r/DecidingToBeBetter

30 days ago, I decided to get better.
30 days ago, I decided to do something I’ve never done.
30 days ago, I was tired of relying on a substance to get through my days.
30 days ago, I broke a habit that no longer served me. Let’s be honest, it never serviced me from the start.
I’ve learned a lot in 30 days. I’ve learned to accept boredom as a pipeline to creativity. I’ve faced hard emotions I once would avoid, felt my feelings, cried it out, and screamed it out.
I worked out when I felt like going back. I did it until I was covered in sweat and out of breath. I felt better after a workout than I ever had after that first hit.
I decided to be open and honest about all of this with everyone I could: my friends, my husband, my father…all to hold me accountable. If I was gonna do this, I was gonna do this right.
30 days ago I couldn’t see myself going a day without weed. Hell, I couldn’t go an hour without weed. I used it as a social crutch, as an emotional crutch, as a crutch. Period. That’s all it was.
In 30 days, I have gone out for dinner with my old boss. For the first time I wasn’t using weed to manage my social awkwardness. I had a panic attack. Full blown. I was scared to be …. Myself.
I surprised myself when I realized I could recall memories easier, names easier, and I was all around better on my feet.
The brain fog is gone. The nightmares are gone. The cravings get less every day, even if I still want to take a hit the second things get bad.
I’m proud of myself for choosing sobriety. I’m proud of myself for choosing my future over a temporary high. I’m proud of myself for making it 30 days, stone cold sober.
Here’s to many more days, sober, experiencing life and every pain and success that comes from it. Happy to be here. Next on the agenda is dropping this vaping habit. I know I can do that, too.
Love and light to you all. 🫶🏻✨

I spent my teenage years completely alone with no friends. I never went to a party, never traveled with anyone, never hung out, and never got to go on outings. Most of my time was spent stuck between the four walls of my room scrolling through the internet.

From ages 18 to 22, my situation didn't change much. While other people at that age were starting their college life, making tons of new friends, having fun, living through a loud and exciting phase, becoming almost completely independent from their parents, and really discovering who they are, I was stuck in the same place.

I ended up starting college late, after people my age had already graduated. It was a simple school with barely any events or campus life, and the same isolation from my teens just kept going.

Now I am in my mid twenties and I feel deep grief over missing out on that whole chapter of my life. How do I accept this and move on with my life?

Over a year ago I decided I needed to quit drinking. There were many 'excuses' for my drinking and I had many reasons to back my decision to stop. I tried to rationalize with things like "I never black out. I drink at home where I am safe. I only have 5 or 6 a night. It's not a source of financial strain. It doesn't make me do things I regret. My performance at work isn't affected. It helps take the edge off and it helps me sleep." It took me almost 2 weeks to stop freaking out, tell the anxiety to STFU and just do it. Not for anyone but me.

The first month was awful as I had roommates who had a liquor counter/cabinet with (I counted once) 117 bottles of alcohol not including mini shooters. I moved and the next 2 months were incredibly hard as well. Life was life-ing and I was having a really hard time coping. Over time it did get better and the cravings stopped as I learned real coping skills and worked hard to heal the wounds that made me want to escape.

A few months ago I noticed that something had changed. I no longer wanted anything to help me escape. I also noticed that the one craving I did have wasn't for the sensation of alcohol, it was for the taste of rosé. And last month I realized I was capable of hanging out at a bar and not wanting anything but water or maybe a coke zero. The bar did make my anxiety skyrocket and I did want to physically escape but I sat with this feeling and realized it wasn't because of the alcohol or temptation. I was overstimulated by loud music, even louder people talking over each other and the chaotic energy of those inebriated around me. And I had zero desire to join them in their inebriation.

A year ago I felt trapped in my own failures. I felt like a victim of life's cruel jokes and circumstances not of my own doing. 365 days later I feel a kind of freedom, power, no longer a victim. A year ago I was afraid that I was an addict and would be one forever. Today I don't feel as though anything has power over me and the only power someone or something could have is the power I allow it to have.

I sleep better. I've lost 55 lbs and feel healthy and beautiful. I don't wake up shaking or nauseous. I am pursuing hobbies again, dreaming of my future. I feel capable. I don't feel so afraid. My life is far from perfect, but it is much improved through the energy and work I have invested in myself and my relationships. Today I am celebrating 365 consecutive days of caring for myself, my future and my family.

Title: My Plan: 5 Months of Physical Work and Sleep Only No Studying, No Mental Pressure

The post:

I’m a 22-year-old guy who has been addicted to pornography and masturbation for 12 years. I’ve been trying to overcome this addiction for the past 3 years, but every time I eventually relapsed. My academic life has been seriously damaged because of it.

My last attempt lasted 85 days, and the only reason I was able to make it that far was because I got rid of my smartphone and switched to a basic phone. On day 50, I thought I had finally beaten the addiction, so I got rid of the basic phone and went back to using a smartphone. Gradually, however, I started becoming attracted to pornography indirectly through things like anime, educational videos, and TV shows. On day 85, I gave in and relapsed.

I believe change is possible.

Here is my next plan:

· I’m going to live without a phone altogether. · I’m going to stay away from home and return to the routine that worked for me before: physically exhausting work + deep sleep, for a full 5 months. · After those 5 months, I’ll reduce my working hours to 5 hours a day, and only then will I start learning skills on a laptop.

One very important note, so nobody asks me this question: I am deliberately postponing learning during these first 5 months, and I’m not looking for advice telling me to “study while working” or “make use of your free time.”

The reason is that my mind is exhausted after years of addiction, and I believe my prefrontal cortex — which is responsible for focus and self-control — is worn out. If I put additional pressure on it by studying right now, I believe I’ll experience “willpower fatigue,” which could weaken my resistance and lead me back to relapse.

What I need at this stage is to release my physical energy, regulate my dopamine, and get deep sleep to recharge my brain. Learning will come later, once I’m psychologically more stable — not now, while I’m going through what I consider a detox phase.

I know this is a long post, but I wanted to make my perspective clear so that the discussion can focus on how to implement the plan rather than whether the plan itself is worthwhile.

Thank you.

I had an appointment this morning that I forgot to remind my boss of yesterday, albeit already having notified him of this a month ago - it seemed like the planning he had made for the day included me being there in the morning.

I texted him at 12PM, felt stressed and bad about going there, and at 7AM I got a message from him saying that he remembered so it was all good. Anxiety gone.

My boss often gets angry with me, directly or passively, for small mistakes I make so I'm always on my toes around him.

My behaviour with this isn't just with him, it's towards a bunch of people - except the ones that vibe with everything.

I'm afraid of upsetting someone, having them be annoyed or pissed with me, so I choose to please and keep the calm even if that means not doing the thing I want to do. I'm not a huge people pleaser however, only if I know they'll actively get upset with me.

I dislike how it impacts me and has my entire body feel stressed. I try to be bigger, but then I get scolded once or a nasty look and I feel like crap - needing to make things good or I don't feel nice.

Any advice on this? It's tiresome and doesn't feel good to be putting myself below people like this.

Many thanks in advance!

during my years in school, i feel like i lost myself. i lost my sense of identity because i was extremely insecure about everything, especially my appearance and the things i liked. i thought that in order for people to like me, i had to dress like them, like the same things they liked, and basically become more like them.

eventually, i lost interest in the things i genuinely enjoyed. after i graduated, i no longer had to seek validation from the people at school, and i found myself feeling lost. everyone went their own way, and the people who used to influence me and make me feel like i had to change myself to fit in were no longer part of my life.

now, even as an adult, i still struggle with this lack of motivation to discover new hobbies or reconnect with the things i used to love.

and maybe because of that, i struggle to tell whether i actually like something or not. i’m not really thinking about whether i, as an individual, liked something. i always include the people around me in that decision, almost as if i need someone else’s approval to know whether i enjoyed something or whether it’s worth liking.

how do i get back in touch with my own identity and learn to value my personal opinion again? how do i figure out what i genuinely like, without constantly needing other people’s opinions or approval to validate it?

i’d also really like to get to a point where i don’t feel ridiculous for allowing myself to enjoy things that i’m genuinely interested in, even when the people around me don’t share those interests. i want to be able to like something simply because i like it, without feeling embarrassed or needing someone else to understand or approve of it.

I feel so unattractive lately. I feel like no one is ever gonna chose me for who I am.

I feel like there's no reason someone would ever chose to settle with me.

Can you ask me some questions to get a better picture on where is this coming from?

Context:

I have hobbies that I really enjoy, and I have a loving a supporting family..

Im a good student, and I live in my own seprate place, that i personally can afford and pay for (no one helps me financially.. like at all)

I have friends whom im proud off!

i just finished highschool, and it’s almost the end of my last summer break. i spent the summer hanging out with friends and stuff like that but whenever im alone i just don’t do anything, and ive gotten into a slump that i can’t get out of. any time i spend at home is just being on my phone, scrolling or doing whatever. i don’t go outside unless it’s to friends or to work. it’s like when im alone life just doesn’t happen. and in my country it’s too hot in summer to be outside before sundown so from the moment i wake up until the moment i finally go out with friends in the evening, i don’t do anything besides scrolling, sleeping, maybe playing video games, eating, and finding other ways to pass time on my phone. i noticed i don’t know how to have fun with myself anymore. it’s like im dependent on other people to feel like im having fun. i have a few hobbies that i haven’t touched in months, and for some reason, starting to go back to them just feels like a chore. i want to learn to have fun with myself again, does anyone know how to start?

Hi everyone.

Long story short, I spent the majority of my young life isolated and depressed, carving a path to sobriety after losing someone deeply close to me to opiates. I also grew up in a emotionally abusive household. It took a long time, but I’ve managed to build some degree of community, friendship, and participation in the world into my life, and have so much to be grateful for.

However, I am often pulled back under the water by trauma response, family relationships which are still deeply toxic, and the overall dread that arises when I ingest any degree of information in regards to the direction the world seems to be heading.

Now I can analyze, rationalize, and sometimes compartmentalize, but the simple reality is that the emotional and psychological foundation upon which I am building my life often feels like a sandcastle on the shore. I often feel that I am compensating for lost years and pain, and end up over pursuing joy or peak experiences to prove to myself that I am worthy and life is worth living. When I return from these experiences, or when something goes wrong, I feel debilitated. I often feel guilt for pursuing these experiences in the first place, feeling weak, selfish, and helpless looking at the larger scope of the tides of civilization.

The fragility and reactivity of my psychological framework is unsustainable and keeps pulling me back into depressive, ruminative, and cruelly self critical states of mind which rule me till something happens that helps me pull myself out. The short periods where I feel vibrant, alive, confident, and dare I say like a pretty awesome person feel like an illusion, a mirage, while the depressed version of me is the real one.

What do?

I’m autistic and most my struggles are caused by that, but maybe some people here can relate and have some tips.

I’ve always been very negative, since childhood. Everything has always felt hard and I get annoyed extremely easily (I’ve always felt alottt of negative emotions)
This sucks, bc I WANT friends but am just super pessimistic. I try to be positive but get burnt out almost instantly, it feels like faking. So me being negative and quiet and also having kinda bad social skills/ being weird is just a disaster.
I ”hate” everything that takes effort, talking to people included, but am not happy rn and don’t know how to be? This has been the case since childhood so propably very hard to change.
Any tips??

I'm gonna make this as short as possible. So as most of you probably started using,I tried it one time when i was drunk. I didn't even notice any changes on myself so I asked for more. Fast forward few hours,I went to sleep at 7AM,and I drank more than ever before in my life. Then I only did it once a month. Then only sometimes during saturday drinking. Then every weekend. And now I use it at least 3 times a week. And I "have" to use it every time i drink more than 3 beers. If that was not bad enough,when I do these two things combined than I also gamble(a lot). I am in my early 20's which is why I think there is still time to quit. I have a good job(which is not affected by my "addiction" yet,I never use when I have work tomorrow),and I also have a great girlfriend and I'm sure she would not be happy if she found out about this. I am in good relationships with friends and family and I want it to stay that way. If anyone has any advice based on their own experiences,please share them with me.

I am 22 years old and have been gambling for the past 2 years. i struggle with other addictions as well, but never realized how bad gambling could be. the casinos were never a big issue for me, but it did open up online gambling. i would damn near go paycheck to paycheck on living cause of the online gambling issues i have. I ended up taking out loans cause i was getting so broke to pay my bills and just would end up screwing myself over pretty hard. I finally got with my parents and friends this past april, and decided i am going to quit gambling and focus on saving money and paying debt off. i was doing very well, and a couple weeks ago my buddy wanted to go to the casino and said he would give me money to gamble with so i don’t use my money. i ended up hitting a big jackpot which was awesome and felt good after. i’ve been having an itch ever since, and last night i decided to “just do” 50 bucks on an old website, that 50 bucks turned into damn near $2000. i am so embarrassed and ashamed and i know i need to quit, but i dont know what all i need to do. any advice from former gamblers or even people with addiction struggles as well. Thank you.

I’ve been trying to get my life together lately, but I’m having a hard time figuring out where to start.

There are a lot of things I want to work on like my career, money, habits, confidence, and just being more consistent with things. The problem is whenever I think about everything I need to fix, it gets overwhelming and I end up not knowing what to focus on first.

I know I’m not going to figure everything out overnight. I just don’t want to keep wasting time or feel like I’m going nowhere.

For anyone who’s been through something similar, what actually helped you?

What did you start doing differently? Or is there something you wish someone told you when you were at this point in your life?

Just looking for some genuine advice.

Hello, I’m looking for advice for my wellbeing and I hope some individuals with insight on this topic can help me out. Any thoughts are appreciated, seriously

Anti-anxiety medication gave me a feeling of comfort and confidence that helped lower my procrastination, start work and chores quickly, and feel more comfortable in between tasks. I’d like to have this sense of well being obtained and nurtured naturally. Has anyone here had success with this transition? Would love to hear about it. Thank you

Sidenote: This is not help for addiction, I’m in good health and not dependent on substances. Just curious to hear from those who may have made this transition and felt successful

everyone i know around me, like extended family, old classmates, etc. are doing amazing things with their lives, traveling the world, have everything figured out, having huge friend groups, partying, going to concerts, have their own apartments etc.

meanwhile im still here, completely stagnant, no driver’s license, still living with my parents, can’t get a job for the life of me, super introverted, socially awkward, i have no friends, and it feels like i have nothing great to show for myself

i know that social media isn’t real life and that it’s just someone’s highlight reels and that i’m still very young (19), but whenever i see or even hear of someone doing something extraordinary, it just feels like a punch in the face and that my whole day is ruined because of it, i just can’t seem to push this feeling away no matter how much i try to

This countries about freedom but we are all so divided , and we keep the division in place for absolutely, no reason

Lil baby said it best. It’s bigger than black and white, it’s a problem with the whole way of life. Both blacks and whites have done good and bad for each other, we just tend to look at the bad more than the good for some reason. Everytime another race event happens, wether black white Mexican Chinese etc etc. they divide us more. 

And we keep that division, we spread hate towards one another. And I feel like the government might have something to do with it as well (so does history). We’ll probably never know in this life time but, unity could and will save us. We should only be divided by gender, not race or sexual preference. And if we can’t unite through that, then let’s unite through peace to rid this world of evil and pain. It’s not too late to fix this before something like a race war happens in some small city, because if we don’t start now then this will start happening in small quantities, it already has.

Stytru

Edit: no shit I "just need to do it"

My mind has been wired this way over many years and I cannot figure it how to escape it.

If I were to leave, my parents would clean it my room, throwing away most of my shit and finding a bunch of old drug paraphernalia(which is extremely embarrassing)

I really tight this group was going to have better answers than "just do it"...

---

I live about a 30-45 minute walk to the nearest business up and down hills. I know that I could apply at those places, but I also know I'd be drenched in sweat or rain for the majority of the year(a medication I'm on makes me sweat a lot + I'm not very active)

I find myself sleeping 12-16 hours a day.. Just constantly tired.

I haven't had a real job in about 10 years, I wouldn't have shit for a resume if I wrote one.

I've always been a very messy person, but moving 30 years worth of belongings into a 10x10 room with a king size bed had made the issue so much worse. I know that I *should* throw most of it away, but it's so fucking hard to even get started.. Then not get distracted.

I don't have money for a car, nor a way to get enough money for a car...I have something expensive I can sell if I find the right buyer, but I would really prefer to keep it as a family heirloom if possible... But I know it's not likely.

I've been using medications (prescribed and not) to keep myself from having too bad of anxiety, and now I can't tell if my baseline anxiety is really this high or is it's because I've been treating it for so long

I'm just trippin hard cause I feel SO far behind in life. Nobody wants someone like me in their life, realistically. I'm fairly attractive, if I work out I could have a nice body... Everyone talks to me like I'm just stupid for being in this situation because I "could have any woman I want"

Idk

Where can I even start with something like this

I’m a 40-something combat veteran who served with the USMC, and I recently lost the love of my life in a very painful way. I found this book while trying to understand how a relationship with someone I loved ended with her feeling she needed a restraining order against me.

I went into that search confused because I had always thought of abuse primarily as physical violence. I rarely yell, usually avoid confrontation, and had never intentionally hit or physically attacked a woman. So I kept asking myself: How could I be someone she felt she needed protection from?

Then I read Lundy’s Bancroft’s. “Why Does He Do That?”

It change my life. I was floored by how many behaviors Bancroft described that I recognized in myself. Many were things I had never stopped to consider abusive. If I’m completely truthful, some I was aware of. Either way, intention doesn’t erase impact.
Control, manipulation, emotional pressure, intimidation, entitlement, anger, withdrawal, and repeatedly crossing boundaries can be abusive without anybody ever throwing a punch. I had failed to understand that.

BACKGROUND

My ex, who I’ll call Betty, was a divorced mother and survivor of sexual assault. We met online after both coming out of long marriages. I was not looking for anything serious. We met online and immediately clicked and decided to meet.

Immediately before the first time we were intimate, she stopped me and asked:

“What does no mean?”

At first I wasn’t sure whether she was joking. Then I saw the look in her eyes and answered, “No means stop.”

I remember asking friends afterward what they thought of the question, of course without mentioning names. Their reaction was basically that I should run because her past might eventually get projected onto me.

I didn’t run. I didn’t even entertain the thought. The more we hung out the more I quickly began to fall in love with her.

What followed were some of the happiest times of my life. Betty became my best friend. We laughed constantly. I told her things I had never told anyone. Date nights became weekends together, and eventually we decided I should move in.

She never knew this, but I had even started looking at rings. After less than a year together, despite believing I would never marry again, I was thinking about proposing on our second anniversary if things continued going well.

But then things began deteriorating.

I struggled to find steady work after moving. I felt increasingly inadequate and depressed. My PTSD symptoms also became worse: nightmares, isolation, irritability, and depression. Betty was supportive, but instead of dealing with those problems in healthy ways, I withdrew.
A couple of mornings she told me I had hit her while asleep during nightmares. That devastated me.

Then I relapsed.

Betty knew about my past drug use. I had experienced long periods of sobriety, but I had never completely dealt with the problem. Eventually I used drugs again, including in her home.

And I know what some of you were thinking so let me be clear. I’m not making excuses . Because there is no excuse for that violation of trust.

What I’m doing is trying to explain what was going on inside my head at the time. And I’m doing that in order to pinpoint mistakes I made in the hopes that I can change. Nothing more.

My isolation and avoidance became worse.
When Betty wanted to discuss things that hurt or upset her, I frequently told her I wasn’t ready to talk. At the time I genuinely believed I was preventing arguments by waiting until emotions cooled down.

Growing up, my reality was seeing my parents argue, walk away for a period only to come back and “appear” better. They never got divorced. My mother even told me that if I felt I might say something I would regret during an argument with a loved one, to take time to cool off. It’s all I knew.

What I understand now is that repeatedly deciding when—or whether—her concerns could be discussed meant I was controlling the conversation. My comfort was taking priority over something she was telling me was hurting her.

There were still many good times between these incidents, and I latched onto those good times instead of seriously looking at the pain I was causing.

Eventually an discussion over something minor escalated. But I knew she didn’t like when I isolated so we continue to go back-and-forth until I eventually stood up and yelled at her. Nothing more.

My thinking afterward was: I almost never yell. It happened once. I’ll apologize. She knows who I really am.

Bancroft helped me see what was wrong with that reasoning. I was judging my behavior by how unusual it was for me rather than by what it may have felt like to her. Someone who survived trauma like she did.

After yelling she told me to get out of her house.

Instead of immediately respecting that boundary, I decided I would sleep in my car and leave the next morning because I didn’t have money for a hotel and I couldn’t get in touch with my brother.

I actually thought that was reasonable.

It wasn’t.

She said leave. I treated her boundary like something I could modify because leaving later was more convenient for me. That was selfish and wrong.

I did leave the next morning left and gave her several days without contact. Then police notified me that she had obtained a temporary restraining order.

I couldn’t face the woman I love in court nor did I want to be anywhere I wasn’t welcome. So i told her parents I was leaving the area and drove 3,000+ miles across the country. I believed putting as much physical distance between us hopefully would give her the peace of mind she wanted.

After I reached the other side of the country I checked into rehab. It gave me a lot of time to think. But thinking didn’t help me answer questions like: Why had she become afraid enough to involve the legal system? Why did she delete every trace of us from social media? Why was she responding differently to me than she had to people from her past?

Basically, I kept searching for explanations for her behavior instead of seriously considering that my behavior might be the explanation.

I kept replaying something Betty did during our relationship that hurt me deeply. About six months in, I discovered she had remained emotionally involved with another man in a way that crossed boundaries in our relationship. I considered leaving and with anybody else I would have. But I did what felt right which was to hold her, and tell her as long as she’s committed to me, we could get through this. And we did.

I used to think “why didn’t I get the same thing from her?”

It was then thaf I found Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That”.

I understand now that my willingness to forgive her created absolutely no obligation for her to forgive me. I can believe I would have stayed and still accept that she had every right not to

Relationships aren’t a ledger. Her mistakes do not cancel mine, and comparing them can easily become another way of avoiding accountability.

It also led me to look at “What does no mean?” in a different light.

What I failed to understand was that “no” and boundaries extend far beyond sex.

If someone doesn’t want a conversation, contact, a relationship, or someone in her home, that boundary matters too.

It doesn’t become negotiable because I’m hurt.
It doesn’t become less valid because I believe my intentions are good. And I don’t have to agree with a boundary before respecting it.

Not understanding emotional abuse well enough isn’t an excuse. My PTSD isn’t an excuse. Her trauma isn’t an excuse. My relapse isn’t an excuse.

Finally I started separating intent from impact.

I never consciously thought, “I want to hurt her.”
But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t abusive. I was. Even if my intentions with her were one of finding happiness, that doesn’t overlook what I tried to do to get there.

I understand now that my actions led her to choose never seeing or hearing from me again in order to feel safe and at peace. I can’t change that.

And because I love and respect her I will honor her choice forever, whether a restraining order exists or not.

I will always cherish Betty and the good parts of our relationship. There were so many. She was my everything.

Of course I wish it was different. But all I can do is learn from my mistakes and grow to get to a point where I never abuse anyone again.

AFTERMATH

I continue to work on myself. I’ve completed rehab and remained clean. I’m getting professional help from two therapists (trauma and relationship) and a psychiatrist. I’m taking medication. I have steady income, and a permanent residence that I will move into soon. I’m also exercising 5 days a week and back to my normal weight. I started swimming competitively again, which is something I never thought I’d do. I’ve made some friends, which has led to the question of my availability.

Im not ready yet. I cannot imagine entering another relationship until I understand myself better. But Betty didn’t only just show me bad. Because she showed me I have the capacity to love in a way I didn’t know.

I intend to come out of this a better, more aware man. I’ll never be OK with what I did but that’s the first step in ensuring it doesn’t happen again.

Now here’s where you come in.

I’m not asking Reddit to tell me I’m a good person. I’m not asking anyone to tell me Betty was wrong. I’m not asking to hear that it “wasn’t really abuse” because it wasn’t physical. And I’m not posting this hoping she somehow sees it, recognizes that I’m changing, or contacts me.

What I am asking is guidance to help me get to a place where I:

Recognize entitlement before it becomes behavior.

Understand the difference between taking healthy space during an argument and using withdrawal to control someone.

Recognize when explaining my intentions becomes minimizing somebody else’s experience.

How to disagree without needing the other person to eventually see things my way.

And how to respect boundaries even when those boundaries hurt like hell.

So if you’ve changed these kinds of behaviors yourself, work professionally with people who have, or know resources that actually help, I genuinely want to hear them.

Books, abuse-intervention programs, therapy approaches, exercises, accountability practices—anything.

And if something I’ve written here still sounds entitled, manipulative, controlling, self-pitying, minimizing, or like I’m shifting responsibility onto her, please tell me. It will help me to learn and grow from this experience.

I may not enjoy hearing it, but I would rather recognize it now than risk repeating it later.

I originally went searching for an explanation for why the woman I loved thought she needed a restraining order against me.

Instead, I found something that forced me to look at myself.

It wasn’t the answer I was looking for.

But it was the answer I needed.

I know Bancroft is not optimistic about people changing abusive behavior. Im also aware this will be a process and won’t happen just because I want it to.

But I also know how deeply it has affected me. I don’t just want to change. I have to change. Im committed to a future where I can promise my partner that they’re safe with me and have it be 100% true.

I’ll take all the help I can get to get there.

Thank you

I'm currently seeing this guy, and he honestly treats me better than any guy I have ever been with. He is incredibly kind and considerate and such a gentleman. I am really enjoying our time together and would love to see this develop into something long-term.

But I have been getting weirdly sad after really good dates. Like, our first date was great, and I was struggling not to cry the entire day after. We had a lovely day together the other day where I felt idk, just so safe and cared about, and time just vanished. But then again, afterwards, I just felt so sad.​ And I don't understand why, because he's like straight out of a book - I haven't experienced a man like this before. I really like him. And I guess I am worried that I will ruin things because of this weird sadness.

I guess I'm asking if anyone else has experienced this before and what you did to help?

August 2025: Overweight, addictions, 7 years into college with no end in sight, living in an abusive home, chronic depression and anxiety

August 2026: Down 3 dress sizes, cut all addictions, graduated, moved out, healed relationship with family, still depressed but manageable :)

This is not a once size fits all nor am i writing everything i did simply because i am forgetful.

What worked for me:
- I started one simple habit: showing up to therapy consistently. I found a therapist I liked who had a cheap copay and I focused my life around that one small habit.
- I started with the smallest things I could do that left the biggest impressions. I painted a bathroom. I finally moved the box in the corner of my room. It took months of these small things for things to kick into gear.
- I have analysis paralysis and am an extreme over-thinker. Through therapy, I worked through my thinking process. It sounds horrible, but i started yelling at myself to “shut up” as i moved forward. i wanted to bed rot, to shut away, to give in. It felt like everything was possible and i had the motivation, i was just stuck behind the actual action of doing. (i can speak more to this if anyone wants)
- I learned through my favorite book that I needed to grow my tolerance for discomfort. I shifted my perceptive from “this sucks” to “this sucks on purpose”.
- I didn’t journal, but I would rant to chatgpt and then ask it to find patterns (not diagnosis) in my thinking. I went through honestly about 40 different thinking patterns as I tried shifting my perspective.
- I finally pursued the things worth waking up for. Sure it sucked having a nearly empty account, but I was excited to work to earn money for my new hobbies. and i loved getting to do them.

tldr; if you’re reading this you have motivation and you’re clearly looking for an answer. You have it and you know what to do: so do it.