r/coparenting

Can I put something along the lines of the baby has to stay with the father at his address and cannot stay at another address if not agreed upon by the other parent?

Should I just ask him for the address and whose house it is if he really wants to take her there?

so my babies father was kicked out of my house after telling him for two months he needed to leave due to a corn addiction that was not being treated. I allowed him to come and go in my house even though it was weird for me so he could see his daughter.

Instead of staying locally, he stayed an hour away in hotels and told me he was going to bath houses and hooking up with men off sites and dating girls. He is on all the dating apps which is fine. But I don’t want my daughter around his hook up tendencies and this stems from his corn addiction that I am also very concerned about that with our daughter.

He then called CPS on me, filed a restraining order and then dropped it 2.5 weeks later and even after all that I still allowed him to visit his daughter. I told him he could have her one night and he texted me and told me he wasn’t giving her back so I went over there and he called the cops and the cops released her to me. Since then I have been scared he wouldn’t return her. We are in court now and I he hasn’t had an overnight with her since February and also hasn’t been around her that much since Easter. She has changed so much and eats solids now and is sleep trained. I just started this week allowing him short visits and trying to gain trust back after being difficult since February. He is acting so nice now (I think he knows the court is going to rule in my favor due to it being the best interest of our daughter) he also hasn’t gave me a dime.

The one day I let him take her he sent me a picture of her and him in this house I didn’t recognize, I have saw other pictures of him in this house too and it’s an hour or further away from where we live. He isn’t from here and has no friends so I am so confused on whose house this could be. It also seems like he is never in the area. He doesn’t tell the truth constantly and told me our daughter was sleeping and was heading home from the city but the time stamp on the pictures reflected different.

Idc if he has moved on or it’s a friend or whoever tbh but I feel like with his bad decision and reckless behavior I should be able to know where she’s at and whose she’s around. Every time he has asked me, I have told him the address and whose house and what we were doing which is normally only seeing family and having my best friends come to my house.

Any tips or things to add to my plan or what to do about this?

I need advice on approaching my ex about sleeping arrangements at his partners house.

My ex has been with his partner close to 2 years. Due to different school districts and parenting agreements they live several towns apart. He lives about 20-25 minutes from my house, which is home base for the kids and where they go to school. His partner lives about 20 minutes from him, so 40-45 minutes from my house.

The kids spend a lot of time at his partners house but only spend the night on weekends. My concern is that my kids do not have a dedicated space at his partners house. They both (15f and 11m) sleep in a living room on couches. The kids have been complaining to me, but don’t want to cause issues for their dad so I haven’t said anything yet. But I’d like to bring up my concerns with the lack of privacy and sleeping arrangements.

After 2 years it seems reasonable that a dedicated space and beds could be accommodated/incorporated into his partners house. So I’m curious how others have handled situations like this. Both from my perspective and my exs and what solutions have been effective.

Hello,

While I am not separating or divorcing, I am about to enter my long distance parenting area. After both my husband and I were affected by layoffs, my (former/current) company offered me the possibility to relocate to another country, about one hour flight away. The pay increase was insane and with the possibility of zero income in the horizon, I had to take it. I will be commuting weekly Mon-Thu abroad and Fri-Mon morning with kids. I have work from anywhere days so I will be home more often.

The reason we have decided not to relocate the entire family is that my company is in big tech and layoffs have happened every other year. I don't want to relocate my kids from the fantastic neighborhood they are in and from an area where they have family and friends, just for me to be laid off and then move back.

The plan is for me to do this for 1-2 years, accumulate some cash that will significantly reduce our mortgage (we had upgraded and bought our forever home two months before said layoffs) and allow me to come back home with better economic flexibility to take a paycut (I want to leave big tech, and that means a pay cut).

So, please help me be the best parent I can be while I am doing this. Any and all tips are welcome, how to make myself present while I am not physically there and how to "optimise" my time when I am present.

I (F34) split with my ex (F38) around a month ago. Absolute bolt out of the blue, we went for a family day out on the Saturday and Sunday morning she made me coffee then told me she was unhappy and left.

We were together for 14 years, when I met her she had a son who was 3 and a daughter who was a few weeks old. Neither of them saw or have seen their other bio parent since. I have brought them up like they’re my own because they are, they’re my whole world.

Ex has been living at her parents since she left and the children have been with me every night since, she has seen them maybe 4/5 times since she left. Doesn’t text or call them unless they reach out to her.

This is that out of character I can’t even fathom what I’m saying, she was always so present and so attentive, couldn’t of asked for a better person to parent with for all them years.

2 weeks before she left we had just moved into a new home, so legally we’re both on here for the next 3 years with no break out clause.

Don’t get me wrong, I begged, pleaded and everything else at first for her to come back and was wondering if her mental health had took a hit etc but it just seems like this is who she is now. I began asking her to come back to co parent as I was struggling with being heart broken aswel as keeping the house going. Feeding them, shopping, school runs, pick ups, appointments, clean home, clean clothes, everything seemed like a lot to do with a broken heart.
She refused and said ‘I’m where I need to be’

Anyway fast forward to now and she’s telling me she’s moving back in in a few weeks once our son has done his A Levels. I asked if I could speak to someone about getting her name taken off this house and putting my sister on and then she’d be free to get her own place and she simply says no, that this is her house too. (I don’t think I’d be able to with how tight the contract is but it was worth looking into) not sure why she’d want to be tied here for 3 years.

Anyway, I’m at a point where I don’t actually want her to move back in because I don’t think she’s the same person anymore and really don’t want toxicity around the kids or myself.

Anyone any advice on co living? Would like to hear your thoughts.

Anyone else have a hard time “coparenting” with someone who just seems to like really dislike you and it just bothers you that like this person has seen you pregnant and give birth and in some of the most vulnerable times in your life and you share a child with this person and they just like teach you like worse than they would treat a stranger and it’s just constant icky feeling and it’s tough because I have 50-50 custody and it’s a 223 schedule with my two-year-old who I absolutely adore, but I have to deal with this person like every couple days and while he doesn’t like do anything terrible it’s just that feeling that this person really like hates you and just wouldn’t even really care if you dropped dead is just uncomfortable to deal with all the time I don’t know how to explain it really and sometimes it’s just like a crash of sadness that comes over me when I think about it or after having to do it forever and it’s just like punch in the stomach feeling?

my sons dad cheated on me at 8 months pregnant with his coworker and I caught them red-handed in the act. she knew I was pregnant and didn’t give one crap. she tried to hide it from me and was actively perusing him before I caught them.

fast-forward over a year later, she tried to talk to me through dad’s phone with a phony ass apology that basically insinuated that I was the problem and saying that “we need to talk things out and resolve our conflict.” Yea right… mind you I’ve never come face-to-face with this woman, talked to her, and every time she’d see me through a window she’d run.

She put false restraining orders on me that I got set aside. For awhile, the police are always in my phone because of “incidents” that they scapegoat me for that I’ve always proved with evidence of no involvement on my behalf. CPS actually got involved with her because she was supposedly drinking and driving with him in the truck and the video didn’t show her in the front seat (even though it clearly was) so it also got tossed out.

it’s been a year and 8 months, they’re on and off and I still honestly hate her and never want to see her and I’m worried I’m gonna cross paths with her for my sons surgery tomorrow and it just makes me sick. She literally destroyed my pregnancy and blew it to smithereens.

She won’t stop using his social media and making burners to watch my snap, my Facebook, sending her friends, etc.

I’ve also told my baby daddy some things about my relationship because I was so lost and hurt and needed him to take my son during a time with my own partner and now he holds it against me and I feel so stuck. I genuinely thought I could trust him. I just feel so stupid. Part of me misses him but I can never trust him or look at him the same.

I don’t know anymore. I just can’t stand the grimy female dog and wish she’d fuck off for good. He’s only mean when she’s around. I really want this conflict to stop and at one point it almost did but I just got angry at him for remembering everything he’s done and we went right back to square one.

I’m looking to hear from other coparents who have coparented a child under 1 year old.

Currently trying to get a custody agreement done and we have a 2.5yo and 5mo. The 2yo is easy with figuring out a custody arrangement, but the 5mo is where it’s more difficult due to her age and needs.

Baby is not in daycare and is currently in my care full time. Not breastfeeding so that’s not an issue.

What sort of custody arrangement worked well for you and your infant? Are there certain things you would suggest avoiding?

As the title says, I’ve fallen out of love with the father of my child. Our story is admittedly one that makes this development not a super big shock. When we first met I was 26 and knew I wanted a baby before I was 30. He was 32 and was also at a time in his life where he really wanted to become a dad. I moved my life 3 hours away to live with him and by the second year of our relationship, I was pregnant. We now have a 2 year old who is the absolute light of both of our lives. He is an amazing dad and I’m so happy that he’s the dad to MY kid! That said.. I have zero desire to be romantic or intimate with him anymore. I feel a lot of resentment toward him for various reasons that don’t directly involve our daughter and that I don’t feel are important information for this post because I feel pretty resolved in this realization and don’t think I want to work it out. I’m really sad about it, but I simply am not in love with him anymore and am worried that the longer I wait to tell him, the more resentment will build, and the more it will negatively effect our daughter. Also.. he is a major lover boy and he wants to be madly in love and I want him to have that!

SO.. my questions for all you co parents out there.. how did you tell your co parent you didn’t want to be together anymore? I know he is going to be crushed by this and I want to be as respectful and thoughtful as possible because I do objectively love this man. My hope is that we can be the type of co parents who still spend a lot of time together as a family. I just.… need my own space. Any advice is welcome.

My ex-wife and I are officially divorced and currently dealing with ongoing court issues. Divorce was due to infidelity on her side. Divorce was cordial, but ex started making things difficult and controlling (telling me what i can do on my custodial days, relaying adult convos to my young kids, saying negative things about my GF and things that I do on my custodial days to my kids to control my time with them. She recently served me while I was with my kids at there practice by one of the other students moms. In these documents, she is accusing me of things that I have text proof and documentation that is false. Obviously, the co-parenting situation is not well right now.

My custodial days are Sun, M,T,W. On my ex’s custodial day Thursdays, my mom has usually been the one picking up my daughter from school to help out. My mom has done this for the most part. But due to recent events, and accusations, my mom and I had a conversation and feel its best to create space and no longer put her in that position.

Because of all of this, my mom and I would stop doing Thursday pickups on my ex’s custody day. I let my ex know my mom is no longer available. My thinking is:

• it’s her custodial time,
• transportation arrangements during her parenting time are ultimately her responsibility,
• and if she needs help, she can communicate directly with me as the children’s father.
• Until legal issues are resolved, it reduces unnecessary conflict and communication

My kids’ safety and wellbeing are still my top priority, and I would never put them in a bad situation. But I also feel like boundaries after divorce are healthy and necessary, and each parent should start handling their own responsibilities independently.

What’s frustrating is my brother is now questioning me and acting like we're wrong. From my perspective, these are my children, this is a parenting/logistics decision between me and my ex, and I don’t understand why extended family thinks they should have input. They've also fully kept her in there life after I've asked for a little space with the recent lawsuit and allegations.

Am I being unreasonable here, or is it fair to step back and create more separation/boundaries after divorce?

I am currently going through the motions of a separation with my partner. We have a baby under 1 years old. I left because of my mental and emotional safety as well as the safety of my son due to my partner using narcotics in the house. I didn't know it it when I was in it but I learned after the fact that what I experienced was considered a lot of verbal abuse due to constant gaslighting and manipulation with lies.

In light, in light of this, I don't want to block my partner from having access to his son, but I want to make sure our son is safe when there are visitations.

I've been doing a lot of research and read that drug tests are necessary, I just don't really know what the best approach is to get it done. Would at home kits work just as well? I tried searching for clinics in my city but I couldn't find anything, so maybe I'm not googling the right terminology? And finding a lot of clinics that can test someone's drugs which is the opposite of what I want.

I also am not sure how to go about parenting time that is appropriate for our baby's age but also ensuring it's done in a safe way. I guess this kind of goes back to the drug test inquiry. It looks like I have an opportunity list the days and time allotments of the visitation and I just wanted to make sure I'm going about it in the best way possible from the start.

Hi,

Me and my ex are 3 years into coparenting and the relationship has its ups and downs - unfortunately more downs at present and the relationship has completely broken down.

There is no respect from my ex.

I am the primary carer - 65-35, yet my ex expects me to cover the additional costs, school dinners, extracurricular activities. In return, she will contribute towards 50% of schools trips.

She constantly makes comments such as “she’s your daughter”, will make last minute changes to her planned time.

It’s clear she doesn’t want involvement, my life woild be easier if she had no involvement, she’s just unwilling to admit that.

She doesn’t have our child’s best interests at heart on any decision she makes.

Should I be surprised that I don’t get a thanks in return?

No, but it doesn’t stop me getting wound up.

I want to be over it.

I have a 2 year old son and a 3 year old daughter. I’ve been a SAHM the majority of their lives. We have court coming up in a couple of weeks. I’ve been trying so hard to get their dad to come up with a coparenting plan with me, so WE decide what is best for OUR children, and not a judge. But honestly? We can not fucking communicate calmly with each other if our lives depended on it. our marriage was dogshit but im not going to try and go into much detail on that because honestly who cares? I just care about making sure the kids worlds aren’t completely tossed upside down and I’d just really love if you currently have things in place for such young aged children, can you give suggestions?

My spouse (separated, not divorced) have a 50/50 schedule with our kids, both under 10. We try to be flexible because we both have activities we like to do that take time and we still care about each other and doing things as a family. Normally we will arrange things in advance, like if they have to go out of town for something on their weekend, we might try to switch or I'll just take them for the extra time. There is one day a week that I always end up taking them for a few hours because my spouse has an activity every week on that day. Well this past weekend, they asked if I could keep the kids on Sunday for the whole night, which it didn't occur to me until later that I didn't know why, because they were free long before bedtime. Then I realized they wanted me to keep the kids so they could go on a date with their new "friend." When they asked if I wanted to watch them all night, I said well I can watch them and take them back to your place or they can stay with me. And then my spouse asked what the kids want to do. They said they wanted to stay with me, and while I don't know FOR SURE, all signs point to them having a date night instead of spending their night with our kids.

This rubs me the wrong way, partially I can admit it's the jealousy of it, and not wanting to be their babysitter while they go out with someone else. But it also doesn't feel right to leave that decision up to the kids. My son already told me that he worries that whatever decision he makes will hurt someone's feelings, and that's not a burden he should bear. It also just makes me really sad that my spouse doesn't seem to want to spend as much time with the kids now that we've separated. There was a point in time where he was saying he wanted more time with them than I have, and now it feels like he'll give up time whenever just to have free time to date or do his activities. I can't change it, but I still feel like it's important for them to spend quality time with both parents and it's my personal opinion that it's icky to schedule dates when you are supposed to have custody of the kids.

I spoke to my therapist about this, and they said they thought that swapping nights is ok with plenty of notice or if there's an emergency or something, but that the schedule should be adhered to as much as possible and it should not be up to the kids to make the decision day-of, because she said when they're older they'll think they can make the decision and they'll think they get to stay with whoever they want (likely me). And I don't want their relationship with their dad to be anymore strained than I know it's going to be.

Would you recommend keeping it more strict? I feel so guilty when my kids do say they want to stay with me on nights with the other parent and I say no, it just feels wrong not to let them be with me whenever they want. But if I'm separated, I know that I don't get that anymore. Do you think I'm overthinking it or are we doing more harm this way?

I’m heading towards an inevitable divorce that is going to either end with 50-50 custody or with me having primary physical custody (which still means up to 90 overnights). I’m wondering if anybody has a situation where, even though this is the case, they have worked out with their partner that they are still able to see their child, the majority of the time. For example, even on nights where our son is with his father… With his father, be willing to let me come over and be there until bedtime? Or arrive in the morning to spend breakfast together until he goes to daycare/school? I cannot bear the idea of missing 50% of my son‘s life. I’m wondering if anybody has been able to make an arrangement where you were still seeing your child the majority of the time. What does this look like and how did you manage it? How has it changed overtime? (Our son is 8 months old right now.)

Nothing dramatic — just coordinating our son's birthday plans without it turning into a fight. I honestly didn't think we were capable of it anymore. If you're in the trenches right now, hang in there. It can shift.

I don't know what to do. Ex initiated break up 3 months ago.

He doesn't want to live near us (minimum if an hour away) as he doesn't want to be an 'on call dad"

Bit of background

- we have two kids aged 18 months and 5 years

- out 5 year old is autistic and needs help with a lot of daily activities e.g. eating and getting dressed. She is physically capable but heavily demand avoidant. She gets very anxious when she doesn't have autonomy. E.g. her dad had a plan to take her to the zoo (her favourite place) but she wouldn't go because it felt too pressured and because I wasn't also going.

- 5 year old going through school avoidance and I'm getting lots of assessments for her as she's just not coping. I see a difficult future ahead.

- taking both kids out together as one adult is very difficult due to safety concerns - 5 year old has run off in car parks a number of times with her dad. I am hypervigilant but he has untreated ADHD and is not on the lookout for this as much as me

- He is also saying he wants to only visit in my house

- He is staying he still wants to be involved and will stay over in a hotel several days a week nearby) and be around on weekends.

- I will be the resident parent doing all nights (both kids wake a lot in the night) and getting ready for school (which is a nightmare and my daughter needs one on one focus to get her dressed and out the door, handle all the emotions etc).

- when I ask how he thinks our oldest one to one needs will be met he just says "well they won't will they"

I'm worried sick and feel so helpless for my kids

ETA: we enjoy our convenience foods as much as the next guy, but 4/6 times we are eating home cooked meals with a variety of ingredients, including vegetables. Treats and sweets are occasional things which I prefer to not have in the house. Likes all fruits, most raw vegetables, some cooked vegetables, most meat dishes as I make stews, curries, spaghetti sauces, roast meat regularly, of course all the carbs are a hit. I probably should have put this in my original post. I’m wondering if some of the replies are based on a different perception about what’s being eaten.

Hello, I would love to hear other people’s experiences and suggestions, thank you!!
This has been an issue for years. 9 yr old child is fussy but not that fussy, and Dad is very upset by it and forces them to eat foods they don’t like and often forces them to finish food when they are full but that’s less of the issue. I think his reason is that he makes certain foods and our other child will eat it so he expects both of them to eat it.

Our child has been super upset about this for years and I’ve tried sending him polite, constructive emails a few times and there’s either no response or very rude responses saying I just feed them lots of junk food (not true at all), and his biggest argument is that I’m brainwashing our child to dislike certain foods (this makes zero sense). My last email I told him that we had been discussing this with our child’s counsellor and we are wanting to see changes and he didn’t reply then told our child that me and our counsellor were brainwashing our child. I’ve followed the counsellors suggestion to send a lot of food suggestions and to compliment him on making nice meals and I’ve told him specific foods he makes that our child likes.

All we want is for him to stop this behavior. He says our child will get no screen time unless eats certain disliked foods. (And screen time is a big part of their life when he has the kids. He’s burnt out from a physical labour hard job and our other child is on screens so it’s not like they’ll just do something else. I’m not complaining about that issue, just giving context). Our child is 9 years old, this is not ok!! I’ve asked him when he’s going to stop and he never replies to that question. Is he going to be forcing a teenager to eat foods they don’t like? Is that a thing? It feels so wrong!! All of our communication on this is via email, it’s documented for years of me writing to him on this. (I don’t badger him, it’s maybe once every few months for a couple years). He also asks our child what’s wrong with them and when they’re gonna get over this phase and is just quite insulting about it all.

Short version: Dad tells child they won’t get screens unless they eat foods he makes that they don’t like.

​

My ex and I are divorced and coparent our kids separately. We have very different parenting styles and communication is difficult.

Recently, while my son was with me for summer break, he asked to dye his hair blue. It was temporary, age-appropriate, and something he was excited about. I allowed it because I don’t see harmless self-expression like hair color as a problem, especially during summer.

When he went back to his dad’s house, his dad told him “boys don’t dye their hair,” told the kids I should have asked his permission first, and then shaved my son’s head against his protests. My kids both later called me crying and upset about it.

One ongoing issue in our coparenting relationship is that my ex tends to believe his household rules should apply in my home as well, while not extending the same consideration in reverse. He also punishes the kids at his house for things they do while they are with me, even when those things were allowed in my home. He does not communicate these expectations or “rules” with me ahead of time, so I’m often only finding out after the fact when he’s angry about something. I genuinely believe that if my son had known his head would be shaved as a consequence, he never would have agreed to dye his hair in the first place.

There is also a layer of inconsistency in their dad's household that really bothers my kids. They have step-siblings there, and the rules are different for them. The step-siblings are allowed to dye their hair and do things my kids are not allowed to do. They are all pretty close in age, so it's definitely not an age thing. When my kids question this, their dad says it’s because “they aren’t his kids.” But from my kids’ perspective, it becomes confusing because their stepmom is still involved in disciplining them and enforcing rules for them in the household and is more lenient on her own kids. They don’t understand why different standards apply depending on whose biological child someone is, and honestly I can understand why that feels unfair and emotionally difficult for them.

Another issue is that he frequently frames disagreements as me being a “bad parent” if I don’t do things his way. In this situation, he blamed me entirely for what happened, saying that if I had contacted him first none of this would have occurred. But ultimately shaving our son’s head was still his decision. I’m struggling with feeling like anger toward me is sometimes being redirected onto the kids instead of handled between adults.

I tried to address it calmly and explain that:

1. we are separate households and one parent cannot control every decision made in the other parent’s home

2. kids should be allowed some safe autonomy over things like hairstyles and self-expression, overly rigid control over harmless things can damage trust and create resentment as kids get older

3. if appearance matters for upcoming events (family photos, etc.), communication ahead of time would help

His response was basically that my son “knows he can’t dye his hair,” that it would have been “bad parenting” not to follow through with consequences, and that respecting parents should be the priority. I have no problem with the kids respecting me, listening, and doing what is expected of them when they are with me.

At this point, I honestly don’t even know whether I should respond further because I don’t want to create more conflict, and realistically I don’t think anything I say is going to change his perspective. But I am genuinely worried about the kids’ mental and emotional wellbeing. They have both expressed strong negative feelings toward their dad over situations like this. My daughter even told me that when he shaved her brother’s head, she wanted to say, “That’s just going to make him hate you even more,” but she stayed quiet because she tends to keep the peace. She was also very hurt watching what happened to her brother.

I feel stuck between trying to avoid conflict and trying to protect my kids emotionally. Even bringing it up to him was difficult but the kids explicitly asked me to say something to him about it because they didn't agree with how the situation was handled.

For parents who have dealt with high-conflict coparenting, I would really appreciate guidance:

- How do you handle situations where one parent expects their household rules to override the other parent’s home?

- Is it normal or appropriate to punish children for things they did at the other parent’s house that were allowed there? (I think no, but I'm wondering other's opinions)

- How do you support your kids emotionally without speaking ill of the other parent? I don't badmouth him, but I do tell them when I don't agree with his actions and offer apologies for what they're going through. They always know they can come to me or call me whenever they need to.

- Am I wrong for thinking a forced head shave over temporary hair dye was excessive?

- How do you handle explaining obvious differences in rules between biological children and stepchildren in the same household? There are no step siblings at my home, so it's not something I know much about.

- Is there a point where you stop responding entirely and just focus on supporting the kids?

TLDR: How do I co-parent with someone who isn't parenting, and deliberately undermines my parenting?

I'm fairly certain I've not posted here before, but I'm at my wit's end.

Where to begin? My son is fourteen, his mother and I separated in 2015, about a year after I returned from deployment. For around six months after, I didn't get to see my son-the only time his mother spoke to me was to demand funding. We went to court the following spring, at which point there was a formal visitation arrangement. Even then, she withheld visitation. Back to court in 2019, and we've had joint custody since. Legal costs ran almost a year of my salary out, but I still made sure all his needs were met. Getting access to anything was a constant fight, as she had informed the school and his doctor I had no say, no authority (despite the fact that I paid for his insurance.) Up until around 2018, she and my son live with her father and step-mother, and my son was beyond spoiled, to the point of infantilization. He was still having issues cleaning himself in first grade, couldn't tie his shoes until third. He was in school during COVID, and at the time was failing due to no one tracking his schoolwork. Even with the joint custody agreement, she has and continues to make unilateral decisions about everything. Fast forward a bit, and he's now getting ready to start high school. He's been failing classes majority of the year, and the drops in performance line up one to one with his time with his mother. Granted, most of that time is at his maternal grandparents', wherein there are no expectations, no accountability, no structure. He has openly told me he prefers spending time there because nothing is expected of him, and he gets to do whatever he likes. I found out tonight that she's having him work a "summer job" under the table with her latest boyfriend-someone I've not even met.

I have no idea what to do-I've no role model for this, as I had a neglectful addict father and a violent abusive step-father. I'm likely not as stern with him as I should be, but everytime I put my foot down, he calls his mom, she picks him up, and it all gets reset.

My bf and I live together and his ex wife lives about 30 min away. We switch off their 9yo son every week

The three of us are in a text group and I try not to comment too much - I know I’m mostly there as an “fyi” so that my bf doesn’t have to remember to share any kid details w me from bm. It works well actually…well it did.

We are dealing with some big stuff. Maybe beginning of puberty. But def a lot of emotional stuff for his son. So there’s more communication happening on our text thread

Well…my bf is not being great about it. He’s jumping to conclusions and not being very responsive. Last night he went to sleep without responding to something. I was laying in bed next to him and recognizing his ex wife is probably also awake and stressing bc she’s waiting to hear from him.

So I texted her and she and I talked things out. We both felt calmer about the whole thing after. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened. But it’s not.

She and I have had a few such text exchanges in recent months and one or two phone calls as well. It feels like we can help everyone if we do this.

But the problem is, it’s not right for my relationship. If the roles were reversed I would feel so betrayed. And I would feel disrespected.

So I plan to tell her (and I’m sure she will agree) that going forward our texts need to include my bf/her ex on them unless it’s logistics stuff like a pickup or drop off. And I plan to tell her that I’ll try and help bf/ex do the right thing communication wise…but I hope she knows that just bc I don’t say anything to her doesn’t mean I agree with everything he says and how he handles it.

Does this all seem like a good plan and a good way to un-fuck myself from this situation?