u/Jabroni_Direwolfie

Im (F) 47 and my now bf is 53. I always noticed his "people pleasing" tendencies I would describe them as in the beginning of our relationship. My dad was the same way. I also used to be very co dependent. I did work on those issues before meeting my current bf. So I should have recognized how bad he really was but I made excuses for his behavior in the beginning. His constant need to manage everyone's feelings around him. He is also constantly bailing his friends..family..etc out of their own problems they created. He makes excuses for their bad behavior. He always wants to pay for everything for everybody. Its like he wants to be everyone's partner and that results in our relationship suffering. When his behavior was really exposed is when an old friend came into his life recently. He is like obsessed with this guy. Always wanting to make him happy. Constantly making plans with him. I feel pushed out of my own relationship like I don't matter. I have tried to bring up how it makes me feel. He takes it as I don't want him doing anything. Or Im trying to take his freedom and independence. All im looking for his a balance. His friend recently broke up with his gf before they became friends again. So my bf and his co dependent ways thinks he needs to make up for this guy's loneliness. But now I feel lonely. The worst part of all this is we got a new puppy right around the time they started hanging out again. So I have taken the brunt of the responsibility for the dog while he does all these activities with his friend. They are both into hunting and fishing. And there is nothing wrong with having our separate interests and friends. But he makes his hobbies a priority over other things that I have been waiting on for years. Also I told him I wasn't even ready for a dog. He got the dog anyway knowing how I felt. His entitled attitude is starting to wear on me. And the fact that a 53 year old well established man feels the need for his friend to be around constantly is very strange to me. I expect that from a guy in his 20s. Not a guy in his 50s. I have to try to tell him his co dependence is causing me to pull away from the relationship. How do I confront him without triggering his defensiveness

He has major issues taking accountability and he's rooted in deep shame. He also doesn't know his own feelings. He's very hyper vigilant and can have anger issues. He's also super critical of others. Any advice on how to gently approach this would be great. I was also just thinking of pulling away and letting him feel my absence. Not sure if that would make him see how it feels. Thanks in advance.