r/DecidingToBeBetter

I am age 25 now, and I have pretty much used weed and or nicotine on a daily basis since I was 17, with occasional week or two breaks. I have always had trouble with sleep, in specific just not being able to shut off my brain and all the thoughts that I am having. Nicotine is much easier for me to quit (hard to believe I know) but I always have the urge to smoke something. First weed then nicotine and repeat that cycle. Stressful day, things not going my way, past trauma etc. I recently became a father and want to do better for my family, and hopefully not pass on any bad habits. Any helpful tips would be appreciated!

I know nobody likes chores, but my dislike feels like it’s on another level

I have a family of 6(3 younger siblings) so I’m expected to contribute. My parents don’t actually ask for much, yet I get irritated even by something as easy as clearing the table. I’ll leave dishes sitting for hours until my mum gives up and does them herself. I feel guilty about that, but I still can’t make myself do them.

Cooking is the same. I can make a handful of dishes and they turn out average, but I despise doing it. I won’t even cook for myself. I’d rather eat yoghurt or whatever else is in the fridge(I actually never cooked for myself during summer break instead opting to eating at my grandparents or eating whatever in the fridge), because I just don’t see the point.

I wondered if my phone was the problem, so last summer I deleted all social media and limited my screen time to an hour a day for a month. I still hated every chore.

I’m graduating this year and will be studying away from my family, so I really want to build these life skills. I already know how to do them. What I want is to be able to do them without such intense dislike. My parents keep reminding me it’s necessary, and they’re right.

Has anyone been through this? What do I do? Help a girl out please

Today I finally studied three pages after being stuck in a loop for years.

Today I also went out with a random girlie at movies and nobody died. I was still shy and didn't know things but eventually everything worked out . A few years ago depressed, barely eating, lazy, alone and sad. I would have never thought I would accomplish any if these. I brush my teeth almost every day and I shower at least once a week . I don't overthink as much ... i am still terrified of exams my future etc etc but I keep going . Me from 3 or 4 years ago would be proud.

If I did it you can too:)

this is not me trying to victimize myself, if it comes off like that know it wasn't my intention. for context, I've sat with this question of "am I a good or bad person" for as long as I can remember. with every negative situation, it either becomes proof that I am or a court case in my head on whether I'm in the wrong or something/someone else. I don't know why I do this, everything is a court case in my head.

I don't have bad intentions with anything I do, not consciously. it's not about crimes or anything by the way, it's just about other people. I was never someone who could handle a lot of friends, I always had one best friend. someone who I was super close to, it made it easier to put all my energy (that I had no control over) into one person rather then loads of people. I always said as a child, friends and family meant more to me than boyfriends and stuff. I truly did want to just have friends.

throughout the years, and with reflection, I've noticed a common denominator. I am the one who ends up alone. I spend restless nights trying to remember friendship breakups, how they actually ended. a lot of them, I can't remember at all. the ones I can, they were either because I felt insecure, sometimes I was manipulated, I had no boundaries and got tired of being the therapist friend, I got overly irritated at them for reasons I dont know, typical high school things. the point here is, I could get past all this. but im alone, and that means something. I have no one now. I entered a deep depression 2 years ago, and having no one has made it harder.

I guess my question is, is how do you know you're a bad person. I want to be surrounded by people, I want to know if im hurting someone. if I knew, I would change it. every friendship that has ended, I've never been told why. sometimes it was just them pulling away, or a big fight because I felt left out (I was insecure so probably why). when I see tiktoks of people say, "you know someones a bad person when every friendship they've had, has ended them up being alone while the other people have friends". which is true for me. they have friends now, I don't. isn't that saying something?

when i was around 5-6 years old, my mom got me and my brothers 3 turtles. They were highly uneducated on how to take care of them, and the 'knowledge' on how to care for them that i had came entirely from them. One died a year after we got him i think, but i'm not sure since it was a long time ago. My older brother took care of the two remaining ones up until 2 years ago. after that, they were left in a room no one in my family went in, so i'm not even sure if they were being taken care of. I was 15 when one of the two died, and i cannot forgive myself for letting it happen. I cant believe i forgot about animals that were in my house. The remaining one was moved to my younger brothers room but i'm gonna be real, he's very immature and I should have stepped in to not let him be it's main caregiver (especially since he's rarely home due to some circumstances)

Now, I'm 17 and realized a few days ago by going into his room that the conditions that she lived in were inhumaine. No lights, no filter, no heater, very dirty water and barely enough water for her to swim. I went to the pet store immediately and bought everything i needed. New tank, uv light, higher basking spot, filter and a heater. I installed the new aquarium in my room and am keeping a close eye on her. She seems to be struggling to dive which is a sign of gas buildup so i arranged myself with my grandma to get a vet appointment.

Even though i am trying to do everything to upgrade her quality of life, i cannot believe i let this animal neglect happen in my home. I know that my parents got us them while we were young and uneducated on how to care for turtles but i still let her live in those conditions for years. it has been over 10 years and i just... waited. It led to the death of the other turtle i had and just thinking about it is making me want to burst into tears. I'm a horrible human being. How can i claim to love animals yet neglect one in my home like this? I have 3 cats that i cannot imagine myself hurting and whenever i step on their paws my accident, i feel guilty for hours. So why did i let this happen?

The worst part is that nobody in my family seems to care about her. I asked my younger brother to help me pay the vet bill and he told me that he saw the turtle as less valuable than a dog or a cat, which broke my heart for some reason. I educated myself on everything to do and apparently for the day and night cycle, i should use as little light as possible when she's supposed to be sleeping. My parents made fun of me when they saw me squeezing myself into my room to not let any light in and apparently, while i was gone, they went in my room and opened my light just to look at the new installment. This is really making me very emotional because everyone else in my family saw her as nothing more than a decoration, including me not long ago. She didnt ask to be here. She didnt ask for any of this. All she wants is live and she has no one on her side but me now. I'm trying my hardest to provide as much as needed for her. If i notice that i am unable to properly take care of her, i fear i will have to rehome her. But i fear that by doing so, she will be in the hands of someone just like my parents.

Everytime i look at her, i feel the guilt eating me inside. I truly am a horrible person. But now there is nothing i can do beside try to make up for the years of neglect that she has suffered through. From now on, i promise that she wont suffer any longer

This is very embarrassing and shameful for me to admit. But, I’m going to try to be as blunt and not self-pitying as I can.

I’m an extremely insecure person I think I may have discovered a pattern in myself. I will constantly make rude jokes/ comments to people. Even when I have not known them long enough to have any right to do so. I think the subconscious point of this is to bring the other person down a peg so that I can feel better about myself.

The topic of these comments is usually centered around intelligence. Likely because that was a big deal in my family growing up. And honestly, it feels like my biggest redeeming quality.

In a past relationship I used to do this. It got to the point where I would outright say things like “you’re so dumb” while laughing under the guise of it being a joke. She told me it made her upset, and feel bad about herself. I told her I was “just joking” and continued to do it anyway. I know now that I was not joking. I did think that she was less intelligent than me. And I used her as a tool to make myself feel superior. To boost my self-confidence.

This was when I was in high school several years ago. I haven’t treated anybody that poorly since. Likely because my self-esteem had improved immensely since then. But, I want to specifically address it because I never want to slide back into those habits.

I want to be a patient and kind person. I want to be someone people feel at ease around. I want to be someone who adds value to people’s lives, not someone who breaks them down and makes them feel worthless.

I often find these kinds of “negging” comments/ jokes slipping out randomly. And I really don’t like it.

Any advice on how to stop doing this would be greatly appreciated. Or any relevant resources.

I’ve been thinking about how we don’t give ourselves or other people enough credit for the little things in life.

We often celebrate the big milestones, like getting a dream job, getting promoted, or achieving something extraordinary. But what about the smaller victories? Finishing a marathon, getting back into running after a difficult time, finally finding a job after months of rejection, or simply making it through a period of life that wasn’t easy.

I think sometimes we forget that what looks like a small achievement to one person might mean the world to someone else

And honestly, I think we should let people celebrate their wins without making them feel like those wins aren’t big enough.

You never really know how many failures, disappointments, or difficult moments someone has experienced throughout their life. Maybe that marathon is something they’ve been working toward for years. Maybe getting that job came after dozens of rejections. Maybe what looks like a small step forward is actually the result of someone trying to put their life back together.

We all have different struggles, different starting points, and different things we’re trying to overcome. Not everyone is running the same race, and not everyone is at the same stage of life.

Some people are celebrating big milestones, while others are just happy to have made it through another difficult year. And both deserve to be celebrated.

I guess I’m learning that we don’t always have to wait for something huge to happen before we allow ourselves to feel proud. And we don’t have to understand someone else’s journey to be happy for them, either.

So let people celebrate their little wins. Let them be proud of themselves. You never know how much it took for them to get there.

What’s a small win in your life that meant more to you than other people might realize?

Im jay. and I'm currently going through a episode because i think i might have bpd. and i had a past of lashing out at people who dont deserve it and not taking accountability for my actions. i have a habit of running away and cutting contact with people under the guise of "moving on" but i don't want to run anymore. what do i do. i dont want to repeat the loop anymore. i dont know how to control my anger

So pretty much just the title says I'm trying to work on being a better person. More specifically I'm trying to work on being a less negative and pessimistic person.

I want to be able to do this because I have been like this before, back when I was in high school and to a lesser extent college. Nowadays, really ever since I started my early 20s, I feel like I've been less happy and more toxic in life. Mostly in high stress situations, I guess I just have an issue of lashing out and freaking out whatever my emotions are high. Which in and of itself is an issue because I feel like my emotions are constantly sensitive and elevated. It's resulting in me just becoming way less approachable and amicable that I was in my teen years.

Maybe this has to do with me being officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but the thing is I am talking to a therapist and soon I'll be back on meds after speaking to a psychiatrist so that's something at least. Unfortunately though stuff like therapy and medicine (for now at least) aren't really readily available for when I need it. And I feel like I need it most when my mind starts to go crazy and resort to being a pessimistic, hopeless, "oh woe is me" individual that I have become.

A lot of people however are able to cope with these feelings or get rid of them entirely and I want to start working towards eliminating those negative feelings. I don't want to always have to resort to being the way I am whenever things get tough for stressful or when I'm facing a challenging situation (my Reddit history, as much as I hate to admit, can attest to this). So I guess the question that I'm asking is how can I combat these thoughts? How can I focus on being less toxic and pessimistic whenever I'm faced with some sort of difficulty or adversity and not resort to lashing out about my problems every single day?

I am not smart, and maybe not being smart should be okay. But what is not okay is being unintelligent, and overall, an idiot. This is what i am. And this will be as far i'll go when describing myself, because i want to avoid breaking rule 6.

Thorought my whole life i've been terrible at reading social cues, had close to no common sense, zero problem solving skills no matter how many attempts, bad memory, misunderstanding everything and just messing up everything all the time, being a liability for everyone. Not to mention i almost failed high school despite giving my best in the studies.

It's a weakness that pesters me to this day and i am sick of it. At first i wanted to be smart or at least smarter, but that is an unrealistic standard to aim for. Maybe i can just be average, and i ahould be happy with that. My biggest priority is getting rid of my lack of intelligence, because if i don't do anything soon enough, i'm pretty sure it's going to ruin my life one way or another.

I want to change this today. Where can i start? What should i aim for?

I've noticed that sometimes I react to a situation before I fully understand it.

I make assumptions based on how I feel in that moment, and later I realize there might have been another way to look at things.

I'm trying to get better at pausing before deciding what something means.

Not every uncomfortable situation is a bad one, and not every mistake means I've failed.

Sometimes, personal growth is simply being willing to question your first reaction instead of believing every thought immediately.

I'm still learning this, but it has helped me look at situations a little differently.

What's one thing you've changed your perspective on that made a real difference in your life

I have found myself getting extremely extremely like brain numbing heart wrenching sad whenever life throws some inconvenience. I want to treat it like a normal sad thing and move on, but it becomes so so so so intense, and I know it's because of anxiety and past trauma.

My therapist said I need to unlearn my pattern of making it a big deal. But how do I do it?

For example, I got stressed house hunting when I had to move out of my student accom. I knew I needed a decent place within my budget, and the intensity of all the limitations and sucky options was horrible. Then I had to choose between staying in London after my offer got rescinded but feeling alone here, or going back home (I came here for a masters program) where home has its own deep problems. I came here hoping I could build a new life, and that building is too much. Everything was fine during my studies but everyone left. Then the job I was sure I was gonna get was rescinded one week before I was about to join full time, and the house I selected after months of looking turned out not good. It was living with a stranger and I had to move out.

Everything crumbled at once and honestly it feels like I am still in the middle of it.

Why do I have to feel it so intensely, and what can I do to unlearn this intensity?

Genuine question. I’m sorry, I feel like I’m not very emotionally or socially well adjusted (in a very mundane way). People often say to work on yourself or get therapy, but my current therapy experience feels like I’m just telling someone about my issues and they’re being sympathetic. I know it’s NOT healthy or kind to want to text everyone I know various messages asking for reassurance or validation. What are you supposed to do that’s healthy or builds better habits? I just feel awful about myself and like all I want to do is hide from everyone else. Am I just supposed to write out the feelings until they go away? Or distract myself? Will that eventually lead to a ‘healthier me’ who has these compulsions less often?

I (21F) am posting this to process my thoughts and outline where I stand. I am not looking for comfort, sympathy, or validation. I know what I did, and I accept the consequences of my choices.

Many months ago, I engaged in a sexual encounter with someone who was in a relationship. It was a selfish choice, and there is no excuse for it. After the secret leaked, I initially panicked and made a guilt-driven agreement with him to take 100% of the blame, claiming I "made it all up" so he could play the victim. But when faced with his girlfriend, I couldn't carry out that lie. I chose full honesty instead: I owned up completely, apologized for my part, and laid out the facts, while he chose to stay in complete denial.

The public fallout on social media is brutal. My name is being dragged, the shaming is nonstop, and I accept that I brought this environment on myself, but I struggle with feeling like I don't even have the right to feel hurt or overwhelmed given the pain I caused an innocent person.

I am forced to look at myself honestly now. I took accountability for the action, but now I am trying to navigate the hard internal work of processing immense guilt.

For those who have hit rock bottom morally and rebuilt their integrity, how do you process the weight of your past mistakes while actively doing the work to be a better person?

I am officially on Day 7 of cold-turkeying heavy THC dabbing after over 2 years of daily use. I am also stepping away from alcohol and cigarettes at the exact same time.

It is now 10:30 AM, and after barely sleeping at all last night, I am pushing through the daytime physical waves. My body feels like it is in complete overdrive.
Because my cannabinoid receptors are so heavily tied to my gut, stopping the heavy concentrates has unleashed a lot of stomach chaos—acid, nausea, and cramping—which is completely aggravating an active stomach ulcer today.

Dealing with the total exhaustion from last night alongside this level of gut discomfort is testing every ounce of willpower I have.

Right now, I am just focusing on taking this journey hour by hour, sipping warm water, trying to keep something bland down, and mentally riding out the physical waves as my body clears everything out. Leaning heavily on this group for mutual support today as I hit the one-week mark. Thank you everyone. Thanks for reading.

I would love to hear from anyone who has rebuilt their personality and zest for life after experiencing years of anhedonia or depression. If you avoid life for long enough, it is hard to come back from the atrophy that occurs.

I know a part of me wants to live, have new experiences, learn and grow - but I feel like such a shell of a person. I want to make new connections but feel I have nothing to offer because I have spent years failing to take an interest in much of anything, or to actively pursue life. I have nothing to talk about 😭 it is so hard to throw myself at life when doing so throws it into perspective how behind I really am, and I am still experiencing waves of “what’s the point” numbness.

How did u do it?! Thanks for all who reply <3

I was abusing hash shroooms lsd messed with dmt benzos

Now i feel like a child learning how to walk

I don't know how to quit my digital addiction. I have just realised that all my time I spent on Reddit, I ended up avoiding the world around me. Instead of meeting people, studying (especially for an exam in only 2 months time), reading the books I piled up, I'm scrolling on Reddit, getting into silly arguments and comment threads..

Yes, I am the typical redditor. And it angers me that I keep spending time on this website despite having been in a foreign country for 6 months so far. I am angry about all the time I wasted. I am angry that this website has basically been an avoidance coping mechanism. But I want this to end!

I know it's entirely my fault, I understand Reddit is not as bad as other social medias but I find it more addictive than Insta and Facebook. Deleting them was easy but no matter what I do, I can't get off this site...

How do I finally snap out of it? It feels like my biggest challenge yet...

Over the past 3 months, I’ve been dealing with a very high level of anxiety because of some stressful events in my life. I feel like my nervous system has become extremely sensitive — even the smallest amount of stress can trigger this feeling of panic in my chest, even when I’m not consciously feeling anxious.
I’ve started doing some things to try to calm my nervous system and help myself recover:

-Jacobson’s Progressive Muscle Relaxation

-Prayer

-10 minutes of meditation in the morning and 10 minutes at night

-Listening to calming/nervous-system-regulation music

-Using ambient/warm lighting in my room

-Lighting candles every day

-Cleansing my rooms with palo santo and sage because it helps me feel calm

-Taking hot showers to relax

-Going to therapy, where I’m doing EMDR

-I recently started yoga and I really enjoyed it

-Next week I’m also planning to start going to the gym

For those of you who have been through something similar: do these things actually help your nervous system become less reactive over time? How long did it take you to start feeling noticeably better?

Is there anything else you would recommend adding to my routine?
I would really appreciate hearing about your experiences, especially from people who have gone through a period of intense anxiety and eventually felt like their nervous system became calm again.
Thank you so much for any advice or personal experiences ❤️

Life was already beating my ass. My place was (and still is) a mess, I’m not consistent about anything, and I am riddled with anxiety. The only thing I had going for me was that I had a decentish job and I’m still making progress toward my bachelors.

Earlier this year, my dad died. We were NOT in a good place with each other. No “bad blood” I guess, but I couldn’t deal with him because of who is he is, so I left him in the past. I answered if he called (which was almost never). He died so unexpectedly and I was inconsolable. Despite how he became in old age (he had me super late in life), he used to be my preferred parent in childhood and his death wrecked me.

I was so, SO burned out from my job, and when he passed, I couldn’t handle it. I quit. My husband is wonderful and takes care of all the bills. He doesn’t expect a thing from me other than me feeling accomplished and happy in the day. I’m never that.

I wake up late, money is tight because I can’t find a job that makes me not want to die, the house is even WORSE, I’m horribly depressed most days, and the worst of all, my poor dog isn’t getting the care he used to. I literally have to scrape together the energy to feed him and walk him twice a day.

I’m still in school, so there’s that. I have 100s in all my classes, so that’s a win. I’m just so upset because I’m a barely a shell of the outgoing, accomplished, talented person I used to be. The decline started WAY before my dad died, but now I’m at the second to lowest low in my life.

And of course! I’m 26! No more mooching off my mom’s insurance, and my husband is an independent contractor. Can’t even see my amazing therapist anymore.

The fuck do I do?