r/widowers

Dearly departed Wife,

Today it’s been two years since you left and I constantly notice the quiet and stillness in the house. I don’t hear your voice calling me, or your TV which was always too loud, or your snoring which you denied. I don’t turn the corner and see you. I only see you in scattered photographs, and images in my mind.

You haven’t complained nor complimented me in a while. I don’t see your dirty dishes in the sink, or dirty clothes in the hamper. Your collections of dolls and teapots still sit silently on their respective shelves. Your many boxes of yarn, and half-finished knitting and crotchet projects still clutter the house.

Your clothes and jewelry remain in your dresser and closet. Your bras, nightgowns, and robe still hang on hooks in the bathroom. I see them every day and every day I ask myself if this is the day I take them down and throw them away, but it never is.

You were disabled for a long time after the cancer got to you. I took care of you every day. When you could no longer walk, we turned the living room into a makeshift hospital room. That room is idle now. The hospital bed is pushed into a corner. The hoist that lifted you out of bed and into your wheelchair with its large battery pack is next to the bed. The giant digital clock that hung on the wall so you would know what time and day it was has dead batteries. Only the rolling table, which hung over your bed and held your food and drinks, remains in use. I’ve pulled it into my office and now it’s just as cluttered as my desk. Your TV’s screen remains black. We no longer watch TV together. I watch in the bedroom now. I feel sad and guilty when I watch a new episode of your favorite shows you will never see.

The doctor’s visits have stopped. I no longer schedule wheelchair vans to pick us up. Your prescriptions are no longer renewed. You were in constant pain. It’s been two years since you left and I hope you are now at peace.

Your urn, the only new thing I have bought for you since your passing, sits on your nightstand. When I first placed it there I looked at it and spoke to you a lot, but now I only speak to you occasionally. I glance over at it. I read its inscription. I wonder if you are watching me. I wonder when I watch TV in bed, are you watching your favorite show too?

The anniversary of us becoming a couple was a few days ago. When you were alive I always had to remind you. This time all I could do is remember reminding you in the past. I’ve lit a memorial candle for you. It will burn for 24 hours. It’s in the kitchen flickering silently. It’s so quiet and still now that you are gone.

I lost my gorgeous partner of 10 years, 2.5 years ago to cancer.
An old friend died the same month. I hardly acknowledged it at the time, my heart didn’t have the bandwidth. I have grieved for them a little since, but not properly, because then my dad got sick.

My amazing Dad died, also far too young, by yet another cancer. This was 6 months ago.

Then his mum, my Nan, died the following month. Cancer again. At least she had a long life, shame she had to bury her fucking son merely weeks before her own death.

My other Nan will likely be gone by the end of today. Again, at least she had a good long life.

I cannot bring myself to go and say goodbye to her. I am finally leaving my house again, getting some exercise and going on hikes. Finally not spending every day crying and/or bed rotting. I’m so lucky she understands why I am not there.

I’m so tired of death, it’s made me finally want to start living again.

Sorry for the rambling thoughts. This subreddit is such a supportive place, I’m sure you understand.

Could really do with a hug from my partner and his kind words and gruff voice. Every death makes me miss him even more. I love you my darling.

Thanks x

Its wild how "endless plans and possibilities" transition to a seemingly pointless, repetitive loop. Convenient for society I suppose as we are but predictable cogs keeping the economy going, bills needs to be paid...the world keeps spinning...

Many of us are left alone, not by choice I'm sure, at least shortly after our spouse passes. Doesn't matter our age, but it is a major concern nonetheless. Neighbors oftentimes don't care or aren't nearby. Acquaintances you deal with are just acquaintances no matter how long you've known them. Families aren't always understanding. While many have grown children, they may be far away and have their own lives or don't feel the need to check on you. Some are too embarrassed to mention their kids don't bother with them. Even if you try your best to reach out for any help in society, sometimes it's a lost cause. Our world today is full of uncaring folks, let alone any small act of kindness. Yet one day, everyone will be in our shoes during their life.

Are you troubled you may die alone and not be found until sometime later? Do you know that it would be a hazmat team that would collect your remains?

Not everyone is able to get or has a medical alert system. Many communities don't have a wellness check system that contacts you. How many of you have reached out to your community officials to inquire if any program exists for those alone? I encourage you to do so for your own peace of mind.

It was mentioned in another Reddit post recently, that those alone may start our own well checks on each other, even if by text. I found someone had done such years ago on Reddit, but no longer exists. If I'm wrong, someone please correct me. Granted one could create a new community for this very cause if they're able to. One could also start a website, blog, or other means of public awareness for those alone.

Although elderly, I've been active in my community this past year trying to bring forth humanity. The progress is slow, but I keep going and hopeful. There are many software programs public officials can use, but the hindrance is always about the cost. Seems everything is always about money whether it's good for the community or not.

I want to share the one free program I found, that's better than nothing, for anyone alone. It's basic. I'm not promoting it understand. Simply sharing. It's called "SNUG". You download the app, pick the time for a daily well check text, and provide an emergency contact. Simple. I believe only available in the US. Like I said, better than nothing. Hope this helps others here. Please share any other free resources or information that would be helpful for any of us. Thanks in advance.

NOTE - Always be respectful and kind to those in need. No ugly replies. We are all hurting in our grief.

What does “with time” even mean? Time does not resurrect the dead or restore the life that was taken from me. 4 fucking years and I'm lonely all the time.

Where to begin. The first few years were really hard extremely hard. Then the days started to get better. They do get better you end up having more good days than bad. This year for me seems harder than the last few years. The thing about grief is there is no time limit. I spent so many years with my husband that even as the years pass you don’t forget. There moments that became memories they are forever etched in your mind and heart. It’s hard realizing that I am now older than he was. He never made it to 45 like me. You never know what the future holds or how long you will have with your loved ones. I never expected to be a widow at 38 and loose my husband when he was only 44. Cherish the moments make the time and remember them because tomorrow is never promised. All you have is today.

To my husband,

Today I remember every moment every memory every day we shared. You may no longer be here but I remember I remember.

Not at the funeral.

Not on anniversaries.

Just seeing their favorite snack and realizing they no longer had anyone to buy it for.

Something about that really stayed with me.

Tomorrow is my fifth birthday without my wife. Next week is her birthday. My birthday was never as important as her’s. But without her my birthday is just another day. No one to celebrate with, no gifts, no cards. I don’t really matter to anyone.

I wish like hell I felt better or happy but I don’t think I ever will. I hate how everything is just so sad now.

How have you, how do you, keep doing this day after day after day?

I use the word help loosely. I don’t know if reading grief books actually has any effect on this deep grief. Have you read something that has had an impact on your grief in any way? Anything you can recommend?

So far I have read:
A grief observed- CS Lewis
It’s Ok that you’re not ok- Megan Devine

Currently reading:
The Year of Magical Thinking- Joan Didion

For the longest time after my husband passed I isolated myself sooo much without even realizing it. Like I got so used to just being alone and keeping everything in my own head that normal conversations started feeling exhausting sometimes. I just feel like normal people couldnt relate to me. Like yea everybody would say comforting stuff but they didnt understand even half the pain i went through, thats why id come on this forum so much and read online because i feel like here atleast people understood.

Even when friends talked about relationships or dating stuff I’d just sit there thinking damn… people really dont realise how quickly life can change. Like if i could go back theres so much i would change..

But lately I’ve been trying to get out of that mindset a little. I’ve been trying to talk to people more, make new friends, go out more instead of staying home all the time. even started chatting more recently which honestly felt insane after years of not even thinking about any of that.

And the weird thing is it didnt make me miss or love him any less at all. Like im happy that im fully at the point where i know both can co exist. Like parallely.

I think that’s something I’m slowly understanding now. You dont really “move on” from someone you loved like that. You still miss them randomly all the time. You still think about them. But eventually life starts moving beside the grief instead of feeling completely stopped because of it.

Idk if anyone else relates to this but sometimes I feel like I’m learning how to be a person again after spending years just surviving everything, if anyone wants to share id love to know what it was like opening up urself again and how u began to socialize and relearning everything after losing ur person.

Anyone else feel the blank Thank You cards you get with the funeral home 'package' are like a horrible joke? Who expects that the grieving person would have the time, energy, or desire to write out a thank you for each card or plant received. "Thank you for acknowledging that the person died!" No, not thanking anyone for that.

update: if you did send them, God bless you! I just feel overwhelmed by the lack of time to focus on anything except keeping my job, house, and children alive.

Last night, I had dinner with my actor friend. His wife was out of town and he made time for me. Just me and him. According to his wife, he had a nagging concern that I will become a recluse. So every time he sees me, he would ask.

who else have you seen lately?

He asked the same question again. Followed by "how have you been?" I was prepared. I did not want to lie. "The same"

The food came, we ate. With the way things were going, I anticipated the "silver bullet" argument tagged on with a time-frame. It came up as expected. I countered with the stories I have read here, and my own as well--just to say grief is a lifelong event, it changes but it remains. I explained the grief ball and the jar analogy--how it stays the same and only the jar --our capacity--would change. He followed with a offer to throw out everything owned by my wife while I take "a day off" away from the house. Fresh start, he said.

He talked for ten minutes about how he would react if his wife were to die first. How he would be able to find things he liked to do and recover. He would be strong and determined.

I was tempted to retort with, "you have not even have your car break down on you once, how would you know what you would do? you just won't know."

I had, in fact, had that happen to me a few times. Failed fuel pump. Failed coolant system. Leaking engine oil. Multiple flat tires.

But i let him talk. He made time for me. The chances of communication was 15% at best. Companionship was 100%.

We had another beer. I was glad I said nothing. Grief is not similar to a car breaking down. I don't think we are stuck as widows. If our lives or bodies are like the cars we are driving, grief simply slows us down.

with our spouses gone, its similar to many intricate components disappearing. Car still runs. But it stalls randomly when the wave hits. The moments of inaction forced us to see what the road is about. When it runs, other cars passes us. It gives us the illusion that life and people are passing us by.

I am starting to see that notion may not be complete. But it’s one of many ways to explain to the rest of the population.

Grief life is simply a slow life that we didn't ask for. One that we all have to adapt to, eventually.

Been with my wife for 31 years. Married for 26 of them. On April 16 th I came home from work to find my wife laying in bed with a gun in her hand. I’m so confused and lost. She was my world. She was sick but not terminally. Always in pain. But I thought she was ok. Never saw this coming. I can barely get through the day without breaking down 5 or 6 times. I will never get the image out of my head and when I do see it, it feels like the first time over and over. The silence in the house is deafening! My day to day life has been turned upside down! I am asking anyone. How do you deal with this because I’m not doing a very good job!

Things I stopped after he died. I know why I stopped but now after 2.5 years it's like a milestone I can't cross

* Watering plants with the hose.

Pot plants got moved to where they can get rain but apart from that they're on their own. A lot have died.

* Posting on social media.

Last post was his death notification. I will comment on others' stuff but no new posts from me

* Cooking eggs and making coffee at home. Also find it hard to actually cut up vegetables and cook from scratch. These have less of a no-go aspect than the first two

I lost my wife in late January, I am mid 30s, and I have two toddlers at 3.5yo and nearly 2yo. I have been off work since losing my wife. Unsurprisingly, I am struggling with the idea of going back to work at some point. The kids are in daycare which is ran within a school, so it operates at school hours; the kids go from 8-2. My work wants me to return full time, though I may be able to work part time to match up with the kid's schedule. Full time scares me a lot just from the complete lack of time with the kids. I can put the kids into extended care until 5, but then its picking up the kids, driving home, by that point its 5:30-5:45 so I need to cook dinner, eat dinner, and then start bedtime routine and put them to bed by 8. There would be no real time with the kids, or time for them to just be kids outside of daycare.

Even working part time to pick them up at 2, there is anxiety in being able to get everything else done. Today we were kind of stuck inside just because of how hot it was, so we got groceries, got home and prepped dinner, and had a little bit of time to play. It was surprising how fast the day went when trying to make a somewhat healthy meal. I fear that even if I work part time I'll have to sacrifice a lot in terms of just healthy meals and will have to default more to fast and easy dinners which aren't necessarily the healthiest. My wife had struggled through college with some eating disorders, and became a feeding therapist to help children, so eating healthy was always very very important to her, even more so when it came to our kids. I also do believe that in general (especially here in the states) that all the crap in our foods has a heavy influence on our long term health. Having watched my wife fight her cancer and lose everything makes me want to do all I can to prevent that for my kid's futures.

The kids are very young, and they only get one childhood. The world has taken so much from them already, and I'm struggling with feeling if I return to work that I'd be taking away their childhood as well. Is it a terrible idea to not return to work? I think with our savings and the social security payments we could get by alright. The biggest concern would be healthcare. Has anyone else thought through this as well?

Today was the anniversary. It’s been a year. Since you left us. At the age of 33. You died in our bedroom. I was at your grave at 4:00 a.m. this morning. The same time you woke me up a year ago because you couldn’t breathe.

A year without “I love you”

A year without “come to bed, I want to cuddle”

A year without a touch

A year without a kiss

A lot has happened in this year, and yet, nothing really has. Your two dogs followed you. Now there are just the two of us left. Today feels like yesterday... Today feels like it did a year ago at 4:00 a.m.

I love you, my angel. I miss you more with every passing second.

Your husband ❤️

Hola a todos.

Estos 2 meses sin ella han cambiado mi vida, todo parece igual, la gente sigue sus actividades, la escuela de mis hijos sigue normal, el trabajo no cambia, pero yo estoy destrozado, veo el mundo que perdió color, realizó mis actividades para tratar de distraerme, pero nada me funciona, me agobia en pensar que no volveré a estar junto a ella, no podré besarla, abrazarla, decirle lo mucho que la quiero, estoy deprimido, es una lucha continua para seguir vivo, no quiero morir, pero tampoco estar sin mi esposa.

¿Cómo le hacen para seguir sus vidas y que el dolor no los deprima al punto que solo hacen las cosas por inercia y no por un motivo?

I wake up in the morning.

She's still gone.