenting definitely hinders my ability to let go of him completely. Today is just one of those sucky days… fuck him for putting me through this.

I’m two weeks into a breakup after finding out about an affair in my 6-year relationship, and I honestly feel completely blindsided. He has feelings for the other girl and tries to pursue her.

I never saw this coming, and I’m struggling to process how quickly my life changed. I’m currently staying with my parents, which I’m grateful for, but everything still feels awful and unreal.
We also have a lot of mutual friends, and no one is really taking sides, which I completely understand, but it makes the whole situation even harder.

For those who have been through something similar: how did you get through the first few weeks/months?

What actually helped you cope, accept what happened, and eventually start feeling like yourself again?
I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have been through a long-term breakup after infidelity. Right now, I’m just trying to get through one day at a time.

My wife told me about a week ago, that she felt we both weren't happy anymore, and that she thinks we should split up. Im gonna be honest I know the spark maybe wasn't there for awhile, so I maybe knew in the back of my mind this might be coming. However I was not ready for it.

We have 2 kids 9 and 3, and since the split they have both been staying in the family home with me, the first few nights were really hard. My 3 year old doesnt really understand what's happening, and my 9 year old understands and is taking it very hard, I try to explain to him that mommy and daddy still love him from the bottom of our hearts, and that everything's going to be OK.

I've told him if he wanted too he could go spend the night with his mom whenever he wants, he can video call her if he needs or wants too, he has his own cell phone just recently got it for him.

After telling me she wanted to split she left, and stayed at her parents house, thats fine, I told her she didn't have to leave the house but I understand if she wanted too and that it was completly her choice.

I still love my wife from the bottom of my heart, if she wanted to come back I would not stop her, however im currently extremely confused.

She has texted me everyday from morning until night, it has felt like nothings changed, the only messages we don't say or text to each other anymore is "goodnight, I love you".

She has insisted on coming over and having and even cooking supper with me even if the kids are not home or gone with friends, this was immensely helpful for the first day or so.

Now im starting to realize im more confused then I've ever been about what a split actually means, she stayed away for 6 nights, staying at her parents but during the day it seems like its no different she will come over after she gets off work, and just generally hang out until 8 or 9 pm when she leaves for the night.

I asked her if she just wanted to stay here, and i never got a response, after sitting there awkwardly for a few minutes i told her that if shes not ready to talk about it its ok and i left it, its hard for me right now I do want her back, but if she's made up her mind and doesnt want to be with me, its extremely hard for me to even think about moving on.

Today is day 7, she decided to stay at one of her friends houses 2 nights ago instead of her mom's im not sure why, its not really my buisness anyway. Her parents have always been extremely supportive, and even after the split they still are. However after staying there she spent all of the following day texting me about how hard it was staying there, again she's only gone during the nights, and I've told her can stay here until we find other solutions out if needed, I mentioned this again, and I also told her I would sleep in a separate bedroom with its own bathroom, away from her and the kids, so im not constantly around.

The kids have been sleeping in the same bed as me every night since she has left, the older child won't sleep anywhere without me right now, and that makes me so sad, I think the younger child doesnt really understand but he sees his brother getting ready to sleep in daddy's room and he will follow, its hard on us all right now so I've been just letting them stay.

Last night she decided she was going to stay here, she had a bath at one point and texted me asking me to bring her towels and conditioner, thats fine we've been married for years I would never say no, she then came into the room I was in too have a conversation and started changing in from of me, she brought the clothes with her.

I won't kick her out of this house, she's more then welcome to stay as long as she wants, but im so conflicted as to weather this means she actually wants to try and fix this? Maybe its just familiar too her and thats what easy right now that too is fine. However I can't get a straight answer, I asked her calmly what this means, and that if there really isnt a chance at fixing this I would rather not be that close or intimate with her during this time so I can try and move on. She gives me the silent treatment and doesnt respond, she doesnt get mad, but she won't give me an answer. I don't want to argue in front of our kids so I just let it go.

I also thought that maybe since this was her first night staying here in awhile she would probably just let the kids stay with her, as thats what I've been doing and she tells me how much she misses them every day, both kids asked if they could sleep with her in the master bedroom last night, I ended putting the younger kid to sleep myself in his room, and the older kid didnt want to sleep in his room by himself, so he stayed in the spare room with me.

What does all this mean, she texted me the day after we separated and said she didn't want too see me struggle, and that she would help if needed. I told her that while this was going to be hard for me, I would get through it and I think I have been doing fairly well.

She changed her name on all social media instantly, she's constantly on her phone when she is here, id like to think she's coming here too be with the kids, but she's always so angry with them, even now after this "split".

I love her from the bottom of my heart, and just want her to be happy, but if that happy isnt with me what is going on, I cant move on, I feel like im trapped all of a sudden, the nights she leaves my heart breaks and when she comes back the next day I get a burst of hope... I don't know if this is how every seperation goes, but its a lot, and I cant seem to get any clear answers from her

I want to start out that I love my husband, we’ve been together for 14 years

He also has significant mental health challenges.

He recently lost his job, to cope, went on Paxil, had a manic event, is accusing me of cheating (because of circumstances that aren’t just coincidence- like I’m buying new clothes quite a bit, but I’ve also lost 40 pounds since this time last year) but I haven’t cheated.

I’m bereft, I’m out of my mind grieving

What do I do? How do I get through the next few days? I really hope that once his head clears up, he’ll want to come home.

Despite all of this I’m not mad. Would I be mad if he had pneumonia?

Just help me get through the hours.

My husband and I separated in June after 22 years together. He moved out July 1st, so I'm still pretty new to this strange new reality.

22 years is a long time to build a life with someone. There's a lot of grief in that, but also a lot of other things I didn't expect: moments of anger, acceptance, confusion, and occasionally just laughing at the sheer absurdity of finding myself in a life I never imagined I'd be living.

I'm not really ready to put out the whole story of how it happened...it happened. But I wanted to stop sitting on the sidelines of this group and actually say hello.

I'm figuring out what this next chapter looks like one day at a time, and I suppose I'm curious to meet some other people who are figuring it out too.

Ciao sono nuovo,scriverò un testo molto lungo perché purtroppo ho bisogno di sfogarmi e sto scrivendo questo post con le lacrime agli occhi,quindi ringrazio in anticipo chi vorrà leggerlo tutto e chiunque possa darmi dei consigli❤️.
Ok,iniziamo:
Ci siamo lasciati dopo 8 anni ed attualmente mi sento a pezzi,io non ho mai visto un futuro dove non ci fosse lei,ci siamo messi insieme quando avevamo entrambi 18 anni,siamo sempre stati un po’ diversi come caratteri,a lei piaceva fare delle passeggiate,piaceva andare in campeggio,visitare luoghi nel mondo non molto turistici (almeno per me) tipo India,Cambogia,Laos ecc… io invece purtroppo sono sempre stato più “noioso”,mi piace andare in spiaggia e stare sotto l’ombrellone a prendere il sole,non mi piace tanto camminare o comunque fare fatica in generale nei week end,perché facendo già sport durante la settimana,nel week end arrivo stanco e vorrei riposarmi.
Tutte queste cose però non mi hanno mai dato fastidio più di tanto,perché io comunque ho sempre fatto ciò che lei mi chiedesse,sono andato a fare le passeggiate in collina e in montagna,sono andato nei campeggi ecc… però purtroppo per carattere mio personale,queste cose non mi piacciono tanto e lei ha sempre detto di soffrire il fatto che io facessi tutto questo per renderla felice,ma io l’ho sempre fatto col cuore,perché vederla felice era l’unica cosa che contasse per me,vederla sorridere non aveva prezzo ed era (per me) il sorriso più bello del mondo,quando sorrideva tutto il male/i miei problemi sparivano.
Siamo andati a due università un po’ distanti tra loro e ci vedevamo sempre venerdì,sabato e domenica mattina perché poi io Domenica pomeriggio giocavo e siamo sempre andati avanti così per tutto il periodo universitario.
Lei ha finito prima di me ed è andata a lavorare e al lavoro ha conosciuto questo suo collega che a suo dire condivide gli stessi suoi interessi,circa 2 mesi fa sono andati via col lavoro insieme per 20 giorni in Argentina e al suo ritorno è iniziato il dramma…
Siamo partiti circa 15 giorni fa per le vacanze e a metà vacanza mi ha confessato di provare dei sentimenti per questo collega e che anche lui ricambiava,ma che comunque non c’era stato nulla tra loro (ed io le credo).
Io me la sono un po’ presa,perché comunque non mi sembra una cosa bella e quindi tornati dalle vacanze non ci siamo sentiti fino a ieri,dove le ho chiesto di vederci per capire cosa volevamo fare.
Arrivato a casa sua,ero convinto dicesse che le sarebbe piaciuto fare pace e ricominciare (o forse era quello che volevo io) invece mi ha detto che secondo lei è meglio staccarsi perché troppo diversi,dice che le attività che vuole fare sono con la persona con cui sta e vuole vederla felice e partecipe e che condivida le cose che fanno,mentre io facevo le cose con lei solo perché la vedevo felice e non perché mi piacessero (e confesso che molte delle cose che ho fatto con lei non le ho fatte al 100% della mia felicità,però purtroppo non posso farci nulla se mi piacciono altre cose e mi sono sempre impegnato con tutto me stesso per far sembrare che mi divertissi) quindi ha detto che secondo lei essendo troppo diversi dovevamo prendere strade diverse.
Ecco a me è crollato il mondo addosso,stavo anche cercando lavoro vicino a dove abita lei in modo da andare poi a vivere insieme,volevo chiederle di sposarmi e mettere magari su famiglia,stare insieme ecc…
E mi manca,mi manca quando dormivamo abbracciati e sentire il suo respiro,il suo cuore che batte,sentire il suo profumo,mi manca quando la sera mettevamo su Stranger Things su Netflix e lei si addormentava dopo 4 minuti.
Mi manca quando mi sgridava se mi arrabbiavo troppo per qualcosa,mi manca andarla a vedere giocare a pallavolo.
Mi manca sentire come andavano le sue giornate,mi mancano i suoi baci,le sue carezze,i suoi abbracci,insomma…mi manca lei.
Era il mio tutto,se qualcosa andava male era il bastone su cui potevo appoggiarmi e se qualcosa andava bene era la prima con cui condividere la mia felicità ed io ero lo stesso per lei,lei era la mia felicità…
Senza di lei mi sento perso,sento come se non avessi più la terra sotto i piedi,io senza di lei sento di non valere nulla,era lei che dava senso alle mie giornate,era lei che dava senso a tutto,era lei che dava senso a me e ora che non è più con me vorrei morire e sento che nulla ha più senso.
So che dovrei reagire,però ora mi sento come spaesato,perché senza di lei non so davvero come fare e non ero pronto a stare senza di lei,era troppo importante per me.
Potrei andare avanti ancora però dopo il post diventerebbe infinito,vi ringrazio per chi vorrà darmi qualche consiglio su come superare questa cosa che mi sta uccidendo (una coltellata in petto mi avrebbe fatto meno male),perché sento davvero un dolore dentro come non l’ho mai provato in vita mia,grazie e scusate ancora❤️

ADVICE? HELP?! IDEK?!

I’m finally ready to leave my “husband” after 10 years and 3 children oldest being 8 youngest being almost 2. I am tired of being with a narcissist and being with an emotional/financial abuser. I have no money to my name besides the cleanings from my own business (thank god I have that) but I have no savings. I live cleaning to cleaning. My childcare consists of family bc I can’t afford a daycare. Even if my “husband” Is home I still have to call someone bc he can’t be bothered to stay with his own offspring or makes every excuse as to why he can’t (work or exercise… mind you we are broke and barely paying our bills because he is not working the way he should. Also, I don’t mind him exercising or going to work out three days a week on his own time BUT when I want me time, it is impossible with this man)

Full of debt from my marriage over the last decade due to other circumstances that makes things a bit more complicated. I don’t even know who I am. I cry all the time. My role in this home is diminished all the time because of my husband. He calls me names and belittles me. I beg him to stop bc it hurts my feelings and he continues to do it. I cook, clean, take care of the kids and work and he comes home and lays around. He’s not present for his kids. I’ve begged for years. Years. I’ve been medicated. I’ve been on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds. Both were horrible for me so I weaned off per medical advice (thank god I self
Advocated!) I couldn’t feel like a zombie and be depressed at the same time. That was after our 2nd child. Things got better until I got pregnant with my third who was a massive shock and surprise. I am now realizing that I struggled with prenatal depression and postnatal depression in my 3rd pregnancy both very early in my pregnancy and my postpartum up to today… Nine days away from being two years PP. I realize now it was never me. It was him.

I guess my question is… how do I begin this process and protect my mental health? I know my husband is also struggling with depression but the way he was brought up… they brush off mental health issues like it just needs a bandaid. My husband has refused therapy for years cause “I’m the problem”.

My parents/family see through him like glass. They are fully supporting me and just want me to tell them when so they can start the process to help me. My own mother said “I will put myself into whatever debt I need to help you out of this”. I feel so horrible having to put this on my family but they’ve seen my struggling for years. I know this man will make my life a living hell the moment I present to him I’m leaving. I love him so much but I’ve built up so much resentment it hurts. I’ve been so anxious and depressed for so long I wake up to my body literally buzzing. I feel physically sick when I wake up every morning and I’m dry heaving or vomiting. I’m not well. It’s rubbing off on my kids and we deserve better. Where do I start?

- a single married mom who wants and deserves better for her and her children.

Imagined Cinderella divorced Prince Charming. She has no home to go back, no money, no supporting family, no friends. Every pretty dress is provided by the prince, every good thing in life is introduced by the prince.

That’s pretty much me.

I’m no princess, I’m just someone who had an amazing relationship, learned and healed a lot, then broke up for some reasons like we’re not on the same page anymore, and we have to focus on ourselves.

I truly believe that separation and solving our individual problems is the best way for us to move on with our lives. I acknowledge that we’re frustrated and tired in the relationship.

But what scares me the most is I have almost nothing and no one in my life for support.
So many shit happened in my life before I met my ex. I was on the verge of self ending.

I’m happy that now I’m healthy enough to stand on my own feet. I’m happy that I have the energy to try new things and take care of myself. I’m excited for the life and career I’m gonna build for myself.

But sometimes it feels like THE LONELINESS CAN KILL ME. If I die in the middle of the road tomorrow nobody in my life will notice. No one will throw me a funeral. (If my ex knew he’d give me a funeral but how will he know)

My ex brought me back to life by showing me the world is not a bad place. Now that I’m willing to have a life, move forward, and I’m excited for it, I don’t even have anyone to share the good news.

I posted this hoping I can talk to someone or hear stories of others.
How lonely they felt, what happened to them, and how they moved forward.

I need connection, comfort, and courage.

People on the Reddit, can you share your story with me?

My fiancée and I were together for 12 years and have 3 kids. We were supposed to get married September 19th, but about two months ago she left. There wasn’t some huge blowup or one big thing that happened. We had just slowly disconnected. Life got busy, we stopped making time for each other, and I didn’t realize how bad things had gotten until it was too late.
She had told me before that we weren’t in a good place and that something needed to change. Looking back, I wish I would’ve taken that more seriously and said, “Then let’s fix it.” Instead, I let life keep going.
She moved out with the kids, and for the last couple months I’ve been trying to accept that our relationship might really be over. She’s also already talking to someone else, which honestly hurts like hell after 12 years.
But today something changed. She called me and told me we’re going to move the kids back in with me. I’ll be able to see them 3–4 times a week, get them back into their old school/daycare, and actually be a much bigger part of their everyday lives again. As a dad, I’m incredibly grateful for that.
Now I’m trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do from here.
I’m working on myself, going to therapy, staying away from the things that weren’t helping me, and trying to become a better man—not just to get her back, but because I know I needed to change.
But I’d be lying if I said a part of me doesn’t still hope we could eventually find our way back to each other. Twelve years is a long time, and we have three kids together. At the same time, I know I can’t sit around waiting for her or trying to convince her to come back.
So for the people who have actually lived through something similar:
Did anyone separate after 10+ years, have kids together, and eventually reconcile?
If your ex started talking to someone else shortly after the breakup, did that relationship actually last?
And if you were in my position, what would you focus on right now if you wanted to give yourself the best chance of either rebuilding the relationship someday OR becoming completely okay with moving forward without them?
I’m not looking for people to tell me what I want to hear. I’d genuinely appreciate some real advice, especially from people who have been through it.
I’m trying to keep my head up, be the best dad I can be, and let my actions speak for me from here on out.

Husband of 12 years left me and our 3 kids to go get high all day and serial date and fuck random girls on Facebook. I don’t even recognize him these days and co-parenting is tough and really I’m the only one holding it together. Obviously I have more than enough reasons to believe he’s no good for me but it is hard to get my heart to let him go after building a life with him. It’s hard to accept the person today versus the one I knew for 11.5 years. What did yall do to help get over them?

My husband and I have been together for 18 years, married for 16, and have two teens. The past few years have been rough for us, and the fighting just kept getting worse. He wasn’t good at confronting the arguments later and would instead pretend like it never happened after days of giving me the silent treatment. Our communication drastically took a hit during that time and I would play along with the silent treatment as well. The fights would get ugly because it usually happened when he was drunk, and would call me manes and accuse me of things I never did. I started to resent him and pulled away a bit because I was tired of the drinking and the unnecessary fights he would start out of the blue. Despite all of this, he says he drinks because I don’t show enough love, so it’s a never ending cycle of us blaming each other. We had been living like roommates this year, as there was little to no affection on his side, which I then followed suit and stopped trying to be affectionate.

One morning in early July he got mad at our son for some reason, and that apparently triggered him enough to want to move out. He moved quickly and signed a year lease an apartment less than two miles away and moved out mid July. He cut off all communication with me and only texted to fight during the first couple weeks. I stayed calm and wouldn’t engage so those texts stopped. He spent the last month furnishing his apartment, and only saw the kids twice for dinner. He refuses to take the kids to an appointment if I can’t, and I feel it’s done as a punishment to me, not realizing he’s hurting the kids.

This time alone makes me miss the good times we had and the future we planned out for us. He is a really loving guy when he’s not drunk and letting his insecurities take over and accuse me of things I never did. I’ve sent him emails letting him know that I am willing to work through this when he is ready, but he doesn’t respond. He said this was a separation, but moved to divorce the first week he was gone, and now it’s back to separation. He gets defensive and blames our issues all on me, while I admit to my issues but confirm this is both of us. Through all of our problems, there never was any cheating on any side, and I can 100% say he is not seeing anyone now either.

I was hoping his solitude would wake him up and make him see that he had a part in this as well, but maybe it’s still too soon to expect that big of a revelation. He has admitted to our son on some mistakes he did (said not to tell me), so I feel there’s a little movement there. I can see that he still cares and thinks of me every day through some things I see him doing behind the scenes, so I’m really confused. Do I wait longer to get us to work towards reconciliation? He said he feels I didn’t give him enough love so I don’t want to stay silent, but I don’t want to push him away by pushing him too much either. I’m at a loss as to what to do, and I’m going crazy here without him.

How do you start over with no money, no family or friends.. literally no one. :( I have 4 cats as well. I just need a little help. Like a car at least and I got nothing to give or to barter with. I just feel so hopeless and I want to just give up. .LIKE IDK WHAT TO DO OT WHERE TO START. IT ALL JUST SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE PLEASE HELP

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I don't know how to react but my ex is getting married.

We had a breakup last year. She is the only girl I loved and now i can't see her with another person.

It is getting very heavy on my chest. How can a person can marry after 10 years of relationship.

Worst feeling ever

E queria saber se alguém sabe qual é a coisa menos dolorida de se matar

I (23F) and my ex(30M) were together on and off for about 18 months, we met last year at the beginning of the year at work, found out he was married buh going through a divorce, his ex wife cheated, he filed.
Okay so back to when we met, we were friends for about 6 months only at work though, constantly seeing each other talking and opening up, feelings became stronger then we finally decided to be together, buh his divorce was not finalised at this point ye so we were not actually exclusive, we just did things people in relationships do for each other buh there was no title. Everything was perfect until he started spiralling, at first he would vent to me about how he was feeling about the infidelity and how it affected him as a man, as time went on he stopped venting to me and we started having a lot of arguments because he was not longer consistent, he was choosing to go out partying with friends then to spend time with me, and he was no longer emotionally stable,he would snap at me and any given moment unprovoked. He was all over the place mentally, one minute hot, one minute cold, one minute he acts like he cared the next his telling me to leave him alone and that he doesn’t wanna be with me anymore, this was our dynamic for months and it drained me so much because I had constantly poured into him, filled his cup , supported him motivated him that things will get better, I was basically just there waiting for better days and dealing with his emotions without having to complain because he would tell me whenever I would wanna tell him how his actions are making me feel he would deflect and tell me that he cannot deal with his own pain, the divorce pain and still my pain and then he would say that I should leave him alone, finally I really left him alone for about a month, I even ignored his calls because I was really trying to let go and move on then boom
I found out that I was pregnant, he forced me into an abortion buh I too wasn’t ready for a baby at the time, so fine, mind you at this time we weren’t together any longer because he pushed me away. After the termination he came back and wanted to fix things, that was around January 2026,I allowed it buh he would blame me for getting an abortion, so now that was something new I had to face

Then one day we were watching a video on my phone and a message came through it was from a guy I was in talking stage with before me and my ex met, buh me and the guy only spoke over the phone majority of the time during that talking stage and we met once buh nothing really happened, buh yeah so my ex knew the name of this guy because I told him about it before me and my ex got together because this guy would still message me buh my ex saw that I wasn’t entertaining him, buh anyway he saw the message then insisted to go through our chats and he saw that there was messages between us that dated back to when we weren’t together before I found out that I was pregnant and during, buh the chats were innocent it was not in a flirty way or that I was entertaining him, no, non of that , since I’m a police officer the guy asked legal advice about a situation he was in, so I advised him on it ,so my ex fought with me about that situation, saying that it’s cheating, and he didn’t wanna hear anything I had to say, so he left again saying that he didn’t care if I was chatting about legal advice, he felt like I betrayed him because I gave this guy my time only the fact that I responded is how I fucked him over he said. I begged and cried for him to forgive me, buh he didn’t, kept throwing it in my face, and assuming that I did worse things, which I did not do at all, he left me and I had to make peace with it again
The next few months after that was chaos , we were on and off and he was always the one leaving me, he fought with me about the baby said that I should’ve just kept our baby blaming me, and then fighting also about this chats with that guy , finally after being on and off for a few months around May he tells me he cannot ever be with me or see a future with me, he told me I’m just like his ex and that I f”””””d him over once so he cannot trust me again, he told me that he would start resenting me for the baby situation he said so many mean things, he told me also he has to be on his own because his ex wife f”””””d him seriously up mentally, and that he needs to heal, he told me not to wait for him because there is no hope, we blocked each other and went no contact for a few months until we bumped into each other at work and we started speaking again, buh this time felt different, I could see that the way he would act or react was different so I thought those months did us good
We sat down and had a whole conversation about how we felt about each other, he told me his divorce is finally done buh he loves me and he never stopped loving me, he apologised for all the things he said to me out of anger
He told me he wants to be with me buh I should just give him a little bit of time to sort himself out, which I didn’t push on, so now I was waiting for him again
I went out with my friends that same weekend, I have a guy friend which picked me up first so while we were driving on the way to fetch our other friends I took a selfie video of myself, and I posted it on my status
My ex realised that i wasn’t in my car and asked me whose car is that, I told him it’s a guy friend of mine which I met over the past few months at these car shows that I went to(I’m a car girly), so he told me we should meet up so we can discuss this, the next day I went to see him and he kept telling me about how can I sit in another man’s car, further told me that he doesn’t want a woman that acts that way, I reassured him that he is just my buddy, there’s nothing going on between us, I even told him that I would stop hanging with him if he feels uncomfortable, I mean I love this man why would I still debate that, I would immediately do what makes my partner feel safe, anyway he then asked to see the chats between me and this friend of mine, I gave him my phone and he checked and found nothing ( mind you we weren’t even back to together by then) he then proceeded to go out my friends chat and I then took my phone and locked it and he started telling me to unlock my phone and I asked him “why do you wanna go through my phone , you asked to see my the chats between me and my friend and now I showed you buh now you wanna go through my whole phone it makes no sense, we supposed to be starting on a clean slate after not being together for a while and now you want to go through my phone for what “
I refused and he forced and even got emotional so I unlocked my phone and he went through my WhatsApp and found nothing and said he wants to see my Instagram and I refused, I asked him why is he doing this, at this point he was already in a very emotional and angry state, screaming and telling me if I don’t open my phone and give him complete access and he walks out that door then I must forget about ever being with him again, I tried to calm him down, I tried to explain to him that you are going to find chats where people react to my story and that flirted and I would sometimes entertain it just a little buh most of the time i just thank them for the compliments buh there were 1 or two chats I had of guys that wanted to take me out on a date and I was willing, I was single after all, buh I knew that he would still fight with me about these chats regardless if it happened when we weren’t together, all these were chats from during the time we weren’t together, and he insisted on seeing it and I refused and we both ended up leaving, he blocked me everywhere and told me he never ever wants to see my face ever again, he told me he hates me, he told me I’m snake and I’m poison to him, he told me that I put on an act all this time pretending to love him, he told me I’m just like his ex wife, he accused me of sleeping around, and mind you I never even dated anyone during the time we weren’t together planned two dates that never actually happened because I would lose interest in these men because I still loved my ex so it was impossible to move on hence why it wouldn’t go further then chatting that I would sometimes entertain , buh it would never even get to a point where I would meet up with people, none of that,I tried to plead with him and I told him that this was our chance to start over and finally move forward, a clean slate, buh he told me he doesn’t care anymore and that I fucked him over again for the second time, so now my ex that I wasn’t even in a relationship with left me AGAIN!!! and this time it seems final, I begged buh this guy made up his mind looks like,

Did i misunderstand our break up rules? Did I cheat on him?
What could I have done differently? Is he right? Am I the problem?
Help

He told me that I didnt have it in me. And that he needed a crazy bitch. I felt so inadequate and lacking after hearing this.