I’m finding the basic house chores difficult to do without breaking down. Not so much going through her stuff, just the doing dishes, vacuuming and other miscellaneous stuff. 3 months in now.
9 months in, and I've never felt more alone than yesterday. I wanted so badly for my husband to be here, to share what happened in my shitty day..my emotions, to be angry and sad with me, to physically be with me, hug me and hold my hand as I cried, to make me feel safe. His presence alone would have been enough. Having friends isn't the same as having someone who knows you on a deeper level, someone who is your person.
On impulse, I downloaded a dating app but hid my account as I'm not fully ready to embark on that journey. Plus, I'm pregnant with our child. No one would really want a grieving widow with a child on the way. But I guess it's not much of a problem since all I do is swipe left. Because all I do is look for my husband's qualities and features. I can't count how many times I've swiped left. I just swipe the second I see a profile. I'm like on autopilot. I guess I'll be deleting this app soon enough.
I was trying to explain to some friends that, yes, during Pennie's sickness there were times that I would think about what it could possibly be like if she died but the truth of the matter is that it is infinitely worse than anything I could have possibly imagined. The loss, pain and loneliness is so much worse than I could imagine. It is always with you, there is no respite from her not being here anymore. Every second of the day her memory hangs over me. The hopelessness is almost to much to bear, her birthday just passed, our two son's birthdays, 21 & 25, were this week and our daughter started 7th grade today and before you know it Halloween, Thanksgiving & Christmas are just around the corner and I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through all of this. Today I start my therapy for the trauma that her CPR left and everyone is so proud of me for asking for help but it still brings no relief and very little hope. She is gone. My heart is broken. I feel like a ghost walking through my day to day. The one thing that I have come to realize is that there are times I have said I wish it had been me that died instead of Pennie but I don't feel that way anymore, I wouldn't want her to have to feel what I'm feeling and going through right now. I'm glad that I'm the one that is suffering through this, there is no way that I would want Pennie to have to feel this pain, loss and loneliness. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to the simple fact that this whole situation is beyond imagination and so much worse, thank you all for always being here and listening.
Background: today I met with my new city librarian. My community encompasses about 100k people. Our public library is fairly large and holds a lot of info. But to both the librarian and myself, we were shocked as to how little books on grief they hold. So she requested I compose a listing of books for her to order and "get up to speed" in that topic section. She didn't want to bother with inter library loaned books.
As a plus, she asked for my help in establishing a community loss of a spouse support group since we have no current support groups in the community. Grief Share is not an option as she wants people to not feel as though religion is being pushed on them. I'm beyond thrilled.
So if you can provide some good grief book titles and authors you think would be helpful, I'd surely appreciate it. I only know of a few. Thanks in advance!! 🫂
Don’t get me wrong, it’s tough every day. A lot of the times I fall apart unexpectedly and grief hits when I least expect it. But I think I’m also at the stage where I’m able to just keep pushing until a time when it’s appropriate to fall apart and then get back into the usual life.
His first birthday without him is next week. I’m taking PTO around it to not have to think about work. Then I also requested vacation for the one year mark in fall to also be able to be miserable without the work deadlines on my mind.
I just request these with no context so I’m hearing “Hope you have an amazing time off” and I’m sure I’ll get asked how it goes when I’m back. No, I will be having a horrible time off but that’s the point. After it I’ll be able to return to work and pretend like I care all over again.
The world keeps spinning and everyone expects me to be back to normal. While I’m anxious about these final firsts in the first year since his death, I’m waiting for those days off when I don’t have to pretend I’ve got it all. I can be alone, cry all day and forget about everything.
I lost my Honey when I was 28 we had plans for kids we were so close to being ready but stuff happened and he left me. I feel lost and dont know what to do. I miss him and want to be loyal but its hard being on my own. If we had kids I know I'd be fine cause I would still have him through them. I really want kids and I think I still have a chance to have them but I would need to start to find someone like now. It's hard to cross that line I've downloaded a few dating apps took a couple of decent photos but I didn't go through with it. I keep thinking I'll be ok on my own I can make it through another day and another and another. Other days are harder I want to be held and have someone to lean on.
I just dont know what to do and I'm trying to figure stuff out. I hoping to talk to my pastor just waiting for him to have some free time, I'm trying to look for a counselor next month and thought I get some ideas for here too.
My wife passed away two months ago. She was in her illness for a couple of years and also had a stroke which left her disabled. We have two young kids.
I try not to consume too much grief content because I still have responsibilities and am trying to figure out what my life looks like now without someone else influencing that. I didn’t know anything about widow’s fire until I tried to figure out why I felt this way.
There are varying opinions on the subject and I get it. Everyone has different experiences.
After my wife fell ill, our relationship changed. I became her caregiver instead of an intimate partner. It’s been that way for a couple of years.
After she passed, I can’t turn off this overwhelming desire for affection. I am not interested in a relationship at all and don’t think I am anywhere near ready for something like that. But I want to roll around in the sheets and (sorry for being explicit) have my head between a woman’s thighs.
I’ve seen everything from this is because of insecurity, wanting to be desired, to just having urges that can’t be satisfied.
I’m curious how other widows/widowers have experienced this? I’m 45 if that’s useful information.
It’s been 3 years since my husband of 39 years and 9 months died. Not reaching our 40th was devastating.
Doing normal day to day things are still very hard. I still have days where I don’t really get out of bed.
With that said, I had a very productive day today🙂. I got some things done. One was a bit of a big deal.
I’ve spent the last nearly 50 years of my life having him here to give me the *you go girl* talk. I’m really missing my friend today.
Why can’t I express how I feel. ! I thought this is a safe place to let it all out.
Not like I haven’t tried but it’s not working. Fuck my life! I know people will say life is precious, yeah if you have something or someone to live for, but when that’s gone, there’s next to nothing to live for. So why bother existing in a world that you don’t want to be in?
All you want is to be with the one that was taken away from you? Everything around you doesn’t matter anymore and all you have left is living in a world that has no color in it.
I went to get my annual checkup. It started off bad. I was told that I needed to reschedule when I got there. I didn't want to name drop, but I was grouchy and my anger is set off quickly these days. I used to work for the health system. I feel like a turd thinking that I did that. Sigh. A kind person, a coordinator, came to talk to me. I was expecting an argument, but she was patient with grumpy ass me. I was able to see my doctor. Both the doctor and her assistant were nice as well. It felt weird seeing how patient and nice they were. I thought about how I once felt that way. I'm 1.75 years in. Today, I realized how much I hate myself more so than my life. I thought I would be better now. I get jealous of others who have reported being in a better place by now. I used to talk about the stages of change, grief and all that early in my life as a health educator. Now I feel all I was doing back then was spewing half-assed knowledge. Anyway, I feel like a jack ass. Just wanted to share this realization I'm in on this crap ass "journey" as a widower.
My wife of 28 years died, alone, in our home, in a fire that destroyed it. I was 300 miles away, visiting family. I will never know what caused the fire or why she was unable to escape it.
I thought I would've gotten 'over it' by now. And yet, I'm like Willy Wonka's office (Gene Wilder version), where everything inside of it is half of the whole. My wife is the missing half of everything in my office.
Too late to start again? Easier to do nothing but is that going to be acceptable during my last 20 or so years? To be continued.....
My wife passed away in November 2024. She was sick and refused to go see anyone about it. I didn’t realize how bad things were until the last month or two and even then I was so tired from arguing with her for the previous 8 months I didn’t know what to do.
After she passed. I didn’t have much of a choice in anything. I had to get control of the finances as that was her job (she was a stay at home mom and just plain better at that stuff than me). I had to help get my daughter thru senior year of high school. I had a job to maintain. I play music as a hobby but the project had shows booked so I couldn’t let those fall thru. I got blasted with a heavy dose of widows fire and have had to navigate that. I had an Afib incident and have since struggled with weight and hypertension. That was year one.
I’ve since joined other bands. I’ve made new friends. I’ve managed my fire in some less than savory ways but I have survived. Im currently training for a full marathon after having run an 8k and a half marathon already this year. I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter. By all outward appearances my life is pretty good.
But I feel so much guilt. And confusion. Sometimes I don’t even know how I made it here. The life I have versus the life we had feels so wildly different. I still cry. I miss her every day. I still feel like I don’t know how to reconcile all of this. It never feels real. I don’t know if I’m doing all this extra stuff to run away from it all or if this is just how I cope.
Sorry. This is really ramble-y. I think I just needed this to go somewhere where people would understand. This sub was invaluable during the early days. Thanks for reading.
Today it's been a year since my daughter last saw her father. I never took her into the hospital as he was in such bad shape and had so many tubes and wires and I thought it would frighten her.
August 19th 2025 they hugged goodbye, said I love you, and he said "I'll see you in a few days - sorry if I miss the first day of school".
Today it's been a year since so many of his friends and family got to see him or talk to him.
Tonight marks a year since the last time we got to snuggle together. Even in spite of his having to get up super early for surgery in the morning.
Tomorrow marks a year since I've had to sleep without him in my bed.
I still have the 4:40am and 4:50am alarms set on my phone as he wanted to be up by 5am the day of his surgery.
Tomorrow marks the last text messages we ever exchanged. At 6:07am he texted me from the surgery prep room and said they'd call me back in a while. I went back, took pictures of him and with him, and texted them to him at 7am. And that text on August 20 2025 at 7am marks the end of our "digital footprint".
The following 3 weeks were a traumatic rollercoaster ride that I am sure as much as I don't want to, I will be reliving in my mind.
Things just feel so heavy today.
My husband passed away only more than a month ago and I miss him. My body misses him. I have been reliving the times that we were intimate, to the point that I would pleasure myself. I watch adult videos too. But with him, and only him in mind. I dont want to do it with anyone but him.
But he’s gone.
My wife of 38 years passed away in April of Breast Cancer. I'm 16 weeks out and have been doing ok but this week Saturday is my birthday. She would always make it a very special day starting with amazing sex in the morning, which I miss more than I can express in words. Then breakfast and then whatever else I wanted to do but mainly I just wanted to be with her all day. My friends and family have been bringing up my birthday for the past couple days and frankly I don't care about it. They invite me out for drinks or dinner, ask about a party but without her here it just seems pointless.
So im 19 and i lost my beloved partner to death 11 months ago
After that only ik what I've been going through
And well I've always been a private person so I don't really share how I feel so people won't know much
I've a roommate, she's a good friend of mine and she's been my friend even during the time i First started dating him so she knows how much I loved him and still do.
Her relationship is very toxic and bad so she vents to me alot and one time she was crying because of her bf and I was comforting her and I said yk what break up with him he's not good for you mental health it's better to cry and miss him then to be with him and still have to cry everyday
But she said she can't live without him
I told her even I can't live without my love but I've to and I am living because I'm forced to as he's no longer here
And she said "Atleast death of a partner is easier to deal with than to deal with breakup" cos you will see your ex with new person and it will hurt you more but the one whose dead is dead so won't hurt that much
And well that sentence stings yk cos he's dead man
My favourite person in my entire world is dead
I mean I wish separation between us should have been due to breakup rather than his death cos then atleast he would still be alive and well.
I never compared her pain with mine and never thought her pain was less than mine but whatever she said that day really did hurt.
Even though she said this 3 months ago that words have never left my mind since..
I mean we share same room yet i never cried in front of her and always looks happy maybe she thinks it don't hurt me ?
But only ik what I go through everyday
Every night I go to my terrace, cos it quiet and dark there
And i stay there for few hours while I play some music in the background so people won't hear me cry
And i talk out loud about everything i want to say to him
About how much i miss him and love him
But i guess in others eyes his death don't effect me.. which hurts because i want people to know I love him deeply cos he deserves to be loved i don't want people to think no one loved him enough...
EDIT - Sorry I can't respond to every replies I'm getting but just know that I'm reading every single one and thankyou all for your advice / words I appreciate it all 🤍
Hi,
First of all I just want to give a shout out to everyone in this subreddit - I see you and am so sorry that you are experiencing this. It’s a shit club that no one asks to be a part of.
I’m 48. My wife passed away last November after an incredibly complex five year spell - I won’t go into detail as I don’t wish to sully her memory or the person she really was. Basically, she had an illness that she couldn’t beat.
I have been left with so much change - the obvious
One being that she is no longer here but I have had to sell our house. I have had an offer on it and I am feeling sick that I have to leave it. I am likely going to move back to my hometown, seek a new job, leave my current job which I love and seek new accommodation. I am fortunate that my mum is still here so am going back to live with her for a few months ago until I get back on my feet. We have an 18 year daughter who is going to University (not too far from where we live) and she thinks it is best for me to move back to my hometown as I have more family, friends there. I am completely torn as I have been a stay at home dad (though I have worked) since she was 1 and it’s normally the kid that moves away, not the parent! I feel sick at the thought that she is staying in the same area yet I am moving. As someone who has never been a big fan of change I am going through as much change as a human should be going through at any one time. To compound this, I’m going back through every moment where I fell short or we had disagreements/arguments. We were not getting on towards the end, we were most likely going to separate and the very last time I saw her up and walking I made a pithy comment about a guy I thought she was still seeing (I didn’t know they had broken up but I was hurting from this relationship happening, hearing conversations between them while I was in the house). I regret the last verbal communication we had and, in turn, I regret every single time I let her down. I did the time but it’s so much stronger now. I just can’t cope with the fact she was so unhappy and I couldn’t right it and in some ways made her more unhappy.
Hello everyone, I’ve been getting moments of anxiety mixed with grief and it’s been absolutely awful and draining. Does anyone else experience this? I’ve had a lot on my mind and it’s making my anxiety worse. I’m flying with my son to the UK, for my husband’s funeral this coming Monday. After the funeral, I’ll be going to my husband’s place at his brother’s and going into his room (where he passed away). I’ll be going through his stuff and bringing his things back home with me. I’m afraid of how I’m going to feel going into his room, I’m afraid of how I’ll hold up at his funeral and I’m afraid of the unknown emotions I’ll feel. This is the most gutting and heart shattering experience of my entire life…I miss him so fucking much…💔🙏❤️🩹
Well my wife of 22 years passed Aug 26 2020. Sudden unexpected heart failure. I was destroyed bad bad. I couldn't even say the words my wife died for a couple years. I thought life ended for me as we. I finally got to a point of moving fwd. When that day rolls around though. It hits me very hard. Oll get through it as i always do. I just want to say to the ones who recently lost you world. Time will make it easier to live. It cant remove the pain but it will become easier to live and move not on but fwd. I know I thought im def different because no amount kf tome or anything is going to make me able to even function. Well I was wrong. So stay destroys and ask if you need someone. Its ok to need someone. Even though we know they dont understand the pain we feel. It still helps just to let it out. My dm are open to anyone needing someone to to talk with.