r/Parenting

Looking for lots of advice for a particular behaviour of my 4.5 year old son’s. He’s a great kid, kind, helpful, always tries to do the right thing, except when it comes to his almost 3 year old sister.

My 3 year old is mature for her age, she’s a great playmate and socially aware and most of the time they get along great. They are each others best friends and always eager to play together rather than on their own but often it devolves into my 4year old doing something physical to his sister and seeming unable to stop.

He’ll grab her, tickle her, step on her, push her around with his head and she’ll be using her words like we taught her, “stop” “please stop” “no thank you” “I don’t like that” and it gets to the point where she’s just begging and crying and screaming for him to stop and he just won’t. 90% of the time a me or my husband needs to intervene and literally pull him off her, and then he’s still lunging and fighting to get back to her and continue what he was doing. He just won’t snap out of it. They play together all day long and I also have a baby so sometimes it takes a minute to step in and this is happening dozens of times a day.

I’ve noticed it’s worse later in the day when they’re tired and it’s worse when he’s hungry but he’s always well fed and eats like a horse. It’s also gotten worse since his preschool has gotten out and they are together all day every day.

We’ve tried a lot of things but my most effective consequences will end up punishing the 3 year old as well, such as “when you don’t listen to her words we have to leave” if we’re at a park or something. Writing this I realize I should make him sit out, rather than pack everyone up to go home. I will try that but it’s hard to enforce without physically making him take a break, because the consequence for him not sitting out would be leaving which is again, punishing the 3 year old as well.

At home we are consistent with pulling him off and having him sit on the stairs to “take a break” (timeout) but it’s been months of this.

Part of our routine is while I’m putting the baby down for a nap, they play downstairs together for 20 minutes then they can watch a show. When he doesn’t listen to her words which usually happens, I separate them and tell him “you didn’t listen to her words, she doesn’t want to play with you anymore, find something else to do” which seems like the natural consequence. Also, she wants to play with him, so if I’m available I enforce the rule that he has to say sorry and ask if he can play with her, and she will always say yes.

I don’t know, I’m at the end of my rope and feel like I should be able to handle this. He doesn’t behave this way with anyone else and was a model student at preschool. His behaviour seems to border on bullying/abusive because he hurts her and she will be screaming “stop, please stop” and he just can’t hear her. It triggers me and it’s making me want to dip into parenting practices that I don’t agree with like yelling or shaming because I feel so powerless.

My DD (9yo) has been regressing in some ways socially and emotionally.

I’m a single father, probably have her 70% of the time. Mother and I get along as co-parents but she doesn’t give a lot of emotional support and is kind of a mess. But daughter has been talking to me a lot about not wanting to grow up and doesn’t want to leave childhood behind.

A few examples are her asking me to tell people she’s 8 instead of 9, wanting to wear her dress up Belle dresses out in public like when she was 5-6, back to watching Peppa Pig all the time, wanting to have toddler style clothes and shoes, doing baby talk more than normal/usual, and some other signs just in her behavior.

The conversations we have about it, she gets very emotional and starts crying and sobbing. I don’t mind her watching Peppa Pig at all, it’s good content, and I let her wear her Belle dresses out for errands the other day but she then wanted to wear it the next day and has asked a couple more times in a week. I’m all for having fun and not caring what others think, but coupled with the other things I’m seeing I realize it’s part of something bigger going on. When we go to the toy aisles, she’s going to the toddler stuff now all the time.

I’m thinking this is just a phase and she will get over it, and I’m being as supportive as I can and just talking to her about how every stage of life is a good one and that I’m proud of her for how far she’s come with her schooling and everything.

I’m just curious if anyone else has dealt with something similar, how did you handle it and how long did it last.

Am I missing something? Are we not allowed to have any downtime whatsoever? Maybe it’s who I’ve surrounded myself with, but it seems as though all my friends are on the go with their kids, be it sports, endless activities, constantly with friends, day trips, etc…

I don’t want my kids staring at a screen 24/7 and missing out on life experiences, but at what point is it too much? Kids need to be okay with being bored and using their imagination. How will they ever do that if they’re always stimulated and on the go? It’s always “What’s next?”

I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way, so I’d be curious to hear everyone’s thoughts on this and how you find balance in not just your kid’s life, but your own.

Edit: Appreciate all the replies and the different perspectives. For clarification, my wife and I are sometimes guilty of stretching our kids’ schedules thin. The question of “When is it too much?” has been on my mind for a while, which was the impetus for this post.

I had a convo with my 7-year-old/second grader earlier today that really cracked me up. She’s multilingual and goes to school in a different language than the ones we speak at home. She reads for school, and sometimes she picks up chapter books in her school language to read on her own, but never in English (the language I speak with her). We do read together in English before bed, and she can read at what I’m assuming is a normal second grade level— she can read things like the Boxcar Children, Nancy Drew, etc. When we read together, we take turns, with me reading one page, then her, etc.

It’s honestly bothered me that she never picks up chapter books in English and reads them by herself. I’ve worried that maybe she struggles more reading English than I realized, or maybe she’s less interested.

Today I just flat-out asked her why she doesn’t read English books on her own. She gave me a surprised look and said, “I always thought you wanted to hear the stories too, so I wait for you.”

I clarified that no, it’s fine for her to read on her own, and she took a chapter book to her room this afternoon and read the whole thing.

It was one of those parenting moments where I realized her view of the situation was so totally different than mine, and it was a great reminder that sometimes you just need to ask. All this time I’d been assuming that making sure she has books available was enough and she’d do it when she wanted to.

I was feeling very overwhelmed today and I was struggling with getting WiFi on my phone in order to pay for car parking. I was faffing around for a good ten minutes and I began swearing under my breathe huffing and puffing becoming increasingly frustrated. My son was with me and he said 'Dad stop you are scaring me'. I immediately stopped, apologised and gave him a hug and snapped out of it.I feel very guilty as I completely lost my cool and composure if you like around him. Luckily he seemed to go about the rest of the day fine, but I've never had a comment like that from him before. I'm his Dad and have him most weekends, so I guess I worry he won't want to come over anymore..

I have a 4 year old and she gets about an hour a week of TV on Saturdays while we clean. Shes a super busy kid and doesnt ever think about screen time until the weekend so its not witholding anything its just our schedule.

So heres the thing: I noticed a distinct pattern of bratty behavior right after she watches TV (usually Daniel tiger or sesame street) and accepted it as something to do with screen time, this went on for a year or so.

Then I borrowed some 80s sesame Street dvds from the library and I slip those in instead of contemporary TV for her hour of watching here and there. No bratty behavior. None. Happy and uplifted every time. I go back and forth to test the theory and there is a 100% correlation between her behavior after watching new sesame street (less effort, more digital animation, repetitive content to save money, characters like "smarty the smartphone") and 80s sesame Street (physical comedy, live music interludes, analog animation, focus on personal interactions.)

I am super blown away by the stark difference in her behavior after watching the same show produced 40 years apart. It's now been 6 months and the pattern is not a fluke its 100% real. Any insight? What is it about modern shows that make our kids act like brats? And why do I not hear about this phenomenon more?

My (31f) 8 year old daughter is such a stellar girl. She’s so kind and thoughtful. Makes sure to put others first when it matters, takes care of others and just wants to be helpful.

This weekend I was babysitting 6 siblings and unsurprisingly my 8 year old was down for the ride. I was getting the 4th and 5th kids dressed to go swimming and the youngest was screaming because he wanted to get dressed and I said “just hang on buddy let me get your sisters!”. My 8 year old grabbed him, laid him on the rug, put on his little swim trunks then brought him to his feet and put on his rash guard. She held his little hands so his fingers wouldn’t bend. She made popping sounds as she pulled the rash guard over his head. She tousled his hair and walked away when she was done.

She’s so soft and warm. She always wanted to be a big sister, but when she was younger her older sister had cancer and I knew then I was done having kids. She’s been sad about it, but she understood. But when I watch the way she delicately cares for younger children, it makes me sad I never gave her that opportunity.

There’s nothing I can do to change it now, so I guess she’ll just have to continue being a great big cousin. Maybe one day she’ll be the best mom ever, or aunt or teacher. Or maybe kids will never be part of her future and she’ll decide to be the sweet stranger who stops and waves at your baby when they say hi to her. Either way, she’s just a little light.

I have been seeing a lot of discussions about how teachers are quitting their jobs because students are out of control and parents are not being supportive.

My old pre-k teacher back in the 90s told my mom on Facebook “ having supportive and involved parents made everything work well!
Unfortunately, today’s teachers have a totally different experience than I did while teaching your daughter”

Has the situation gotten that bad or do the new generation of teachers just not know how to handle these kids anymore?

I often hear from the teachers side and why they are upset, but never the parents.

I don’t have a kid in school yet, so I don’t have a dog in the fight yet. What is going on?

she afraid of opening a cola bottle or just going to turn lights on in a bathroom, shes normal functioning but im starting to think i do everything for her? what are some mundane pratical ways i get her confident and independent for her age ?

Hii, My 3.5 year old doesn't play with toys. He just wants to be doing whatever we are doing and messing with stuff constantly. The things he will play with for longer than 2 minutes are the following: magnetic tiles, legos, piece of paper and scissors, play dough, kinetic sand. He's obsessed with vacuums and has 4 different real kinds (not including toy vacuums).

That's it.

He doesn't do pretend much, or sitting down in general which I know is normal. I just reflect on my childhood and was constantly playing with toys. I could literally play with a stick for hours just using my imagination.

Other things involve asking a bazillion questions, making a tunnel in freshly washed clothes, riding things around the house like a balance bike that's too small for him, running in circles, taking batteries out of things and putting them back in, and dumping stuff out.

I have always rotated toys, most all are open ended, some are not. He has a climbing tower that he doesn't mess with. I always have to initiate any play even with the toys he does like.

Does anyone have a kid like this? How do you get them to play?? I want to buy him toys like the air toobz toy that I think he would like but I don't want to waste more money on toys he doesn't play with.

I‘m a mom to a 2,5 yo girl - and I love it! Apart from clothes shopping.

She’s active - and to me, there’s not much difference between a girl and a boy at that age. They climb, jump, drag themselves through mud. Go! Have fun!

So I got her boy pants. I deliberately went to the boys department, sized down, bought them. Still longer and sturdier than any shorts in the girls department. (Why are toddlers wearing hot pants?!)

New dilemma…. Stones. She’s now collecting stones in those deep deep boy pants pockets. (None of her girl pants ever had pockets to speak of)

Is that normal?

What do you do, boy moms? Just empty them before wash? Where to? Is there a stone collection going on? Do we throw them out? Are they needed?

And just to add for anyone worried: she also has her glittery frilly skirts, she has dresses, she had a necklace that she pulled apart and is waiting for repair. She doesn’t lack girl stuff.

We are throwing my almost 4 year old a birthday party this year. He’s the youngest in his preschool class so he’s been to a ton of parties over the last year. We have brought gifts to all of them.

I can’t imagine getting 10-15 presents. Not only is that overwhelming but I find it unnecessary. We are pretty good about not gifting our kids things just because they want them and honestly, I can’t imagine a kid needing that many toys.

Am I the mean mom if I say “no presents please” on the invite? How do I explain this to him when a 4 year old is so centered on birthdays and presents.

My daughter is 2 years old. Previously when we were getting too many toys or the toys got broken I would throw them away or donate what she no longer played with but now she is 2 and much more aware. I do want to teach her the importance of getting rid of clutter but I have a feeling she will want to keep everything and maybe I should wait until she is older to include her. Anyone dealt with this issue? What did you do and when did you start including your kids in donations?

My 8 year old son injured his eye yesterday and has a hyphema. We were told the first 3 days of healing are critical and need to find some activities to keep him occupied without a lot of screens. Reading is discouraged because of the back and forth eye movement. He’s a big sports kid and just wants to play.

He has a Yoto player, ideas for audiobooks?

We have a couple Lego sets we will do together, again trying to limit the back and forth eye movement so I feel like I need to assist.

I could probably get him to do some coloring for a short period but he’s not much into drawing, coloring, or crafts.

I’m already stretched very thin right now and I’m drawing a blank on ideas while also worrying about this healing period, dealing with other children, and a tough pregnancy. I’m open to any advice and recommendations. Thank you!

I'm a mom of 2 teenagers, 14 and 17. I'm very close to the 14 yo one, we have a very good relationship, he shares a lot, enjoys hugging, we have tons of fun together, go to the cinema, do things... At first I was resistant just going out with him and leaving the eldest at home, but my 17 yo never, ever wants to do anything with me. He's only interested if it's for paying him something like when I come have lunch with him at high school and pay him a fast food meal. Otherwise, 0 interest. He is very uncomfortable with hugging and kissing which I respect, even though it's so hard to resist when I still see his baby face in some of his grown up behaviours.

We used to be so close, he's my first baby and we were the entire world to one another. A few days ago I had to make some place in a room and found his childhood drawings, omg I cried all my tears when trying to triage them and throw some of them to the bin because there are so many. It became so, so hard that I had to stop it, just close the box and put it aside. Every time I think about his drawings I have so much happiness, fun, hear his laughs, his little voice...everything is coming out of the box all at once and it throws so much nostalgia.

I feel almost like I lost a child at 12 yo or something. He is so different now as an almost young adult that he's almost like a stranger who I need to get to know. It's incredibly hard and I wasn't expecting it'd be so tough.

It wasn't perfect when he was little as he was very intense but gosh if I could have just one hour with little him, just once, I would cherish the moment so much. I should have cherished it so much more back then. It's excruciating pain.

This post is only about my feelings because I had to share the hurt I feel - but I know I need to think about the future happy adults my sons will be and not just of myself.

My son is a toddler and his two cousins are the most poorly-behaved children I have ever seen. They will scream and throw temper tantrums at restaurants even after their mom brings them toys to keep them occupied, because they then fight over who gets to play with which toy. When we go on trips they each go in a different car so that they will be more manageable. The older one has unmedicated ADHD while the younger one doesn't, but the younger one sees the older one getting away with everything so he copies his older brother.

One example of every day bad behavior is when they went to a park with a big splash pad. The mom made them change into swimming clothes (cue them fussing and yelling and her yelling back for them to behave), we get to the park, the older one starts shooting a water gun at passing toddlers. The mom starts yelling "how big are you? How big are they? Leave the babies alone!" And 30 seconds later the older one shoots a water gun at the same toddler. The mom yells "what did I just say!" And the older boy yells back "I wasn't doing anything!" even though we all saw him. He gets a 10 seconds timeout while repeatedly screaming that he wasn't doing anything. Then he will go to a zipline just a few minutes later and continue to ride it over and over while other kids line up and quietly wait their turn, and the mom has to yell at him to stop hogging the zipline. He will stop after she yells, but every 30 seconds or so there is a new thing she had to yell at him for while watching him like a hawk. Since all the attention is on policing the older kid, the younger one doesn't get attention unless he acts out too. When they get home in their wet clothes, there is more fussing and screaming and tantrums while the mom gets them to shower and change into dry clothes. I am exhausted and overstimulated just watching all the yelling going back and forth. My husband compares the dynamic to Malcolm in the Middle.

My husband is convinced our son (currently a toddler) won't end up like that because we will be better parents. But I don't necessarily think the mom of the two monsters is a bad parent, she IS telling them not to things this or that but they just do it regardless and scream and act out when they get a time out. She won't medicate the older boy because she thinks he shouldn't be medicated so young. What is interesting though, is the boys DO seem better behaved when the mom isn't around. So parents of well-behaved children, what would you do differently in such a scenario?

I have a newborn and a toddler that just turned 2. It feels so unreal to me that I have 2 kids. I feel like I’m still in survival mode.
Even though I love them like crazy and I would never harm them, I’m struggling to connect with my kids and even my toddler right now.

I’m not sure how long it will take me to get past this.

Edit: I have ASD and have a hard time connecting with people at baseline.

Just curious, when was this true for you? We have a 4.5 year old and I am eagerly looking forward to the day this happens!

My youngest (6) is a very fussy/picky eater and we are years (!!) into a very slow and irregular journey into trying to trying to change his eating habits and recalibrate meal times away from shouting, crying and all-round stress levels. Our eldest (10) is a placid omnivore and always has been.

I think the best policy, which we've come up with in concert with a child nutritionist and according to the NHS advice, is to not push Youngest into eating things he doesnt want to. There is something they like at every meal, and we encourage them to try one bite of new food, but we never force them to eat more than they want, or tell them they have to finish their plate. Dessert is always fruit, and we never use dessert as a reward. If Youngest wants dessert they get it regardless of how much they have eaten of their main. Likewise, we've stopped using chocolate or sweets as a reward for good behaviour outside of meal times.

The idea is to remove all negative or positive associations with food. Nothing is a reward, and therefore nothing is a punishment.

It's very slow going. VERY. But, the main positive development is that meal times are no longer stress filled and acrimonious. And that feels like a good thing to me.

The issue is that my husband is the one who struggles to accept our agreed strategy. Every now and again he will blow up at Youngest and get into a battle of wills with them over finishing their plate, or getting dessert, or not trying more than a tiny bite of new food. And I feel that we go straight back to square one with Youngest seeing food as a horror that must be endured, and Husband acting like he can use his raised voice and "paternal discipline" to change the situation.

I've tried showing him the NHS advice, and even all the peer reviewed studies about how forcing children to eat doesn't result in better outcomes but he always falls back on "but he has to eat!! he can't just not eat his dinner!".

Has anyone else gone through this and offer me any solution or maybe just hope that it will get better?

My 2.5 year old has recently started taking food and eating “in secret” - under the table, in his room, and other places, where he is seemingly hiding eating.

We have no idea where this is coming from as we encourage eating and being full all the time. (His older brother is not a good eater, and this one loves to eat)

Is this cause for concern? How can combat this if at all besides encouraging eating out in the open?