r/slaa

I was little bit torn of writing here my story, but I think it will help me to get better.
Since I was like 11-12 years old I struggle with porn addiction and orgasm, sex played always a big part in my life. I get pleasure out of somebody needing me and I feel that somebody wants me badly, thats the "Drug" I am chasing.

Over the years the situation got worse and worse, got married, but didnt had a lot of sex inside the marriage but outside of the relationship with everybody who was attracted to me. I am not a "hot guy" but I think a big part of women enjoy my intelligence and they find that sexy 🤷‍♂️

Got divorced, because it got boring, had a couple of other relationships but as a sidegig always chasing some other women (or just simply sex with someone, even meaningless sex with men, even knowing the fact that I am not gay. (sounds funny, but I think the people in here get me)

One of my office flings got me to a wonderful women who I am currently with, she is awsome and everything I could ever wanted! I. tried to rawdogging it, and dont act out. Got a little problem with porn again, and had some. relapses regarding sex but no major stuff.

Always tried to get better and this went well for around a year. Now I got into a new job, a new environment and have a coworker who has a crush on me. We had some sexting, swapped pictures, that kind of stuff.

Now comes the funny part of my story. Not so long ago I went on a business trip with my coworker and we decided befoerhand that this will be the last time that we do anything with each other intimately because she is married. And we did.

In the process she started masturbating and told me that she cannot get an orgasm naturally because she masturbates a lot. And I felt that she dont even enjoy sex and just was focused on her own orgasm. I really realized that this is pathetic.

Am I the same? Can I know start over and change my life and be happy? I never got caught and I dont plan to tell anybody about it. I am just affraid that after this relapse this will put me in a spiral where me girlfriend I love will leave me :/

Hi friends,

One of my closest buddies has been really struggling with his SLAA, and I am worried about him.

He and his wife have been separated for over a year now as a result of his behaviors. He had a good counselor in the past when he lived in a different state, but he has not found a new counselor since moving a few years ago. He has sporadically gone to meetings, but doesn't seem to be able to keep up with this regularly. His job sometimes involves working irregular hours, and he often uses this as an excuse (it appears to me) to avoid going to meetings.

One of his family members has offered to pay for him to go to a treatment program, but he doesn't seem to be able to bring himself to pick up the phone and call the program.

Over the past year or so, I have come to realize how strong the "addict brain" is. I had (perhaps ignorantly) thought that his wife moving out, or her going through a serious mental health event recently would have been a wakeup call for him to take some action on getting his addiciton under control. I realize now that it's just not that simple.

I hang out with him every few weeks, and our time together is enjoyable. He has told me that getting out of the house to be with friends is a positive alternative to "acting out" for him. I check in with him regularly about his SLAA: whether he has plans to go to a meeting this week, how he is doing with it generally, etc. But lately it feels a little weird just hanging out with him, knowing that he is struggling and not doing anything to improve his situation. He is a close friend, and I wonder what else I could be doing to help him. He has family in the area, and lately I have wondered if I should contact them, as well as our other mutual friends, and discuss some kind of formal intervention. That seems like a drastic step, but he just doesn't seem to be able to overcome the addictive drive on his own.

I am sort of at a loss for what to do, so I would really appreciate any ideas or thoughts you'd care to share. Thank you.

I'm having a lot of trouble with the other women in SLAA - three of them now have been so unkind that I've cried. Telling me I don't understand how it works or I'm doing things wrong, but then refusing to explain and telling me I'm 'defensive' when they don't even know me. It has really put me off. Anyone else had this experience? Someone just told me I was defensive because I said that I was doing well at the moment. I don't understand why you would be so unkind and unwelcoming to someone who is looking for help and open to advice.

Even though I will try to keep this post short and leave out a lot of details, this post will still be long. Sorry!

I'm mid-40s, male. Married for 12+ years, multiple kids. Wife and I have had marital ups and downs that revolved mostly around what I felt was mismatched sex drives. We're both in individual therapy and in couples therapy.

I have consumed porn (online) and masturbated since I was a teenager. At times, when I was younger, it was a lot. When married, it was generally to fill the gaps between sex. Of course it would fluctuate up and down depending on life stresses, etc - I would masturbate to numb feelings, emotions, stress, but also to quell my need for sex so that I didn't bring that to my wife.

Recently, our couples therapist called out this behaviour and felt that it was sexually compulsive behaviour and that I possibly had a sex addiction. I took the SDMI and had a low, but clinical score.

In a way, this finding gave me and us hope, because our marriage kept butting heads on the same conflict: me wanting to feel more desired and to have more sex with a partner who I felt was attracted to me, and her rightfully only wanting to have sex when she truly felt open to it. Maybe if I can change the way my brain has been wired from literally decades of this behaviour, then we could close the gap that we have.

So, I stopped consuming porn and masturbating (currently at about 35 days sober) and then, at the suggestion of our therapist, I've also started a period of abstinence (currently at about 15 days). Abstaining from porn and masturbation didn't feel that difficult, because I could still rely on somewhat regular (once a week or so) sex with my wife, but total abstinence has been very challenging.

I have confidence that I can do it (I have a very stubborn, high-achiever type of willpower), but at the same time, I am a wreck, emotionally. The good news is that I have decent habits in terms of regular gym time, social sport and kid activities, and I don't consume any addictive substances (no drinking, smoking, drugs)

. In my individual therapy, we use the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model and, if you're familiar with that, I have all sorts of protector, firefighter parts that have been strong and loud during this period. These parts push my wife away and plan for an exit to the relationship, in an effort to protect me (well, an inner child of me). If you're not familiar with IFS that will probably sound strange, but suffice it to say, I'm not a pleasant person to be around at the moment.

That said, I've also tried to educate myself. I listened to the "Out of the Shadows" audio book and had very mixed feelings about it. Parts of it resonated. For example. the core belief that "Sex is is my most important need" feels on the mark. I'm struggling in the absence of sex, even though I have a loving family and a lot to be grateful for. However, the other 3 core beliefs do not resonate with me. I disagree with all of them. Also, and I'm sure this is more common, but the I cannot identify with the "God" or higher power element of the twelve steps, as an atheist (who was brought up in a religious household).

After "Out of the Shadows", I listened to "The High Achiever's Guide to Sex Addiction Recovery" and i resonated significantly more. For example, that I often seek the feeling of being wanted, desired, attractive and, when I cannot seem to find those feelings in my day-to-day life, I seek to numb that void with masturbation and sexual release. This book wasn't perfect either and I'm somewhat skeptical because the other also sells a pricey retreat/support group option, but still, the messages I found within it sounded more like how I was feeling than what was in Out of the Shadows, especially since the latter talked a lot about level 2 and level 3 actions, which I've never escalated to.

Anyway, our therapist insists that I am in the thick of withdrawal at the moment, which is why I feel so terrible and also have such a negative outlook on whether this will make a difference or not. She says it WILL get better, but that I need to connect with others who are further along in recovery to understand that, and so that I don't push those feelings onto my wife.

So here I am, reaching out. I've set a goal to be completely abstinent for at least 100 days and feel confident that I can get there. I don't want to return to porn at any point, though I'm sure that will be a difficult thing to maintain, especially when sex is allowed to return.

That said, parts are flaring up in me saying that even after recovery, I will still want sex a lot, my wife will still not want to have sex that much, and we will remain incompatible in this way. In this way, they doubt the whole process and are telling me to prepare for an exit from the relationship. That the real solution to this is finding a partner who's sex drive more closely matches my own.

If that resonates with you, I want to hear from you, especially if you're further along in your recovery from your compulsive behaviour. Thank you.

That’s basically it. I struggle with sh the most right now, which is especially hard bc it’s summer. I’ve burnt and done some little stuff since I was young; but I only started yk what recently. I’m still pretty young- teenager. But I genuinely drink like all the time. I’ve not gone a day sober for the past month and before then I’ve drank close to every week since I was 15. This new habit (sh) is causing major issues, and I seeek to do it mostly whilst drunk.
Any advice? I’d rather not stop drinking

I’m new to identifying as a sex and love addict and I’m navigating a new relationship and lot of emotions and realizations about myself and past relationships. If anyone’s open to having a conversation about these things I just want someone who understands and maybe can offer some perspective and advice 💚

26F here and I can remember having sexual fantasies at age 6 or 7. I remember thinking I wanted to be a maid when I grew up bc I would get to wear a sexy maid outfit. I remember as a kid being tied up during some game (actually I think I asked to be tied up) bc I felt turned on by it.

I think maybe I was just born a freak and there isn’t anything I can do about it.

I have had problems for about two years with my now we call eachother “friends” about my meth addiction. sometimes i leave for days, sometimes i disappear for a couple hours, but when I come back they are very hard on me. I meet up with people on gay dating apps like Grindr. Maybe there’s nothing left, but they said to give them four days clean, and there is a chance. anyone have any advice?

Acted out 3 times with porn and masturbation last night after a couple weeks of abstinence. Completely on edge today. Just praying that I make it through the day without acting out again. So tired of this and so scared. I’m working with a sponsor and asked what he wanted to do. He said he’s still willing to work with me. Gonna play pickleball with some friends tonight and hopefully make it to bed sober

Hi Reddit, I’m in AA for the first time and I’m struggling with thoughts all the time.

I’m originally from Pennsylvania and I went to rehab for oxy dxm and alcohol. Upon my detox and rehab I made a decision to move to Florida and do an IOP program because my sister set it up for me and I thought it was the right choice for my safety.

In rehab I made the abrupt decision to move a day after I got out as I thought it was serious.

Mind you I just got out a serious relationship and had nothing left going for me in PA besides a job at a restaurant and going to the gym all the time.
Upon getting to Florida I thought I’d enjoy the new scenery and would be able to do the work to get sober.

After 7 weeks and one lapse I got a job at an electrical company which is quite strenuous labor to start. Digging trenches for 8 hours a day.
I’m trying to understand how I’m supposed to manage working, AA, the gym and maintaining proper nutrition while doing all this.

Along side all this my ex reached back out not knowing I was in Florida saying she missed me and loved me and part of me wants to go back for that and the life that I had

A part of me just wants to go back to PA cause it was a nice quiet little life and I was okay with it.
I feel I’m taking on responsibilities too fast and that I’m not ready for all of this. I’m feeling very overwhelmed causing me to want to relapse. I will not go back to another detox or rehab.

I believe I made a decision too quickly to move and now I’m regretting coming here. I feel if I go back I’ll be letting my sister down as she has invested a lot in getting me here and I’d hate to throw it all away.

I’m not sure what to do, I miss my small little life and not having all this weight on my shoulders. I believe I have some more severe mental illness but she tells me it’s just the alcoholism. I believe I’m truly bipolar and depressed.

I don’t know what to do somebody please help me.

Yesterday I finally decided to stop being blind. I finally looked up these pills he’s been taking, because I’ve noticed it has become a lot more frequent. Then I suddenly realized that I’m leaving with an addict. Do I even know him? What is his true self? Please tell me what’s possibly the 7oh and what’s not. He sleeps all weekend, like all day. He still will work through the week. He stays up so late most nights. Like 2-3 in the morning. He isn’t very involved with our family. Sometimes I’m not even sure if he knows who I actually am. 90% of our quality time is spent in our bed. And 80% he’s asleep. He complains of major constipation. He complains of chest tightness, especially in the morning. I don’t know how to confront him. He also has a suboxone prescription.. we’ve been getting in to fights lately instead of listening to me he just gets fighting mad and storms out and leaves.. like he’s gone now. Stayed at his mom’s last night. I have always been one to be kind of scared of drugs, so this is all very new/ different territory for me. Any insight.,. Any help?

I've been struggling for like 25 years. Started when I was like 16 and have been going on now that I've just turned 38. I stopped for 4 years on my 30th birthday. So I know it's POSSIBLE. For all of us. I know it's hard. It's so fucking hard. But if I can do it for that long. We all can. We can strive for three days, three weeks or three years. It's possible. But I don't usually do this and I'm here to advocate for Afffect. It's an app I discovered a month ago because I didn't want to go to rehab. it's been more amazing to me than I ever thought. I have crazy social anxiety but it has honestly been helping me. I have anxiety about talking to anyone on video, but everyone is so nice and it really is helping. There's counselors/therapists, and they even have their own doctors who can help prescribe you with something that they think you might actually do better from. It's mostly just therapy, which is what we all need. But for us drinkers, I think that's what we need the most. I don't know what insurance they take, but if you tell them yours they will let you know or not, but even if I'm sure they will give you some other very good directions to go. But I think they take most insurance.

I've been suffering for years and years. I really never do this kind of stuff. But these people REALLY do care about you and your mental health and they are there for you. Get on the app and you can seriously just start talking to people for free and they just want to make sure you are in a safe place and okay.

I'm not sure what else to say. But I'm just glad I found them out.

I hope this can help a few of you ❤️. Please just know you matter and you really are important even if you don't think you you are

Hi guys,

I feel like I'm about to relapse. I've called people and I have an agreement to go to a meeting with my former sponsor today.

I dont know if it will keep me sober. I've done the steps and they worked but I must have made a mistake since my alcoholism became active not to long ago.

I don't know what to do. I went down to the fridge to see if anyone of my roommate had beer. If they had some, I would have stolen it.

Hi guys,

I have a question about amends.

I met with someone to make amends and they brought up that I had spoken about them behind their back. I admitted that I was wrong, and they wondered what drove me to do it. What they had done to make me feel like that about them.

I felt I couldnt tell them because we are told in the program to not criticize others and focus on the wrong we have done ourselves. The truth is that the person has abused me.

I didnt want to bring it up to avoid causing harm. I feel like I cant tell them without going against the program, and I feel like there is something I havent done right in this amends process.

What can I do to make amends to this person.

Originaly I tried to make amends for going no contact without an explination and that was wrong of me to do. While in no contact I talked about them to others.

How can I make amends fully without hurting them?

57M
What are some of your bottom line behaviors and how do you stay away and focus on top lines

Just showed up to first meeting - nobody there...so now I'm posting here.

I clearly have a "problem" and was actually excited to seek help today. Showed up to local meeting and nobody else was there. Maybe the group has been dead for awhile - I'm not sure.

Anyway...just looking for some understanding and support. Also any ideas or materials for starts.

Thank y'all!