r/UKrelationshipadvice

I am a single woman in my late 30s and I have lived on my own for 10 years in my rented 1 bed. Guys who live in houseshares or with their parents always assume they'll just spend all their time at mine, I've had several moments like this over the years and it's increasingly a struggle. I feel like an arse because the housing market is shit. Many of these guys in their late 30s and early 40s that I speak to are (unhappily) flatsharing or living at home, and these ones always assume they'll just be able to always, always come here. I live in an awkward location which isn't that easy to reach as it's beyond zone 5 and not next to a station, and I also drive. This adds to the expectations sometimes. All of this was partially behind why I took a long break from dating (lockdown - this year).

I would also like to be hosted sometimes, to wake up at someone else's house and have someone else cook me breakfast and maybe even drop me to the station if it's awkward to get to. I had more experiences like this in my early 20s than I have now pushing 40 and it's wearing me down. I assumed things would be the same or better, but they are worse in my experience. I have dated men who live at home or in flatshares who were happy to have guests, but this was ages ago and seems increasingly rare, so now I'm thinking I have to screen them out which is both unfortunate and also really reduces the dating pool for me. I feel like they're less upfront nowadays about their less-than-ideal (to them) living circumstances which makes me feel even stranger about it all.

A few years ago, before my break from dating, the guy I was seeing the most eventually just only wanted to hang out at mine because he lived with his parents, even though it had been fine before. I grew to hate it. I also didn't want him to move in with me, as we weren't serious and if we had been, I'd have pushed for us to get a new place jointly together rather than him shacking up with me.

Now, I am good with telling people no and stuff, I don't have men round here if I don't want to, but this year alone I've gone on dates with about 5 men, and every single one of them has eventually presented with some kind of assumption as we talk more that they'll just hang out here, or they have some issue re. why I can't go to theirs. Some of them are probably cheaters, I get that part, but this is bigger than some people trying to be unfaithful - I know a few of them must be genuinely just single. It feels like men who don't mind hosting are harder and harder to find.

I really don't know what to do, I don't want to just relent and allow my place to be The Place when I know I'll resent it. I don't do well with one-sided stuff at all. How does everyone else cope? Hotels are hugely expensive, even more so if you want to be spontaneous as booking on the day of is always extremely expensive compared to in advance, and it's not always feasible anyway.

Does anyone else deal with similar, or are there just more people out there who are ok with sucking it up? Is this just what it's like when you have the place and they don't, even if where you live is out of the way (and they don't drive or cycle and can't afford endless Ubers)?

Hi folks. Been single for a while and been on OLD. Messaged a woman last week and we got into a conversation during the past week.

Decided to ask her on a date as I was free this weekend. Although asked, she didn't really respond. Asked outright if she was comfortable with going on a date, with a response of 'not yet I don't think'.

I accepted this and said I didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable or awkward.

The conversation continued and then suddenly radio silence. I did message her today around 2ish simply asking how she was today?

I don't believe I've upset or offended her to my knowledge. It might be worth noting she hasn't been on a date for a while and been stood up on a few occasions, which is a shame as she is pretty.

Do I just leave it or do I message again?

Thanks.

I (20M) have a girlfriend (19F), and we've been together for around 4 months.

She used to live an hour away, but now she lives in her uni city which is two hours away. All four weekends we've been together (physically I mean) has been at her flat, despite me offering my house. We both don't want to spend the money on a hotel night as students.

Thanks to jobs, uni and life we also take a couple of days to respond to one another. It's not working, and I feel like we're not dating. I want to dump her.

I've been in two relationships, one at nine months and one at eight months. Both times the girl dumped me over text which sucked.

What's the best way to go about this? Do I invite her to the city that takes both of us an hour to get too? That way it's an inconvenience for us both? I don't want to spend two hours in public transport to break up with her at her city.

I'm very poor at socialisation so I know it's a weird question.

My wife is adamant that my daughter‘s behaviour needs to be perfect at all times. Almost every single interaction is an argument. Daughter can’t stop herself and is prepared to argue every time. Wife’s demands are bordering on the ridiculous. It’s all normal boring stuff. Put your dishes in the sink, take your lunchbox out of your bag, tidy up after you have made a mess, etc. but when these tasks aren’t done to perfection, there is an explosion and an existential crisis. I am stuck in the middle I can’t side with the child and at the same time I completely sympathise with her. It’s the classic, wife is perimenopausal and daughter is going through puberty. Any advice? Not sure what to do, I am regularly accused of failing as a parent, siding with the child and generally being a bad husband when I don’t immediately back up my wife’s craziness.

I love my wife. We’ve been married 8 years and together 14. But something isn’t right

The first small thing was a single friend thought he saw her on tinder. She disappeared and never saw again and we let that go.

Then there was our more recent sports team
Tour. She was acting weird for ages. Then we went on the trip and she was determined to have her own room despite me sharing with someone else so the chance of a shared room was there.

After the trip I knew something was wrong. She told me one of our mates had said he fancied her and she felt uncomfortable and that he’d fallen out with her. Then later maybe a few months later when very drunk told me hadn’t done that. She then told me the reason the guy had fallen out with he heard her having sex with another dude. She said she wasn’t true but that’s what he thought she heard.

For reference I think that’s true but guys gone and I forgive her. Although she never owned up.

Now she hangs about with the 18-20 year old boys of our sports club. She even chooses that over coming home with me. She wants to go out with them. She then goes back to some of their houses and has come home 5am or there after before.

I feel like a fool but I guess my question. Is: am I being stupid saying??.

Update: basically I went on a fourth date with a guy on Friday night last week and I did stay over and we were intimate, but then he wanted to spend the rest of the Saturday with me. We went for a walk, he held my hand everywhere, he was kissing me lots, without sex being the motivator that day. We ended up finishing the day doing karaoke in his apartment and dancing round the flat. It ended on a high,

But ever since the date he’s just been so distant. I decided to take the plunge and ask if he’s free for coffee tomorrow morning and all he replied was ‘I don’t know I’ll be up by that time.’

It’s really upset me because I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. This always happens and I’ve never had a boyfriend so I wonder how I’ve ruined it.

He’s always been an incredibly dry texter but this time it feels really hurtful as it’s complete contrast to how he is in person.

What could be going on in his head?

I have a boyfriend who’s genuinely a great guy, he’s very kind and he loves me a lot but the sex isn’t that good. There’s another guy I occasionally hook up with, and the sexual chemistry between us is honestly amazing. And whenever I have sex with my boyfriend, I can’t help thinking about the other guy afterwards. I don’t know what to do..what should i do😭😭

tl;dr - I haven’t had a healthy relationship before and am working through attachment styles. The dynamic has shifted since we’ve moved in but I can’t tell if this is normal? General effusiveness has decreased.

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some pretty candid advice (kindly if possible as I’m aware I’m coming across as needy and I’m trying extremely hard to not project this on my partner) because I’ve never really experienced a healthy, secure relationship before, and I’m trying to understand what’s normal.

I’ve been with my partner for 10 months, living together for 2, and we’ve known each other for 3 years. She’s 33 and I’m 39.

I have severe anxious attachment and OCD, and I’m currently going through DBT and therapy to work on these issues and have been for several months. I’m very aware that I overthink and become hyperaware of changes in affection, and I’m genuinely trying to get better.

When we first got together, we were long distance, and my partner was incredibly effusive about her feelings. She’d regularly say things like “you’re perfect for me”, “we’re the perfect couple”, “we’re a team” and “God, I just love you”. We talked excitedly about our future, flirted constantly, and would rip each other’s clothes off whenever we saw each other. But since moving in together, things feel a little different.

We’re still very affectionate. We hold hands, cuddle, kiss and say “I love you” multiple times every day, and these are often initiated by her. She holds my hand before we fall asleep, she is touchy with me. Our sex life is still extremely healthy, but it’s gone from most days when we visited each other to around 2-3times a week. There’s less spontaneous flirting and sexual excitement from her side.

What I notice most is that she seems much less effusive and excited about us in general. She’s more sarcastic and playful, and while she’s still loving and affectionate, that really excited romantic energy seems to have faded a bit. But she also gets quiet, seems to get irritated by me sometimes, and our relationship can feel ‘functional’.

Last night she spontaneously said “God, I just love you”, which twigged my brain because she used to say things like that constantly. Now it’s generally “I love you”, which is obviously still wonderful, but feels different.

We also used to talk about our future much more enthusiastically. That seems to have reduced, although she’s actively making plans for our Christmas together.

She’s also been incredibly stressed and exhausted by work for the past two months, which I know will affect her energy and mood. The job situation has also put some of our future plans on hold for the time being, which I appreciate may be affecting how much we talk about them.

My anxious brain interprets all of this as her loving me less, or the magic disappearing for her. She was the first person who I felt loved me for ‘me’ and although it’s pretty arrogant, for someone who has suffered from extremely poor self-esteem for years, I liked that feeling, that feeling of being special.

But I genuinely don’t know whether this is simply what happens when the honeymoon phase ends and a relationship becomes more comfortable and secure, and my brain is interpreting it wrong.
I recognise that expecting constant excitement and romantic declarations isn’t necessarily realistic or reasonable. I love her deeply, and I really don’t want to ruin a good relationship through my own overthinking and I am trying so hard to not raise this with her, as I don’t want her to feel attacked. I also know there’s a good chance I am being hyper aware of normal fluctuations and assigning the wrong meaning.

I suppose what I’m asking is whether this sounds like a normal transition after moving in together? Can someone become less effusive, flirty and excited while still loving their partner just as much? Does this sound like a healthy relationship becoming settled, or are there genuine warning signs?

I’m trying to learn what healthy, long term love looks like because I’ve never really had it modelled for me.
Genuinely, I don’t ask her endlessly “if we’re ok”, and I’m trying to practice ERP, but the mood does feel different. I’m also aware I may sound entitled - that isn’t where I’m coming from, it’s from a real place of worry and fear.

Thanks for reading and sorry it’s long. x

A lad I was seeing for 4 years is in the police he was very much in control of me emotionally , I found out he had a gf and after speaking to her appears to have been emotionally controlling her too and emotionally blackmailing us both, also he claimed to me he would want to take his own life multiple times and was severely depressed, do I have grounds to tell his work?

Hi all, F/33 here in London, UK. I have been single for about 2.5 years. Before that I was in a relationship for 1.5 years, single for 6 months, and before that in a relationship for 7 years. In the last 2.5 years I have dated so many men, probably around 100 - mainly through apps. I love dating in general - love meeting new people, seeing new places, a kiss (obvs) etc etc. I’m happy in my life - I own my flat, I have an amazing group of pals, a good relationship with my family, a job I find very rewarding, hobbies and movement I enjoy. AND YET - I am slowly losing the will with dating. I stay so opened minded, I get back in the saddle quickly, and emotionally open to seeing where things go with no pressure - but literally nothing anymore. I feel like something is so so broken in the dating world (apps or no apps) and the chances of finding long time love is just impossible. I don’t really know what to do next, how to keep going with it all - how to maintain the optimistic attitude I held for so long about love being something that will happen in time as I’m open to it and meeting people. I’m pretty in an average way, confident, intelligent, funny, and political / passionate about things I care about etc and yet the fall out of this is I assume I have to change something about myself - make my body smaller (I am a size 16), which I don’t want to do as I have recovered from an eating disorder, or make my personality smaller - if I’m going to find love. I would love any and all suggestions on what to do to stay positive, tips for meeting people, anything to be honest xxx

Hey, so been debating If I should ask out this girl I really like, she's currently 16, turning 17 in November, I'm 19, Turning 20 in February next year, so basically a 2 year and 7 months.

I've really been searching into things really doubting myself If I should ask her out, We've bonded really well, This is all an online, She's Asexual and I highly doubt we'd do anything stupid. I just, really don't want to lose her if she rejects and thinks I'm weird or whatever, Actually managed to get out of her she doesn't mind being in a 3 year gap but still I don't know... Please note I'm REALLY blind with relationships, I might've said something so obvious that people are SCREAMING through their screens at me over, haha.

Just please, give words of advice, I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, I can easily back down at any time.

Cheers :)

I went out with 2 flatmates (it's a house share with randoms the other flatmate is really nice) from uni and one of them was so rude. She was commenting on EVERYTHING. She said it's weird how I was walking a certain route on campus and I was confused where they were in the phone and she said 'you're the one who is f*ck knows where! Then the other flatmate asked if I knew somewhere on campus I said I don't the rude girl said 'you are a second year now how do you not know. She looked down at my body and gave me a weird look. Then the other flatmate asked how a sport society went I said 'good' she said, 'is that all you going to say?' Then as we were walking back to the house she was like 'why are you walking over the grass just walk a normal way'. At one point she wanted us to walk in the road instead of pavemen because she said we wouldn't fit which I found odd. Honestly she is exhausting and I don't want to hangout with her again, her passive aggressive attitude is odd. Does anyone else relate what should I do?

I (26M) met (26F) in a party through a mutual friend and have been on two dates ever since. We have great chemistry and had such a good time that she herself initiated second date. Though she told me she wasn’t feeling at her best and will be on sick leave.

We were supposed to catch up today but obviously couldn’t as she thought its best she stays in bed and doesn’t want to make me sick. Which I understand. I am thinking of calling her tomorrow and check on her and see if she needs anything? Just wondering if its too needy or a bit fast?

Any thoughts would be appreciated

Hey everyone,

I posted here about 10 months ago asking for advice on overcoming social anxiety and getting into dating (link to original post:https://www.reddit.com/r/UKrelationshipadvice/comments/1po225n/yearning_to_be_in_a_relationship/). I really appreciated all the encouragement and tips I received back then.

Since then, I’ve made some genuine positive shifts in my life. After leaving my job at CEX, I committed to hitting the gym five mornings a week. Building that discipline has done wonders for my physical health, self-esteem, and general headspace. Being out among people consistently has been a great baseline for getting out of the house. On top of that, I finally got driving out of the way as I recently passed my driving test with only one minor, so I have the options to travel beyond my immediate area.

Despite feeling much better mentally and physically than I did last year, my social and dating life is still pretty nonexistent. I graduated university about a year ago, but because my anxiety was at its peak during those years, I walked away with essentially zero connections or friend groups to lean on. Starting a social circle from scratch as a graduate feels twice as hard.

I also tried being active on dating apps, but the experience ended up being pretty demoralising. I barely got any matches, and on the rare occasion that I did, things fizzled out or felt completely flat. It ended up making me feel bad about myself, leaving me stuck in a loop of wondering whether dating apps just don't work for me or if I'm somehow being too picky.

In a recent conversation with two of mates I recently caught up with, their main advice was simply to "just work on yourself." Hearing that was honestly frustrating because I've been hearing it for years, and it's coming from guys who seem to fall into new relationships every other week. Despite that frustration, I am determined to stay optimistic and I'm definitely not giving up.

Because apps haven't led anywhere, my last resort is actually meeting people in person, but I find myself hesitating at the threshold. The idea of walking into a club, hobby group, or meetup completely solo is intimidating, and living in Coventry leaves me unsure where someone in my position should go to meet women naturally without feeling intrusive.

For anyone who graduated without a university network, dealt with bad app fatigue, or tackled severe approach anxiety, what was the first small step that helped bridge the gap between "working on yourself" and actually finding love? Also, if anyone knows of good, low-pressure social groups or activities around Coventry or Birmingham where it's normal to show up alone, I would really appreciate the recommendations.

Thanks for reading, and any advice is appreciated!

I think it’s time to move on from dating sites and look to meet people irl. I’m curious to see if people have been to any speed dating or other singles events the Birmingham area?

If so, what are your thoughts? Are they organised well? Do you meet a good range of people? Are there ATTRACTIVE options? What are the male:female ratios like? Any events that stand out that I should consider?