r/Divorce_Women

I learned who my friends were when my marriage fell apart

I’m 49F. When I was 48, I divorced my husband of 18 years after finding out he had been cheating throughout our marriage. I don’t think “devastated” comes close to describing how I felt.

I was a successful professional athlete, and I thought I had built a close circle of friends along the way. When my marriage ended, I assumed they’d be the people I could lean on. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

My best friend listened to me once. After that, she didn’t make time to check in or ask how I was doing. I was in a very dark place and had thoughts of suicide. I remember sitting in the shower for five hours, unable to get up, while the water went cold.

When I told the other women what I was going through, they said they didn’t want to get in the middle because they were friends with both of us. But my ex barely knew them. He only spoke to them when they came to my house.

I was the one who hosted and paid for the get-togethers: Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving, birthdays, Halloween, Christmas—you name it. I made the effort and opened my home to them. But when I needed support, they weren’t there.

It’s been almost two years, and not one of them has checked in with a simple “Hey, how are you doing?” I eventually stepped away from all of them. I don’t host gatherings for them anymore, and if I do have an event, they aren’t invited.

Maybe they feel hurt by that. None of them has asked me why. I’ll never forget how much I did for everyone, and how alone I felt when I was the one who needed friends. They had their own families and problems, and didn’t want to get involved in mine. I understand people have their limits, but it still hurts to realize the friendships I counted on weren’t there when my life fell apart.

I sit here journaling about how much I want a divorce, and my last entry was from August 2025 when I was 5 months postpartum wanting a divorce. Here I am, more than a year later. still feeling the same. I think I probably want a divorce 50-75% of the time, though not 100%.

The single biggest factor holding me back from seriously pursuing divorce is less time with my child. I'm a SAHM, though I intend to start working again next month. But, I am by far and away my child's primary care taker. I really do not see this changing when I start working. He is my best little buddy, even though I'm exhausted, but I don't know how to grapple with sharing custody of him. How did you come to terms with this mentally?

Extra because I need a bit of a rant: My husband isn't a bad dad, he's just neglectful to me and if he doesn't have to do something for our son, he won't. I don't see any court giving me full custody. I don't know if I want it, because part of the reason I want a divorce is just mom and maid burnout. I don't even know the last time I slept in. Today I asked my husband to help me clean the kitchen, but he stayed in his room playing video games from 9a-4:30pm. I went up at 11:30am and asked when he was going to start cleaning the kitchen so I could continue cooking meals for the day. He said his friends were online and "please just give me this, I just need this day." But he left for an entire week in August for a bachelor party, then another week in September for the wedding. We live in Hawaii away from my family and I just had to solo parent it alone. When he got back I didn't get a day away. But he needs more relaxation time. I am so envious and resentful of him, how much he sleeps, he gets to work and converse with adults, he barely does any chores, he doesn't worry about packing the house for our upcoming move. I have been saying for weeks what a hard time I'm having with our son as he becomes more of a toddler, as we prepare to move, and I'm in grad school. My "free time" from our son is chores, homework, packing. As he spent his day gaming away above us, I spent another day parenting alone, cleaning from a play date, cleaning the kitchen he never did, deep cleaning rugs, and dragging my son around for an errand. I never stop working, and I don't even have a fcking job.

It was fall 2022 and I was on the peloton. It was early evening and I was congratulating myself for actually getting on the bike, given my love-hate relationship with exercise. I had music playing and was singing along when my husband walked through the door. Now, my husband had purchased the bike for my birthday and often encouraged me to ride it. He laughed when I sang along and seemed to get a kick out of it. Not that night. "Why are you on the bike NOW?" he snarled. "You've had all day to ride it, dammit." But it wasn't his words-it was the look in his eyes. Hatred. Like actual hatred. "I'm sorry," I stammered, "I only have five minutes left and by the time you change your clothes, I'll be done." He stormed upstairs. Later I found out (from my friend who is married to his friend) that he was getting in shape for his girlfriend. That hurt. But I will never, ever forget the look in his eyes that night. There was no coming back from that, I thought. I was correct.

I'll preface this by admitting, I got very little sleep last night.

But it has been a long hard week, and I wish (like always) I was financially independent so I could be single and live alone.

This morning I was watching the first episode of a financial documentary called Generational Wealth (pretty good, btw,) but the narrator (a photographer) was telling about a moment when her son was still newish, and she got offered a gig at her job to send her to China for 10 days.. and she cried about how other female photographers chose to not have kids, and she was grieving that her career was about to go down the toilet. Her husband stepped in and said she should go, he would take off of work and care for their baby while she went to China.

I paused because I had started crying, because where are guys like this now??

I've got a husband who brought himself home a drink this morning and conveniently forgot I'd asked for one as well.

I hate being his wife.

Going through a divorce after a 20 year marriage where I ended up being the higher earner. He wasnt always a deadbeat but in the last 20 years, drinking, mental health and a failed business lead to inconsistent work and effort to contribute to our finances. Emotional abuse was there too and I just couldnt keep holding it all together anymore.

He's underemployed during our separation and still living in our home because he won't move out while my kids and I stay with family (long story, CAS involvement..). I've been carrying all of our bills and mortgage but his spotty work attendance has meant little to no contributions toward these. It is sinking me financially.

Ive been trying to keep things out of court to keep costs low, figuring out our separation agreement with a lawyer and the sale of our house because I just plain cant afford it. Doing things this way keeps them cheaper but it also means Im at the mercy of someone who has no incentive to move this thing along quickly. He also does not want the relationship to end which complicates things.

The part that keeps me up at night is the possibility of having to support this man who has been so cruel emotionally and neglectful financially, with spousal support for many years to come. Im seeking that we both waive spousal support in our agreement and have told him so.

Has anyone (women) come out the other end of a situation like this intact and not supporting their ex forever? I see a lot of stories about people who did have to, and am just curious if it ever goes the other way. Looking for some hope if you've got any to spare.

When my children are with their father, every other week, it feels very uncomfortable to call them. When the phone is picked up, no one says hello and it seems that the kids don’t really know what’s going on because I hear them asking questions like “what” “what is it daddy”. I gather that their father just picks up and passes them the phone without saying anything. Sometimes if he’s in the middle of doing something with them, he keeps doing it, almost as if he’s distracting them from talking to me. I usually even send a text before calling to let their father know that I’ll be calling, because I understand that his time (with them), does not revolve around my desire to speak to the children and I understand if he tells me that they’ll call me back if the time that I’m calling is not a good time. That has happened. My phone calls with the kids are very short; usually just like a check-in; “How was your day?…Good night I love you.” They are 7 and 10. I know that around last year when my oldest used to tell his father that he wanted to call me for something and their father did not want them to share certain things with me, he would threaten to punish them. I do feel like at this age, children should be guided on many things, including phone etiquette and respect for their parents. They don’t necessarily disrespect me, but at times they seem annoyed to speak to me, which I understand is part of being a child, but it almost seems like it’s encouraged by their father whereas when he calls, I make sure that all distractions are put aside and that they speak to their father in a respectful way. I’m not doing it for him. I’m just raising my kids. Does anyone have experience with this either as a mother or as a child of divorce? Any tips or advice are greatly appreciated. TIA

I’ve posted here before, but I’m having a particularly bad day.
I’m 59F my soon to be ex-husband is 57. Married for 31 years. He wasn’t willing to give up gambling which put us in financial trouble when we should have been looking forward to retirement.
I was stupid and let him bully me into him always handling the bills for years despite his on and off gambling through our whole marriage. He liquidated his IRA and insisted we pay off the mortgage which we did. That was 3 years ago. Now we have a 200k mortgage again.
He gambles on online apps, buys cigars compulsively and has spent thousands of dollars buying coins for online games. He hid most of this from me and gaslit me into believing it was because we were both making less money than we used to. I never stopped working and still have a decent job.
I never had the guts to demand he let me take over the bills. I was too afraid of him getting angry at me like he always did when I tried to get involved in the bills and his spending. It was emotionally draining.
I supported him when he left his long time job 4 years ago and wanted to pursue something less stressful. He got fired from that one job and the 3 others that followed. He drank and gambled more heavily from that point on and tried to start liquidating my IRA. I realized if I let him do that I would never be able to retire. That’s when I finally woke up and filed for divorce last month.
He’s currently unemployed and not putting much effort into getting a job.
He’s treated me badly through most of our marriage and has narcissistic tendencies. It’s like he’s just waiting for the payout he’ll get from the little equity we have when we have to sell our home.
So why do I feel sorry for him? I have been crying all day today. I am the one who filed for divorce. I’m still going through with it, but it’s just so hard. Is this normal??

I want to divorce my husband. He’s a lousy husband and an uninvolved parent. We have two little girls who deserve to be raised in a happy home but right now they don’t have that. The issue is that if I get divorced, I can’t afford to move out. I’m a financial prisoner. Despite being married for 8 years my husband has refused to get a joint account. He makes $72 an hour. I make $18 an hour because I took a job at my children’s daycare with his prompting, so I left my $36 an hour job dog grooming. I pay for everything for the girls, I pay for groceries, my car payment and insurance payment. A few of the smaller bills. It adds up and I never have anything left over to put into savings. I really want to move into a house for just me and the girls but it’s not a reality now or anytime soon.

So I guess I’m looking for advice from anyone else if they ever got divorced but had to stay living with their partner. What was it like? What rules/boundaries did you set? If we are living together do I qualify for alimony? I imagine child support would only be when we don’t live together anymore. And is there anything else I should know?

Thank you in advance.

This might be a little long, so I apologize in advance. I (22F) and my husband (26M) have been married for about 1.5 years now, after dating for 2 years. It was a little rocky with 3 breakups before the marriage, but each time, we regretted it and always came back together stronger. The marriage has been wonderful until around a week ago…
I tend to get really, REALLY emotional on my period, so I was struggling with some jealousy at this time. Just wishing I could have a husband who actually wanted to support and partake in my main hobby. I told him about this and reassured him that this was more than likely just period emotions, as it’s been the same emotion each time I’ve had my period the past few months. But this time it just felt stronger. I was surprised when he told me that he was feeling the same way, but about his career, and didn’t think anything of it so he didn’t say anything. He gave up his dream of becoming a fighter pilot in order to marry me and eventually start a family. So we realized that we were holding each other back from being truly, 100% happy. We cried so much thinking about what to do. Now, a week later, my jealousy has faded and I feel just fine. But his…hasn’t. In fact, it got worse. Through this week, he made a few realizations about why he’s unhappy with me:
- I have trouble staying consistent in things he asks me to do (this is totally on me, I struggle with consistency and I feel awful about it)
- Lack of initiative (I don’t like taking initiative because I’m afraid of doing things wrong, but I want to be better)
- He struggles to connect intellectually with me. My thinking/thought process/how I go about my day to day. I don’t pick up on stuff like he does. (I’m a very surface-level thinker and have trouble making connections in my head, also something I want to work on)
- He doesnt feel like I fully connect with all of who he is. A decent amount of things he does/talk about he wants to have conversations about, but doesn’t feel like I can match him. He told me that he wants a peer, but he sees me as a subordinate just because I can’t match his intellect. It feels frustrating/limiting to him.
- He wants someone to bring wits to bear against him.
- He feels like he’s never found anyone that can challenge him.
- He says that there’s a depth that I lack. Through raw experience, variety within that experience, pain and suffering, learning how people and the world work.
- He says that he doesn’t see a passion for life in me. He wants me to take joy in just about anything. He doesn’t like my intolerance of simple things (like walking in the rain).
- And lastly, he very specifically said that this was a “divorce-able quality”: My lack of life experience. He’s right, I haven’t had much, but I didn’t think that would be grounds for divorce…
A lot of these things I can improve upon in time, but some of them I feel is just how I’m wired. I’m not diagnosed, but I can’t tell you how many people have asked me if I’m autistic. We talked about all of these issues, and he basically just said that our marriage is fine for now, and that we’re just keeping an eye out for other potential issues that could lead to a divorce. But this is eating me up inside. I struggle a lot with black and white thinking, so because there’s a potentiality for divorce, that is ALL my mind has been able to focus on. I’ve been incredibly anxious and stressed this entire past week, worrying about how I’ll move out, how I’ll move on, if I’ll get all my stuff back, etc. But when I go to my husband with my worries, he gets really annoyed and just says to relax and give it a rest because we’re okay for now. But my brain only hears the “for now”. I don’t feel like I can be at rest within our marriage anymore. He’s told me that he WANTS to stay with me and WANTS to fight for this marriage, but doesn’t know if we should, and that only time will tell. When I mentioned couples counseling, he said that he doesn’t think these issues are able to be resolved through counseling, and doesn’t want to waste the money on something that might not work. He also said that the main things that will help him to be happier is if I give the worries a rest, and start improving my life for ME, instead of trying to do so for HIM.
So, I went line dancing by myself last night despite having awful social anxiety. I met a friend, and had an AWESOME time. I felt so alive and free. I found myself wishing I could learn swing dancing again, but gave it up when I met my husband since he didn’t want to do it and didn’t want me dancing with other guys (which I felt was understandable).

So now, I just don’t know what to do. I’m a Christian, so I feel like I have this duty to uphold my marriage commitment I made before God. I don’t want to be the one to ask for a divorce. Plus, I have no family around. I live on the exact opposite coast as all my family. I don’t have a car either (we share 1 car, and it’s in his name). And, the thing that I really struggle with, he’s been the ONLY person I’ve ever been intimate with. I don’t want to lose that…

TLDR, my marriage is falling apart because of issues my husband has with me that I might not have control over. He’s not sure if he wants a divorce or not, says that only time will tell, and it’s eating me up inside.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t even know what advice to ask for. I really don’t want to leave him, but I hate not knowing if he’s going to decide to divorce me or not.

Just remember. You don't need some amazing reason to choose your own happiness.

Yes, divorce has impacts, but we do not need to live in misery to prove we had a 'family.'

Choosing yourself is enough of a reason.

We’ve had a dead bedroom for two years and I communicated to him that I would no longer initiate, because I was the only one doing it.
He got defensive and it led to a fight, but he eventually said that he would try harder.

Well, he never initiated.

We recently got into a big fight about how he refuses to apologize for when he hurts me, and I mentioned the lack of intimacy again.
He looked at me like I was crazy, and said "I have been trying! Remember when I kissed you in bed?”

(I was falling asleep and thought he was kissing me goodnight.)

"Remember when I kissed you in the kitchen and you turned away and said you had bad breath?”

(I kissed HIM, and then playfully warned him that I hadn’t brushed my teeth yet so he could decide if he still wanted to kiss me.)

Well, recently due to us discussing divorce, him asking if I’m cheating on him etc I told him that an upcoming trip out of town would not be a romantic one and to not expect sex.
I communicated that because of where we are emotionally, I no longer desire intimacy from him.

Now he’s happier. He’s behaving like weight has been lifted off.
This is someone I have given everything to. I expected to grow old with him.

After a few years of incessant, irreconcilable issues, I finally made the courageous decision to end my marriage early this summer.

It was an arduous process, given the nature of my now former spouse, but I honestly don’t regret doing it. I only wish I’d done it sooner, seeing as how loved & supported I have been through it all.

Anyways, if you’re going through a divorce, considering one, or just wanna ask questions, leave them in the comments.

My ex and I have soon-to-be two year old twins and have been broken up since I was pregnant. Initially, I kept very strict boundaries with communication and visits with the twins but since January this year, he made efforts to be consistent, repeatedly begging for reconciliation and ultimately getting me to relax those boundaries. The final straw this week is not hearing from him at all even though he knows the twins and I are moving house. He’s not been around to help (am I being unfair with this?) or even contacted us to check how it’s all going? We’re now in a not so pleasant situation as I now suspect he’s seeing someone else while trying to get back together with me and over the last few months has not kept up with financial contributions or even seeing the twins.

He’s refused to consider a parenting plan, insisting that now that we’re moving closer he’ll be seeing the twins more regularly but I honestly don’t believe him. I need him to have a consistent schedule with them so I can do the same for myself and he’s making it soooo difficult. Everytime I bring up the topic, he just makes vague promises and then I don’t hear from him for days or weeks. It’s so frustrating and it’s been two years of this.

I’m considering mediation support to draw up a parenting plan that we can both agree and stick to and putting those boundaries back in place. My question is, will that be forcing someone who doesn’t seem to care to be responsible in a way that they don’t want to be?