u/Naive_Principle9350

Two weeks ago, I was sitting in a dirty apartment with my bf and his dealers, snorting lines and laughing the night away. I remember checking the clock and seeing it was after 2am, and suddenly, this clarity came over me with one thought emanating through my brain like a mantra: “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.”

That was when I knew I was going to have to turn my life in another direction. I knew what I wanted my life to look like, and that wasn’t it. And as much as I liked doing coke, I knew it was going to take some extreme choices to redirect myself.

My previous posts explain that part. To summarize, I have been working to stay as sober as I thought possible for a week now. A fight with my bf last night crumbled my already fragile mind and what was left of my hope that things would ever be better. So, I self destructed.

This morning, after a good hangover cry, I attended an online AA meeting (cried during the entire thing) and reached out to my old sponsor. She came over to my house with lunch, electrolytes, and Advil. She’s an angel.

My house was a wreck. It looked like depression. But she didn’t care. She just came to listen.

I spilled my entire story from the last month, unloading all of my mistakes and faults, all of my recent trauma from relationship trauma to the introduction of cocaine in my life, and you guessed it—more crying.

Then, she supported me while I dumped every last bit of the alcohol in my house down my kitchen drain—even the beer and shooters that my bf usually drinks when he comes over. I hate beer, but I don’t trust this depression or how I have been dealing with it. It all had to go.

I imagined every single unhealthy thing being purged from my life. We even took the bag outside, even though it was only half full. I didn’t want the empty shells of so many wasted nights clanging around on my kitchen floor.

It wasn’t hard. It was actually relieving although, I know it’ll be hard at times. But I also know how hard it was to lay in bed beneath the heavy weight of post-drug-and-alcohol-induced depression, shame, and hopelessness. That’s hard.

I’m done fighting my own way in my own strength. I alone do not have the strength to do so. The good news is: I’m not alone anymore.

I’ve only been a handful of times. But I realize just how toxic alcohol has been in my life, and I cannot keep doing life this way.

I told myself all of the excuses—I rarely get drunk/smashed. I only have one drink a night, and I rarely finish it. And I know how to cut myself off on the weekends. But the sad truth is I cut myself off because I’m the one who always drove my bf and I to parties and the bars. Once he starts, he does not stop.

And I would keep myself more sober so I could keep from getting into arguments with him since he turns mean when he’s drinking, and because he’s unpredictable (he’ll run away from me, shout at people on the street from the car window, etc).

Taking care of him and being the responsible driver for us both may have been my reason for believing I had control.

I broke up with him yesterday. I’d had enough of lies, and my partner using more lies to trash my character to manipulate the relationships around him, including me. And then I started drinking immediately. I intended to self destruct since he had his posse (and his mother) thinking the worst of me anyway.

He did not come swooping in to save me, or come looking for me like I did for him so many times. He and his mom did call to try to get me to answer questions about why I left town last week (see other post). I’m sure that thrilled him to let his mom hear me in such a drunken, sad, angry state.

He had his mother against me, his friends against me, and to make matters more dire, my two girlfriends I would have leaned on had moved away. I was alone. I had been alone for a long time dealing with helping my addict boyfriend for YEARS. All I had really was his mother to help me with this. And he made sure I didn’t have that anymore.

I am motherless. So that probably hits harder than it does with most people.

So I drank. And drank, and went dancing, and drank there. I do this to myself when we break up. Every time. And I did this to myself after my divorce. I basically cycle through phases of having control and losing control. And that’s not healthy.

All I wanted in this relationship was to get us both healthy. But it effectively made me sicker. And I have to take responsibility for staying somewhere that I knew was hurting me. Just like when you go on a bender, you know it’s hurting you. Or when you go to a bar after a breakup—you know that’s not going to end well.

So there I was, drunk in the city with a dead phone. I couldn’t even call an uber. So yes, I drove home. I was too drunk to troubleshoot that situation. I’m amazed I found my way home without getting lost or pulled over, and I’m thankful I didn’t have an accident. Things could have been so much worse.

I’m hungover. And this is Day 1. It only gets better from here.

What is the difference between love addiction and codependency?

This was an interesting question that came to mind while discussing codependency on another post. At what point does it cross over to addiction? Is love addiction just codependency on steroids? Are they even in the same category?

I realize codependency can apply to people in our lives who are not a love interest or partner, so it makes sense that the words aren’t exactly the same. I guess I assumed that, when a partner is involved, that type of codependency is or includes some form of love addiction.

In codependency, the brain responds similarly, if not exactly like, the brain during gambling addiction. It’s a series of neuro-chemical reward systems followed by lows. There’s not a physical dependency on a substance. Yet the brain is acting like there is.

I’ve never understood how anyone could blow all of their money at a casino. That sounds INSANE to me.

But then I see myself—craving the relief of laughter and snuggling and intimacy in between extreme crashes in my partner and then myself from the whiplash. Then I do it all over again.

What are your thoughts?

This was an interesting question that came to mind while discussing codependency on another post. At what point does it cross over to addiction? Is love addiction just codependency on steroids? Are they even in the same category?

I realize codependency can apply to people in our lives who are not a love interest or partner, so it makes sense that the words aren’t exactly the same. I guess I assumed that, when a partner is involved, that type of codependency is or includes some form of love addiction.

In codependency, the brain responds similarly, if not exactly like, the brain during gambling addiction. It’s a series of neuro-chemical reward systems followed by lows. There’s not a physical dependency on a substance. Yet the brain is acting like there is.

I’ve never understood how anyone could blow all of their money at a casino. That sounds INSANE to me.

But then I see myself—craving the relief of laughter and snuggling and intimacy in between extreme crashes in my partner and then myself from the whiplash. Then I do it all over again.

What are your thoughts?

I (41f) would like to preface by saying that I know what I’m about to say sounds insane on a logical level. And I don’t know how my life got to this place.

4 years ago, I met my bf (34m) who I thought had been in recovery from opiates for a year. That turned out not to be the case, and he ended up using while I was asleep next to him many times at his place. By the time I figured out how bad it was, I’d fallen in love with him. And due to losing my own mother to this disease, I felt compassion toward him and thought I could help him.

I myself had issues drinking on and off, but had scaled it back until we started living together around year 3. However, I won’t at all claim I have complete control, especially when I’m stressed out.

I do well at my job, I have great friends, I own my home—from the outside doing great. But I have been, and still am incredibly depressed.

Fast forward 4.5 years, we’ve been through it all. I won’t get into those details right now. Let’s just say it’s been a tough road to get to where we are now. He hasn’t used opiates recreationally since almost a year ago. He is on Suboxone, Xanax, antidepressants, and Trazadone for sleeping.

He has occasionally slipped and used Kratom during hard times.

I take Gabapentin for PTSD, Xanax for emergencies only, and I’m on an antidepressant as well.

Drinking has been an issue for well over a year in our relationship. We drink every weekend. I mostly keep it to where I can safely drive us home, and because he goes too far with it. But I also have one drink a day during the week. I don’t know why.

We’d been out celebrating for the World Cup for weeks in a row on the weekends. Before that though, we were going out drinking as well. I’d been getting down due to our weekends being spent out all night, then he sleeps the next whole day. I miss going to church, working on my house, and seeing my friends for coffee. But I’ve been too depressed to go.

He says he wants to do those things, but never makes an actual effort. I want a normal home life, and I’d like to be able to go out, but not if it lacks balance.

Then, a month ago, my bf started introducing me to more of his friend group. They drink and do a lot of coke. They’re really nice people, and a lot of fun for the most part, but I found the parties to be boring because I never had been around coke users, and it’s hard to engage in meaningful conversation while they’re using.

This led to me drinking more. Then one night, as we were drinking, I asked my bf what cocaine feels like. He said he’d let me try it (and that he’s never been much of a coke user, so it wasn’t hard for him to be around since it wasn’t his DOC). He said it wasn’t all the hype everyone said it was and that alcohol was much worse.

So I decided to try it. And he did it with me. We used it all night for two nights in a row. I loved how it made me feel. It made me want to dance and talk to his friend group, and go out and kiss girls at the club. This seemed to make my bf really excited.

But then I crashed when I came down. Hard. And I cried for two days due to being disappointed in myself, and because I just felt all happiness was gone from my body. I told him to get rid of whatever he had left and that it wasn’t happening again.

The next weekend came, and he said he still had some. I wanted to feel happy again. So I used it with him. And he bought us some more. This went on for three weekends, plus a weeknight when I had to work the next day.

The final weekend came, and I had been laying in bed crying that Friday. I told him I was REALLY down, and that I needed to get away, and asked him to take me out of town, just me and him. He said we’d plan something. Then said, “I know what will get you out of that bed.”

He said he still had some of our coke left from a couple days earlier. And I said okay. And I used it. We went out and were out using and coming down until the next afternoon. No sleep.

Once we got home, I slept and cried. I kept picturing our relationship and future as just a series of drug and alcohol highs followed by days in bed. That’s not the life I ever wanted for myself. He told me not to worry since I’d only been using for three weeks, and that he was “down to slow down for a while.”

This really felt like he didn’t see anything wrong with what we were doing. I thought my role in his life was to help him get AWAY from drug use. And here I am doing it with him now. He kept saying we did nothing wrong and it wasn’t a big deal.

I crashed mentally by Monday at work. And I left town for a week to get away and think. I called and gave him one day’s notice. This made him extremely upset that I didn’t take him with me, and he began talking about ending his life because I make him feel invisible.

I feel bad about that, but also know I felt I needed to break the cycle of partying together and I was not confident that he understood or cared enough to stop us. And I wasn’t confident I could stop us either.

I did not use drugs on my trip, other than weed to sleep two nights. I had a few drinks, not all on the same day. And I spent time in nature and walking around Flagstaff all while my bf was calling, texting, requesting my location, etc. I sent it to him and would call him back when I was ready to talk. We fought on the phone every day I was gone.

Meanwhile, he went out both nights that weekend with the same crowd we were partying with. He claims he was networking for a job, but had to uber one night and get a ride the next night. He lied about where he ended up one night, and I found out he was at a house party, not just a concert. It’s been a mess.

He keeps telling me that I hurt him by leaving and he almost relapsed while I was gone. And that he knows more about sobriety than I do, and basically, if opiates aren’t involved, there doesn’t seem to be an issue. And that he’s still “down to slow down and try it out.” He also is willing to pay for a couple’s counselor. He also said he might go on his own mental health trip without me.

I feel crazy in the head. I’m sober right now. I’m really down. I’m mad at myself. And I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. Was I wrong to leave on my own? Am I exaggerating how bad this all sounds? Is sobriety only applicable to a person’s DOC? My mind is all mixed up.

Substances aren’t the only moral compromises I’ve made in the last year for him. Why am I doing what I’m doing?

TLDR: I started out helping my bf with his recovery, but am now using coke with him. He says it’s not his DOC, so it’s okay.

I’m so confused about what sobriety is, and I (41f) don’t know what to do.

I would like to preface by saying that I know what I’m about to say sounds insane on a logical level. And I don’t know how my life got to this place.

4 years ago, I met my bf (34m), who I thought had been in recovery from opiates for a year. That turned out not to be the case, and he ended up using while I was asleep next to him many times at his place. By the time I figured out how bad it was, I’d fallen in love with him. And due to losing my own mother to this disease, I felt compassion toward him and thought I could help him.

I myself had issues drinking on and off, but had scaled it back until we started living together around year 3. However, I won’t at all claim I have complete control, especially when I’m stressed out.

I do well at my job, I have great friends, I own my home—from the outside doing great. But I have been, and still am incredibly depressed.

Fast forward 4.5 years, we’ve been through it all. I won’t get into those details right now. Let’s just say it’s been a tough road to get to where we are now. He hasn’t used opiates recreationally since almost a year ago. He is on Suboxone, Xanax, antidepressants, and Trazadone for sleeping.

He has occasionally slipped and used Kratom during hard times.

I take Gabapentin for PTSD, Xanax for emergencies, and I’m on an antidepressant as well.

Drinking has been an issue for well over a year in our relationship. We drink every weekend. I mostly keep it to where I can safely drive us home, and because he goes too far with it. But I also have one drink a day during the week. I don’t know why.

We’d been out celebrating for the World Cup for weeks in a row on the weekends. Before that though, we were going out drinking as well. I’d been getting down due to our weekends being spent out all night, then he sleeps the next whole day. I miss going to church, working on my house, and seeing my friends for coffee. But I’ve been too depressed to go.

He says he wants to do those things, but never makes an actual effort. I want a normal home life, and I’d like to be able to go out, but not if it lacks balance.

Then, a month ago, my bf started introducing me to more of his friend group. They drink and do a lot of coke. They’re really nice people, and a lot of fun for the most part, but I found the parties to be boring because I never had been around coke users, and it’s hard to engage in meaningful conversation while they’re using.

This led to me drinking more. Then one night, as we were drinking, I asked my bf what cocaine feels like. He said he’d let me try it (and that he’s never been much of a coke user, so it wasn’t hard for him to be around since it wasn’t his DOC). He said it wasn’t all the hype everyone said it was and that alcohol was much worse.

So I decided to try it. And he did it with me. We used it all night for two nights in a row. I loved how it made me feel. It made me want to dance and talk to his friend group, and go out and kiss girls at the club. This seemed to make my bf really excited.

But then I crashed when I came down. Hard. And I cried for two days due to being disappointed in myself, and because I just felt all happiness was gone from my body. I told him to get rid of whatever he had left and that it wasn’t happening again.

The next weekend came, and he said he still had some. I wanted to feel happy again. So I used it with him. And he bought us some more. This went on for three weekends, plus a weeknight when I had to work the next day.

The final weekend came, and I had been laying in bed crying that Friday. I told him I was REALLY down, and that I needed to get away, and asked him to take me out of town, just me and him. He said we’d plan something. Then said, “I know what will get you out of that bed.”

He said he still had some of our coke left from a couple days earlier. And I said okay. And I used it. We went out and were out using and coming down until the next afternoon. No sleep.

Once we got home, I slept and cried. I kept picturing our relationship and future as just a series of drug and alcohol highs followed by days in bed. That’s not the life I ever wanted for myself. He told me not to worry since I’d only been using for three weeks, and that he was “down to slow down for a while.”

This really felt like he didn’t see anything wrong with what we were doing. I thought my role in his life was to help him get AWAY from drug use. And here I am doing it with him now. He kept saying we did nothing wrong and it wasn’t a big deal.

I crashed mentally by Monday at work. And I left town for a week to get away and think. I called and gave him one day’s notice. This made him extremely upset that I didn’t take him with me, and he began talking about ending his life because I make him feel invisible.

I feel bad about that, but also know I felt I needed to break the cycle of partying together and I was not confident that he understood or cared enough to stop us. And I wasn’t confident I could stop us either.

I did not use drugs on my trip, other than weed to sleep two nights. I had a few drinks, not all on the same day. And I spent time in nature and walking around Flagstaff all while my bf was calling, texting, requesting my location, etc. I sent it to him and would call him back when I was ready to talk. We fought on the phone every day I was gone.

Meanwhile, he went out both nights that weekend with the same crowd we were partying with. He claims he was networking for a job, but had to uber one night and get a ride the next night. He lied about where he ended up one night, and I found out he was at a house party, not just a concert. It’s been a mess.

He keeps telling me that I hurt him by leaving and he almost relapsed while I was gone. And that he knows more about sobriety than I do, and basically, if opiates aren’t involved, there doesn’t seem to be an issue. And that he’s still “down to slow down and try it out.” He also is willing to pay for a couple’s counselor. He also said he might go on his own mental health trip without me.

I feel crazy in the head. I’m sober right now. I’m really down. I’m mad at myself. And I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. Was I wrong to leave on my own? Am I exaggerating how bad this all sounds? Is sobriety only applicable to a person’s DOC? My mind is all mixed up.

TLDR: I started out helping my bf with his recovery, but am now using coke with him. He says it’s not his DOC, so it’s okay.

I’m so confused about what sobriety is, and I don’t know what to do.

I would like to preface by saying that I (41f) know what I’m about to say sounds insane on a logical level. And I don’t know how my life got to this place.

4 years ago, I met my bf (34m), who I thought had been in recovery from opiates for a year. That turned out not to be the case, and he ended up using while I was asleep next to him many times at his place. By the time I figured out how bad it was, I’d fallen in love with him. And due to losing my own mother to this disease, I felt compassion toward him and thought I could help him.

I myself had issues drinking on and off, but had scaled it back until we started living together around year 3. However, I won’t at all claim I have complete control, especially when I’m stressed out.

I do well at my job, I have great friends, I own my home—from the outside doing great. But I have been, and still am incredibly depressed.

Fast forward 4.5 years, we’ve been through it all. I won’t get into those details right now. Let’s just say it’s been a tough road to get to where we are now. He hasn’t used opiates recreationally since almost a year ago. He is on Suboxone, Xanax, antidepressants, and Trazadone for sleeping.

He has occasionally slipped and used Kratom during hard times.

I take Gabapentin for PTSD, Xanax for emergencies only, and I’m on an antidepressant as well.

Drinking has been an issue for well over a year in our relationship. We drink every weekend. I mostly keep it to where I can safely drive us home, and because he goes too far with it. But I also have one drink a day during the week. I don’t know why.

We’d been out celebrating for the World Cup for weeks in a row on the weekends. Before that though, we were going out drinking as well. I’d been getting down due to our weekends being spent out all night, then he sleeps the next whole day. I miss going to church, working on my house, and seeing my friends for coffee. But I’ve been too depressed to go.

He says he wants to do those things, but never makes an actual effort. I want a normal home life, and I’d like to be able to go out, but not if it lacks balance.

Then, a month ago, my bf started introducing me to more of his friend group. They drink and do a lot of coke. They’re really nice people, and a lot of fun for the most part, but I found the parties to be boring because I never had been around coke users, and it’s hard to engage in meaningful conversation while they’re using.

This led to me drinking more. Then one night, as we were drinking, I asked my bf what cocaine feels like. He said he’d let me try it (and that he’s never been much of a coke user, so it wasn’t hard for him to be around since it wasn’t his DOC). He said it wasn’t all the hype everyone said it was and that alcohol was much worse.

So I decided to try it. And he did it with me. We used it all night for two nights in a row. I loved how it made me feel. It made me want to dance and talk to his friend group, and go out and kiss girls at the club. This seemed to make my bf really excited.

But then I crashed when I came down. Hard. And I cried for two days due to being disappointed in myself, and because I just felt all happiness was gone from my body. I told him to get rid of whatever he had left and that it wasn’t happening again.

The next weekend came, and he said he still had some. I wanted to feel happy again. So I used it with him. And he bought us some more. This went on for three weekends, plus a weeknight when I had to work the next day.

The final weekend came, and I had been laying in bed crying that Friday. I told him I was REALLY down, and that I needed to get away, and asked him to take me out of town, just me and him. He said we’d plan something. Then said, “I know what will get you out of that bed.”

He said he still had some of our coke left from a couple days earlier. And I said okay. And I used it. We went out and were out using and coming down until the next afternoon. No sleep.

Once we got home, I slept and cried. I kept picturing our relationship and future as just a series of drug and alcohol highs followed by days in bed. That’s not the life I ever wanted for myself. He told me not to worry since I’d only been using for three weeks, and that he was “down to slow down for a while.”

This really felt like he didn’t see anything wrong with what we were doing. I thought my role in his life was to help him get AWAY from drug use. And here I am doing it with him now. He kept saying we did nothing wrong and it wasn’t a big deal.

I crashed mentally by Monday at work. And I left town for a week to get away and think. I called and gave him one day’s notice. This made him extremely upset that I didn’t take him with me, and he began talking about ending his life because I make him feel invisible.

I feel bad about that, but also know I felt I needed to break the cycle of partying together and I was not confident that he understood or cared enough to stop us. And I wasn’t confident I could stop us either.

I did not use drugs on my trip, other than weed to sleep two nights. I had a few drinks, not all on the same day. And I spent time in nature and walking around Flagstaff all while my bf was calling, texting, requesting my location, etc. I sent it to him and would call him back when I was ready to talk. We fought on the phone every day I was gone.

Meanwhile, he went out both nights that weekend with the same crowd we were partying with. He claims he was networking for a job, but had to uber one night and get a ride the next night. He lied about where he ended up one night, and I found out he was at a house party, not just a concert. It’s been a mess.

He keeps telling me that I hurt him by leaving and he almost relapsed while I was gone. And that he knows more about sobriety than I do, and basically, if opiates aren’t involved, there doesn’t seem to be an issue. And that he’s still “down to slow down and try it out.” He also is willing to pay for a couple’s counselor. He also said he might go on his own mental health trip without me.

I feel crazy in the head. I’m sober right now. I’m really down. I’m mad at myself. And I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. Was I wrong to leave on my own? Am I exaggerating how bad this all sounds? Is sobriety only applicable to a person’s DOC? My mind is all mixed up.

TLDR: I started out helping my bf with his recovery, but am now using coke with him. He says it’s not his DOC, so it’s okay.

I (41f) would like to preface by saying that I know what I’m about to say sounds insane on a logical level. And I don’t know how my life got to this place.

4 years ago, I met my bf (34m) who I thought had been in recovery from opiates for a year. That turned out not to be the case, and he ended up using while I was asleep next to him many times at his place. By the time I figured out how bad it was, I’d fallen in love with him. And due to losing my own mother to this disease, I felt compassion toward him and thought I could help him.

I myself had issues drinking on and off, but had scaled it back until we started living together around year 3. However, I won’t at all claim I have complete control, especially when I’m stressed out.

I do well at my job, I have great friends, I own my home—from the outside doing great. But I have been, and still am incredibly depressed.

Fast forward 4.5 years, we’ve been through it all. I won’t get into those details right now. Let’s just say it’s been a tough road to get to where we are now. He hasn’t used opiates recreationally since almost a year ago. He is on Suboxone, Xanax, antidepressants, and Trazadone for sleeping.

He has occasionally slipped and used Kratom during hard times.

I take Gabapentin for PTSD, Xanax for emergencies only, and I’m on an antidepressant as well.

Drinking has been an issue for well over a year in our relationship. We drink every weekend. I mostly keep it to where I can safely drive us home, and because he goes too far with it. But I also have one drink a day during the week. I don’t know why.

We’d been out celebrating for the World Cup for weeks in a row on the weekends. Before that though, we were going out drinking as well. I’d been getting down due to our weekends being spent out all night, then he sleeps the next whole day. I miss going to church, working on my house, and seeing my friends for coffee. But I’ve been too depressed to go.

He says he wants to do those things, but never makes an actual effort. I want a normal home life, and I’d like to be able to go out, but not if it lacks balance.

Then, a month ago, my bf started introducing me to more of his friend group. They drink and do a lot of coke. They’re really nice people, and a lot of fun for the most part, but I found the parties to be boring because I never had been around coke users, and it’s hard to engage in meaningful conversation while they’re using.

This led to me drinking more. Then one night, as we were drinking, I asked my bf what cocaine feels like. He said he’d let me try it (and that he’s never been much of a coke user, so it wasn’t hard for him to be around since it wasn’t his DOC). He said it wasn’t all the hype everyone said it was and that alcohol was much worse.

So I decided to try it. And he did it with me. We used it all night for two nights in a row. I loved how it made me feel. It made me want to dance and talk to his friend group, and go out and kiss girls at the club. This seemed to make my bf really excited.

But then I crashed when I came down. Hard. And I cried for two days due to being disappointed in myself, and because I just felt all happiness was gone from my body. I told him to get rid of whatever he had left and that it wasn’t happening again.

The next weekend came, and he said he still had some. I wanted to feel happy again. So I used it with him. And he bought us some more. This went on for three weekends, plus a weeknight when I had to work the next day.

The final weekend came, and I had been laying in bed crying that Friday. I told him I was REALLY down, and that I needed to get away, and asked him to take me out of town, just me and him. He said we’d plan something. Then said, “I know what will get you out of that bed.”

He said he still had some of our coke left from a couple days earlier. And I said okay. And I used it. We went out and were out using and coming down until the next afternoon. No sleep.

Once we got home, I slept and cried. I kept picturing our relationship and future as just a series of drug and alcohol highs followed by days in bed. That’s not the life I ever wanted for myself. He told me not to worry since I’d only been using for three weeks, and that he was “down to slow down for a while.”

This really felt like he didn’t see anything wrong with what we were doing. I thought my role in his life was to help him get AWAY from drug use. And here I am doing it with him now. He kept saying we did nothing wrong and it wasn’t a big deal.

I crashed mentally by Monday at work. And I left town for a week to get away and think. I called and gave him one day’s notice. This made him extremely upset that I didn’t take him with me, and he began talking about ending his life because I make him feel invisible.

I feel bad about that, but also know I felt I needed to break the cycle of partying together and I was not confident that he understood or cared enough to stop us. And I wasn’t confident I could stop us either.

I did not use drugs on my trip, other than weed to sleep two nights. I had a few drinks, not all on the same day. And I spent time in nature and walking around Flagstaff all while my bf was calling, texting, requesting my location, etc. I sent it to him and would call him back when I was ready to talk. We fought on the phone every day I was gone.

Meanwhile, he went out both nights that weekend with the same crowd we were partying with. He claims he was networking for a job, but had to uber one night and get a ride the next night. He lied about where he ended up one night, and I found out he was at a house party, not just a concert. It’s been a mess.

He keeps telling me that I hurt him by leaving and he almost relapsed while I was gone. And that he knows more about sobriety than I do, and basically, if opiates aren’t involved, there doesn’t seem to be an issue. And that he’s still “down to slow down and try it out.” He also is willing to pay for a couple’s counselor. He also said he might go on his own mental health trip without me.

I feel crazy in the head. I’m sober right now. I’m really down. I’m mad at myself. And I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. Was I wrong to leave on my own? Am I exaggerating how bad this all sounds? Is sobriety only applicable to a person’s DOC? My mind is all mixed up.

TLDR: I started out helping my bf with his recovery, but am now using coke with him. He says it’s not his DOC, so it’s okay.