u/Wrong-Wasabi-8321

For context, my husband and I have been in couples therapy for the third time in our marriage, this latest stint was 10 months or so. I finally felt like I was at the point where I had enough and couldn't keep working on things (our dynamic was emotionally very toxic and I could tell there would likely not be any change). I started losing attraction to him and had to take a break from sex for a few weeks. Finally, he started getting really angry with me about not being physically intimate and I kept explaining to him that I really needed some time to process everything, figure myself out, and try to find my way back to him after the very hard year-18 months we had. Well, we had landed on separating, had a conversation about it, and it was a sad scene for sure. That said, we hadn't officially made any plans or definitively decided to actually divorce. The next night I get a weird text and come to find out, he said that same evening he sent explicit photos to someone on a local reddit thread and was being extorted for it. He tells me he had seen these subreddits before, but never acted on anything and this was while we were still very much in couples therapy and having sex. For some reason, I am even MORE confused about getting a divorce now and am so afraid of losing him and being single. I am 40 and feel like I'll never find real love again and am scared to be a single mom to two small kids. Is this normal to feel this way after a shocking revelation and when you are about to actually separate from someone? I can't tell if I actually want to try again or if I am just dealing with grief and complex emotions from this situation. He seems to be fully checked out and acknowledges he has completely destroyed my trust in him, so he is ready to leave too. I am devastated and feel rejected, alone, old and discarded but wonder if I shouldn't have taken my physical break from him and brought this upon myself.

I can only give highlights of what has occurred over the last 18 months-2 years or so. I am in that very difficult "limbo" of knowing I actually do want a divorce very badly, but terrified of what it will do to my kids (ages 4 and 7). We have had issues here and there throughout our relationship, particularly after our first daughter was born, but these "problems" have escalated to a relentless point and I am so done with trying and actually want to be single (I am very afraid of dating - I am 40 and worried about being a single mom), but have a hope of finding someone who I am compatible with and would treat me well.

My partner has been emotionally abusive and his behaviors have increased dramatically in the past year or so. I think it is mainly because of our marital problems but sense something else is going on as well. He oscillates between being kind and sweet/attentive to me and the kids, and then swings back into his deep moods and is brooding or aggressive. Some of his behaviors, though seldom, have crossed into domestic abuse (punching, throwing, verbal abuse) though he has never actually hit any of us, he did put his hands on our older daughter once when he was particularly irritable. There have been a couple of other risky things he has done which I won't list here. Our daughters don't *seem* to be super affected by this, though, and they do love their dad. He is mostly a good dad, but from my perspective, the romantic relationship aspect of our marriage is completely dead. I have no desire left in me whatsoever. I haven't listed all the things he has done here either and I acknowledge my role in the relationship as well and the contribution to its demise. He seems to go back and forth between being done himself but then tells me he loves me and appreciates me.

What is keeping me around is the severe impact on children in a divorce. I don't know what to expect as far as my husband's behavior if and when we do split and because I personally hide my absolute misery from them pretty well and am a functional, attentive mom, I don't know that divorce is a good idea. Should I stay and white knuckle it? Should we keep trying? I do not want to continue couples therapy, it has been nearly a year and it just seems to make it all worse and is a profound source of anxiety for me.

My husband and I are having serious issues with communication (I guess?) but in reality, it feels like he just truly hates my guts. I genuinely try to approach him with any needs or frustrations I have in a calm manner, use "I" statements as best I can - though I know I may mess that up sometimes, but it's never really communicated in a way that would trigger a person to fly into a rage.

From my perspective, he has mood swings that are unpredictable at times and I do think how he perceives/receives me in a given moment is impacted by said moods. Once in a while, we can talk about something that isn't necessarily pleasant and it won't trigger him in a way that causes him to treat me with contempt (eye rolling, sarcasm, yelling, passive aggression). He does stonewall as well and requires "space" for sometimes 1-2 days and will withhold affection/be completely different to me for reasons I don't fully know and he himself says "he doesn't understand his feelings yet".

We are in couples therapy (multiple times throughout our marriage) and there have been instances of name calling. I know I am not perfect and have said some things to him I regret, but I assure you that I do not engage in the disrespectful stuff he does (fairly regularly) and I'm starting to realize that he just does not respect me as a person. What is confusing is he is a good dad and does his part around the house, has a decent job, and does treat me nicely when he wants to. He usually loves to have sex with me when he is in the mood and I do wonder if his good mood/treatment of me is when he feels he is getting the physical aspect of his needs met.

I am at my wits end and am unable to really focus on my job and life in general, this is really eating at me and I do not know what to do. My kids love their dad and I am very scared of what life after divorce could look like. I don't know if he'd be a cooperative co parent and I don't want to bring up divorce again until I KNOW I am sure of it. The marriage looks decent on paper but behind closed doors, emotionally it is very confusing and even scary at times. I feel remorse in some ways as I wonder if I caused this? He is mostly a lovely person in public and to literally everyone else in his life except me, which really destroys me to think about.

There are more things that have occurred in the marriage that are pretty toxic but the above are the main, persistent problems. I am feeling scared and lonely and just need some advice from people who have gone through the same thing. Did you keep trying? Did things actually get better for the long haul? Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

My husband and I are having serious issues with communication (I guess?) but in reality, it feels like he just truly hates my guts. I genuinely try to approach him with any needs or frustrations I have in a calm manner, use "I" statements as best I can - though I know I may mess that up sometimes, but it's never really communicated in a way that would trigger a person to fly into a rage.

From my perspective, he has mood swings that are unpredictable at times and I do think how he perceives/receives me in a given moment is impacted by said moods. Once in a while, we can talk about something that isn't necessarily pleasant and it won't trigger him in a way that causes him to treat me with contempt (eye rolling, sarcasm, yelling, passive aggression). He does stonewall as well and requires "space" for sometimes 1-2 days and will withhold affection/be completely different to me for reasons I don't fully know and he himself says "he doesn't understand his feelings yet".

We are in couples therapy (multiple times throughout our marriage) and there have been instances of name calling. I know I am not perfect and have said some things to him I regret, but I assure you that I do not engage in the disrespectful stuff he does (fairly regularly) and I'm starting to realize that he just does not respect me as a person. What is confusing is he is a good dad and does his part around the house, has a decent job, and does treat me nicely when he wants to. He usually loves to have sex with me when he is in the mood and I do wonder if his good mood/treatment of me is when he feels he is getting the physical aspect of his needs met.

I am at my wits end and am unable to really focus on my job and life in general, this is really eating at me and I do not know what to do. My kids love their dad and I am very scared of what life after divorce could look like. I don't know if he'd be a cooperative co parent and I don't want to bring up divorce again until I KNOW I am sure of it. The marriage looks decent on paper but behind closed doors, emotionally it is very confusing and even scary at times. I feel remorse in some ways as I wonder if I caused this? He is mostly a lovely person in public and to literally everyone else in his life except me, which really destroys me to think about.

There are more things that have occurred in the marriage that are pretty toxic but the above are the main, persistent problems. I am feeling scared and lonely and just need some advice from people who have gone through the same thing. Did you keep trying? Did things actually get better for the long haul? Thanks in advance for your thoughts.