r/recovery

Almost lost my life due to a septic infection a few months ago. Hadn’t touched a needle since.

Had a great day with my kid, some family, close friends.

Ended up finding an old bag of heroin. Didn’t think much of it. Ended up out and doing cocaine. I had a little bit left and decided to grab needles and shoot both of them.

The shame and disgust I feel right now is indescribable. I feel like I may as well just go grab more now. My family knows something’s not right. I’m heartbroken. Diagnosed bipolar recently.

I’ve lost everything and as soon as I get a little bit of positive momentum and clean time - I go and destroy it. Hundreds of attempts at sobriety.

What’s the point? I can’t find love, happiness, fulfillment. Maybe it’s just time to die. My family wouldn’t be in any more pain.

How did I get here… I’ve tried everything. I think it’s hopeless at this point.

Had to get it off my chest. Thanks

EDIT: thanks for the kind responses. I was devastated this morning, ready to get more drugs - but I’m not going to. Picked up the phone and spoke to an old sponsor and my therapist. I’ll be alright. Love you guys

TL;DR: How to deal with past flashbacks?
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As the title says, I would just go about my day and suddenly I'd have flashbacks of negative things from the past. Doesn't matter what I'd be doing it just happens and I hate it. I cringe whenever this happens and I don't know how to deal with this exactly.

Does this happen to any of you? If yes how do you deal with it?

Hello, Ive been struggling with this issue since ive been around 9 or 10ish years old i believe and now i am 24. I need actually good advices or maybe some hope that this will pass because by now it has turned into addiction that i have no idea how to get out of. Are there people who have fully recovered from sh?

After kicking my (rather extreme) opioid/benzo addiction, I declared myself sober and fully drug-free. I felt so averse to hard drugs that I felt comfortable with calling myself a "former addict" after a couple years. Even now, I wouldn't take an oxy or bar even if it was offered to me for free.

Yet I still smoke cigarettes. And recently I've started drinking more than I should be.

For the longest time, I never felt like drinking more than once a week. But now, I feel like i have nothing to lean on as my OCD and depression get worse. I feel like I have to have a drink in order to enjoy my evenings.

I'm scared im going to become an alcoholic. Today was the first time in my life that I felt angry that i couldn't have a drink. I should stop but im starting to crave it so badly.

Im scared i will always be this way. I'll always find a vice, an unhealthy coping mechanism, something to get addicted to. It used to be porn when i was going through puberty, then it was cigarettes and drugs, and now it's shaping up to be alcohol.

I have no self-control. I never did. It reflects in every aspect of my life.

What's wrong with me? How can I fix myself? I don't know where to start man.

Does anyone have a subreddit suggestion or zoom meeting group or ANYTHING helpful that is specifically tailored towards couples that are trying to survive early recovery that are specific to both parties being addicts? We were both clean when we got together (he had 4 years and I had 9) and both relapsed….separately. Now we’re several months later and really struggling to get it together again. And neither of us have any support outside of each other basically 🙃
We’re really just looking for anything at this point because we’re both needing separate advice and maybe someone to vent to that’s been through this and understands the complexity of it.

TL;DR: Meeting happens very close to a place where weed is sold, so I don't wanna risk going.

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In our town, 2-3 different groups have meetings on different days.

Tuesday and Saturday's meeting happens at St. Josephs, and yeah very close to there you can buy weed.

I generally don't have money, but that weed is so incredibly cheap that I can afford it.

I was told by a chair that I must come to every meeting in early recovery since there is a high chance of relapse...

But I don't think risking it is a good idea, I'll just go another day to another place.

But I used to use it every Saturday evening, so I'm having a really hard time right now, I don't know what to do, maybe I'll order monster ultra as some sort of substitute?

I don't know, I don't like the idea of substituting, because that has caused me to stay stuck with the substitution, sometimes along with the substitutee :/

Whatever, caffeine is I suppose more acceptable than cigarettes or weed...

God!

Hello friends, specifically those who have also attended rehab.

Question : what is something that your rehab did that you really liked/helped with your recovery and/or something you felt was lacking could have been improved on?

I’m asking as someone who now works for a branch of treatment centers after personally going through benzo treatment where most of the staff does not have personal substance use experience. I’ve made it a priority to focus on improving experiences and would love to hear from other people who have been through treatment since no program is the same. Really really grateful for any input whatsoever, appreciate it ❤️🫶🏼

I have a question I am in outpatient and they have help me a lot but I saw the test that we have to buy and use are almost a year expired I have spoken about it and they say it is fine am I just being a dick for feeling that it is not right

I've been seeing this girl for a while, I just made it official last night. I got off work today to hang with her and her friends and when we get to her friend's house they are all completely wasted and ripping lines of coke (4pm on a Wednesday btw) I also learn in that time that she had been drinking too which added up because she seemed off and honestly was irritating me. Now for more context I'm 3 years completely sober and have fought and worked VERY hard to get myself far away from what i experienced today and for more context she's 3 years sober off of coke but still drinks and smokes occasionally

I really care for her and honestly am hurting to imagine losing her and more importantly this new feeling of love that for the first time actually feels safe. But I simply can't get over this feeling in my stomach that is telling me to get the fuck away. I so desperately try to move forward in life and I have and now all I see in her is a step backwards. I don't like that she's okay keeping that company (I'm not judging because I once was the exact same way and I get it) BUT I feel disrespected that she thought it was okay to bring me around after the amount of pain l've endured to get away from it all. Not only that but the safety I felt with her feels crushed as she laughed away with her friends while I crawled in my skin asking me "are you having fun?" In a joking sort of way as I clearly wasn't and don't think my playing it cool was convincing.

Anyways I made up a fake story and left the situation, she came with me, I explained myself very respectfully, and really all she could say was sorry and that she understands and I could tell she meant it but I ended up dropping her off at home saying I need to think I’m some things. I guess now I worry that our values don't align and there's no real future for us on top of my feelings of anger.

I wanted to put this out there because I think outside opinions could help I'm way too emotionally charged at the moment.

One of my dear friends has recently decided to get sober from amphetamines and also wean themselves off 7OH. I am very proud of them, but the withdrawals are brutal to watch. Thankfully they've been sleeping a ton, but any moments not sleeping, the symptoms are intense. What can I do to support them? What foods are easiest to keep down, and are there any supplements that ease symptoms?

No wonder literally no one can stand me. I can’t even stand myself. It’s been maybe about a month or two roughly i think and I’ve just caused so much shit and made myself look like a complete joke even more so than usual. I don’t know how to come back from this it’s gonna be pretty hard to change anyone’s mind about me at this point, I’m actual trash. Wtf was I thinking?? I just fuck with peoples feelings and lead them on supposedly but I don’t even realise I’m doing it. Someone recently said I talk too much (about shit I shouldn’t constantly), I’m inconsiderate and don’t show much emotion or affection and “lots more”. I know I need to stop I cannot continue to do this anymore. Is there anything I can do specifically to even at least begin to fix this? I actually never want to leave my house ever again right now, I honestly feel like everyone would prefer it if I wasn’t here anymore but I don’t want to die. I just wish I could take it all back I hate myself so much right now. No one deserved any of that. I just need to keep to myself and stay away from everyone that’s the only way none of this will ever happen. You will all probably see this and laugh at me but if anyone could just give some sort of encouragement right now I’d appreciate it a lot. Not that I deserve any help.

I’ve been clean for 6 months after primary and secondary care. I’m currently living in a sober living house.

I hate meetings. I find them repetitive and rigid but it’s also a critical component for most recovering addicts. Sometimes I attend a SMART meeting but I find myself so opposed to 12 step meetings.

What are some of the tools you have in your toolbox outside of meetings?

This Sunday I will have 15 years of sobriety and 37 years of AA participation. Hear are 15 things I've learned about recovery during this period, one for each year of sobriety. Not everyone is going to agree with what I state here but that's okay. I believe our recovery journeys are personal and we each need to find our own path.

1.      I was involved with AA for 22 years before I finally sobered up.  The difference came when I realized and accepted that alcohol was destroying me, and that something had to change.  Not drinking was the first part of that change.

 2.      Is alcoholism a disease, an allergy, something trying to kill me, or something else entirely?  For me, it doesn’t really matter.  All I know is that having alcohol in my system prevents me from being the best person I can be.  That is enough.

 3.      Recovery begins with honesty.  Most of us become experts at rationalizing, minimizing, and explaining away our behavior.  Real change started for me when I became willing to look honestly at who I was, where I was, and where my choices were taking me.

 4.      My past defines who I am today, but it does not determine who I become tomorrow.  I am the product of my experiences, choices, successes, failures, and the lessons I have learned from them.  Recovery did not change my past.  It changed how I understand it and how I use it to shape my future.

 5.      I think of recovery as two things: abstinence and change.  Abstinence is simply not drinking.  Change is more complicated.  It starts with understanding who I am today and having a vision of who I want to become.  Once I understand both, I can identify the gap between them, take a step forward, assess, adjust, and repeat.  As I learn and grow, my vision evolves as well.

 6.      I believe belief is what keeps us sober.  What we believe matters, but how we believe matters even more.  Whatever we believe in, we need to believe in it with enough conviction to drive the change we need to make.

 7.      A higher power is not necessary to find and maintain sobriety.  The power to change is in each one of us.  We need to find it, strengthen it, and protect it.  At times, we may need support or direction, but the responsibility for change remains ours.

 8.      I think of spirituality as connection.  For some, that connection is to God.  For me, it is the connection between my innermost self, the people who matter to me, and the world around me.

 9.      Strength has to be maintained through connection.  For me, that connection comes from family and close friends.  I can go a long time without an AA meeting, but I cannot stay away from the people closest to me.

 10.  Addiction thrives in isolation.  Recovery grows through connection.  Isolation lets old thinking take over.  Connection pulls me back to honesty, perspective, and the life I am trying to build.

 11.  Because belief matters so much, AA works well for some people, but not for everyone.  It works for those whose beliefs already align with it, or for those willing to change their beliefs to make it fit.  For everyone else, it may fall short of what they need.

 12.  Relapse is part of addiction, not recovery.  People often say relapse is part of recovery.  I disagree.  Relapse is part of addiction.  Recovery begins when we commit to living differently.  Recovery is what happens after that commitment is made.

 13.  Recovery is not about perfection.  It is about alignment.  I define integrity as alignment between what I believe, what I think, what I say, and what I do.  Recovery is the ongoing process of bringing those things closer together.

 14.  Recovery is not about finding answers.  It is about continually questioning them.  Any belief worth holding should be strong enough to survive examination.  Growth comes from challenging our assumptions, not protecting them.

 15.  The goal is not to stop drinking.  The goal is to build a life worth living.  Not drinking is necessary, but it is only the beginning.  Recovery gave me the opportunity to become a better husband, father, grandfather, friend, and human being.  Sobriety opened the door; learning how to live is what came after.

 

Hello,

I'm looking for a detox or rehab facility that has a xylazine (tranq) withdrawal protocol. If anyone has any recommendations or can point me in the right direction, I would really appreciate it. Trying to navigate all of this has been confusing and exhausting. If the place accepts NJ Medicaid, that would also help a ton. Thank you so much.

Edit: my original post didn't link, but you can find it on my profile. I live in New Jersey.

Going to my first AA meeting offline, small concerns though.

TL;DR:

Whatever the case, I am willing to play along if it gets me sober.

Concerns:

1. Victim Blaming
2. God involvement
3. Powerlessness

Q. Is there any kind of recovery focused meetings I can join which happen online anywhere except zoom, and in my time-zone which is IST. (+5:30) Talking online ofc.

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I made a post earlier today asking if I can join AA meetings as NA meetings dont happen offline in my town, AA does though.

From what I understood it is acceptable, so I gave them a call, got their number from AA website. He said its okay I can join. So today will be my first AA meeting, and it will happen offline.

I felt quite good about that. Started looking into AA, got to an unofficial subreddit of them. There I came across some things which concerned me.

I came across a post of a frequent relapser, he was asking for advice. And in the comments people told him things the following of which concerned me:

1. He was told that he didn't follow the steps correctly, thats why he keeps relapsing. I am not sure if thats actually the case.

2. The full surrender thing feels kinda uncomfortable. Why am I powerless against it, I managed to quit every other substance other than this on my own.

3. The god and prayer part, I am not much of a believer, I am willing to just do the motions though if it gets me sober.