u/lxmohr

It’s not like I want to be like this. I wish I could be happy, I wish I could be normal. I don’t want to be a slave. But I’ve been to rehab 10+ times and overdosed more times than that. I just can’t stop. There’s nothing my family has been able to do for me that’s helped. Nothing I’ve been able to do on my own. I’m 32 and I’ve been using since I was 12. Every time I got to rehab I tell myself “this is it. I’m done, I’m not going back. I’m not that person anymore.” And then I go 7 months and I’m back burning bridges and shooting dope. My sister died from this shit, and I’m just like her. I just wish I could stop. I wish I could be normal and happy. I want this to be over so bad.

Me and my sister N were best friends growing up. We used to be really close, we had the same friends, hung out in the same spots. We smoked weed and occasionally drank together, but we weren’t trouble makers. In senior year of high school she started hanging out with different, older people. Sketchy people. She started getting into trouble with the law, possession, paraphernalia, public intoxication. My mom started to have to bail her out all the time. By the time she died, she had been to rehab three times.

She was dating this real piece of shit that would put his hands on her when he got angry, and because I was still young and naive I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t leave him. Now I know that he was a drug dealer, and he was using the drugs as a way to make sure she couldn’t ever leave because he introduced her to fentanyl and needles.

The night she died, I was walking past her room and I caught her picking at her skin in the mirror. The last thing I ever said to her was “You’re way too beautiful to be picking at your skin like that.” And I shut her door so that our mom wouldn’t see her doing that.

In the morning I woke up to my mom screaming. I jumped out of bed to go see if my mom was okay, and then I realized she was in N’s room. I tried to come in, but my mom grabbed me while sobbing and told me not to go in there. I asked her why but she couldn’t get any words out, she just kept crying. Right then I knew that N was dead. I don’t know if it was because I just woke up, but it didn’t seem like real life. I pushed past my mom and ran into N’s room. She wasn’t in her bed, then I looked in her bathroom. N was sprawled out across the bathroom floor, vomit was coming out of her mouth, but it looked like this weird foam. Her eyes were half open but they were completely lifeless. Her face was several different shades of blue, purple, and pale white in different spots. My mom tried to pull me out of her room again, but I pushed her off me and ran to N. Her body was cold, colder than I thought a human body could ever be. The needle was still in her arm. When I picked her up her limbs were stiff and moved weird. It wasn’t like in the movies.

I’ve been to therapy and grief counseling almost every week since that day, but I don’t even know if it’s helped me. Everyone says that I need to keep living my life \*for her.\* But there’s nothing I can do that’s going to bring her back. There’s nothing I can do to make my mom ever be okay again. I’ll never get my sister back, and my family will always be broken. The worst part is, I started using drugs to cope with the pain after she died. I’ve even been to rehab more times than my sister. I’ve overdosed three times. I had to be put onto a breathing machine and have my stomach pumped before Narcan was widely available. I literally became the person that destroyed our family in the first place. Every day I live in fear that my mom is going to find my body next, and I don’t think that she will survive that. My mom has never been the same, either. I wish I could pull N back out of the ground, bring her back to life, and bring her home again.

I have seven months clean off fentanyl and heroin, but today is going to be hard because the only thing I can think of is begging my sister to wake up while my mom tries to pull me off of her. I feel dead inside, and I feel like nothing is ever going to be okay again. Sometimes I feel like giving up and ending it all. The only reason I don’t is because I know that would kill my mom.

I don’t know why I posted this publicly. I just thought maybe if I wrote all this down, that it would somehow make me feel better.

I miss you, N.

I’m looking for friends to chat about my (our) interests in. Very heavy or sad music..(Emo, post hardcore, deathcore, early 2000’s metalcore) games, afflictions (depression/addiction), movies/tv, reading/writing. I have very strong opinions so keep up. I also have a lot going on with my work so I can’t always respond right away. 💕

I had to sell my PlayStation and now the only way I can game is on my iPhone. Is there any iOS games with a decent story?

Did nobody watch the previews for each season of the original show?? They do this constantly, because all of you talk about it, it creates buzz online, and then you watch it to see if it really happens. Click bait marketing, just like TWD. You fell for it again.

I met another girl in rehab 5 years ago (let’s call her J), and she initiated a friendship with me while we were smoking on the porch. Since then we have kept in constant contact, even though we haven’t consistently lived in the same state. Recently, I moved back to Florida so that I could be close to her, because she’s practically been begging me to come back. I’ve been looking for some community, so I did. It was a hard choice to make, because I had to leave behind another friend that ended up actually needing me after I left.

(This next part isn’t the actual point, but it has to do with me feeling like this is a one sided relationship.)

But whatever, it’s not like I could see the future. So J and I start spending more time together. We are both really into tv, so we both recommended shows for us to watch. This may seem like bitching, but I’ve watched three of her favorite shows back to back to back. She hasn’t even watched one episode of anything I’ve recommended. It wasn’t a huge deal, but it did bother me a little bit. Like I’ve spent hours watching stuff you wanted me to see, but you couldn’t even watch one episode of my shows? And then we agreed to watch obsession together, and when I came over she decided she didn’t want to go, and we watched more of \*her\* shows. Again, not a huge deal, but like….. come on. I had been avoiding spoilers and reviews all week while waiting to see it with her.

I’m also a trans woman, and sometimes she calls me by my dead name even though I’ve asked her not to. She always apologizes, but even the last time I saw her she referred to me as a man. I’ve had surgery to try and avoid this sort of stuff as much as possible, gone through voice therapy, and it just makes me feel like I’m not seen. But she met me when I identified as a man, so even though it hurts my feelings, I try to understand that it may be hard for her to see me as a different person than the one she met five years ago. I don’t hold a serious grudge over it.

Anyways, this is what started making me cop a resentment. A few weeks ago we were texting, and I decided to tell her about a recent relationship where I got hurt. I told her about everything that happened between me and this guy I was with for almost three years. I poured my heart out, and she literally never responded. Not a word until I texted her again about something unrelated.

Then today she texted me about hanging out, and after we had talked for a while, I told her I was feeling insecure about my weight. I’m used to having a flat stomach, and because I’ve been depressed I’ve been eating away some of my anxiety and depression. I told her about what I’ve been going through, and I opened up about my body dysmorphia. I explained that I was feeling like I was getting fat and she just didn’t ever respond. It’s the second time that’s happened recently.

I feel like whenever I open up to her, she just decides that it’s time to nope out and refuse to text me until I change the subject. But she’s supposed to be my best friend. I thought friends helped friends work through stuff like this. It’s not like I expect her to be my therapist, but I was expecting at least some sort of response.

Am I being a shitty? Maybe I’m just being self centered. Idk, but I also don’t know if I can just bury this and pretend nothing is bothering me. But I’m also a little autistic and it’s hard for me to make friends, and I don’t want to push her away. It’s really rare that I end up caring about anyone the way I care about J.

I just need someone to tell me if I’m overreacting, and how I should move forward. Thank you.

I met another girl in rehab 5 years ago (let’s call her J), and she initiated a friendship with me while we were smoking on the porch. Since then we have kept in constant contact, even though we haven’t consistently lived in the same state. Recently, I moved back to Florida so that I could be close to her, because she’s practically been begging me to come back. I’ve been looking for some community, so I did. It was a hard choice to make, because I had to leave behind another friend that ended up actually needing me after I left.

(This next part isn’t the actual point, but it has to do with me feeling like this is a one sided relationship.)

But whatever, it’s not like I could see the future. So J and I start spending more time together. We are both really into tv, so we both recommended shows for us to watch. This may seem like bitching, but I’ve watched three of her favorite shows back to back to back. She hasn’t even watched one episode of anything I’ve recommended. It wasn’t a huge deal, but it did bother me a little bit. Like I’ve spent hours watching stuff you wanted me to see, but you couldn’t even watch one episode of my shows? And then we agreed to watch obsession together, and when I came over she decided she didn’t want to go, and we watched more of \*her\* shows. Again, not a huge deal, but like….. come on. I had been avoiding spoilers and reviews all week while waiting to see it with her.

I’m also a trans woman, and sometimes she calls me by my dead name even though I’ve asked her not to. She always apologizes, but even the last time I saw her she referred to me as a man. I’ve had surgery to try and avoid this sort of stuff as much as possible, gone through voice therapy, and it just makes me feel like I’m not seen. But she met me when I identified as a man, so even though it hurts my feelings, I try to understand that it may be hard for her to see me as a different person than the one she met five years ago. I don’t hold a serious grudge over it.

Anyways, this is what started making me cop a resentment. A few weeks ago we were texting, and I decided to tell her about a recent relationship where I got hurt. I told her about everything that happened between me and this guy I was with for almost three years. I poured my heart out, and she literally never responded. Not a word until I texted her again about something unrelated.

Then today she texted me about hanging out, and after we had talked for a while, I told her I was feeling insecure about my weight. I’m used to having a flat stomach, and because I’ve been depressed I’ve been eating away some of my anxiety and depression. I told her about what I’ve been going through, and I opened up about my body dysmorphia. I explained that I was feeling like I was getting fat and she just didn’t ever respond. It’s the second time that’s happened recently.

I feel like whenever I open up to her, she just decides that it’s time to nope out and refuse to text me until I change the subject. But she’s supposed to be my best friend. I thought friends helped friends work through stuff like this. It’s not like I expect her to be my therapist, but I was expecting at least some sort of response.

Am I being a shitty? Maybe I’m just being self centered. Idk, but I also don’t know if I can just bury this and pretend nothing is bothering me. But I’m also a little autistic and it’s hard for me to make friends, and I don’t want to push her away. It’s really rare that I end up caring about anyone the way I care about J.

I just need someone to tell me if I’m overreacting, and how I should move forward. Thank you.

32 y/o looking for another woman to talk about music, tv shows, interests

I’m not trying to use a broad stroke to paint everyone the same, I know some of this is in my head. But I feel like everywhere I look I see hatred for women, going from casual misogyny to pure vitriol. I know that in reality not everyone is like this, but it’s just really depressing that I keep seeing some people say really degrading things about women. Or blaming women for their problems, saying that we look ugly without makeup but also fake for using it in the first place, making jokes about how crazy women are, talking about women like we are an object to be collected and bragged about.

Maybe this is just stupid, but sometimes I cry just because I don’t feel like I’ll ever be accepted as a human because I was born into the wrong gender. I don’t feel safe going anywhere alone because I’ve been SA’d before, and I’m afraid that it will happen again. I feel like I can’t trust any man that wants to be my friend because he may have some sort of ulterior motive that I don’t know about. Sometimes I feel like I wish I had never been born.

Maybe this is crazy and all in my head. But I don’t feel like I can say this to anyone in real life because I don’t want to be made fun of. That may still happen.

I don’t know what to do or how to handle these feelings, so I’m hoping maybe an internet stranger will give me some advice.

Don’t wait 10 years, this moment won’t last forever.

I’m into metal and emo, pop punk, pop. I’m depressed. I am trying to find someone as damaged as me. Not sending you nudes. Is there someone barely hanging on? I’m not making a commitment, I’m trying to find someone that’s on my level. I’m a handful so don’t bother unless you’re the same.

Edit: you’re not getting nudes. How many times do I need to say this.

Going through a phase where it’s hard to socialize outside of work. I like gaming (ps5 and pc) but don’t have a gamer base atm ): , I also love reading and writing and being creative. I love being outside, but I also love movie night and binge watching my favorite shows.

I’m LGBTQ+ friendly, but it’s not necessary. I’m just in a place where it’s hard to socialize irl. I just want some human connection…

I’m into gaming, art, and music is life. Done all the drugs, now I’m in recovery.