My ex(30M) left me(23F)again while still being my ex
I (23F) and my ex(30M) were together on and off for about 18 months, we met last year at the beginning of the year at work, found out he was married buh going through a divorce, his ex wife cheated, he filed.
Okay so back to when we met, we were friends for about 6 months only at work though, constantly seeing each other talking and opening up, feelings became stronger then we finally decided to be together, buh his divorce was not finalised at this point ye so we were not actually exclusive, we just did things people in relationships do for each other buh there was no title. Everything was perfect until he started spiralling, at first he would vent to me about how he was feeling about the infidelity and how it affected him as a man, as time went on he stopped venting to me and we started having a lot of arguments because he was not longer consistent, he was choosing to go out partying with friends then to spend time with me, and he was no longer emotionally stable,he would snap at me and any given moment unprovoked. He was all over the place mentally, one minute hot, one minute cold, one minute he acts like he cared the next his telling me to leave him alone and that he doesn’t wanna be with me anymore, this was our dynamic for months and it drained me so much because I had constantly poured into him, filled his cup , supported him motivated him that things will get better, I was basically just there waiting for better days and dealing with his emotions without having to complain because he would tell me whenever I would wanna tell him how his actions are making me feel he would deflect and tell me that he cannot deal with his own pain, the divorce pain and still my pain and then he would say that I should leave him alone, finally I really left him alone for about a month, I even ignored his calls because I was really trying to let go and move on then boom
I found out that I was pregnant, he forced me into an abortion buh I too wasn’t ready for a baby at the time, so fine, mind you at this time we weren’t together any longer because he pushed me away. After the termination he came back and wanted to fix things, that was around January 2026,I allowed it buh he would blame me for getting an abortion, so now that was something new I had to face
Then one day we were watching a video on my phone and a message came through it was from a guy I was in talking stage with before me and my ex met, buh me and the guy only spoke over the phone majority of the time during that talking stage and we met once buh nothing really happened, buh yeah so my ex knew the name of this guy because I told him about it before me and my ex got together because this guy would still message me buh my ex saw that I wasn’t entertaining him, buh anyway he saw the message then insisted to go through our chats and he saw that there was messages between us that dated back to when we weren’t together before I found out that I was pregnant and during, buh the chats were innocent it was not in a flirty way or that I was entertaining him, no, non of that , since I’m a police officer the guy asked legal advice about a situation he was in, so I advised him on it ,so my ex fought with me about that situation, saying that it’s cheating, and he didn’t wanna hear anything I had to say, so he left again saying that he didn’t care if I was chatting about legal advice, he felt like I betrayed him because I gave this guy my time only the fact that I responded is how I fucked him over he said. I begged and cried for him to forgive me, buh he didn’t, kept throwing it in my face, and assuming that I did worse things, which I did not do at all, he left me and I had to make peace with it again
The next few months after that was chaos , we were on and off and he was always the one leaving me, he fought with me about the baby said that I should’ve just kept our baby blaming me, and then fighting also about this chats with that guy , finally after being on and off for a few months around May he tells me he cannot ever be with me or see a future with me, he told me I’m just like his ex and that I f”””””d him over once so he cannot trust me again, he told me that he would start resenting me for the baby situation he said so many mean things, he told me also he has to be on his own because his ex wife f”””””d him seriously up mentally, and that he needs to heal, he told me not to wait for him because there is no hope, we blocked each other and went no contact for a few months until we bumped into each other at work and we started speaking again, buh this time felt different, I could see that the way he would act or react was different so I thought those months did us good
We sat down and had a whole conversation about how we felt about each other, he told me his divorce is finally done buh he loves me and he never stopped loving me, he apologised for all the things he said to me out of anger
He told me he wants to be with me buh I should just give him a little bit of time to sort himself out, which I didn’t push on, so now I was waiting for him again
I went out with my friends that same weekend, I have a guy friend which picked me up first so while we were driving on the way to fetch our other friends I took a selfie video of myself, and I posted it on my status
My ex realised that i wasn’t in my car and asked me whose car is that, I told him it’s a guy friend of mine which I met over the past few months at these car shows that I went to(I’m a car girly), so he told me we should meet up so we can discuss this, the next day I went to see him and he kept telling me about how can I sit in another man’s car, further told me that he doesn’t want a woman that acts that way, I reassured him that he is just my buddy, there’s nothing going on between us, I even told him that I would stop hanging with him if he feels uncomfortable, I mean I love this man why would I still debate that, I would immediately do what makes my partner feel safe, anyway he then asked to see the chats between me and this friend of mine, I gave him my phone and he checked and found nothing ( mind you we weren’t even back to together by then) he then proceeded to go out my friends chat and I then took my phone and locked it and he started telling me to unlock my phone and I asked him “why do you wanna go through my phone , you asked to see my the chats between me and my friend and now I showed you buh now you wanna go through my whole phone it makes no sense, we supposed to be starting on a clean slate after not being together for a while and now you want to go through my phone for what “
I refused and he forced and even got emotional so I unlocked my phone and he went through my WhatsApp and found nothing and said he wants to see my Instagram and I refused, I asked him why is he doing this, at this point he was already in a very emotional and angry state, screaming and telling me if I don’t open my phone and give him complete access and he walks out that door then I must forget about ever being with him again, I tried to calm him down, I tried to explain to him that you are going to find chats where people react to my story and that flirted and I would sometimes entertain it just a little buh most of the time i just thank them for the compliments buh there were 1 or two chats I had of guys that wanted to take me out on a date and I was willing, I was single after all, buh I knew that he would still fight with me about these chats regardless if it happened when we weren’t together, all these were chats from during the time we weren’t together, and he insisted on seeing it and I refused and we both ended up leaving, he blocked me everywhere and told me he never ever wants to see my face ever again, he told me he hates me, he told me I’m snake and I’m poison to him, he told me that I put on an act all this time pretending to love him, he told me I’m just like his ex wife, he accused me of sleeping around, and mind you I never even dated anyone during the time we weren’t together planned two dates that never actually happened because I would lose interest in these men because I still loved my ex so it was impossible to move on hence why it wouldn’t go further then chatting that I would sometimes entertain , buh it would never even get to a point where I would meet up with people, none of that,I tried to plead with him and I told him that this was our chance to start over and finally move forward, a clean slate, buh he told me he doesn’t care anymore and that I fucked him over again for the second time, so now my ex that I wasn’t even in a relationship with left me AGAIN!!! and this time it seems final, I begged buh this guy made up his mind looks like,
Did i misunderstand our break up rules? Did I cheat on him?
What could I have done differently? Is he right? Am I the problem?
Help