Married with a kid - need big sister advice.
I’m 32F, married for 8 years and together for 9. We started out long-distance.
Ever since we got married, I’ve felt that we’re fundamentally incompatible. On paper, my husband looks like a happy, fun, easygoing person. But he’s a very different person behind closed doors - he angers easy, have punched a wall and some boxes (separate incidents), doesn’t like to travel or enjoy anything like going for walks, sitting in the backyard, doing gardening or yard maintenance. If he could help it, all he’d focus on would be going to job/making money. Previously, i thought it’s because we have been struggling financially but 8 years later, things have not improved on any front.
Major life changes seem to stress him out immensely. His pattern is usually: he shuts down and doesn’t communicate → resentment builds → anger, condescension, and sometimes gaslighting. I’ve called him out on the gaslighting, and he acknowledges it when we talk about it, but the pattern is still incredibly exhausting.
Ex: Our finances after marriage
When we got married, his mother was overseeing the finances on his side because he was living abroad. She mismanaged things, and we ended up in severe financial turmoil almost immediately.
Instead of telling me what was happening, he went completely silent. We’d get invited to dinners or trips, and he would become incredibly stressed but wouldn’t explain why. Instead, I was made to feel like I wasn’t being understanding enough.
It was a major turn-off for me, but I grew up with very controlling/oppressive parents, so it took me years to peel back those layers and realize that I actually was behaving like a reasonable newlywed. I was expecting communication, not asking for something unreasonable.
Another major issue is Travel, gifts and communication
In eight years of marriage, we’ve probably taken four overnight trips together.
I come from a family that loves travelling. He’s the complete opposite. It’s almost always “finances,” and while I understand that money can be tight, I also see people with far fewer resources finding ways to travel or create experiences together. We went for an overnight trip last week and on our way back, we discussed the possibility of coming back for a longer trip during September long weekend. The next day, i started the conversation after work and he immediately shut down. That night, we had a fight (he was being very angry, so I told him i’ll do the bedtime with our daughter and so he got mad at me).
We didn’t talk much for a few days afterwards (because I thought he owes me an apology for his behaviour). Finally we had a conversation about it on the weekend and the reasons he cited for being mad at me just blew my mind. He was mad at me for bringing up travelling when we had JUST come back from another trip. I clarified that I only brought it up since that was what we had discussed and I wanted to book the hotels on time because of a long weekend. At that point, he said I SHOULD KNOW that we have expenses coming up - daughter’s birthday, a potential international trip at the end of the year. I totally agree but my only thing is - you can just say that. Why is there a mixup of communication and then accusations that i’m not being understanding?? Need i say it again - 4 overnight trips in 8 years …..
The same thing happened with gifts. Eventually, I stopped expecting them. I also stopped giving them because it felt pointless when there was no mutual expectation or effort.
What hurts most is that whenever we fight about finances, he eventually tells me that he doesn’t communicate with me because “he doesn’t know how I’ll react.”
That is incredibly heartbreaking and demoralizing to hear after being together for nine years. I try very hard to communicate openly. I would much rather know what’s going on than be left guessing.
And then, ironically, he expects me to just know things.
His go-to response is often, “Don’t you know how things are?”
Yes, I know things are difficult. I know finances are stressful. I know life isn’t always predictable. But there’s a limit to how much I can worry or put my life on hold because I’m supposed to intuitively understand what he isn’t communicating.
I’m self-employed and working hard. Things haven’t been in my favour financially, but I’m trying.
There are so many more examples, but I think they all come back to the same thing: we seem fundamentally incompatible, particularly in how we handle stress, money, communication, and life in general.
We’ve also constantly found ourselves in financial trouble.
We had good incomes when we bought our home. Six months later, I had our daughter and went on maternity leave. During my leave, I was laid off, and I haven’t been able to find stable employment since.
Now we have a daughter, and that makes everything infinitely more complicated.
I also know that culturally, separating or divorcing will not be easy for me. My own family would probably make my life extremely difficult if I left. That’s a huge part of why I’ve continued trying to make this work.
But at this point, I’ve accepted that I may never feel loved in the way I want to be loved. Our sex life is basically nonexistent. And lately, it feels like even respect is disappearing. After our fight over the weekend, i’ve checked out mentally and so he is mad and escalating with me now because I’m not responding to him properly..
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life pretending that this is a marriage I’m happy in just because it looks okay from the outside. The way he becomes when he’s angry is extremely scary as well as heartbreaking..
At this point, I almost just want us to have independent lives and some peace. I want the possibility of happiness, even if that means admitting that this relationship isn’t what I hoped it would be.
But then I look at my daughter and wonder whether I’m being selfish..
Should I stick it out for my daughter and because of family/societal pressure?
Has anyone here divorced when there wasn’t one huge, obvious reason but rather years of incompatibility, resentment, poor communication, financial stress and feeling emotionally disconnected?
If you chose to leave in a situation like that, how did it actually work out for you and your children?
I’m not necessarily looking for people to tell me “leave” or “stay.” I’d really like to hear if people have experienced something similar or just some big-sister/mom advice because I know i’ll never get it from my own..
TL;DR:
32F married 8 years, feeling deep long-term incompatibility with husband (poor communication, financial stress, emotional shutdown, lack of affection/intimacy). Despite trying, patterns haven’t changed. Feeling stuck between staying for daughter and societal/family pressure vs. leaving to seek peace and happiness. Unsure if divorce is justified and asking how others handled similar situations and how it affected their children.