u/radiofreaks

I'm 34f and have been single since December following a 10 year relationship. I've been dating using apps plus meeting people in person.

With three of the people I've dated, the same issue has cropped up so I want to get unbiased opinions on these scenarios.

Guy 1: I would message him daily (maybe 2 conversations per day). The first would be in the afternoon and then again in the evening once I got home from work and gym. We had around 1 - 2 phone calls per week. We went on 3 dates in the 4 weeks we were speaking but he ended up making passive aggressive jabs about my messaging frequency and I ended up feeling suffocated and obligated. On the actual dates we would speak for hours to the point where we missed two dinner reservations because we got carried away chatting during drinks.

Guy 2: I messaged him the same frequency as the guy above but called more frequently. We went on two dates over two days because he got a hotel in my city so we also met up for brunch the next day. I was helping my sister move out of our house so for three days we had no calls but I did message morning and evening. He was acting kind of off with me when we next spoke and ended up saying his ex didn't message him for days so this was a trigger for him. I tried to make more effort to message over the next few days but I couldn't get past the feeling of obligation. I stopped dating him.

Guy 3: met him on Hinge one week ago. We planned a date for two week's time. He's very full on with messaging.

Messages me multiple times a day to give updates such as this (real message):

"I gotta get car cleaned, then go get my new windscreen fitted, and then fuel up, then haircut, and then need to go to find new outfit for tomorrow and then go see my dad x"

Two days ago during a phone call he said something about me not sending good morning messages. I told him I've never sent morning messages as my mornings are really busy so I'm not really thinking about much outside of work/commute. I said my day slows down at 11.30am which is why that's when I generally message him. He then said he likes to get updates about what I'm doing and doesn't understand why I sometimes take hours to respond. I said it's probably because I'm doing something else such as watching a film. He said "yes but you can just say that, say that you're going to be watching a film for the next few hours".

Then today he messaged me this:

"Just do me one thing is all I ask, please don’t read and ignore me that really upsets me 🤣, appreciate your getting your nails done so message me when your done x"

I'd already explained to him that I like to message back once I have time to give it my full attention so it's not a low effort response. It had been an hour and a half as I was finishing getting my nails done.

I really want to hear everyone's opinions on this. These are all men that I've been on three dates or less with. Am I really expected to message more than a couple of times a day?

On dates I'm very engaged and give my full attention. With boyfriends I do probably send more updates about my day and want to know theirs but that's because they're my boyfriends and we've built up a relationship and care for each other.

I'll be brutally honest - I find it boring to get hourly updates on a (relative) stranger's day. I also don't want to give updates about my day to someone I don't know well.

Advice please!

I've been dating for 7 months and I've noticed that when I do like people, as I'm talking to them more and more or going on more dates I start to feel annoyed by them and message them and then the more they message it grows to full blown disgust and I feel like running away from them.

The only men I don't do this with is men who I like but have to chase for their attention. They keep me hooked, I was with a dismissive avoidant for 10 years. The available guys who are super into me make me feel disgusted.

Please give me some insight. Is this incompatibility? Am I going to be forever alone or with someone who isn't really even into me.

I'm at week 9 and my swelling seems to be getting worse rather than better. Is that normal? Has anyone else experienced this?

I've been less swollen in the first 8 weeks

Could it be the UK heatwave?

Instead I just feel like cutting them off completely or being left alone. Why can't I just say, "hey you really hurt me when you did xyz" instead of thinking of ending the whole thing.

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I only realised this about myself recently

Curious to hear.

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Mine is being understood

Been speaking to a guy from Hinge for a week. I really, really enjoy the phone conversations and we seem to have pretty similar values and personalities.

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However, I don't know if I will be attracted to him based on his hinge photos. In two of them I think no, probably not but then in two he looks ok.

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The reason it's not a complete no to dating is because some people carry themselves in a way that does make them attractive to me. So in person it could be different. Physical attraction is important to me.

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I feel a bit guilty already because he wants to arrange a date for two week's time and he will be driving three hours. He also seems to really like me so far and puts a lot of effort into messaging.

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Idk I think I just find it hard to tell people I'm not into them if we've spent some time on the phone and built that rapport. So I'm dreading doing this after the date if it does go that way.

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Please help

I'm (33f) really stuck and don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend (30M). He is a sweet and sensitive soul and we have fun when we spend time together. We've been together one year.

However he's very sensitive and mentally fragile when it comes to stress. He has dpdr and childhood trauma so can get overwhelmed quite easily. This includes by life stuff not related to me and also things within the relationship, so for example if I tell him we don't see each other enough he will get really upset that he's a bad boyfriend and think he's let me down. When he's not overwhelmed or stressed he functions well and we have regular conversations and fun together.

I'm in my 30s and do want a serious relationship that leads to marriage and children. But I feel like he wouldn't be able to cope with the responsibility of this and I would therefore have to take over a lot of responsibilities and probably feel overwhelmed. I'm also scared that he's not able to handle big conversations that we might need to have and so I'll just get more resentful over time that my needs are being neglected.

He runs his own small business from home so has no issues regarding work and doesn't get stressed from it.

Please can I have advice?

I'm an FA but I don't really have this issue so I want to get some insight. Alhough I'm FA, if I really like or love someone I'm keen to make things official.

However I've been with two FAs who acted differently from me and who have really left their mark on me and both times, it was a similar kind of scenario.

I met them and for a while, most of the chatting took place virtually. They would come up with excuses to delay seeing me (even if I'd met them in person in the first place). However they'd happily chat and build a connection over the phone. I know I'm not making it up - both times there was a really strong connection for months/years. I didn't get player vibes and I don't think they were speaking to anybody else. I knew they really, really liked me. But there was always a hesitancy to move the connection beyond that. To bring things into the real world and make it official.

Eventually I'd get exasperated and was sick of waiting and would end things. In one case, a guy broke down crying and begged me not to leave his home. This was shocking as he'd normally act aloof and hot cold me. He told me he was in love with me and didn't want me to leave. He proceeded to stalk my socials for 6 years after I broke things off.

Same thing is now happening with a second guy who I know is super into me. But he takes ages to reply back, rarely initiates calls and delays dates. But if I stop speaking to him he chases.

Wtf is going on. If they like/love me so much just make it official?!

I had a tummy tuck with a breast uplift and implants (above muscle). Also a BBL

I'm at almost 6 weeks post op and am dying to get back to the gym. I'm recovering well and only have a bit of tenderness in my core. Also, my breasts are still fragile and can get a bit sore.

Interested in hearing when people went back to the gym and whether you needed to adjust your workouts.

I'm not too worried about my core but worried about my breasts and don't want to mess up my healing.

I can't go back to the gym until week 9 of my recovery as I froze my membership until then. Just trying to prepare to go back.

Hi,

I'm 4 weeks PO and still have scabbing on my tummy and breasts (uplift).

I want to know how long it took for your scabbing to go to see whether I'm healing slow.

Thanks

I had my third therapy session this week and we played a card game where my therapist would show me a need on a card and ask who met that need for me growing up. The aim was to figure out which needs went unmet in childhood.

One of the cards said “creativity” and it unexpectedly opened a huge can of worms.

I told her my dad really nurtured that side of me. He loved that I was imaginative, nerdy, full of stories and interests, and he praised me a lot for it. She then asked, “Who else met that need?” and after thinking for a while I realised the answer was… no-one.

When I was 16 my dad went to prison, and suddenly I was left in a house where the parts of me he had celebrated felt unwanted. My mum valued beauty, femininity and fitting in, and I was overweight, introverted and into what she saw as “boy hobbies.” I was also more like my dad personality-wise, and she hated him by that point. I became a projection screen for a lot of her anger toward him.

I think that’s when I really started retreating inward. I became extremely mentally independent and protective of my inner world because it felt emotionally unsafe to share myself at home. If I opened up about my interests, thoughts or vulnerabilities, they’d often get used against me later during arguments. That repeated sense of betrayal taught me to keep most of myself hidden.

The internet honestly became my refuge. Forums, niche interests, online communities — that’s where I found people who thought like me and valued the things I valued. I spent a lot of time alone in my room, but I was also quietly building a really rich inner world that protected my sense of self.

One thing therapy made me realise is that when my dad left, he took my sense of identity and belonging with him. Which is complicated, because he was also violent, emotionally unavailable and a terrible husband in many ways.

But despite all of that, I’m actually proud of the way I adapted. My hyper-independence and inwardness protected me psychologically. I didn’t fully bend to the pressure to become someone else just to survive socially in that house. I managed to keep my personality, creativity and curiosity intact.

The downside is that in dating, I now prioritise feeling deeply “seen” above almost everything else. If someone understands the hidden parts of me, it creates an intense sense of belonging that can make me overlook behaviour I normally wouldn’t tolerate. Realising where that comes from has been a pretty emotional breakthrough.