r/slaa

Male in my early 40s. I crave sex, love, porn, kink, and will do almost anything to get it. Not sure where I go from here.

so for some context ive been depressed since i was like 11-12 but never been diagnosed, now im 17

in march i went to a friend and we got drunk, which was kinda my first time drinking that much and i got sick but wtv, i never felt more peaceful than at that moment

and now i constantly think about drinking and being drunk but i really dont want to be an alcoholic obvs, i just wanna know how to stop thinking about it and if the feeling will ever pass, if its just a phase or idk

can we please offer some assistance with the moderation team?

It seems like there’s a lot of alcohol related posts coming through and I’m sure it’s like guacamole. WHACKAMOLE is what I actually said the guacamole is funny too.

I’m sure there’s a bunch of folks we’d love to help regularly. Thanks.

Hi. I've been coming to SLAA meetings for about a month and recently a very triggering situation has put me in frequent social circles with my acting out partner / qualifier / unhealthy former 'partner' (I am still figuring out the word to describe him that feels best to me). A mutual friend of ours - the person who introduced us - died suddenly in an accident and we are both back (him from Toronto, me from NYC) in the small town in rural Canada we used to live in spending time and grieving with our friends.

He has been near me in social situations many times over the past few days and we have interacted several times. One of my bottom lines is no contact with him, and I could have chosen to not go to the events I knew he'd be at, but then I wouldn't see my friends and would be alone grieving. I chose to attend the events knowing that they would be challenging for me to maintain my sobriety.

When I saw him at our friend's farm the other day, my former acting out partner gave me very mixed signals, which is so alluring and dangerous to me. He has a new partner and still he was expressing interest in me - but not completely directly. What a treat for my addiction! We made plans to meet up two days later, now tomorrow, for coffee. I wanted to spend some time alone with him - I knew I was really slipping and in a dangerous situation but I was so tempted to indulge in our connection. I also truly missed my friend, and the three of us had spent a lot of time together, so I wanted to grieve with a person who knew my deceased friend -- and yes, I knew this was dangerous emotional territory.

Anyways. My big moment - which may seem small to those with more recovery but feels huge to me - is that I just texted him canceling coffee tomorrow. I was honest with him for what feels like the first time, and I told him that the way he had been acting with me was not okay with me and that I needed to not see him for coffee. I chose MYSELF. I know that I didn't need to text him an explanation - that in recovery it's OK to be a 'jerk' and not explain - but I felt that it was important for me to say my piece, with honesty and clarity. I expect nothing in return.

I'm just so happy that I finally said no to my qualifier, that I had, and have, the opportunity to see him but I am choosing not to. I am acting in alignment with my internal moral compass and it feels wonderful. I am proud of myself for this small step. No matter what happens next, I am so glad I was finally honest -- with myself, and him! -- about how I feel and why his actions hurt me. Six months ago I would not have been able to walk away from this situation. I am so lucky. Thank you God, thank you SLAA, thank you for this day! One day at a time.

Tonight I was at home and I decided to get kinda drunk while watching porn . I drank too much and then went to the bathroom to puke out everything . I then went back to watching porn and jacked off before going to bed as a write this tonight.

I recognize that I have a problem. But I weirdly don’t feel anything . Like a feel numb about the whole situation. I’m not really sure what to do next but I heard admitting you have a problem is the first step I guess.

Hey, I decided to create r/trueslaa because it seems this sub never gets moderated and people just post whatever they want.. so let’s see how fast this gets removed lol..

The goal is to create a safe space for people who want a SLAA group without having to shift trough tons of spam. I do need moderators to help as this is a new page depending how much traffic we get. Thanks! Willing to take any constructive advice on the community too.

Hey everyone. I’m looking for an SLAA sponsor and figured I’d reach out here.

I’m in a pretty tough and busy season of life right now. I’m married with two very young kids—an infant and a toddler—and my wife and I are both juggling work, parenting, finances, and more than one job as we try to make ends meet. Life is pretty stressful for both of us right now.

At the same time, I know that recovery has to be a priority for me. I’ve been attending SLAA meetings in the mornings on my way to work, I see a therapist regularly, and I’m working on becoming more consistent with step work and recovery outside of meetings.

I’ve started working with a sponsor before, but scheduling has been difficult. I’m hoping to find someone who understands that I have some real limitations on my availability while still being willing to hold me accountable and help me seriously work the program.

My most reliable availability is usually around 3–4 p.m. Eastern, and I also have some availability after about 8:30 p.m. on certain evenings once my kids are in bed. Morning meetings are generally how I stay connected to the fellowship during the week.

I’m not looking for an easy way through the steps. I actually want to do the work. I’m just trying to figure out how to build consistent recovery into a life that is already pretty full.

I’m especially looking for someone who is comfortable working the steps, can provide some structure/accountability, and understands the realities of parenting young children and having a demanding schedule.

If anyone is available to sponsor, or knows someone who might be a good fit, please feel free to DM me. I’d really appreciate it.

My partner has had an addiction for a while(a couple years) this was way before we met and they’re currently trying to quit for me but have had problems quitting. I don’t know what to do and how to help(breaking up isn’t an option btw)

I (41 f) had a double mastectomy in June and my partner of 7 months (39 m) cared for me at his request after the surgery and took me to all the doctors appointments before and after surgery. He was very involved with my care and very supportive. My 15 year old dog passed away a month after the surgery and it all changed. He broke up with me a few days later because I didn't make him a part of my dogs passing and he felt left out. I've been in excruciating discomfort since the surgery and unable to sleep much most nights..needless to say I've had some really dark moments and lots of tears. Sometimes I've snapped or have been really angry, and he has not been understanding about why I might feel or do certain things out of anger and grief. He thinks everything is targeted at him. Our one year anniversary is next week and when we spoke about it a few days ago, he said he was feeling very anxious and sick from thinking about how this past year he's lost himself and put all his needs aside from this relationship and that he can't give me the security I want. This is the third time he basically breaks up with me after having breast cancer surgery and losing my baby. I feel so defeated and small. How can someone be so dedicated at first and turn this cruel?

I don't know if i should give him grace and allow him to also be tired from this sadness and from taking care of me. I know cancer can be very hard for the caregivers too but him dumping me because he's so emotional is the last thing I need while I'm recovering and grieving my body, my health and my dog. I feel completely shattered inside.

I'd love to hear from those who had relationship problems during cancer.

Short of having a dialogue with Reddit Support Center, these misplaced cross-posts won’t ever stop.
But in the meantime, maybe instead of telling these unknowing OPs that they made a mistake, perhaps we should make sure to downvote all of them every time.

The negative algorithm data might get some attention, ya know?

Its crazy, I havent thought much about it but come the 17th it'll be 4 months without taking any 7oh. I haven't even used cannabis since April and alcohol consumption dropped dramatically. I even recently stopped caffeine, i didn't plan on quitting caffeine, it just... happened.

After my life ending attempt back in the beginning of June, I was offered a second chance at life. I realized I had to get my life straightened out. The break up back in May was really hard on me even though I was the one the ended the 11 year relationship. But as time went on the redemption arc started happening. I began making so many new friends that I love. Started going out more and connecting with people on a new level. It feels nice. I even developed a new addiction... its called GYM. I love pumping iron and pushing my limits, it feels great.

Life has been so much better lately, getting all my debt taken care of, making new friends, trying new food and just changing and becoming who I am meant to be as a person. Its not over yet, there is still so much to learn. If I can do it? You guys can too. Give yourselves reason and purpose. Its worth it. I promise.

M22

Hello everyone, I hope you’re all having a great night.

I’m looking for some advice on substance abuse,

Since I was 14 I’ve been heavily addicted to cannabis with only maybe a year off in between.

My preference is very strong concentrates, But along with that I have been addicted to vaping for the same time frame.
I have came to the conclusion that I have a drinking problem, One is not enough & neither is 1,000 drinks.

I feel like I’m constantly chasing dopamine from anything, I would love to live my life without worrying about always having substances with me.

Thank you guys

You know I’m writing this because it’s the only place I can ask for advice without feeling judged. I’m a high functional alcoholic. It still affects my lively hood. I have a son. I have a big family. I have friends. I’m noticing I’m losing myself though. It’s getting a lot worse is all. I’m onto atleast 10 shooters to a pint a day. I’ve gone to therapy a little. I’ve never been to rehab because I need to work for my son. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want pity I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me because I’m at where I’m at due to my own circumstances. I just need advice. I want to see where the grass is greener but all I see is the now. Everytime I try to go sober I always revert 10x worse at the end of the day. I just want to be better but I don’t know what to do. I’m (25M) and I don’t want to fall behind. I need help and I need advice

Hello everybody so I’m highly sensitive person with CPTSD and like I’m addicted to weed alcohol and Adderall.

Did anyone else have this situation with no support system and did you overcome your addictions please? They’re destroying my life. I can’t live like this anymore.

I relapsed just now. I haven't in almost a whole month. I know that in all the mental programs that I am in, and have been in for the past several months, teach you that relapse is not the end of the world and a part of recovery, but the guilt and shame and disgust at myself is still there. It just makes me want to do it more. How can I cope with this? Logically, I know it's okay. It'll be okay and I can recover again, but it feels like all of that progress is just gone. That whole month of using skills and not giving into urges, just gone. And how do I tell someone I love? What if they find out in the wrong way? I just feel so fucking guilty and disgusted at myself. For multiple reasons, but this seems the easiest to tackle right now.

I’m in my late 30s and recently had a therapy session that made me look at my dating life in a way I really hadn’t before. I’m interested in hearing some outside perspectives, particularly from people who have had similar patterns.

A few years ago, my marriage ended. My ex-wife was my first real love and I was completely devoted to her. The relationship didn’t end because of cheating or because we stopped loving each other. We ultimately wanted different lives: I wanted children, she didn’t, and she wanted to eventually return to her home country to be closer to ageing and dying family while I wanted to remain in London. She didn't want me to give up the life I worked hard to build and she left.

It was by far the most painful breakup I’ve experienced. She suggested no contact because she thought it would help us move on, and I found it incredibly difficult.

Instead of really dealing with it, I went on dating apps.

Looking back, attention from women became a coping mechanism. There were hookups, dates and eventually another serious relationship. That woman was genuinely very good to me, but over time I realised we weren’t compatible long term either. Again, children were an issue, as were where we wanted to live and some major differences in religious beliefs.

I ended that relationship earlier this year.

Then I repeated the same behaviour, only worse. I went back onto the apps, slept with several women and enjoyed the validation far more than I want to admit. I tried to be honest that I wasn’t offering a relationship, but in hindsight I could see that a couple of women were becoming attached and I continued seeing them anyway. Some were understandably very angry when I eventually ended things.

Then I met someone who completely threw me.

I’ve had relationships before and dated plenty, so I don’t say this lightly, but the connection felt unusually strong. We had very similar humour, could talk for hours, travelled brilliantly together, had great sexual chemistry, enjoyed going out together and seemed to understand each other incredibly quickly. She is exceptionally beautiful and so strangely, whenever I was a kid I would often envision a woman who'd be my future wife. I always pictured a cute, very pretty french girl. Well guess who's a cute, pretty french girl with a smile to die for?

For the first time since my marriage, I thought, I could genuinely build my life with this person.

The problem was that she gradually discovered how messy my dating life had been around the period when we met. I hadn’t cheated on her once we were exclusive, but I had downplayed how many women I had been involved with beforehand.

She felt deceived, hurt, hurt that I slept with several women after sleeping with her.

Her position was basically, “I believe you care about me, but I don’t trust that you’ve dealt with whatever makes you constantly need attention from women. I’m not willing to let myself fall further in love with you and then have you destroy me.”

I initially thought this was unfair because I knew I could be faithful. I had been faithful throughout my marriage.

But I’m starting to understand what she meant.

She ended things, although neither of us has been very good at staying away from the other. Over the last few months she has broken no contact repeatedly. We’ve slept together twice and gone out together a couple of times. Sometimes afterwards she acts completely detached and says it was just fun. Other times she becomes emotional and says she can’t keep doing this.

She repeatedly tells me: “You’re not there yet.”

I once told her that if she stayed with me, I would change.

Her response was essentially: “Then you’d be doing it for me. I need you to do it for yourself.”

At the same time, my life is still ridiculously tangled.

My previous partner wants me back and keeps trying. My ex-wife has admitted that part of her would take me back if I wanted. There are also women I previously had casual relationships with who occasionally reach out and I have trouble saying no to them now that I'm single.

And here is probably the part I’m most uncomfortable admitting:

Part of me likes keeping those doors open.

Even if I don’t particularly want to sleep with them or restart relationships, having “backup options” makes me feel safer. Closing every door and having nobody available scares me more than I realised.

I had a session with a relationship therapist recently and she challenged me pretty hard on this. Firstly, I have been in therapy a lot since my divorce, through betterhelp and Bupa, however this therapist is extremely expensive, £400/hr and I was super skeptical if not for my Director at work recommending her.

She was 100% worth the money, holy shit. She shed light on some many things after just one hour.

Her interpretation was that I’ve learned to get a huge amount of my self-worth from being wanted and needed by women. She asked about my childhood and pointed out that I seem particularly drawn to women who themselves have some emotional vulnerability, and that I’m very good at making people feel understood, cared for and safe.

That sounds flattering on the surface, but her point wasn’t flattering.

She suggested that somewhere along the way I learned that being needed makes me feel secure. So I become intensely supportive and emotionally important to people, they become attached to me, and then their attachment reassures me that I’m valuable.

Meanwhile, I’m terrified of having nobody.

That explanation landed harder than I expected.

It also made me realise that the woman I recently fell for may have recognised the pattern before I did. Her refusal to be my motivation for changing suddenly makes much more sense to me.

So I think my actual problem is bigger than deciding which woman I should be with.

I’m beginning to wonder whether I need to stop dating completely for a while, close the doors with the casual relationships and exes, and learn what it feels like to have nobody waiting in the wings.

That idea genuinely makes me uncomfortable, which is probably significant.

For people who have experienced anything similar:

How do you actually learn to stop needing romantic/sexual validation?

How do you distinguish genuinely loving someone from being addicted to how being wanted by them makes you feel?

And if I genuinely believe this recent woman was someone special, is the healthiest thing I can do right now simply leave her alone, work on myself without expecting her to come back, and accept that I may have already lost her?

I’m not looking for reassurance that I’m secretly a great guy. I can see that some of my behaviour has been selfish and that people have been hurt by it even when hurting them wasn’t my intention.

I’m trying to understand how you actually change this rather than just promising someone that you will.

TL;DR: Marriage ended painfully, I coped by seeking attention and sex, moved into another incompatible relationship, repeated the pattern after that ended, and then met someone I genuinely fell for. She walked away because she doesn’t trust that I’ve dealt with my need for validation from women. Therapy has made me realise I keep exes/casual partners around partly because I’m afraid of having nobody. How do I break that pattern properly rather than just jumping into another relationship?

Hello, I am 35 year old male, I’m new here. I’m here in search of a community because I’m doing this all alone. Earlier this year I lost my job, and found myself lost in life. I’m currently 66 days into my journey along with my other vices(alcohol, weed, POM) as of today. I re-enrolled into school to get a second degree in order to pursue a new career in medicine (it will be a long and difficult timeline). I’m full of fear and doubt because I don’t have friends or a family to support me, and as school start time approaches, the anxiety and stress wants to give me an excuse to relapse, but I know in my heart how disappointed in myself I will be if I do. I’m incredibly hard on myself, so I know the outcome.

The loneliness it the most difficult. My ultimate goal is to be a man I’m proud of so I can stand in front of the woman of my dreams without shame and fear. I’m simultaneously trying to learn how to forgive myself of my past mistakes and given up my “nice guy” tendancies. My only friend has been my AI tracker that helps me track my days, diet, and exercise routine. I’ve been keeping myself busy this summer earning certifications and coming up with a life plan. I know I’m a bit old now for this, and there’s a chance I might not accomplish my goals of being a doctor, husband or a father but i don’t think I have a choice but to try, what’s one more failure in a lifetime of others, any tips you might have is welcome.

This was an interesting question that came to mind while discussing codependency on another post. At what point does it cross over to addiction? Is love addiction just codependency on steroids? Are they even in the same category?

I realize codependency can apply to people in our lives who are not a love interest or partner, so it makes sense that the words aren’t exactly the same. I guess I assumed that, when a partner is involved, that type of codependency is or includes some form of love addiction.

In codependency, the brain responds similarly, if not exactly like, the brain during gambling addiction. It’s a series of neuro-chemical reward systems followed by lows. There’s not a physical dependency on a substance. Yet the brain is acting like there is.

I’ve never understood how anyone could blow all of their money at a casino. That sounds INSANE to me.

But then I see myself—craving the relief of laughter and snuggling and intimacy in between extreme crashes in my partner and then myself from the whiplash. Then I do it all over again.

What are your thoughts?