u/bujjhjjjjjjjjj

I’m 29M and honestly feel like my attachment system has been completely fried.

A few weeks ago I got out of a relationship of almost four years with “Mia.” For a huge amount of that relationship I basically became a full-time emotional and physical caretaker. She had severe mental health problems and chronic illness, and over time my entire life became organised around keeping her okay.

By the end I had basically lost myself. My own health deteriorated badly, I developed severe anxiety around leaving the house and travelling, and I became incredibly emotionally dependent on the relationship despite knowing it was destroying me.
The breakup itself was brutal. I lost my partner, my home, my dog, my routine and basically my entire sense of normality at once. There was also a heap of stressful things involving moving, the rental and her family betraying and abusing me. I was desperately lonely.
Then about three weeks after the breakup I met “Lucy.”

It was insane how quickly it happened.
We connected immediately. We spent basically every day and night together from the moment we met. The chemistry and sex were ridiculous, we were incredibly affectionate, neither of us wanted to be alone and within days we were talking about living together, marriage and having a future together.
I genuinely felt like I was falling in love.
Looking back, I think my brain grabbed onto her like a life raft.

But within days things started getting really unstable.
Tiny conversations could trigger massive shutdowns. She could suddenly become angry, cold or extremely distressed. There were jealousy issues and situations where I felt like my words were being twisted into something I hadn’t meant.
At one point she told me she was so upset with me that she wouldn’t see me for several days and that she wouldn’t text me first. It was now my responsibility to contact her because she was angry with me.

Other times she would completely collapse emotionally and need me to comfort her, regulate her, carry her to bed and look after her.

And suddenly I realised:
I was becoming a caretaker again.

My body reacted before my brain properly caught up. I started shaking, feeling nauseous and having seizures again. I felt like I was constantly monitoring what I said because I didn’t know what would cause another shutdown or argument.
Eventually I ended it.

I tried extremely hard to be kind. I told her my mental and physical health were deteriorating and that I genuinely couldn’t be the partner she needed. Some of her responses were incredibly cold, and other responses were softer, which somehow made it even harder.

I even sent her flowers afterwards because the idea of her being devastated absolutely killed me.

Now the messed-up part:
I desperately miss her.
There are moments where my entire body feels like it is screaming for her. I want her attention, affection, sex, friendship, cuddling, anything. Then I remember how stressed and frightened I felt when I was actually with her.

My logical brain knows that going back would probably put me straight back into another unstable caretaker relationship.
My emotional brain keeps saying, please just give me this person back so I don’t have to feel alone.

I’m starting to realise that after years of codependency, I may genuinely not know how to feel safe unless I’m attached to somebody.

I’m in therapy and I know I need to stay single and actually rebuild a life that belongs to me.

But right now being alone feels almost physically painful.
Has anyone else gone from a long codependent relationship straight into an incredibly intense rebound like this?

How did you get through the period where you knew someone was unhealthy for you but your body still felt desperate to go back?