r/Separation

Wife wants to separate, Ive tried everything to save it over the last 6 months. I burnt her out emotionally by trying. She would not give a straight answer on if we had a future.

I decided I couldnt take living in limbo, so I said we either start again from scratch or accept its over.

She chose the latter which didnt surprise me.

I accepted it, told her she needs to feel the weight of her decisions. Ive been acting politely indifferent and she has broken. She expected me to continue to chase. Think is, im done.

But truly, in heart im not and I hope she comes around.

Ive read holding the line like this is known as the 180 tactic. Has anyone actually saved a marriage doing it?

Hi. Not really here for any reason than to vent. I dropped my kids off today with their dad, which is always hard. We are almost 3 months separated now. He got his own place. I thought “I’m passing by on the way, and this is around when we have been dropping them off, so I’ll swing by and see.” I texted him, but I didn’t hear from him for 5 minutes. I sent my daughter to his door because I started getting worried. She waited outside for another 5 minutes, then I really started getting worried. He came out and started yelling about me showing up unannounced. It really caught me off-guard for many reasons. I guess in my mind, I’m still tricking myself into believing we are married. We don’t have an exact time drop-off for the kids, and I didn’t really think anything of me swinging by. Dropping them off was already making me emotional. Being afraid something happened to him made me also emotional. Then him coming out with his messy hair and no socks on just made me yearn for him. I miss seeing him like that every morning. He wears socks all around the house and only takes them off when he’s ready to get in bed. It’s those little quirks of his that I love so much. And he had his pajama shirt on with the hole in it. I just miss him so much. My heart pounded seeing him like that, but it immediately broke when he started yelling at me. I then saw he had guests over the night before when I peered inside. I offered to take the kids to my house for a bit, but he said it wasn’t worth it. We got into it a bit.. mostly because I was so deregulated and just let it out when I should have kept it in. It’s just so hard, y’all. I know one day it will get easier, but I swear every day just gets harder. I miss him and our family being together so much. It doesn’t help that my daughter says things like “I just want the both of you to live with me together.” It just breaks my heart. He just doesn’t want to be married. We did an intake and 2 counseling sessions that spanned about a month. He was in personal counseling for about 2 months, but not anymore. I’ve been in counseling for over a year now. I know I’d be so much of a better wife to him now that I’ve done some inner growing, gotten out of my PPD, and almost lost him. I’ve read several books on marriage, being a praying wife, etc. that helped me a lot. I just wish I read them when we were still together. Maybe it would’ve prevented this. I think back so many times wondering what I could’ve done differently to make him happy. I would never take our relationship or him for granted again. He just doesn’t want it. I ultimately want what’s best for him and what will make him happier. I just hate that I have to suffer this much for it. I just have to keep reminding myself that the suffering is worth it because it means he finally finds his happiness. Not really looking for advice here. Just venting. I just miss him is all.

My wife and I have been separated after I had an affair. I take full responsibility for what I did, and I know I deeply hurt her. Since then, I've been doing everything I can to understand why I made those choices, work on myself, and become a better husband and person.

She has told me she's leaning toward divorce and has said that even if I do everything right, it still may not be enough to save the marriage. At the same time, she's agreed to go to marriage counseling with me, although she says she's mainly doing it because I asked and wants a professional to help mediate. She still occasionally updates me about things going on in her life and has said she's willing to talk when needed, but she turns down almost every invitation I make to spend time together.

I'm having a hard time understanding what all of this means. Part of me feels like she's completely detached, emotionally checked out, and already living like she's single. Another part of me wonders if agreeing to counseling, staying in contact, and not filing for divorce yet means there's still a chance.

I'm trying to respect her space while also showing consistent change, but I honestly don't know if I'm holding onto false hope or if this is just what rebuilding after infidelity looks like. For anyone who's been through something similar—either as the person who cheated or the person who was betrayed—does this sound like someone who's already made up their mind, or is this still within the range of what reconciliation can look like?

Sorry in advance as this is long but I feel it have to go into detail to paint a better picture. I (32 F) have been with my SO (47 M) for 11 years now. To be honest our relationship has never been great. We had kids super early in the relationship. He was never there for me through my pregnancies, I have never felt more alone than when I was with him through those pregnancies. I had emergency c sections with both and he also wasn't there for me through that. He didn't help with the baby because he needed sleep for work. So I did everything alone right after major surgery. Taking care of the baby and older kids, the house, all me. He didnt hold my hand while I was in labor or getting cut open. Fast forward and when our youngest was around 1 he had a febrile seizure in the middle of the night in my arms, I was hysterical, as most parents would be. I didnt have a car at the time and he said he couldn't drive us to the hospital as he only had enough gas to get to work. I called my mom crying and she came and got us and took us. He slept the whole time, never called to check, didn't even check on his baby after we got home, just continued to sleep. I haven't trusted him with my kids since and really they dont trust him either, they know mommy has their back but really that's all. Fast forward to the present day and hes without a car. Let me first say that every car hes ever had since we've been together, I've paid half on and the last car he had I gave him. The truck was supposed to be a gift to me for taking care of my grandmother for years for my mom. Anyways my car was having trouble, and I was tired of leaving my kids home alone every night to go get him 30 minutes away so I stopped taking him, basically forcing him to get a transfer to a closer store. He messaged his mom, basically whining he didnt have a way. His mom went on and on about how I'm a spoilt brat because I wouldn't let him take my car (the car I use to get our kids back and forth that belongs to me). And how bad hes treated. He just said "yeah" and went along with what she said. She messaged me too cussing me out. Even after saying how bad it hurt my feeling's it was "I just thought cutting her off would be best, if I say something she'll go to my brother and he'll cause a scene at my work". I dont really believe that but even if it was true it just shows how absolutely crazy and pathetic that family is. This isn't the first time he hasn't defended me, he wouldn't even defend his kids when she talked bad about them, and to add insult to injury he hasnt cut her off, hes still messaging her telling her he loves and misses her. She's not in our lives by choice, though I dont mind because after all she's done, I don't want trash in my life. I'm starting to really see what my parents see and understand why they want so desperately for me to get with someone who loves and respects me and I'm so close to the point of saying "ok, get out of my house and go live with mommy because I'm done".

It’s been 10 years since we got married. I truly believed I had married my soulmate. Yet today I feel like the loneliest person within these four walls.

He’s in the house as I write this, but somehow we’re miles apart. We barely talk. Even roommates usually say hello to each other.
The hardest part is that I still love him. I still miss his warmth, his affection, and feeling wanted.
Maybe that’s just a very human thing—to long for connection.

People often say, “Just leave,” or “Start dating again.” But life isn’t a light switch. There is a journey between where I am today and wherever life takes me next.

For this journey I could use support of a friend. A friend who is on the similar path. A friend who is also lonely in their relationship. I friend who is similar age and life experience as me. A friend who has similar values as me. A friend whose upbringing was as dysfunctional as mine lol.

Are you out there?

I have wanted a divorce for over a year. He wants to fix everything he “has been doing wrong” . I felt horrible because I just wanted time and space and separation , and all he is seeing is that I hate him because he isn’t acting a certain way or that I wanted to see other people. He started by cleaning up everyday keeping the house spotless doing every chore. Which was great but every time I saw the completed chores I felt guilty. I would go to him and say” I don’t want you doing all the chores I prefer to do certain ones please don’t think this is what has caused me to want a divorce “ he would lighten up on it and we would get a good rhythm of half and half chores and taking turns doing the dishes which he would absolutely throw a fit over having to do the dishes before. He would always check with me saying” this break doesn’t mean we are seeing other people right” this made me worried because I feel he thinks my intentions is to cheat on him but I genuinely need time and space away “so I can remember how to love him” is what I said. I genuinely believe I have lost my soul connection with him. Then he will complete stop doing everything and back to his old ways of not helping with anything getting an attitude when I ask him for help and wants me to wait on him . I feel he isn’t interested in me anymore he just wants to keep me on the shelf and away from other people with different points of view. I feel like if we had some time apart and maybe some space we could find that kindness and love for each other again. Our kids are 4 and 2 we have been in the parenting trenches as well as life trenches lost a couple of job for both parents and we moved like 4 times since the kids. We have no support family wise he has a sister and brother really close as well as a grandpa and his mom is around but they don’t have a good relationship. My dad is dead and I have cut my mother off due to crazy circumstances. I have 5 siblings but everyone lives hours from each other plus we don’t speak because of the crazy circumstances with my mother. His mom and sister always have made excuses for his behavior as well as making me out to be the bad guy because I think his wrong in a situation 😑 he is never wrong to them ever. Like blind to everything he does. They always turn situations back on me. I’m not allowed to have an opinion and have to praise him basically. I have told him about his family so he doesn’t let me go around them like if we get invited to lunch only he goes or will cancel and I get blamed. I genuinely want to be happy in life and love again. I want peace I have spent my entire life walking on egg shells. I want to be able to feel my emotions and not mask them because of someone else. I want to feel safe and shame free. I want to be able to just express what I want and it happens, not something I have to dream about. I guess my question would be should I stay or should I go? I have came to the point of I need to make a decision.

I'm in my early 30s and have been married for over a decade. My husband ("Mark") and I met through church when I was 16. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first sexual partner—everything. We got married young believing we'd spend the rest of our lives together.
I'm currently staying with my mom because I recently told him I want to separate. Some days I feel relief. Other days I feel overwhelming fear that I'm throwing away a marriage that could have been saved.
I'm posting because I genuinely don't know whether my marriage is repairable or whether I'm emotionally finished.
One thing I've realized recently is that I spent most of my marriage adapting to my husband instead of asking myself what I actually wanted.
For years he wanted us to get into swinging. I repeatedly said no. Eventually I agreed because I loved him and thought maybe I was just being too closed-minded. Looking back, I regret that decision. I know nobody forced me—I made my own decision—but I also struggle with the fact that someone who loved me kept asking until I eventually gave in.
Our sexual relationship was confusing for me from very early on.
My husband watched a lot of pornography growing up and has admitted that it shaped many of his ideas about sex. During our marriage he would sometimes masturbate beside me while I was asleep. It wasn't that I felt unwanted—I just never really understood why he chose that instead of sharing intimacy with me.
The truth is that I rarely wanted sex anyway because I didn't feel like my experience mattered very much. Most of the time it felt like he wanted to move straight to intercourse without taking much interest in what I enjoyed. Over the years I gradually lost interest in sex because it often felt centered around his experience rather than ours.
Our sex life also became increasingly confusing.
He often talked about fantasies involving another man having sex with me. During sex he sometimes wanted to write degrading words like "sl*t" on my body with a marker. At the time I went along with these things because I thought being a loving wife meant accepting his fantasies, even when I wasn't sure how I felt about them myself.
The thing that has become hardest to process happened online.
Without my knowledge, he sent nude photos of me to strangers on apps multiple times. He also uploaded my pictures to online communities where men would use them sexually ("tribute" groups). Every time I found out, he apologized, cried, promised it would never happen again, and I forgave him.
Looking back now, I don't know why I accepted it.
Eventually, before I met the other man in this story, I had sex with two different men without my husband present.
I know many people will immediately call that cheating, and I'm not trying to avoid responsibility for my choices.
The reason I'm mentioning it is because for years my husband had told me how much the idea of another man having sex with me turned him on. Eventually he also told me not to actually do it, but after years of hearing those fantasies, I genuinely didn't process the situation the same way he did. Looking back, I think our sexual boundaries had become so blurred that I honestly didn't know what was fantasy anymore and what wasn't.
Outside of sex, there were other issues that slowly built up over the years.
My husband could become physically intimidating during arguments. He never hit me, but years ago I woke him because he was snoring and he punched a hole in our headboard. During other arguments he threw things across the room. On another occasion I left the bedroom because I wanted space after an argument, and instead of giving me that space, he followed me into another room while I repeatedly asked him to leave me alone.
Those moments made me stop feeling emotionally safe around conflict.
There were also many smaller things that built up over time.
His snoring often kept me awake, but he became upset if I wanted to sleep somewhere else for a night. He didn't like the idea of separate blankets. His family was extremely important to him, and I often felt they came before me. We regularly spent time with them even when I didn't really want to.
This past year I moved away from my own support system so he could work in a business with his uncle. We now have more debt than before, and although he's very ambitious financially, I honestly don't feel more financially secure because of the move. Meanwhile, I've consistently worked toward my own career, but I often feel like my goals have taken second place to his.
The biggest realization I've had recently is that I don't think I trust him to naturally protect my well-being. Throughout our marriage I felt like I was the one expected to adapt.
The reason all of this has become so complicated is because, through swinging, we became close friends with another couple.
I'll call the husband "Daniel."
Over time I developed feelings for him.
What surprised me wasn't just the attraction.
It was how easy it felt to simply spend time with him.
Conversation felt effortless.
He listened carefully.
He remembered little things I'd told him.
He seemed genuinely interested in how I experienced the world.
When we became intimate, he took time to understand what I enjoyed instead of assuming. For the first time in my life, I felt like someone cared just as much about my experience as their own. Even now, I miss talking to him as much as I miss being physically close to him.
At the same time, I'm trying to stay grounded.
Daniel is separated from his wife, but they aren't divorced. I know our relationship hasn't been tested by everyday life, shared finances, years of routine, resentment, or long-term stress.
I know it's possible that because my marriage has become so painful, Daniel represents emotional relief as much as genuine compatibility.
But I also can't ignore how different I feel around him.
I feel calmer.
I feel heard.
I don't feel like I have to constantly explain or defend my needs.
Now I'm left wondering whether those feelings simply highlight everything that was missing in my marriage.
I've also changed a lot as a person over the years. I no longer believe Christianity is true, while my husband has gone through periods of being deeply religious, then embracing lifestyles that completely contradicted those beliefs, and then returning to Christianity again. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know who he really is anymore.
Right now I feel stuck between two fears.
One fear is that I'm idealizing another man because my marriage became emotionally exhausting.
The other fear is that if I go back, I'll spend another decade ignoring my own needs because I'm afraid of starting over.
So I guess my question is:
If you were reading this as a complete stranger, would you think this marriage sounds repairable?
Or does it sound like someone who has slowly realized over many years that she was over-adapting and no longer wants the life she's been living?
I'm genuinely looking for honest opinions, even if they're hard to hear. I know I'm emotionally involved, and I want perspectives from people who have lived through something similar.

Edit:
Thank you all already. It’s nice to feel I’m not crazy and ungrateful. The only problem is that I haven’t really lived alone ever, and while I have a career (teacher) I’m currently doing my masters scheduled to finish in December and I feel that I am scared to live on my own and not sure where to start
Soo.. in a way my husband is providing financially but the rest is sh*t

Edit #2
Currently while I’ve been gone he’s back into being a Church boy and keeps saying how I’m the one hurting him when I bring up the past issues and can’t move on from them …

Won’t bore you with too many details. I (female 26) want to divorce my husband (male 26). We’ve been “together” since we were 14. We didn’t get married until 24. Even then I knew our relationship was in shambles, but like an idiot, I married him anyway. He’s always had this tenancy to talk to me in a very intense, condescending tone. It is always his way or the highway. Everytime I think I have a valid point, he finds away to logically explain how I am wrong, and he is right. And most of the time I can’t even argue with him because the way he argues, he actually makes sense. I’ll add though, I recall on our honeymoon, he called me a “dumb a\*\* bi\*\*\*” because I forgot the credit card I used to book the rental car. There’s been multiple situations similar since when, like when we had a 6 hour argument over me tying a plastic bag with our food in it. I always find a way to validate how he treats me. I don’t communicate well. I have low aspirations. I shut down and blank out during arguments, so usually he has the high ground. I know I’m a bad wife. I don’t do all of my wifely duties. All he wants is for us to “build up our lives and succeed” and that is so valid. But the way he treats me, his criticism, his condescending tone, I’m exhausted. Everytime there’s something he slightly disagrees with, it’s met with the this tone that makes him sound like he’s sick and tired or talking to this idiotic imbecile. His aspirations are no longer worth it. I need to leave, but I cannot bear the failure or being a divorced at only 26. How did you do it? How did you make the decision to leave? What have your the confidence? Did you for back to your parents house? What was their reaction? When did you know enough was enough? Please help me. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

My husband still lives at home but spends some nights with his girlfriend of two months. Our 5 year old doesn’t know anything other than he is gone more than he used to be. We were talking about going on a trip and staying the night somewhere so we can have time to take our child to the beach or museums or whatever. Husband wants the girlfriend to come along “as a friend” and I have more than once told him I don’t want our child introduced to her yet because I don’t want to confuse our child when later this friend is more than that. I get she is 5 but husband seems to think there is no issue introducing girlfriend as just a friend if there’s no PDA involved. I’m feeling aggravated he isn’t thinking about anything other than feeling bad leaving girlfriend out of the trip.

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I’m looking for perspective, not validation.

I’m 48 and have been with my wife for 27 years. We have two daughters who are nearly grown.

Four months ago my wife discovered that, over roughly the previous year, I had been seeing tantric practitioners, escorts, and eventually entered a few sugar relationships. There were dozens of encounters during that year.

I understand this was a profound violation of my marriage. I was wrong. I’m not looking to justify or minimize what I did. If my wife decided to leave because of my actions, I would completely understand. I also understand she may never trust me again.

The reason I’m posting is because I’m trying to understand whether I’m finally confronting a compatibility issue that has existed for most of our marriage, or whether I’m simply rationalizing my own behavior.

Our marriage has been essentially sexless for most of its history. Using the common definition of fewer than ten times a year, I think we’ve met that standard for nearly our entire marriage. We haven’t had sex in over three years, only a handful of times in the last five, and I’d estimate we’ve had sex perhaps 50–60 times over the last 22 years. More than the frequency, I’ve rarely felt desired, pursued, or experienced our relationship as sexually playful or curious.

I also recognize my responsibility. Instead of honestly confronting how deeply this affected me or ending the marriage, I chose secrecy and betrayal.

The difficult part is that my wife is genuinely a wonderful partner in almost every other way. She’s an incredible mother, loyal, responsible, and we’ve built a beautiful life together. This isn’t a story where she’s the villain and I’m the victim. If anything, I’m the one who broke our vows.

Over the last year I also lost over 100 pounds (her too), got healthier, started therapy, rediscovered creativity, and experienced feeling desired for the first time in decades. I felt profoundly alive. Looking back, only a few of those relationships actually felt like they offered the emotional and sexual connection I was searching for. Most were empty. That realization has been important.

I’m realizing that sexuality isn’t just about sex for me. It’s about feeling desired, emotionally connected, playful, and alive. I’m also realizing that autonomy matters to me more than I admitted. I’m considering spending a weekend at a Zen center simply to think because I don’t feel like I can hear my own thoughts clearly while living in the middle of all this.

Every therapy session, conversation, and experience gives me more information. I want to stop hiding and make a conscious decision rather than staying because it’s familiar or leaving because I’m overwhelmed Or just want short term sex.

For people who have been through something similar:

• Did you rebuild your marriage after recognizing deep sexual incompatibility?
• Did you conclude that loving someone wasn’t enough because your needs were fundamentally different?
• If you stayed, what genuinely changed?
• If you left, how did you know it was the right decision?

I’m not asking anyone to excuse my behavior. I fully accept responsibility for what I’ve done. I’m trying to understand what an honest next chapter looks like.

My soon to be ex wife and I had been rocky for a while, we have a kid together and are in a joint tenancy. Cohabiting / coparenting along the ways. I pay for the majority of things.

I tried my best to save what was the marriage, but ultimately shes filed divorce, and I guess im now hit with a reality I hoped would never come.

I haven't told anyone, not my family, friends (who are basically my work colleagues). Through one thing. Shame.

I cant pass that feeling of shame, admitting to others, im getting a divorce. It didnt work, marriage? Yeah, not happening for me, im now single. Middle aged, with a child.

Not that I'm concerned about future dating, I have no interest nor plans for it, but I cant shift the immense shame that looms over me on this, I feel bad about it, and equally, hurt. It is never what I wanted, but I understand it.

I just feel like a failure, and now I feel, alone. With just a outweigh of guilt and shame for company.

My friends are all older, married, or separated themselves but hanging on to hope.

Work - sleep - repeat. Thats their lives, and I guess thats how my life will go.

Im not flush, so ill likely have to eventually consider living in a HMO, in a room. Something I would hate.

All of this just brings me back to one word. Shame.

I am ashamed of my situation, and in a way, ive become ashamed of myself for being unable to avoid an unavoidable situation.

My wife and I have been separated for about three months now. She told me today that I shouldn’t get my hopes up for reconciliation. In other words, she told me that if I try to make an effort, she will see right through it and think that all I care about is getting back together. Is there a point in continuing this, or should I just prepare for divorce?

Our 6-year anniversary is next week. Last week I found out my wife has been having an affair with a colleague (they’re both teachers). Allegedly it was up to 3rd base, not the entire way. But long story short, she said she hasn’t been romantically interested in me in the past 6 months and instead of hurting me by telling me, she has enjoyed the affection from a colleague and they’ve struck up an entanglement. When I found out last week, I was beyond devastated. I still am. She seems relieved that I found out, and she has just been “focusing on the kids to be there for them.” But she shows no remorse for what she’s done to me and our marriage. She isn’t wanting to stay married to me because she is in love with me, she initially wanted to stay together “because of the kids” but be okay with her stepping out of the marriage to pursue other people. Just typing that hurts my soul.

Within the last week, she doesn’t want to be married to me any longer, however entertains the idea that staying married but separating may be what’s best for the kids. Buckle up for this - she also wants to co-habitate for the lease duration and go our separate ways afterwards. Of course, all of this is killing me inside and I’m filled with grief, sadness, rejection, etc

She doesn’t have a bunch of cash saved up for an attorney, I do. Deep down, even though I’m hurting, I don’t want to hurt her or impact our 3 and 5 year old. The only time she gets emotional is when she realizes how difficult life will be as a single mom. During the school teaching year, I’m the primary parent. She works 4 10s and I work from home 60% of the time so I do all of the preschool and daycare drop offs and pick ups. During the summer she steps up more but I don’t care about parenting or workload distribution, 100% is 100%, it doesn’t matter if at times I’m doing 80% and at times she’s doing 70% because we’ve been a team.

We live in Colorado and it’s a no-fault state. We’re both on the lease. She doesn’t want to move out (mostly because she can’t) and I don’t want to voluntarily leave the household and our babies. Since divorce is the way this is going to go, I had a couple consults with firms and told them that she and I want to work this out amicably and I don’t want to try and fuck her - they are very clear that her infidelity cannot be used in any way unless there was harm done to the kids (which there hasn’t been except for the eventually family breakup that’s looming), she’s actually a very good mom and our children love her very much.

I don’t know what to do. She won’t leave, I won’t leave. She has some fantasy about how I’ll be a cuck and stay married to her for the family, while she takes time to move out in July 2027. It’s so bad that I have to excuse myself from common areas due to crying and shit and I don’t like doing that in front of the kids. Deep down, she hasn’t been happy with one of the most important components of a marriage, but she loves all of the other things about our marriage. I told her that this is the one thing we can’t come back from.

We can agree on most of the parenting plan, except of course, that means that I help out more during the school year. I make $125k she makes $85k. I’m scared because I feel like I’m going to lose 50% of my time with our children, and I’m going to have to pay CS, even though she said it can be $0, ultimately the court won’t let that happen.

I’m really struggling, I really need some advice because I’m spiraling. Firms are asking for $6k to fully represent me, but she can’t get representation?

What I want at the end of the day is for none of this to have happened. But that’s not reality. So where do I go from here? What I NEED is for her to move out. She says if I try to force her out, I’ll just hurt the babies because she will be living in a ghetto area/1 bed apt. Her sister lives 5 minutes away. I wish she would live there, but her sister cannot have her + 50% of my children long term. I thought about moving out and getting my own place, but I cannot afford two households.

What the fuck am I supposed to do? I’m grieving, parenting, leading the house, and trying to pick up these pieces and I’m terrified and heartbroken.

Hii everyone..

I'm 23f and he is m21..

We used to be best friends and when he helped me last year when I hit rock bottom after getting sa'ed by my ex and trying to end my life , I started to have feelings for him..

It broke our friendship but this year we reconnected and he felt the same...

Yesterday we had that conversation,

We wanted to get married after 2-3 yrs and were talking about our future, compatibility and family issues.

There were things I agreed to adjust and there were certain things he agreed to adjust at.

But he wants kinds of his own.

Now he comes from a family where he is an only child, his mother abandoned him, so it's like a broken family and he had always dreamed of having his own children..

For me , I come from a loving and chaotic family, I never wanted children because I wish to travel the world. I even choose to do freelance work because of that.

Also i don't wanna go through the pain of childbirth.

The other reasons are after sa'ed ( r* ) I'm scared childbirth will trigger me also.

I'm upset because obviously we dreamed of a life together, have feelings, in fact he is the only male I feel safe with after my papa. I still feel uncomfortable around male cousins even though I have known them since childhood.

Now I'm second guessing my choice,

Knowing in our culture women are expected to get married and have kids. I don't know how to say no to my parents wishing me to meet people in an arranged marriage setup. Anyhow I'll do it. My papa is loving supportive but it's just how the culture has always been here.

I'm just second guessing if I really don't want kids.

And now I just feel almost nothing, like a breeze of sadness.

I'll just focus on building my career for now and I'm glad I stood up for myself, we are still friends but it's not the same.

Long story short: husband wants to separate, we agree that the relationship is over but are cohabitating for another 10 months before physically splitting keeping focus on the kids.

We both work full time-I make significantly more. I pay for all house and grocery bills, he pays internet, phone, and streaming bills.

I ask/tell him today Id like some equality on the grocery bill. I don’t think it’s fair he’s done with me and “can’t wait to separate” and I’m still basically fully supporting him which includes him eating the food I’m buying without contributing to the cost of the groceries. I said “it’s getting expensive feeding all 5 of us on my own. Maybe you can start buying your own lunches and snacks?” (We agreed to still do dinners as a family)

And he flipped his lid about it. “Fine I’ll stop eating. I’ll still make dinner for the kids but I won’t eat.” “I don’t think it’s fair you expect me to cook the food but not eat it” and I was like “well okay if you wanna play that game I don’t think it’s fair you’re living here and contributing 0.00 to the housing bills. Cook dinner and eat with us and that’s your payment for living here. I’m just asking for you to support YOURSELF a bit more instead of relying on me.”

Like, right? Would he expect a roommate to shop and pay for all his groceries without a fuss? Geez.

TLDR at the bottom

My (40f) and my wife (39f) have been married for 5 years together for 12. I left last July, my wife has battled addiction since she was 18. When we met she was in the height of it (alcohol). Binge/ purge type, she couldn’t hold a job would puke constantly and many times I would find her passed out. I worked. She’s been in the AA program twice with it sticking the second time(as far as I know).

The first time she went I gave her an ultimatum, get sober or I am leaving. This was after some major events that took place for me to have had enough, eg: driving drunk(she did get hit in my car while she was drunk driving), hospital visit for alcohol poisoning, and physical altercations. My daughter(12f at the time) had also just moved in with us and I couldn’t have that around her.

Her sobriety lasted 2 years, she began gaming intensely and smoking weed heavily. I never complained because it was better than having to clean up any messes she caused. I’m talking gaming 12+ hours a day and I NEVER told her to give it up or limited her game time, it kept her occupied. In this time I helped her find a career in aviation(I did it in the army) and she got all her certifications.

She found a job that was 14 hrs away we were planning to move(me my wife and my daughter) I decided that it was not an ideal situation for my child due to her sobriety still being in the infant phase, and made the choice not to go. Being 14 hrs away from any kind of support or family with my 12 y/o child could have put us in a difficult spot if relapse happened. I begged her not to go and explained if she goes we will not work because I can’t trust her living that far away alone due to her addiction issues. She chose to leave.

After she left she drained our bank account and shut off my daughters and my phone. ( I paid for them and the bill and it was in my name but she was on the account). Two months after my ex (not my wife)contacted me and we began seeing each other. My wife contacted me 3 months later, her car broke down, she asked if I could take out a $5,000 loan and come get her. I got the loan that day on my lunch break, and began the 14 hr drive after work was done that same day.

I broke it off with my ex and my wife wanted to make things work. I agreed because I absolutely loved her. A month later she started drinking again. Worse than before, more stuff happens I give her the ultimatum again and she kicks me and my daughter out. We went to stay with my mom.
In this time I slept with a man, trying to burn the bridge if my wife wanted to get back together…again(unresolved childhood trauma response, I would never do this now thanks to therapy).

A couple weeks go by and lo and behold she wants to talk. I agree but tell her she has to come to my mom’s. She asked to work things out, I said if that’s what you want then I have to tell you something. I told her about the guy and said if she still wants to work it out we can but you will have to work on forgiving me. She said she needs to think, goes to her friend calls me a sl*t but then wants me to come back. I explained I did what I did bc I was trying to burn that bridge with you, you kicked me and my child out. I honestly didn’t think I would even entertain the possibility of reconciliation again due to the amount of trauma she had already caused.

What can I say I’m a sucker for love(aka stupid). She was still drinking but said it was under control . Haha I know, our sex life dropped significantly because I was still processing the damage she has done and she could not get over my infidelity. She thought and vocalized I was a sl*t on numerous occasions. We did couples therapy but she always turned it into a competition so I gave up and didn’t bring up her drinking anymore.

Well, the drinking increased, one night in front of my daughter after I dumped her alcohol she smashed my dinner in my face, my daughter was 15 and put my wife up against a wall. Then I came home one night after work and she was super inebriated. I dumped every ounce of alcohol in the house again.She hid her car keys bc she knew I would dump it. So I boxed her car in with mine. Of course she tried to. Due to the last occurrence with my dinner in my face I told my mom to record on her phone if my wife started her crap again. Well I am glad I had her do that bc she did and this time assaulted my mom and went to jail.

Well we separated this time for 6 months. I went to therapy, found healthy hobbies and finally got medicated properly( diagnosed auDHD). Worked on me. My wife in this time totaled my car I let her have committed a hit and run, she called me for help when I got there the amount of empty alcohol containers would put sailors to shame. That was her rock bottom and she finally got sober again. 6 months later she wanted to try again. You guessed it of course I said hell yes!

Guess what? She developed a new addiction. She started drinking Kratom. I had no idea what the stuff was until the same patterns started to arise. She was spending close to $1,000 a month on it . Weird stuff started happening with a co worker , I accused her of sleeping with a guy and she slapped literal dog shit in my face, she became withdrawn got a new position making significantly more money. I accused her of cheating( that’s a huge assumption other story). Her new position required relocation. Luckily near her family and my daughter was 18 starting college so she wouldn’t be going with us.

Our sex life now was basically 0 no intimacy no dates she went weeks one time without kissing me. I begged for any crumb of affection but she would just say it will take time, bc she is still hurt from the cheating accusations. We moved for her job and nothing changed I asked to talk one night and she said that she didn’t even want me to come. The next week I was unpacking and found 2 pairs of underwear that were not mine. I confronted her about the cheating again and she shut down. At this point she was 2 weeks sober from kratom. She had her rock bottom when I had to manually remove fecal matter from her.

I left after a month of moving there with her.
2 weeks later I reached out and she is on a Christian journey to sobriety. I am finally hopeful.
But she doesn’t want to fix things yet bc she is still hurt I left. We text and talk regularly but then she decides that we shouldn’t talk on the phone anymore. Doesn’t ask for a divorce just says she has some really bad addiction issues she’s trying to fix. I have respected the no phone call boundary.

Now we come to recent events. I had to move to a different state. It’s been a year since I left and 10 months since our last phone call. We text almost everyday but she doesn’t share anything about her life. I recently found out from a mutual that she bought a house. Has not mentioned this at all to me and when I finally said some she just said thank you for the support. She has still not mentioned divorce, and honestly I don’t want that. But I can tell something is off, shorter messages no context but why no talk of divorce?

What would any of you do, has anyone gone through something like this? Should I start dating? (Not looking for hook ups) I just don’t know if I should still be hopeful or move on for good. Trust me I know all I have been through with her sounds exhausting but we had some really good times. Addiction can distort a person from who they really are so I don’t hold anything against her.

TLDR: newly sober wife (separated for one year)will not talk to me over the phone(it’s been 10 months the), we text almost daily bought a house without me knowing, should I start dating?

Move out day for him is tomorrow, mine is Monday...
I have so many different emotions I'm glad to be finally free of him but at the same time I'm so angry that I was pushed to this point it doesn't take much to be a good partner or man.... i would never reconcile with him
And he's showing me to the very end I still can't count on him... I work days I have 2 jobs I hardly have days off he's home all day and he hasn't helped with any packing and cleaning 🫠 he said he was going to help I'm the one who's making the trips to storage to leave what we can't take... I guess the one that hurts the most is I'm
The one packing our 4yr old stuff alone my boy is such a
Daddy's boy and my heart is breaking for him 🥹 we have older kids as well and I have been the one helping them
When I can... i understand maybe he's tired from
Work but he hasn't been sleeping I really don't want to think he's doing anything but a lot of things are not making sense 🫤 it could be the stress of all this... but his emotions are like a switch he'll get upset at me/scream at me and less than 5 mins later he's apologizing to me... I just can't wait to be far away from this man... it sucks that the person you choose to stand behind for 16yrs and did everything for can't even help you close this chapter I knew when I started I would have to be the one to pick
Up the pieces so I honestly don't know why was I expecting any different from him... when during this process everything he said he'll help me with he took it back I guess I was hoping for some decency from him but clearly that's too much... this man never deserved me as a partner.... when is the crying phase over? I've cried so
Much already not because the relationship has ended but because I feel so dumb for staying so long... I'm the one relocating with nothing while he goes into his own place... I feel like i sacrificed so much for this man and I'm
The one that has to start over I know I'll be okay at the end of the day its just the unknown that I'm struggling with ❤️‍🩹

hi everyone. I just want to share my story and find some answers or just read what people say and think about it.

I am 30 year old woman, I have a newborn (2 months old almost) and a toddler 2,5 years old. Still married officially but… here’s the story:
We met in Dubai where I had a job, moved to his country in Europe where he invited me to live with him. I honestly thought this is it and fall in love with the man. He proposed after 6 months together. Life was beautiful and busy. He can’t sit still, big business, loves to travel, lots of people and fun. We traveled a lot. We became a family. My parents moved to his country because of war in my home.

we had our first daughter abroad and were constantly talking how we would move to Spain and live there, making future plans.

we both have siblings and we were dreaming that daughter has a sibling too, so we planned a baby. 2 months being pregnant with a second baby I discovered he has an affair. I was shocked, there was no doubt about us in my head. he was calling me the love of his life. He came back home in 2 days and talked to me, his parents, and he broke it with the AP.
He was with her just for 1,5 months when I discovered.
the AP is 4 years younger than me. She’s 26. I am now 30. He is 42.

He downgraded because she’s just a regular girl. She was following him to all events and places until she got him….
He made it look like he came back home for a month, I was devastated and asking lots of questions. Then I realized he is in touch with her and still seeing her. after a month from discovery he unsurely said that he wants to be just parents with me. Wtf?
I was shattered, I am pregnant, we have a toddler, I told him he is out of his mind. We agreed that we wont make major decisions in pregnancy. But I obviously knew he is with ap.
for half year it was functioning in a way that I know he is meeting her and talking to her, but he was home every day and sleeping on a sofa downstairs and helping and doing everything, but there was not a word about his affair. He was saying he helps me because I am pregnant, pregnancy was not easy and we have a toddler. I genuinely thought that he went mad and there is no chance they stay together and once the baby is born somehow he will wake up and do the work and try to bring it all back.
I was devastated, I had panic attack, crying, surviving pregnancy from day to day…. I was constantly worried, then I was sad, then angry, then I hoped, and so on. Lots of feelings. Until this day. After baby birth where he has the audacity to be there in birth room, which I did not reject because I truly hoped we will end up together… I thought he is so in love with the baby, so supportive, there is no way he can leave me alone in this…

then 7 days postpartum I just exploded and couldn’t handle this shit anymore. Is he here or is he there? What the fuck is going on? I kicked him out after he said “You wouldn’t want a guy who will stay just for the kids”.

the thing is that now it’s even worse. He wants to be Involved father and we have daily contact. He is still with the same bitch he cheated me on and he wants to take toddler for a walk/activity/etc. I have no clue if his bitch is there or not, how can I possibly know if he is a liar?? my babies don’t owe her a meeting even.

that the hardest part of all. The parenting part. With this person.

his parents won’t approve and say they will reject contact with ap. But that’s for now… we are still not officially divorced.

he is so weak he can’t even ask for divorce, I constantly have to talk to him to understand what’s going to happen and how things will be. I take care of two kids and he just blames me that he has little time with them. Like I am the one who did all this. He says he’d help all the time but “I won’t let him”. In fact, I am 24/7 around the kids, no time to shower. And he is fucking around, party, job, travels, gym , name it.

I can’t apply for divorce for another year until my documents here are done. I dont know how to survive this year. Once divorce is finalized I want to move abroad and I hope he gives Me permission to move with kids. He wants to be involved father because he can’t stand to be the bad guy in the story. He genuinely thinks “Life happened, I fall in love, I never meant to hurt you. And I will always be there for the kids, don’t make me loose contact with them”.

So the question is, am I crazy to feel furious? I think I am going crazy.
Do you have experience moving abroad with two kids to a totally new place (you visited but with one kid before)? With no Family or friends there.
what will be the custody plan for this case? He wants kids… let’s say they will be 5 and 3? Can he take them away for long?

please give advice on how to survive this and not break into pieces.

My husband 29/m has not out romantic effort in for years. Fast forward to today we have a 2 year old. Things are worse. He provides financially and takes care of the cars and yard, but has not met my needs. I just want dates and to explore together. He does whatever I ask him to do for our toddler. For instance, I asked him to start helping more in the morning before daycare and he has been on top of that since I asked. When I talk to him about wanting dates and to hangout with friends he’s extremely nonchalant and does not care to console me. When I’m in pain I have to ask for help(meds, back rub, etc). I’m barely even typing this because I’m so drained. I don’t even feel sad. I mostly feel frustrated. How do you know when it’s time to stop trying? I

My husband(35m) and I (35F) have been married for 16 years. We have 3 children. Our marriage has not been easy. He had me living with his parents for 10 years. I begged him to get me my own place. I stayed with him during this time. His parents were not easy to live with. For 5 years he kept moving us around. We have lived in 3 different states. I did not like constantly moving but as a supporting wife, I did what he said. We became homeless at some point living in a hotel. I stayed with him through many difficult times.

Our marriage started falling apart. I felt ignored and I have not been able to forgive the 10 years he kept me with his parents. I became distant, bitter and resentful. I treated him the same way he treated me. We became roommates. I did not feel loved or seen. He was going through a lot of stress that I ignored. I was not the supporting wife he needed and I ignore his problems. We got into a big argument. He asked me to leave. That he did not love me anymore. He told me to take the kids with me since he couldn't take care of them.

I moved in with my parents, and he stayed in a different state. He got his own apartment. I worked 60 hours a week to be able to support our 3 kids. During our 1.5 years of separation, he only helped me 2 times financially. Every time I asked for money so I can pay for groceries or for sports, his answer was always " I don't have money". I went through a difficult time during the separation. I was a single mom working full time. My husband was living his life by himself and keeping everything he was earning to buy new shoes, clothes, and gaming consoles.

About 2 months ago, he asked me for forgiveness and for a second chance. I said yes to him. Nothing has changed since we got back together. I'm still living with my parents. working full time and taking care of the kids. He only gives me money when I ask. If I do not ask him for money for groceries he does not offer it. I don't like having to ask him to provide for his kids. Every time I ask about living together, we get into an argument. School is starting in 1 month and I asked him how he is going to help. He told me he can't. He lives with his parents and only dedicates 1 day to me and working on our marriage. At this point, I don't want to be with him anymore. We are together but I feel alone. I don't like seeing my kids cry for him. They want us together, but I do not see an effort on his part to get our own place.

We recently got into a big argument, and I asked him that I wanted to move forward with the divorce. Am I in the wrong to ask him to live together after 2 months of getting back together. Any advice on how I should approach the situation.