r/Divorce_Women

I might be getting divorced. I probably should definitely be, but I'm still hanging on a little bit.

It's destroying me though. My relationship was going okay a month ago. My husband has some mental health issues. He went off medication, had too much weed, relapsed and went certifiably nuts. He'd done this before but the hospital had brought him back with medication. He was weird for a few months but eventually we stabilized.

That first time it was en expensive nightmare, and heartbreaking. Him missing, coming back hostile, talking about leaving me, me having to take him to the ER when he went insane, and then a week of crying at my parents in between hospital visits when he was admitted into a ward.

It was two years since then. He just put his brain back into the same mess. He's not in the ward this time. He's back on his meds and presenting stable expect he's been acting like I'm the enemy and he needs to get away from me. Being sweet one day. Disappearing with the car the next day and calling people to pick me up because he knew he ruined my plans by taking the car.

I think he can make a full recovery again, but I'm so scared this will repeat a third time, and a fourth, and maybe forever. If he stays on his medicine maybe its fine, but that's out of my control and I hate being the first thing he tries to cut off when he goes nuts.

I love him. We' almost 40. Been together half our lives.

I feel like shit. I don't know whats going on every day. Which 'him' I'll get to see. Its so confusing because he's not himself right now.

It feels like i need to cut him off and learn to live again but I don't want to do that yet. I want this to magically be okay like it was last time. I think that's stupid though because this has proven it can re-happen. I'm sure most people will tell me its time to go. He has a lot of issues that make me feel so scared often (one being he drops all communication when he's upset)

I'm having trouble sleeping and eating.

We have pets too. They can't be split up. I don't want to lose my pets. I can't really take care of them alone if they need to be medicated and forced into a carrier for a vet trip, but maybe I can find a professional who can come in and help me if needed. I have no idea. I can care for them fine when they don't need medicine put in them.

I dont' want to lose my house. I dont know how to split the money. We dont have much money. We have some. I've been the one supporting us for the last 4 years so at least I have that to me.

How do you take care of yourself when you're still in the process of it all?

also my job is a freaken wedding performer, and every time i hear romantic songs its a battle not to cry. lmao. i have a wedding this week too.

My kid graduated college this weekend and it was a wonderful celebration. My husband and I returned home feeling very proud. The next morning, I was woken up by an armed vehicle in front of my house with an officer pointing a rifle at me through my bedroom window and a scope on my chest. It turns out he is being accused of engaging in cyber crimes. My house was raided and searched. They did not arrest him - only seized electronics - but the police say he admitted to the crimes. I'm not looking for legal advice here - just support. I cannot stop crying.

We bought our dream house 2 years ago. I gave up my business and took a full time job again to be able to do it. I doubt we can sell it for what we paid in this market. He makes the majority of the money. The majority of the debt is in my name and I have a lower credit score because of it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to file bankruptcy. I have no family that I can stay with - just married friends that are also friends with him because we've been together for 33 years. I don't want to tell them what's going on until I have a better idea if he's going to be arrested, go to jail, etc. We live in a small town and everyone saw our place get raided (8+ police cars and an armored vehicle). Regardless of how any of this turns out, we're divorcing and I want to move away.

I'm overwhelmed and don't know what to do. I've tried making lists and timelines as I wait for a knock on the door to say they're arresting him (or not?). It's unclear how or when we will even know that. I looked at rental houses online yesterday (I have 2 dogs) and can't afford to pay rent on even a trailer park with my salary, but finding a new job right now seems unwise since I live in a very expensive area and commute 100 miles each way for my current job.

And how do I tell my child? Or when? Our friends?

My plan is to stay in our house as long as possible, even if he goes to jail. The mortgage is in his name so I could let it go into foreclosure if I can't sell it. I handle the finances, so I transferred all our joint savings to my business account in case his assets are seized (I don't really know if that's a possibility but I don't want to take chances). I'm switching to minimum payments on all credit cards and putting both our student loans into forbearance (hopefully). He's already moved to the guest room. I'm so heartbroken and feel like I have no one to support me. I'm starting my life over in my 50s and I've done it before but I didn't think I'd have to do it again unless he died.

I've lost my marriage, my family, and soon my house, maybe my dogs. I'm losing everything I've worked so hard for. I feel shattered but also like I need to act. But with no clarity, I can't do much. So I just sit and cry.

If you left, where did you stay? I won’t have money right away. All our money is tied together. My family won’t take me. It’s one of the things that is very difficult for me. We have a mortgage. I wouldn’t be able to pay rent and the mortgage. I’d love to know how you walked through that portion of leaving. I’ve considered asking a few specific friends but it’s a huge ask 😞

I apologize for how long and confusing this post is. It’s my first time trying to unravel it all in my head. My husband (32M) and I (28F) have been together for 7 years, married for 2. We started dating a couple months after something pretty horrible happened to me, so I kinda latched onto him. I also spent most of my life very insecure and very overweight. I was so happy to find someone that would just love me unconditionally and never want to leave me. That’s what I got. He’s a very positive, nice guy, everyone he meets loves him. Im the opposite, more of a black cat. As the years went on, I slowly felt the incompatibility showing itself. I kept telling myself i was being ridiculous. 4 years in, I decided to focus on myself more, adopt a healthier lifestyle and lose the weight. He never understood my issues with food/weight since he never experienced those issues himself, so he was a bystander but not a support system for me. I lost 130 pounds, and I felt myself changing mentally as much as I was changing physically. The insecurity was melting away, and replaced with a confidence I’ve never had before. For years, I spent so much time cooped up in our house, throwing myself into my hobbies and not wanting to socialize. I suddenly realized I was doing it to distract myself from how in denial I was. I kept telling myself I was with the right person because he loves me and that I should be happy. But his definition of love and my definition of love are completely different.
I started really noticing how incompatible we were in the bedroom first. It’s a once a month event, he would verbally ask if I wanted it, never any kind of foreplay, no passion and only one of us finishes (it’s not me). He always said he was the kind of person that doesn’t need sex. I was okay with all of that for a long time, but I eventually started realizing I want so much more for myself. I realized how important passion is for me, and how much I craved someone that actually desired me.
Once I started thinking about how I was unhappy with our sex life, other issues in our marriage were glaring me in the face. He doesn’t really know me on a deep level, but I know him. He forgets things about me that people I barely know remember. He doesn’t know how to handle, or even notice, when I’m sad or frustrated, he just leaves me alone. He’s an “everything will be fine” guy. That’s his answer to absolutely every issue. I feel like I’m carrying the emotional part of our relationship alone. If I’m stressed about something, he makes me feel like I’m being ridiculous. I rarely feel listened to. But to him, we have a perfect marriage. He’s totally happy. He doesn’t see why I wouldn’t be. I feel like I live with a roommate, not my husband. I asked him about having an open relationship at one point, because we already feel like just friends to me, and he was blindsided and devastated. He said he would never consider being with another woman and he couldn’t believe I would ask about it. So that was shut down right away.
I can’t stop thinking about wanting to get out of this marriage. I just don’t know what will happen to him after. I do care about him as a person, he’s just not MY person. I’m fully aware I’m the problem here, I’m the one that changed things. He’s exactly the same person he was in the beginning. I’m not willing to put in effort to fix the marriage or go to counseling because I’m just not in love with him. I know myself, and I know that’s not going to change for me. I want him to be able to find happiness with someone. He should have left me the second I asked for an open relationship. I would never be able to watch the person I’m in love with be with other people. He deserves better, he deserves someone that is as in love with him as he is with her. He doesn’t really have anyone other than me though. He has acquaintances but no super close friends. He’s not close with his family, and he doesn’t really do anything social. I worry about what happens to him after if I leave. That’s the only thing keeping me here. But I’m miserable. I don’t know what to do.

My husband and I have been together for about a year, and I recently found out he’s been cheating on me with multiple women. I feel completely broken and honestly lost.

The difficult part is that aside from the cheating, our life is financially stable. We live comfortably, and we’re planning to invest in property together soon. I come from a poor background and even though I’m educated and work hard, I’m almost 30 and feel like I have nothing financially solid to show for my 20s. My husband comes from a stable family and is doing very well financially.

I’ve always wanted kids, but now I’m questioning everything because I don’t trust him anymore.

Part of me thinks:
- stay for 5 years, build financial security, maybe have a child, then leave later if things don’t improve
- or leave now, start over, and try to build a healthier life with someone else

I know this probably sounds transactional or messed up, but I’m trying to think logically for once instead of making emotional decisions I regret later. I also don’t really have close family or trusted friends to talk to about this.

For people who have been in similar situations: what decision did you make, and do you regret it?

UPDATE:

After reading everyone’s comments, I’ve decided I’m not going to stay with him long-term or have a child with him just because of financial stability. I think deep down I already knew that would only make my life more complicated emotionally.

One important detail: he doesn’t know that I found out about the cheating yet because I haven’t confronted him. Right now I’m trying to think carefully and plan my next steps safely before I say anything. I also have all the evidence I need.

We’ve actually been together for 4 years and married for 1. Looking back now, I realize he was cheating throughout different parts of our relationship, especially when we were long distance. I genuinely had no idea at the time.

Another reason I sounded so focused on money is because I honestly have nothing financially. No savings, no family support, and no assets of my own. He’s the financially stable one. Even the properties he wants to buy in both our names would mostly be from his money, not mine. That’s what made me think maybe I should stay long enough to at least leave with some stability after everything he’s put me through.

The child part also came from fear and timing. I’ve always wanted to be a mother and I truly think I’d be a good one. I’m almost 30 and started panicking that I’m running out of time and might lose both the relationship and the future I imagined.

I know some people thought I sounded manipulative or transactional, but honestly I’m just hurt, scared, and trying not to make another emotional decision. Part of me also struggles with the idea of leaving with nothing while he continues life comfortably after betraying me for years.

Still, I know bringing a child into this situation or staying only out of fear probably isn’t the right answer.

Hi All, this will be long but I will try to be as succinct as I can be. I also know this is only my side of the story, but it’s my truth and I am trying to decide whether to stay separated from my husband or try to reconcile.
My husband (35M), and myself (35F) have been married 12 years now. We were high school sweethearts. We broke up for a time during college, then got back together and were married at 22 before he deployed for the first time. When he returned from that deployment, I moved states away to where he was stationed. I drove an hour to and from work, and held down the household while he deployed a second time. After his military career, we moved cross country (which I gave up a promotion to do), for him to finish his bachelors degree in a specific program. He did not work while he was in school and I continued to work full time. Then I started a doctorate program, and continued to work throughout that. During my last year of the program, he moved back cross country to start grad school, and again I managed the household, dogs, etc as I finished my degree. He did not work during his grad program (but to his credit he did have GI Bill and some VA disability income). Once I graduated, I moved to him, giving up a guaranteed job offer. Thankfully, I found a job quickly where I moved to.
A few years ago, we had a late miscarriage, and we were both devastated. I have always had anxiety/depression issues but this obviously magnified that. Plus I work with babies so returning to work was incredibly difficult. Then, I got pregnant again and the pregnancy was stressful because of our previous experience. Thankfully my baby boy is perfectly healthy and the light of my life. However, after baby was born, my husband became way more distant and honestly was just being so cold towards me. I had bad PPD/PPA, and when I told him something was wrong and I wasn’t ok, he just said he can’t fix it for me and that he’s known something was wrong with me for a long time—he never said a word to me about it.
Then, he starts doing things like going to “happy hour” and not getting home until 2am. And he was talking about a girl from his new job a lot. I’ve met her. We’ve been to brunch, she was at our baby shower, etc. He has always had female friends and I have never once felt threatened by them. But with her my instincts went up. I told him multiple times I wasn’t comfortable with it, and he assured me they were just friends. But he wasn’t having sex with me. Was turning me down. I was breastfeeding and he even said he “doesn’t like milk” as an excuse not to be intimate with me. I will admit, I did not cope well with the stress of being a new mom and then worrying about my relationship, and I was drinking too often. One night I definitely had too much, and I own that completely and have taken steps to remedy that issue. I don’t remember what happened that night. And about a week later my husband just came out with it that that night “broke” him. And to this day, he refuses to tell me what was said. At first I kept wondering what I could have said or done that was so awful, but honestly now I’m starting to think it may be what HE said or did. And he proceeded to tell me he’s been unhappy for a really long time (couldn’t tell me how long), and that I’ve become withdrawn and don’t talk to him anymore, that we don’t laugh together anymore, etc etc. He told me he didn’t miss me and didn’t look forward to me coming back while I was on a trip I had taken (which I had spent the whole time wishing he was there because he would have loved it). About this point, I start looking at our phone bill. He’s been texting the girl from work on a daily basis. Hiding his phone, the whole lot. We start counseling, and during one of the sessions he tells me that he will never show me his phone because it breaks the trust of the people he’s talking to and none of those conversations are meant for me. He ends up asking for a 3 month separation and signs a lease at an apartment. At that point I agreed because I was on edge and walking on eggshells all the time. Plus I was positive he was cheating on me and he wouldn’t stop talking to her and wouldn’t admit it.
As the 3 months came to a close, we have a conversation and he basically tells me our relationship was death by a thousand knife cuts, I’m too emotional and he doesn’t know how to talk to me, I’m so anxious and he doesn’t want to say something that will send me over the edge, things like that. And he signed a year lease. Which I took as him being done with the marriage, but he still wouldn’t just say he was done.
So now we have been in this limbo for almost a year (he moved out end of August last year). I’ve consulted with a few attorneys but haven’t retained one as of yet. We have split time with our child, although I’m the childcare on days he works (or my mother is if we are both working). We have both been seeing individual therapists. And all of a sudden, he’s being super nice, wanting to chat more, and recently asked if we could go “get apps” soon and talk, and that he just needs 90 minutes of my time. I don’t know what his game is or what he wants. So now I’ll be anxious until then. Because I never know what is going to come out of his mouth. He still says he doesn’t know whether he wants in or out of the marriage. Since he’s been nicer/more like the man I know, I’m wondering if he’s wanting to work on things. Logically, I know he’s treated me poorly and I don’t think it’s best for me. But when you’ve loved someone since you were 16 it’s hard to say that and get out. I want more kids, I want a relationship, and the thought of dating in today’s world is terrifying.
I don’t know the full point of this post. I guess to rant. But I’d love advice on leaving vs. staying or people who have made it out the other side. Thankful for this community!

I am not meeting with a lawyer until next Wednesday so I haven’t told anybody anything except very close friends. my husband has no idea I am planning on leaving but I can tell he knows something is different because I haven’t been touchy feeing or wanting to spend a lot of time with him. how did you guys handle still living together while you waited to talk to a lawyer about the situation or how long did you wai to tell them before you left? my apartment won’t be ready to move in until probably the first or second week of June.

My husband and I have been together for about a year, and I recently found out he’s been cheating on me with multiple women. I feel completely broken and honestly lost.

The difficult part is that aside from the cheating, our life is financially stable. We live comfortably, and we’re planning to invest in property together soon. I come from a poor background and even though I’m educated and work hard, I’m almost 30 and feel like I have nothing financially solid to show for my 20s. My husband comes from a stable family and is doing very well financially.

I’ve always wanted kids, but now I’m questioning everything because I don’t trust him anymore.

Part of me thinks:
- stay for 5 years, build financial security, maybe have a child, then leave later if things don’t improve
- or leave now, start over, and try to build a healthier life with someone else

I know this probably sounds transactional or messed up, but I’m trying to think logically for once instead of making emotional decisions I regret later. I also don’t really have close family or trusted friends to talk to about this.

For people who have been in similar situations: what decision did you make, and do you regret it?

UPDATE:

After reading everyone’s comments, I’ve decided I’m not going to stay with him long-term or have a child with him just because of financial stability. I think deep down I already knew that would only make my life more complicated emotionally.

One important detail: he doesn’t know that I found out about the cheating yet because I haven’t confronted him. Right now I’m trying to think carefully and plan my next steps safely before I say anything. I also have all the evidence I need.

We’ve actually been together for 4 years and married for 1. Looking back now, I realize he was cheating throughout different parts of our relationship, especially when we were long distance. I genuinely had no idea at the time.

Another reason I sounded so focused on money is because I honestly have nothing financially. No savings, no family support, and no assets of my own. He’s the financially stable one. Even the properties he wants to buy in both our names would mostly be from his money, not mine. That’s what made me think maybe I should stay long enough to at least leave with some stability after everything he’s put me through.

The child part also came from fear and timing. I’ve always wanted to be a mother and I truly think I’d be a good one. I’m almost 30 and started panicking that I’m running out of time and might lose both the relationship and the future I imagined.

I know some people thought I sounded manipulative or transactional, but honestly I’m just hurt, scared, and trying not to make another emotional decision. Part of me also struggles with the idea of leaving with nothing while he continues life comfortably after betraying me for years.

Still, I know bringing a child into this situation or staying only out of fear probably isn’t the right answer.

Long-time lurker, first time poster. Me (38F) and my husband (50M) have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We have two young kids, 1 & 4.

Husband is a loving, capable, educated and very sociable man, good dad, but over our 5 year marriage has been unemployed and living off his savings. I have a big job that supports myself, my retirement savings, pays for childcare and the kids and their college funds, but it doesn’t make enough for us to buy a nice house or have the kind of lifestyle I want.

When we got together, we agreed on a vision of both working really hard to build great careers and make lots of money, we’re both entrepreneurs which can be a bit feast or famine, but frankly he hasn’t hustled or really tried to make things happen over the last 5 years, except he’s tried harder this past year but still isn’t making real money.

Throughout this unemployed era I’ve cried, pleaded with him, we’ve gone to therapy, I’ve honestly shared with him that the lack of career/job is causing me to fall out of love with him and feel like he’s not a real partner to me. He is a good dad, but he isn’t a stay at home dad or anything — we have full time childcare/school for the kids that I pay for.

My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD, which has reframed some things for me — but hasn't made the accumulated resentment disappear. To add to things, we had a wedding planned during Covid that we had to cancel, so we just got legally married, but he knew it was super important to me to plan a wedding. Now five years have gone by, and we’ve set multiple dates to get married on but he’s never really engaged in planning or helping at all, plus at this point it would just be me bankrolling and planning it which doesn’t feel very good. This is a broader theme (not sure if it’s ADHD or not) of it being very hard to make plans with him, or he just doesn’t make plans, and certainly nothing special like vacations, weekends away, etc — that all falls to me to plan.

I hate to think about divorce, but I feel like life with my husband is not moving at the pace or direction I envisioned for my life. My family and friends all know I’m unhappy. He has been trying to buy a business for the last year, and recently got some traction on that front but I’m worried it’s too late. At this point, he’s 50 and the window is closing on him being able to truly provide for our family. On the other hand I’m 12 years younger, and feel like there’s a lot of life out there for me. I am starting to think I would rather be alone and have freedom to make plans and actually make them happen instead of being in this infernal holding pattern. At the same time, I am scared of starting over and dread the impact of divorce on my kids. I think he is starting to understand how badly he messed up, but again — I’m not sure it’s salvageable.

At this point, I’m so deep in my own echo chamber that I’d love outside perspectives especially from folks who’ve lived through this kind of thing. Thank you!

Sorry long post-
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I (34f) and my husband (39m) have been together 15 years, married for 10
This is the story I’ve heard 100 times. Overall amazing person. A relationship that has so much love and care, but I am emotionally carrying the weight. No intimacy, no emotional connection. Any hard conversations are pushed by me. He’s wildly avoidant.

Last year we had a bad fight and I almost left, I said couples therapy or I’m done. We went to therapy, which helped a in some ways especially communication when fighting. But we didn’t talk about alot of the bigger issues. Sure, I could’ve brought things up in session but I wanted to see him to do it also. I wanted him to pull some of that weight. And I felt like if it mattered to him, he has a voice too-and I’ve said I’m tried of carrying this weight

It’s been a merry go round of the same issue, and I feel back sliding from therapy (we’ve been out about 10 months).

We still have intimacy issues, anything we do (date or vacation etc.) I plan, and he still will not bring up the harder conversations.

I feel like we are at the end, I cannot do it anymore and I can’t go on feeling like this. We recently went on vacation, I was hoping to have this time for connection and we just didn’t connect. We had a bad fight on vacation (I was so sad and feeling just unwanted or unattractive-who doesn’t have sex on vacation!) which left me gutted but we pulled it together to have a good last couple days. I was hoping when we got home we’d circle back to the conversation but nope. It hurt. He’s so avoidant that he acted like nothing happened while I was devastated on the inside.

We did talk (I brought it up) and sure now he’s really trying to showing effort, and have the effort be known. Giving me more kisses, looking at air bnb for a maybe weekend away….but it’s like he’s doing the easy stuff. I’m still not feeling good-I told him this. He never checks back in. I’m also feeling a bit of resentment that he’s NOW going to change when I’m here, at this place where I’m not sure it’s fixable, and i have said that in our last talk.

I set a boundary that I won’t goto therapy with him again unless he gets therapy himself.

I love him so much, he truly is such a great person. He also isn’t like a lazy guy, he does so much for me around the house and we legitimately have so much fun together. But I want a lover not a best friend.

Leaving scares me. He’s been in my life since I was 21, our lives are so connected. I fear what he’s going to do, he’s so closed off and avoidant I’m scared he won’t be ok mentally. I’m scared how our families will react, mine is extremely close to him. My close friends have all
Rallied around me and have told me they support
Me in whatever I do. They want to see me happy. But for a lot of people this will be a shock. I’m gutted, I’m heart broken and I don’t want this to be where I’m at….but I’m also aware I can’t keep doing this. I’m just scared I’ll make the wrong choice

I don’t know anyone who has gone through this. Most ppl k know relationships end with a bad thing or alot of hate, and that’s not what’s happening. He’s a gos person who I love deeply. I am scared I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to hurt him. It feels like I’m holding a grenade and I’m about to blow up my life.

So for context, I've been divorced for almost 2 years, with our custody agreement just recently hitting the full one year since we got divorced. We share a 7yo daughter, and he sees his daughter once a week for 2.5 days (Sunday night-Tuesday). Once a year, my ex and I talk about school holidays and how we want to divide up the time equally. I'm looking for advice on a situation involving holidays/school breaks

It is almost that time of year where we have to discuss holidays, so that we can make plans accordingly (our daughter gets 4 major school breaks; one in November, one in December, one in February, and one in April). Here is the problem: he has not stuck to a single agreed on break for one reason or another. He originally was supposed to take her for the entirety of Thanksgiving break last year, and two weeks before the break told me he could only take her for 1 day, the actual holiday. I was traveling out of the area for the holiday, and because he couldn't take her, he gave up that whole week of time with her. (Didn't mind at all, loved having her with us). But then he was supposed to take her for one week for Christmas break, and told me he would only take her for 3 days because he had a vacation planned that our daughter wasn't invited to. He also breached our agreement and for her break in February (she gets one week there too), he lied to me and said that he had her, only to backtrack and admit that he had other people watching her due to his schedule.

It is getting really frustrating, because every single long-term break that he has been given, he either does not take her for one reason or another (frequently with less than one week of communication) or lies about taking her. I am getting more and more wary about it, because he wants me to give him the week of Christmas, Spring Break, and a break in November. Is it considered being "a jerk" if I told him that I wanted to stick to the schedule from last year due to his inability to commit to a consistent visitation schedule that we had agreed to? I don't really want to give up Christmas Day, can absolutely understand why he would want it, but I do want him to take some kind of responsibility/accountability for his decisions to not take her for scheduled time.

Any advice/guidance is so greatly appreciated. I feel really lost and frustrated on it.

I’m 38. My husband is 46. He’s fit. He’s strong. He’s extremely intelligent, works a high paying job. He has very difficult tasks at work and is trusted with a lot.

He’s great to talk to. Great to relate to and is the coach of my ten year old son’s soccer team.

I’m struggling with his maw incompetence. Example - he has used my stove and just shoves things to the side (we don’t have a lot of counter space). So there will be towels, plastic, paper on the stove. His argument is he made sure the eye he used was clean. I asked repeatedly four to five times to not do that. Explained the safety issues. The risk to our lives, our house. He said he’s too tired, he’s so busy, he was stressed. There’s always an excuse. I asked if his mom had not taught him how to use a stove (genuinely bc these are tasks I teach my own kids and were taught to me when I wanted to learn how to cook) and he got angry and more defensive.

I finally after repeatedly asking him to safely use the stove lost my temper. I threatened to sale the stove so I’m not scared of if I can’t be home and watch him use it. He said he wouldn’t do it ever again. We will see.

He will mow the yard and leave the lawn mower out for days. The gas can in the sun out for days. Weeks if he can. We have a shed it goes it. He just stops it and walks away and says he will put it away later. Later never comes. I put it away after two to three days bc I don’t want it rained on and ruined and it was expensive. He then gets upset I should have asked him to do it, that he was about to do it. This happens over and over and over.

Last night we got home late, I have three kids (8yrs, 10yrs, 2yrs). I started dinner. I had to wash my puppies feet bc she soiled the crate so I asked my 10 yr old to stir the beef. I finished dinner, served it, made my two school kids their lunch for the next day, got my kids to organize their clothes for school for water day, get sunblock towels extra clothes. Put in a load of laundry. Got my older kids in the bath and teeth brushed and got them into bed. Walked my puppy twice before bed. Brushed my two year olds teeth and got him night clothes.

My husband - I asked him to take out the trash bc pick up is Tuesday morning. He took trash from bathroom (that I had asked him to put into large garbage can for three or four weeks) and just dumped it loosely into outside bin which was overflowing. This had wipes in it, female hygiene products etc that can fall out and in our driveway.

I shouldn’t have to explain to him
How to hygienically put trash in a bag and dispose of it or tie the bag. Not his dump it into the can. He said oh I’ll go fix it but when? It was already ten pm, and I wanted to go to bed and he’s acting like he’s about to die from fatigue.

If this was one off I’d get it. I’d understand. But it’s literally every single task in our life.

I want to his separate amicably bc I wanted a husband to add value to my life not make it harder. I feel I shouldn’t have to supervise and micromanage my husband on simple daily tasks nor should I have to make lists for him constantly. It would be easier to live alone.

He doesn’t want divorce and says I should
Forgive him over and over and over and never get angry and I should always be kind with Grace and understanding. Kindness Grace and understanding don’t get me any results.

Anyone else divorce because of similar issues? Men or women.

So I’ve started to gray rock, detach and started centering myself. I want a divorce, but it’s not feasible at the moment. I’ve already told him I want a divorce.

I no longer wash his clothes, make appts for him, buy his clothes…well, basically nothing except he benefits from a clean house (he treats our home like a hotel, never even cleaning up after himself - I do without arguing bc I like a clean house). He also benefits from a home cooked meal every day because our kids like to eat together as a family and I can’t bring myself to not put extra food enough for him. There’s food in the house bc I do all the grocery shopping.

What’s really pissing me off is he constantly takes and doesn’t think of making sure there’s enough for someone else or replacing what he’s taken.

Yesterday I asked him to please replace X, because I had bought it for a special occasion and he took it. He gets pissed and says “fine if you want things separate that’s what we’ll do (I’ve asked this, but he fails to understand). Then he proceeds to tell me “I won’t even be asking you for a cup of coffee” Like WTF??? He’s “punishing” me for wanting things separate or asking him to replace what he’s taken by taking away my “privilege” of getting him coffee??? Like WTF is going on in this guys head??? 😂 I just ignored his comment and didn’t even respond.

Anyhow…so I’m asking for some advice or guidance, please. I’ve stopped asking him to clean up after himself bc I don’t want to argue. But now he’s causing me more work by just taking whatever I buy (even things for myself) and not replacing. It’s rude and inconsiderate. Am I supposed to shut up about this too and just accept it to not argue?

This gray rocking shit is hard when someone wants to be the biggest asshole on planet.

Any advice?

I’m not even sure where to start. I love my husband, I think he has some great qualities, but I don’t know if those qualities are great for me.

He has a lot of friends, he’s a social butterfly, I am not. So I’m constantly having to go places and do things with him that I don’t really want to do, but with that being said I’ve experienced a lot of things that I know I would’ve never had the chance to if not forced.

We also have been struggling with my lack of sexual desire, meaning I have 0. I’ve tried supplements, ive tried changing my diet etc. but to be honest I’ve never really been a sexual person, I just felt like i had to be when I was younger or else I was weird. So when we first got together we had sex all the time, and then after having 2 kids it’s gotten worse and worse and now it’s to the point where our sex is transactional, he does something I need done and I have sex with him. Or I just have to be really drunk.

It’s gotten so bad with that topic that I saw a text between him and his brother where my husband sent a picture of our mailbox that he finally built for me to his brother and he replied “working hard for that suction” (BJ)

I’m also not impressed with how he is with our kids, I know he works hard, I know he provides for our family, but he has no patience with them, and makes it almost not enjoyable to even do stuff as a family. BUT, when he wants to be a great dad, he’s amazing, it just doesn’t happen as much as I wish it would. Almost makes me feel like he doesn’t even want to have kids sometimes.

I don’t even know where I would start if I wanted to leave him, I know it would probably be a peaceful divorce. But I have no college degree and have been completely financially dependent on him for 8 years. I have nothing. I also don’t have anyone that could help me.

I know these things aren’t bad, definitely not bad enough for divorce. But I’m genuinely thinking I’m better off alone, I don’t want a boyfriend. I don’t want a husband, I just want to be by myself (obviously with my kids)

We are both turning 30 this year, our kids are 6 & 5, we’ve been together since 2018

Or I’m just bipolar and need to be on a lot of medication, I don’t know.

I feel like his life would be easier without me, and he could move on and find someone who fits his lifestyle better. I feel like I’m holding him back and making him miserable.

How are you tracking arguments and issues? I'm thinking a Google doc but what should I include? How it started, topic, level of detail? I don't even know where to start. Its almost always him getting triggered, reacting (either loud or mean comments) and me getting defensive either standing up for myself or kids so they know that was not an appropriate reaction. I need them to know they did nothing wrong.

Secondly, how do I stop getting into protective mode. It's been going on for so long and I feel like I can't just keep ignoring it now. It just makes things worse. I need a one liner or something to be able to calmly sa so my kids know its not them, its his reaction. I also need to stop triggering him more for the sake of my kids but the Mama Bear is strong now that Im fully fed up. (I am in therapy and working on stress and resetting my nervous system but its so hard).

my husband was the primary earner. I was laid off during the pandemic and wasn’t able to find a tech role since then. I fell into depression and anxiety and depended on him for attention and support. I did therapy and started meds but I wasn’t completely out of the woods. I cooked our meals breakfast lunch and dinner but he cleaned up after me and after our cats. I did the laundry as well. but that was it. he was tired from his job and taking care of my mental health and burned out. we stopped being intimate for over a year but he still wanted kids which i think was him avoiding the elephant in the room while still going after his dream life. we moved to another state to live near his friends who had kids as he thought that would be our support system. whilst i was still spiralling he was continuing his journey to buying a home and starting a family. we are religiously married and he wanted to marry legally once we reached those goals of moving state and buying a home. I fell apart once we bought the house and the wedding was a month away. I said I couldn’t get married and start a family under these conditions. I wasn’t happy in our marriage. I lost so much self esteem. I had no capacity for empathy. I felt like a narcissist, wanting him to plan dates or think of me in simple ways (I’ve always wanted to go bowling and never experienced mini golf and asked him for years, he didn’t do any of the planning, claiming he’s burnt out) but I wasn’t able to give emotional support or empathy when he was struggling either. We were together for 12 years. Im going to sign a quit claim deed to take my name off of the house. I have nothing to my name.

I’m moving back in with my mum in another country. Ive regressed and feel like I’ve lost everything. Im sad, bitter, and ashamed.

Logically I know it’s the best way forward. We aren’t compatible. He wants a second wife…I don’t. And the best he can assure me is that “idek if I’d be able to find one.”

I know I deserve better than to be his backup. But holy fuck. I’m dying. I’m literally dying. I feel my chest cramping. He just took his stuff and went back to his parents.

We were together for five years, married for one. No marital property. No children. I want to cry so badly. Jk im already crying.

I love him and miss him and I know this has to be done because. Because.

God idk. I’m rambling. I’m in shambles. I’m not ok. I keep hoping I’ll wake up and this will all be over and we’ll be back to where we were. Please.

Filed for divorce a few weeks ago. I moved myself (31F) and our daughter (5) back in with my parents due to circumstances at home. I finally told my husband I wanted a divorce and he completely flipped, tried to commit sui**de and I had to intervene. I think it was more about control to be honest. I am 4'11" and he is 6' 320lbs, if he wanted to he would have. Anyway, he ended up in the mental hospital for a week and I filed for divorce and also an ex parte, since I was concerned about what had happened with our daughter asleep in the same room. I'm living with my parents since he would not have had anywhere else to go. My parents house is so stressful though, and they plan to sell and move out of state.They think the best thing would be for me to move with them, at least for a time, to get my feet back under me and save money. Can't argue with the reasoning, maybe that would be best, even my attorney thinks moving wont be an issue due to the circumstances. My daughter and I both are having a hard time adjusting though. I know thats normal to a degree, but it just kills me when she cries about missing home, and I miss it too. Im sure about the divorce, but also this is so incredibly difficult and it just makes me want to forget the whole thing and go back. 💔 This is a pretty summed up version, but I guess I just need some advice or affirmation that staying with my parents would be the best thing in the long run, even if its hard in the moment.

Long time lurker, first time poster. Please be kind 🙏🏻

This is the beginning of my journey and honestly I know this is about to be hard and I need to buckle up, so I’m looking for advice from women who’ve been through something similar.

My ex and I were together for 5 years and have a 3-year-old daughter together. We were never married, but we’re both still on the lease for our home. I have always been the primary provider by a much, much, more significant margin than him. He is currently unemployed right now and has had multiple periods of unemployment over the last year+.

He’s currently staying at his sister’s house, but I’ve been allowing him to stay overnight at our house a couple nights a week to spend time with our daughter. When he stays, I leave and stay with my mom because it’s emotionally difficult. He does not contribute to rent, bills, childcare, or really any consistent expenses outside of food when he has her.

He’s pushing for 50/50 custody and I do not want that. I’ll likely be pushing for closer to 70/30 because I truly have always been the default parent and carry the majority of the parenting, financial, and logistical responsibilities.

For anyone who’s been through this:
- How much did unemployment/lack of stable housing matter?
- Did being the higher earner hurt you financially?
- Did early flexibility come back to hurt you later custody-wise?
- Anything you wish you knew at the beginning?

I’m planning to talk to a family lawyer soon, but hearing real experiences would really help right now.

Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this.

We aren’t official yet, but it’s been quite a journey. 95 days ago I was in a really rough place, I can’t tell you how many times I door dashed Panera Mac and cheese and ate it in bed. Some days I barely even got out of bed, and forget about the gym.

My husband signed the lease on his apartment on Valentine’s Day, I went to be with friends and he spent the day with his girlfriend. She came to the gym, around my friends, to hang out with my husband that day which made everyone uncomfortable. This was the catalyst to him being fired from his coaching position, though that would take another month or so to happen. He told me he could not afford to move out on his own without the $35,000 we had negotiated for him since he had so much debt. I dragged my feet a little on that, but he finally got his check on April 10th.

Since April, things have genuinely been looking up for me. I’m constantly traveling for work, so that’s helped. Q1 was quite possibly the worst 3 months of my personal life, but professionally I had the most success I’ve ever seen (a miracle, honestly). I’m on target to double what I made last year, I’ve been checking things off my bucket list, taking trips to do things I’ve always wanted to do, but was too expensive with 4 people. I’ve lost 45 pounds, and I’m pumped full of Botox (no shame here 😅). I see my oldest step daughter almost daily because she still gets the school bus off at my house, I see the youngest at her games and events when I’m around and able to attend. She gives me big hugs and tells me she loves me, her dad is there but I don’t acknowledge him at all. The last time I saw him he looked miserable. Arms crossed, gaze forward, stoic while I was laughing and joking with the kids and his first ex.

His girlfriend makes $19.75 an hour (him too, but he does have retirement/disability from the military) and stays at his apartment when the girls aren’t there. They know her, but I’m not clear on the nature of that relationship since I don’t ask. They’ve told their mom they don’t understand why they’re together, and my husband has given his girlfriend the nickname “Dillan the Villain” and calls her that in front of the girls. Honestly, that upset me more than I care to admit. I’m glad they can make a joke about imploding everyone’s lives, including the children. At the end of the day, he’s only hurting how the girls perceive her too since he literally pulled the rug out from under them as well. He’s riddled with debt and I’m waiting for the money I gave him to run out.

Overall, I’m ok. I constantly get compliments about how great I look, that I’m glowing, that I look younger (probably the Botox!). He was also always striving for the greenest grass in the neighborhood, so I made it my mission to make sure I accomplished that… and I have! By myself, and he gets to see it when he picks up his daughter from my house. I’m toying with the idea of a divorce party at our wedding venue for fun…

Ultimately, I kept the house, the dogs, the friends, the gym, my dignity and success… I don’t know if he’s feeling as good as I am in this moment, but I feel like a weights been lifted from my shoulders. I do have my moments, but they’re fleeting. Just know there’s hope on the other side.