r/relationship_advice

My boyfriend (30M) and I (28F) have been officially together for 3.5 years. We're currently on a trip visiting different states on the East Coast for his birthday, and I'm sitting alone in our hotel lobby trying not to cry. I genuinely don't know what to do anymore.

Today, we got into a huge argument over something so ridiculously small that I'm almost embarrassed to write about it: bamboo shoots in ramen.

We were eating at a ramen restaurant, having what I thought was a perfectly nice meal, when he got genuinely upset because I didn't want to eat the bamboo shoots in my ramen. He told me I HAD to eat them. I told him I'm allowed to dislike certain foods, and he proceeded to tell me I was acting like a picky 7-year-old child.

Mind you, I wasn't complaining about the food. I wasn't throwing a tantrum or demanding we eat somewhere else. I was happily eating my ramen and everything else we'd ordered. I just didn't want the bamboo shoots. That's literally it.

I told him he was being ridiculous for turning something so insignificant into an argument. He got upset, asked for the check, and decided we were leaving.

He then gave me the silent treatment for the next FIVE HOURS.

When we got back to the hotel, he decided to nap on the couch instead of lying next to me. Later, he reheated his leftover ramen and ate without asking whether I wanted anything. I was hungry, so I got ready to go grab some food.

He asked where I was going, and when I told him, he said I wasn't leaving because it was dangerous outside. He told me we still had leftover rice and egg from the restaurant and that I should eat that instead.

At this point, I was exhausted and didn't want another argument, so I agreed. But when I packed up the leftovers and said I was going to eat downstairs in the hotel lobby because I wanted some space, he started telling me not to go.

He kept saying, "I'm telling you not to leave."

And somehow, we ended up arguing about the bamboo shoots AGAIN.

He brought up the fact that I used to eat them before, but stopped after my brother made a comment about their weird taste. And yes, my brother did make that comment, but the truth is I never particularly liked bamboo shoots anyway. Sometimes I'd eat them, sometimes I wouldn't. I've even eaten them since my brother's comment. I simply didn't feel like eating them today.

I don't understand why I have to defend something as trivial as my food preferences.

Anyway, I walked out of the room while he was still telling me not to leave. He immediately called me and continued arguing over the phone.

At this point, I was just DONE.

I told him I've repeatedly expressed how controlling he can be, and that today it's bamboo shoots, but tomorrow it'll be something much more important. I told him I don't deserve to be called childish simply because I don't want to eat something, especially when I wasn't causing any problems to begin with.

I also told him I thought he was being disrespectful and insensitive.

That's when he started turning everything around on me.

He told me this was supposed to be HIS birthday trip, that he takes good care of me, that he's been doing all the driving so I can rest, and that I've been mistreating him.

Now, I completely understand that this trip is for his birthday. I've been asking him what HE wants to do, where HE wants to eat, and what places HE wants to visit. I've also been paying for a lot of things. I've genuinely been trying to make this a nice experience for him.

So I asked him how exactly I'd been mistreating him.

His examples?

Apparently, I told him his feet smelled bad (which they did), and I mentioned it because I was concerned he might have some sort of fungal infection. He also said I've been cranky because I haven't been sleeping well.

I'll admit that I'm not the happiest person when I'm sleep-deprived. I can be irritable. But to say I've been mistreating him because of these things honestly infuriated me.

Then he brought up how he's suicidal.

For context, he's been going through some serious legal issues for the past 2.5 years. I've stood by him through all of it. I've supported him emotionally, been there when he needed me, and tried to be understanding of everything he's going through.

I know he's struggling, and I don't want to minimize that. But he's brought up being suicidal during arguments before, and I genuinely don't know how to respond anymore.

I've told him multiple times that if he's feeling suicidal, I will help him get professional help. I told him the same thing today, and he said he doesn't need help.

He then told me that he's already going through so much and that I need to stop fighting with him because I'm making his situation worse.

But I wasn't trying to fight with him! I was literally just eating ramen!

At that point, I told him that if we couldn't get along, maybe we should cancel the rest of the trip and go home.

He kept asking, "Is that what YOU want?"

And I felt like he was trying to make me responsible for ruining his birthday trip, even though I wasn't the one who started the argument.

Eventually, I got so frustrated that I said yes, if this is how he's going to continue acting, I'd rather go home.

I hung up.

He called back and told me to come upstairs and get my stuff.

But I know him, and I know how these situations tend to go. So I told him that once he'd finished packing and come downstairs, I'd go upstairs alone to collect my belongings.

He kept insisting I come up, saying we needed to figure out my return flight. I told him we could discuss flights in the lobby and that I was perfectly capable of booking my own ticket home if necessary.

And that's where things stand right now.

Here's the thing, though. This isn't an isolated incident.

He's been controlling for years.

He's told me I can't wear crop tops. He's tried to dictate how I spend my own money. He once got incredibly angry at Disneyland because I was too scared to ride the Incredicoaster. I'm talking angry enough that he wanted to leave the park.

One of the worst incidents was when he got upset because I didn't want to take hormonal birth control. He deliberately ejaculated inside me to prove a point and then left me crying alone in the bathroom.

He's since apologized for that, and I will say some things have improved. But the controlling behavior has never really gone away.

And what makes this even harder is that I've tried breaking up with him multiple times before.

But he just won't accept it.

He'll repeatedly call me, show up at my house, and sometimes physically block the bedroom door when I'm trying to leave. Once, I threatened to call the police because he wouldn't let me go, and he got so scared that I ended up feeling terrible about it.

I know how that sounds. Believe me, I do.

But for some reason, I just can't seem to let him go.

I love him. We've shared so much together. There are good moments, and he can be incredibly caring and generous. That's part of what makes this so confusing. Sometimes he makes me feel like I'm genuinely the problem, and I start questioning whether I'm overreacting or being unfair to him.

I know I'm not perfect. I get cranky when I'm tired, I can be stubborn, and sometimes I say things out of frustration. But I don't think that justifies being treated this way.

I'm so tired of feeling like I have to defend every little decision I make.

I'm tired of arguments that start over nothing and somehow end with me feeling guilty.

And I'm tired of feeling responsible for his emotional well-being at the expense of my own.

I've never posted anything like this before. I don't even really know what I'm hoping to get out of writing all this. Maybe I just need to hear from people who have experienced something similar.

My question is: How do you actually leave a relationship when your partner repeatedly refuses to accept the breakup, and how do you stop second-guessing yourself when they make you feel responsible for everything?

And for anyone who's been in a relationship with a controlling partner, what helped you finally follow through with leaving?

I'm still sitting in the hotel lobby, I've completely lost my appetite, and I honestly feel like crying. He won't leave the room, and I don't know what to do next.

I'd really appreciate some advice or even just a little compassion right now.
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TL;DR: My boyfriend (30M) and I (28F) have been together for 3.5 years. We're on a birthday trip for him, and he got genuinely angry because I wouldn't eat the bamboo shoots in my ramen. He called me childish, gave me the silent treatment for five hours, and later tried to stop me from leaving our hotel room to get food or even sit alone in the lobby. This isn't new. He's been controlling about my clothes, money, birth control, and even amusement park rides. He's also physically blocked me from leaving during past arguments and refuses to accept breakups. Whenever I stand up for myself, he makes me feel guilty, brings up everything he's done for me, or mentions being suicidal. I've tried leaving multiple times, but I always end up staying. I'm currently sitting alone in the hotel lobby, exhausted and questioning myself. How do I finally leave someone who won't accept a breakup, and how do I stop feeling guilty for wanting out?
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Regarding use of AI - guys IM SORRY yes i did use AI to help clarify my post. I was crying and word vomiting so much that the end result was very messy and not easily readable. I used AI to shorten the post ( i know, its already very long) and to fix typos and make it more digestible. I didnt know the community hated AI that much. i have never posted anything like this before. if i know it triggered yall so much i would have just taken the extra time to fix my original wording but i was desperate for advice already.

everything here is true. this is my story. i used AI to clean it up. thats all. im sorry. I just wanted some compassion atm. that is all. thank you to all who have replied with their advice, it is much appreciated.

Edit- I guess, like... My point of posting this is- is it wrong to leave him over this? I've talked to him about it, we were even briefly in couple's therapy. There are bigger problems, but this is the issue I'm sharing here. And why haven't I left? We have a child together and YES, my self esteem IS that bad.

Tldr- Partner expects regular oral sex despite not giving it in return for 10 years

I've been with my partner for 10 years...

When we first got together he was a virgin. He gave me oral, or attempted to, but threw up. He said it was gross and suffocating, but he'd work on tolerating it. That never happened, I just went 10 years without oral. He says pussy is just gross and he couldn't do it with anyone, period.

I'm rather sexually experienced, I miss oral. I've never had a man or woman grossed out by me before.

But through the relationship, I've given him oral regularly. The past year though, I've stopped. I'd get bitter giving him oral, struggling with frustration while pleasing him, and even finding him repulsive as of late. (For other reasons)

On a daily basis he pressures me over oral. Sending me memes about it, cracking pitiful jokes, passive comments, and just plainly complaining about it .

I'm not going to pressure him into giving me oral, honestly, I don't even have the confidence anymore. He's made me feel disgusting over the years.

I don't want to force myself into giving him oral. I've expressed how I feel, but his response is "well you know I CAN'T, don't pressure me. I feel sexually coerced. You're making me feel selfish. Do you want to leave me for a different man?"

He told me yesterday that my refusal to give him oral is eroding his self-confidence and he feels gross. That he misses the worship, connection and intimacy.

Hi, everyone. I'm looking for an outside perspective on a situation that has left me confused and hurt. I'd appreciate advice on how to handle things from here.

Some background:

I (26M) have known Odelia (25F) since we were around 10 or 11. We grew up as neighbours and were close friends throughout middle and high school. We dated in high school but broke up amicably when we went to different universities. That was almost a decade ago.

Our families are also close. Although neither family lives in our old neighbourhood anymore, they still celebrate festivals and national holidays together. Odelia and I have remained good friends, talking roughly twice a week as we've gotten busier with work and studies. I'm finishing graduate school, while she works at a publishing house in the city where she went to university.

The situation:

Arranged marriages are relatively common in our culture, although they range from family members introducing people to each other to much more coercive arrangements. In my experience, my family's approach has been the former.

I'm currently the oldest unmarried cousin on my father's side, so marriage comes up at family gatherings, usually in a joking manner. I've always made it clear that I'd prefer to find my own partner, and my family hasn't seriously pushed back on that, although I know my grandparents would like to see all their grandchildren married before their health starts to deteriorate.

This July, I was visiting home for a week when my parents and grandparents sat me down to discuss something that turned out to be a marriage proposal. I was prepared to turn it down immediately, but my father asked me to hear him out. He then revealed that the proposal had come from Odelia's mother and was for Odelia and me to get married.

I was shocked and upset. I'd spoken to Odelia the previous night, and she hadn't mentioned anything. I couldn't tell whether she'd known about the proposal and kept it from me or whether our families had been discussing this without her involvement.

I left the conversation and tried to contact her, but she didn't respond. The subject wasn't brought up again during the rest of my visit, and things were left unresolved.

After I returned to graduate school, Odelia began avoiding my calls and messages. I assumed she'd found out about the proposal and needed space, so I didn't push her. I tried to put the whole situation aside and focus on my thesis.

Yesterday, however, I received a roughly ten-minute voice message from her. To summarise, she said:

- She had known about the proposal and expected me to accept it.

- She felt hurt and rejected by my refusal.

- She felt that I'd been stringing her along for years.

There was more to the message, but those were the main points. After sending it, she appears to have blocked me on everything.

I'm struggling to understand where this came from. Odelia and I have joked and talked about arranged marriages before, and we've both expressed that we didn't want one, regardless of circumstances. We've also dated other people seriously over the years and have been open about those relationships with each other.

As far as I can remember, we haven't had a romantic conversation since our first year of university. I never understood our friendship to involve any expectation that we'd eventually get back together or marry each other.

I'd really like to salvage our friendship if that's possible. She's been a part of my life for so long that losing the friendship like this is painful. At the same time, I don't believe I did anything wrong by declining a marriage proposal I hadn't agreed to, and I don't want to circumvent her blocks by creating new accounts to contact her.

My father has since expressed regret and said he should have stopped the proposal from reaching me in the first place. My family hasn't raised the subject again, but Odelia's family has cut off contact with me and mine.

I spoke briefly to one friend about this today, and they advised me to leave the situation alone, block Odelia in return, and move on. Maybe this is the most sensible option, but I'm finding it difficult to accept that a friendship spanning so many years could end this abruptly, apparently over an expectation I didn't even know existed.

How would you approach this? Is there a respectful way to leave the door open for reconciliation without violating her boundaries or ignoring my own feelings?

TL;DR: My childhood best friend (25F) expected me (26M) to accept an arranged marriage proposal from her family, despite us having been platonic for years. I declined, and she accused me of stringing her along before blocking me everywhere. How do I respect her boundaries while leaving the door open for reconciliation?

Long story short. My boyfriend and I were dating for over a year. He accused me of cheating on him a few months ago. I never have. I know people usually have this kind of reaction when they have been cheated on or they are projecting. There might be other reasons, but I’ve had this fear that he was probably cheating on me for a while. I tried to talk, get reassurance but he would constantly say similar things. So I never got the security I needed.

When I was on his house on Tuesday, I found a black night gown under his duvet. He said it was a gift for me. But it was unwrapped and didn’t have any tags. It was also inside out. When I told him I thought he was sleeping with someone he asked me if I thought he was stupid, and accused me of ruining his surprise. I couldn’t sleep that night and confronted him again in the morning. He tried to tell me again that I tuned something good into something negative and that he wouldn’t give me gifts anymore. I managed to keep the item because he was claiming he was going to throw it away.

I broke up with him tonight because he didn’t want to show me his phone after I saw him texting someone. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t feeling like he had broken my trust. If he didn’t have anything to hide. He could have showed me his phone just like I show him mine. Or at least, try to reassure me and don’t defensively when I try to connect justify my feelings with his actions and words.

I told him to leave. The funny thing is that he claims he had proof me cheating on him because I was able to put pieces of furniture together, while I asked him to help me with some other stuff. Like what?

Anyway. I am heartbroken because I feel I can’t trust myself anymore. But if you are in the tristate area, and left a piece of clothing behind trying to see if he was cheating. He is. If you knew and, your intention was to have him all for yourself. Good luck. I hope he doesn’t treat you the way he treated me.

I asked my girlfriend to go on a trip outside the country with me back in May. She unfortunately lost her job right before the trip and I told her dont look for a another one until we come back. I let her know I will take care of any expenses outside the trip until she gets back on her feet. Its been a few months and I have taken care of her bills but I assumed she would be back at some job by now. The first few months were ok as I didnt mind but now feels like a burden. She has told me she has applied to several positions but has not had any luck. I feel responsible as I initially told her to take a break for a moment but not liking her reaction. I informed her she needs a job and got upset at me that she didnt know there was a time expectancy. I no longer wish to pursue the relationship further but feels like im leaving her to dry without waiting for her to get a job first. What might be the best course of action to take here?

The title is pretty much it. I’m 25F and he’s 35M. I know he’s joking, (right?), but there’s also many horror stories about dating guys and I don’t wanna be super chronically online either. I’m not sure if I want to mention to him that it makes me uncomfortable or even if I do mention it, he will just hide a side of himself from me. I’m not sure what to do.

We’ve only met recently too, about a month ago as well, through a mutual friend. What do you think? We aren’t exclusive, we are only talking and going with the flow for now .

He’s only said that when I’m being annoying ig or changing my mind what do you think? Thanks for your time.

Edit: I told him I don’t like that joke, he apologized and said I could beat him up. And said “never in a million years would he mean it” I happened right before I made this post.

I (30 F) have been seeing a guy (27 M) for \~7 weeks, we recently started having sex, the first time lasted about 2 hours, which is extremely long for me, and kinda scared me 🥲 the second time was for an extended period of time too. Both times he did not finish. I addressed it with him after the second time (specifically the duration and him not finishing) more so out of curiosity than anything else, I can't remember the details of the conversation but we had sex after and it lasted a normal amount of time and he did finish, so in my mind I thought that was the end of it. Hoooooooowever, we've had sex more since then and it's back to long sessions with him not finishing, so I'm a bit worried.

He's been really sweet and reassuring and he said he doesn't want me to get in my head about it but I can tell if it carries on like this, I absolutely will (shit I'm already posting on reddit about it 😅). We have spoken about it again here's everything he's told me:

\\- it happens sometimes but not on a regular basis (this worries me the most as we have had sex about 8 times now and he has only finished once)

\\- he really enjoys having sex with me, and goes for ages because he doesnt want it to stop

\\- finishing isn't super important to him because it feels really good regardless

\\- he doesn't want to get in his head about it during sex and focus on finishing and become desperate trying to get there, he enjoys it anyway

In terms of porn habits and masturbation, I'm sure a lot of comments are gonna mention this, in all honesty I don't know, I don't want him to feel like I'm prying or trying to diagnose him, so I haven't asked him about those things. From what I've (enjoyed) observing, he doesn’t seem to have a death grip and there are times where he seems to get close during sex but can't seem to cross the finish line.

I've not experienced this before so I'm a bit out of my depth but I thought maybe the next time we're together we spend more time exploring what he likes etc as the focus is normally on me.

Sorry this is so long but I'd like to know:

Does anyone have experience with this and how do you maintain your relationship if so? Other than mental health, meds, porn or death grip, are there other reasons this could be happening? What could I do as a partner to help?

My boyfriend 18M and I 18F have been together for about 3 months but we've been friends for about 3 years prior to our relationship, Ive noticed a complete switch in his behaviour and im not sure what to do about it. He is a man child in my eyes. I care a lot about my boyfriend and other than these aspects he is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. Ive noticed that the way he acts is more like an 8 year old than an 18 year old and it's sent me into literal fits of pure rage. I have to give him constant reminders about dates, times, hygiene, respect, responsibilities, tone, reactions etc. Mainly the things you'd have to teach a child not a grown man, his behaviour is like he's never had a single ounce of responsibility in his life. For one example I have 6 cats and one a few years back got outside one time and passed away not entirely sure how but it happened, he knows I care a lot about my cats and their wellbeing. I STRICTLY tell him I need him to shut doors and be quick about leaving the house because 1 out of 6 of my cats are literal escape artists but besides that one time he was staying over at my house (my parents house because we both still live with parents) and he had ordered pizza, my cat was in my room which is right next to the front door and he carelessly opened the front door and my cat got out, which I can understand mistakes happen but he left the door open while the pizza person was there to tell me that my cat got out and as I was freaking out a bit and grabbing any bag I could find to attract my cat back he comes back in and I leave the room for a second come back and the front door is left WIDE OPEN while he's sat back in my room eating a silce of pizza, not a single care in the world or any offer of help just sat there eating on his phone. so I say " im not talking to you" as I walk out and spend 5 minutes chasing my cat down he walks outside pizza still in hand and I was like "thank god he's gonna help me get my cat back", no. He literally walks right passed me and down the street like a literal child trying to run away because his parents made him mad. I thankfully got my cats back inside and I check life 360 (an app you can see where a person exact location is) and he's halfway across the block so I call him and I say "can you come back its 1 in the morning" and its the most childish petty way he says "No." so im on the verge of just bawling telling him to just come back and he does and I just bawled the entire time when he came back because how can you act that way and think its okay? there was also this other time where we were out with my family and we didn't have our seatbelts on in the back (we were leaving a camp ground) and my mom of course was a little upset about it and said to put our seatbelts on and so we did, she then reminded him that he was 18 and if police pulled us over he would get in trouble and his response in the snarkiest tone was "well then I guess its not your problem then" TO MY MOTHER. Ive communicated with him multiple times about how he also relies on people to do things for him rather than him be a big boy and do it for himself. He relies on his parents to do his laundry, remind him to clean his room, buy him everything. For another bit of context I grew up in a household where it was "figure it out yourself thats your responsibility" so I became very independent and get incredibly frustrated when people act like its their first time on earth. I've had to remind him multiple times if you need something now that you're 18 you have to figure it out yourself because parents are busy and others are busy and he still makes excuses for it? he lives 30 minutes from me and usually has his dad drop him off at my house and recently his dad was feeling sick and couldn't drive him and then he also tell me later on that he was told by his dad to clean his room so that he could go? like dont you feel a bit embarrassed about that? his room is a literal pigsty btw. If we have to go somewhere together or be up early for something I have to fight with him to get up because again in his world these responsibilities dont exist. he does everything last minute resulting in him forgetting everything and I have to remind him to do it. Another thing is when I have an issue with how he acted or something under the million of things I listed his first and only line of reaction is to say "no I didn't" or he will bring up something so irrelevant to the initial issue just to prove himself right like Eg. "you did this so I did this" thing and I have to remind him that it doesn't take away from actual issue at hand and I can't help but be reminded of a child not knowing how to take responsibility for something. Rather than growing in this relationship I feel like he's regressing backwards. He does not like to listen to anything I tell him at all, he has a scab on his face and it kept bleeding because he keeps picking at it and he's got strips of blood on his hand from wiping his face and I tell him to wash it and he just doesn't. I tell him if you're complaining about chapped lips put this on, he doesn't. I tell him you need to get up and get ready to go, he doesn't listen. he got me gifts for my birthday and not a single one was here in time for my birthday because instead of making an effort to just go out and get things he just ordered everything a week prior to my birthday. He is all about convenience rather than get It down before its due. I've communicated to him that I've had to parent him more than be his girlfriend and his was response to it is "well you get frustrated at me" yeah I do because you are acting like the most low effort person. he doesn't take care of himself properly. Im sorry if this is all over the place but I just needed to tell someone because I feel like I am literally crazy for focusing so much on these things, I know we are considered young but he is old enough to do all of these things for himself and he just doesn't. I just need some reassurance and advice on how to deal with this and whether this is even an issue that can be fixed.

EDIT: he also does have insane jealousy issues as well that you genuinely would only find in younger children and their first relationships, once I laughed at his friends joke in a group chat and he told me he didn't like that and not to do it again.

EDIT x2: I am not looking for judgement genuine help and this is my first time ever posting on reddit so please save the comments.

I was emotionally neglected since I was a young kid. It gave me life long issues including insecurity, people pleasing tendencies (I just realized I was doing this recently..), and a deep emotional numbness. Other important details: I have a successful career, good group of friends, a life. I’ve got it together except for my emotional issues.

I want to state upfront that I feel like this is all my fault. I’m probably asking too much, too fast, and not being understanding enough of my wife’s perspective. It’s like she’s dating a completely different person in the last year so I get where she’s coming from conceptually.

Have been going to therapy for years to fix these things and have made tremendous progress, including stopping my people pleasing, including in my relationship. I am trying so hard to communicate my needs for the first time ever.

And now all my wife and I do is fight. When I express irritation or frustration, ask for something, say I don’t want to do something, etc., it becomes a big big deal. She can’t emotionally regulate very well so everything becomes her sobbing (not just tearing up), say things like “fuck off/you,” she stormed away from a bar yesterday (the argument was my fault, I misunderstood something she said and got angry without clarifying first).

She said recently “all of a sudden it feels like you’re completely disappointed with me.” I’m sure I’m just not communicating right, I’m new to this. I also know I need to give her more assurance that I’m trying to make things better as opposed to just highlighting problems.

How do I be better at expressing my needs or concerns/problems without making my wife feel like I’m attacking everything about our relationship?

**update: I appreciate the wonderful advice from you good people of the world. I’ll note my wife has said she doesn’t want to do couples therapy. She didn’t specify any other than she thought it wouldn’t work. Not sure what to make of it

So my boyfriend and I were talking casually when he mentioned that he sometimes playfully spanks his mom on the butt. Apparently, sometimes she laughs and sometimes she gets annoyed. I told him I found that weird and inappropriate because personally I can’t imagine doing that with my mom. He said I was making their relationship weird when it was obviously funny and he liked annoying her like that, he’s been doing it since he was a kid and it was obviously just a joke. His friend was sitting with him and agreed with me but he dismissed both of us.
Today, something else happened. I was reading out the title of a Reddit post that said something like “My mom touches herself in front of the family,” and my boyfriend casually goes, “Everyone does it.”
I was like what? And he started laughing and asking if I didn’t do it and then asked if my mom didn’t either. I was genuinely confuse so I asked him what was he was talking about he started laughing and ignored my question but i pushed and told him to explain properly.
He then described a woman opening her legs and putting her hands under her shirt? down her pants? idk. He immediately followed it up with “everyone gets itchy, what’s the big deal? you’re making me describe it and you’re making it sound weird”
obviously scratching yourself because you’re itchy is one thing. But the way he initially said it, the way he laughed about it and the way he described it made me think he meant something else entirely. I told him that you don’t just do that openly in front of your family and he acted like I was making a big deal out of nothing.
And now I’m sitting here wondering if I’m missing something because these are two separate conversations where he’s said things about his relationship with his mom that I find genuinely weird.
I’m not saying there’s anything sexual going on and I’m not trying to make normal bodily functions weird. But the spanking thing AND the way he casually talked about touching yourself in front of family? Both conversations caught me off guard.
I want to know if these are things people actually consider normal because I’ve never encountered either situation as something casual or ordinary. I’m not asking whether every family has different boundaries. Obviously they do. I’m asking whether these specific behaviours are actually common or whether most people would find them weird too.

My boyfriend (28M) and I (25F) have been in what I genuinely considered an incredibly happy and healthy relationship for around a year. We rarely argue (we tend to have honest conversations rather than fights), communicate well (or so I thought), are affectionate, and have always talked about a future together.

Until last week, I had absolutely no reason to believe anything was wrong.

Throughout the past three weeks, he was still telling me he loved me, making plans for our future, talking about wanting to live together, spending time with both of our families, and inviting me to hang out with his friends. He had also recently planned a really thoughtful birthday trip for us. There was no pulling away, no change in affection, no unusual behavior. Nothing.

Then, completely out of nowhere, he came over and told me he’d been feeling differently about me for approximately three weeks.

I was completely blindsided.

When I asked him what he meant by “feeling differently,” he genuinely couldn’t explain it. He kept telling me how much he loves and cares about me, that I’m everything he’s always wanted in a partner, and that he doesn’t understand why he’s feeling this way.

As we talked, it became apparent that he’s been feeling overwhelmed in general and has started experiencing certain aspects of being in a relationship as obligations. He’s been incredibly stressed with work, has had very little personal time, and seems to be struggling to distinguish whether his feelings toward me have actually changed or whether he’s simply overwhelmed.

I also pointed out that he has a tendency to deal with difficult emotions by withdrawing or removing himself from situations rather than working through them. In the past, this has sometimes meant making major life changes, including moving abroad. He later told me that our conversation had opened his eyes to things he already knew deep down, and that he also believed breaking up wasn’t necessarily the answer.

He asked for two weeks of no contact to figure out what he’s actually feeling, without outside pressure, and hopefully come back with some clarity and a plan for moving forward.

I agreed, although it’s been incredibly painful.

What I’m struggling with most is how someone can go from being so loving, affectionate, and actively planning a future with you to suddenly questioning the relationship, seemingly overnight.

I understand that two people can experience the same relationship differently, but I genuinely cannot emphasize enough how normal and happy everything seemed, right up until the day he brought this up.

I love him deeply, and I’m willing to work through whatever is going on, but I also know I can’t do that alone. If we stay together, rebuilding my sense of security and trust will be a big part of that.

There are a couple of things I’d like to add for context:

- We met at work about three years ago. He left before we ever started dating, but we became really close friends long before anything romantic developed between us. I mention this because our relationship was built on a genuine friendship, and I feel like I know him very well, beyond just the romantic side of our relationship.

- Although we no longer work together, we’re both -
lawyers in a very niche field, so I genuinely understand the kind of stress and pressure he’s under. I’ve experienced a lot of it myself, which is partly why I believe his work-related stress could be affecting how he’s processing his emotions.

I know it’s possible for someone to struggle internally without showing any outward signs, but that’s what makes this so difficult for me to understand. I wasn’t overlooking red flags or ignoring changes in his behavior. There genuinely weren’t any that I could see.

What I’m looking for advice on:

I’m trying to figure out how to approach our conversation after these two weeks apart in a healthy and constructive way.

For those who have experienced a similar situation, what helped you understand whether the emotional disconnect was temporary or reflected a deeper change in feelings?

What specific steps helped you and your partner rebuild emotional security and trust after a period of uncertainty?

I’m particularly interested in practical advice on how to communicate my feelings without making him feel pressured, while also making sure my own emotional needs are acknowledged.

TL;DR: My boyfriend of approximately one year recently told me he’s been feeling emotionally disconnected for three weeks, despite continuing to express love, affection, and excitement about our future. He isn’t sure whether his feelings have changed or whether stress and emotional overwhelm are affecting his perception of our relationship. We’re taking two weeks of space before discussing what comes next. I’m looking for practical advice on navigating that conversation and rebuilding trust if we both decide to continue.

My husband and I cannot communicate in fights and I don't know if it's worth ending a marriage with a young child over. Whenever I bring up a problem such as "I'm hurt that you didn't do this, or that you did that without me" he gets incredibly defensive and just starts going tit-for-tat saying 'well you do this to me too, etc'. We both work, he works remotely and I go in a few times a week to the office. He would say that I'm overly critical and that I always find fault in what he does. I admit I am a perfectionist and I always want chores to be done well, such as plates to be completely clean, no food debris left on them, and no food crumbs on the floor or counter tops, if someone spills something, to clean it all up, not just do a cursory wipe of the hand.

Our dynamic is that before we had kids, I would do a majority of the household chores and he would help out by doing some too, but I'd say I did about 75% grocery shopping, planning meals, cooking, cleaning up the large items, and he'd do the dishes. About every 6 months, I find myself doing more and more to the point where I'm at the point of overwhelm with work and life stuff that I'd break down and beg him to help more. He would help after a big fight, but then after a few months, it would go back to the way things were.

Now that we have a 1 year old, this pattern ends up being once a month. I am at the end of my rope of exhaustion. I've begged to get therapy but it ends up with me unloading my grievances and him not saying a word and feeling embarrassed and attacked in therapy. We've tried to read relationship books in the past before we had a baby and when I bring up that he hasn't applied any of the learnings, he says I haven't either. I know that I can't go another year like this. I have my own therapist for figuring out why I'm hyperindependent and working through my issues. I need things to change. Is it possible for things to change? Has anyone worked through issues like this and stayed married? I just need advice, anecdotes, anything.

Me and my partner were what seemed to be completely fine, then next day he came over and made me read a note off his notes app basically saying how we shouldn’t be together because we have no common interests and how we could be with better people. I initially shut down and ask him to leave as I felt confused and to be honest, angry, so I had my breakdown, went out, got drunk, went home and suffered the next day. We needed up going on a walk and talking. Where he explained it’s because we didn’t open up, and how I didn’t enjoy going out much (I get anxiety from the thought of going places because I fear everything that could go wrong), and I explained that too him and how he could support me through it so we could do more, and he spoke about his issues and I explained to him, he can stay with his parents, he doesn’t have to be with me 24/7 I understand having time and nights apart is important! Especially since he has autism and struggles with self regulation. He just thought I’d get upset about it. He also expressed that I never showed interest in his music but I had automatically assumed he wanted it as his own sort of self soothing interest and would be frustrated if I involved myself.

I believe we just lacked communication.

He explained that he wants to find himself and he wants me to find myself too. So I asked, if we both work on ourselves, can we be together and he said yes.

I’m just really confused where we stand in the relationship and I don’t want him to think I’m ignoring what he’s saying, I’m just really confused on where we stand and what we are.

But I also don’t know where to start with working on myself, here are some of my faults I’ve noticed in myself.

I become too involved in my phone and will often choose my phone over him.
I have no hobbies.
I struggle showing affection due to not receiving much as a child.
I struggle taking topics seriously due to again my issues as a kid being down played as a joke so I just think it’s normal.
I don’t enjoy walks like he does but I really want to get into them.

How can I work on getting out of bad habits and improving myself, not only for him but for me because they’re not healthy habits to have for me as a person.

We had always discussed about kids, and she seemed onboard with it, but had some reservations about the toll it "might" take.

Finally yesterday we had a clear chat and she said she right now doesn't want kids, and she can't promise if she will in future. but she might.

She knows it's an important thing to me. I'm completely at a loss.
I do love her, but i think in a few years when she would actually declare she in fact doesn't want them, that will make me resent her.

anyone been through this? how did it turn out?

were you able to work it out? did it eventually break you apart?

edit: she is saying, she is afraid of the hormonal changes and the toll pregnancy takes, not like she doesn't like kids

UPDATE POST HERE - Automod wouldn't let me post on this sub for some reason: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/TbDgYrBSoM

My (27 M) wife (28 F) and I have been together for 8 years and married for 6. Our relationship has always been incredible. She moved to my country to be with me after initially coming here temporarily for school, and we've built a life together. We're aligned on pretty much everything, barely fight, have complete trust in each other, and have the exact same silly sense of humour. We're best friends, share everything, and naturally operate as a team. We have a puppy we adore and are excited about our future together.

I've been cheated on before, so I'm not exactly naive to the fact that things can come out of nowhere, but she's really never given me a reason to suspect anything.

A few months ago, we were watching TV on the couch after having smoked weed and eaten dinner, which is a pretty normal evening for us. Her phone lit up with an Instagram call. This immediately struck me as odd because she never uses Instagram to call anyone.

She grabbed her phone, turned it away from me, and spent around 30 seconds doing something on it while looking confused. I repeatedly asked what was going on, but she either didn't respond or said things like, "I don't know what's going on, this is weird."

I asked to see the screen, and she said to wait because she was trying to figure it out. Eventually, she put the phone down and told me it was a random spam call and that she'd blocked the person.

Her reaction was completely out of character. In eight years together, she'd never acted this way, and we'd never had issues with trust or hiding things from each other.

The next day, I brought it up again because it was bothering me. She apologized for how she'd handled it, saying it was just a random call, and she was confused, partly probably because she was high. I wasn't entirely convinced, but I let it go.

A month or two later, I asked her about it again. She said she didn't really know why she'd reacted that way and apologized for not letting me see her phone.

Today, we were working on some home renovation projects together, and I used her phone to set up Spotify. I noticed she had a Spotify conversation with a man I didn't recognize.

There were fewer than 20 messages spread over roughly a month and a half, starting a few months ago and ending about six weeks ago. They were sharing songs and there was one Spotify Jam request. Nothing was overly flirty or inappropriate.

She explained that he's a coworker. He lives in another country that she occasionally travels to for work and he controls the music at their office. He's around our age, they get along, and he's a chill guy.

I wouldn't normally think twice about this. She has friends at work, and I'm not someone who expects her to disclose every conversation she has. What struck me as unusual was that she talks about several of her coworkers, but I'd barely heard about this guy.

Combined with the Instagram incident, though, it made me uneasy. So I brought up the Instagram call situation again.

After I pressed her about the Instagram call, she finally admitted that it had been an ex from her home country calling her. She said she panicked because she felt weird about him contacting her unexpectedly, so she lied about it being a random call.

She said she'd blocked him during that initial interaction. I explained that the lie itself was making it difficult to trust her explanation, and she said she understood and was sorry. Her explanation was that she didn't know why he was calling, panicked, and then felt compelled to maintain the lie.

I asked if I could see her Instagram blocked list. She refused, saying that we don't look through each other's phones and that she wouldn't do it on principle.

For context, we have never had a rule against using each other's phones for ordinary things, and we have shared finances and a very open relationship (as in open to sharing things with each other. I even have access to her email). We just haven't made a habit of going through each other's private conversations.

I pushed back, explaining that the situation was different now because she'd admitted to lying and that seeing the blocked list would help reassure me.

She eventually started saying she couldn't remember whether she'd kept him blocked or might have unblocked him later. We checked the blocked list together, and he wasn't there. She said she thought she must have unblocked him at some point.

I then asked if we could go through her phone together, with her present the entire time. She refused again, saying it was a matter of principle. (She's also very stubborn and her standing on principles when doing the opposite would be easier is not at all out of character).

I told her that if our positions were reversed, I believe she'd also want reassurance, and that I didn't understand why she'd refuse if there was nothing to hide. We couldn't get anywhere with that conversation, and that's where things stand.

I want to be clear that I don't have any other concrete evidence of infidelity. Our relationship is genuinely great. We spend lots of time together, share our lives, trust each other in practically every other respect, and have plans for our future. She's never given me a reason to suspect she's cheating.

There also isn't much unexplained time in her schedule, although she does occasionally travel internationally for work.

The things bothering me are:

• Her initial reaction to the Instagram call was extremely unusual for her.

• She deliberately turned her phone away and wouldn't let me see what was happening.

• She lied about who was calling and maintained that lie over multiple conversations.

• She said she'd blocked her ex, but he wasn't on her blocked list when we checked.

• Now that she's admitted to lying, she's refusing to offer any further reassurance by letting me look through her phone.

• The Spotify messages with the male coworker are innocent on their face, but the timing and the fact that I barely knew about him have made me question things I otherwise wouldn't have questioned.

At the same time, I recognize that refusing to let a partner inspect your phone doesn't automatically mean you're hiding something. I don't want to become controlling or turn a previously healthy relationship into one where we have to prove our innocence to each other.

I'm struggling to figure out how much weight to put on the fact that she's never given me a reason to distrust her versus the fact that she has now demonstrably lied to me about something.

What do you think?

I'd appreciate honest perspectives, including if you think I'm handling this badly. I'm not looking for people to automatically tell me she's cheating or that I'm right. I want an outside perspective on what's reasonable here and how to move forward.

We were a hotel. We’ve been drinking. We were talking. We got in the conversation of lust. My girlfriend said I’m not lustful towards her. I told “I am. I’m the one that always initiate sex.” I touch her, I kiss her and everything. Sometimes she says no sex, just cuddle. In the past she said that I have to more aggressive and not take no as an answer when it comes to sex with her. So I don’t take no as an answer and I force myself onto her to have sex. Recently I felt, I guess, dirty in a way. It feels like I’m doing something wrong, even though it consensual. I don’t like the feeling that I’m taking advantage of her when she says no. I told her that lately I don’t feel wanted by her either. When I’m getting into it, she stops me. I told her that she doesn’t touch me like she did. Sometimes it feels like I’m forcing her to touch me. I said all this. And it went a different direction. She started going off on how doesn’t know if she’s my type or if I’m gay and so on. She said that her coworker lust over her and he tells her all these things but she stops herself because she’s with me. He told my girlfriend, he wants her as his girlfriend. She said if that coworker was in my shoes at this very moment, he would be all over her. I know that coworker and he’s a serial cheater and everybody knows that. So I told my girlfriend, “you’re always questioning my loyalty even though I never did anything behind your back but you’re thinking about your coworker(whose always cheating with other women) and you’re believing him that if you guys end up together he won’t cheat on you. Help me understand that!” She said “I just do.”

She switched the topic after. She asked if I had an instagram. I told yes, I just made one. She asked why? I said “ I follow tattoo artists and I’m looking for my next tattoo” She said “let me see.” So I gave her my phone and she started looking through instagram. Keep in mind we’re drunk. So I’m dozing off while she’s checking. Next thing I know, I feel a slap across my face and her yelling at me. I was shocked. I never expected her to hit me. She kept yelling “who are these people and why are they women?” She was talking about the suggested people. I told her “I don’t know. I don’t follow them. You can see I only follow 4 people and they’re tattoo artists” She started yelling “why is my best friend popping up for you?! Do you want her? Is she your type? Nobody wants her but you do? Are you stalking people? You’re so shady! Why didn’t you tell me you had an instagram account? You already have tattoos, why do you need an instagram for tattoo artists?” Then, she threw my phone on my face. I was trying to explain to her. But she wasn’t listening. She just kept calling me shady and a cheater. She got my phone again and started going through it. She was searching things up on why these girls were popping up for me as suggestions. She found something online saying that I interacted with them. I never did such a thing. I never messaged anyone on instagram. She didn’t believe me. She threw my cell on the bed and fell on the floor. She just kept saying we are so over! Then, she asked if I was on dating apps. I said no. I went to the App Store and show her that I never downloaded any dating apps. She said you’re just using your computer for it.

I got mad and started getting defensive. I told her “ The only person who’s shady is you! You cheated on me. You said it didn’t count because it was a girl. I’ve told you in the past, I want us to be monogamous. I don’t want you with anyone but me and that includes other women. You were okay with it. I only reason I found out you cheated on me because you told on yourself when you were drunk. I brought it up afterwards and you were shocked that you told me that. You said that weren’t going to tell me until we went somewhere for vacation so you can sit me down. You ended the conversation with ‘I see how much this hurt you, next time if this happens again, I won’t tell you’. I continue telling her that wasn’t the only time she told me. She literally told me she kissed her serial cheater coworker. So I went off on that. I told her that she lied that she blocked and deleted his number. She tried showing me her messages with him. She was like ‘look we don’t even talk’ I told her because you deleted those messages. She stayed quiet. I said the only person who’s shady is you and you know it. Being accused doesn’t feel good,huh? So why do it to me,when I’ve done nothing but you are.” She kept saying “but I told you what I did” I said that still doesn’t make it okay.

She started packing her bags and called an uber. I followed her to bring her back inside but she wouldn’t. I waited with her until her uber arrived. We started arguing again. I told her I was tired of her treated her feelings as facts and that she’s always right. She kept bringing up my instagram account. She said “not once did I tell her about my account. I didn’t say sorry that I had an account or promise that I’ll delete it.” I said I didn’t know it was such a big deal. She slapped me again. She said “ I’m never going to forget this. How you made me feel or how you let me get an uber home. I hate you. I don’t want to see ever again!” Her uber came and that was it.

What can I say? I don’t want to leave things how they are now. I’m still shocked that she hit. Even though it happened a couple hours, I still feel the sting. I’m hurt that she was capable of doing something like that. I feel so conflicted, I love her but now I’m kinda scared. All I’m thinking is what else is she capable of doing, it started with a slap than what’s gonna be next? I’m honestly thinking of calling it quits on this relationship. I don’t feel like chasing her and making amends. What could’ve I done differently?

Okay, so I'm (30M) stuck in a bit of a weird situation since yesterday and I'm confused as to what to do as I don't know if I'm the troublemaker here or not.

My friend, let's call him Sam, a 31 M year old guy and he is in a relationship for the past 4 years. He has a friend, let's call her Ash, 31 F and although they were never in a relationship but they have had their moments when they were in college. He had mentioned about Ash a couple of times to me but nor Ash or I have ever met each other in person nor have we ever interacted on social media till date. I had seen Ash's picture once a couple of years back when her profile came on my suggestion list in Instagram but I never sent her a request or anything like that.

The day before yesterday, I came across a profile on a dating app and I had replied to a prompt on her profile and we matched and started talking. After a certain time when she mentioned about her hometown and her college, I put 2+2 together and realised and asked her if she's Ash and she confirmed that. I also mentioned that I'm Sam's friend and she was happy to hear that. Please note that in this dating app, only the first word of the name was shown in the profile, so I had no way to know her actual name before matching.

As she happens to be a friend of Sam, whom I do consider my closest friend, I thought it would be basis courtesy to inform him about the fact that I had matched with her old friend. At present, they are not in contact by the way. My friend Sam upon hearing that we had matched got pretty upset and disappointed and told me that he doesn't mind me talking to her but he doesn't want me to date her as they have had a 'deep friendship' which may have involved a fling. He also cited 'bro code' but I'm unsure as to how that applies here as they have never been any sort of relationship before and most importantly they aren't even in contact and he's in a relationship now as we speak.

I'm genuinely confused now as what to do here as Ash from the looks of it seems to be pretty interested in talking to me and knowing about me. I'm confused as to how to navigate this situation. Any help or advice would be appreciated.

I feel like I can't express frustration to my husband without him turning it into me being the problem.

I genuinely need to vent because I'm so overwhelmed and frustrated right now. This all literally started out of such a small thing and completely escalated. Also English isn't my native language so apologies if I make some mistakes.

For context, my husband and I have a cat who frequently vomits and gets hairballs. I've repeatedly asked him to keep the living room door closed overnight because I don't want her vomiting on our couch. She has access to all the rest of the house.

Anyway, this Sunday morning, around 8/9 AM, I woke up after going to bed at 3 AM. I was exhausted and just wanted to eat something. My husband had left the living room door slightly open, and of course, our cat got in and vomited over the couch and floor.

I was frustrated, but I immediately cleaned everything up, ate my breakfast, and went back to bed.

I asked my husband, "Can you please make sure to keep the living room door closed next time?" That's literally all I wanted. I wasn't asking him to clean anything. I wasn't blaming him for the cat vomiting. I just wanted to prevent this from happening again.

For context, I sleep with earbuds because our apartment is very noisy and I struggle with sleep. I still had them in when I spoke to him.

He immediately started accusing me of yelling at him. I genuinely wasn't trying to yell. I was just asking him to please remember to close the door. I understand that wearing earbuds might have made me speak louder than I realized, but that wasn't my intention at all!

Instead of acknowledging what I was saying, he started telling me everything I SHOULD have done differently.

"You shouldn't have cleaned it."

"You should have called me to clean it."

"You should have done this instead."

"Why are you made at me?"

"Why are you yelling at me?"

"I'd much rather clean cat vomit than have to deal with this argument."

And I'm sitting there thinking, what? I already cleaned it. I am not asking you to do anything right now. I am just asking you to please close the door next time. Also, can people not even get upset at each other? Being upset is a healthy emotion. But I am not allowed to show it. When I do, he often says he'd much rather have prevented it and I should have told him sooner etc.

At this point, I started trying to explain that I've been incredibly overwhelmed lately. Life has been really difficult for me, and sometimes I just need my husband to listen to me and acknowledge how I'm feeling instead of immediately trying to correct me or tell me what I should have done. I start getting really emotional and getting teary eyed because it just has been a lot on me. I have been on a waiting list for Major Depressive Disorder and PTSD treatment for over a year now and I am on sick leave. Everyday is hard for me and I feel like death would be more kind for me, a lot of time. I just feel really shitty right now. I don't have another support system besides my husband as my family was abusive. I am 27F and he is 38 if that matters.

But he kept just going on about what I should have done. He dismissed my feelings and then made it about how it is for him to be woken up by this. Then he brought up having had a migraine the previous night and said he couldn't handle the conversation. I didn't even know he had a migraine. Anyway I understand, but I wasn't trying to start some huge argument in the first place.

Then he started saying things like, "Fine, I'll just clean the whole house right now." When that is not at all what I am asking for.

I kept trying to explain myself, and the more dismissed and unheard I felt, the more frustrated I became. Eventually, yes, I raised my voice. I'm not going to pretend I handled every second perfectly.

By the end of the argument, my husband was sobbing and crying because I was apparently yelling at him. Suddenly, the entire conversation was about how I had upset him.

For additional context, I'm a 5'4 woman weighing around 58 kg. My husband is approximately 6'7 and more than twice my weight. Obviously, being smaller doesn't mean I can't hurt someone's feelings by raising my voice. I understand that. But it's incredibly frustrating to feel like I've committed some terrible offense when I was initially just trying to communicate a request.

I feel like there is no room for my frustration or emotions in these conversations. The moment I express them, the focus shifts to his reaction, his feelings, and everything I supposedly did wrong. This happens a lot when I talk about my feelings of needing the vent. Suddenly I'm no longer the person who needed some understanding. I'm the person who has to defend herself, explain herself repeatedly, and somehow manage his emotions on top of my own. I often have to tell him how to help me in those moments and have done that a lot, but he just doesn't understand it.

I don't need him to fix everything. I don't need a lecture about what I should have done differently.

I just wanted to hear, "I'm sorry, I'll make sure to close the door next time. I understand you're overwhelmed." I just wanted him to acknowledge my feelings and listen to me. Also, I do ask him to do things like for example the other night I asked him to deflea the cat. He said tomorrow. Tomorrow came and he didn't do it. So I just did it myself, which was fine. Often if I do ask him about cat stuff, he says he will do it but then doesn't end up doing it. So naturally I do it myself and don't ask as much.

I know raising my voice isn't helpful, and I want to take responsibility for that. But I also don't know how to communicate when I feel like nothing I say is actually being heard.

Can I get some advice to make this better? Also has anyone else experienced this kind of dynamic with their partner? How do you deal with feeling like your emotions always get overshadowed by your partner's reaction to them? I just don't know how to even talk to him at this point. I can't ever tell him I am upset or mad at him, because it really gets to him. I feel like I can't communicate my feelings and have to keep it all in. I feel like I am not even allowed to be upset or mad at him.,

I made a mistake in the title, I’m 19 and he’s 27.

My friends have me second guessing ending my relationship

Also posted in r/charlottedobre

I’m going to keep this as condensed as I can because I’m here to vent but don’t want to make this post too long. For context: I (19 F) just broke up with my bf (27M) and I am aware that the age gap already has a lot of people in their gears but please just listen to my story and give me advice.

Roughly 2 months ago, I discovered he’s in one of those explicit group chats when I was borrowing his phone. I was about to leave the group chat when he took his phone and told me not to.

Red flag.

According to him: “my brother wants me in this group chat to see if his gf is in there.” Which is a stupid excuses because first of all, why would your brother want you seeing his gf like that???

I tried not to say anything in the moment but I kept it in mind because wtf?

A couple weeks later, he was scrolling through his photos and I saw an explicit video (it definitely wasn’t me because I’d remember having white skin) and took the opportunity to express how uncomfortable I am with my partner viewing explicit material of other people and that I believe it’s disrespectful to me. This time, he tried to excuse his actions with: “it’s not a local woman so my chances of meeting her isn’t great”

Second red flag.

I also made it very clear that I thought it was a deal breaker and won’t stay with a man who does it. I also threw in that , if he wants a girlfriend who’s okay with that kind of thing, be with a girl who’s okay with it. He reiterated that it’s only me he wants and left the group chat and also deleted the video. I believed that he understood and it was alright between us.

Ik, I’m stupid.

Fast forward to today, we were about to initiate “having coitus” as Sheldon Cooper would say 😂 when I glimpsed him switching apps from safari to YouTube. GUYS! All I saw was a white ass- and had to take a look at my skin to remind myself that I, in fact, am black so it definitely ain’t my ass.

I picked his phone up, switched back to safari and rested it on his chest, before I began to pack my clothes without another word.

At first he believed I wasn’t serious until I came back to watch him delete my nudes off his phone.

This was where the excuses started to pile in.

“You’re really ending it with me because of this?”

Yes. Yes I am.

“Other men do worse”

I know. That’s why I’m not with them.

“What if I have a problem?”

Your opportunity to tell me has passed.

“What if I’m using it to help us”

EXCUSE ME?! You think that watching someone else having sex before having sex with me would make me feel flattered? I feel gross because now I think that you were imagining them while inside of me.

This was the moment all my respect was lost for him and I yelled at him for the first time.

“I. Do. Not. Care.”

Anyways, so I was telling my sister and my friend about this when they both told me “so?” And my friend responded with: “that was petty, men will be men”

GUYS. WHEN I TELL YOU HOW MUCH I ABHOR THAT PHRASE!!!!

At the end of the day, there’s someone out there who doesn’t do those things and that’s who I want to be with.

Please help me, I’m very conflicted on what to do here