u/Glittering_Iron_8406

I swear the older my narc husband gets…the more time passes…he just gets worse & worse. There were always red flags, and he’s been borderline emotionally abusive for years, but lately it’s reached another level. He said some things today that I actually couldn’t even believe I was hearing. He said that if I’m not with a client (I own a small beauty business), and I’m not dropping off/picking up the kids from school, I should be doing something around the house. He goes, “you don’t do laundry every single day, you don’t do the dishes every single day” and I said, “of course I don’t, who does?” which he replied to with “you should be, since you’re not doing anything else”. This man truly believes that I should not be allowed to sit down on my couch for a minute, or eat a snack, etc. if there is anything in the house I could possibly be working on in that moment. Actual insanity, I tell you…

Our 2 most recent fights were over him putting a scale in our child’s room because my husband is obsessed with our son’s weight, and over me waking up at 1 AM to realize he was not home, having to call many times before he finally picked up and told me he was at a bar 30+ mins away, that he himself calls disgusting, with a friend I don’t approve of.

Backstory: I’m 32, he’s 49 (🚩, I know). We have 2 kids. I own a small (beauty) business and make under $30k a year. He makes $280k a year at his (medical) day job, and also owns several businesses. Also, he just sold one of his companies and received a few million. I do not have access to his money. Just recently over this past summer, he did give me one of his credit cards but it’s only for groceries.

Today I did several tiring, time-consuming household chores that he has sent me money for doing in the past. Afterwards, I let him know that I was done and that he could pay me whatever he felt was fair. He then told me that because I’m “not working right now” (I am, just a slower season til the next month or so), those are my responsibilities, and that he’s not going to give me money when I’m not giving him peace. I cried.

~30 mins later he said “let’s go reconnect” meaning intimately. I told him that I was on day 1 of my cycle and didn’t want to. I could tell by his response that if I didn’t, I’d be punished somehow even more. So I did, which was my choice/fault and I own that, but now I feel so absolutely disgusting.

Looking for words of encouragement, open to advice. Please be kind.

My narc husband (49M) and I (32F) have two kids (10M & 4F). We were barely speaking the past week after a disagreement over parenting. He told me days ago that he would be meeting up with two of his friends (C & J) on Saturday in the afternoon for lunch. I woke up at 1 AM to find that he never came home. I called several times, texted him and his friend C…no response. Finally tells me that he’s at a bar 30+ mins away, a bar that he himself always has said is “gross”, with C and another friend, B (not J, who I like. But B who makes awful choices, is terrible to his wife, and overall not someone I want my husband around). I figured that my narc husband would give me a half-ass apology this morning, but nope. He’s standing by his decision to go out to a bar without telling me, not answering my calls at first, and staying out til almost 2 AM. Today he said “I pay the bills, I’m a grown ass man, I will do whatever I want & go wherever I want. If you don’t like it you can get the f out”. Thoughts?

This is such an overwhelming, emotional topic for me, so please let me know if I forget to add context or enough details.

I’m 32 & my husband is 49. (Not my bio) son is almost 11, and (bio) daughter is almost 5.

Husband got full custody of son when he was 4 weeks old. Bio “mom” has not seen son since then, so it’s been almost 11 years. I started dating husband when son was ~9 months old.

We never could have imagined that she’d never see him again. If she had done a court ordered course, she would have been able to see him supervised every other weekend. She didn’t want it to be supervised, so she chose to just not see him at all instead. She went on to have another child within a year or two of losing custody of son, with an ex boyfriend from before my husband (who she now does not have custody of either—a neighbor is currently his guardian. We know this because the neighbor reached out to my husband on Facebook).

We assumed for a long time that she’d eventually pop up and want to see son. So when son was little and we were just dating, we had him call me a nickname. Then he started calling me “mama” on his own, as a toddler (yes, I tried redirecting him to call me the nickname many times. I was never trying to take anyone’s place). Well, bio “mom” never turned up trying to see him, never even sent a birthday/Christmas card or email, called—NOTHING. So eventually once we got engaged and then married, we stopped correcting him and let him call me mama, as at this point I WAS his mother—the only one he’d ever known—and still am.

I’ve been telling husband for years that we need to come clean and tell son the truth. My sister in law (husband’s sister), and adult stepdaughter (husband’s daughter) agree. They also agree with me that son should absolutely be in therapy right now, prior to learning the truth, and of course after as well.

Problem is husband is a narcissist. No, I’m not just throwing that word around—he’s a textbook narc. Plus he has abusive, controlling tendencies. The mask started slipping when I was pregnant with our daughter. He claimed he was having a midlife crisis of some sort. Since then, he’s just gotten worse & worse over the last 4+ years. I’m sure getting older could have something to do with it, as he’s 17 years older than me (a red flag that I didn’t see at 22 years old when I met him, but I do now. I wanted someone older aka “stable” because I had a difficult, unstable childhood. I realize now that choosing him stemmed from my “mommy issues”, but he won’t ever realize or admit that he also didn’t have the right intentions for pursuing me at that time).

When I was pregnant with daughter, son once said “I wasn’t in your belly like __(sister)__, I just came from heaven”. I didn’t disagree, because it was just me & him and I didn’t know how husband would want me to respond or handle the situation. After she was born, he’d ask questions like “what hospital was I born in?”. I would try to give vague answers and change the subject. Again, it was always just me & him during these incidents—he never asked these questions in front of husband.

Last year husband agreed we’d tell son this past summer. Summer came & went and husband “wasn’t ready”. Legally I do not have any rights, power, or control when it comes to my son—only my husband does. I believe now that he did this intentionally so that I would stay all these years. He always threatened to never let me see son again if I left. So I stayed, and now here we are. I cannot justify leaving, no matter how bad he treats me, when that means leaving my son alone with a narc father and no mother.

I posted last night about how my husband is fat phobic and is very fixated on son’s weight lately. Yesterday he put a scale in my son’s room and didn’t give him dinner. I was at the grocery store when my son told me this on his iPad, and when I got home son was asleep. I avoided husband and slept in guest room. This morning I sent husband a text expressing how disappointed I was that he put a scale in son’s room & did not give him dinner. He immediately started texting me in all caps, cussing, name calling, threatened me, and told me that if I don’t like his parenting I can “get the f out”. He said that no one in the world, including me, loves our son more than he does. And that since he has more parenting experience than me (he has 4 adult children, but was divorced from their mom and only had them every other weekend when they were growing up), I need to shut up because I “don’t know sh*t”. Said to put the scale back or I’ll regret it.

I’m not looking for “LEAVE HIM” answers, as I feel like at least for now I’m a decent buffer between husband & son. I can’t imagine the damage he’d do to son if I wasn’t in the home. Does anyone have advice or suggestions on things I can reasonably (& legally) do?

If you’ve made it this far, I sincerely appreciate you reading this. Please be kind in your responses, I am already hurting so deeply inside for my son, and I feel guilty and ashamed that I haven’t done more for him.

This is such an overwhelming, emotional topic for me, so please let me know if I forget to add context or enough details.

I’m 32 & my husband is 49. (Not my bio) son is almost 11, and (bio) daughter is almost 5.

Husband got full custody of son when he was 4 weeks old. Bio “mom” has not seen son since then, so it’s been almost 11 years. I started dating husband when son was ~9 months old.

We never could have imagined that she’d never see him again. If she had done a court ordered course, she would have been able to see him supervised every other weekend. She didn’t want it to be supervised, so she chose to just not see him at all instead. She went on to have another child within a year or two of losing custody of son, with an ex boyfriend from before my husband (who she now does not have custody of either—a neighbor is currently his guardian. We know this because the neighbor reached out to my husband on Facebook).

We assumed for a long time that she’d eventually pop up and want to see son. So when son was little and we were just dating, we had him call me a nickname. Then he started calling me “mama” on his own, as a toddler (yes, I tried redirecting him to call me the nickname many times. I was never trying to take anyone’s place). Well, bio “mom” never turned up trying to see him, never even sent a birthday/Christmas card or email, called—NOTHING. So eventually once we got engaged and then married, we stopped correcting him and let him call me mama, as at this point I WAS his mother—the only one he’d ever known—and still am.

I’ve been telling husband for years that we need to come clean and tell son the truth. My sister in law (husband’s sister), and adult stepdaughter (husband’s daughter) agree. They also agree with me that son should absolutely be in therapy right now, prior to learning the truth, and of course after as well.

Problem is husband is a narcissist. No, I’m not just throwing that word around—he’s a textbook narc. Plus he has abusive, controlling tendencies. The mask started slipping when I was pregnant with our daughter. He claimed he was having a midlife crisis of some sort. Since then, he’s just gotten worse & worse over the last 4+ years. I’m sure getting older could have something to do with it, as he’s 17 years older than me (a red flag that I didn’t see at 22 years old when I met him, but I do now. I wanted someone older aka “stable” because I had a difficult, unstable childhood. I realize now that choosing him stemmed from my “mommy issues”, but he won’t ever realize or admit that he also didn’t have the right intentions for pursuing me at that time).

When I was pregnant with daughter, son once said “I wasn’t in your belly like __(sister)__, I just came from heaven”. I didn’t disagree, because it was just me & him and I didn’t know how husband would want me to respond or handle the situation. After she was born, he’d ask questions like “what hospital was I born in?”. I would try to give vague answers and change the subject. Again, it was always just me & him during these incidents—he never asked these questions in front of husband.

Last year husband agreed we’d tell son this past summer. Summer came & went and husband “wasn’t ready”. Legally I do not have any rights, power, or control when it comes to my son—only my husband does. I believe now that he did this intentionally so that I would stay all these years. He always threatened to never let me see son again if I left. So I stayed, and now here we are. I cannot justify leaving, no matter how bad he treats me, when that means leaving my son alone with a narc father and no mother.

I posted last night about how my husband is fat phobic and is very fixated on son’s weight lately. Yesterday he put a scale in my son’s room and didn’t give him dinner. I was at the grocery store when my son told me this on his iPad, and when I got home son was asleep. I avoided husband and slept in guest room. This morning I sent husband a text expressing how disappointed I was that he put a scale in son’s room & did not give him dinner. He immediately started texting me in all caps, cussing, name calling, threatened me, and told me that if I don’t like his parenting I can “get the f out”. He said that no one in the world, including me, loves our son more than he does. And that since he has more parenting experience than me (he has 4 adult children, but was divorced from their mom and only had them every other weekend when they were growing up), I need to shut up because I “don’t know sh*t”. Said to put the scale back or I’ll regret it.

I’m not looking for “LEAVE HIM” answers, as I feel like at least for now I’m a decent buffer between husband & son. I can’t imagine the damage he’d do to son if I wasn’t in the home. Does anyone have advice or suggestions on things I can reasonably (& legally) do?

If you’ve made it this far, I sincerely appreciate you reading this. Please be kind in your responses, I am already hurting so deeply inside for my son, and I feel guilty and ashamed that I haven’t done more for him.

This is such an overwhelming, emotional topic for me, so please let me know if I forget to add context or enough details.

I’m 32 & my husband is 49. (*Not my bio*) son is almost 11 & (*bio*) daughter is almost 5.

Husband got full custody of son when he was 4 weeks old. Bio “mom” has not seen son since then, so it’s been almost 11 years. I started dating husband when son was ~9 months old.

Back then we never could have imagined that she’d never see him again. If she had done a court ordered course, she would have been able to see him supervised every other weekend. She didn’t want it to be supervised, so she chose to just not see him at all instead. She went on to have another child within a year or two of losing custody of son, with an ex boyfriend from before my husband (who she now does not have custody of either—a neighbor is currently his guardian. We know this because the neighbor reached out to my husband on Facebook). We assumed for a long time that she’d eventually pop up and want to see son. So when son was little and we were just dating, we had him call me a nickname. Then he started calling me “mama” on his own, as a toddler (yes, I tried redirecting him to call me the nickname many times. I was never trying to take anyone’s place). Well, bio “mom” never turned up trying to see him, never even sent a birthday/Christmas card or email, called—NOTHING. So eventually once we got engaged and then married, we stopped correcting him and let him call me mama, as at this point I WAS his mother—the only one he’d ever known—and still am.

I’ve been telling husband for years that we need to come clean and tell son the truth. My sister in law (husband’s sister), and adult stepdaughter (husband’s daughter) agree. They also agree with me that son should absolutely be in therapy right now, prior to learning the truth, and of course after as well.

Problem is husband is a narcissist. No, I’m not just throwing that word around—he’s a textbook narc. Plus he has abusive, controlling tendencies. The mask started slipping when I was pregnant with our daughter. He claimed he was having a midlife crisis of some sort. Since then, he’s just gotten worse & worse over the last 4+ years. I’m sure getting older could have something to do with it, as he’s 17 years older than me (a red flag that I didn’t see at 22 years old when I met him, but I do now. I wanted someone older aka “stable” because I had a difficult, unstable childhood. I realize now that choosing him stemmed from my “mommy issues”, but he won’t ever realize or admit that he also didn’t have the right intentions for pursuing me at that time).

When I was pregnant with daughter, son once said “I wasn’t in your belly like __(sister)__, I just came from heaven”. I didn’t disagree, because it was just me & him and I didn’t know how husband would want me to respond or handle the situation. After she was born, he’d ask questions like “what hospital was I born in?”. I would try to give vague answers and change the subject. Again, it was always just me & him during these incidents—he never asked these questions in front of husband.

Last year husband agreed we’d tell son this past summer. Summer came & went and husband “wasn’t ready”. Legally I do not have any rights, power, or control when it comes to my son—only my husband does. I believe now that he did this intentionally so that I would stay all these years. He always threatened to never let me see son again if I left. So I stayed, and now here we are. I cannot justify leaving, no matter how bad he treats me, when that means leaving my son alone with a narc father and no mother.

I posted last night about how my husband is fat phobic and is very fixated on son’s weight lately. Yesterday he put a scale in my son’s room and didn’t give him dinner. I was at the grocery store when my son told me this on his iPad, and when I got home son was asleep. I avoided husband and slept in guest room. This morning I sent husband a text expressing how disappointed I was that he put a scale in son’s room & did not give him dinner. He immediately started texting me in all caps, cussing, name calling, threatened me, and told me that if I don’t like his parenting I can “get the f out”. He said that no one in the world, including me, loves our son more than he does. And that since he has more parenting experience than me (he has 4 adult children, but was divorced from their mom and only had them every other weekend when they were growing up), I need to shut up because I “don’t know sh*t”. Said to put the scale back or I’ll regret it.

I’m not looking for “LEAVE HIM” answers, as I feel like at least for now I’m a decent buffer between husband & son. I can’t imagine the damage he’d do to son if I wasn’t in the home. Does anyone have advice or suggestions on things I can reasonably (& legally) do?

If you’ve made it this far, I sincerely appreciate you reading this. Please be kind in your responses, I am already hurting so deeply inside for my son, and I feel guilty and ashamed that I haven’t done more for him.

This is such an overwhelming, emotional topic for me, so please let me know if I forget to add context or enough details.

I’m 32 & my husband is 49. (Not my bio) son is almost 11 & (bio) daughter is almost 5.

Husband got full custody of son when he was 4 weeks old. Bio “mom” has not seen son since then, so it’s been almost 11 years. I started dating husband when son was ~9 months old.

Back then we never could have imagined that she’d never see him again. If she had done a court ordered course, she would have been able to see him supervised every other weekend. She didn’t want it to be supervised, so she chose to just not see him at all instead. She went on to have another child within a year or two of losing custody of son, with an ex boyfriend from before my husband (who she now does not have custody of either—a neighbor is currently his guardian. We know this because the neighbor reached out to my husband on Facebook). We assumed for a long time that she’d eventually pop up and want to see son. So when son was little and we were just dating, we had him call me a nickname. Then he started calling me “mama” on his own, as a toddler (yes, I tried redirecting him to call me the nickname many times. I was never trying to take anyone’s place). Well, bio “mom” never turned up trying to see him, never even sent a birthday/Christmas card or email, called—NOTHING. So eventually once we got engaged and then married, we stopped correcting him and let him call me mama, as at this point I WAS his mother—the only one he’d ever known—and still am.

I’ve been telling husband for years that we need to come clean and tell son the truth. My sister in law (husband’s sister), and adult stepdaughter (husband’s daughter) agree. They also agree with me that son should absolutely be in therapy right now, prior to learning the truth, and of course after as well.

Problem is husband is a narcissist. No, I’m not just throwing that word around—he’s a textbook narc. Plus he has abusive, controlling tendencies. The mask started slipping when I was pregnant with our daughter. He claimed he was having a midlife crisis of some sort. Since then, he’s just gotten worse & worse over the last 4+ years. I’m sure getting older could have something to do with it, as he’s 17 years older than me (a red flag that I didn’t see at 22 years old when I met him, but I do now. I wanted someone older aka “stable” because I had a difficult, unstable childhood. I realize now that choosing him stemmed from my “mommy issues”, but he won’t ever realize or admit that he also didn’t have the right intentions for pursuing me at that time).

When I was pregnant with daughter, son once said “I wasn’t in your belly like __sister__, I just came from heaven”. I didn’t disagree, because it was just me & him and I didn’t know how husband would want me to respond or handle the situation. After she was born, he’d ask questions like “what hospital was I born in?”. I would try to give vague answers and change the subject. Again, it was always just me & him during these incidents—he never asked these questions in front of husband.

Last year husband agreed we’d tell son this past summer. Summer came & went and husband “wasn’t ready”. Legally I do not have any rights, power, or control when it comes to my son—only my husband does. I believe now that he did this intentionally so that I would stay all these years. He always threatened to never let me see son again if I left. So I stayed, and now here we are. I cannot justify leaving, no matter how bad he treats me, when that means leaving my son alone with a narc father and no mother.

I posted last night about how my husband is fat phobic and is very fixated on son’s weight lately. Yesterday he put a scale in my son’s room and didn’t give him dinner. I was at the grocery store when my son told me this on his iPad, and when I got home son was asleep. I avoided husband and slept in guest room. This morning I sent husband a text expressing how disappointed I was that he put a scale in son’s room & did not give him dinner. He immediately started texting me in all caps, cussing, name calling, threatened me, and told me that if I don’t like his parenting I can “get the f out”. He said that no one in the world, including me, loves our son more than he does. And that since he has more parenting experience than me (he has 4 adult children, but was divorced from their mom and only had them every other weekend when they were growing up), I need to shut up because I “don’t know sh*t”. Said to put the scale back or I’ll regret it.

I’m not looking for “LEAVE HIM” answers, as I feel like at least for now I’m a decent buffer between husband & son. I can’t imagine the damage he’d do to son if I wasn’t in the home. Does anyone have advice or suggestions on things I can reasonably (& legally) do?

If you’ve made it this far, I sincerely appreciate you reading this. Please be kind in your responses, I am already hurting so deeply inside for my son, and I feel guilty and ashamed that I haven’t done more for him.

Narc husband is extremely fat phobic and hyper fixates on counting his calories in vs calories out. For the last year or so he’s been obsessing over our son’s weight. He will be 11 yrs old next month, is on the heavier side for his age/grade, but is not overweight by any means. I’ve already been super worried that my husband is going to cause permanent psychological damage in our son, and an eating disorder. When I was grocery shopping earlier, I FaceTimed my son to ask about something I was getting him at the store, and I asked if he had eaten dinner yet. He said no. I asked if his dad was making him/getting him something. He said no. I was obviously confused and asked “what do you mean dad’s not giving you dinner???”. My poor son gets up, flips the camera around, and shows me that his dad put a scale in his room this evening. I was so livid, I started shaking. I am beyond disgusted. Of course I’m getting rid of that dang thing tonight, but I don’t know what else I should do. Any advice is welcome & appreciated.

Narc husband is extremely fat phobic and hyper fixates on counting his calories in vs calories out. For the last year or so he’s been obsessing over our son’s weight. He will be 11 yrs old next month, is on the heavier side for his age/grade, but is not overweight by any means. I’ve already been super worried that my husband is going to cause permanent psychological damage in our son, and an eating disorder. When I was grocery shopping earlier, I FaceTimed my son to ask about something I was getting him at the store, and I asked if he had eaten dinner yet. He said no. I asked if his dad was making him/getting him something. He said no. I was obviously confused and asked “what do you mean dad’s not giving you dinner???”. My poor son gets up, flips the camera around, and shows me that his dad put a scale in his room this evening. I was so livid, I started shaking. I am beyond disgusted. Of course I’m getting rid of that dang thing tonight, but I don’t know what else I should do. Any advice is welcome & appreciated.

Anyone else’s narc extremely fat phobic? My N husband is very into fitness, counting calories in vs calories out, every zero sugar/low fat option out there even if the ingredients are worse… he frequently makes comments that our 11 year old is overweight—and when referencing pictures of us from our dating days, often says that we used to be “young & skinny”. Knowing that he’s in great shape, he’s clearly aiming that dig at me. We’re on vacation, and this morning at breakfast at the hotel, I was finishing my daughter’s pancakes she didn’t eat, when he threw his napkin on the plate. I feel like that was his way of telling me to stop eating. Mind you, I could be in better shape, sure, but I’m 5’3 & ~130lbs—not unhealthy by any means. I feel like the older he gets, the more narcissistic he becomes. The mask slips more & more. When watching tv or a movie together, he’ll refer to perfectly normal women’s bodies as “tanks”, “chunky”, or say things like “she’ll blow up once she has kids”. It’s so beyond disgusting—just one of many, many reasons I’m ashamed to be married to this man. He has kids from a previous marriage, and 3/4 of them are on the heavier side. Which I don’t see an issue with, if they are healthy—but the double standard is insane. Not sure what I’m even looking for here. Just want to not feel so alone in this hell of a marriage.