Separated One Month and Losing My Mind
My husband and I have been together for 18 years, married for 16, and have two teens. The past few years have been rough for us, and the fighting just kept getting worse. He wasn’t good at confronting the arguments later and would instead pretend like it never happened after days of giving me the silent treatment. Our communication drastically took a hit during that time and I would play along with the silent treatment as well. The fights would get ugly because it usually happened when he was drunk, and would call me manes and accuse me of things I never did. I started to resent him and pulled away a bit because I was tired of the drinking and the unnecessary fights he would start out of the blue. Despite all of this, he says he drinks because I don’t show enough love, so it’s a never ending cycle of us blaming each other. We had been living like roommates this year, as there was little to no affection on his side, which I then followed suit and stopped trying to be affectionate.
One morning in early July he got mad at our son for some reason, and that apparently triggered him enough to want to move out. He moved quickly and signed a year lease an apartment less than two miles away and moved out mid July. He cut off all communication with me and only texted to fight during the first couple weeks. I stayed calm and wouldn’t engage so those texts stopped. He spent the last month furnishing his apartment, and only saw the kids twice for dinner. He refuses to take the kids to an appointment if I can’t, and I feel it’s done as a punishment to me, not realizing he’s hurting the kids.
This time alone makes me miss the good times we had and the future we planned out for us. He is a really loving guy when he’s not drunk and letting his insecurities take over and accuse me of things I never did. I’ve sent him emails letting him know that I am willing to work through this when he is ready, but he doesn’t respond. He said this was a separation, but moved to divorce the first week he was gone, and now it’s back to separation. He gets defensive and blames our issues all on me, while I admit to my issues but confirm this is both of us. Through all of our problems, there never was any cheating on any side, and I can 100% say he is not seeing anyone now either.
I was hoping his solitude would wake him up and make him see that he had a part in this as well, but maybe it’s still too soon to expect that big of a revelation. He has admitted to our son on some mistakes he did (said not to tell me), so I feel there’s a little movement there. I can see that he still cares and thinks of me every day through some things I see him doing behind the scenes, so I’m really confused. Do I wait longer to get us to work towards reconciliation? He said he feels I didn’t give him enough love so I don’t want to stay silent, but I don’t want to push him away by pushing him too much either. I’m at a loss as to what to do, and I’m going crazy here without him.