I just want the easy way out, death.
I’m a 20 year old woman and have been suicidal since I was 12 years old. I’ve never been able to go through with it or sh or anything like that because I’m too afraid of pain. I also don’t want to hurt my family. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t have any ambitions or anything that wants me to keep going in life. I don’t have the energy for life, I’m too tired. I also feel very alone. Sure I’m always surrounded by immediate family and maybe some work friends but friends from high school or college all left me purely because they didn’t want to be my friend anymore. I’ve never had a boyfriend, never been on a date, never had sex, never kissed or even hugged a boy. When I get close to going on a date and talking to someone I get such bad anxiety that I throw up or get really bad diarrhoea (tmi) because I just can’t be around love. I want to be loved so badly, I want to have a boyfriend and be in love and everything that comes with it and feel safe. But the mere thought of actually being in that situation makes me feel sick to my stomach. I’ve never been to a therapist because when I even remotely go to discuss anything about my feelings or reveal even the smallest bit about myself I burst into tears and I don’t even know why. I’m too uncomfortable to discuss my emotions. But I’m not stupid so I figure it stems from my childhood- unaffection mother and father, manipulators, narcissists and mentally and emotionally abusive parents. Love isn’t something I deem safe. All these factors just make me not want to live. I have a binge eating disorder (self diagnosed as again, not stupid) and I eat my feeling away until new feelings of regret come through, regret of eating it all and spending all the money on it. I feel like I’m stuck in a never ending loop. My life gets good for a while and then inevitably I’m back to wanting to kms. I feel like since it’s already been 7 years of feeling this way it’ll never end and never go away. Any advice to end it all painlessly and swiftly or how to get better, if there even if a better anymore. I don’t believe in being better anymore.. it’s temporary. Thanks for listening, I haven’t shared this with anyone, some say it may be the problem but I physically can’t bring myself to do it.