r/DecidingToBeBetter

I’m a mostly recovered agoraphobe, like serious left the house a handle of times a year agoraphobe. One of my last really big hurdles besides getting a job (I’ve been applying but no luck so far) is getting my license and once I do I want to really emphasize going out by myself more. I’m making a list of things I can do, I have the basics (coffee shop, thrifting, park etc) what are some things I’m missing

Can require various anxiety levels (ex. Going to get a coffee 1/5, eating dinner in busy restaurant by myself 5/5) trying to build up a tolerance for discomfort lol

Lately, I've found myself stuck in a cycle of constantly waiting—waiting for something to happen, waiting for someone to make a move, or just waiting for time to pass. I’m wasting my days feeling this heavy need for attention and validation. It feels almost like an addiction, and I've completely stopped taking care of myself. I really need to break out of this state.

I have one big request: Please don't give me the usual cliché, pseudo-scientific advice. I don't want to hear the standard "just hit the gym, do a dopamine detox, or get a hobby" speech. We all know the theory, and I'm exhausted by empty self-help platitudes.

I want to read real experiences. Things that actually worked for you. I am looking for advice that touches the soul, shifts my perspective, and genuinely applies to daily life.

I’d love to hear your personal stories on:

• How did you genuinely start having a good time by yourself and enjoying your hobbies without feeling a void?
• How do you protect yourself from the crushing depression of loneliness?
• How did you stop spending your days desperately needing attention and stop waiting for others to validate your existence?

I really want to read the perspectives of people who have actually internalized how to be self-sufficient in practice, not just in theory.

Thank you so much in advance to anyone willing to share their genuine experiences.

To clarify, I am not physically isolated. I have friends and a girlfriend. My issue is that I am completely dependent on their attention. I let their attention (or lack thereof) dictate my mood way too much. I spend my days feeling this heavy need for validation, and it feels almost like an addiction. I want to stop expecting so much from them. I want to learn how to be genuinely happy with myself, and most importantly, I want to do things for me, rather than doing them for the external gaze or to be perceived by others. I need to break out of this state.

I think I've hit rock bottom at 21, but again, there were so many times that I thought that this is the lowest I will ever go, only to be proven wrong every time.

I am bordering on obesity after being skinny for most of my teenage years, and I am gaining weight so fast that clothes I bought 3 to 4 months ago don't even fit anymore. I spend most of my days on social media and video games, but lately it was just social media, I am afraid to talk to girls, and to a lesser extent people in general, I managed to overcome my fear of talking to strangers though, but still there is an uneasiness or discomfort. I managed to ruin my CGPA even with great first two semesters, I just found out it's basically impossible to graduate with a CGPA above 3.0 no matter how well I do in my remaining semesters.

I feel like I peaked in high school, I wasn't always like this, back then, I was a straight A student, had so many friends, was passionate about stuff, and I felt genuinely happy and hopeful about the future. I feel like I ruined everything great about me, I was good looking and I ruined that by gaining a ton of weight and not taking care of myself, my parents paid for my college tuition and I ruined that by tanking my CGPA. They say that you should count your blessings, I know that I have so many things to be grateful for and that so many people would like to be in my place but that just makes it worse for me considering I ruined everything by my own hands. I keep thinking about all the great and cool stuff someone else would achieve if they were in my place, it doesn't help that is exactly what multiple people actually said to me.

I keep feeling like there was this big memo that I didn't get about adulting. Like how does anybody else do what they do? Was anybody else this far gone, and if so, how did you come back? I don't expect that a reddit comment would fix my life but I am really desperate here and this is just me trying to not give up. I know there will be some responses telling me not to compare myself to other people, and it's fine, I want to learn that too, also I want to learn how to be content with who I am, whoever that turns out to be, also I want you to know that I want to improve my life for my sake not anybody else's or what anybody else thinks, I truly believe that this is a dark path I am heading, and that it's important for something to change, I want to be a more responsible, caring, healthier and happier person, I basically want to be better.

Since I was about 8 I’ve had existential crisis, constantly and the only way to deal with it was to not deal with it, to ignore it. I’ve never fully fit in I have friends but I never truly adapted to regularities like your race truly who I am and when I saw others do it I cringed it felt weird to me because when I think of it truly it feels like it matters so little I see Mexican people listening to Spanish songs and wearing sombreros and I can’t help but look away. It feels so weird that people care about who or what they are besides curiosity it matters so little and people genuinely care about their colors/melatonin and where their ancestors lived. Not only race and culture that confuses me but something that hurts me is the random remembrance of the fact that after death absolutely anything could happen and you can’t just say something like “it’s after death you can’t do anything about it just live your life” but how do I know that I can’t do anything about it what if a religion is right and I’m making the wrong choice what if I get tortured for all of eternity and that that matters the most no matter what happens on earth that is the ultimate trump to anything on earth is the fact you could be tortured for eternity even if it isn’t part of a religion, I don’t even have the same emotions as people too sometimes I act like I do but it’s so easy to just not laugh and I rarely do really laugh.

I work retail at a gas station. It’s definitely not the greatest job out there. If anything, it’s usually looked down upon.

But I’m fine with it. I definitely wish I could earn more money, but I’m pretty satisfied with the job. I enjoy scanning things and managing stock and all the stuff I do. My feet hurt at the end of the day because of standing long hours but I’m okay with it too. And I do look forward to coming in to work sometimes.

I don’t really have a desire to find an office job or something else that’s just “better.” Maybe it’s because finding jobs is so difficult, especially in my area. You can’t really get in anywhere without having any connections or knowing someone.

I’m not entirely sure if I’m only saying “I’m okay with it” because I can’t find anything else. Is that pathetic?

I mean, if I got an opportunity, I’d definitely take it. But obviously, I won’t get one if I’m not looking. Then again, I don’t have the desire to.

But sometimes, I do feel self-conscious or jealous about other people. Especially customers coming in dressed in office clothes or uniforms. Sometimes I belittle myself, and I wonder if people who come in think lowly of me as well 🥲

I’ve become so hateful, cynical, gatekeeping, and just a grumpy person in general. It’s been really eating away my happiness and all I want is to spread love and kindness and be better for myself. If anyone could give me some advice on this I would rlly appreciate it a lot. Thanks for reading!

Ever since a nasty breakup, I don't trust people and can't stand many of them. The last few years, I've both inadvertently and intentionally steadily decreased the people in my life to the point where 90% of human interaction is with coworkers at work.

I've had an opportunity or two to date. I could join a club and make some friends. But, I have both a fear and disgust for people at this point.

Issue is, the solitude is starting to get to me. Sleep isn't right, I'm getting ill more often, and I generally am a bit shakey mentally. Many of my habits and good diet and even goals have started to fall apart the last month, and I haven't been sure why. I now think it's a low-grade depression.

I've tried therapists many many many times throughout my life. They've cost me a small fortune and have been nothing but torture. The times I've introduced people into my life, they've proved me right and hurt me emotionally, shown they were bad people, or just drifted away.

Is there a way out of this slump without waterboarding myself with human interaction?

I've realized that all the problems in my life stem from the fact that I hate myself in some way.

If I hate myself, I hate myself for always relapsing into pornography, I hate myself for obsessing over sex, I hate myself for lying, I hate myself for blindly falling in love with someone who didn't deserve me.

And I hate myself for still loving her, I hate my sex addiction, I hate my lack of discipline, I hate being a coward, I hate not being able to get up on time, I hate not being able to form strong bonds.

I hate not having a better relationship with my parents, I hate myself, I hate myself for being a freak among freaks, I'm a worm of society, confined to its pathetic world of fantasies

I am a self-destructive jester, I hate myself, I hate myself too much

I'm a terrible person, someone so irresponsible that I was out until 5 am instead of sleeping like a normal person.

I'm an embarrassment to my parents, and to myself, and if my ex saw me in this state, he'd only feel sorry for me while he lives happily with another guy

I deserve to suffer, I deserve the pain I feel, I deserve to be excluded, all of this is my fault, everything that happens is my fault for being so ungrateful to life

I hate my face—my fat, pimply face—my messy hair, and my out-of-shape body. I can't look at myself in the mirror; I’ve avoided looking in the mirror for years. I hate my reflection, I hate who I am, and I feel like the world would be better off without me.

I can't stop hating myself, and deep down I feel I need to change in order to be loved, because this way I'll never achieve anything.

I'm a 32 yo. I still don't know what to do in life. I'm so lost. I used to do so well in school and I'm not able to fathom how worse I've become with age. I'm scared of studying and failing. I did engineering cause I couldn't clear the exam to get into medical during my entrance exams. I was still scoring well during my 11-12th but I saw others were doing better and I started losing hope. Not that I wanted to become a doctor. I wanted to be a scientist or a mathematician back then.I'm from india. I don't have any confidence. I feel like I'm too old to do anything now. I don't know where and how to start and where to go from here. I have no dreams. No goals. Please help.

It's a huge drawback for me. I am a very poor learner and struggle to understand and absorb the information I read or see.

When I watch some informative video, I fail to keep up with what is being told. I cannot even understand properly after watching full video. Same in attending lectures. Whatever teacher says in classroom, I cannot even store and settle the lecture in my mind.

This is the reason why I am so behind. I cannot even learn new things. There are many informative videos in youtube regarding skills which I want to learn but my poor brain doesn't allows me. Everything just bounces from my head.

I am in mid 20s.

It's very embarrassing to admit but... I think I might have a shopping addiction. I'm a woman in my late twenties. My job is very ordinary - I'm an office help that sorts documents, prints and copy them, etc. As you can guess, it's a rather low-paying job. But it's enough to scrape by. However, around a year ago, I've started taking loans. Just to impulse buy some trivial, unnecessary things. At first I thought it was a one-time thing, however... Since then, I've changed my phone five times. I bought clothes, bags, and cosmetics I don't even use. As a result, in a span of a year, I've accumulated around 40 thousands of debt in loans.

I think I know WHY I do it. I've always been unsatisfied with my body and myself. I'm extremely short and my dream was always to be tall. I couldn't even get my dream job (flight attendant) because of my height. Once I realized I won't grow anymore, I've started to look for ways to make me feel better. I've had an ED. I've never been a social person, but I've stopped interacting with people other than my parents and sister and colleagues entirely - just so they won't have a chance to perceive me as a short person. I've played games that allowed me to become someone else for a moment. But at some point all of it stopped working. And then I started impulse buying.

When I feel the urge to buy, I usually think something like this - "I can't be tall. My life is boring. But at least I can have the newest and most expensive smartphone! That bag! Those trousers! I have nothing else out of this life anyway." Then I buy it and... finally feel happy. Only for a moment though. Then I feel guilty. And I'm disappointed with how most clothes look on my short body. So, after trying them on, I usually don't even wear them again. Same with makeup products. It's all wasted on me.

I've been worrying about it a lot lately. What if I have some sudden expenses? Or even a dentist appointment... Or if something happens to me and my parents and sister are left with my debt. That would be horrible. So I'd really appreciate any advice from you.

I'm 25, and I've noticed a pattern that keeps repeating in my life. Whenever I feel like someone chooses someone else over me or loses interest in me, I don't just feel rejected—I start feeling completely worthless.

My mind immediately goes to, "There must be something fundamentally wrong with me." I compare myself to everyone and end up hating myself. It's gotten to the point where I cry over it because it feels like I'll never be enough for anyone.

I'm in therapy and plan to discuss this, but I wanted to ask: Has anyone else experienced this? If so, what actually helped you break this cycle?

Even though work doesn’t start until Monday, I sometimes start feeling uncomfortable on Sunday.

It’s not full panic or anything dramatic. It’s more like a low-level restlessness. I know the weekend is almost over, and my brain starts thinking about going back to work before I’m actually there.

The strange part is that Sunday is still technically free time, but it doesn’t always feel free. Part of the day gets taken over by the feeling that Monday is coming.

For people who deal with this, what helps?

Do you plan the week ahead on Sunday, keep Sunday completely work-free, prepare small things in advance, or just accept the feeling and let it pass?

My birthday is next week, and I took the day off work. My plan was to buy some little birthday hats and a cupcake from Walmart and celebrate by myself. It feels... kind of somber.
My partner is supposed to take me out this Saturday. In all the time we've been together, he's never taken me out for my birthday. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but at the same time I can't help having expectations. I'm also preparing myself for the possibility that nothing really happens.

One of my friends offered to take me out on Sunday, which is incredibly sweet, but she's currently living in a shelter. I feel guilty letting her spend money on me, even though I know it's coming from a place of love. I actually bought her a Pandora bracelet as a thank-you gift that I'm planning to give her that day.

Toward the end of next week, another friend is coming over with some food so we can hang out at my place.

I guess I'm just not sure how to feel. Part of me feels grateful that people want to spend time with me. Another part of me feels sad that I'm lowering my expectations because I'm so used to being disappointed. Has anyone else felt this way around their birthday? Is there anything else I can do for myself?

I hope this is an appropriate post for this sub. I’d really appreciate advice from anyone who has experienced losing someone like a family member or a friend they deeply care for, when that person has decided they no longer want contact with you.

I am finding it really difficult to cope with and I think things are a little stagnant at the moment which has caused me to dwell on it more than I probably should. I just feel exhausted from missing them, knowing the door is closed and there’s no where for me to express that.

I often have dreams about them contacting me to offer me comfort but I know that doesn’t reflect reality. I keep wondering where I went wrong and why I wasn’t worth keeping around. It’s a kind of grief that has been hard to carry.

For context I am 22(F). I’ve dropped out of college because of personal issues and lack of funds. I don’t have a job currently because I recently moved states but I have been searching non stop. Long story short, I’m kind of a bum right now and have nothing going for myself.

Because of this, I’ve been extremely depressed and I spend my days struggling to get out of bed and also struggling to sleep early. When I do wake up (which is mid afternoon) I spend most of my day scrolling aimlessly on my phone or playing video games. I have absolutely no motivation for anything and I just genuinely cannot feel anything. I’m constantly binge eating because I’m bored at home and alone most of the time. I have no friends and I have no energy to get out of the house. I see everyone having fun around me and there’s so much to do if I can just get myself out of the house. I genuinely cannot get out of this rut.

I have NEVER been the type of person to be this lazy and unmotivated. I cry every day because I really don’t know what I became and I don’t know how to fix it. I know this is so embarrassing and I might get criticized but anyone please help me? I want to get out of this hole but idk how.

I’ve been trying to be more productive with my health during my mid-year university break (gym 3/4 times a week, walk my dog 40mins 4 times a week, reading ever day, making nutritious food at home instead of working out, 9k average daily steps) but I feel like I’m crumbling for my own expectations. Even though each goal is objectively a good one which should be beneficial to me in the long run and on the day to day.

On gym recovery days (which I objectively know I need! And are a requirement!) I have such guilt for not going, it’s really debilitating. If work happens to get in the way of any of these goals, I feel like a failure, even though I couldn’t help it, I feel like I always should have done more. I feel like I’m not seeing friends enough because I’m so stressed, even though these goals and rules are entirely self inflicted and imagined… like nothing bad will happen if I don’t get it done one week or another

any advice for remaining productive and consistent but also allowing yourself rest? I’m really struggling to find a middle ground

So they say try 1 thing for 21 days it will become ypur habit but it's not working my case , I am trying to be confident for past whole year but I am still v....... underconfident it's not becoming the part of myself or I don't feel like I am this . I always feel like I wear a mask in a day and at night when I come home take off mask I am that insecure, sad , low self esteem girl .

I can't seem to adapt anything even years later .other then confidence too . I wonder why .

I'm putting everything I have into what I'm doing right now, but there's this constant fear in the back of my mind...

What if I finally achieve it... and still don't feel satisfied?

The scary part is that this isn't just an irrational fear. It's happened to me before. I spent months believing that once I got that one thing, my life would finally be on track. I imagined I'd be happy, fulfilled, and everything would fall into place.

Then I got it.

And within a few days, I realized it wasn't what I actually wanted. I ended up walking away from it.

Now I'm scared that I'm repeating the same cycle. I'm working hard, making sacrifices, and telling myself, "This will be worth it." But a part of me wonders if I'm just chasing another illusion.

How do you know whether you're pursuing something that's genuinely meaningful to you, or just an idealized version of it in your head?

I think I finally figured out why self-improvement has been making me feel worse.

About a year ago, I came across a content creator who seemed to have everything I wanted.

He was in great shape, confident, attractive, making money doing what he loved, and people constantly praised him. At the time, I was working a 9–5, commuting a lot, had no relationship, barely any friends, and honestly felt like I had no identity or direction.

Seeing someone like that made me think, \*"Why doesn't my life look like that?"\*

So I went all in on self-improvement.

I started training again, eating more protein, drinking more water, taking better care of my skin and hair, and posting content consistently. Some of it actually worked. I got back into shape, became more athletic, and even started getting some traction online.

Then life hit.

I lost my job, moved back home, became depressed, and felt like I had lost all the progress I'd made. During that time, I started consuming more and more self-improvement content. At first it motivated me, but eventually it became something else.

I wasn't watching to learn anymore.

I was watching to compare.

I'd analyze everything—physique, confidence, routines, personality, success—and slowly I started trying to copy it. If they trained a certain way, I wanted to train that way. If they posted a certain type of content, I wanted to do the same. I kept thinking that if I just worked hard enough, maybe I'd finally become someone people looked at the same way.

The problem is that no matter how much progress I made, it never felt like enough.

I still felt like I wasn't attractive enough, successful enough, confident enough... just \*\*not enough\*\*.

Today it hit me that maybe I've been chasing someone else's identity instead of building my own.

I still want to improve. I still want to look good, be confident, make money outside of a regular job, and build a life I'm proud of.

But I don't know where the line is between healthy inspiration and quietly becoming obsessed with someone else's life.

Has anyone else gone through this? If so, how did you stop comparing yourself and start building confidence in your own path? How can you look good and people see it?