How do you “logic” out loss.
I lost my dad in April. The process was very weird - he was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer and passed less than 6 weeks later. So I knew it was coming and we got to be with him and say goodbye but I don’t feel comfort in it.
All of my emotions - my whole life, I seem to be able to logically process and it be ok. But I can’t work through this. Months later I still can’t process how it happened so fast. How he left his house one morning because his oxygen was low and then he never came home. Did he tell his dog bye? There was so many things we didn’t discuss. I feel robbed. If I have to deal with the anticipatory grief as I did, then we were supposed to get time. Talks. Conversations about his wishes. And here I sit feeling like I didn’t really even know him. And the time we had planned was stolen.
And I try to appreciate the time we had. That I was there. That he made the decision to go. I know that some people leave for work and never return. I know some loss is so unexpected that plans just sit as a ticket or suitcase never touched again. But as I think of that to be thankful I just feel more grief for those who do lose loved ones unexpectedly and get an overwhelming fear for whatever the next loss of mine will be.
I try to appreciate that he’s “still here” with us. Other seem to feel him. But I don’t. I don’t feel a connection at all. He’s just gone. I don’t want to return home to see my mother because it brings so much pain. I don’t want to do things that remind me that he’s gone.
So as someone who thought I had such a good handle on my emotions: even as I had to make the last decisions for him, I don’t feel like I have any grasp on this at all. And I thought time would make it better. But now - 4 months later. All I feel is the dark realization that I can’t ever talk to him again. This isn’t just a long time not hearing from him. It’s never going to happen.
I feel so stuck.