u/Sweet-Mix3298

Hi everyone, really hoping for some practical advice here.

We’re expecting our baby soon. My mother feels like normal boundaries just don’t apply to her, she favors boys and we are having a son. She keeps saying “im grandma and he’s my boy” when we try to explain why we are doing things a certain way. When we say "this is what works for us," we get guilt trips, "I’m the grandma, I know best, you turned out just fine," and hurt feelings. It’s stressful enough that I’m already planning to send clear, gentle boundary guidelines to everyone in the next couple of weeks to set expectations upfront. My mom is planning to visit when baby is just 10 days old, so I want to be clear on what we need before anyone arrives. (Just to note my mother didn’t raise me, my grandparents did that’s why I turned out fine)

On top of that, we have a court-ordered trip this December: traveling EU → UK so my eldest can visit her dad. It’s 800km one-way by car, and our newborn will be only 4 weeks old. I reached out to my eldest’s dad and asked if we could postpone until February — he said no. Due to the wording of the court order I have to do handover or my husband which means we have to go, we did ask my ex for a one time consideration - he said no. (We are doing the journey over 3 days one way to ensure we stop enough)

Baby will have their RSV vaccine before travel, and I’ve had all recommended vaccines during pregnancy. We’re doing everything we can to keep baby safe.

Edit as I missed something’s that have caused confusion:

Just a couple of things:
I appreciate the support and advice however,

I have to travel in December this is a non-negotiable I’ve appealed to my daughter’s dad, the courts and even had health care professionals back my request up which has been declined at every request. I can’t be away from my daughter for longer than a day or two without it effecting her health. I am also not leaving my newborn. I am between a rock and hard place. If I could stay at home and both my kids be happy and healthy I would 100%.

I could appeal again but by the time it goes back to court I would be in breach if I don’t take her to the UK

I will be staying with my daughter in the UK at my grandparents home. She doesn’t sleep at her dads often (once a year maybe) and has autism and adhd. It’s also her first visit since the move, the next visit is next August so things will be a lot easier

Has anyone else navigated:

• Sending written newborn boundaries before anyone visits — what did you say that actually worked? What boundaries did you put in place and how did you make sure they were followed?

• Standing firm on boundaries without it turning into constant arguments or guilt

I’m just feeling really stressed and want to be prepared. Thank you so much in advance.

So basic backstory: I am one of 8 children (2 girls 6 boys) growing up from around 2/3 I lived with my paternal grandparents as my parents divorced and my dad fought hard to ensure I had a stable family home (dad was alcoholic and mum had 7 kids (including me) in a 2 bed house so he felt it was best I live with his parents)

My grandparents have been my parents for all purposes, support, discipline and everything else. My dad died in 2017 and myself and my mum have a relationship where if we spend too much time together we argue a lot. I was also her main caregiver due to my medical background so I was always more of her “nurse” than daughter.

I moved from the UK to the Netherlands around 8 weeks ago. I know it’s affected my family as I use to support them and see them regularly however I wanted to move to be with my husband.

So this brings us to today: I have kids and currently pregnant. I’m 28 weeks and having a whole load of health issues including gestational diabetes being the one that’s knocking me on my backside regularly. I’m going to be having a c-section in November and I’m getting my tubes tied at the same time. My mother wants to come over during this time, I’ve discussed it with my husband and honestly neither of us feel that it will benefit us as a household. These are the reasons she says she wants to come across:

- to help with housework - she doesn’t do her own due to “health reasons” my brother does it for her and lives with her

- to cook for us - same thing she lives off ready meals, they aren’t really a thing here so I’m not sure how that will work plus last time she stayed she “couldn’t” use the oven. So I had to order her takeaway as we were out, because the takeaway was 15 mins late she sent me over 100 messages saying I left her to starve. We asked if she wanted to go out with us and she declined.

- help with the dogs + bring her dogs…. - we have two dogs between 40-60kg she has 5kg dogs x 3….. that’s too much with a new born plus she won’t touch their food nor can she walk them as they are trained to walk off leash with certain people and on the lead she gets “scared” with them in case they pull. (She doesn’t even walk her own dogs) not to mention one of her dogs is reactive so I’d have to keep my dogs and hers separated.

Honestly I don’t think she can help my eldest is 11 and independent she also wants to go to “Oma and Opa” when I have my c-section. (Dutch grandma and grandad) the last time my mother visited it was a nightmare, I got no rest no peace and it felt like i was working, making sure she took meds, food, water, cleaning up after her, being a taxi. I don’t mind her visiting but not when I’ve had major surgery and recovering.

She’s now given us an ultimatum she comes over in November or she is there the day we arrive to visit the UK in December (court order with my eldest) I’ve tried explaining due to having a 4 week old and me recovering a journey that usually takes 10 hours is now going to take over 24 (staying over in a premier inn) when we arrive we want shower, settle the kids, unpack and sleep. Not have to be constantly watching over her cause honestly I don’t trust her. I told her she can come over Sunday morning (her reply was “I don’t get up early you know this”)

Then I get a load of messages saying I prefer my grandparents as they will meet the baby first …. Yes they will cause we are staying at their home. If you call a meeting of bottle, nappy, bath, bed a meeting. If we are being honest I do prefer my grandparents because I don’t get a headache every time we talk and they respect my boundaries (they asked to come over in October and we’ve declined due to all my hospital appointments and the fact that they will end up housebound like 5/7 days as my appointments are 1-2 hours drive away (we live in a village in middle of nowhere) so they’ve booked February instead)

——-
Just some more information:
I don’t trust my mum because of the way I was treated growing up, she is what I call a “boy mum” she is going to favor the new baby over my eldest solely due to gender and that isn’t going to fly with me one bit. She favors all my brothers over the girls, my only other sister has nothing to do with our mother either.

She also has a condition that causes muscle weakness where 11 years ago she always said “I can’t hold (daughter) because my muscles aren’t good and I will drop her” well she’s only got worse in the last decade so I don’t know how well she will be holding my son.

She does not listen to boundaries, due to us traveling with him so young we don’t want anyone kissing him etc, when I told her this it was “I’m grandma I do what I want”. She also thinks she’s allowed to take him around family that I don’t speak to because “I’m the grandma”.

I guess I’m asking for advice on the following:
- how do I set boundaries and enforce them with someone who just won’t listen

- Am I wrong for not allowing her to visit in November? I do get something called kraamzorg in the Netherlands so they will help with housework and the baby but I feel asking them to clean up after my mother is too much?

- I’m fed up of arguing with her, this pregnancy is knocking me out and my blood sugars are wild. I just want peace of mind during my last few weeks. How do I stop the arguments?

We’ve recently moved to a foreign country with my exs permission. I send him pictures, updates, travel details everything and he just reads it and ignores it. It actually really really annoys me as he will pretend he hasn’t seen or he’s “forgotten”.

Any advice on how to manage this and not loose my temper in the process as I’m following the court order and he’s just acting like he’s the hard done by dad who was left in the UK when actually hes never been that involved anyway!!