r/DecidingToBeBetter

I’ve been dealing with this for a few years now and I don’t really know why. I barely remember much of my childhood, even though I have loving parents and a decent upbringing.

But whenever it comes to making major life decisions, I constantly seek validation from friends or people around me. Even after talking to my parents, I still overthink whether others approve of my choices.

Growing up, I spent a lot of time alone because both my parents were working. I also didn’t have many friends and used to be extremely shy. Ironically, now I’m the “life of the group” in my friend circle, but internally I still struggle a lot with overthinking and people-pleasing.

I’m turning 30 this year, and lately I’ve been thinking about this constantly. It makes me wonder why I care so much about disappointing people or being seen as selfish for choosing what I want.

Whenever I want to make a decision for myself, my brain instantly goes:
“What if they feel bad?”
“Am I being selfish?”
“Will this hurt someone?”

I genuinely just want to be happy and make decisions without constantly worrying about other people’s feelings or needing external validation.

Has anyone else dealt with something similar?

People talk a lot about social media wasting time, but some of the biggest distractions barely look like distractions at all. Waiting for the perfect moment to start, overthinking simple decisions, constantly planning instead of doing, carrying stress into every quiet moment, and postponing important things with “I’ll do it tomorrow” can slowly consume far more time than scrolling ever does.

Social media wastes attention quickly. These habits waste energy so slowly that most people don’t even notice it happening until months have passed.

So I'm currently in my last year of high school, which I know is young so I'm aware a lot of people might say that I'm just young and a bunch of other stuff but that's not what I want, I'm very much aware of my age.

I just feel really frustrated right now because I feel like there's something wrong with me and I want to know why and how I can fix it.

When I say I'm "full of myself" I don't mean that I'm a narcissist or anything, in fact my self esteem is almost non existent lol. But it feels like I'm always trying to attention seek or always being bothered that I'm not as good as other people. I've always been like this since I was younger.

To elaborate more, for example if one of my friends or even not achieve something I haven't or can't I feel extremely jealous, which I understand might be natural but it's getting really annoying because I don't want to feel that way. Especially if they achieve something that I thought that I was good at, like doing better at a hobby/class that I thought was my thing. But apparently not because I'm just average. And I understand that it doesn't really matter whether someone else is better then you but I just can't stop feeling like shit about it.

Or if one of my friends are getting meds or going to a psychiatrist because of their bad mental health, my stupid brain makes it into a competition. Not that I ever act on it but it's always there at the back of my head. Like "but my mental health is so bad too, so why is that no one helps me?" or ESPECIALLY if I hear about how they're being physically affected by their mental health, like panic attacks, nausea, fainting, other very clear signs. Like why can't my body do that as dumb as it sounds

and I've vented to my friends before, they're very understanding and supportive of me, they've always been there and they do care about me so I don't understand why my brain can't just accept that. And I also empathise with their struggles, I really, really do want them to feel better and I'm also so proud of their achievements as well. And like i said before this is nothing new for me, when I was younger I used throw tantrums when someone won at a game or something. Like I always need to be the best.

The problem is I just feel the way I do despite trying to not. And I'm very self aware of everything so it's a constant fight between the rational and irrational part of my brain. I always like to think logically so it's annoying when I feel things that have no logic.

Even now I feel like I'm playing victim and the fact I said that I feel like I'm playing victim makes me feel like I'm playing victim more. I don't want sympathy I'm just frustrated because I don't understand whats wrong

Anyway that's it, thanks for reading. This wasn't meant to be a vent tho i realise it sounds like it lol

I think I meet a lot of the criteria for being stupid.

* Rigid thinking - it seems like I can’t even convince myself of different approaches of perspectives. Whatever perspective other people offer me may not even resonate with me, so the effect is nothing.

* Poor thinking - can’t even think deeply. I think shallowly and am not interested in the world around me. No deep thoughts. I feel like this might make it harder to grow and solve my personal problems and improve myself as a person.

It doesn’t help that this is a turnoff according to posts I’ve seen on Reddit; people, or at least Redditors, don’t like dumb people as partners. I can imagine intelligent people in general wouldn’t.

* Low curiosity - again, barely any interest in the world. No interest in people, either. I’d have to practice curiosity instead of having it come to me.

* No creativity (or lost creativity) - maybe I had this over a year ago, but it seems to be gone. I don’t come up with cool ideas anymore, which is probably why I don’t write anymore.

* Feel like I struggle to learn - the lessons I learn seem to just leak out of my head later on. I think I also struggle to learn those lessons in the first place.

* Poor processing - things come to me slowly. Even your advice probably will come to me quite slowly, and even then, it may not even resonate. Still, I’ll take advice because why not?

* Probably not as self aware as I think - I thought that self awareness could’ve been my one strength, but that may not be true. I think my lack of self awareness appears in arguments where I act immaturely.

* Barely any desire to do anything about anything - this is probably not related to intelligence but it surely doesn’t help me at all. Hard work is not familiar to me, and I’d have to force myself into being better because I have no internal will to be better. I pretty much have no internal world and am not complex.

And writing well doesn’t negate any of this so please do not say “but you write well!” The Dunning-Kruger effect also doesn’t explain any of this. My only explanation is when I used marijuana 7 times from ages 17-19, and a couple of those times were extremely high doses, one with the extremely potent THC-O. Another was some gummy that I don’t know what was in it, but didn’t make me feel well.

You might say “nah you’re good dude,” but it seems like I haven’t been intellectually the same since this happened.

So I’m asking, what do you do when you may just actually be slow? I’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder but I am doubtful if I have it or if it’s bad enough to make me this slow.

Don’t sugar coat anything. What the fuck do I do when I’m likely duller than average? Does this not limit some of my dating options? Because I get the feeling people don’t wanna date a shallow-minded person. Just look up “dating stupid people” on Reddit and you’ll see (granted it’s only Reddit).

So what would you do?

i have extreme level jealousy and possesiveness to the point where if my partner mentions they've been with their friend i get so angry and hate it soooo much . i hate that she has other friends but i also hate feeling this toxic level of jealousy and possesiveness ...ofc she should have friends and stuffs but it bothers me so much when she mentions them/ be with them. how do i get rid of my jealousy?? i want to be a secure and healthy person

My girlfriend and I love to be playful and occasionally that goes into trading playful burns/razzing each other a bit. Obviously only surface level and we usually know where the line is. Additionally we will sometimes be talking about topics that we just don't see eye to eye and respectfully end up disagreeing.

In both seperate scenarios I keep running into a reoccurring issue that ends up making us both feel awful. Sometimes when talking about a heated topic that we don't agree on there comes a point where even though it isn't directed at me the "heatedness" of the conversation starts making me anxious or upset. The same happens sometimes when we are razzing each other where it starts to hit a little to close to home and it hurts.

In both scenarios sometimes it takes some time before I realize I'm pulling back or I'm getting upset. Bc my self awareness is awful. And by that point I'm either frozen or even a bit passive aggressive. Then I often end up going quiet or in my gf's perspective suddenly stop being playful with no explanation or even hostile. And it blind sides her and makes her feel bad.

I know I need to get better at realizing when it is starting to go too far and be able to cut off the conversation with communicating that I am being hurt. So that she can apologize and we can move on without me actually becoming hurt and her feeling whiplash without understanding why. But I don't know how to even begin. It's so hard to know when it's getting to be too much until it is.

Specifically I want to know how to identify when something has crossed a boundary into hurt. And coping skills to better regulate in the moment to be able to communicate it.

Any tips on developing this skill would be appreciated. Coming from a home where we never communicated feelings and were punished for it, is a work in progress to unlean.

Also if anyone has a more specific subreddit you think this would be better posted in please let me know.

lol thank you so much to the people who downvoted this post. Glad to know you think I'm undeserving of counselling, or whatever other reason you downvoted me for. Thanks for kicking me when I'm already down

I hate the idea of conselling and telling all this stuff to a counsellor (rather than someone i know and trust - which I don't have someone like that). But I feel like I need this otherwise my life won't ever get better.

Please convince me not to cancel

It's so embarrassing, in the booking notes I added stuff I struggle with like self harm thoughts, depression, etc other stuff..... It's just so embarrassing.

Idk if I shouldve written all that stuff in the notes or not. But I did

And I'm worried they will either say oh you don't have it bad other people have it worse you don't need counselling, you're too old you should have you're life together and be happy (I'm late 20s), etc.

I'm worried also that I'll cancell the appointment the day before or if I do go to the appointment, I'll end up downplaying the stuff or pretending I'm fine.

But also sometimes I am less sad and a bit better and I put a mask up so idk

I'm just so scared for it idk....

I’ve been trying to work on emotional maturity after years of dealing with depression, trust issues, abandonment problems, and constantly feeling like people eventually leave or disappoint me. I’ve already been to therapy, and it helped me understand *why* I feel this way, but I still feel stuck trying to actually move forward in real life and relationships.
What I’m curious about is the unconventional or unexpected things people did that genuinely helped them grow emotionally. Not just the standard “go to therapy” advice — I mean the weird, random, difficult, or life-changing things that made something finally click for you. Thanks

How could I build up that 'sense'?

my first language isnt english, so i dont know if sense is a fitting word.

Hi :)

I’m crying as I'm writing this, so I'll apologise in advance if it comes off as scattered and messy. I'll try my best to explain myself.

I'm really tired of being me. Sometimes all I wanted was someone to hold my hand and walk with me.
I've accepted I'm hard to both like and love, and I don’t blame anyone anymore. I’m old enough to know how to handle it myself.

I struggle with seeing myself as someone worthy of being treated with tenderness. It feels so foreign. Sometimes I have to turn movies off because someone is being taken care of in ways I never was and it breaks my heart.

I hear people's stories about their first heartbreak in silence because I was never pursued by anyone. Life broke my heart before love ever could.

I know being loved is a human need/desire. I'm trying to find a way to trick my brain. If I learn how to self-love well enough, I can stop feeling like this.

Some days it’s harder than others. Sometimes I just randomly remember that I'm no one’s favourite person. It’s a weird thing to feel… like you’re invisible even though you’re right there.

Any tips?

a month and 8 days ago to be exact i disembark from my cruise job , i didn’t quit officially i just don’t want to come back to that life. i feel that i cannot have a long term relationship, or any emotional stability. i just decided it was a time for a change i was feeling like in a loop where i can just runaway from my reality in my country but when i go back in my vacation is still same, nothin has been changed.
now i’m stuck at home, living with my grandma and i have no idea where i am going and i feel completely lost . i am 29 F, i traveled a lot and i feel grateful for that but sometimes i just compare with others cause i don’t have a house, i don’t have a car, i don’t have any important job or position to be proud.
anyway, in the middle of this i feel happy cause i was just tired to keep moving here and there just by my own.
i applied to a master in a international university but the anxiety of don’t know anything is killing me, sometimes i feel i’m not doing anything… just wanted to share with you guys.
thank you if you take the time to read me

I like to be alone. It was working, hobbies, sleep, and the pattern continues, and I was happy with this structure. Recently, I went on a blind date for the first time in a long time. There was nothing common between us, but it made me realize that my life is emotionally repetitive. Without something to look forward to, without someone to talk to, without any life to feel good, I miss everything. I'm now waiting to understand how to make a richer and fuller life rather than living on a day-to-day basis.

What was helpful for you to leave that cycle? (If you have experienced this before)

I’ve been trying to improve my focus and found about Pomodoro Technique. But I found that it’s rigid time of 25 minutes focus and 5 minute break isn’t helpful at all. I used to be able to focus for only 5 minutes before then I’d be sleepy. Now I can focus for 40 minutes or more. 

Pomodoro Technique should really start from as low as 1 minute then scale more and more as your focus increases.

What do you think? Also, are there other "focus" tips out there?

I have recently realised I have a somewhat childish view on things I like/appreciate. I recently discovered that the game Bloodborne, a game I really liked is in large part about womanhood/motherhood and despite my previous enjoyment of the game this has put an odd disconnect between me and the Game. Making me like the game less because its not something i can really relate to so despite me liking so many other things about it, I feel like im not the target audience and therefore its not 'for me'. Looking back i realised that this has happened in the past to an extent too and it does Limit the media I consume to things with themes ant characters that i can identify with and relate to and therefore limit my exposure to other experiences. Im autistic and introverted as hell so im already not exactly often exposed to other people's viewpoints. So what im asking is how do you change your perspective to enjoy something different without feeling like you arent the intended audience for something? Or that you cant really like it because its for some other audience?

I know one step is just to see more stuff that discusses things like this. Conveniently I already own Silksong. Another game that has a lot to say about motherhood and things of the sort albeit my avoidance of things that I dont relate to has led me to putting off playing it as Im worried I wont give it a fair shot if I go in with the wrong mindset.

i (24f) feel stuck on this guy (30m) who i never dated, but could have dated. we had a somewhat odd friendship that developed while he was in his last relationship. i had feelings for him before we became friends and i learned he had a girlfriend. he would flirt with me often and make comments that a guy probably shouldn’t make while in a relationship. i stopped talking to him after a while as i realized how bad the situation was and i felt immense guilt for being so naive. him and his girlfriend broke up a few months after and he asked me out, to which i said no as i wouldn’t want a relationship where i’m constantly worried about him talking to other women. objectively, he isn’t right for me.

the thing is, i still think about him. i’ve never been in a relationship or been wanted by a guy, and he unfortunately has been the only person to make me feel somewhat desirable. i find myself thinking about how i gave up the opportunity to be in a relationship finally and be wanted. i know it wouldn’t be a lasting relationship and that i’d never be able to trust him, so why am i still obsessed with him? i really want to move on but i’m stuck. how do i just move on?

I 25f have never celebrated mtalef before. When I was a kid I never had birthdays and my parents never made a big deal about me graduating or anything which is fine I never typically wanted to do those things but I have notcied that people celebrate themselves a lot. I want to have kids one day and I want them to know that it’s okay to celebrate what you have accomplished and how far they have gotten. But if I don’t celebrate myself my kid will think not celebrating themselves is bormal. How cns I celebrate myself without feeling uncomfortable or that I don’t deserve it the entire time. Thank you!

I dont belive in the norm of men should cry. In this patriarchal society men have been always taught that crying is a sign of weakness and thats why men cannot cry.

But honestly when i am having emotional turmoil , i find self crying.

And its the greatest feeling of letting go.

All the weight gets lifted. And ready to take on a new day

F37

Severe healt anxiety

Depression

Bulimic

Horrendous lifestyle habits (heavy drinker)

Economically broken (have a job but I have so many debts)

Single (I would love to have a partner but not children)

I don't know how to be better. My life is a mess.

I think I should be born again

Any advice? How to start from scratch?

Im 18, yes i do understand its not too late but feel like i haven't progressed as an person for years now, sure there might be some minor changes but i feel like im the same kid back in covid times, taking all the easy routes and being a lazy bum everyday — addicted to games, my phone and porn. I try to be better but i eventually always fall into the same pitfalls, which just becomes worse and worse every time i do more progress of getting better.

Ive also completely flunked my college, i gotten into a good college and i hated my course — just completely skipped classes my parents were paying for. While being oblivious to being able to drop out. So i wasted my time, my parents money, the good college and the only thing they were proud of me.

I feel like i have good friends and family. They are for the most part understanding and supportive, perhaps my parents have been too loose on me because i was never to the type to cause trouble.

How do i get rid Bad habits?
How do i just focus and be productive?
Committing is something i struggle with, even with hobbies i love and enjoy.

Thank you for reading

I get really depressed when I see people doing better than me, it just ruins my mood and i don't know I get really sad. It genuinely ruins my mood and I want to engage in self destructive behaviours.

how to stop this ?