How can I deal with the heavy guilt and shame of saying the n-word when I was 14?
I said a racial slur, the n-word, when I was 14 years old.
For context, I was playing on the game with my best-friend, who would say the n-word a lot to be ‘funny’. I was constantly surrounded by people like this, which is also my fault, being naive; a young teen trying to make ‘cool’ friends. At the time, I knew it was wrong to say such a thing, yet, I said it anyway. She had been annoying me on purpose, and in the heat of the moment. I told her to shut up, saying the word after.
It was the only time I ever said it. The first and last. And my friend clipped it on her playstation.
Immediately after, I felt so guilty. So ashamed. I remember searching up the meaning of the word, watching educational videos surrounding its cultural and historical context. I had learnt so much. I had learnt the weight of what I had said. For my own being, I cut those toxic friendships off immediately (the ones who thought saying the word was cool or funny), isolating myself for a very long time. I found better friends.
To this day, I still feel consumed with disgust and anger at myself. I have amazing parents, who taught me so much better. I have never in my life been discriminatory towards anyone… no matter their race, religion, or sexuality ect. I acknowledge what I did was so incredibly hurtful and inexcusable.
I worry that one day that clip will resurface. It’s very scary having someone who you no longer talk to have a clip like that.
I have tried, and tried, and tried to forgive myself. But how can I? I actively contributed towards racism, even if I was young and stupid. I cry a lot about this topic.
Is there anything I can do to help this feeling? I am so full of love. I want to show that to my community. 🙂