u/BotHeisenbergz

I (27M) feel lost. I grew up having it easy, to be honest. I had pretty high grades at school and did pretty good the first couple of years at university. But then, two years into university, COVID hit and I ended up addicted to video games, combined with depression, and I ended up dropping out. I took my time to heal and get back on my feet again and started university again a couple of years ago.

It felt good and felt like a fresh start at the beginning, but now I just feel nothing. I have a hard time studying or even doing basic tasks. Heck, I’m sometimes even too lazy to change my clothes or make food. Even at my part-time job, which is actually relevant to my field, I used to be more excited about it, but now I just get the job done and that’s it. Every day feels like a struggle, looking at the clock and waiting to go home.

The thing is, I know what depression feels like since I was depressed once, and I don’t think that’s what I’m going through right now. It feels like my brain is only looking to do stuff that is instantly rewarding, and I have a feeling it’s because of my previous addiction and extreme exposure to dopamine.

Thankfully, I never did drugs because I always knew that would be the end of me. But I do vape, and I think it plays a part in my problem too.

I’m struggling daily. And only started noticing this recently cause usually, I would get my drive to study from my colleagues and friends, as I’m a competitive person and I like a healthy, competitive studying atmosphere. But now, most of my friends have either finished their studies or are studying other fields so the issue became more clear since it’s affecting the most important part of my life at this phase. And i would like to understand my problem and find an actual solution to gain back control and stop being lazy and have an actual internal motivation.

I often see people wondering why their duaas are not answered, why they struggle financially, academically, with marriage, or with other hardships in life. This might be helpful to you as well.

For a long time, I would simply tell myself that Allah knows what is best for us without really understanding what that means.

As I write this, I have tears in my eyes. I was born and raised Muslim with amazing parents. Throughout my life, I go through phases where I drift away from Allah, and then He brings me back. Things improve, I become comfortable again, and the cycle repeats.

The truth is that I recently often practice Islam more out of fear than love. My iman has been weak for years now, and fear is usually what motivates me.

Today, I was very close to committing a sin. I kept debating it in my mind, but then I thought about my past and realized that every time I knowingly disobey Allah, something happens that brings me back to Him. And i just didn’t want to wake up to bad news so Alhamdulillah, I stayed away from it.

Then a sad realization hit me, if Allah did not pull me back or make me face the consequences of my mistakes, I would probably keep drifting further away and end up in Jahanam.

I am not proud of this, but I am starting to accept that I am not the type of Muslim who remembers Allah through blessings. More often, I remember Him through fear and hardship. And i hate this about me.

As a human? I would call myself decent. I do not intentionally harm others, and I always try to treat people well. But as a Muslim, I know I have a lot to improve with my practices specially prayers. And i know that it’s the most important pillar in islam, no amount of good deeds would count without it.

Despite all my mistakes, Allah has brought me back every single time. Some duaas I made at night were answered the very next morning, yet I still fall into the same sins again and again. I feel like my heart got rusty and just like a solid rock.

I stopped asking Allah for wealth or success a long time ago. Now I only ask Him to place love for Him in my heart and to make me content with whatever He gives me.
Please make duaa for me. All I ask is that Allah softens and purifies my heart. I fear being kicked out of His mercy at one point, because until now, He has always accepted me back and i always pulled away after i got what i needed.