u/ThrowRAferalphoenix

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 6 months. Overall I really care about her and enjoy our relationship, but lately I've been struggling with how little time we actually have together and, more specifically, how she seems to be filling the little free time she does have with things that exclude me.

When we started dating, she made it clear that Friday nights were her family nights. Her family lives in different parts of the country, and every Friday they get online and game together. I completely understood that this was important to her and agreed that Fridays would be her time with them. I did tell her that if she ever felt comfortable including me, I'd love to join occasionally and get to know them better, but I've never tried to push my way into it because I understand that it's something special she has with her family.

Recently, though, she started a new job that has completely changed our schedules. She works Monday through Thursday and has to wake up around 3am, which means she goes to bed around the time I get off work at 6pm. Because of that, we basically can't spend meaningful time together Monday through Thursday anymore. So realistically, our overlapping free time is mostly the weekend.

Then, during her first month at this new job, she was trained by a guy who runs a D&D game every Saturday night from around 6pm-midnight. She decided to join his group.

This one hit me harder than I expected. D&D has actually been one of my hobbies for years. I used to have a regular group, but over time everyone got busy with family, work, etc., and the group fell apart. My girlfriend didn't even really know what D&D was until I introduced her to it and told her about my old group. So when she told me she was joining this Saturday game, I was actually excited and asked if there might be room for me too. She told me no, not necessarily because the group was full, but because she wants to keep her social life and our relationship separate. She said that combining the two would be too "codependent."

And that's where I'm struggling.

I don't think couples need to do everything together. I actually think having separate friends, hobbies, and time apart is healthy. I'm not asking to be attached to her hip or invited to everything she does.

But Monday through Thursday we essentially can't see each other because of our work schedules. Friday night is specifically reserved for her family, which I've always respected. Now Saturday night is becoming another standing commitment that I'm specifically not supposed to be part of.

At that point, it feels less like "we need healthy independent social lives" and more like our relationship is being squeezed into whatever time is left over. The D&D part especially hurts because it's something I genuinely love and would enjoy doing with her. If it were simply her going out with friends or having a hobby that wasn't really my thing, I don't think I'd feel nearly as bothered. Instead, she's discovered something that's already a major interest of mine, joined another person's group, and then told me that including me would make our relationship too codependent.

I don't want to become the boyfriend who demands invitations to everything his girlfriend does. I also don't want to slowly end up in a relationship where I'm effectively allotted one day a week while every other part of her life is intentionally kept separate from me.

I think what I'm trying to figure out is where the line is between respecting your partner's independence and reasonably expecting your lives to actually overlap.

Am I looking at this too much through the lens of feeling excluded? Is it reasonable for her to want this much separation between her relationship and social life? Or is it fair for me to tell her that with our schedules being what they are, I'm starting to feel like our relationship isn't being given enough space in her life?

TL;DR: My girlfriend's new work schedule means we basically can't spend time together Monday-Thursday. Friday nights have always been reserved for gaming with her long-distance family, which I've respected. She has now joined a D&D group every Saturday night but doesn't want me to join because she says she wants to keep her social life separate from our relationship and thinks combining them would be codependent. D&D is already a major hobby of mine, which makes the exclusion sting more. I'm starting to feel like nearly all of her free time is being allocated to parts of her life that specifically don't include me, leaving our relationship with whatever time is left.