I was sexually assaulted by another kid in my childhood, my whole life i suffered from trauma responses regarding that, yet i feel so incredibly invalidated and I genuinely feel at times that i deserve and should get assaulted again by an adult so my pain could be valid
To be clear before I start ranting, this does NOT include menstrual blood. I was an iPad kid in 2015, with nothing to do other then watch videos. My parents were always at work so I was left alone with my siblings. I was ALWAYS bored from having nothing to do, this caused me to pick up bad habits like nail biting, skin picking and biting the inside of mouth. I'd bite the inside of my cheeks until they were bleeding, and soon became obsessed with the sweet taste. A few years later when I was about 12 I started cutting myself because of emotional regulation problems during my parents divorce. I stared drinking and licking up the blood from the cuts and continue to do so. The taste is so addicting and sweet. I daydream about the feeling and the taste all day. I don't want help, I want to continue into the forseeable future. I don't even know why I'm posting this, maybe I just want to get this off my chest or maybe I'm trying to downplay this to a simple thing I enjoy doing. I have not one to confess this to so reddit is probably the best to get it out of my system.
I’m a 20 year old woman and have been suicidal since I was 12 years old. I’ve never been able to go through with it or sh or anything like that because I’m too afraid of pain. I also don’t want to hurt my family. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t have any ambitions or anything that wants me to keep going in life. I don’t have the energy for life, I’m too tired. I also feel very alone. Sure I’m always surrounded by immediate family and maybe some work friends but friends from high school or college all left me purely because they didn’t want to be my friend anymore. I’ve never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, never had sex, never kissed or even hugged a boy. When I get close to going on a date and talking to someone I get such bad anxiety that I throw up or get really bad diarrhoea (tmi) because I just can’t be around love. I want to be loved so badly, I want to have a boyfriend and be in love and everything that comes with it and feel safe. But the mere thought of actually being in that situation makes me feel sick to my stomach. I’ve never been to a therapist because when I even remotely go to discuss anything about my feelings or reveal even the smallest bit about myself I burst into tears and I don’t even know why. I’m too uncomfortable to discuss my emotions. But I’m not stupid so I figure it stems from my childhood- unaffection mother and father, manipulators, narcissists and mentally and emotionally abusive parents. Love isn’t something I deem safe. All these factors just make me not want to live. I have a binge eating disorder (self diagnosed as again, not stupid) and I eat my feeling away until new feelings of regret come through, regret of eating it all and spending all the money on it. I feel like I’m stuck in a never ending loop. My life gets good for a while and then inevitably I’m back to wanting to kms. I feel like since it’s already been 7 years of feeling this way it’ll never end and never go away. Any advice to end it all painlessly and swiftly or how to get better, if there even if a better anymore. I don’t believe in being better anymore.. it’s temporary. Thanks for listening, I haven’t shared this with anyone, some say it may be the problem but I physically can’t bring myself to do it.
My name is Garrett, better known by my online personoia "Britten Studios", or "Raspberrydry". For the past month, I've posted fan art, theories, entertainment posts, ect. I created my account out of boredom, which would later become something more than that. My profile pic, I made myself in a digital canvas, to portray my innocent side besides my love for horror. The reason I make this post is because currently, from my self guilt, and hateful comments on some of my posts, I've been questioning if I should continue or not. For context, a day ago, I posted a question regarding a Pic I found, which spiraled into some of the worst hates I've ever seen, people saying that im retarded, stupid, ignorant, a failure, everything, even to the point of creeps wanting to know how old I was. The comments would spiral with my personal life, mostly with my family, and how I care for them, but people would just spit in my face and say "nobody cares". Like, how cruel is that? That post was deleted shortly after, since i already had it posted elsewhere. The day before that, I got a comment from my Wesker redesign saying that its "bad", and that im immature. Other than reddit, in real life, its different story. I suffer from depression. My mom, she was... a bit harsh but me and my sis deeply cared for her. Then, she passed, 4 years ago. Just a year after that, our beloved dog passed, and now my uncle passed. I miss them, deeply. I have stated before that im a very christian person, and I like the quiet, all I want is peace, let my self belifs harden. Only, as for reddit, from what's happened so far, even though I try to ignore it, every hate comment, every insult, was just enough to scar me mentally. Of course, I have found out who I am on here, im a creator, I always was. My arts get awards, upvotes, thousands of views, but from what's happened recently, I have to stop, just for a while. Im just at a point where I don't know whether to cease everything entirely, and live a normal life, or continue, with the chances of worse happening, and the worse that I fear, hackers, stalkers, people that could endanger my family. Comments and feedback against my current situations would be very apreciated.
All I got is my Internet life and is getting taken away
Not really sure what else to do so burner Reddit account it is. Been at war with myself since i was 15, lived in a very volatile home due to addiction and never really could rest even though on paper I had it pretty good. Shortly after mom got sober and I took my first deep breath since I was a little kid my best friend passed away by his own hand. I was 17 when that happened and I’ve been in a controlled spiral since, I’m 20 now and I’m starting to scare myself. Recently discovered that when it comes to relationships I either never allow someone a chance, or after the first interaction even alluding to romance their every move has a complete grip on my emotional state with highs being pure ecstasy and lows being noticeable by everyone around me. This can happen within minutes of each other. Without sounding arrogant I’ve generally been the “smartest” guy in the room among the circles I happened to be born into, and this has led me on a conquest to try and right my brain myself. At this point I’m not sure how long I can keep losing but I’m not sure what to do
I don’t know how any of this works and I’m not even sure if I can since I’m not legally considered an adult until 19 in British Columbia.
I am positive that I am depressed, and I believe a doctor is able to evaluate that. I also have a suspicion of ADHD, autism, and BPD or CPTSD based off of my childhood and relating to every symptom people have shared. I don’t know if I should ask my doctor about that since I don’t know if they’re able to diagnose those and I psychiatric referrals take over a year.
Above all else, I do want to get an evaluation for depression and ADHD to see if I can get prescribed with medication. How would I go about asking my doctor that? And how are those prescribed meds usually covered?
I (27M) feel lost. I grew up having it easy, to be honest. I had pretty high grades at school and did pretty good the first couple of years at university. But then, two years into university, COVID hit and I ended up addicted to video games, combined with depression, and I ended up dropping out. I took my time to heal and get back on my feet again and started university again a couple of years ago.
It felt good and felt like a fresh start at the beginning, but now I just feel nothing. I have a hard time studying or even doing basic tasks. Heck, I’m sometimes even too lazy to change my clothes or make food. Even at my part-time job, which is actually relevant to my field, I used to be more excited about it, but now I just get the job done and that’s it. Every day feels like a struggle, looking at the clock and waiting to go home.
The thing is, I know what depression feels like since I was depressed once, and I don’t think that’s what I’m going through right now. It feels like my brain is only looking to do stuff that is instantly rewarding, and I have a feeling it’s because of my previous addiction and extreme exposure to dopamine.
Thankfully, I never did drugs because I always knew that would be the end of me. But I do vape, and I think it plays a part in my problem too.
I’m struggling daily. And only started noticing this recently cause usually, I would get my drive to study from my colleagues and friends, as I’m a competitive person and I like a healthy, competitive studying atmosphere. But now, most of my friends have either finished their studies or are studying other fields so the issue became more clear since it’s affecting the most important part of my life at this phase. And i would like to understand my problem and find an actual solution to gain back control and stop being lazy and have an actual internal motivation.
Basically the title.
I don't know exactly what is wrong with me but I feel really dissociated a lot of the time and have since I was (reportedly) a child . This affects me daily, obviously, but I have noticed how much worse it is during times of self isolation.
I'll be moving out soon and living on my own and I'm just worried I'll get lethargic and depressed. I'm very much a "roll with the punches" for most things and consider myself pretty stable, but this is the first time I've worried that my mental health will actually ruin my life instead of just being an inconvenience that makes me slower at tasks or thinking.
It's the first time where "I'm sure it'll be fine" doesn't really do much for me. I'm super thankful for my family for keeping me grounded without knowing it, and I'm glad people I care about are only a call away, but there's a lot they don't know that would just be hard to explain.
I had a pretty bad incident while driving because of my hallucinations about 2 months ago, and that was the first time that my own issues had actually been life-threatening for myself and others. It hasn't been that bad since, but now that that IS a possibility, I'm even more worried. That on top of the dissociation makes me concerned.
This isn't horribly comprehensive, there's a lot on my mind right now. I am excited to move out and have that freedom, but I also have started to learn my limits in the past year, and I'm worried that this will push me to those limits. Idk
I absolutely hate my life. I have nobody who ever texts me first. I was raised in a motel and still live in one at 19. I had a gf for a year and a half. I was in love and thought she was the one. But due to a combination of my own mistakes and my current situation she left me for someone she might while dating me. At the beginning of this year, I got into a car accident a day before I was supposed to leave for college. I couldnt make friends because I joined college during the spring semester and would go to PT at the end of the day 3 times a week. I only have my elderly mom and she doesnt understand me despite loving me and wanting to help. I have no car or ability to go anywhere. I honestly just hate my life. I don't know if I can keep going like this anymore... life has just been too much for me to handle. I am utterly alone with nobody. This is me begging to know there's other real people in this world.
I wish you all the best.
Hello everyone, I am a 23 year old man in college and am looking for advice or some insight on what is going on with me. As of the past couple of years I have noticed that I have become more emotional and tend to get teary eyed at things I hear about and see for complete strangers. For example I recently seen something talking about a young man who grew up only having his sister and that she was still all he had, but when I looked at the comment section it was a picture of another person saying that he wish he could have the same luxury to speak to his sister (it was a picture of his sister when they were young) and I genuinely got teary eyed and almost broke down crying but stopped myself and questioned what I was doing. I feel like a literal loser but at the same time this isnt the only time where I have felt like this and want to know what is going on with me. Is it maturing ? Is it me becoming more emotionally in tune? I have no clue what it is and want to know have other men had the same experience as I have had.
I'm a guy and 5'2. I was born 6 weeks prematurely, and 5 pounds. When I was a baby, I was so small, I didn't even register on the height chart, and a Cabbage Patch Kid wore my shirts. I also had breathing problems and pneumonia and had to be in the NICU. My mom is 5'5, my dad is 5'8, my maternal grandfather was 5'11, my uncle and paternal grandfather are 5'8, and my maternal uncles were 5'11-6'0. My mom's cousins are 5'10-6'0 (one of them is a woman) and my girl cousin (my dad's sister's daughter) is 5'6. My sister was full-term, though, and she's 5'1.
I don't understand how I only ended up at 5'2. It's really been bothering me, and I can't get over it. And I'm tired of being told "height isn't a big deal!" when studies show that tall people are considered more attractive and make more money. It's embarrassing being shorter than almost everyone, including my parents, and being the same height as pre-teens.
I feel absolutely terrible
I am GENUINELY trying to fight the suicidal thoughts
PLS HELP ASAP
I’m 19 and just finished high school. In 3 days I need to get myself into college and idk which one. I’ve always debated between law and psychology but couldn’t get into psychology bc of my grades.
Law has been my passion for 2 years now, but there’s a problem. In middle school I was an A+ student. In high school I choose a very hard high school in my country we call it gymnasium and my grades genuinely dropped to barely passing some classes. I also developed a huge phone addiction to the point where I literally avoided studying bc it didn’t give me enough dopamine.
I’ve heard a lot of people saying that law is too hard, everyone who I know dropped out of it, everyone is talking sh!t about professors there, and apparently it’s like the hardest degree to study ?? That REALLY demotivates me.
I wanna study it and later become a lawyer ( in my country it’s 5 years of college then you work as a practice lawyer for 2-3 years while getting paid and then u later on finally get paid a lot better), but I just feel like I’m not smart, disciplined or brave enough for it.
Something in me is telling me not to go there and save myself, while sth else screams to get into law
PLS ADVICE
im not sure if im supposed to put this as self harm warning or not- but its the question i have ,so i'm 15 F, and I just finished my first year of highschool. During these months ive noticed ive started digging my nails into my palms or arms, especially when i was stressed about something, ive read quite a few other posts about how its tecnically self harm only if its intentional? i dont think its necesserally self-harm. Another habit ive found myself doing is just punching myself in the head when im really upset or on the verge of crying. One time i did try to like- i wouldnt say choke myself but i put my hands over my neck and just pressed, not enough to do damage or anything though. I dont know if i should tell my parents? because i dont know how to even bring it up to them and it kind of makes me feel embarassed. I want to go to a therapist or atleast try to but I still dont know how to bring it up without sounding crazy because my mom would believe me but i feel like that in my current situation its not a good idea. My sis already went to a therapist and said she had problems which i dont disagree with, but she sometimes says she wants to go back to a therapist when shes mad and i fear my mom would think im just following in her footsteps even if shes really understanding. I dont know if i should tell her, because what if its not a big deal?
I work a ton. Don’t make enough money to do anything I enjoy
Usually use exercise to distract myself from life but im injured so haven’t been able to do that for months
Im in a constant cycle of being unable to find a way to get out of this mental state
(History of depression anger anxiety adhd and addiction)
(24M) I have a problem that i am facing for some years now and it makes me sad.
I walk on the street, or i am riding the bus, or i am swimming on the beach, or i am sitting on a bar, or whatever i am doing.
And then i see a beautiful girl and i want to talk to her and have a romantic, full of movie cliches type of experience with her.
But sometimes she rejects me. Or she has a lot of people around her and i don't want to bother her.
And when that happens, i feel super sad because i feel like i lost a beautiful romantic experience with a person.
It feels like i am grieving the end of a relationship that never happened.
That happens every week for a long time. I have memories of random girls i saw years ago and didn't talked to. And it makes me feel like a looser.
I want to experience sweet momments with random girls i see and that makes me feel weird.
I feel like i am the only person with this problem, which makes me feel completely crazy.
All the people i see are so happy to be alive and are fine alone and they don't look for partners and love all the time.
While i can't spend 10 minutes in a bar without "felling in love" with random girls. I feel like no one on earth has this issue except me and i feel horrible about it.
Am i the only person on earth with this problem?
Does anyone else has this except me?
Can i even fix this problem?
I can’t even flirt back with any man in real life. People would flirt and I’d be too professional at work. I like them a lot . I can’t do it. I feel like a 10 year old girl when I’m 31 years old.
I hear stories of my friends doing sexual acts but I just can’t even when I’m so in love with a person. It makes them feel rejected and I repel them. I keep repeling them as if I mean it. But I am miserable about it…. I’m so obsessed with my boss but he doesn’t give me the appreciation that I deserve he flirted with me and I just rejected and didn’t flirt back when he didn’t raise me. I imagine I won’t even do it if he gave me a raise. I’m too aware of my effort and experience at work that I consider it an insult. He is married and has a kid …. But I know he is attracted to me I’ve been working for four years. He hides me from people and meetings but keeps me to do projects and send it to him… possession ??
What’s wrong with me please ?? Even when I imagine myself being married I can’t picture myself doing sexual acts and showing my body to my husband. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with it happening but I have. A strong desire to have sex but I don’t do it when it’s supposed to happen ?
lowkey i js wake up and play video games, i failed my entry exams to my dream uni , my parents love me but at the same time they are disappointed in me. society and capitalism is going into shit and rich are getting richer and poor and getting even more poor, genuinely whats the point of living i dont understand. I should definitely get a job or something, but after that what? im so confused and i hate everything. if I didnt have my 2 only friends id probably have killed myself, I dont go outside or anything, I eat like shit and I have bad sleep.
I cant get a girlfriend cause im too shy to talk to a girl and I hate that so much, I dont think im bad looking but where does that help if i cant even talk to her, idk i just feel like a useless human rn
i havent felt proud of myself in years, I wish I was never born
I don’t know why.
I cant make friends, i cant tell my parents. Im filthy and disgusting and gross and i should be dead.
I wish i would be treated like i matter, i wish people would see me as a human being and i wish i would stop being ignored, i wish i didn’t have to constantly see those around me be in relationships. It feels like “even though its an adult being weird, at least someone likes me.”
I’m fourteen and on discord a lot, i just feel so gross. Everyone tells me i need to wait a bit, but at that point I’m wasting my life away laying in bed 24/7
Its making me go feral because i also struggle with pOCD and i feel immensely guilty.
None of my posts here ever get attention, i just needed to get it off my chest.
I usually don't come on the internet to ask for advice or support, but I'm currently feeling stuck in a difficult position and i have nobody to talk or share this to, so i hope typing this out might help me get some support or relief.
Recently in may my family went through a difficult situation, my younger brother had used a substance which made him collapse in his room. We called up the ambulance and they monitored him for a few hours, ran some tests & sent him home again once the effects wore off. Later at home we had a very difficult and vulnerable conversation about it. For my parents this hit like a bomb, i sort of tried to stay as level-headed and neutral as i could because my brothers safety comes first. Either way, it seemed like my parents just viewed this as a "he made a mistake and learned from it" to cope. They haven't asked or checked up on him at all and even became a bit apathetic. I understand it probably comes from fear and not knowing what to do.
What my parents don't know, is that may wasn't the last time. Since then he has still used various substances, wether it was on festivals (which i can somewhat reason with as it's done for recreational purposes) or by himself (which worries me most). Our rooms are on the same floor so whenever i hear sounds that feel off, i become hyperalert. Recently i came in his room to ask a question, and i could immediately tell he had used something. He was aware but his speech was slurred, his movement was slow & i had to repeat myself often. We later on had a conversation about how I'm just worried and that this is me caring about him. But he keeps telling me that he knows what he's doing, that there isn't a problem and i should trust him. That it makes sense to him and that's what matters. When i ask "why?" he replies there isn't really a reason, that he doesn't use it to cope and that he understands the system & won't give into it. And i do, i want to and try to trust him. But i can't ignore what I've seen, his words don't align with reality, that doesn't mean he lies, but it shows that the promises and reassurance he gives don't match up with the actions. Randomly doing some drugs by yourself, at home is just very uncomfortable.
I don't want to feel pushy, i don't want him to be uncomfortable because we have a very strong bond but I'm very scared to get blindsided. It's been killing me because i have anxiety and i can feel how my body can't let go of this. I just don't like seeing him like this and i want to support or help but he seems to be stuck in it.
What do i do? What should i watch out for? Any advice, any words :( ?