I finally said no to my qualifier and I feel free
Hi. I've been coming to SLAA meetings for about a month and recently a very triggering situation has put me in frequent social circles with my acting out partner / qualifier / unhealthy former 'partner' (I am still figuring out the word to describe him that feels best to me). A mutual friend of ours - the person who introduced us - died suddenly in an accident and we are both back (him from Toronto, me from NYC) in the small town in rural Canada we used to live in spending time and grieving with our friends.
He has been near me in social situations many times over the past few days and we have interacted several times. One of my bottom lines is no contact with him, and I could have chosen to not go to the events I knew he'd be at, but then I wouldn't see my friends and would be alone grieving. I chose to attend the events knowing that they would be challenging for me to maintain my sobriety.
When I saw him at our friend's farm the other day, my former acting out partner gave me very mixed signals, which is so alluring and dangerous to me. He has a new partner and still he was expressing interest in me - but not completely directly. What a treat for my addiction! We made plans to meet up two days later, now tomorrow, for coffee. I wanted to spend some time alone with him - I knew I was really slipping and in a dangerous situation but I was so tempted to indulge in our connection. I also truly missed my friend, and the three of us had spent a lot of time together, so I wanted to grieve with a person who knew my deceased friend -- and yes, I knew this was dangerous emotional territory.
Anyways. My big moment - which may seem small to those with more recovery but feels huge to me - is that I just texted him canceling coffee tomorrow. I was honest with him for what feels like the first time, and I told him that the way he had been acting with me was not okay with me and that I needed to not see him for coffee. I chose MYSELF. I know that I didn't need to text him an explanation - that in recovery it's OK to be a 'jerk' and not explain - but I felt that it was important for me to say my piece, with honesty and clarity. I expect nothing in return.
I'm just so happy that I finally said no to my qualifier, that I had, and have, the opportunity to see him but I am choosing not to. I am acting in alignment with my internal moral compass and it feels wonderful. I am proud of myself for this small step. No matter what happens next, I am so glad I was finally honest -- with myself, and him! -- about how I feel and why his actions hurt me. Six months ago I would not have been able to walk away from this situation. I am so lucky. Thank you God, thank you SLAA, thank you for this day! One day at a time.