I feel so weird and everything is so surreal. I never thought that he was capable of doing something like that. Me and my friend were the only friend of his and the last people to spoke to him, we now realized that he did it after we talked. I can't believe it, why? I wished I could change something and I have no idea how to feel.
Today, 4 years ago on the 4th, my husband Rob died from glioblastoma.
We’d gotten him home from the hospital earlier that day. He was unconscious, and his last words were two days prior. I said I loved him, and he grunted back “I love you”. He was 38. Our daughter had just turned 3. He’d had a few sips of a McDonalds shake that his friend brought a few days earlier. That was his last food.
He was a law clerk and an attorney and so so intelligent! He also loved gaming and watching WWE. He loved animals. He loved our daughter so much and was an amazing father.
He died about 7:20 pm in our bedroom. I was with him, along with his best friend and his parents. I helped the hospice nurse clean him up before the funeral home car arrived. He looked so small and unlike himself in life. So helpless. Everything that made sense in life, was lying there gone forever in our bed. My person. Our daughter’s person. He was only 38.
I don’t remember hearing fireworks, but they go off by our house yearly at a ballpark nearby. I know I’ll see fireworks today. I’ve moved forward, so of course I have plans with my daughter. She doesn’t know her dad died on July 4th.
Goddamn it.
Two months ago a mother figure of mine died. I really only knew her for 3 years, which was tragically cut short because of cancer.
However since she passed, I noticed people around her “ignore” that it happened, or focus on things like work to avoid thinking about it. Yet I, for some reason, feel like I keep intentionally hurting myself by looking at her pictures or texts she wrote me. It feels like I was stabbed by her loss and now I’m twisting the knife by searching for her in my life.
Does anyone else experience this? How did that end up?
I can’t tell if this is an okay way to grieve.
It has been over 7 years since I watched my mom die in front of my own eyes early in the morning on my 22nd birthday.
She was only 48 and passed from brain cancer, which she had been battling for 2 1/2 years at that point. I had watched the horrors she went through, the extreme physical and mental changes that morphed my mom into somebody I couldn't recognize, eventually she became bedridden and unresponsive (a few months before the end). Then, I watched her die on my birthday.
7 years later, I'm successful, have a loving partner, many hobbies, many dear friends, a good life. But it's like the grief has become worse, I get these random flashbacks or desperately painful questions bouncing around in my mind without even being triggered by anything specific. I think: what were her last words to me? When was the last time she really saw me, recognized me? Did she realize we were with her as she was passing? Was I a horrible daughter due to my teenage angst and depression? Would we have been friends in adulthood? Could she feel the pressure of my hand on hers as she lay dying, and had she tried her best to hold on just to see one last birthday of her daughter's? The flashbacks, all the unanswered questions; they make me feel physically sick and so alienated from my partner and friends, though I try my best not to show it.
So I guess what I'm asking is for a little community to feel less alone. Did you watch your loved one die slowly? How has this affected you? I feel like a secretive freak sometimes, holding this all in from the people I love, but god, it's such a morbid topic that it's hard to talk about with someone who has no idea what it feels like.
For context, I’m a 21-year-old married woman. My mom died a month ago from a terrible accident. It was completely unexpected. But as expected, it is hitting my family and I incredibly hard.
I’ve been doing some things I typically enjoy, such as reading, scrapbooking, intimacy with my husband, and all these things feel so very empty. Nothing seems fulfilling right now. There are rare moments where I enjoy myself, specifically while spending time with my husband in any capacity, but it’s immediately followed by so much guilt. Like we haven’t even buried her or had her celebration of life but I’m enjoying myself? I don’t know, it feels wrong.
I understand I’m in the very beginning of this grief process since she just passed. But for those who have had a loved one pass, how long did it take for you personally to feel like you could enjoy things? Any nuggets of advice for me?
I sometimes wonder, was he thinking of me, too? I know it sounds selfish, but grief makes me that way. Im angry. I wonder if along with his mother and his son, did he say anything about me. Did he think of me. How it would affect everyone. No one will ever know.
And now we are left living with the peices.
I wish he thought it out before he took the matter in his own hands.
I wish that he would have called me that night.. and I would have called the police right away.
Any of you who lost someone to suicide, can you relate?
You go days, weeks, months, YEARS... wondering. But you have to keep living the unknown.
It is the cruelest. For our loved ones to be here and then suddenly not - with no way to talk to them. Just awful.
I think about how I hid my fear and emotions around everyone including my dad while I held his hand in the hospital. When he would get words out and talk to me about being scared or uncomfortable, I would offer the few words of understanding and reassurance I could. But I felt uncomfortable with the feeling of, as his child, the weight on my shoulders of trying to make my dad feel better. So I didn't say a lot and offered shorter phrases. I am struggling to explain fully what I mean.
Today I just got hit with this horrible feeling that maybe he thought I didn't take it seriously or care and left this earth feeling that way.
I’m 20 years old, and I lost my dad a month and a half ago. He was the head of our family, and I’m still grieving.
I don’t feel like I’ve moved on from his death. I don’t think I ever will in the way people expect. But I understand that life keeps moving, that there are responsibilities, and that I have to keep going. I finished my internship, and now I’m looking for a job because I feel like I need to rebuild myself, step by step.
But at the same time, there is a part of me that just wants a place where I can be alone, cry, and scream. Especially scream. I feel like there is a scream inside me that I never let out.
I used to cry every night after he died. It’s been three days since I haven’t cried, and that feels strange because crying became part of my everyday life after losing him.
What hurts is when people tell me things like “stop crying” or “don’t make it worse.” I don’t understand that. I also see people judging me for talking about my dad, writing about him, or sharing memories. They act like I should stop mentioning him. But I don’t want him to disappear. I want him to be remembered.
I still don’t fully believe he’s gone. I still look at the place where he used to wait for me. I remember the calls when I was late, the messages, the support, all those small things that I never thought I would miss this much.
I miss being able to show him my achievements. I miss seeing him proud of me. I miss having him there.
Sometimes my mind knows he is dead, but my heart cannot accept it. The thought comes suddenly: “He’s really gone.” Then I start crying again. I remember everything from the beginning — the shock, trying to understand what happened, trying to accept it.
My dad wasn’t sick. In just one week, he went into a coma and couldn’t make it. I still remember seeing him after he passed away. It was the first time I saw someone dead. I remember his face, holding him, kissing his forehead. I was scared, but I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.
I don’t know how people learn to live with grief. This is completely new to me. I feel lost.
I finished my internship and I’m trying to find work, but the truth is: I’m standing because my dad taught me how to stand. I’m not strong. If you see me continuing, don’t assume I’m okay. I’m doing it because life requires me to, because no one else can do it for me.
I’m standing, not because I chose to be strong, but because I have no other choice.
I’m writing this because I want to ask people who have experienced losing someone they deeply loved: how did you learn to live with it? How did you handle the days when the pain felt impossible? I would really appreciate hearing from people who have been through something similar.
I left my whole friend group when I found out they were doing drugs. Like hard ones. Just found out tonight that one of my other friends died. We were real friends. Not sexual. Just kicked it and always had a good time. But also talked a lot. I didn't want to be involved in all that so I just left. I feel so guilty. Maybe I could've helped instead of just leaving.
I am in a long distance relationship, different countries and and my boyfriend lost his mom about 13 months ago. It's been up and down. We've had our setbacks and have made steps forward as well. This forum has always provided a place where I receive good advice and understanding. So I'm coming here for some two cents ..... about a week and a half ago we got into an argument and we're trying to resolve it, but he has become, which is understandable, even more avoidant than before. He's having a hard time really expressing himself and I've been trying to be patient but it became to the point where it didn't matter how I would word certain questions or give them time to answer. He just just refuses to address them and does the typical restrict, mute, ignore, dismiss. Out frustration and my own family problems, including recently being laid off, I hit the block button and he blocked me back. We have have touch base and he says he's fine but feels pressure. However, he will not answer my questions, he's just replying with a heart sticker, when it's heavy. He refuses to unblock me from some of the main lines of communication which is Messenger, WhatsApp and Telegram and unblockd everywhere else and I'm just at a point where not really sure what to do because he has also blocked me in his anger stages before and I get it and have also forgiven him, I guess I was just able to let it go easily, also it's in my nature to give people the benefit of the doubt until you show me otherwise, hence why I did it this time. It was very hurtful when he did it, but he doesn't see anything wrong with it because he is grieving and going through a difficult time. So I'm trying to understand with an added layer of grief, how that made him feel and also as a man how that made him feel. Ultimately, I don't want to keep pressuring him, but I also don't really know where to go from here ... Or if anyone has been in this position.
I have deeply apologized because I do regret my reaction and made an impulsive decision. Whether I was right or not, I should have just been myself which is usually a person who tries to be kind on her actions even in conflict, especially because I am still trying to understand his grief, while not experiencing it myself :/
THANKS 🫶🏽
This is something I've been thinking about for a while.
People always talk about how grief changes you, but nobody talks about how it changes your relationships.
When you're going through the hardest phase of your life, you start noticing who checks on you without being asked, who remembers you exist, and who slowly fades away.
I used to believe that the people closest to me would always stay. But life has a strange way of showing you who can sit with your pain and who quietly walks away because it's too uncomfortable.
I'm only 22, and this year has changed me more than I ever thought possible. I don't expect anyone to fix my life or solve my problems. Sometimes a simple "How are you doing today?" means more than people realize.
Maybe adulthood is just accepting that not everyone who enters your life is meant to stay.
I'm slowly learning to stop expecting people to stay and start appreciating the ones who actually do.
P.S. We've known each other for almost 18 years. That's probably why this hurts as much as it does.
My soulmate was killed 30 years ago and I haven't been able to move on. I live my life the best I could but the grief is still as fresh. I believe that it is because I feel responsible for his passing. I did not kill him. But I could have done a way more to prevent it. For starters I could have believed that the threats he received were real. I could have listened more. I could have held him tight and never let him go, instead of having a disagreement that morning and letting, not - making him go. Had I known I would not see him alive again...Why does it feel it was me who pressed the trigger?
Could any of you share how you cope with the guilt part of your grief ?
how am i meant to fully love my family when i know they are going to die.. I've never experiened death (of humans) my grampa is 82 and even tho i know time is fleeting i can't bring myself to go visit him bc i don't wanna get attatched b4 he dies...... this goes for all my family really latley ive been distance bc i just know the evevitable and i know i wont be able to handle the pain.... why is life so painful
I am Venezuelan-American and I am having a hard time trying to work since the double earthquake destroyed Venezuela. My whole family lives where the earthquakes hit. I just got news my cousin passed away and overall people my family grew up with passed away. Each day since the disaster, I am getting more updates on the matter from my immediate family. My grandparents don’t have a home. The worst part is I still haven’t heard from a lot of people there. I try to answer every call to the best of my availability cause they are in and out of service, so I don’t want a phone call to be the last. I am trying to not cry in the office or when people ask me how I have been. The worst case is half of my team is on vacation and I feel like I can’t just pull a grievance leave but I don’t want others to feel bad. People are telling to control my emotions at work and say it makes me look bad, but my heart has never been so torn. I feel guilty cause I was supposed to be there next month. How do I go about this with my job? What is the course of action? Am I at risk losing my job?
Any advice? I feel like I just cant do this anymore its too much, no matter how much time passes its still the same
If you could explain grief to someone, what would you say?
I found out at 1am today, that my baby brother had lost his battle with addiction at 28 years old.
I am on the other side of the world from my family, and it isn't feasible for me to travel until dates of things are confirmed.
I am feeling so many things. I am angry, and hurt, and sad. I feel so much guilt that I can't be there for my dad as the eldest, and for my youngest brother as his older sister.
I don't know how to navigate this.
My father-in-law has been battling Parkinson's disease for the past 11 years.
This morning, we was taken from his memory care unit with vomiting, and in short order, learned that he has necrotic bowel, kidney failure, and pneumonia.
They transferred him to ICU and told us to make the drive to see him soonest. We are picking up the rental car now and driving to Maryland tonight.
His son is driving down from Connecticut.
It's the longest drive.
He died of a stroke no one expected, and doctors didn’t even catch or treat the stroke for several days. That’s my first issue. He just struggled and they didn’t identify why. My poor father suffered for so long. I don’t know what he felt, but if I was in his shoes I’d want to be totally knocked out. He must have been so scared.
Eliquis was the secondary cause of death on his death certificate. The folks assessing his body in the morgue knew about the effect of Eliquis well enough to put it down in ink for a death certificate. For everything I could have braced for, this was never it. Why isn’t there a black box warning on Eliquis? If you haven’t seen your dad dying, stroked out and unresponsive with his mouth agape, you wouldn’t get it. It was a horror I know he definitely didn’t want us to see.
Drug folk can come at me. I have no dog in your fight, I just miss my dad. The medical examiner said what he said. My dad could still be here now, so please tread gently.