r/REDDITORSINRECOVERY

17 years clean. I have taken prescribed medicine as directed (and had support systems in place to make sure I don’t relapse). I had to start going to a new meeting place because of my work schedule, and this past week I had surgery. Part of the recovery includes pain meds. The person that runs our group told me that I could no longer say I was “17 years clean” and had to start over because I was using the pain meds as prescribed - they’re a complete abstinence group (I didn’t really notice this because it never came up before).

Just curious to everyone else’s thoughts. I’m considering finding a new meeting over this.

I had a blow out on coke last night after 6 months clean and feel down in the dumps. On the inevitable stim comedown I’m running through my years of bullshit and beating myself up badly. Tell me you can come back from these stumbles? 😭 I try so hard but it keeps pulling me back

Tomorrow is my first time hitting a rave completely sober.

I'm not going to lie—My brain is completely hardwired to connect heavy techno with substances.

I want to enjoy the music clean, but I know the mental link is strong and the cravings will likely hit when the bass drops.

Has anyone successfully uncoupled the music from the chemicals?

How do you stay grounded and go hard on the dancefloor without the crutch?

Honestly, I did this to myself. I took over a meeting in my area and all the other members disappeared. It's been 2 years. I thought I had some people coming back but everyone disappeared again and I'm left keeping things afloat.

I'm so exhausted and shared how I feel about it but most of the responses I get are encouraging. It's confusing because I think I am acting on a defect by being so scared to walk away but I don't know if I'm being selfish by wanting to leave.

My gf comes with me to help open and we have people stop by once a week but no one else is committed to the group. I love hearing that I'm doing a good job and being of service for the newcomer, but I'm really sad that the community seems to forget I'm here.

I had one man say I need to go to other meetings and share about it. I agree that is a solution but I'm so tired that really makes me want to cry.

Fuck what do I do? I'm trying to let go of expectations and stay willing but so far I'm not getting any clear answers.

Been off the hard stuff for a while now and the weirdest part is realizing getting sober didn’t magically make me feel normal again. I thought once withdrawals ended everything would click back into place but instead I just felt flat all the time. No motivation, no energy, no interest in anything like my brain forgot how to function without chemicals involved.

That’s the part nobody really explains. You stop chasing the high and suddenly you’re just trying to feel awake again. Work feels exhausting. Hobbies feel fake. Socializing feels forced.

What’s helped me the most has been smaller stuff like gym, better sleep, forcing routines, walking more, eating better. Even plain leaf kratom and occasional natural 7oh helped me stop obsessing over oxy without feeling completely numb.

I want to know how long it took other people before they actually felt normal again because this part has been harder than quitting itself.

Standard detox and luxury detox in los angeles are not the same program at a higher price point. The clinical infrastructure is different and it shows up in how the first 7 to 14 days go.

Things that are genuinely different:

Psychiatric access during the detox itself. Standard programs have a doctor for emergencies. Luxury programs with serious clinical infrastructure have board-certified psychiatric staff involved throughout the stay, which matters when anxiety, depression, or any co-occurring disorder is part of the picture because that stuff doesn't pause while your body detoxes.

Staff-to-client ratios. Standard detox programs run 20 to 30 clients per clinical staff member. Smaller luxury programs in LA run single digits. That number determines how much actual clinical attention you get day to day.

Dual diagnosis treated during the stay rather than noted and deferred. Most standard programs do a mental health assessment at intake, file it, and address it post-discharge in outpatient. Programs built for concurrent treatment are actively working on both conditions during the residential stay from the start.

Medically managed comfort protocols beyond the basics. Standard detox is focused on keeping you medically safe. Clinically serious luxury programs use a broader medication toolkit to actively manage withdrawal symptoms, sleep disruption, and anxiety alongside the medical necessity piece.

Aftercare coordination built in from admission, not a referral list handed to you on the last day. The transition out of detox is where a lot of people fall through the cracks and the better programs in LA treat it as part of the clinical program, not an afterthought.

I've been through both and the difference isn't the room, it's how much clinical attention you actually get and whether the people treating you know what's happening with you day to day.

Hey, just wanted to let everyone know that im completing a 90 day rehab center today. Ive found God and he’s helped me make a complete 180. Not just with my sobriety but with a lot of my internal conflicts. Giving my burdens and all my stress to Him to carry has made my program such much easier. I’ve never felt this kind of peace before. Ive been putting in so much work and have healed allot of the trauma that had been controlling my life and my decisions. Ive acquired new tools and have sharpened some I’ve already had. I can’t remember the last time i actually had goals and felt purpose in my life. Im gonna be going to sober living and continue my recovery in that setting before setting out into the world and utilizing everything I’ve learned up to this point. For the first time in a long time; im really proud of myself. And I’m so thankful for the staff at the program and the new brothers Ive made. Im the most thankful for my 9 year old daughter. She’s stuck it out with me, only seeing me on the weekends after being with me almost every day of her life, and she’s still thriving in school. She’s maintained her principles honor roll thru this tough time in her life and has been an inspiration to myself. Not only is she my daughter; but shes become one of my best friends. She deserves me at my best and that’s what I plan on becoming. I trust that God will guide me and give me the strength to carry out his will, whatever it is, I know it’s what’s gonna be best for me.

My little brother is going into a several-tens-of-thousands treatment facility tomorrow... given that every other option we’ve taken for his recovery hasn’t provided a permanent resolve, it’s my families last available option we’ve yet to take (given the obvious cost issue). I plan on sending this to him in the morning before he goes in.
I’m casting this off into the virtual abyss in hopes it might help someone else in whatever way they may need it. For obvious reasons, names and locations have been changed.

Good morning Kevin!
I hope you slept well last night 🤍 I’m really happy that you’ve spent these last few days with mama, I hope you felt safe and loved and comfortable.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, take it and run with it! You’ve been through so much for several years too many. I wish I could’ve seen the world through your eyes and shielded you from it all but I know that often times, the world is strange, and the shitty stuff that make you feel suffocated and lost, end up being the things that give you a reason to turn it all around. Don't let all of this be for nothing, give all of this a reason... make today and tomorrow and the rest of your life that reason to turn it all around 🤍

Out of you, me, and John, I can't even deny it, ur the kindest, warmest, most likable, and funniest by a factor of 1,000 😂 you have qualities I've spent 30+ years trying to mold into who I am and for you it's in your nature. Anyone who knows you would love another 30, 40, 50 years of seeing that side of you, seeing you thriving, laughing! Feeling free, fulfilled and content, truly content!!

That dream I had, the one I told you I’d tell you about sometime? I had woken up at 3am on the dot, 5am your time in Tennessee. I had woken from a dream, which rarely ever happens (I don’t dream normally, and if I do, I only remember tinyyy bits and pieces). This time tho, I remembered every detail. It involved an old acquaintance from high school. He was loved by everyone, but sadly passed shortly after graduation from a motorcycle accident. I haven’t thought of him in years but still, he came to me in this dream. And in this dream, he was in a predicament very similar to yours. I was helping him, doing my best to keep him out of harms way. At some point, he had collapsed and as I went to help him, he held on to me and said “you have to save your brother, you need to save him now”.

And that was when I woke up. Turns out that was roughly the time that you had been told to get ready to leave the detention center. I had this unexplainable sense that you were already awake and were going to be leaving the detention center soon but I also felt that you probably still didn’t have your phone yet. It was the closest thing to maternal instinct I’ve ever felt, kinda crazy actually! I can’t imagine what mama feels haha!! When I called her, she said she was already on her drive to Tennessee... I think that her heading your way to be with you the day you were coming out was all a sign that this is your time to turn it all around ♥️

Being lost is okay, it’s a part of life. I haven’t lost faith in you. Me, mama, John, Phillip, all your friends who’ve been through it and gotten out? None of us have lost faith in you! We believe in you so much!! Just don’t lose faith in yourself 🤍 Be vulnerable in there with yourself. Be vulnerable with the staff and the others who you can relate to, who are also trying to change their lives for the better! Think about the things you want to see in the world, the experiences you want to have, the hobbies you’ve always wanted to start and never did... think of all of that! I’m going to Japan this year, and before I even thought about what silly things to buy for myself I thought “what might Kevin want? Maybe we can go there together someday with John!!” Let’s make that happen :)

I love you Kevin. I wish distance didn’t separate us the way it does but my heart holds SO much space for you, I wish I could put it into words. Believe in yourself and make this the first day of the rest of your life!! Put your past in a bottle and throw it into the “ocean”. Sure, it’ll always exist within your past, but cast it off into the distance and carry on into calmer seas 🥰 you have a whole crew of people to help carry and guide you onto shore. I love you so much, you will do so so SO well!

Hey everyone,

I’m writing this because I feel like I need to journal my entire Suboxone journey and how it almost completely ruined me.

Quick background: addiction runs in my family, and I started taking opioids at a young age — around 15 or 16. I would steal them from my dad’s stash, and they gave me this superhuman confidence and energy that no other substance could match.

Fast forward to now: I’m 29 years old. I had been sober for 120 days until one day at a family gathering, my dad came up to me and told me to try this product called 7-OH. I could instantly tell by the way he was acting that he was already hooked on it himself — I just didn’t realize how intense it actually was until I tried a 10mg dose.

The second it hit me, I knew I was going to get addicted to this garbage.

At first, I only dabbled with it for a few weeks at a time because I was trying to avoid acute withdrawals. I’m a very active person and LOVE long-distance running, and honestly, 7-OH seemed perfect at first. It numbed the pain in my joints and made running feel more interesting and enjoyable. I mainly used it to push my fitness goals further.

But eventually, I took it too far.

I went on a 3–4 week binge using this stuff while trying to “get my life together” with work, training, fitness goals, etc. The entire time, I was hiding it from my girlfriend, who lives with me. I carried so much guilt every single day because I constantly had to lie about why I felt sick or exhausted when really I was in withdrawal.

Eventually, the binge got so bad that I folded and turned to Suboxone.

Huge mistake.

I didn’t dose it properly at all. I was taking 8mg every 48 hours, then using 7-OH for two days, then going back to another 8mg Suboxone dose. I did this cycle for about two weeks.

At the time, I was training for the Cleveland Marathon, and I told myself:

“Once I finish this race, I’m DONE with both Suboxone and 7-OH forever.”

The marathon was Sunday, March 17th. My last 8mg dose of Suboxone was Wednesday, March 13th.

I thought I would be okay.

I was wrong.

By Friday, the withdrawals started hitting, and it was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. The anxiety, depression, insomnia, and restlessness were on another level. I was standing in my condo feeling like I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

I tried my best to hold it together, but the symptoms just kept getting worse throughout the day and night.

Friday night, I barely slept at all. I couldn’t stop moving. I was anxious, restless, sweating, pacing — everything came in waves. I maybe got two hours of sleep total.

Saturday morning, I felt emotionally numb and physically exhausted. I had zero desire to eat, talk, or do anything productive, but at the same time, my body wouldn’t let me sit still. Anyone who’s gone through acute opioid withdrawal knows exactly what I mean.

The only thing that temporarily helped was the sauna. I stayed in there for hours trying to sweat everything out and calm my nervous system down.

By Saturday night, I had maybe five total hours of sleep over the previous 48 hours, and the marathon was the next morning. My withdrawals were peaking hard. The restless legs were unbearable, and it took every ounce of strength I had not to cave and take more Suboxone.

But somehow, I held the line.

I spent the entire night scrolling Reddit and reading other people’s withdrawal stories just trying to stay mentally positive.

Then 5:30 AM hit on race day.

I had slept maybe five hours total in two days, and I honestly questioned whether I should even attempt the marathon. But I still had 100mg of 7-OH saved specifically for the race.

So I took about 20mg.

Thirty minutes later, it hit me like a truck.

For the first time in days, I felt temporarily back inside my own body again. I felt human. I felt alive. I felt ready to run no matter what.

At 7:00 AM, the countdown hit zero and I started the marathon.

I carried the remaining 7-OH with me and took small amounts throughout the race whenever I felt myself crashing.

The run itself was brutal, but somehow I finished in 4 hours and 2 minutes. Considering the heat and the condition my body was in, I’m honestly shocked I didn’t collapse or die out there.

I literally ran an entire marathon while going through Suboxone withdrawal — with the help of 7-OH, of course.

When I got home afterward, I was destroyed. I couldn’t do anything except lay on the couch. I was nauseous, exhausted, and I could already feel the Suboxone withdrawals creeping back in.

I somehow dragged myself back to the sauna and stayed there for almost four hours until they closed, just sweating, hydrating, and trying to survive.

That night, I knew sleep wasn’t happening.

I had this horrible feeling in my chest — almost like the comedown from Adderall where your nervous system is so overstimulated that you know there’s no chance you’re falling asleep anytime soon.

Desperate, I drove to my dad’s house and stole comfort meds because I knew he had everything imaginable as an active addict.

I took five 0.3mg clonidine pills and some trazodone.

That was Sunday night.

I maybe got four hours of sleep.

When I woke up Monday morning, I was completely soaked in sweat and felt even worse than before. At that point, I think I was also experiencing mild withdrawal from the 7-OH on top of the Suboxone withdrawal.

I called off work and blamed it on soreness from the race and lack of sleep — which technically wasn’t a lie.

Then I went right back to the sauna and repeated the detox process all over again.

At this point, heat was the only thing bringing me any relief.

Fast forward to now: it’s Day 6 since my last Suboxone dose, and I still feel exhausted writing this. Last night, I finally managed to get around seven hours of sleep, probably thanks to the comfort meds and the fact that my body was completely wrecked from running 26 miles in withdrawal.

I’m working from home today, but I still feel the symptoms — just not as intensely as before.

Please listen to my warning:

If you’re taking Suboxone, even for just a week or two, do NOT assume you can stop cold turkey without consequences. You absolutely can experience full-blown withdrawal if you don’t taper properly.

Don’t make the same mistake I did.

I will never touch this stuff again.

If anyone has questions, feel free to ask. I’ll try to keep updating this post as my recovery continues day by day.

Will try to anonimyze as much info as I can here. I am 30F, engaged to be married to 30M. My uncle 45M inherited half of my childhood family home and is currently living in it estranged from the rest of the family due to his issues. His half of the house is insurance for some of his loans and the only way to get it back is to buy off some of his micro loans, which are not a lot but a blocker for it to go on market. As a family member, I'd be able to do that per local laws.

When my grandmother, his bio mom but a "in role" mom of all of us in the close family circle, died in 2022, the entire family went no contact with him, myself included. Blamed her death on him. Me, on the other hand: I have been trying to get him help, but he was angry with me and kept spewing hurtful things literally just to hurt my feelings whenever I'd touch on the subject, so I went NC for my own mental health. I co-own the other half of the house.

A VERY BRIEF BACKGROUND of him:

\- He started using back in 2010, xanax. This was when he was depressed. Went on to become an alcoholic

Started gambling online and doing harder drugs in 2011. He fell into the wrong crowd and had a great job, so he had a lot of money and time to splurge, and what happened - happened.

\- He now has a job where his license was at risk to be taken away multiple times with his arrests (3-4 arrests related to drugs, but it was either his possession within the limits of "personal use" or he was caught in a car with people who had drugs on them, so minor misdemeanors = however, he's been stacking them which could grow into something more), but because my grandparents were pretty influential people in the community, people kinda keep covering up for him.

\- He has maxed out all of his loan capabilities plus he owes thousands to multiple close family, friends, and neighbors.

The house is a two-story house with two separate flats and a giant yard. After nearly 4 years NC, I'm now considering also buying off the other half of the house under a signed agreement that he still gets to live in one of the flats, and that I would provide housing/shelter for him for the rest of his life. I have selfish reasons, to be frank; I want to be able to return to my childhood home and make it a place of joy again, I do co own it after all. The other 50% of my reasoning, though; I feel like I still owe it to my grandparents to not give up on him. He was also like a brother to me, and not a day in these four years has passed where I didn't ask myself if I could have done more.

To add more detail, what I did do in years prior to going NC:

\- Contact all people who were ever close to him to disclose his addiction (with a request of discreetness, of course) and ask them to no longer send him money,

\- had long sessions with my grandmother guided by my therapist (she didn't want to go herself, and when she gave in she sadly passed),

\- tried talking to him and reasoning with him in about a million different ways (including discussing my own feelings about his addiction instead of pointing out what it's doing for him),

\- covered some of his debt and paid off some loans (in retrospect, I didn't know I was possibly enabling him),

\- contacted an addiction rehab facility and tried to enroll him multiple times, guided by their counsellors,

\- staged interventions with friends and family,

\- begged to enroll him into group Addicts Anonymous (very successful program here with high success rates, but until you get a sponsor, during the first few sessions = a friend or family member you trust needs to be with you on those meetings as an accountability partner, they say it's a prerequisite to successful sobriety idk)

The problem: he never admitted his issues, not even when confronted with evidence, like drug test results, baggies of substances, or bank statements that show the amount deposited into online casinos. He always claims they were falsified or someone is trying to set him up or whatever. I know admission is the first step towards recovery and is mandatory, but we never got to that step.

I was told he needs to lose something he truly cares about in order to be motivated to get sober. I thought when grandma passed, that would be the defining moment, and he would want to get sober for me (we were incredibly close, even through his addiction). I graduated from my MA program a week after she passed, and he missed the ceremony. I had access to his email and bank statements (something he willingly gave me for another reason years prior but forgot he did) and saw hundreds of dollars deposited to a casino. We had a huge fight and i saw red, but he wasn't even phased. A couple of weeks later with multiple incidents like these and a lot of hateful snapbacks, I went NC.

It's been almost four years, and from what I hear around in the community, he's stuck in place. Still using, still gambling. He managed to get one of my late grandma's family members to pay for his bills under the premonition that he's in debt due to her medical bills (yes I tried talking to her too, but she won't listen as he managed to manipulate her into thinking I'm making up stories about him and that I'm just hateful). Still works the same job, people still cover when he's "out of it". His entire paycheck goes toward the odd meal, gambling, weed, and amphetamines.

My (probably naive) thinking into why buying the house and covering the debt would be a good idea and not necessarily enabling:

\- He would no longer have property that could be estranged if he doesn't give back his loans. If his payments stop, he would be forced into community service to pay them back, but the property would be secured and he would have a place to come back home to.

\- I could control who comes to the house or not. Was planning on putting up security cameras and filing restraining orders if any of his junkie friends tried visiting.

If he were to revolt and crash somewhere else, he would be back sooner or later (as much emotions as he's lost, I think he's still sentimentally attached to that place, too)

\- We're planning a family. There will be Birthdays and Christmases and Easters, and part of me hopes he'd want to get clean to not miss out on them. I would offer AA as a prerequisite to be family. I obviously expect him to still slip up, I just need him to start trying.

Obviously, this goes against what I have been advised (to let him lose everything and hit rock bottom). So, I hope I'm not being offensive or hurtful by asking this question in this community, but as addicts who have admitted their addiction and are on a path to getting sober -- you may know where his head is right now much better than I do, and give me clarity I can't get right now.

Is this a good idea? Or would I be enabling him even more? If so, then what \_could\_ work, what have I not thought of?

Any POV is appreciated, thank you in advance!

Currently 12 days in now and all I can say is “ WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT” 😳
I made a post a few days ago about how I finally broke down and told my husband about my daily oxy addiction. While he wasn’t mad at me, disappointed yes but he said he would be there for me, etc. I’ve always tended to keep things to myself because I just didn’t feel like my husband has the capacity to understand things that he just does not know. Anyways, he told me to come to him when I’m feeling overwhelmed and things like this. I’ve tried since to go to him 3 separate times and explain how bad I’m struggling and his responses are along the lines of

“I know it’s hard but you have to be like me in a way, just put it in that dark place in your brain and forget about it like I do.I know it’s hard but you wonder how I just blow shit off or let it go don’t worry about it and don’t think about it and it’s gone”. Like DAMN DO I WISH IT WAS THAT EASY. Anyways, I just still feel alone in this and not really heard. I told him how bad I was struggling and how I was feeling guilty bc I feel like I betrayed the trust of my job and things. I told him I felt like I needed to tell my job, he talked me out of that. Then I suggested that I just maybe needed to take some time off of work, his solution was for me to just go back to work and “tough it out and put it out of my mind “.

The 12th step says we “practice these principles in all of our affairs.” Im just curious, how have the 12 steps affected you in the workplace? I had a lot of resentment around work when I started the steps and focusing on service to others helped me with recovery. It has also helped me professionally because I’ve grown closer to my team and helped train many people as a result of needing to do steps 10-12 at work. I know the corporate life can be toxic and competitive sometimes, so I was just curious to hear from others how recovery has affected things for them career wise.

I got pulled into oxy during college in the dumbest “this won’t happen to me” way ever. It started with taking one here and there from a friend after a rough week. Then it turned into using them to study, sleep, deal with stress, deal with being bored, deal with literally anything. I kept telling myself I was fine because I still went to class and kept my life mostly together. Yeah. Not really. By the end of that year, I felt like a shell. I wasn’t even getting much out of it anymore. I was just taking them to not feel awful. I quit cold turkey and it was honestly one of the worst times of my life. Sweats, chills, no sleep, restless legs, stomach wrecked, anxiety through the roof. Just lying there counting hours like an insane person. I don’t recommend doing it that way, but I pushed through because I was scared of where I was headed. I thought I was literally gonna die for a month straight. Not fun to say the least lol. Now I’m finally in a better place. Not perfect, but normal again. I started eating better, taking omega 3, vitamin D, magnesium glycinate for sleep, working out again, and trying to have an actual routine instead of living like a raccoon with WiFi. I’ve also been using natural 7OH in low doses and for me it’s been a big part of staying functional without going back to oxy. I’m doing better at my job. I’m going out with friends again. I’m not waking up every day thinking about pills. That alone feels huge. I know everyone’s path is different but harm reduction matters. Sometimes getting better isn’t one magic thing. It’s a bunch of smaller choices that finally stack up and I hope this can just help someone push through just one more day, it will be the best decision you will ever make. Good luck to everyone and wishing everyone good health!

I've been trying to get clean off of meth for about a couple months now. I started heavily back the end of February. I got really close with the new dealer and his wife and child. I went through traumatic stuff and none of friends or family were there. Even though Im the type of person to always be there for everybody. The only people that cared and showed up, treated me like I was a person, showed me that I can do it. Were the people I started buying from. They believed in me when no one else did. Great people they truly are. I'm great ful for them. They are the most kindest caring and loyal people I've ever met. The problem is it's one of the biggest reasons why I keep relapsing. I don't want to cut them out my life is there any other way? I need advice and have no one to talk about this with.

ADD ON

This is such a hard decision for me because the girl I came close with. I'm her only friend and she's gone through a lot like I have in life. My best friend of 15 years would always ghost when my life would get rough. Most recently she cut me down so bad while I was fighting the addiction and suicidal thoughts, even though, she didn't even care enough to ask what's been going on, she just assumed. It really made question the entire friendship. I'll never look at her the same. Everytime she needed somebody whether she was going through domestic violence homelessness, drug addiction, abortions etc. no matter if we talked in months or days. I would always welcome her and her kids into my home. But Everytime I went through some fucked up shit, she would be gone. So I really can't do someone that's been the only one there for me how I've been done. I don't have the heart. the guilt would eat me alive

I've made several posts about getting to rehab. That is happening, but I'm not there yet. I had an intake at a great place yesterday, and the counselor said they'd call within 3 business days...they also gave me a card and told me to call them beforehand too.

I need to get admitted asap. My use has returned and progressed to a point I never imagined I'd come back to. I'm either drinking, high, strung out,—or sober, but so depressed and sleep deprived that I'm basically just as dysfunctional anyway. I'm doing everything I can to get to rehab, but the longer it takes the more I deteriorate. The more I deteriorate, the more everything feels unmanageable, and that stress only makes me want to use even more.

I was not like this two months ago. I was actually capable of handling life's hard shit. But ever since I started relapsing, it's gotten easier and easier to continue. Now, I'm using the excuse that because I'm going to rehab, I have free rein to do fuck all until then. I know it's irrational. I know I'm harming myself. I know I'm suffering so much more by not being sober.

But I can't stop. My days are spent existing, not living. There isn't even a hesitation before I head out to buy more alcohol. Even though I'm nearly broke, I seriously consider getting a bag instead of food. I stopped going to meetings. I don't make plans with friends. I've totally abandoned my yoga practice. I haven't been to the gym in weeks.

The only thing I've been capable of doing is trying to get to rehab. I've been reaching out to my friends, and those connections are all currently centered around support for getting me into treatment. I feel like I'm annoying. I don't like being so heavily dependent. I'm exhausted, and I dissatisfied with how I'm showing up right now.

The worst part is how numb I feel. This is one of the most miserable experiences of my life, and my substance abuse has me feeling totally disconnected from any feeling that matters. My friends all know where I'm at. They're offering support, but I don't want to rant at them about how utterly powerless I feel right now. I feel like a husk of who I am, and I would be way more distressed by that if I was capable of actually connecting with my feelings.

I have got to get to rehab. I'm getting worse by the week.

I am still in the process of getting in to rehab. I started communicating with HR weeks ago, and finally finished submitted my request for medical paid leave. With a name change and numerous changes in my address and employment records, it was a whole ordeal. I had to get that submitted before starting treatment because the deadline expires while I'll be in there. And now I'm nervous if I go in before it's fully approved, I might not be available to respond to any issues that require me to take action.

But I really need to get into treatment. I’ve been floundering. I had a beautiful year being clean & sober, but I’ve been relapsing horribly. It's gotten so bad so quickly. I'm seeing myself deteriorate rapidly, falling back into the most self-destructive behaviors I thought I left behind.

I can see myself spiraling, and it's partly because I don't have a therapist anymore. When I started relapsing, my therapist dropped me as a client without warning. I’d been seeing them twice weekly—until one day I came in for a session and they told me I needed a “higher level of care” so therefore they could no longer see me. In leaving, they emailed me a random list of names for counselors and clinics—absolutely none of which take my insurance. They just googled “substance abuse counselors” and sent me their names, without context or even a url. I had to google them myself. I understand if substance abuse is not in their skillset, and it’s fair if they don’t feel qualified to provide the proper level of care, but I have really struggled with the way they went about it. Completely without warning. Immediate and sudden. Devoid of any actual help to even access the level of care they were telling me I needed. I felt abandoned, unsupported, totally overwhelmed. My actions are not their fault, but that’s when I really spiraling.

Everything feels so overwhelming now, and I feel totally out of control.

I’m trying to make it stop. I’ve been feeling so bad about myself, so disappointed with where I’m at right now. I reached for help from the rest of my support system, and felt like I was admitting I wasn’t who they thought I was. I felt like I was somehow betraying them, by telling them what was happening…But I’ve been met with nothing but endless love and compassion. I’ve been struggling to get myself to rehab, and they’re offering so much support in getting me to treatment. Emotional support, logistical support, mental support. Everyone all of a sudden has time for me, filled with care and heartfelt concern. It feels so healing, it made me break down in tears. I’ve never felt loved like this before.

And I feel like I’m failing that love by not being in treatment yet. I’ve made progress though. I got the paid leave submitted. I made dozens of phone calls untilI found two residential treatment centers which take my insurance—one offered me a bed for detox and the other offered me an in-person screening for their residential program tomorrow morning. Today I reserved and paid for a storage unit, so I do have a place to put my stuff while I’m in treatment, because I’m not returning to my apartment, so I just need to wait until my friends with cars can help me transport it…

But I’m really, really struggling. My intermittent relapse has turned into a constant lack of sobriety and it’s killing me. I feel broken and untrustworthy. I can’t take care of simple tasks. I can’t think or even feel, and I’m really, really scared.

I’m on day 9 of cold turkeying a daily oxy habit. For as long as I’ve been an addict, I have never once told a soul about my issue. I just couldn’t do it anymore, I felt like my whole body was about to explode trying to keep this all in. I started to feel like my kids and husband would be better off without me around. I’ve been through some shit in life but have never once been suicidal to the point I thought things out. My dad committed suicide when I was 12, I lost my mom when I was 2, so he was my whole world. I went into foster care after this. Anyways, point of that is- I swore I’d never do that to my kids once I became a mom. But when I tell you, last week I considered it. I never told my husband out of fear of loosing everything I have fought my ass off to get in life. I have a career where I had to fight my ass off in college for years and being an addict, is unacceptable. Where I thought I would meet judgement from my husband, he gave me compassion and understanding. He isn’t even angry at me. It was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. But the way my brain works, I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. While I was honest with him, I don’t think he truly understands what I’m going through. He comes from a “white picket fence “ life and has never had true struggles , which is of no fault of his. I’m scared of this being used against me in the future if any little things goes wrong, I feel like this is something he could use to destroy me. My husband is not a vindictive person but this is just how my brain is wired.

And while I feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, I also feel like the guilt of my addiction has hit me like a fucking freight train. I guess actually admitting my addiction out loud to someone other than myself is making the guilt just sink in and take its claws in me.

It’s really strange but I’ve never heard this word outside of AA/NA or rehabs. Providing comfort =yes. Comfortable =yes. Being comfortable= yes. Can someone help me understand where this comes from? Thx

Almost three months sober with no relapse yet *woo

Girlfriend told me this late at night some days ago over text, and it's been making me think. I don't feel anything other than sad because this is the biggest of her worries with me around? Why am I sad?

Sad because I've put her through so much, the things she overthinks now are me ending up dead. I never really understood how my addiction had affected the people around me because they usually left or I was just a floater friend around them, until I read that text from her.

Nothing more, congrats to me on the three months, anything is possible if you nap long enough to forget about things *that's a joke, but give it a try once in a while.

I was on prescribed pain pills for 10 years, I decided to quit due to pressure from my SO. He made me feel like it was ruining me and us, which I know it was contributing to my emotions, anxiety, insecurities and paranoia. Well, due to the pressure I cut back way too quickly and was withdrawing. Someone turned me on to Krotom 7oh. That was a different beast. It about destroyed my life. My anxiety, paranoia and emotions were off the wall, I couldn’t concentrate and I couldn’t even make it through a night of sleep without needing to get up and take some due to the withdrawals causing such bad RLS. After about losing everything and a couple suicide attempts, I decided to go to the ER for help. Their help was Suboxone. I was relieved to find that it did help me, I was for the first time sober from alcohol and pills or 7oh. My Dr. prescribed me 24mgs which I took for about a week then decided to quit because I didn’t want to get addicted to something else and heard this stuff was tough to get off of… I made it 4 days, and I was crying all of the time, mad and sad at my SO and just had no motivation to do anything. I started taking the Suboxone again, but this time I fluctuated between 4 and 8mg trying to go a day or 2 without. I have been on it for 4 weeks now and can’t seem to stop taking the 4mgs. Does anyone know what my withdrawals will be like after only 4 weeks of use? I am so scared, everyone says it’s hell to get off of. I know I need to stop now before it gets worse. I also feel like it is still causing me anxiety and emotional issues though maybe it’s also because I am also 4 weeks sober from the krotom, pain pills and alcohol. I also feel like my Dr. wants me to be a lifer for money because he’s telling me I need to be on it longer… knowing how hard it will be for me to get off. Has anyone had success quitting without feeling like they would rather be dead for 2 weeks? Tapering mgs and length of time between doses? Is it too late for me, am I already trapped?!