I'm bored rn and really want to listen to music and walk for hours but alone
But the thing is where??? Where to walk
It's siliguri there's no peaceful place here
And i can't go far
As i live near court more
So i used to have a very sharp memory and i would remember mostly everything.
But ever since losing my partner 11 months ago
Ive been noticing that I've forgotten most of my memories yk?
Like that type of "remember when" talks you have with your friends, we were having that type of conversation but most of the things she will tell me I just don't remember that and even if I do i only remember like very little about it and those incidents we were talking about was only from like 1 or 2 yrs ago.
So i get that I don't remember things I did before him or during him but now even after him I don't seem to remember anything? Like i don't remember the day he died where was I or after he died whether i met him or not
Like everything is so confusing
And i for a longest time was feeling guilty because i didn't even get to see his body for the last time
But i now just remember that i did see him I even touched him and cried and all
And I knew what he wore for our first date , where did we meet and all but I don't even remember it now
It's not like I've completely forgotten it as I do get flashbacks of those memories at random moments sometimes
So idk and it's not only his memory that I'm forgetting but it's with everyone including my friends and family..
Is this normal? Well I find this kinda fascinating like how these brains works and all
Although I've no deep knowledge about these topics
I would like to learn more on why it happens
So im 19 and i lost my beloved partner to death 11 months ago
After that only ik what I've been going through
And well I've always been a private person so I don't really share how I feel so people won't know much
I've a roommate, she's a good friend of mine and she's been my friend even during the time i First started dating him so she knows how much I loved him and still do.
Her relationship is very toxic and bad so she vents to me alot and one time she was crying because of her bf and I was comforting her and I said yk what break up with him he's not good for you mental health it's better to cry and miss him then to be with him and still have to cry everyday
But she said she can't live without him
I told her even I can't live without my love but I've to and I am living because I'm forced to as he's no longer here
And she said "Atleast death of a partner is easier to deal with than to deal with breakup" cos you will see your ex with new person and it will hurt you more but the one whose dead is dead so won't hurt that much
And well that sentence stings yk cos he's dead man
My favourite person in my entire world is dead
I mean I wish separation between us should have been due to breakup rather than his death cos then atleast he would still be alive and well.
I never compared her pain with mine and never thought her pain was less than mine but whatever she said that day really did hurt.
Even though she said this 3 months ago that words have never left my mind since..
I mean we share same room yet i never cried in front of her and always looks happy maybe she thinks it don't hurt me ?
But only ik what I go through everyday
Every night I go to my terrace, cos it quiet and dark there
And i stay there for few hours while I play some music in the background so people won't hear me cry
And i talk out loud about everything i want to say to him
About how much i miss him and love him
But i guess in others eyes his death don't effect me.. which hurts because i want people to know I love him deeply cos he deserves to be loved i don't want people to think no one loved him enough...
EDIT - Sorry I can't respond to every replies I'm getting but just know that I'm reading every single one and thankyou all for your advice / words I appreciate it all 🤍
I love music and i want to listen to songs that sounds similar to luna by smashing pumpkins,.when the sun hits by slowdive, no other heart by mac
Type similar music 🦅🦅
Give me song recommendations or any artists.......
Also i love these songs like "Ik it's over- the smiths" and guns n roses and sigur ross and all
But I get bored easily and I don't like to give long intro type shit so i like talking just as friends type ykk
Btw I'm 19...
Also im not even familiar with this app though i created it long time ago I'm only using it since few days ss
like how to overcome that fear of being judged or whatever lol but sometimes i feel so carefree that I will be walking alone playing loud music and singing along crzyyy
Like help fr