r/coparenting

What is the standard amount of hours for visitation with non custodial parent for a 4 month old???
I’m in Indiana.

Long story but I (30s F) split from my ex wife (also 30s F) last year after she had an emotional affair -- that I'm pretty sure was also physical, though she never admitted to it -- with a mutual friend of ours, Cora. When we split up, I asked if the affair was over with Cora and my ex wouldn't tell me one way or the other. She said it wasn't any of my business.

Cora is still with her wife, who knew about the affair and accepted it, and my ex is always with them now -- so much so that I've wondered if they're a throuple or something, as it's hard to imagine how or why the wife would put up with it if not. I'm currently on holiday with our kids in my home country, and every single time my ex has called she's been at their house, with their kids sitting in her lap. Recently my sons (6) told me that Cora's daughter (5) has told them multiple times that they're all going to live together, they'll be her brothers, and they'll never see me again. When I mentioned this to my ex (in a very non-accusatory way) she said not to read into it but didn't deny anything either. During the affair she actually talked about us all living together like some sort of commune, so it's plausible that they're actually planning this.

I can genuinely say that I don't care if my ex is still sleeping with Cora, her wife, or anyone else -- the three of them treated me like absolute trash and as far as I'm concerned they deserve each other -- but I do want transparency about whether or not they're still romantically involved if these people are planning on living with my sons for 50% of the time. Even if that's not on the cards, the dynamic is unusual, it's obviously confusing for the kids, and the possibility of conflict seems high.

I know if I ask I'll likely be told it's none of my business. Do you think that's true, or am I within my rights to ask for transparency given my kids are involved in and affected by this?

Hello, I am a single mother of a 4 month old baby boy. Part time CNA and a Sophomore in college for Respiratory Therapy. Me and dad are having issues with co parenting timings. He is suppose to get baby Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays. At first he would ask to get the baby the night before and it was never consistent days, but we are in the process of having a consistent and set schedule. I start school August 24 and my school schedule will be 8 am- 3 pm. Yesterday I picked up a shift at work from 7 am- 3pm and asked if the baby was able to stay with him until I got off of work. He said yes and told me I would have to drop him off to his mother because he works until 8 am. Well I suggested that since I am going to school full time now we should just do the schedule as 7 am-3pm so he can have the baby longer. At first he said he was going to get him around 3 pm after I get out of school but I told him if he does that with it about to be getting cold outside and what not he would only have him for a couple of hours. When I presented that time he told me that he would want to keep the baby until 5 pm because he works 3rds and has to go to sleep after work and he isn’t going to get enough time with the baby because he’s going to be sleep and his mother will be watching him while he’s asleep, and I just don’t agree with that when I have to work plus go to school and come home and take care of my baby, I don’t ask my mom for help to watch the baby while I’m sleeping so why should I have accommodate for him to sleep in when I don’t even get the opportunity or choice to sleep in and stop parenting? I told him to sleep when the baby sleeps. My has a set bedtime and awake time. He goes to sleep around 9:30, 10:00 pm and wakes up at 9:30:10:00 which gives him 2 hours of sleep before baby gets up and care starts for him. He also goes to work at 11 pm so even after baby leaves he would have enough time to go to sleep. So I told him it’s either we 7 am-3 pm or 3pm-6:30-7 pm if he wants to sleep in. Now he’s determined to do the 7 am-5pm and told me if I drop him off he was going to keep him until 5 pm, which I didn’t agree to. So I told him until we get the times in order he won’t be able to come. Because I do not want him to keep baby to a certain time we did not agree with. Not to mention we live 21-25 minutes away from each other, my school is only 5-10 minutes away from his house. So me or him don’t have to drive a far distance. If I am at school I can just easily pick him up while I’m out by his house and me or him have to drive long distance to each other for pick up and drop off. What do you guys think, I need advice on what times would be best and how to come to a agreement. We need to get something right for what’s best for the baby and not for ourselves.
SUMMARY: I DON’T THINK IT’S A NEED TO ADD AN EXTRA 2 HOURS JUST FOR SLEEP. 8 HOURS IS MORE THAN ENOUGH. PLUS I AM BEING ACCOMMODATING SO WE BOTH DON’T HAVE TO DRIVE 21-25 MINUTES AWAY. BECAUSE FOR ONE, HE DOESN’T HAVE A CAR. HE WOULD HAVE TO USE HIS MOM’S TO DROP HIM OFF. AND IF MOM ISN’T HOME, I WOULD HAVE TO TAKE THE DRIVE TO GET HIM. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT LOL. SECONDLY, I GAVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM: IF HE WANTS TO SLEEP IN, WE CAN KEEP 3 PM-7 PM LIKE IT WAS ORIGINALLY AGREED UPON.
QUESTION: WHAT TIME DO YOU THINK IS BEST FOR BABY

My (43F) ex (44F) moved out 10 months ago and took a smart TV that was still connected to my Alexa account. I recently discovered that every announcement made in my home had also been playing on her TV for months.

My kids confirmed it. When my oldest tried to record proof, my ex took her phone and told the kids not to tell me.

This isn’t an isolated incident. During our separation, she inappropriately accessed my work cellphone to read messages between my family and me, created fake accounts to gain access support discord servers and has even snuck into our oldest child’s room at night to read messages between us (waking her up and clearing notifications)

I contacted Amazon and removed the TV, which also removed me from our shared Prime account and purchased content. Since our agreement was that she’d share Prime while I kept her in my Apple Family, I removed her from that too.

Now she’s screaming in the court app that I’m making the kids unsafe cause she can’t track them thru Apple family and that I’ve upset the kids cause they can’t access her music library. (The kids remain on the family)

I feel like we need completely separate digital accounts. Did I overreact?

School orientation was today. I briefly passed my child's father and his girlfriend while they were leaving the school and I was headed in. I didn't feel well to begin with, so I wasn't trying to stop and communicate. He belittles me everytime we communicate over text anyways, there is no reason for me to talk to him in person- I just walked past them like an adult who is fed up eith being bullied. I was holding my son's hand, and my son waved, but didnt care to stop and talk. I didn't tell him not to talk to his father, but I didnt encourage him to do so either.

No sooner than 30 minutes after my ex left the school, I received this text from child's father (copied and pasted, identifying information removed);

"Highly inappropriate of you to tell (child) not to talk to his dad or brother at the school. You talk about co parenting but clearly you are too immature to do so yourself. On top of that again (child) is missing papers to be in a class. You need to make sure it is all is paperwork is turned in! Step it up for (child) sake. You’ve had more than enough time to get his stuff turned in. Don’t let him miss another year because you can’t be responsible. That is all no need for any comment from you."

Again, I did not tell child not to talk to his dad. When I talked about "coparenting", I was asking childs father to stop bullying and harassing me. Child was never missing any papers to be in school, the secretary only needed to check the spam folder within her email. I have had enough of him telling me to "step it up" and "do better" while I am doing everything right. The only time child has ever missed "a year" of school was when I enrolled child in preschool and child's father refused to take him during his parenting time with claims that the daycare he had child in was sufficient.

And am I not allowed to stand up for myself when wildly innacurate comments are made?

Honestly not even sure where to start. The biggest thing I'd like advice/perspective on is communication between kiddo and the two houses. We got her a kids watch and she loves it. We have serious safety concerns and are addressing a lot of that within the legal system. However, the other house won't charge the watch or give it to the kiddo even when they request it. Yet while the kiddo is in our care, they call daily/text. Would just like to be able to know they can call when they need to again because of serious safety concerns and numerous other reasons at this point.

My question is, is there a better way to make sure the kiddo can communicate with us when not with us if they need to? What's worked for you? Tell me all of the things please!

Hello ,
Long story short me and my coparent have not been together for a couple years but have a son

We discussed that we can try very recently to try again and see if we can work out stuff

I recently quit a position i made and got a lower paying job but within 2 months got a promotion. Its a retail job but im excited for the promotion not only to get back to the pay i was at before but to have money for both of us

She is in cosmetology school and isnt working so ive been trying to support her with her bills as well

I just told her about my promotion which i was excited about and she just dismissed it
It upset me so i didnt bring it up
And later in the conversation i brought it up again and

shes like “there is no reason to be excited about a promotion in retail , its not a sustainable job , you should go to school like me .”

I did not speak the rest of the time we had together and she left mad at me for not talking and be upset about it

This isnt the first time her demeanor is very bad towards me

Not sure if this is the right place to ask. I am taking my daughter to Europe next summer. she’s 14 and we have joint custody. my ex and I went and applied for a passport at the post office, I paid fees and they said we should have it in 6 to 8 weeks. is this all I need to travel with her internationally? we have the same last name. I don’t need anything notarized from him do I? we are flying to Europe and taking a cruise when we get there.

I’m attempting to co parent while living together. This is not my choice, but my child’s father is pretty much refusing to move. For financial reasons I can’t move now and probably won’t be able to for at least a few years. My child’s father can afford to move but simply refuses. His main reason being, he doesn’t want to live separately from his child. I don’t have a “real” reason to force him out. He works, pays half the bills and is a decent human. And since I’m a decent human I’m trying to see his side of things and co exist. Although tbh I’m miserable. I thought I was hiding it, but it came to my attention recently my kid is very aware. So the only option I can see right now is to figure out how to be happy. Any advice would be appreciated.

Hi yall! Recently just ended my very bad abusive and toxic relationship about 3 weeks ago. I held on for SO long, through his lies and cheating and addiction. He got clean, we had our baby, but I was still so hurt from the past so we were never happy. He left us. I was devastated. Now he wants us back but now I’m not sure. I’m so scared to co parent. I have 3 kids from a previous relationship but their father is not in the picture so I’ve never had to “share” my babies. Now I am expected to share my 4th, she’s 1. All the what ifs are making me almost just say ok come home to him. But the thought of a happy relationship and not stepping on egg shells makes me so happy. Please tell me it gets better? How do I forget about this family I thought I was going to finally have? How do I break the trauma bond and be okay with co parenting? I don’t trust him with our daughter but I know I’m going to have to get over that. I just don’t even know where to start.

My babydaddy keeps asking me to write on paper to agree to one week on and one week off 50/50 custody. Hes saying doctors and statistics are saying subside rates are lower and its all around better this way. Our son is 7 years old, ADHD and has anxiety. I personally dont believe it would be good mentally for our son because of these reasons and there's just no stability in this. Baby daddy has him every other weekend and I also tell him he can get our son whenever he would like. We live an hour seperate from each other as well so school would be a hassle. I just wanted some opinions.

Hey everyone,

Post-breakup single dad here needing some straight-talking advice or perspective from anyone who’s been through the early toddler co-parenting trenches.

My ex (32F) and I (37m) recently split up after 2.5 years (her decision). We hadn’t been getting along for a while and clearly aren't aligned. I work a high-stress, verywell-paid job as a Exec VP. There were faults on both sides, I felt resentful that I was expected to pay for everything when she did nothing but critice me working, we litteraly had a life that most would envy, money wasnt really ever an issue but it would annoy me that i would rarely get a thank you and she would on one hand moan about me working so much and on the other just took it for granted that i paid for everying.

I became emotionally distant due to work stress, burnout, and grieving the loss of a close family member. I sacrificed a lot for the family unit, gave up football, stopped seeing friends,and felt like nothing was ever enough. it didnt matter what i did.

She on the other hand was recentful that she was solo parenting for the first year whilst i was at work. the lack of flowers i bought her (only twice this year) and lack of flirting in our relationship.

I have a lot to work on in regards to how i handle conflict, she would shout whilst i would just get frustrated and shut down. I'm working with a therapist on this now - its definitely a flaw i need to address.

She isn't a monster and she's an amazing mum, and I know she loved me once, but she lost feelings. I catch myself taking 100% of the blame for being distant and wishing I could turn back the clock. She actually broke up with me twice earlier this year, the first time was right when I was in peak grief having lost a close family member and broke down about how much I was struggling. We had a minor argument the next day and she walked, only to take me back a week later. She officially ended things for good at the end of May after i thought we were on a good track. we had done couples councilling which i thought was going well. She was even pushing for another kid.

We co-lived for two months afterward,This is where thing proper went to Sh!t, we had 2 major arguments where i said some awful things to her all triggered by her making arrangment to take my son on 3-4 trips out of town without asking me. This was totally out of character for me.. i've always been a logical calm one in the relationship where as she can be quite firey! although we were still able to have nightly BBQ's and dinner together right up to the point she moved.

She moved out 2 weeks ago and now lives 1 mile away in a small top floor flat/apartment in a not so nice area. whilst i still live in my house which is a detached property with 2 acres of land.

We share a 17-month-old son and are building toward a 50/50 setup (currently I have him 2 nights a week plus another evening for dinner). I’m in therapy and trying to build a bigger, healthier life, but the emotional whiplash is crushing me.

On the surface, co-parenting is ok. We comunicate well, do joint appointments, and handle logistics smoothly. But every time I see her looking great or we share a peaceful moment, it completely short-circuits my brain. Seeing her dressed up when she drops off our son kills me, she’s very attractive, and a big part of me still only wants her.

The "quiet hope" is brutal, especially in the mornings. I constantly catch myself wishing she’d just "pick me" again so we could fix our family, even though I logically know our old dynamic wasn't healthy.

I love my son so much, he's everything to me. But i also miss the family unit so much.

A few specific questions for those who've been here:

• 1. How do you stop reading into the "good" co-parenting moments? How do you kill that quiet hope when you see them multiple times a week and still find them super attractive and miss them?
• 2. How do you navigate the transition with a 17-month-old while juggling a demanding career and pets without burning out?

Appreciate any perspective or tough love from dads who have made it to the other side.

Hey all, hopefully this is allowed here. I recently started dating a guy, and he has a 5 y/o son.
This is my first time ever dating a guy with a kid seriously. All three of us are in our early twenties. I’ve never met the BM, but I’m sure his son has told her about me. I’m sure we will eventually meet as well.

Regardless of how I feel about her and her life choices, I still want to be a respectful adult in this situation. At the end of the day, it is her son too and because I don’t have kids I don’t know what it’s like from her POV.

Do you have any dos and don’ts for me? I was a child of divorce, so I have some understanding there. I have zero intentions on bad mouthing her in front of her son. I also don’t want to swoop in here and try to act like his mom or his step mom right off the get go. I know those two are huge no nos.

I love this man, and his kiddo is growing on me pretty quickly. So I really want to do everything possible to have a smooth relationship with both my man and his ex. Any and all tips are appreciated!! Thank you :)

Co parent and I live almost an hour apart. Our oldest is 7 and starting 2nd grade. She goes to school up his way and the younger two who are 3 and 2 are in daycare up that way. I have them Thursday to Sunday evening and he has them Sunday evening until Thursday morning. He wants one weekend a month. How could that ever possibly be made to work? That's 48 days a year I would miss out on and I am not willing to do that. Both parents work full time.

Probably just a statement but would love advice. We have finalised all agreements, we are coparenting well but we have big issues with our teen and the grief of not having a partner through this is hard.

We always parented and teamed well together, now to not have someone to hug and console each other is hard. It hit me like a ton of bricks after a new diagnosis for my daughter and it is lonely.

He has reached out to check in, but I am not wanting to open up to him anymore. He has a girlfriend to talk to, he should do that.

I(36F) am (accidentally) 10 weeks pregnant with my first child. My now ex-fiancé (40M) wanted me to get an abortion but I refused. He broke up with me saying that he can’t be in a relationship with someone who would put him through this situation without his consent but has said he will continue to support me and the child and thinks we should continue to live together.

Logistically, I know that us living together is the best situation because we’re in a high COL area and it would be difficult alone. Plus I’m aware that having two parents will really help when the baby is actually here.

My goal is not to convince him to stay in a relationship with me. I would have preferred for us to move up the wedding and stay together but his reaction to this has been disheartening to say the least.

I’m really just trying to see if anyone else has been on a similar situation and what type of boundaries did you establish? Whose last name should the baby have?

My ex and I split school costs 60/40 (me being the 60) as part of our agreement because I wanted our two kids to stay in their private school. I have zero issue with that. He signed them up for after school extracurriculars. One at a brick and mortar private business and one in a sports league. Both not affiliated with the public school system or the private school. We have two rules in our contract around extracurriculars and both are specific, 1. Cost is split 50/50 and 2. If not agreed upon it cannot interfere with parenting timeshare.
Well, he didn’t ask me if I was in agreement, just told me when and where to take the kids on my week with zero lead up. I never agreed, wasn’t consulted, and have only been able to take them sporadically because it wasn’t planned in my calendar this summer. I’ve been doing it where I can as to not disappoint my kids.
Now he’s trying to include both of those extracurriculars in our school cost split saying they’re part of the kids education and he wants the 60/40. Besides the fact they’re not part of the kids core learning, private business, and I never agreed to something that cuts into my parenting time, how would yall handle this. Because I’m honestly at a loss at the arrogance and unsure of how to even respond.

How do we go about this? I (20f) and my boyfriend (28m) and only been together and year and a few months. We have a baby together, our relationship is getting worse day by day due to him disrespecting my clear boundaries i set with him on unadding his exes on everything, I told him three separate times and each time he told me he would. Each time he didn’t and chose to lie to me and say he did. He offered for us to go to counselling but at this point I don’t think there’s any fixing this. I keep can’t stop bringing it up, it grosses me out that he knew I didn’t like that and that I told him to stop multiple times but kept doing it insisting he doesn’t understand why it bothers me? I don’t want to argue with him anymore especially for our baby. He just turned 9 weeks. I know this relationship screams bad decisions but now i’m trying my best to make it into something better for my baby and I need advice on how. When/if it happens do we just live in separate rooms in our two bedroom apartment??? Is there a good way to make a schedule for our baby? Im currently finishing highschool while also completing a college course and doing job training. He is doing nothing. I need help and don’t know how to make this better.

How do people deal with this?
My ex now has his partners father living with them which makes me feel anxious bcs I’ve never met ether of them.

I lean towards anxious but my ex is careless and basically has zero anxiety about anything so he dose not understand my discomfort with it and thinks I’m being crazy.

What precautions do people take in these situations generally?
I spoke to a friend who said her brothers co-parent gets him to do Sarah’s law checks on unknown people staying with her child in his home and he thinks that’s an acceptable safeguarding arrangement.

I just asked about sleeping arrangements said I feel a bit uneasy about this man who is a stranger to me being in the house at night with her. And asked if anyone could theoretically access her room at night and he looked at me like I was crazy and was very offended I think.

What do other people feel about this sort of thing?

For transparency I had bad experiences myself in this area which probably heightens my anxiety so it’s hard for me to know when I’m being irrationally anxious about things. He’s aware of this.

Just want to gather the general consensus on it really

We’ve recently moved to a foreign country with my exs permission. I send him pictures, updates, travel details everything and he just reads it and ignores it. It actually really really annoys me as he will pretend he hasn’t seen or he’s “forgotten”.

Any advice on how to manage this and not loose my temper in the process as I’m following the court order and he’s just acting like he’s the hard done by dad who was left in the UK when actually hes never been that involved anyway!!