Ruminating on Fixing
I’ve found my codependency can show up as me hyper-fixating on what makes sense and using care as a form of making things make sense. My dad gaslight ALOT! I came to realize how deeply codependent I was when my ex (cluster b) gaslit me into an endless state of confusion. In my head…he just did not see that he was hurting me so much, he just didn’t understand his words contradicted his actions and he just doesn’t see I have feeling. It couldn’t be that fact that some people we love hurt us because there’s no controlling that*.*
We both spoke about our healing journeys a lot and I fell so deep into supporting his I lost myself. This wasn’t blindly either. Even in the validity of him being abusive, I choose. I choose to focus on fixing him and the confusion. It didn’t realize how much easier it was to become wrapped up in getting someone to see their harm instead of focusing on the harm I was causing myself. I remember a friend calling out that all the things I saw now were things I had expressed two years before.
I’ve been slowly trying to heal since. All that context to share a small but, meaningful break through.
I just had a break up (different from the ex mentioned above). I was hurt by a post break up text and my mind immediately went into, I’m so confused why does this person it’s not good for them. Then I stopped and said “it’s easier to focus on this, then sit with my feelings.”
It’s kind of become a mantra. I pulled myself out of that thinking pattern. Now I’m gonna go be a proud sad girl and own my own feelings. No more trying to control.