r/recovery

I had a fucking awful day. I won't elaborate much, but after a flashback I did anything I could to make the feeling go away - including getting high and going to a bar.

Something about today made me realise I need to make a change. I'm barely in my 20s and I'm destroying my already sick body.

I was so anxious. I was shaking through the whole meeting, but I introduced myself and shared anyway.

I may not agree with much of the culture and ideals of NA, but I needed the space to admit that things are out of control. I couldn't have asked for a kinder, more encouraging welcome. Being among people who understand the struggle and are working through it themselves felt like a good step towards healing.

I guess I just wanted to share with you all.

I'm super fucking proud of myself.

The first step of many in the right direction.

So I have been on and off drugs most my life. Mostly heroin but I've done just about everything. I was clean for about 15 years but moved back to Glasgow & ended up back on it. I was almost 50 by this time & thought I just can't do it and went on Methadone for the first time in my life. That was 7 years ago and I feel like it's the worst mistake I ever made.

I ended up on 90 ml. Got it to 60 and stopped. Had a major relapse about a month ago and thought I can't do this. Cut down to 30 this Sat, Sunday, Mon and Tuesday had ​nothing. Today I had my first weekly injection (Bhuvidal is basically a Subutex injection that lasts 1 or 4 weeks), do 2 more of them & then go to monthly. Goal is to be clean by Xmas. However I am right now still feeling all over the place. The Bhuvidal is definitely doing something but it's possibly still maybe having traces of Methadone in me that's making it harder than I thought. I read it can take 3-6 weeks to fully come out your system.

Anyone had any similar experiences or any advice. Looking to be off everything for Xmas and this really seems like the best option for me. If I never have to go through withdrawals again for what's left of my life I'll be happy as hell.

If you’re in rehab, going to NA, or just trying to stay clean right now… this is for you.

Recovery is NOT a straight line.

Some days you win.
Some days you struggle.
Some days you just survive.

But every single day you don’t give up — you’re still in the fight.

Rehab gives you structure.
NA gives you support.
But real recovery happens in the moments nobody sees — when you choose not to go back.

Relapse doesn’t mean you failed.
It means you’re still human in a hard battle.

If nobody told you today:

You’re not too far gone.
You’re not alone.
And you’re not the only one trying to rebuild from this.

There are people out here still fighting too.

One day at a time is not just a saying — it’s how people actually make it through.

Stay in the fight.

I've been trying to find a rehab that allows phones and laptops. I've been to rehab a few times, most of them never work because I get so unbelievably bored and numb that I just leave early and go back to my drug of choice, which completely ruins the point of being there. They say "we want you to focus on your recovery" but what does that even mean? I'm supposed to focus on how bored I am and the cravings I have 24/7 because there's nothing to do? If I could literally just watch some YouTube or bring my laptop to play some games and talk to my friends it would be a breeze. Yeah I'll have cravings, but that's why I'm in rehab and can walk to the counter and tell them and they give me meds to help. I don't see any real benefit of restricting electronics when you're detoxing and trying to kick an addiction. If you know any place in Colorado that takes Medicaid and allows phones/laptops please let me know. The only places I've found don't take Medicaid and cost like 20k. Funny enough though they have the highest success rate out of any rehab in the entire state but they don't take Medicaid. The last rehab I went to there was no tv, no phones, no laptops. You could do puzzles, drink coffee, play board games, and smoke cigarettes. Not really conducive to someone trying to keep their mind off of an addiction. Not to mention they legally couldn't keep you there, so if it gets so bad you can't stand it you can just leave and go do your drugs. I don't have any legal issues or anything so this is all just me wanting to get better. But it's hard to have the willpower to stay at such a boring and non-productive place when I know I can just go home and drink, but I know if I had my phone and laptop and could keep in touch with friends, play games, watch YouTube, it would be way more productive to stay in a place where I know I can't get drugs until I can kick the habit of using them.

So it’s been since Dec 26th 2025 that I’ve done dope. I gotta say I’ve definitely started changing things around but I still have a lot of work to do. I been working full time again for 5 months, I got health insurance again, I got a place to live, I’m finally paying my credit debt back down, and I even started my own small biz in craft jerky. But I’m still not perfect. I’m trying so hard to let go of Kratom and weed as I used that a lot during the recovery process to avoid relapse. I wanna put it all down again like I did on probation just on my own terms this time and you’d think it’d be so easy at this point but it’s not. I have so many urges trying to get off everything. And I noticed I’m super sluggish at work. Days feel like they drag on without it. I’ve tried subs to get off the Kratom too but then as soon as I stop the subs I feel that same unmotivated bs. My job is pretty physical and the Kratom helped give me that energy I needed to last throughout the day still without the unproductive mess that dope provided. But I want freedom from it all and to really lock in. And total abstinence has seemed to be the only way I do it. Any suggestions?

I swear opioids completely destroyed my idea of what normal energy feels like. Back then I could work a full shift, stay up half the night, drive across town for dumb shit, barely eat and somehow still wake up ready to do it again. Now I’m clean and if I sleep wrong my whole day is cooked. It’s weird because mentally I’m in a way better place but physically I still feel like my body never fully rebooted. Some stuff helps a little like caffeine, better sleep, random supplements, natural 7oh occasionally and that’s helped the most so far but it’s still this constant balancing act of trying to feel like an actual functional adult without leaning too hard on anything.

I want to know if anyone else feels like recovery turned into chasing energy instead of chasing a high.

Im 17, I recently started smoking weed a few months and having tried meth once more than a month ago. I didn't really have the urges to keep using, my body and mind hasn't been really looking for drugs since I started using, but today I feel the urge to use meth again.... I just got back to my usual self after a few months of processing a failed relationship and I feel good now, confident. Yet ironically now that iv'e been able to enjoy having my life again it feels insufficient and wanting to feel better my mind wants me to get high on meth. During my depressive phase I didn't feel any urges to use drugs I was so focused on processing emotions and issues, it felt like integrating it was more important than anything else. But now im healed the urge to use meth is hitting me, I just feel overwhelmed.

Hi friends, I wrote this book to help people like me (and maybe you) cope, so if you relate with the topics, you can read an in depth book review here and you can get the book here:

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I'm recovering from prescription pills, xanax, valium, and etc. i used to mixed it with alcohol.

it's been awhile relapsed couple of times, but continued, im really down, because i feel quite down like depressed and anxious everyday duty started to feel so heavy on me.

im not clean for more than month. Really thought it would felt better.

Y’all, reassure me this will be ok?! I’m scared. I’m addicted to barbiturates and opioids. I was supposed to have a worker show up yesterday to take me, but he never showed or called. So I’m just kinda in limbo. Idk how long I’d be there, what to expect, what they will do. I don’t like the thought of being away from my family for 30+ days. Reassure me? It’s going to be ok, right?

Edit: I finally got ahold of the admissions person with the place I thought I was supposed to be going to. Here’s the update I posted further down:

It’s more just that whoever the drs office talked to said they had a bed and they’d be here yesterday. Today, no one knows who they talked to so there’s no following up. 2 weeks sounds lucky I guess, if you ignore the fact that I overdosed at least 2 times this past weekend and once during the week prior. I’m not really sure I’ll make it two weeks and that’s scary. But it is what it is.

Life was meant to get better right?

Life was meant to be easier?

But it isn’t, raw dogging reality fucking sucks balls

I want to just crawl back into a bottle and go numb again. Fuck the consequences the doc warned me about over my liver.

To me those warnings are just an invitation that’s becoming more and more tempting

I’m f20 and I’ve utterly fucked myself over. I don’t know exactly where to start, but let’s just start to when I was 17.

I was in college doing performing arts. I wasn’t an amazing actor but it was something I enjoyed and found thrill in. I liked going on stage even if I was ensemble. That was probably the last thing I ever did that I enjoyed.

At 17 I had a great group of friends, I was social, I was outside every day but… I was an alcoholic. I wasn’t just a silly teenager that enjoyed underage drinking. I depended on it.
My friends and I would be in class drunk, we’d drink even more after lessons and I’d go home wasted at 8pm and pass out. This went on for my entire 3 years in college. And it only got worse in that time.

I already struggled with mild anxiety and my addiction made it severe. I was paranoid everyday. About everything. About my mother catching me drunk, about the school finding out, about what I say to people while wasted. And everything In between.

When I finished college, I knew I didn’t want to keep doing performing arts because my anxiety “couldn’t handle it anymore”. So when I began my first year in university, I chose to do media since it was in a similar bracket.

I didn’t accommodate because I knew I wouldn’t handle the change well. I got an hour long bus ride there and back. I hated it, I hated uni. Not only was my anxiety so suffocating, I didn’t like my class, I didn’t know anything about the subject I was doing, I felt patronised everyday. Not only that but I’d reward myself with vodka at the end of the day for getting through it, and I’d go in the next day.

That December (2024) I decided to go sober. I was completely aware that i was addicted and dependent on it. I knew it was ruining my life, and I guess somehow I had the strength to do something about it. And I got sober. Well, I stopped binge drinking.

2025 I probably only drank a handful of times, special occasions, with friends, when I was on holiday.
Great! One problem sorted. Well done me. I continued going to uni, forced myself to talk to people when we did projects, my attendance was awful but I passed my first year. Great.

The thing about quitting alcohol is that it didn’t make my anxiety disappear. I still struggled with it daily. Summer 2025 was a decent summer but I was an anxious mess about everything. But still I enjoyed it as much as I could. Went to concerts with my twin. We also went to Italy. I didn’t spend much time with my college friends because they were still heavy drinkers and I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist the urge. I let them know and they understood.

After summer 2025 I really became hopeful. I was sober, I was starting second year uni. Quitting alcohol made me prettier. I was optimistic, maybe I’d even get a boyfriend.

The first week of second year all my excitement went into the bin. My anxiety was so bad, I was shaking sat in class, I was panicking, I hated it all.
So I made the decision to start antidepressants. It was my last resort, I’d tried healing my anxiety organically and nothing worked. I’m put on sertraline.

Great! Once I adjust to it life will be better. I began sertraline October 2025. By the end of first semester I was fine. Until December, I talked to my GP about raising my dose because my anxiety was still so bad.

By January I was on 100mg. And adjusting to it was very hard. So I asked for a fit note for 3 weeks so I could adjust at home. Without the stress of uni. I relaxed a little, but after those three weeks, I’d gotten severely depressed and anxious. I knew I wasn’t going back to uni any time soon. I couldn’t even leave my bed.

My mum was concerned at first, but she just didn’t care much. As long as I was still getting my SFE and she gets abit of my money ,she didn’t really question it.
It’s now may and I still haven’t gone back, the uni still emails me sometimes for support and I respond telling them if there’s any support I can have for the amount of time I’ve missed.

But quite frankly, I don’t care. I don’t care to redeem myself academically. But I also don’t care about anything else. I avoid everything else like I avoid uni. I avoided replying to my friends and now I don’t have any. I avoid leaving my bed. I avoid cooking meals, I avoid talking to my mother, I avoid EVERYTHING.
And I feel like people underestimate me when I say that. I lay in bed all day scrolling and reading, napping 5 hours and eating whatever shit is in my room. And the worst part is, I’m painfully aware of what I’m doing.

I know I have avoidant attachment, I know it came from my mother’s neglect as a child. I know I’m only living the life I’m living because it feels familiar and safe. And that’s all that matters. I know I have to push myself out there. Leave the house. Do it scared. Just do something. But I don’t want to, I don’t want to put any effort into anything. It doesn’t feel safe. So I simply won’t do it.

I would be lying if I said sertraline didn’t help, it’s definitely made a difference, and I know I need to meet it halfway because it’s not a miracle worker. But I DON’T WANT TO. I fantasise of a life I know I could have irl if I just pushed myself.
But why should I do that when I can have in my head. Why try to have friends when I can close my eyes and have them in my head? I know, I KNOW it’s pathetic and I know it’s fucked up. But I’ve severely isolated myself and I just know I’m not strong enough to get myself out of it. I’m too deep in. IM A LIVING CORPSE I could literally overdose on my sleeping pills and no one would figure it out for another 48 hours. I’m not going to make it to 30.

To think someone may have read all of this even makes me feel weird, like I’ve inconvenienced you with my life. That’s how insignificant I feel.

I have too many mental issues that hits like a train when i'm not using. My thoughts harassing me I can't cope I feel SICKER sober than fucked up. I know addiction is my symptom of something deeper but i don't know where to begin even i'm 31 so not a kid anymore, I do feel like one to be honest... Sorry if this doesn't fit here at least I got to type my emotions out.

I've made several posts about getting to rehab. That is happening, but I'm not there yet. I had an intake at a great place yesterday, and the counselor said they'd call within 3 business days...they also gave me a card and told me to call them beforehand too.

I need to get admitted asap. My use has returned and progressed to a point I never imagined I'd come back to. I'm either drinking, high, strung out,—or sober, but so depressed and sleep deprived that I'm basically just as dysfunctional anyway. I'm doing everything I can to get to rehab, but the longer it takes the more I deteriorate. The more I deteriorate, the more everything feels unmanageable, and that stress only makes me want to use even more.

I was not like this two months ago. I was actually capable of handling life's hard shit. But ever since I started relapsing, it's gotten easier and easier to continue. Now, I'm using the excuse that because I'm going to rehab, I have free rein to do fuck all until then. I know it's irrational. I know I'm harming myself. I know I'm suffering so much more by not being sober.

But I can't stop. My days are spent existing, not living. There isn't even a hesitation before I head out to buy more alcohol. Even though I'm nearly broke, I seriously consider getting a bag instead of food. I stopped going to meetings. I don't make plans with friends. I've totally abandoned my yoga practice. I haven't been to the gym in weeks.

The only thing I've been capable of doing is trying to get to rehab. I've been reaching out to my friends, and those connections are all currently centered around support for getting me into treatment. I feel like I'm annoying. I don't like being so heavily dependent. I'm exhausted, and I dissatisfied with how I'm showing up right now.

The worst part is how numb I feel. This is one of the most miserable experiences of my life, and my substance abuse has me feeling totally disconnected from any feeling that matters. My friends all know where I'm at. They're offering support, but I don't want to rant at them about how utterly powerless I feel right now. I feel like a husk of who I am, and I would be way more distressed by that if I was capable of actually connecting with my feelings.

I have got to get to rehab. I'm getting worse by the week.

I am still in the process of getting in to rehab. I started communicating with HR weeks ago, and finally finished submitted my request for medical paid leave with the state. With a name change and numerous changes in my address and employment records, it was a whole ordeal. I had to get that submitted before starting treatment because the deadline expires while I'll be in there. And now I'm nervous if I go in before it's fully approved, I might not be available to respond to any issues that require me to take action. 

But I really need to get into treatment. I’ve been floundering. I had a beautiful year being clean & sober, but I’ve been relapsing horribly. It's gotten so bad so quickly. I'm seeing myself deteriorate rapidly, falling back into the most self-destructive behaviors I thought I left behind. 

I can see myself spiraling, and it's partly because I don't have a therapist anymore. When I started relapsing, my therapist dropped me as a client without warning. I’d been seeing them twice weekly—until one day I came in for a session and they told me I needed a “higher level of care” so therefore they could no longer see me. In leaving, they emailed me a random list of names for counselors and clinics—absolutely none of which take my insurance. They just googled “substance abuse counselors” and sent me their names, without context or even a url. I had to google them myself. I understand if substance abuse is not in their skillset, and it’s fair if they don’t feel qualified to provide the proper level of care, but I have really struggled with the way they went about it. Completely without warning. Immediate and sudden. Devoid of any actual help to even access the level of care they were telling me I needed. I felt abandoned, unsupported, totally overwhelmed. My actions are not their fault, but that’s when I really spiraling.

Everything feels so overwhelming now, and I feel totally out of control.

I’m trying to make it stop. I’ve been feeling so bad about myself, so disappointed with where I’m at right now. I reached for help from the rest of my support system, and felt like I was admitting I wasn’t who they thought I was. I felt like I was somehow betraying them, by telling them what was happening…But I’ve been met with nothing but endless love and compassion. I’ve been struggling to get myself to rehab, and they’re offering so much support in getting me to treatment. Emotional support, logistical support, mental support. Everyone all of a sudden has time for me, filled with care and heartfelt concern. It feels so healing, it made me break down in tears. I’ve never felt loved like this before.

And I feel like I’m failing that love by not being in treatment yet. I’ve made progress though. I got the paid leave submitted. I made dozens of phone calls untilI found two residential treatment centers which take my insurance—one offered me a bed for detox and the other offered me an in-person screening for their residential program tomorrow morning. Today I reserved and paid for a storage unit, so I do have a place to put my stuff while I’m in treatment, because I’m not returning to my apartment, so I just need to wait until my friends with cars can help me transport it.

But I’m really, really struggling. My intermittent relapse has turned into a constant lack of sobriety and it’s killing me. I feel broken and untrustworthy. I can’t take care of simple tasks. I can barely leave the house. I can’t think or even feel, and I’m really, really scared.