r/Divorce_Women

TW: DV

I (33F)
Him (40M)

Long story short, my marriage ended three years ago when I caught my ex having an affair and beat me until my face was split open and unconscious. Fast forward to now, I’ve gone to therapy almost every single week, divorced my ex husband and met a wonderful man. We’ve been dating for about 5 months and got into our first “argument” this morning. The topic doesn’t really matter but he thought I was ending things. It made him angry enough that he yanked the photos of us in his room down and shoved them in my purse next to me.

For the first time in 3 years, I involuntarily flinched. And then I cried. Hard. I couldn’t stop. He was trying to understand but ultimately was upset and said it felt like I was classifying him under the same ab*ser category as my ex and that I was “punishing him too”.

I thought I’ve talked about everything with my therapist. I thought I’ve had every conversation with other DV survivors. But I was wrong. No one’s ever talked about if and when the first time something in life makes you flinch again. The ptsd that immediately floods you.

My heart hurts.

Urgent help. Ladies please don't skip and give me advice as a mother or a sister.

How is life after divorce? I really want to hear from women who have actually lived through it. Are you happier now, or do you still miss your husband and the life you once had together?

I have been married for only seven months, yet I already feel emotionally drained. My husband's sisters and relatives constantly insult me, mock me, and make me feel unwanted. The most painful part is that he has never truly stood up for me. I come from a financially well-off family, while he comes from a lower-middle-class background. I never cared about money. I never asked him for expensive gifts or a luxurious life. All I ever wanted was to be loved, respected, and protected by the person I married.

During one of our worst fights, when we were on the verge of separating, he questioned my character. Those words shattered me. Later, he apologized and said he only said those things because he wanted me to hate him enough to leave. But how do you erase words that completely break your heart?

I trusted him with some of the deepest wounds of my life. I told him that my father was abusive and shared the pain I had carried since childhood because I believed my husband would be the one person with whom I was safe and understood. But during another argument, he looked at me and said, "If you couldn't be your father's, how can you be mine?" I cannot describe how deeply those words hurt me. Every time we fight, he brings up my past, my trauma, and the things I shared with him in confidence. Instead of protecting my vulnerabilities, he uses them against me.

My in-laws have never accepted me or treated me with warmth. We cannot live separately because he has a home loan to repay, so every day feels like I am trapped in an environment where I don't feel respected or valued.

He is very controlling. He has never beaten me, but he has grabbed my hair, pushed me, and threatened to hit me. He says he would never actually do it, and a part of me wants to believe him, but another part of me is scared of what the future might look like.

The hardest part is that he is not cruel all the time. Sometimes he is incredibly loving, caring, affectionate, and makes me feel like everything will be okay. Those moments make me question myself. They make me wonder if I am overreacting or giving up too soon. They make it so much harder to decide what is right.

He also believes strongly in astrology. He once told me that if we separate, he will eventually marry someone else because an astrologer predicted that he would have two wives. He even said that his second wife would be very caring. Hearing that from the person I love broke something inside me. It made me feel as if I could be replaced so easily.

And yet, when I actually tried to leave after our last fight, he wouldn't let me go. He cried, begged me to stay, and held on to me as if he couldn't imagine losing me. That is what confuses me the most. One day he hurts me in ways I never thought possible, and the next day he cries because he doesn't want me to leave. I don't know which version of him is real anymore.

I feel so lost. I don't know what the right decision is anymore. I am still so young, and the thought of divorce terrifies me. I wonder if I will be able to survive on my own. I worry about society, about people's judgment, and about being alone. What if I leave and spend the rest of my life missing him? What if I regret walking away? But then I also wonder how long I can keep living like this.

If any woman has gone through something similar, please tell me honestly. Did life get better after divorce? Was the fear worse than the reality? I feel like I am standing at a crossroads, and I don't know which path will lead me to peace.

I keep thinking I’m figuring it out and feeling ok, then life slaps me on the face again. Sorry if my thoughts and ranting doesn’t seem cohesive.

Short back story: 45f Husband left in February me for someone else after 26 years of marriage. He had been seeing her for “6 months” before I found her underwear in my laundry.

We are separated but he’s still helping and paying for everything until we sell the house. It feels like he’s really dragging his feet on it. Financially it’s good for me, but starting to be emotionally draining. He also has told no one, so to the outside world he still has his happy life, and then he has his new happy “secret” life. Some days I think I’m just going to go tell everyone, but I also don’t want all the pity from everyone, so I’m in limbo with myself there.

This past week he said he would be out of state for a few days because her brother died in a car wreck. The next day I woke up with chest and back pains and ended up taking myself to the ER. (Costochondritis apparently)

We have no kids, my only family is my Mother, who is terrible and only makes everything worse, so I didn’t tell her. I really have tried with her but she’s only concerned about herself & makes everything about herself . When I told her we were separating she asked If one of us found someone. I said yes he did. She said she thought it would have been me, but as long as he’s happy then she’s happy for him. He does a lot of work fixing things around her house and she doesn’t want to jeopardize her free labor.

I almost texted him about the ER but thought what was the point, not like he’s going to leave her and come sit with me.

So I was alone in the ER and thought, well, this is my life.
I’m going to die alone and in pain with no one to love me & nothing to look forward to.

I’ve never been one to burn things to the ground when they go sideways but sometimes that’s what I feel like I need to do, but that scares me. I’m also exhausted. If I could afford to leave my job I might move farther away but I can’t do that either.

I feel like I’m being a whiny baby, but when does the despair eventually pass?

Does anyone still believe in these phrases after being divorced? Have you experienced a connection like this since? Did you feel this way when meeting your previous marital partner?

I believe I have and I'd just like some validation that this isn't crazy and does happen. I'm struggling just letting myself go and enjoy this person and the amazing connection we have because it feels like nothing I've experienced before and obviously the complete opposite of what I had with my ex.

"Too good to be true" continues to ring in my ear, but no matter what he shows up, communicates incredibly, validates me, really listens and loves learning about me. I genuinely feel like a priority in his life.

Hi everyone

So I’ve been married for 27 years and most of those years I have been the sole financial provider and involved parent. We have 7 kids, 3 are minors.
Basically a married single mom. In my older years, I’m 45, I have decided I want to work on making myself happy.
I have brought up divorce but he refuses to leave. I am looking at some consultations to start the divorce process. Honestly I don’t think he loves me and I’m just a convenience for him. There is no physical reason he can’t work, he just doesn’t. My issue right now is that he has threatened to hurt himself if we divorce and I don’t know how to handle that. Has anyone else had experience with this and did it change your decision to divorce?

I am completely alone. My husband was verbally and financially abusive to me. He barely helped with day to day basic things. To top it off my mom and brother got sick 2 years ago and are now completely disabled and dependent on me. To top it off because I was so consumed with their care my best friends pretty much abandoned me because I couldn't go to brunch or their kids sports games, birthdays etc. I have 2 kids 9 and 6 who are the l8ves of my life but I've been holding everything together pretty much completely alone and with no one to talk to. I saw one of my best friends through a horrible divorce but when I reached out and shared my struggles after not talking to her for a while she completely ghosted me.

I'm just sitting here trying to get through summer with my disabled mom and brother and my 2 kids home from school. I saved up for the kidsto go to camp so I had somewhat of a break and my husband used the money for his addictions and I was unable to pay. Im overwhelmed and losing my mind. Im writing this and sobbing in the bathroom, all alone, as usual.

I feel im losing myself and the drive to to the things that used to make me happy. Im a reiki and sound healer and even that was taken from me when they decided to knock down the building I used for my practice. I just feel so lost and alone.

I’ve (35f) been thinking about divorce for about a year. We have a 5 year old and he’s a great dad and a good person. I have love for him but he’s not my soulmate.

Last year we went to therapy. I was/am frustrated that I have grown as a person getting sober, meeting new people, trying new hobbies and even thriving at work. He hasn’t changed. He still has the same high school and college friends, plays video games, doesn’t take care of his body, and complains constantly about work. Nothing has changed. When I bring it up in and out of therapy there’s still no change.

But the thing is that he isn’t a bad person. He doesn’t kill bugs, he’s a great dad, people think he’s nice.

I’m not miserable I just don’t feel like he’s my soulmate and with a 5 year old it’s hard to feel like maybe I’m being selfish. Or maybe I wait until our 5 year old is 18. I don’t know. It’s almost like it would be easier if he was a bad person. But he hasn’t done anything wrong, he’s just not growing as a person.

Won’t bore you with too many details. I (female 26) want to divorce my husband (male 26). We’ve been “together” since we were 14. We didn’t get married until 24. Even then I knew our relationship was in shambles, but like an idiot, I married him anyway. He’s always had this tenancy to talk to me in a very intense, condescending tone. It is always his way or the highway. Everytime I think I have a valid point, he finds away to logically explain how I am wrong, and he is right. And most of the time I can’t even argue with him because the way he argues, he actually makes sense. I’ll add though, I recall on our honeymoon, he called me a “dumb a** bi***” because I forgot the credit card I used to book the rental car. There’s been multiple situations similar since when, like when we had a 6 hour argument over me tying a plastic bag with our food in it. I always find a way to validate how he treats me. I don’t communicate well. I have low aspirations. I shut down and blank out during arguments, so usually he has the high ground. I know I’m a bad wife. I don’t do all of my wifely duties. All he wants is for us to “build up our lives and succeed” and that is so valid. But the way he treats me, his criticism, his condescending tone, I’m exhausted. Everytime there’s something he slightly disagrees with, it’s met with the this tone that makes him sound like he’s sick and tired or talking to this idiotic imbecile. His aspirations are no longer worth it. I need to leave, but I cannot bear the failure or being a divorced at only 26. How did you do it? How did you make the decision to leave? What have your the confidence? Did you for back to your parents house? What was their reaction? When did you know enough was enough? Please help me. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

I have been with my husband 3.5 years. We were only dating for a few months before I got pregnant. For context, I was his first relationship ever and I was scared that he was just infatuated and in hindsight we moved way too quickly. When I found out I was pregnant all of a sudden he wanted to be mr. self righteous and do things "the right way" and not sleep in the same room with me etc until we got married (we still had intimate relations but now he claims I basically forced him which is BS). I have resented him for years for not stepping up and for making me feel like I was horrible for not wanting to sleep alone and be alone while I was pregnant. Right before we got married I found out he lied about money and also his family was trying to convince him to not even marry me... he has always allowed them to walk all over me and any time I'm ever upset he wants to play devil's advocate and say that even though they show blatant favoritism to my SIL that I need to just let it go.

I now have 2 small kids (2.5 and 8 months) and I can't deal with this anymore. He constantly will do this thing where when we fight he takes things I shared in vulnerability and uses them against me to hurt me because he's upset. Ex. I cut my parents off at the hospital after giving birth the second time and I confided that I feel so alone and hurt and like no one cares about me... then we fight and he goes "well if it weren't for me no one would care for you at all. that's why your parents don't care and don't reach out"... I have started to notice that even when he says sorry after that I've never forgiven him and that these little things said in the heat of the moment have started to tear down my selfworth and identinty. I have asked for years to go to couples therapy and he doesn't want to because "he doesn't need to go" Now today he's saying he can go because I think it will help (which defeats the purpose because that tells me he just wants me to fix myself because nothing is wrong with him)

this is where it gets complicated. I start working again because I need a backup so I can potentially leave. I have the kindest coworker. He is the opposite of my husband because he understands me, we have similar backgrounds, he is incredibly emotionally intelligent etc. He anticipates needs I may have and is always checking on me. I recently told him I have kids and despite that he is still interested in me. I'm so scared of making the choice to leave my husband. I feel guilty and like I failed. i'm mourning the life I thought we would have. I don't want to not see my kids everyday. I don't want to leave him for the possibility of someone else when the reality is that could also not work. I've been wanting to leave for years but this coworker was the push I needed but I feel so guilty in general and don't know what to do. I have no support since I have no family and few friends now and I just need encouragment and advice.

My stbxh is purposely being difficult in order to increase my divorce costs. I recently texted and emailed him my bank account info so he could deposit monthly maintenance. Did he deposit it? No! Then I hear from my lawyer that his lawyer sent a letter asking for my bank account info. Ugh! He has been refusing to engage for over 2 years.

He refuses to do anything which requires me to get lawyer to contact his lawyer, which costs me every damn time. He has repeatedly refused to give full financial disclosure, dissipates assets, everything to make things more difficult and costly, knowing I don't have income as I have been a SAHM for 25 years. I have to borrow from my parents to pay the lawyers.

To make this all worse, everything he has done he claims I do/did. And yet my children and I are victims of his horrid abuse. He belongs in jail for what he did and I pray he will go there one day. (Not exaggerating, just don't want to go there.) I have been trying so hard to help my children heal but this divorce and his behavior is making it much more difficult.

Just needed to vent.

It’s been 5 months since my ex moved out, following a 9 month separation. My divorce came through recently.
I have been testing the waters on dating sites and am finding the men I contact so incapable of having a proper two way conversation. It’s been really hard finding any men who are even remotely interesting or attractive at the higher end of 50s. And then when I email them I get blunted responses about whatever they want to say. I try and tell them about my life and my interests and values and they just ignore all that and tell me stuff they like or they are interested in. It feels like all they want is an audience for their life and their interests and I’m just there to make them feel seen and heard. One man just kept sharing his poetry with me which I admired but then I tried to talk about other things I was up to and he just ignored that and the questions I asked. So I didn’t reply. Felt like a bystander in his show. Ten days later he sends a message saying he wants to conclude things unless I’ve had an emergency to explain why I’ve not replied. Ffs. Then another guy, a busy doctor kept emailing short messages about what he’s reading and doing, not responding to my queues or questions. Met him and he was nice - he asked me out. He texted a few times but when I suggested meeting again he went quiet. I think he’s married. Another guy, very bright and another poet just bombarded me with stories of travel and friends and his love of nature etc but again never responded to what I said or asked. He was very polite and interested so I made a joke and he responded to all my questions but then the next 3 emails I sent got back completely unrelated replies including topics he was interested in like walking in woods, what podcast he was listening to. He did invite me to join him and his mate for a walk but he lives an hour and quarter drive away and I said I work and have ME so I need rest at weekends and a coffee somewhere local would suit me better. He doesn’t work and has a car and never offered to come over to meet me. Just said he was very disappointed I wasn’t available for the walk as he really wanted to meet me and make his summer shine. I then said look this isn’t really a two way conversation as we seem to be at cross purposes. He didn’t get it. I said thanks but no thanks - don’t like feeling like I spoke but nobody heard me!!
Has anyone else experienced this and felt men these days just have no communication skills or any emotional IQ or they think if they give speeches and dominate the discussion they will impress you. It’s really disrespectful and boring. What is wrong with them?!!

To sum everything up as short as possible, my STBXH moved out January of 2025. We had been living as roommates for years, probably close to 10 years for the sake of our child, with no intimacy. We both decided if we wanted a partner we would then move out and deal with everything at that time. In hindsight I know that wasn’t the best move, but it worked in the moment and my child was happy which was my main concern. Anyway, I found out he had been dating someone for close to a year and there is other stuff that he did (way too much to type out) that disrespected myself and my daughter, so I asked him to move out the same night. He did and it’s been just us.

We’re still going through the divorce process but it’s been incredibly lonely and I’d love to connect with someone but I’m not sure where to start. I read the horror stories about dating sites and it scares me as a plus size woman. I’m also working out to lose weight for myself and to be healthy overall. If I’m being honest I’m totally fine with a casual hookup as well. Or even someone to chat with.

I turned 40 this year and my daughter turned 18 so I have way more free time than I’m used to. My dog loves my free time at home but I’d like to go out more and have some intimacy. Any advice?

I don’t know why I’m posting this. Last days have been really rough for me and I hope this will help me a little bit.
I’m 27, and my husband is 28. We have two daughters—our oldest is almost 2 years old, and our youngest is just 3 months old.
A year ago, I thought I knew exactly what my future looked like. We were building our family. We were preparing for our second daughter. We had just bought our very first home together. We signed a mortgage, talked about decorating the girls’ rooms, and imagined watching them grow up there.
Instead… During my third trimester, my husband started an affair. Ten days before I gave birth to our youngest daughter, he left me and 2 hours later went to his mistress. Three days later, we got the keys to the house we had bought together.
Instead of walking through that front door as a family, I moved wirh my toddler into that house alone.
Today, he’s still in a relationship with the woman he cheated on me with.
One of the hardest things for me is that he separates the affair from his decision to leave. He says cheating wasn’t my fault, but that his decision to end our marriage was because our relationship had become too difficult.. Those words have stayed with me ever since. I’ve spent months questioning myself as a wife, as a mother, and as a person. The hardest part is knowing I wasn’t perfect while also knowing I wasn’t the only person responsible for what happened. Looking back, I truly believed that if two people loved each other enough, almost anything could be worked through.
Oddly enough… The affair and divorce isn’t what hurts me the most anymore. What hurts the most is grieving the future I genuinely believed I would have. I thought we’d raise our daughters together. I thought we’d have one home. One Christmas morning. One birthday celebration. One set of family traditions. One ordinary life together. Instead, I’m slowly trying to accept a future I never wanted.
Right now, he only comes to visit the girls because our youngest is still only three months old. Our oldest has hardly ever spent time alone with him because throughout almost her entire life, I’ve been her primary caregiver. I know that eventually this will change. There will come a day when they spend weekends with him.
When they build memories without me. When they celebrate birthdays or holidays that I’m not part of.
I know this is reality for many divorced families. But knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less. The idea that parts of my daughters’ childhood will happen without me absolutely breaks my heart. Not because I don’t think they deserve a father. But because I never imagined missing pieces of their lives. I never imagined having to share Christmases. Or birthdays. Or hearing about memories instead of living them with them.
None of this was my choice. I didn’t choose divorce. I didn’t choose to become a single mother. I didn’t choose for my daughters to grow up between two parents.
Yet I’m the one who has to learn how to live with all of it.
I don’t want him back anymore. Too much has happened. Too much trust has been broken.
I want peace. I want to stop replaying every conversation in my head. I want to stop wondering if I somehow destroyed my own family. I want to stop grieving a future that no longer exists.
I’m so hurt and just grieving the loss of the life I truly believed I was going to have and having to split my children.

Brief background: in late February my partner and husband of 26 years told me he wanted out of our marriage - self-indulgence masked as self-actualization, e.g., happiness seeking with another woman as he was already seeing a colleague of both of ours that is 18-years younger (he is nearly 67 she is 48). It was devastating, I both was caught completely off-guard, but also knew he was capable of this type of behavior as he has done this before with previous wives (longer story and not necessary for this post). He literally told me and I have not seen him since, he has come by the house to get some of things twice - but mainly he just left. He was very cruel when we did talk by phone after this happened (we only talked twice for about 15 mins) so I have not seen, nor talked to him since he left. I have communicated only by email, and very transactional. This is all despite the fact that we have to communicate because all three of us have intersecting professional circles.

I have done all the work - I hired a certified divorce financial analyst and worked through an equitable asset division; I hired an attorney to execute the marital settlement agreement that I wrote; I have packed his things up in the house that I am taking in the agreement (we have two houses); and packed up his thing in our primary residence because I am living there for another year. It will be officially over sometime later this month. I still have some sadness, not for losing the man he is, but for the man I thought he was. But mostly, I am feeling hopeful. I am embracing my future and not dwelling on the past. I am still lonely sometimes but am not going to reach out for a new intimate relationship until I feel that my baggage won't be a part of the discussion. I have started finding social events to engage with though (meetup is a great place, it is not for dating, but just social, highly recommend this!).

I will tell you all these things I have learned:

1. Take back your agency, do the work to protect your interests, but do it quietly, gently and without emotion (this is very hard - but it is in *your* best interest to do it this way - save your emotion for your friends/family/support system - not him).
2. Lean hard on your support system, find people you can call when you need to vent, don't call him (even if you are on good terms).
3. It *does* get better -- visualize *your* space/new home/future, every day spend at least 5 mins thinking about this. Slowly, too slowly, this will become the more present thought and regrets/sadness/anger will fade.
4. Be the better person - don't try to push the justice/fairness that might be justified - you need to be accountable only for your actions. I might say this is most important to remember, because while we are going through this we will want to say and do totally understandable (and justifiable) things - but it won't change the situation, and you don't want to feel regret (in the future) on top of everything else. It is better to know that you are a true and good person, no matter what situation others create, than to give in to base instincts (even when justified, I will say that again :)).
5. Try to find other people around you that need support -- be their support. This has really helped me get out of my own head and sadness. There are lots of people in your circle who are likely going through their own things - being *their* support will help you too - volunteer if you have time. This really has helped me - I couldn't do it the first couple of months while I was processing - but since then I have found this to really help me a lot.

Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, know that there is no *right way* to deal with this - you just need to do the best you can to get through the day.

I have wanted a divorce for over a year. He wants to fix everything he “has been doing wrong” . I felt horrible because I just wanted time and space and separation , and all he is seeing is that I hate him because he isn’t acting a certain way or that I wanted to see other people. He started by cleaning up everyday keeping the house spotless doing every chore. Which was great but every time I saw the completed chores I felt guilty. I would go to him and say” I don’t want you doing all the chores I prefer to do certain ones please don’t think this is what has caused me to want a divorce “ he would lighten up on it and we would get a good rhythm of half and half chores and taking turns doing the dishes which he would absolutely throw a fit over having to do the dishes before. He would always check with me saying” this break doesn’t mean we are seeing other people right” this made me worried because I feel he thinks my intentions is to cheat on him but I genuinely need time and space away “so I can remember how to love him” is what I said. I genuinely believe I have lost my soul connection with him. Then he will complete stop doing everything and back to his old ways of not helping with anything getting an attitude when I ask him for help and wants me to wait on him . I feel he isn’t interested in me anymore he just wants to keep me on the shelf and away from other people with different points of view. I feel like if we had some time apart and maybe some space we could find that kindness and love for each other again. Our kids are 4 and 2 we have been in the parenting trenches as well as life trenches lost a couple of job for both parents and we moved like 4 times since the kids. We have no support family wise he has a sister and brother really close as well as a grandpa and his mom is around but they don’t have a good relationship. My dad is dead and I have cut my mother off due to crazy circumstances. I have 5 siblings but everyone lives hours from each other plus we don’t speak because of the crazy circumstances with my mother. His mom and sister always have made excuses for his behavior as well as making me out to be the bad guy because I think his wrong in a situation 😑 he is never wrong to them ever. Like blind to everything he does. They always turn situations back on me. I’m not allowed to have an opinion and have to praise him basically. I have told him about his family so he doesn’t let me go around them like if we get invited to lunch only he goes or will cancel and I get blamed. I genuinely want to be happy in life and love again. I want peace I have spent my entire life walking on egg shells. I want to be able to feel my emotions and not mask them because of someone else. I want to feel safe and shame free. I want to be able to just express what I want and it happens, not something I have to dream about. I guess my question would be should I stay or should I go? I have came to the point of I need to make a decision.

My husband (29M) and I (26F) have been together for 6 years, married for 2. We used to be like best friends. Had great chemistry. I was sexually attracted to him. However, over the course of our relationship he has not shown me that he can be a responsible adult. I am in management at my job, so it’s exhausting to come home and play household/project manager. There were definitely signs of this before we got married but I thought he would grow up when we vowed to take care of each other. Hindsight is 20/20.

I am in charge of all of our house chores as well as yard work. The only chores that I have got him to do consistently without me asking (anymore) is cleaning the floors and scooping the litter boxes. I have tried just not doing anything and letting the house go to hell. And when it does get bad he doesn’t lift a finger. If the lawn gets too long, he won’t go mow it.

He refuses to make dentist appointments even though he has a growing cavity on his front tooth. (I feel like he’s waiting for me to do it for him)

He doesn’t cook and won’t try to cook. So that (and grocery shopping) are on me as well. I have been extremely burned out lately and I haven’t been cooking which has resulted in a lot of fast food. Which also sucks because I am the heaviest I have ever been and feel incredibly self conscious.

He has never cheated. I know that he loves me. But I’ve expressed how much this hurts me over the last 6 years and there has been zero change. I am worried I am going to spend the rest of my life unhappy. I want to hang on to our marriage and hope that it changes. But … I’m at the point where I don’t think he’s going to.

I feel like an idiot because there are so many women who have it way harder than I do. And maybe I should suck it up. But I have been so unhappy for a while now. I guess I’m not sure who to turn to.

My procrastination is done. My waffling is done. My trying to be understanding is done.

7/4/26 approximately 7:55 pm. That was the straw.

I have hashimotos and the heat easily wipes me out. I've been trying to stay inside as much as possible in this heat. Seriously, just walking to my car can wipe me out.

Thursday we went to the drive in. I was trying to be supportive (stupid me). The double feature was toy story 5 and mandalorian. My husband really really wanted to see Mando, but missed it in theaters. Our son surprisingly liked it. But we got home around 2am. So, staying up late and everything already set me up.

Friday we went to a local playroom to celebrate our son's fourth birthday. Lots of running around and the heat was obnoxious that day.

Today, Saturday, is my husband's aunt's birthday. She has become like a suragote mom, as his my died when he was 25. We had barely been married a year. Her battle with cancer failed. His aunt hasn't overstepped boundaries by any means, but she is a genuinely good person, the world doesn't deserve her.

Did my husband remember to get his amazing aunt anything for her birthday? Her easy to remember birthday? No. "We can't afford anything!"

That was his complaint Friday. I'm out of work due to my mental health crashing out. Gee, I wonder how that happened. Again. I insisted I was doing the IOP to give me time to recover and figure out what to do next. Go see me "am I stupid" post regarding finances.

But it felt dismissive that me taking time to address my mental health was a financial burden. I'm not on vacation. I'm still doing housework, taking our son to school and therapy. Plus three days a week three hours a day having mini breakdowns during group therapy. Sorry you can't eat McDonald's breakfast lunch and dinner anymore.

So, I tell my husband we'll get some craft stuff from the store, I have a credit card with a little balance on it. Our son can decorate something and we can give it to her. She deserves something. Our son loves his great aunt and was really excited to do a craft AND do it with Mommy.

Before leaving I ask my husband if he's coming, because I'm also going to do some grocery shopping. No. He's staying home. Seriously? Whatever.

Spent about 1.5, 2 hours in the store with our Audhd four year old. Get home and I'm already feeling exhausted. I had needed a cup of coffee with breakfast (as usual I was the last to eat) and I had to grab another cup while we were out. My new meds for mental health have worked so well I haven't needed coffee. So, needing two cups this morning was concerning.

I figured out something for lunch after putting away everything by myself. I told my husband I was going to the bedroom to decompress. No worries, he says. He's got the kiddo. Awesome! And no passive aggressive whining or huffing and puffing. I ate in peace. He fed our son without son looking for me. Yay!

It's around 1:30 now.

I go to tell my son it's naptime. He's barely eaten lunch. We do body led eating. Yes, our son is still feeling hungry. But he's completely distracted by the tv. My husband had turned it on and got distracted, AGAIN, by his phone. He jumped on his phone while we were at the playroom. Once our son said he was finished we went upstairs and I, yet again, put our son down for a nap. Alone. He fell asleep around 2.

Around 5 our son wakes up. And I'm feeling a sudden crash. Like, I am struggling to keep my eyes open. No worries, dear, says my husband. He takes our son downstairs again so I can rest. I pass out.

It's now around 7:30. My husband is rushing our son through the bedtime routine and barely giving me any time to wake up, expecting our son to just lay down and go to sleep, so my husband can do what?

DM his fing d&d campaign.

By 7:55 I'm awake but groggy. Our son is wired. And he gets like this when he's overstimulated and another need hasn't been met. Which means he's either hungry, thirsty or both. Fffffffuuuu-

"Buddy, did Daddy feed you?"

"Uhhh, noooo!!!" As he jumps around on the bed.

I go downstairs to my husband's office "did you feed him since he woke up from nap?"

He has his oh shit I forgot face.

Are.

You.

Serious!!!

This isn't the first time!!! He's forgotten to change our son, feed him, bathe him!!! Etc!!!! Omg! No wonder I'm constantly having breakdowns!!!

Our son wants to go in to see my husband who is now t minus a minute from starting d&d and I say "no, buddy. You can't see Daddy. You need to eat dinner and daddy is about to play his game." I don't care if his feelings were hurt. My husband's, not our son's.

I feed our son. And it takes forever because we live in suburbia and everyone is shooting fireworks around our house. They're still firing them and it's 10:10pm as I'm typing this.

I was by myself keeping our son focused on eating, not getting freaked out by the fireworks, and finally going to sleep.

This. This is why I want a divorce.

My husband will complain that he has really bad ADHD!!! He's depressed and burnt out worrying about me and our son, work, etc!!!

I, also, have ADHD. My executive functioning is atrocious. My short term memory is atrocious. I also have bipolar and BPD. I have PTSD and cptsd. I have multiple disabilities. And I still figure out a way to support our son. And I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until I was 35. He didn't believe I had it for a long time. Going on Adderall shut him up because it showed drastic improvements.

My husband refuses to do anything about his health. I've stopped managing it. I told him shortly after our son was born I couldn't take care of my appointments, our son's and my husband's. "When am I supposed to schedule appointments?" Idk, ask your coworkers!

I also told my husband after our son was born I wasn't doing his laundry anymore. I do all of the laundry. I couldn't do his, mine, the babies and the towels/linens. He was all huffy about that, too.

He has narcolepsy. He has some many signs and symptoms. He refuses to get tested. He just falls asleep, practically passes out, throughout the day if he's not working. God forbid I do it! And God forbid that he remembers to feed our son!!!

So, I'm done. Monday morning I'm calling around. I can't do this anymore. I won't do it anymore.

How long did your divorce take? I just need to share and feel supported right now. Holidays are hard.

I should have divorced him a long time ago. It’s been 16 years and I’m finally sticking to the decision to leave him, but after a marriage of covering for him and making him look good (to kids too) it’s hard for people to understand why I would leave. We married after 5 years of dating when I became pregnant. But it always felt like he hated me. I just wanted him to be happy. His drinking was so bad when the kids were little. He was never ever around…sometimes “working” 80 hours a week (for a salaried position that only required 40), but in reality he was with his friends drinking for much of it. He would come home and verbally, sometimes physically, come after me but never took accountability because he was blackout drunk. I was isolated with the kids in housing provided by his boss on a property we had to get approval to have visitors. I tried hard to build small businesses from home and teach fitness classes but ultimately, with 3 kids 5 and under, it was just too hard to grow those to a meaningful income and I eventually backed off (also my husband frequently telling me I wasn’t making enough money, no matter how hard I tried).

Now we live in a home that’s too big and too expensive but it’s what he wanted to keep up appearances so I didn’t question it. I thought if he was happy and had what he wanted he’d finally want me. But he blames me for everything and I’m tired of begging for scraps and not getting even an ounce of attention, recognition or love.

About 3 years ago I first told him I wanted to divorce him. He go mad, canceled my access to bank accounts, took the car keys and threatened me. I eventually backed down and said we’d give it time. Then I hired a lawyer and we started the process, but he begged me not to for financial reasons and for the kids. So I drop it and…shocker…things got worse. This time I’m not backing down. I need out for my sake and the kids. And, of course, few people believe me because why would they? I never once mentioned the abuse, control manipulation until now.

I filed for divorce 7 months ago and we have only had one mediation. I feel disappointed by my lawyer who seemed, at first, to be a woman who understood and would fight for me. We have another mediation in 6 weeks, but based on how my stbx showed up in the first mediation (suddenly wanting sole custody, trying to demand i live in same town as him, and learning between our business and his on-a-whim purchases we are millions in debt with a literal loan on everything we own). He is happy as a clam right now. Like he doesn’t have a care in the world because knowing I’m miserable and trapped seems to be one of the few things he enjoys. As such, I have a feeling this could go to trial, but I cannot keep living here. I’d love to move but we live a rural life and my kids (now 11-14) and dogs and livestock are part of what makes it hard to just save up and rent something (plus I don’t have high enough income to support that and he would never allow family funds for that).

I know i know…I was so stupid to let myself get into this trap. Looking back I see how naive I was. But I’m hoping someone has some support, insight or just kind words of encouragement. How long did your divorce take? And please tell me it will get better…..there is so much grief inside me.