u/Nervous_Designer_894

I’m a guy approaching 40, and I think I’ve only recently understood one part of “pretty privilege.”

I was married for about 10 years and had basically no adult dating experience. I never thought of myself as especially attractive, and got almost zero romantic attention as a teenager.

After my divorce I spent about a year focusing on myself, career, gym, clothes, grooming, skincare, hair/beard, etc. Basically a late-30s glow-up.

Then I got on Hinge.

In my first few months I went on seven dates and six wanted to keep seeing me seriously. After a later two-year relationship ended, I went back to dating and the same thing happened again, but even more intensely.

Lots of matches, women initiating sex quickly, buying me concert tickets, inviting me on trips, wanting relationships, etc. At one point I somehow had four overlapping situationships, and most knew I was dating other women.

What surprised me was how much some women would tolerate.

Women I thought would say “absolutely not, sort your shit out” sometimes stayed involved. Some kept coming back after I ended things. Some accepted situations they previously said they wouldn’t.

That changed how I think attraction works.

I used to think looks mostly got you through the door, then personality and behaviour determined what happened.

Now I think strong attraction can actually change the rules.

People tolerate more, attach faster, become sexual faster, forgive more and rationalise red flags they probably wouldn’t accept from someone they were less attracted to.

Ironically, the woman I fell hardest for was probably the least conventionally attractive of the women I dated. I found her very attractive personally, but it was mostly her personality and our connection.

She also had the strongest boundaries.

Her assessment was basically, you’re smart, fun and fundamentally decent, but you’re insecure and using attention from women to feed your ego, and I don’t want to be part of the mess.

She was probably right.

Going from very little romantic validation for most of my life to suddenly getting a lot of it did weird things to my brain.

And I finally understood something attractive women often say:

Having lots of people want you isn’t necessarily the same as knowing why someone wants you.

Do they actually like your personality? Are you unusually compatible? Or are they overlooking things because they’re extremely attracted to you?

The biggest lesson for me has been this:

If people keep rewarding you even when you behave badly, you need stronger internal boundaries because the outside world stops enforcing them for you.

I occasionally mistook “she still really wants me” for evidence that my behaviour couldn’t be that bad.

Obviously, that was wrong. I am fucking around with several women, in love with one who doesn't really want me right now, talking to multiple exes and lying to some.

I still don’t think I’m exceptionally handsome. I suspect it’s more the combination of looks, fitness, grooming, career, confidence and personality.

But my dating experience changed enough after improving my appearance that I no longer believe looks simply get your foot in the door.

Do highly attractive men genuinely experience a different set of behavioural rules from women, or am I over-attributing this to looks?

Yesterday, I was on the phone in a 3-way call between a girl I was in a situationship with and her ex-fiance.....and while the tea was entertaining AF, afterwards I thought to myself, wtf is happening here and why have similar situations like this happened several times in my life.

I’ve been reflecting and realised that nearly every serious romantic situation I’ve been in somehow becomes ridiculously complicated.

My ex-wife and I were together for a very long time. She was bisexual, which I always knew and was always okay with. However, at various points she developed feelings for women, there would be arguments/fallouts with them, and somehow I’d end up in the middle acting like an unpaid relationship mediator.

After we separated, I got into another long-term relationship with someone who actually wanted the most boring, stable, committed relationship imaginable. Unfortunately, I increasingly wanted out. I tried leaving multiple times, dated other people at different points, and generally had one foot outside the relationship. But every breakup became guilt, arguments, pressure, reconciliation, another breakup, repeat. Somehow a relationship I didn't even really want became extremely difficult to actually leave.

Then I met someone I really liked. Great connection, lots of chemistry... except my unresolved relationship came crashing straight through the front door and turned that situation into another episode of drama*.* She also happened to have her own ongoing drama with an ex and at some point, I remember this night we had just had sex, and she just casually mentioned I might have to go to the police station tomorrow. I'm like, "What for?" She said, "My ex accused me of domestic violence, and he's pressing charges, and I have to give a statement." I was like, "What, are you not worried?" She's like, "Now I have all the evidence I need to protect myself. He assaulted me. I have recordings of him admitting that, so I'm not worried either way."

Years earlier, during my first separation from my ex-wife, I had a completely chaotic situationship with a woman who told me she’d broken up with her ex while he was working in the US. We were sleeping together almost every day for a few months, going out openly where his friends could see us, and because she was gorgeous and seemed happy to show me off, I thought it was great. Then he came back and she suddenly stopped wanting to see me. She claimed he was jealous and spying on her, but a friend eventually sent me a screenshot showing they were clearly back together. I cut her off, but she insisted they were only “keeping up appearances” and begged me to go to a club with her. One night I eventually did, her ex found out, showed up and beat her up in public, and afterwards I heard he was threatening to find me and shoot me. I told her I wanted nothing more to do with the situation, but she kept trying to get me back for months. Eventually my ex-wife and I reconciled, and then this woman contacted her claiming I’d cheated with my wife’s best friend and even sent badly Photoshopped screenshots supposedly proving it. So that particular rebound went from hot situationship to lies, violence, death threats and fake evidence pretty quickly.

The annoying thing is, I genuinely want stability. I hate the anxiety, arguments and uncertainty.

But I also have to admit I sometimes enjoy telling my friends the stories afterwards. Almost all of the women involved in the stories are exceptionally attractive women. Or at least, even if they're not exceptionally attractive, they have very magnetic, charismatic personalities. There is definitely a part of me that finds the absurdity entertaining once I'm not actively suffering through it.

For context, if this helps I was bullied quite badly growing up and became a pretty strong people-pleaser. I don't like disappointing people, I feel responsible for other people's feelings, and I'm terrible at clean endings. I’ll stay, explain, negotiate, try to fix things, feel guilty, leave halfway, come back, etc. I'm starting to wonder whether that's actually a huge part of the problem.

I also know that I'm in my late 30s, and I have fixed most of those problems. I'm actually quite charismatic now. I've been told I have a great, funny, chill personality. I work out a lot. I've been gymming for like 15 years, and I have a really good body now. I'm really good in bed. Not trying to show off about it, but I am. I have a really good job. I'm quite responsible. I own my own flat, keep my place impeccable, and women say i have very good emotional intelligence, so I can bond and build emotional connections with women very, very easily. That's why the ones that I have gotten into relationships with have trouble letting me go.

Right now, even today, four exes reached out to me today for different reasons:

1. Just wanting to know how my recent vacation was and if I saw the eclipse. That's my ex-wife.
2. My recent ex wanted my advice with something for some jobs she was applying for and to say she missed me and how she hopes she can see me next week. I told her, "Probably not."
3. Wanted to discuss some drama with me in her life and get some advice. In that exact conversation, she starts seeing how much she misses me and how maybe we should meet up soon. This is the one I actually do like quite a bit, so I said yes.
4. Another one who I hooked up with recently. She isn't like a real ex. She's just a girl I fucked a few times. She wants to meet up again soon, which I did tell her, maybe if I have time.

So my real question is, Does anyone else genuinely crave a peaceful relationship but repeatedly end up in high-drama situations?

Did you eventually realise you were just choosing dramatic people, or were you unconsciously helping create the conditions for drama by avoiding clean breakups, tolerating too much, needing emotional intensity, people-pleasing, etc.?

And if you broke that pattern, what actually changed?

So this is a bit of a weird question, but I've noticed an attitude that while isn't unique to Trinis, it's very very common.

So here's why i bring this up. I've got a cousin who I lost touch with for over 20 years. We were fairly close when we were kids.

Our lives have turned out drastically different.

She's now 42, very obese, single, only had one boyfriend her entire life, looks closer to 55 and has no job or career, no real friends and lives at home.

Not to humble brag, but I'm living in the UK, got a great high paying career in tech, I gym a lot, 39, single, but enjoying single life with no shortage of women around and a good social life.

I've been trying to help her with her life. She expresses so much jealousy for my life, but she doesn't know how much it's also been a struggle for me.

She is EXTREMELY spoiled and entitled. She does know she's not attractive, but constantly makes any man who's interested in her jump through hoops. She sends me screenshots of her conversations asking if she was wrong (she is 99% of the time), examples include a guy being nice, respectful asking her questions e.g.:

"So what was your career like?" and her response would be "You too fast asking me that, it doesnt mattter about my career".

or a guy saying "You're 42, which isn't a problem, but i do wanna have kids and I think at your age, it's gonna be difficult, though not impossible" and her response is "Who the fuck you is to tell me that? go with some 20 year old if you want kids and stop chasing me then".

One thing I should mention is that she is holding out for a "Rich, tall, goodlooking, fair skin man, preferrably a doctor who could mine me". I really really hope she isn't that delusional, but sadly I think she is.

Other issues is WRT to her job, she constantly complains that she can't do an office job she has to get a remote job.

She says she can't drive far because she gets 'pains'.

She constantly bad talks everyone who seems successful saying things like "They know somebody that's how they get a job" or "She does be sleeping with everybody", even her best friend, she has nothing good to say about.

She's a fair skinned indian and constantly calls people "black and ugly" and says things like "How she even get a man, she so black and ugly".

When I asked her has she considered expanding her dating pool, there's lots of nice black and maybe Venezuelan man who might be an option, her responses are "Oh geed, I not bringing home no black man them so ugly" and for the venezulans "You mad, them have no money".

I tell her off every time she says something out of timing. I told her, "please do not call people black and ugly, that is very distasteful and i can't condone that". She will stop for a few days and then start back.

She's also vegetarian and very religous and bad talks other indians who eat beef or pork. I tell her well I do, and she says it's because you not a hindu.

She hates carnival, hates on women who dress skimpy, just a big big hater.

However, she isn't the focus of this post, the focus is that her attitude is quite common in Trinidad. I see it on facebook, IG and on this forum.

Tonnes of negativity and hater attitudes which breed a crab in barrel victim mindset. Always wanting to blame someone else like the government, colonialism, their family etc for not being a success.

Look I get it, there were many times in life when I was poor, struggling and could have become a victim and blamed others, but I never did. I know my life is my responsibility, and despite our short comings as a country, Trinidad has provided us with SO MUCH opportuntines for success. We are a blessed country.

So have you ever had somebody close to you constantly complain about their life while rejecting practically every suggestion or opportunity to improve it? How did you deal with them?

And do you think Trini culture sometimes rewards complaining and cynicism more than ambition, discipline and personal responsibility? Or is that an unfair generalisation?

I’m in my late 30s and recently had a therapy session that made me look at my dating life very differently.

A few years ago my marriage ended. My ex-wife was my first real love and I was completely devoted to her. We still loved each other, but wanted different lives: I wanted children, she didn’t, and she wanted to eventually return to her home country while I wanted to stay in London.

The breakup absolutely destroyed me. Instead of properly dealing with it, I went on dating apps.

Looking back, attention from women became a coping mechanism. There were hookups, dates and eventually another serious relationship. She was very good to me, but we weren’t compatible long term either, particularly around children, religion and where we wanted to live.

That ended earlier this year and I went straight back to dating and sleeping around. I told myself I was being honest because I wasn’t promising anyone a relationship, but I also knew some women were getting attached and carried on seeing them anyway.

Then I met someone who completely threw me.

I’ve dated plenty and had serious relationships before, but this felt very different. We had almost identical humour, could talk for hours, travelled incredibly well together, had amazing sexual chemistry and seemed to understand each other very quickly.

She’s also ridiculously beautiful. Weirdly, as a kid I used to imagine that my future wife would be this cute, beautiful French girl. Well, she happens to be exactly that, with a smile to die for.

For the first time since my marriage, I genuinely thought: I could build my life with this person.

The problem was that she gradually discovered how messy my dating life had been around the time we met.

I never cheated once we were exclusive, but I downplayed how many women I’d been involved with. She was also deeply hurt that after we first slept together, I slept with several other women before we became exclusive.

Her position was basically:

“I believe you care about me, but I don’t trust that you’ve dealt with whatever makes you constantly need attention from women. I’m not willing to fall further in love with you and then have you destroy me.”

At first I thought that was unfair because I knew I could be faithful. I had been faithful throughout my marriage.

Now I think I understand what she meant.

She ended things, but neither of us has been very good at staying away. Over the last few months she’s broken no contact several times. We’ve slept together twice, gone out together and still have emotionally intense conversations.

Sometimes afterwards she becomes completely detached and says it was just fun. Other times she gets emotional and says she can’t keep doing this because she still has feelings for me.

She keeps telling me:

“You’re not there yet.”

I once told her I would change if she stayed with me.

She replied:

“Then you’d be doing it for me. I need you to do it for yourself.”

That annoyed me at the time. It makes a lot more sense now.

Because the truth is my life is still tangled. My previous partner wants me back. My ex-wife has said part of her would take me back. Women I’ve previously slept with still occasionally reach out.

And the uncomfortable truth is:

Part of me likes keeping those doors open.

Even if I don’t particularly want any of them, knowing I have options makes me feel safe. The idea of having nobody scares me.

I recently saw a relationship therapist who basically suggested that I get a huge amount of my self-worth from being wanted and needed by women.

I tend to become very supportive and emotionally important to people. They get attached to me, and their attachment reassures me that I matter.

Meanwhile, I’m terrified of being alone.

That explanation hit me pretty hard, and it also made me realise that the woman I fell for may have spotted the pattern before I did.

So I think my problem is bigger than deciding which woman I want.

I’m wondering whether I need to stop dating completely for a while, shut the doors with exes and casual relationships, and actually learn to tolerate having nobody waiting in the wings.

The fact that this idea genuinely scares me is probably significant.

For anyone who has dealt with something similar:

How do you stop needing romantic/sexual validation?

How do you tell the difference between genuinely loving someone and being addicted to feeling wanted by them?

And if I genuinely believe this woman was special, is the healthiest thing I can do simply leave her alone, work on myself without expecting her to come back, and accept that I may have already lost her?

I’m not looking for reassurance that I’m secretly a great guy. I can see that some of my behaviour has been selfish and has hurt people.

I’m trying to work out how you actually change this rather than just promising somebody you will.

TL;DR: My marriage ended badly, I coped through dating/sex and developed a pattern of needing attention from women. I then met someone I genuinely fell for, but she walked away because she didn’t trust that I’d dealt with that pattern. Therapy has made me realise I keep exes and casual partners around partly because I’m scared of having nobody. How do I actually break that?

I’m in my late 30s and recently had a therapy session that made me look at my dating life in a way I really hadn’t before. I’m interested in hearing some outside perspectives, particularly from people who have had similar patterns.

A few years ago, my marriage ended. My ex-wife was my first real love and I was completely devoted to her. The relationship didn’t end because of cheating or because we stopped loving each other. We ultimately wanted different lives: I wanted children, she didn’t, and she wanted to eventually return to her home country to be closer to ageing and dying family while I wanted to remain in London. She didn't want me to give up the life I worked hard to build and she left.

It was by far the most painful breakup I’ve experienced. She suggested no contact because she thought it would help us move on, and I found it incredibly difficult.

Instead of really dealing with it, I went on dating apps.

Looking back, attention from women became a coping mechanism. There were hookups, dates and eventually another serious relationship. That woman was genuinely very good to me, but over time I realised we weren’t compatible long term either. Again, children were an issue, as were where we wanted to live and some major differences in religious beliefs.

I ended that relationship earlier this year.

Then I repeated the same behaviour, only worse. I went back onto the apps, slept with several women and enjoyed the validation far more than I want to admit. I tried to be honest that I wasn’t offering a relationship, but in hindsight I could see that a couple of women were becoming attached and I continued seeing them anyway. Some were understandably very angry when I eventually ended things.

Then I met someone who completely threw me.

I’ve had relationships before and dated plenty, so I don’t say this lightly, but the connection felt unusually strong. We had very similar humour, could talk for hours, travelled brilliantly together, had great sexual chemistry, enjoyed going out together and seemed to understand each other incredibly quickly. She is exceptionally beautiful and so strangely, whenever I was a kid I would often envision a woman who'd be my future wife. I always pictured a cute, very pretty french girl. Well guess who's a cute, pretty french girl with a smile to die for?

For the first time since my marriage, I thought, I could genuinely build my life with this person.

The problem was that she gradually discovered how messy my dating life had been around the period when we met. I hadn’t cheated on her once we were exclusive, but I had downplayed how many women I had been involved with beforehand.

She felt deceived, hurt, hurt that I slept with several women after sleeping with her.

Her position was basically, “I believe you care about me, but I don’t trust that you’ve dealt with whatever makes you constantly need attention from women. I’m not willing to let myself fall further in love with you and then have you destroy me.”

I initially thought this was unfair because I knew I could be faithful. I had been faithful throughout my marriage.

But I’m starting to understand what she meant.

She ended things, although neither of us has been very good at staying away from the other. Over the last few months she has broken no contact repeatedly. We’ve slept together twice and gone out together a couple of times. Sometimes afterwards she acts completely detached and says it was just fun. Other times she becomes emotional and says she can’t keep doing this.

She repeatedly tells me: “You’re not there yet.”

I once told her that if she stayed with me, I would change.

Her response was essentially: “Then you’d be doing it for me. I need you to do it for yourself.”

At the same time, my life is still ridiculously tangled.

My previous partner wants me back and keeps trying. My ex-wife has admitted that part of her would take me back if I wanted. There are also women I previously had casual relationships with who occasionally reach out and I have trouble saying no to them now that I'm single.

And here is probably the part I’m most uncomfortable admitting:

Part of me likes keeping those doors open.

Even if I don’t particularly want to sleep with them or restart relationships, having “backup options” makes me feel safer. Closing every door and having nobody available scares me more than I realised.

I had a session with a relationship therapist recently and she challenged me pretty hard on this. Firstly, I have been in therapy a lot since my divorce, through betterhelp and Bupa, however this therapist is extremely expensive, £400/hr and I was super skeptical if not for my Director at work recommending her.

She was 100% worth the money, holy shit. She shed light on some many things after just one hour.

Her interpretation was that I’ve learned to get a huge amount of my self-worth from being wanted and needed by women. She asked about my childhood and pointed out that I seem particularly drawn to women who themselves have some emotional vulnerability, and that I’m very good at making people feel understood, cared for and safe.

That sounds flattering on the surface, but her point wasn’t flattering.

She suggested that somewhere along the way I learned that being needed makes me feel secure. So I become intensely supportive and emotionally important to people, they become attached to me, and then their attachment reassures me that I’m valuable.

Meanwhile, I’m terrified of having nobody.

That explanation landed harder than I expected.

It also made me realise that the woman I recently fell for may have recognised the pattern before I did. Her refusal to be my motivation for changing suddenly makes much more sense to me.

So I think my actual problem is bigger than deciding which woman I should be with.

I’m beginning to wonder whether I need to stop dating completely for a while, close the doors with the casual relationships and exes, and learn what it feels like to have nobody waiting in the wings.

That idea genuinely makes me uncomfortable, which is probably significant.

For people who have experienced anything similar:

How do you actually learn to stop needing romantic/sexual validation?

How do you distinguish genuinely loving someone from being addicted to how being wanted by them makes you feel?

And if I genuinely believe this recent woman was someone special, is the healthiest thing I can do right now simply leave her alone, work on myself without expecting her to come back, and accept that I may have already lost her?

I’m not looking for reassurance that I’m secretly a great guy. I can see that some of my behaviour has been selfish and that people have been hurt by it even when hurting them wasn’t my intention.

I’m trying to understand how you actually change this rather than just promising someone that you will.

TL;DR: Marriage ended painfully, I coped by seeking attention and sex, moved into another incompatible relationship, repeated the pattern after that ended, and then met someone I genuinely fell for. She walked away because she doesn’t trust that I’ve dealt with my need for validation from women. Therapy has made me realise I keep exes/casual partners around partly because I’m afraid of having nobody. How do I break that pattern properly rather than just jumping into another relationship?

I’m in my late 30s and recently had a therapy session that made me look at my dating life in a way I really hadn’t before. I’m interested in hearing some outside perspectives, particularly from people who have had similar patterns.

A few years ago, my marriage ended. My ex-wife was my first real love and I was completely devoted to her. The relationship didn’t end because of cheating or because we stopped loving each other. We ultimately wanted different lives: I wanted children, she didn’t, and she wanted to eventually return to her home country to be closer to ageing and dying family while I wanted to remain in London. She didn't want me to give up the life I worked hard to build and she left.

It was by far the most painful breakup I’ve experienced. She suggested no contact because she thought it would help us move on, and I found it incredibly difficult.

Instead of really dealing with it, I went on dating apps.

Looking back, attention from women became a coping mechanism. There were hookups, dates and eventually another serious relationship. That woman was genuinely very good to me, but over time I realised we weren’t compatible long term either. Again, children were an issue, as were where we wanted to live and some major differences in religious beliefs.

I ended that relationship earlier this year.

Then I repeated the same behaviour, only worse. I went back onto the apps, slept with several women and enjoyed the validation far more than I want to admit. I tried to be honest that I wasn’t offering a relationship, but in hindsight I could see that a couple of women were becoming attached and I continued seeing them anyway. Some were understandably very angry when I eventually ended things.

Then I met someone who completely threw me.

I’ve had relationships before and dated plenty, so I don’t say this lightly, but the connection felt unusually strong. We had very similar humour, could talk for hours, travelled brilliantly together, had great sexual chemistry, enjoyed going out together and seemed to understand each other incredibly quickly. She is exceptionally beautiful and so strangely, whenever I was a kid I would often envision a woman who'd be my future wife. I always pictured a cute, very pretty french girl. Well guess who's a cute, pretty french girl with a smile to die for?

For the first time since my marriage, I thought, I could genuinely build my life with this person.

The problem was that she gradually discovered how messy my dating life had been around the period when we met. I hadn’t cheated on her once we were exclusive, but I had downplayed how many women I had been involved with beforehand.

She felt deceived, hurt, hurt that I slept with several women after sleeping with her.

Her position was basically, “I believe you care about me, but I don’t trust that you’ve dealt with whatever makes you constantly need attention from women. I’m not willing to let myself fall further in love with you and then have you destroy me.”

I initially thought this was unfair because I knew I could be faithful. I had been faithful throughout my marriage.

But I’m starting to understand what she meant.

She ended things, although neither of us has been very good at staying away from the other. Over the last few months she has broken no contact repeatedly. We’ve slept together twice and gone out together a couple of times. Sometimes afterwards she acts completely detached and says it was just fun. Other times she becomes emotional and says she can’t keep doing this.

She repeatedly tells me: “You’re not there yet.”

I once told her that if she stayed with me, I would change.

Her response was essentially: “Then you’d be doing it for me. I need you to do it for yourself.”

At the same time, my life is still ridiculously tangled.

My previous partner wants me back and keeps trying. My ex-wife has admitted that part of her would take me back if I wanted. There are also women I previously had casual relationships with who occasionally reach out and I have trouble saying no to them now that I'm single.

And here is probably the part I’m most uncomfortable admitting:

Part of me likes keeping those doors open.

Even if I don’t particularly want to sleep with them or restart relationships, having “backup options” makes me feel safer. Closing every door and having nobody available scares me more than I realised.

I had a session with a relationship therapist recently and she challenged me pretty hard on this. Firstly, I have been in therapy a lot since my divorce, through betterhelp and Bupa, however this therapist is extremely expensive, £400/hr and I was super skeptical if not for my Director at work recommending her.

She was 100% worth the money, holy shit. She shed light on some many things after just one hour.

Her interpretation was that I’ve learned to get a huge amount of my self-worth from being wanted and needed by women. She asked about my childhood and pointed out that I seem particularly drawn to women who themselves have some emotional vulnerability, and that I’m very good at making people feel understood, cared for and safe.

That sounds flattering on the surface, but her point wasn’t flattering.

She suggested that somewhere along the way I learned that being needed makes me feel secure. So I become intensely supportive and emotionally important to people, they become attached to me, and then their attachment reassures me that I’m valuable.

Meanwhile, I’m terrified of having nobody.

That explanation landed harder than I expected.

It also made me realise that the woman I recently fell for may have recognised the pattern before I did. Her refusal to be my motivation for changing suddenly makes much more sense to me.

So I think my actual problem is bigger than deciding which woman I should be with.

I’m beginning to wonder whether I need to stop dating completely for a while, close the doors with the casual relationships and exes, and learn what it feels like to have nobody waiting in the wings.

That idea genuinely makes me uncomfortable, which is probably significant.

For people who have experienced anything similar:

How do you actually learn to stop needing romantic/sexual validation?

How do you distinguish genuinely loving someone from being addicted to how being wanted by them makes you feel?

And if I genuinely believe this recent woman was someone special, is the healthiest thing I can do right now simply leave her alone, work on myself without expecting her to come back, and accept that I may have already lost her?

I’m not looking for reassurance that I’m secretly a great guy. I can see that some of my behaviour has been selfish and that people have been hurt by it even when hurting them wasn’t my intention.

I’m trying to understand how you actually change this rather than just promising someone that you will.

TL;DR: Marriage ended painfully, I coped by seeking attention and sex, moved into another incompatible relationship, repeated the pattern after that ended, and then met someone I genuinely fell for. She walked away because she doesn’t trust that I’ve dealt with my need for validation from women. Therapy has made me realise I keep exes/casual partners around partly because I’m afraid of having nobody. How do I break that pattern properly rather than just jumping into another relationship?

Look, I like football, but honestly, watching the men’s game makes me understand why so many women get annoyed by the way men talk about women being “too emotional.”

These players spend half the match diving, screaming, rolling around on the floor and acting like they’ve been seriously injured because someone touched their ankle. Then when they lose, they’re crying uncontrollably, collapsing on the pitch and needing to be comforted by everyone around them. Which is fine, people are allowed to be emotional, but maybe stop pretending emotional behaviour is somehow a female weakness when men do all of this over football.

Then there’s the insane difference in attention compared with the Women’s World Cup. The media coverage is everywhere, social media is completely obsessed, and grown men act like players such as Haaland, Messi and Ronaldo are religious figures. Ronaldo has faced extremely serious rape allegations, yet people still worship him and shut down anyone who mentions it.

The third thing is the double standard around behaviour. Male players can be arrogant, aggressive, rude to referees, fight with opponents and act like complete idiots, and it gets framed as passion or a winning mentality. A woman shows half that confidence and suddenly she is unlikeable, arrogant, dramatic or needs to be humbled.

The amount of money, attention and cultural importance given to the men’s game also feels ridiculous when women’s football is still treated like a side event. It is not that people genuinely care more about sporting quality. A lot of it is just decades of money, marketing and men being told that male football matters more.

I am not saying men should not cry or show emotion. I am saying the hypocrisy is embarrassing. Men mock women for being dramatic, emotional and attention-seeking, then spend an entire month screaming at televisions, abusing referees online, worshipping footballers and crying when their team gets knocked out.

Edit:

1. As many mentioned, there'll definitely be a spike in DV cases as with all big sporting events,

2. I forgot how engraged I feel when the camera men only focus on attractive female spectators during the game, never showing regular women or men that much (unless in costume or something).

I went to a major concert recently (won't say who but it's 3 major popular bands), and it really made me question whether live music is still good value for most bands.

By the time you've paid for tickets, transport, food, drinks, maybe a hotel, and spent hours getting there and back, you're easily £150–£400+ out of pocket.

Then the band comes on... and instead of playing the songs that made everyone buy tickets in the first place, they spend 30–50% of the show playing deep cuts, new album tracks, or songs that most of the crowd barely knows.

And it's not just me, you can gauge audience reaction and see that 80-90% of the crowd don't know that obscure song on your first album or the recent track that gained maybe 50k plays on spotify.

It really pisses me off when bands do this, when you can easily go to a bands subreddit or their streaming platform and see their most listened to/liked tracks.

I completely understand that artists don't want to become a jukebox, and I get that musicians enjoy playing newer material. But as a fan, I'm paying to hear the songs that made me a fan.

To me, a concert should feel like the "greatest hits" version of a band's career, with a few (max 2) newer songs mixed in, not the other way around.

Ironically, tribute bands often seem to understand this better. They know exactly why people bought tickets, so they just play hit after hit, and the crowd is singing almost every song. I've realised I find this wayyyy more enjoyable.

Now don't get me wrong, some bands did this so right. I went to Linkin Park last year and literally almost the entire setlist were bangers that the crowd loved. Now the Metallica show i went to, had so many tracks that put the crowd to sleep.

For me, a concert is worth paying for when:

• Most of the setlist consists of well-known songs.
• The performance brings something unique (stage production, musicianship, crowd interaction, atmosphere).
• I leave thinking, "That was something I couldn't have experienced by just listening on Spotify."

Otherwise, it starts to feel like fans are paying premium prices simply to fund another tour.

I'm fully open to changing my view. If you think bands shouldn't prioritize their biggest songs, or that I'm looking at concerts the wrong way, I'd genuinely like to hear the argument.

Because I'm guessing FIFA is afraid of Trump, they bent a rule they've never bent before by overturning a red card decision AFTER Trump called and made a big deal about it.

That is insane!!! A massive over reach of power and bullying FIFA. I actually feel sorry for them as they're probably stuck in a no win situation.

Anyone else pissed AF about this? It just makes the world hate the US even more.

So when my ex-wife and I were separated I dated her former best friend for 9 months, then we got back together. They re-kindled their friendship after.

When my ex-wife and I divorced my gf after that became close friends with my ex-wife as they bonded over some spirituality stuff.

After my girlfriend and i broke up, I started dating a new girl (my current gf) and she wanted to meet my ex-wife since I told her my ex-wife and I were still close friends.

They apparently hit it off and often catch up for coffee or gym no and then.

My gf also met and spoke to my previous gf a bit, but they aren't really friends.

Last week however, I got into a bit of an accident, fell off a ladder at my gf's house and hit my head.

She told my ex-wife, who then told my two other exes.

At the hospital, they all visited, and my current gf was friendly to all of them.

They're all very very similar, not just in looks. They're all under 5'4", slim but curvy, long hair and similar ethnicities, latin, arab or south asian (I say similar as they all look alike). They're all smart, emotionally intelligent, bubbly, can do women who aren't typical girly type women.

I say this as someone who has watched football for years, not as someone who just discovered the sport and wants it turned into basketball. I understand that low-scoring games can be tense, that defending is a skill, and that one of football’s strengths is that an underdog can survive pressure, take one chance, and win.

But I still think football too often crosses the line from “tactical and tense” into “boring and overly tolerant of negative play.”

Watching a team dominate possession, territory, chances, and general quality, only to draw 0-0 or lose because the other team spent 90 minutes defending deep, breaking up play, wasting time, and hoping for one moment, is frustrating. I know some people will say that is part of the beauty of the sport, and to an extent I agree. A weaker team should have a realistic chance. I do not want football to become a sport where the richer, more technical, more attacking side always wins.

But there is a difference between giving underdogs a chance and creating incentives where low-risk defensive play, time-wasting, cynical fouls, diving, and hyper-technical offside calls are rewarded too much.

I think three relatively small changes would improve the sport without destroying what makes it football:

1. Relax the offside rule. Being offside by a shoulder, toe, or armpit is ridiculous. The rule should be closer to “clear daylight” between the attacker and the last defender. If the attacker is basically level, give the advantage to the attacking player.

I know the counterargument is that this might just make defenders sit deeper, which could reduce space rather than create more attacking football. That is possible. But I still think the current rule punishes attacking players for margins that do not feel meaningful. If the attacker has not gained a clear, visible advantage, I do not think the goal should be ruled out.

1. Stop the clock when the ball is out of play. So much of football is fake urgency and managed time-wasting. Players walk slowly to throw-ins, goalkeepers take forever, teams drag out substitutions, players stay down to kill momentum, and then everyone pretends five or six minutes of added time properly fixes it.

I understand the fear that stopping the clock could make matches longer or open the door to ad breaks, especially in countries used to heavily commercialised sports. I would absolutely oppose turning football into that. But the principle still seems right: fans should get a predictable amount of actual football, not 55–60 minutes of play plus a load of shithousery.

1. Punish diving and cynical fouls more seriously. Refs should play advantage more often instead of rewarding players for falling over. Diving should be punished after review, and tactical fouls should carry more weight. I would even support temporary sin-bins for some yellow-card offences, say 10 minutes off the pitch, so cynical fouls actually hurt the offending team immediately.

I realise this could be hard to enforce consistently, and I do not think every yellow card should automatically lead to a sin-bin. But for deliberate tactical fouls, blatant simulation, or repeated cynical fouling, the current punishment often feels too weak. A yellow card in the 70th minute for killing a dangerous counterattack is usually a great trade for the defending team. That seems backwards.

To be clear, I am not saying more goals automatically equals better football. A 1-0 can be brilliant and a 4-3 can be chaotic nonsense. I also do not want to remove defensive football, counterattacking, pressing, low blocks, or tactical variety. Those are all legitimate parts of the sport.

My issue is that the current rules often seem too forgiving toward the least entertaining behaviours in the game: wasting time, diving, killing transitions, and defending with the knowledge that tiny margins and low scoring make it easier to escape without actually offering much going forward.

Football has changed before. The back-pass rule, goal-line technology, VAR, five substitutions, semi-automated offside, and stricter added-time enforcement all changed the game in some way. So I do not buy the idea that the current version is sacred or that any attempt to make it more watchable means you “don’t understand football.”

CMV: football would be significantly more entertaining, while still tactically rich, if the rules gave attackers more benefit of the doubt, cut down time-wasting, and punished cynical defensive behaviour more harshly.

I'm a data scientist and I've been A/B testing various things on my profile, but not just mine, 2 other friends have agreed to do the same and we've found some intereting conclusions.

Advice that opposes reddit's findings:

1. Pics with other females, especially attractive females improved our match rate significantly

2. Selfies or gym pics did not harm our match rate, hard to really evaluate because we can't say for sure if the other pics we replaced them with were better.

Advice that agrees with reddit's reccomendations.

1. Sunglasses and cap pics did not perform well

2. Group photos with guys did horribly

Now I have an ex who I broke up with 4 years ago, it was a long term (7 year) relationship. She calls me maybe once every 2 weeks to chat, talk about her life, her career, her current relationship issues etc. never about us or getting back together. I feel this fine but many friends or current partners said it's weird.

I have another ex, we just dated for 3 months after that breakup. We parted amicably too, we were both dating other people and decided to pursue them. But we had great friendship vibe, and we've remained in touch. Every so often we meet up for drinks or a meal. Contact with her is much less frequentl, like once every 3 months. Again, we don't fool around or talk about us.

I then dated another woman for 2.5 years. She often reaches out ot me when she's emotionally stressed. She often wants to come over to escape her life (she has kids and a horrible ex husband) and whenever she does come, we do have sex. I have told her repeatedly that we're not together and it's just sex. But she also keeps trying to get me back into a relationship with her.

I was dating a woman I found absolutely amazing and stunning for 3 months, but she learned about my exes situation and didn't feel comfortable. However, we had such a good connection and sexual chemistry. We broke up 8 weeks ago.

However, she occasionally reaches out when she wants somene to talk to, if we meet up (which we did twice), it gets emotionally messy fast as we both have strong (probably love) feelings for each other and she then pushes me away when that happens. She's very avoidant and has experienced a lot of pain so I get it.

It just hit me today as all 4 of them messaged me or called this morning for various reasons:

1. Long time ex wanted to know if she could use me as a reference for a new flat she's moving into

2. Ex with kids wanted to ask me about where to get some clothes for her son and then to complain about her ex-husband

3. Ex (the one for 3 months, 3 years ago) wanted some AI advice on something at her company.

4. The most recent one from 8 weeks ago wanted emotional support and then hinted that she wanted to give us a try again.

I know nothing is normal, but I'm just wondering what or why is this happening to me?

I’m 39M and I had a complicated connection with a woman 33F.

She would sometimes tell me things like, “I’m not your person,” or "You can do better than me" but then her actions felt like the opposite. In person, she was warm, funny, affectionate, thoughtful, and clearly emotionally affected by me. She got me small gifts every time i saw her, made time for me, kissed me like she meant it, told me I was the best kisser she’d ever had, said she never let go with someone in sex like this and said several times that she hated how much she liked me. On our last date (a month ago) which started with us chilling with her friends, she thanked me so much over and over and on the way home. She said her friends loved me, loved how I took care of them and planned and organised a super fun night for them. She said so many times she was getting so turned on when I just handled everything, she said when I bought two bottles of wine unprompted for the group, she said "omg my heart and pussy melted just melted in that moment, you were the man!"

At the same time, my life was messy. I had unfinished emotional baggage, an ex still in the picture in some ways (stalking and harressing), and I think she saw me as someone who felt beautiful but also unsafe for her long-term peace. She said I put her in a bad place sometimes because she liked me and felt vulnerable. She said several times "this is scary for me, I can't do it". She was also hurt really really badly in the past by her fiance and said several times before she hasn't loved someone this much since her breakup with her fiance 2 years ago.

So I keep going back and forth in my head. Was she lying? Was she faking? Was she using me? Was she using me for money (I sent her £200 over 8 weeks as she was out of money)? Or did she genuinely care, but decide that caring wasn’t enough because I represented too much chaos, uncertainty, and potential hurt?

The hardest part is that I don’t think she was fake. I've been with enough women (20+) to when feelings are present or not.

While everyone is different, I think she meant a lot of what she said in the moment. But she still didn’t choose me fully.

I’m trying to accept that being loved in moments isn’t the same as being chosen consistently.

Has anyone experienced this? Can someone genuinely care about you deeply and still walk away because the situation feels too unstable or frightening? How do you stop turning unfinished love into “the one that got away”?

Everyone tells me and I see it online, if someone loves you or wants you, nothing stops them. But this situation feels so much more confusing.

PS.....she pushed back on me after a night I had to go to my ex to calm her down because she was behaving suicidal. I did not kiss or sleep with her, but when I got back to my gf my ex kept calling and actign up again, and I kept having to pacify her.

When I came off the phone, my gf left, she said she couldn't deal and blocked me on everything.

That was the last time I saw her, we have exchanged a few emails and she said she's giving me till July to sort my situation out.

Since then I have unfortunately slept with my ex about 10 times.

I found out from a mutual friend that she also didn't keep her end of the deal and is seeing a guy she dated last year.

I met her a few months ago, became close friends first, proper friends, walks, cooking, coworking, sharing stories, very bondign experience. I did meet her on Hinge, but she told me about her recent bad breakup and she complained about not having anyone here as she's studying and has no support network here, so I told her she needs a friend not a boyfriend.

About a month ago it turned physical and the chemistry was genuinely surprising for both of us. For three weeks it felt like something real was forming. We had so much sex, spent a weekend practically naked in bed, havign sex about 10 times, watching so much fun Youtube videos, music, so romantic and bonding.

Then she pulled the brakes. Her reason....I'm still on good terms with two exes (one of them my ex-wife who I'm not officially divorced yet) and she can't be with someone that "entangled." She also told me, and this is the part that's been doing my head in, that I'm the first guy in years she's felt this strongly about, and that's exactly why she's scared. She said I'm the best kisser, best at sex, the first guy in her life who seems to really get her, how I'm so attractive, so much in common too. But she thinks I'll drop her for one my exes eventually so she'd rather not start. She thinks my exes are better looking than her, and she also doesn't like that I'm best friends with a very attractive woman who I've never hooked up with and don't want to, but her presence makes her insecure.

Fine. I respected it. Gave her space to figure out if she wants it or not. She's blocked me for a 2 to 3 days, several times now.

She hasn't gone anywhere and she always comes back.

She still messages constantly. Inside jokes, reels, references to things we talked about weeks ago. She's started hinting about events she wants us to go to together. And this week she asked if she could stay at my flat for two weeks while I'm away, to look after the house plants she got me.

Be real, what is happening here? After weeks of this push pull, I started pulling away 2 weeks ago, and she invited me to her flat, I went we had such a nice time catching up, had amazing sex again, and I spent the night and she loved cuddling with me. However the next day she asked me if I spoke to my most recent ex recently, and I said truthfully yes, she called because she was in the hospital and said I was her emergency contact still. When I told her that she blocked me immediatalely, then 2 hours later unblocked me saying she reacted badly because she got hit with a tonne of jealousy but said she apprecaited my honesty.

This is not the behaviour of someone who doesn't want a relationship, right?

I like her. Like i really fucking like her, i find her so smart, funny, cute, gorgeous smile, amazing body and ass, amazign dancer, so much fun, soooo much in common, and we bought do and give thought gifts to each other a lot.

I'd like to see where it goes. But I'm 39, not 22, and I've done enough of the "let's see what happens" thing to know it usually means I get to be emotionally invested in something with no agreed shape while she gets to keep all her options open. And I suspect she thinks the same of me.

So.....do I let her stay at my flat? She wants to rent out her place on spareroom to take advantage of the tourist season here in London, She could make a cool £2000 and as a student, I know how valuable this is.

I also do trust her, she's always been honest and open with me so I know I'm not gonna get robbed here.

Genuinely stuck on this one......I've asked her several times to have a relationship, now I just stopped.

But every time we have a call, or a good lil chat on whatspp, we both catch feeligns agains. It's weird.

I'm convinced this must be some new tiktok way to let a guy down easily.

I’m almost 40, live in London, have a good career, earn well, and I’d say I’m reasonably attractive. I’m 5’9, not tall, brown, not from the UK originally, and not some ultra-confident alpha type. I do take care of myself, stay in shape, dress well, and I’ve always been told I’m very easy to talk to, funny, calm, and someone people feel comfortable around.

I’ve also dated some very beautiful women in the past. Some were models, influencers, very popular girls, etc. That isn’t public knowledge unless someone really knew me, but it’s relevant because it seems to affect women I date now (they've all asked to see my exes).

I’ve been single for about five months and there’s a weird recurring pattern happening.

Recently I dated a woman for 8 or 9 dates. The last few were amazing, lots of chemistry, passion, intimacy, emotional connection. I was genuinely falling for her. Then suddenly she ended it, blocked me, then unblocked me a few days later.

When I asked why, she said she had developed feelings and got scared. She said she didn’t think she was good enough for me, that she’d seen my exes and thought they were gorgeous, and she couldn’t handle the insecurity. She said I was the best kisser, best sex she’d had, etc, but still pulled away because she was afraid of getting hurt.

Before her, another woman I dated for three dates did something similar. She was stunning, gym body, gorgeous face, the type of woman most men would be thrilled to date. She ended things and chose another guy who, by her own words, was less attractive, balding, had a gut, but “felt safer.” Eventually she admitted she just didn’t think she was good enough for me.

Even another woman I dated abroad in december told me she didn’t think she was good enough for me.

So this has happened multiple times now, with women who are objectively very attractive themselves and trust me, they do get attention. I've seen their Instagrams and their dating profiles and how much attention they get. They do get attention from men much more attractive than me. These aren’t women anyone would describe as below average. Some are genuinely head-turners.

What confuses me is that I don’t see myself the way they seem to. Which clearly means that they're lying.

I’m not walking around thinking I’m some elite guy. If anything, dating apps humble me constantly. I get maybe 5 to 10 matches a week on Hinge, decent but nowhere near what taller white friends of mine get with worse profiles.

So I’m trying to understand what’s really happening here.

Are these women genuinely insecure and self-sabotaging?
Is “you’re out of my league” just a soft rejection line?
Does my past with attractive women create pressure once they see it?
Or am I unknowingly giving off some vibe that makes women feel I’m unattainable or temporary? I'm not a fuck boy. I've been with less than ten women in my life.

Would appreciate honest perspectives, especially from women who’ve felt this way before.

I was trying to understand this because I’m also very close to my ex-wife. We probably speak once a week or once every couple of weeks. We never talk about our past relationship or reminisce. It’s more just catching up, career advice because we work in similar fields, talking about our families / mutual friends, and sometimes discussing our current relationships. She gives me advice, I give her advice, that kind of thing.

I’ve recently been on a few dates, and reactions have been mixed. Some women said outright that it would be a no for them, a red flag. Others considered it but said it would bother them too much. A couple of women said they were also friends with an ex, so they actually saw it as a positive because there was mutual understanding.