Relapsed
Been clean off meth and all other substances for four years. Two days I contacted an old dealer(it’s really impossible to eliminate their presence completely)
Had him blocked and everything but completely back slid four years of progress.
I’ve gotten a good job in the four years I’ve been clean. Got married and had two kids. I kept my kids completely separate from my stupid decisions for anyone wondering.
The last six months were particularly rough, my wife had a mental breakdown and was hospitalized and moved away for four and half months and left me alone out of the blue. We have very little support system and I had to pick up the pieces of everything.
We were considering divorce, our kids are little and high energy. It was a lot while working full time.
I’ve basically been trying to hold everything together and be perfect since my kids were born.
I’ve been in therapy for a year and a half and by the end I was feeling completely unheard. She was basically leaning into getting a divorce with my wife. I love my wife and we have reconciled and moved back in together.
I was open with the therapist about temptation that would come up when things got overly stressful and that I had tried SSRI’s and didn’t like how they made me feel, I also tried Wellbutrin.
I thought maybe I have adhd and Adderall might help me by being able to follow the doctors orders and plans.
I had a couple slip ups when my wife and I first got together but was always able to stop after one time.
I’m trying to give myself grace because in the past I’ve been extremely hard on myself basically feeling like a very shitty human all the time.
I know this was not okay at all so I’m still feeling a lot of that shitiness.
I was doing excellent for four years but temptation was always there. I know it’s not the life I want, It was just like for a minute I went back to my old addict self and said screw it and that’s a bit scary.
Judgments, comments and advice welcome. ✌️