r/relationship_advice

My [40f] husband [40m] and I have been married for over a decade. We’ve had our ups and downs for sure, and things have been feeling pretty rough lately, in general.

When my husband is in the mood to initiate sex, he does this thing that really bothers me. He’ll lay on his back in our bed, fondling himself. He’ll be hard, and he’ll just lightly stroke & touch himself overtop of his clothes. Nothing else besides that, but it makes me really uncomfortable. It makes me feel oddly pressured to have sex, and it feels like a passive aggressive way to initiate. It communicates to me, “hey, I’m really horny, and I’m expecting sex”. I’ve told him multiple times exactly how it makes me feel, we’ve had full discussions about it. Those discussions were a while ago though, maybe a year+ before now.

Our marriage had been going okay for a while until recently, and our sex life was the best it had ever been, so I didn’t want to rock the boat and bring this topic up to him again. He had stopped doing the behavior for a little bit, but then he started doing it again regularly some months ago. But I never brought it back to his attention, bc I was desperate to not fight. I’m so tired of arguing.

So, I found him stroking himself in bed about 5 or 6 nights ago. I told him that I could tell he was in the mood for sex (without bringing up specifics or pointing out that he was playing with himself). We had been arguing over something else recently, so I calmly told him that I was surprised that he thought I might be in the mood to have sex, and that he must not understand how angry & hurt I’ve been feeling if he thought there was a chance we might have sex. He nicely said that he understood, and that was that.

(i’d like to note that he has a prescription for Viagra. So if he’s hard and touching himself, that means he has taken a Viagra, and therefore is at least anticipating the possibility of having sex.)

Then, two nights ago, I walked into our room to go to bed, and he was on the bed, reading on his phone, and fondling himself. Again. Seeing this again really made my stomach turn. Our ongoing issue(s) hadn’t been resolved. Nothing had changed since the other night when I had turned him down. So I called him out on it. I pointed out that he was fondling himself, and that he knows exactly how that makes me feel. I told him that I’d never intentionally do something that made him feel uncomfortable & pressured to have sex. He apologized, and said he forgot that touching himself in that context upset me, but it seemed to me like he really didn’t understand what a big deal this was to me. To get him to see the severity of it in my mind, I told him (as delicately yet straightforward as I could) that it was like sexually predatory behavior in my opinion: He knew that sexual action/behavior really upset me, and he was still doing it, purely bc he wanted sex. I told him it felt like he was sexually accosting me when he did that. He became incredibly defensive. He said I was attacking his character. He said that it was impossible for him to sexually accost me bc that’s only something that happens in public between strangers. He reiterated that he was sorry, but basically that I was blowing it out of proportion bc he wasn’t doing it to be predatory, in so many words, he was doing it compulsively, and he just wasn’t thinking about how it made me feel. I told him that his intent was moot; bottom line is his actions were explicitly unwanted, and he knew it.

I’m deeply disturbed, and frankly grossed out that he would treat me this way. Especially so bc I rarely turn him down for sex. I say yes to sex 98% of the time he wants it. So what gives? Why not approach me for sex in a way that he knows will be effective? Why do something that he knows for a fact will upset me? And how dare he act defensive and like I hurt him when I confronted him about it?! He said that I was attacking his character, and he ended up texting me this metaphor today: “lol I think any human can understand that your comments are not productive and you’re not trying to work out a solution or make this work. You’re just full of contempt. I’ll make sure that when my direct report forgets to do something at work, I’ll just point out that he’s actually a lazy person and because he said he’d do it correctly, he’s also a liar and that’s just who he is.”

This feels like extreme gaslighting and abuse of my emotions. My head is spinning.

TLDR: Is my husband fondling himself a big deal when I’ve told him how much it bothers me? Or is it valid that he just forgot, and is my reaction psychotic?

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eta: it feels like a massive lack of accountability or understanding of the seriousness of this situation on his part. he texted me these two paragraphs after creating these posts

I understand “I forgot” is not reassuring, I understand that trust is earned through actions over time, but I took what you said seriously. But when you keep doing this, telling me how ashamed I should be, and making out the behavior as analogous to something much worse, you show no respect for me, nor my boundaries while asking me to do that for you. I’m not trying to turn this around and make it about me, I’m separating feedback about my behavior, how it makes you feel, and how I can change it vs. you then shifting the behavior to conclusions about my character.

I understand that this behavior has made you feel pressured and I take that seriously. I’m not going to argue with how it affected you. I’ve committed to stopping and I intend to follow through. I also don’t think continuing to debate labels is productive or with benevolent intent.

My boyfriend (35M) and I (34F) have been together for 8 months. Recently we went on a trip with some of his longtime friends.

Whenever they get together, they drink a lot and usually stay up until sunrise. I normally hang out with them too, but my grandfather had passed away the day before, so I wasn't really in the mood and went to bed early.

Apparently, after everyone got very drunk, one of his closest friends (B., 35F) brought up something that happened years ago. Whatever she said really upset him.

Around 5 a.m., he came to bed, woke me up, and started telling me that B. had told a story from their past in a way that made him "the villain." He kept insisting (over and over) that he was not the villain and that he completely disagreed with her version of events.

What struck me wasn't just what he was saying, but how he was acting. His voice was breaking, and his tone was completely unlike him. The best way I can describe it is that he sounded almost like an upset child. I don't mean that as an insult, it was just so out of character that it stood out.

Then things got even stranger. He kept saying I could ask him anything and that he'd answer honestly, but at the same time he refused to actually explain what had happened. It felt like he was saying, "If you can guess what I'm talking about, then I'll tell you," while giving me almost nothing to go on.

The whole interaction felt bizarre. I was tired, confused, and honestly starting to get irritated, so I decided not to push him while he was clearly drunk. I figured we'd talk about it once he sobered up.

The next day, though, he acted completely normal. His friends did too. Everyone just complained about their hangovers, and no one mentioned the conversation again.

I decided to let it go because I assumed it was just drunk drama. Also, I've done embarrassing things while drunk before, and I hate when people bring them up later, so I treated him the way I'd want to be treated.

But ever since that trip, he's been acting strangely whenever this particular group of friends comes up. He constantly says they love gossip, exaggerate everything, and twist stories just to create drama.

Now I'm wondering if he panicked because B. brought up whatever happened while they were sitting right outside the bedroom where I was sleeping. Part of me wonders whether he woke me up to see if I'd overheard anything while also trying to frame himself as the victim just in case I had. And now I can't stop wondering whether he's been trying to discredit his friends in case one of them tells me what actually happened.

I know that's a pretty big leap, and maybe I'm overthinking all of this. But the whole situation felt so odd that I haven't been able to shake it.

Am I being paranoid? Does this sound like something worth asking him about? And if so, how would you bring it up?

TL;DR: My boyfriend woke me up at 5 a.m. after drinking to repeatedly insist he wasn't "the villain" in a story his friend told, but refused to explain what actually happened. Since then, he's repeatedly called that friend group gossipers who twist stories. I'm struggling to figure out how to interpret this and how to approach a conversation about it without making unfair assumptions.

Me 25M. Cant say anything more specific incase someone figures out whose account this is. My girlfriend is 21F.

I've been with my girlfriend for just under a year. She became pregnant during the first stages of our relationship, even though medical professionals had previously told me that it's extremely unlikely I'd be able to get someone pregnant.

When she told me she was pregnant, I moved to her city because I wanted to be there in case the baby is mine. Looking back, I think she may already have been showing concerning behaviour, but I didn't really notice at the time because I only saw her on weekends. I'm very career-focused, so we didn't spend every day together.

Since then, her behaviour has gone far beyond what I'd expect from normal pregnancy-related changes. She constantly lies, manipulates situations, and has caused problems between me and my friends.

One example that really shook me was when I confronted her after catching her in a lie. During the argument, she threatened to kill herself and the unborn baby (where past the stage where abortions are possible). She has also found to have drugs in her system while currently pregnant.

It's gotten to the point where I'm probably going to cut ties with her altogether. I don't even know if I want to find out whether the baby is mine because the situation has become so bad.

My long-term boyfriend (25M) is a straight man (or at least that’s how he’s always identified). I’m a queer woman (25F), but we’re in a monogamous relationship, and monogamy is a non-negotiable for me.

I recently discovered that he had downloaded Grindr. When I asked him about it, he told me it was because the job market is so awful and he was using it to look for work.

I’ve genuinely never heard of anyone using Grindr for job searching. I know networking can happen almost anywhere, but this explanation feels… really difficult to believe.

For context, he’s never expressed any attraction to men. He’s said he’s straight, has no interest in men, and no interest in things like pegging or exploring that side of sexuality. If he came out as bisexual, that honestly wouldn’t be the issue for me. The issue would be dishonesty and violating our agreement to be monogamous.

So I’m wondering: is there any legitimate reason a straight man would download Grindr that I’m somehow missing? Has anyone actually heard of people using it for professional networking, or am I being incredibly naive by even considering that explanation?

I don’t want to jump to conclusions if there’s something obvious I don’t know, but I also don’t want to ignore glaring red flags because I love him.

Am I missing something here, or am I being played?

TLDR: I love my husband, but after years of feeling unsupported through my health struggles, discovering he never wanted children despite telling me he did, and living with his anger and emotional outbursts, I don’t know if there’s anything left to save. He’s finally trying after an ultimatum, but I feel completely broken.

God where do I start with this mess. My husband and I got married six years ago when we were really young. Before we got married, he was everything I ever wanted. He was kind, patient, funny, and made me feel so loved. I genuinely thought I had found my person. Looking back now, I wonder if I ignored things because I loved him so much. Maybe the signs were there, and I just didn’t want to see them. Not long after we got married, my health started getting worse. I have epilepsy, and over the years my doctors have constantly adjusted my seizure medication and antidepressants trying to find something that worked. Every medication change affected me differently. Sometimes I couldn’t think straight, sometimes I was exhausted, sometimes I just wasn’t myself. I wasn’t choosing to be sick.

I was doing everything I could just to get through each day. I needed my husband more than ever during that time, and honestly I never really felt like I had him. I had already moved from Florida all the way to California to be with him. I left my family, my friends, and everything I’d ever known because I believed we were building a life together. Even after all these years, I still miss home every single day.
Money got tight, so I pushed myself to get a job even though my health wasn’t good. It was hard. Really hard. But I wanted to help us. Even when money was tight, I’d secretly save little bits here and there so I could surprise him with anniversary dates or little trips because I knew he couldn’t afford to. Seeing him happy made me happy. At least it used to. Then one night I woke up around 2 a.m. and realized he wasn’t in bed. I walked out and overheard him drinking with one of his friends. I heard his friend telling him he should divorce me. I still remember exactly how that felt. I just stood there listening, hoping I misunderstood. They were drunk, so I kept telling myself maybe it didn’t mean anything. Maybe they were just talking.
But those words never left me. A while later, I had this horrible gut feeling to look through his phone. I know people will probably judge me for that, but something inside me told me I needed to. I found messages between him and that same friend. He was complaining about me. About how he was tired of waiting for me to get better.

Then came the conversation that completely shattered me. Before we got married, I told him one thing I couldn’t compromise on. I wanted children. I asked him multiple times before we got married if he wanted kids too, and every single time he said yes. Over the years, whenever I’d bring it up, he’d tell me we needed to wait until my health got better. So I waited. I believed him. I kept hoping. A few weeks ago, after six years of marriage, he finally admitted that he doesn’t actually want children. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so blindsided. It felt like someone ripped away the future I’d spent six years believing we were building together. I keep asking myself. Did he always know? If he never wanted kids why tell me he did? Why let me marry him believing we’d have that life someday? I don’t know how I’m supposed to move past that.

On top of everything else, his anger has gotten worse over the years. He’s never laid his hands on me. But he’s punched walls. Thrown things. Hit the steering wheel while screaming in the car while we’re on the highway. I know he has autism, and I know that can make emotional regulation difficult. I’m not blaming his diagnosis. But I also know that this isn’t healthy, and it’s taken a huge toll on me. I’ve begged him for years to get therapy. To talk to someone. To get help. Nothing ever changed.

The issue I have currently is that I don’t know if I’m already gone. These past several months have completely broken me. I’ve barely been eating. I barely drink water. I’ve gone weeks without showering because I just don’t have the energy. I cry over everything. I’m angry all the time. I’m starting to lash out, and I hate the person I’m becoming. I know I need help too, and I’m trying to get it because I don’t want to keep living like this.But he doesn’t and even his parents still think he doesn’t need therapy or medication. I just feel so alone. I still love him. Or maybe I love who he used to be. Maybe I love the version of him I thought I married. I honestly don’t know anymore. I never imagined I’d be 26 years old questioning everything about my marriage. I don’t know if people can come back from this. I don’t know if too much damage has already been done. I guess I’m just wondering.

One of the hardest parts of all of this is that I don’t really have anyone in my life telling me it’s okay to leave. Both of our families are religious and everyone around us believes that marriage is forever. I was raised to believe that separation and divorce are against the Bible unless adultery has happened. Since he hasn’t cheated on me or physically abused me, I constantly question whether I’m even “allowed” to think about leaving. It makes me feel incredibly guilty because part of me feels like I’d be failing God, failing my vows, and failing everyone around me if I walked away. At the same time, I can’t ignore how broken I’ve become. I don’t know how much longer I can keep living like this. So I’m stuck between what I’ve always been taught and what my heart and mind are telling me. I don’t know if staying is the right thing to do anymore, but I also don’t know if I could live with the guilt of leaving.
Has anyone else been in this position? How did you separate your faith from the reality of what you were living through? If you were me, would you keep fighting?

TLDR: I no longer have alone time late at night and I’m not happy about it.

We’ve just started living together full time in a new house I’ve rented, but had spent every weekend together in my last house. I downsized from a run down two story three bedroom to a shotgun style duplex with a total of four rooms.

It’s perfect for us and is in much nicer shape than where I was living at, but the old house had an open concept master bedroom upstairs that I could fit my gaming setup as well as my bedroom in. In the new house, I use our primary TV in the living room to game on. Previously, my girlfriend could go lay in my bed while I stayed up for another hour or so to play video games, but now she lays on our couch with me instead.

I’m not annoyed by her presence, we’re very much in love and I never want to be without her. However I’m a pretty solitary person outside of her and have a stressful job with long-ish hours. After I get home, it’s usually 3-4 hours of us cooking dinner, hanging out, and generally being joined at the hip. I really enjoy this time, but I loved having that time alone while she slept, but I think if I try to tell her that it’ll hurt her feelings which I really don’t want to do.

Me [21M] and my girlfriend [20F] have been together about 10 months, and recently have gotten into an argument about me having wandering eyes . She says i look at other girls asses when i’m with her or other girls in general and that this has happened multiple times and she didn’t say anything until now. She says she’s upset because she doesn’t want to be with a lustful guy and that she feels disrespected, and that even though we talked and this behavior changed she doesn’t know if she can ever get over this because in the back of her head she’s always gonna think that if i can do it while she’s there, there could be other things that i’m doing when she’s not there, and that I shouldn’t have even looked in the first place. Now she brought up 1 example of me looking at a girl that was in front of me getting out the hot tub and she was correct about it, but to me i wasn’t thinking about it in a lustful way or in a way that I was checking her out consciously, It was a quick glance. I honestly don’t know what to do because i never consciously noticed this behavior. I tried to explain that I always look around at my surroundings, but she was like you never have done this to a guy and that i’m checking people out. I’ve done my best to reassure her and try to help her understand that she’s special to me and that i don’t want anyone else, but she is so insistent on asking me why and to be honest i don’t even have an answer. Im at a point where i don’t even know what the next step is.

TLDR: girlfriend [20F] is mad because she thinks I [21M] Have wandering eyes and it makes me lustful. I have tried to reassure her and dont know what i should do next.

I (M34) have been dating a phenomenal woman (F50) for about a month. In the professional world she’s my boss. She loves being in charge but outside of work likes me to take over. It’s definitely in my sexual vocabulary to use ‘good girl’ and ‘that’s my girl’ and is often welcomed, perhaps it’s my British accent living in North America? First time I’ve said it with my partner via text and worrying how it’ll be received. What’s the consensus? I have so much respect for this woman and want to be sexy and risky but is that ok?

Thank you!

My (28F) bf (29M) blames me for all his/our issues and told me I've never met his needs or been a partner

My boyfriend when upset tells me I’m the source of his misery, financial stress, debt, emotional damage, and unmet needs. He says he’d be better off financially and emotionally if we’d never gotten together, and he would be ahead if it weren't for me. I’ve been jobless for a few months while trying to finish my degree and deal with the fact that my mom is dying, but he says I don’t have “real responsibilities” like he does because he works 40 hours a week. I've contributed what I can in the relationship and helped with moving costs, household items, handle errands, shopping, cooking, cleaning, and we live in a rural area so this is why its been difficult for me. I've never struggled with work before. He does pay all bills alone though and I know this effects him, and I'm desperately trying for work.

A huge issue is sex/intimacy. He says I haven’t met his sexual needs, and he blames a lot of his unhappiness and insecurities on me. He also says my insecurities as a woman are “fixable” with effort or surgery, so my struggles aren’t comparable to his as a man. He has had insecurities as a man and with himself, he has severe blame towards me with this specific topic and says I've committed unforgiveable and inexcusable actions regarding this. Hes compared me sexually to past partners and his ex, to materials he watched, blames my PCOS which I've also been trying to diet/gym/desperately go to doctors who don't care.

What confuses me is that no matter how much I apologize, take accountability, ask what I can do better, clean, emotionally support him, or try to talk things through, it’s apparently never enough. He says I should already know how to be a partner and that it’s not his job to tell me. He says a relationship shouldnt be this hard and says I've hurt him the worst in his life and destroyed him as a man. This is so damaging to hear, I just had a panic attack outside after hearing this again.

He's also kind of cheated multiple times, by downloading dating apps, sending ntimate pictures to other people because of the resenment he has for me attached to his insecurity. He has lied to me, called me names, exploded during fights, and then justified this by saying the relationship or my behavior “caused” him to do those things, my mistakes pushed him to do these things or say these things to me. Basically that I deserve it because of this or because I'm not sexually attractive anymore after being sick and gaining weight.

He also claims I never supported him emotionally, which honestly hurts because I absolutely have even with my own health issues, stressful periods, and through his emotional breakdowns. I was emotionally supporting him before and after surgery, have always asked if hes okay, how he feels, if he needs anything, offer massages, express remorse, care, or love, he rejects my compliments, reassurance, and efforts a lot. He always paints and sees me in a negative picture and accuses me of the same.

I have tried in this relationship and I have taken accountability, apologized, cried, begged, tried to change, adapt, make effort, listen, it hurts he truly believes I haven't. He says I've projected, I am a liar, a hypocrite, stunted, not a real adult, he was better off alone and never needed help from anyone like I have and he managed to get his s\*\* together. Is what hes said.

The worst part is the constant flip-flopping. Sometimes he says everything is my fault and I ruined his life. Other times he admits he contributed too. Sometimes finances “don’t matter,” then suddenly they’re proof I destroyed everything. Sometimes he says we should’ve never been together, but if I talk about leaving, he gets angry too.

I know I’m not perfect. I can be anxious, emotional, clingy, and intense when I feel abandoned. I have made mistakes and been a terrible gf at times. But I genuinely can’t tell anymore if I’m actually abusive/selfish or if this relationship has just become consumed by resentment, blame, cheating, and emotional damage..I am desperate to fix things as stupid as I may sound for this.

TL;DR: My boyfriend says I ruined his life financially, emotionally, and sexually, while blaming me for his cheating and mistreatment. I’m dealing with being jobless, finishing my degree, and my mom dying, but he says I don’t have “real” responsibilities. I’m trying to understand if I’m truly the problem or if our relationship has become toxic and full of resentment.

Yesterday on the 4th of July, the guy (23M) I’ve been seeing for about 4 months and I (23F) got into an argument that has left me feeling really confused and hurt. We’ve had disagreements before, but this situation felt different and I’m struggling to understand whether I’m missing something or if our communication styles are just very incompatible.

The day started off great. It was my first time meeting and hanging out with his friends, so I was already feeling a little nervous. On the drive there, he made a comment telling me not to do anything “disrespectful.” I told him I wouldn’t and added that if he knew me well enough, he’d know I would never intentionally do something like that.
Later in the afternoon, I was swimming in the lake with some of his friends’ girlfriends. When I got out of the water, I was about to adjust my bikini top when he looked at me and asked, “What’s wrong with you?” I was confused, and he told me that part of my breast was exposed.

I genuinely had no idea. I was facing him, not his friends, and was literally in the process of adjusting my top when he pointed it out. I immediately fixed it, apologized, and explained that it was an accident.

Instead of ending there, it turned into a much bigger argument. He kept asking what was wrong with me and saying I was being disrespectful. I kept telling him it wasn’t intentional and that I would never purposely do something like that. I ended up crying because I felt awful and embarrassed.

What really confused me was that he wanted me to explain how I would prevent this from ever happening again in the future. Since it was an accident, I didn’t really know how to answer that.

Afterward, his friend took us out on the boat, and while we were there he told me that he loves me and that the situation upset him because he cares about me so much.
Later that night, he told me he doesn’t think I care about him as much as he cares about me. He said my words are nice to hear, but that my actions don’t match them. He feels very attached to me and doesn’t think I feel the same way.

The thing is, I do care about him deeply. I have strong feelings for him, but our communication often feels difficult. After this argument, I felt incredibly defeated. Instead of feeling closer to him, I felt like my confidence and happiness were being chipped away.

I can’t stop thinking that no matter what I say or do, it will never feel like enough for him.

Am I missing something here? Was his reaction reasonable? How would you handle this situation moving forward?

TW: MENTIONED SA

I have had a problem in most if not all of my relationships. (I cant hold friendships because they bore me, just not mentioned in this.)

Now, some backstory before I get into it, I had a pretty rough childhood. I had CPS involved over hoarding and neglect, was bullied physically by boys and had bugs crushed in my hair, physically abused by my parents although we never told CPS this, (got taken over the final straw of a DUI.) My dad has roughed me up a few times by slamming me head down on our subfloor, my mom at worst pulls my hair and drags me and twice has stomped as hard as she could on my ribs after doing this.

They have verbally abused me, telling me im ugly and deserve no bf I have ever had, and when I was 🕳🕳🕳🕳🕳🕳🕳 assaulted by my first bf, they told me that it was my fault, (admittedly though, it was. I could've called out for my oarents who were in the same room asleep, but I didn't because I was scared that they wldnt care or they'd do something to him. Or he'd choke me harder than he was.)

I accidentally killed a kitten in my sleep once when I was like 10 and was really tore up about it, immediately being called a fatass psycho by my parentsvand have held my dying kittens and chickens alone for hours to try to make them feel safe before they die. That's kinda fucked me up. Especially most recently with my kitten that had its neck broke that I held for 10 hours straight whike it was covered in it's own shit, cleaning it.

In addition, I'm straight ugly and weird. One quirk I've had since forever ago was my obsessive daydreaming. I have caught myself pacing back and forth listening to music, and imagining I was someone prettier and cooler, who could stand up to my bullies and such with coolness. One time, after doing it for around 7 hours, I saw myself in the mirror afterwords and started bawling my eyes out. I had forgotten what I looked like and how ugly I was.

That last paragraph is important to mention.

I have a lot of guilt on my mind from a bunch of different things.

Anyways, on point, my bf and I fight often. Alot of the time it's me starting it, but for a dumb reason. I get a guilty pleasure out of the idea of him telling me how he can do better, and why he knows im ugly. I like it when he confirms im not pretty and when he confirms im a weirdo. He's maybe done it all of twice when I tricked him into it however, or caught how he feels.

The reason I like when he does this is because I like imagining I was him, and could tell myself how much of an ugly worm I am, and why I dont deserve to be happy. I get a guilty pleasure of imaging I was other ppl and putting myself in their shoes to imagine I had a better life. Its selfish, I know I'm weird for it, I just want to know why I do this. I think its dumb when I think about it but I cant help myself. I know I'm a problem, and yes, while I like it when I'm told im whatever, of course it makes me sad and harps on me. I dont personally like it, I just deserve it it feels like.

So can someone tell me how to fix it?

I really need advice because I’m too embarrassed to ask anyone I know in real life. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. Since AI has become more mainstream, we both use Chatgpt for different things. As far as I knew, he mostly used it for school, budgeting, general questions, stuff like that.

Recently I lost my wallet, and while I’m waiting for my replacement cards, my Chatgpt Plus subscription payment failed. I needed to upload images, and since my boyfriend has Plus too (and has let me use his account before), I logged into his account thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal.

While I was trying to upload something, I noticed a chat title that caught my attention. In retrospect, know I shouldn’t have opened it but I did.

It turned out to be from after an argument him and I had. He was venting to ChatGPT, which I guess he was using as a therapist. But what I read completely caught off guard.

He said things like, “My girlfriend is ugly and acts entitled, pick one.” He called me a bitch. He said he wished he had a prettier girlfriend who didn’t act like me. He’s never said anything remotely like that to my face. He has always told me I’m beautiful.

As hurt as I already was, I kept reading (I know, I shouldn’t have). I found multiple conversations where he talked about “struggling” with lusting after other women. He described looking at women in a very sexual way and comparing me to them. He told Chatgpt he felt like he could be with someone prettier and better. In one chat, he even talked about seeing a really attractive woman somewhere and wanting to go back to that area just because he had seen her.

I’m leaving out a lot because some of it gets pretty explicit and could identify us, but that’s the general idea. I didn’t find anything that suggested he physically cheated on me, but I feel like I discovered a completely different side of him that I never knew existed.

The hardest part is that while he tells me things like, “You’re beautiful,” and “Your body is perfect,” he’s telling ChatGPT things like, “Why doesn’t my girlfriend have these things?” (referring to a big butt) and comparing me to other women physically.

Part of me feels guilty because these conversations were clearly private, and I wasn’t supposed to read them. I know he was probably treating ChatGPT like a journal or therapist. But another part of me feels like what I read revealed his real thoughts.

Now my self-esteem is at an all-time low. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t know if I can trust his compliments or even look at him the same way. Right now, I honestly want to leave, but I’m also wondering if I’m overreacting. Is this something people think during relationships and just never say out loud? Or are these thoughts and behaviors a serious red flag?

I can’t stop thinking that if I had never stumbled across these chats, this would have continued indefinitely. I keep wondering if someone who thinks this way is eventually going to cheat. Has anyone been through something similar? If you were in my position, what would you do?

My (27f) birthday was a couple months ago. Back in the beginning of the year I had planned for us to go on a trip for my bday. I was willing to cover majority of it. I just wanted to get out of town and make memories with the love of my life. When we would talk about it, it was clear he wasn’t interested in the trip. Didn’t want to talk about it and didn’t want to spend money. Mind you, this was a 3 day trip, a car drive away and something we easily could have done financially. Long story short I ended up cancelling it. Started to feel like him and I were in a weird place and I didn’t want to force anyone on a trip with me they didn’t want to be apart of. Mind you he asked if we could go celebrate his friends birthday in San Diego that next month (both of us paying $300 each). We didn’t do it. On my actual bday he didn’t do anything for me, no dinner, no present, no post (not a big deal but it is to him). I also told him previously I love feeling special on my bday. I do not need ANYTHING grand. I just want to be taken out to dinner tbh and maybe a little gift is nice? It can be thoughtful it doesn’t have to be anything crazy. I thought I wasn’t asking for much. Anyway, needless to say my feelings were very hurt on my birthday. Thankful for my family and his who all wanted to celebrate me and did something kind.

His 28m birthday is coming up and I have no desire to do anything. I just don’t care that much if he feels special or loved. Is that horrible? I’ll say happy birthday and do whatever he wants to do that day but I’m not planning anything, I am not buying him a gift and I will not make any special post. I’ll be honest, I’m doing this bc I was so freaking hurt on my bday and he is similar to me in a way where he wants to feel celebrated and I just couldn’t believe he put 0 effort into doing..anything….

I was hurt about this for a while and we had several conversations about it. He ended up apologizing but what happened already happened! AITAH?

I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years. Overall, our relationship has been really good. We’ve had misunderstandings like any couple, and we’ve broken up twice seriously, but both times we got back together within a month or two.

She’s been a great girlfriend. Early on, there were a few things about her that bothered me, and she genuinely worked on them. She also had things she didn’t like about me, and I worked on those too. In many ways, we’ve grown together and helped each other become better partners.

The problem is that throughout the relationship, I’ve gone through phases where I feel unsure about us and our future. Sometimes I think about leaving, but I usually don’t tell her because the one time I brought it up, it didn’t go well. Since then, whenever the doubts come up, I usually try harder to improve the relationship and be a better boyfriend. When things feel good again and she seems happy, the thoughts fade away for a while.

But they keep coming back.

One thing I feel guilty about is that I still notice and feel attracted to other women sometimes. I’ve never cheated, never tried to cheat, and I don’t want to. I understand that being attracted to people and being in love with someone are different things. But I still feel guilty because my girlfriend is loving, caring, loyal, attentive, and honestly checks so many boxes for what I’d want in a partner.

At the same time, I sometimes wonder whether I’ve settled in some way, especially when it comes to physical attraction or excitement. I hate even admitting that because she hasn’t done anything wrong. She takes care of herself, she’s healthy, fit, and there’s nothing I can point to and say she needs to change. This feels like a “me” issue, not a “her” issue.

I also feel like after three years, we’ve reached a place of comfort, but sometimes I don’t feel excited to talk to her or meet her. Sometimes when she’s talking, I catch myself feeling distant, like I don’t want to be there or I don’t want to spend time together. Then I feel guilty because she’s genuinely a good partner and has done so much for me.

I know long-term relationships aren’t always supposed to feel exciting all the time. Stability, trust, and comfort matter. But I’m struggling to understand whether these doubts are normal relationship doubts, fear of commitment, unrealistic expectations, or a sign that I’m not as invested as I should be.

I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to throw away a good relationship just because I’m chasing excitement or comparing her to other people. But I also don’t want to stay with someone if deep down I’m not fully sure.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you figure out whether the relationship was right for you or whether it was time to leave?

I want to start this off by saying my partner is diagnosed with autism and adhd and yes maybe I should have known better, i’ve grown up being surrounded by people with similar diagnosis that have low frustration tolerance and i’ve absorbed it too. He’s not the only one in the situation that also becomes emotionally volatile when triggered but it’s obviously not healthy.

Anyway, basically he has never actually put his hands on me, however if I respond in a way that is angry or volatile to his obvious lack of coping he USED to have a habit of trying to “hold me”. I told him if he kept doing this I wasn’t going to be held responsible if I felt restraint and like I had to protect myself. Several times over the course of the past 3 years we have had extreme arguments that typically come from minor things, and I wouldn’t really say I felt abused verbally/ emotionally but I will say I don’t really shy away when feeling threatened, I tend to go the opposite way.

We’ve never had a physical alteration, and the arguments have gotten less over time however the pattern that keeps showing up is his lack of frustration tolerance and he takes it out on me. I don’t really understand why certain things that I do stress him out but he seems to have some serious control issues. He has a hard time taking accountability and often makes it seem like i’m just complaining or he guilt trips me by calling himself a horrible partner and that he can’t do anything right (sarcastically).

I have to make a decision soon with my career and I don’t really want to move in with him if it’s going to be like this always. He’s gone to therapy in April and that has seemed to help a bit but i’m also not really around him as much anymore. His family is useless in this regard because they don’t say anything to him.

I have a lot of history with him and we have been there for each other during some really hard times but I don’t really think he can accept the fact that I want to breakup. I’ve been trying to break up with him over the past few months but every time we have the discussion it always points back to couples therapy. We have a lot of things tied together and maybe that’s a component, but I still love him and care about him very much but i’m not happy in this relationship anymore and I don’t really think couples therapy will undo 3 years worth of resentment that’s been built up.

My husband (27M) and I (27F) have been married for 1 year.

Our marriage has been rocky from the beginning. I quit my job to move to another province to be with him, only to later find out he had lied about his income. We struggled financially and even relied on his mom for help. During that time he’d regularly spend 8–12+ hours with his friends, sometimes not coming home until 3 or 4 a.m., while we barely spent quality time together because he had to work a second job.

Over the past year he’s called me a slut, a whore, and a “villager” because I’m from a small conservative town. He’s thrown things, broken mirrors and glass, and often dismisses my concerns by saying “you women.” He’s even told me he treats me this way because I’m “too nice” and need to stand up to him more. To be fair, he has made some effort by bringing me flowers, little gifts, and taking me out occasionally, but the major issues never really change.

Last week I finally reached my breaking point after telling him for what feels like the millionth time that I was hurt by how much time he spends with his friends. I’ve never asked him not to see them. I just want us to have quality time too. I initially did not want to communicate this to him as I knew it would lead to him getting defensive/aggresive, but he insisted.

He accused me of being controlling and said he’d had more fun with his exes and friends than he has ever had with me while laughing in my face. He also said “I’m going to send you back to your ***** village”.

I completely lost my temper and started throwing his clothes at him and told him to leave. While I was throwing his clothes at him, he pulled out his phone, started recording me while laughing, and kept saying, “This is the real you.”

I begged him to stop recording and tried to grab the phone. I accidentally ended up scratching him in the process because I had long false nails on.

I told him I wanted a divorce, and he left for a couple of days. When he came back, he reminded me that his work visa expires in three months and that he still hasn’t received permanent residency through our spousal sponsorship.

He said I needed to decide whether we were staying together so he could know whether to start packing. Part of me wondered if he was looking for reassurance that I’d keep sponsoring him, and part of me wondered if that’s the main reason he’s still here.

We both apologized for how things escalated. I admitted I was wrong for losing my temper. But when I asked him to delete the video and the photos he took of the scratches on his hand, he refused and said I should just trust him.

That’s what’s bothering me the most. If someone genuinely wants to move forward, why insist on keeping a video and photos from one of the worst moments of our marriage? I never once thought to record him during any of his own angry outbursts.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Am I overthinking this, or would you be concerned too? How would you interpret him refusing to delete them?

Hey! I’m looking for advice on how to first best handle the conversation needed, and second, deal with the emotional fallout that will most likely come from this conversation as well. 

I (22F) started dating my bf (22M) 6 months ago. We were friends/acquaintances the first 3 years of college, and it grew into more in the fall semester of our senior year. When we started talking and going out, I had the plan to go to Medical School, so I was going to take a gap year to work and get more clinical hours. I was planning to do this in the city where he and my friends live. We went to a state college, and while I am from a smaller town, most of my friends and my bf live in this city. He already has a good-paying job lined up, has a house and roommate, and he is planning on going to grad school in-state as well. 

My plans, however, changed because I realized I would rather work in nursing rather than being a physician, so I applied to nursing programs and got accepted to my dream school on the East Coast (2400 miles away) for two years. I also got a great scholarship and can’t imagine not taking this opportunity. He has been incredibly supportive throughout this and has told me time and time again that I have to go. 

The issue is he doesn’t want to do long distance (he hasn’t set a strict boundary, but does seem to be leaning this direction). We have talked about it a bit, and he fully believes that he will not be able to do long distance, and he doesn’t want to be a reason I don’t fully immerse myself in my schooling or environment. He also believes that I will move there and find “someone better,” and he doesn’t want to be the person who holds me back from that opportunity. I have expressed that I want to do long distance, but I do also understand that he has basically an entire life planned in his hometown, and I don’t think I will ever move back there, due to the opportunities I want to take advantage of after my nursing program. I also think it's unreasonable to discuss him moving to me in the future, especially since the relationship hasn’t been very long-term, and he has his own life and plans.

I truly love him; he is the first person I have ever loved and really truly opened up and felt fully reciprocated and cherished. He is smart, kind, funny, and I truly don’t want to lose him. He has helped me know, appreciate,  and love myself better than I ever thought I could. There is also no question on if he loves me either, I know he does, and I know he wants us to work, but it is just complicated to come to a resolution when there are no structured plans for either of us. I don’t know if there is any way to fix the disconnect, or if I should just accept the fact that he is my first love, be grateful that I had him in my life and everything he helped me in and through, and let it end before resentment builds up. 

I am going to visit him and my friends in two weeks to say goodbye, and he and I are going to revisit this conversation. We have discussed options, but have not nailed down an actual resolution (I know we should have done it earlier). I don’t know how to express how I’m feeling, address his concerns, and try to see if he would even just consider trying long distance before fully ending things. I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up with me, but he has been burned by his past, and he didn’t really grow up seeing healthy relationships, so he has no real base to stand on. 

My other dilemma is that if it does end, how do I even process that? I haven’t had a relationship end on good terms without animosity. It is easier to get over someone when you have a negative association with the relationship. I also don’t know how I can not mainly blame myself, since my going to school is the reason that it is ending. He has constantly told me that I’m not the reason and that I need to put my goals and schooling first, which I do agree with, but I can’t help but blame the fact that I am choosing to move across the country, which is potentially ending the relationship. 

TL;DR: My boyfriend and I love each other, but I'm moving 2,400 miles away for my dream two-year nursing program. He has been supportive of me going, but is leaning against trying long-distance because he thinks he'll hold me back. We have one final conversation coming up before I leave. How do I approach it, and if it does end, how do I cope with losing someone I still love with no animosity?

So I (22F) just broke up with my ex-boyfriend (23m) two weeks ago. We’d been in a relationship for almost four years but a lot changed. The first two years everything was fine and we were really close. Then I went to international studies.

Just for some background information; we stared the same study so that’s how we know each other. He’s my first boyfriend and everything else but I’m not his. I knew I wanted to do the international studies for as long as I started with uni. Here in the Netherlands the international studies is part of my original studies, a minor, and I would be gone for only 4 months. He knew this since we stared dating.

So since September I was there, and he started a new study which I was really happy about. He’d been wanting to do it but didn’t feel confident so I urged him to go do it. Since that study started he got new friends, including one woman (23f). Since the moment he met her, I heard about it. He couldn’t stop talking about her. I - being probably very naive - didn’t care and was happy he had friends.

In September I got a huge voice memo from him, suddenly about everything he wanted to change in our relationship. The voice memo was 25 minutes… 5 minutes it went about hanging out with friends more, 5 minutes it went about money, and then 15 minutes long it was all about sex. I don’t know why he brought it up when I was gone and couldn’t change anything about it but it made me so incredibly upset. Like- why are you talking about this now? It was all very degrading towards me while I felt like I didn’t do anything wrong.

Time passes and in October he calls me in years, why? Because he thought I cheated on him. I did not. And this accusation came out of nowhere! He even named the person I was cheating with according to him. It was the only guy who was sleeping on our floor. The guy who never came out of his room. But okay? Fine. I got a bit mad but let it go. I know. Very dumb that I did.

Then the second time, three weeks later in November, he accused me of cheating again! This time with a guy I’m pretty close with. But he has a girlfriend first of all, and secondly I was also in a relationship so of course not!

While all this was happening, he kept telling me that he felt like he wasn’t a priority to me etc etc. And at some point I gotta admit I was a bit fed up. These months were supposed to be something fun and I wasn’t having. Fun. Because I was constantly thinking oh I have to message my bf because otherwise he’ll he upset etc etc. I’m not a good texter, I really tried to change that. But I kept sending videos to him through Snapchat. And also while this was happening, he kept talking more and more about his new friend.

Now before I tell you the following thing, you need to know how I look and am. I have blonde and purple hair, blue eyes, tattoos and piercings. I have adhd and love fantasy and whimsical things. And I am bisexual.

It is November again and I just got back from a concert with my friends. My phone died on the way back because I forgot my powerbank. When my phone charged, I got so many messages from him. When he saw I read them, he called me immediately. And guess what, he accused me of cheating, AGAIN! I know his ex cheated on him but I feel like this ain’t an excuse to keep accusing me. The real kicker is that in this conversation, he tells me that he has feelings for someone else. For his new friend. Because he does get attention from her. He told me.
Yknow what’s actually hilarious! This woman has blue eyes, blonde and purple hair, piercings, is also bisexual and loves fantasy and dresses whimsical…

The only difference is that I wear glasses.

In hindsight should’ve been done with this when he accused me for the third time and when he admitted this. I am ashamed to say that k didn’t, it didn’t even cross my mind back then. I did get very mad at him because how dare he?!

So the conversation is never brought up again. I come back and life goes on. There were some instances where we had a fight but for the sake of the length of this post I’ll go on.

It all came to a halt for me when I realized everything he said started annoying me. This realisation didn’t come until May which embarrasses me. I broke up with him two weeks ago, the conversation was fine nothing weird about it.

Then I hear; that he has been talking with HER! That woman he apparently had feeling for and looked so much like me. About starting a relationship. They want to get to know each other and in August they decide what it will be. This was only a few DAYS after we broke up.

WHAT?! This is the woman he told me not to worry about. This is the woman he kept bringing to school with him otherwise she had to cycle.

He promised me that he didn’t have any more feelings for her. I got so- so mad when I heard this.

So now I’m thinking- have I really been this delusional?! Or did I not want to see it?

I think he might have cheated maybe on me but I’m not sure. I’ll be real and I’m a very forgiving and good believing person who maybe I just didn’t want to believe it.

Also we’re in the same friendgroup and nobody really knows about the last part, and I’d hate to be that person to say hey he did this and then he’d loose all his friends- idk how to feel about that

Sorry if this story is all over the place. I have a lot of more information I can share if people want to. But I just needed to vent. If you have any advice for me do let me know. Any advice would be appreciated

Context: me and my girlfriend have been together for 8 months, both our first relationship. recently life for her had gotten really busy with family responsibilities and work. Much more so than my life right now. I am an extrovert and she’s more introverted. When overwhelmed she needs to be alone. Now up until a few weeks ago we would flirt and text a lot. Lots of conversation over text, spicy and not, and we’d call too. Like every night almost. But it’s slowly faded. I try to keep it going by complimenting her, flirting, and being my silly self, but she just says “aww” “yes” “no”
Sometimes it’s more but it’s just not like it used to be.
Am i missing the “That excitement of falling in love and learning about each other?”

TLDR: I know that love is not about texting 24/7 or constant flirting and exciting conversations but about peace and stability and trust.
Real life gets busy and you cannot live in a thrill forever.
It’s just she’s on social media, but hasn’t responded to me reels in a week? The flirting I text doesn’t even get responses. Maybe I’m obsessing over her validation and need to quit being a little kid

I’ve been with my husband for 22 years. We have a great relationship. No problems there.

But my father-in-law has quite an abrasive personality. He likes to tease people a lot / get under people’s skin.

For example, during July 4th, a neighbor brought over potato salad but she was rushed (has a young child) and didn’t have time for it to set up on the fridge. She like most women, said some self-deprecating thing about it not having time for the favors to meld. All the ladies replied something like, “it tastes great, stop worrying about it.” My FIL on the other hand teased her at least four times about it being warm and not melding yet. Talking about it again and again. She eventually said, “I know you are just getting my goat, but it IS better when it has time to set up.” Poor woman.

Now on to me.

Over the last year, I got back into fitness. I now exercise 3-4 times per week & mainly strength train. I have lost quite a bit of weight and you can now see some light muscles. I’m only an intermediate at most and I’m 5’2 and 115 pounds (if that matters).

This isn’t my first time in the gym (previously strength trained for a few years), so I very quickly got decent strength & muscles again. I train both upper and lower.

Another important factor is we are childfree, so we have a lot of free time. Well, I spend 3 hours in the gym on Friday (before work) and 3 hours Sunday. Well this type of long gym session appears to bother my FIL to no end. And if you are going to complain that I’m not cleaning enough, we have a maid that does the first floor of the house because we can afford it.

Every single time we have visited over the last 6 ish months he asks me a million questions about the gym. It’s the same conversation over and over. And I am tired of it.

His biggest focus is I rest 2-4 minutes between sets. Hence the three hours. I explain that it helps you recover & push to true failure which is my goal. Not resting tends to increase endurance more than strength / muscle growth (Cool, if that’s your goal! You do you!) But I want to look like I lift, so building muscles and strength are my goals. I tell him I follow several fitness people that tend to cite studies and other educational content.

The only thing I can think of for his behavior is that he was also big into fitness (always had visible muscles, still does just smaller now). So maybe he thinks he’s an expert or that I’m trying to say he was not doing it properly? I don’t know.

But I NEVER EVER bring it up on my own, he is the one that brings it up and won’t shut up about it. We talked about for over 30 minutes this weekend. Also, I hate people commenting on my weight loss because I have struggled with ED before. So I may be overly sensitive.

So what are some good strategies to get him to stop? I’m at my wits end here.

I don’t want to tell him to fuck off, but I’m getting very close. I also don’t want to piss him off as he holds a grudge forever.

So any nice ways to shut it down are greatly appreciated! Thanks!

Edit to add:

You guys are hilarious! Thanks for all the ideas. Keep them coming!

Second edit:

I do 12 machines (lower upper lower etc) plus 60 hard jumps for bone density since I’m old.