u/Mamysou

I (33F) have been with my partner (32M) for almost 12 years. We love each other and, objectively speaking, we have built a good life together. But lately, I have been struggling with a feeling I can't quite shake, and I would genuinely like to hear from people who may think more like my partner does.

When we got together, neither of us wanted children. We were young, and that genuinely suited both of us at the time.

Our relationship was also much more "new" for him than for me. I had had previous relationships and had even lived with an ex for two years. He had dated before, but I was essentially his first serious, long-term relationship.

After about three years together, he started having serious doubts. Nothing was particularly wrong between us. In fact, he said our relationship was good. But he struggled with the idea that his first truly serious relationship might also be his last. He felt he had missed out on other romantic and sexual experiences.

At one point, he considered leaving me for that reason. He also suggested opening the relationship, which I refused because I knew that was absolutely not for me.

I told him he was free to make his own choices, but I didn't understand why we should destroy something good simply to introduce experiences he imagined he might be missing. At the time, though, those conversations really hurt me. They left me feeling like I wasn't enough, like perhaps he was constantly wondering whether there were other women he would rather experience life with. I was also much more insecure about myself and my appearance back then, so it affected me deeply.

Eventually, things settled down. For several years, our relationship felt peaceful again.

Then, around three or four years ago, something changed for me: I developed a strong desire to have a child.

This scared me because my partner had always been quite clear that he didn't want children, and for a long time, I had felt the same way. When we eventually talked about it openly, he reaffirmed that he didn't want them. Around the same time, he also expressed regrets that we hadn't moved abroad permanently.

We had actually already spent five months living in another country for his studies, and I had found volunteer work so I could go with him. It was a wonderful experience. But unlike him, I don't want to permanently leave my country. My family and closest friends are an extremely important part of my life, and I can't imagine growing old without them nearby.

So suddenly, we were facing two potentially fundamental differences: I had developed a desire to have children, while he still didn't want them; and he still imagined a life abroad, while I didn't.

I was heartbroken, but I told him that perhaps we needed to consider separating. I didn't want either of us to sacrifice something fundamental and eventually resent the other for it.

He seemed genuinely horrified that I was considering ending the relationship. He asked me to give him some time to think. We agreed on a date in the future when we would revisit the conversation.

When that date came, he told me that he had made his decision and wanted to have children with me and build that life together.

I was happy, but also scared. Part of me wondered whether he had truly changed his mind or whether he was simply choosing this because the alternative was losing me. He has told me that the idea of becoming a parent scares him a lot, but his decision has remained the same.

Since then, we bought a house together and moved in a little over a year ago. We are now well settled, and we have agreed to start trying to build our family towards the end of this year.

So objectively, he has chosen me. He chose to stay when he had doubts about missing out on other experiences. He chose a life in our country rather than pursuing the idea of permanently living abroad. He agreed to become a parent, despite having once been convinced that he didn't want children.

And yet, I still struggle with feeling truly chosen.

I think the reason is that throughout our relationship, I have often felt that I have to push for demonstrations of affection or commitment. My partner is a very rational person. He doesn't tend to be swept away by emotion or make spontaneous, romantic gestures. He thinks things through carefully and makes decisions based on what makes the most sense to him.

I know that isn't inherently wrong. In fact, I appreciate many things about his personality. But emotionally, it can leave me feeling strangely uncherished.

For example, I would really like to get married someday. For me, it isn't primarily about having an expensive wedding or following tradition for the sake of it. I care about rituals and symbolic moments. I love the idea of publicly celebrating our commitment to each other with the people we love. I would also like to hear him actively affirm that commitment.

When I brought up marriage, his reaction was essentially that he couldn't justify the expense when we could use the money for so many other things.

And once again, I felt like the romance had been completely removed from the conversation.

This is where I am struggling: I know he has made major life choices that allow us to stay together and build the life I want. But because those choices often seem to come after a lot of rational deliberation, rather than enthusiasm or emotional spontaneity, I still sometimes feel like I am not being actively, joyfully chosen.

Am I being unfair? Can someone genuinely love you deeply and be fully committed to you while simply not experiencing or expressing that commitment with the kind of enthusiasm or romance you expect?

And I would especially love to hear from people who think more like my partner. If you are someone who is very rational about major life decisions, what does love and commitment feel like from your perspective? Have any of you initially been skeptical about marriage but eventually chosen to get married anyway? If so, what changed your mind or made the decision meaningful to you?

I am not looking for people to tell me to leave him, and I don't think he is a bad partner. I genuinely want to understand whether there is something about his way of loving that I am failing to see and whether there is a way for us to bridge the gap between his way of making commitments and my need to actually feel loved, wanted and chosen.