u/Spirited_Two9124

Don’t get me wrong, it’s tough every day. A lot of the times I fall apart unexpectedly and grief hits when I least expect it. But I think I’m also at the stage where I’m able to just keep pushing until a time when it’s appropriate to fall apart and then get back into the usual life.

His first birthday without him is next week. I’m taking PTO around it to not have to think about work. Then I also requested vacation for the one year mark in fall to also be able to be miserable without the work deadlines on my mind.

I just request these with no context so I’m hearing “Hope you have an amazing time off” and I’m sure I’ll get asked how it goes when I’m back. No, I will be having a horrible time off but that’s the point. After it I’ll be able to return to work and pretend like I care all over again.

The world keeps spinning and everyone expects me to be back to normal. While I’m anxious about these final firsts in the first year since his death, I’m waiting for those days off when I don’t have to pretend I’ve got it all. I can be alone, cry all day and forget about everything.

This isn’t necessarily about widowhood I guess but wanted to share/vent.

I was at the cemetery today visiting my partner’s grave. It’s summer so weeds are spreading. My partner’s parents and I take turns weeding his plot. I like doing it, helps me distract while I’m there.

Well today there were some people a couple graves down from me. They were talking about the state of some graves, how the weeds are so tall, clearly no one took care of them. And a woman was clearly irritated saying something like the person died and no one cares to come and keep the plot neat. How it’s disrespectful to the dead, etc. Another person in the company tried to say something about how things can get complicated but she was still going on how it’s bad.

Honestly with all the disappointments in people after my loss I thought I lost my empathy but when I heard it I realized I still have some. Like if it bothers you so much, help out, weed another plot. The state of the plot doesn’t tell you if the person resting there is still loved. They can be loved immensely just not be able to come frequently. Some don’t live in the city their loved ones are buried in. Like if you are here at the cemetery you have to know how hard grief is. It affects every single aspect of your life. Why judge someone for not visiting often knowing what a hard experience it is? I just don’t get it. Such a weird hill to die on.

Have you ever felt like some common advice about grief just doesn’t work for you? What is it?

Mine is anything about “sharing grief” with others. There are many common sayings about it. How we have to speak out to move forward. Not isolate. I heard so many people say that you can’t bear this pain alone, you have to talk about it with your close ones.

In reality the reason why I’m able to still have some kind of social life is by not sharing my grief. Pretending it’s fine. Every time I think I’ll try sharing it with people in my life they get silent or change the topic. Sharing grief with other widowers? Yes. Sharing grief with family, friends, new acquaintances that don’t have similar experiences just shows that people cannot handle it.

It’s not like I’m sharing some gruesome details of death either. Just mentioning my partner’s name tends to shift the tone of the conversations completely. Not sure how I’m supposed to not go through this alone if people outside of widowers spaces simply don’t want to hear it.

Just visited his grave. The whole cemetery is empty but the grave next to him. A man is tending to it, cleaning up. Looks at me, says “Do you smoke?” and offers me a cigarette. The kind that my partner preferred to smoke. I smiled.

I like seeing others at the cemetery, I know not everyone can visit so seeing people taking care of plots brings a kind of calmness. Typically I am very sensitive to sounds but I didn’t mind the sound of the man’s tools at all. While he was tending to the grave I sat and cried, then spent some time cleaning up my partner’s too. His parents went out of country for a vacation so haven’t been to his plot for two weeks, quite a bit of weeds around.

So many bugs. A bumble bee sitting on the flowers planted at his grave. The cycle of life.

I love you. I wish I could tell it to you instead of the picture at your resting place.

So… how do you manage it? Anyone’s got advice?

I’m not gonna go into detail, but my partner was killed 9 months ago. He didn’t make it to hospital ultimately dying from injuries.

One of his friends has gone through a similar situation a couple months after my partner’s death. He’s still in the hospital and recovery’s probably gonna take forever. We aren’t close by any means. My partner and him were friends for 2 years maybe. We chat online from time to time. He says as soon as he’s able to walk, at least with crutches, he wants to go to the cemetery with me to visit his grave.

This might be the thing where we keep planning and never actually meet up. But if we do I’m so afraid of sabotaging it because of my jealousy.

We’re all grieving here so I can be honest. When I found out he was in the hospital my first thought was “why did you survive and my partner didn’t?”. I don’t wish he died, I’m happy he didn’t, but it’s so unfair to see someone else survive what my love didn’t. Life’s unfair so I have to deal with it somehow. But I can’t deny that I am jealous of this friend’s family who still gets to have him while we buried mine.

If we end up meeting how do I set this jealousy aside? I’m afraid I’ll just cry when I see him. I can pretend to be crying just because he was my partner’s friend, not because of everything above, but I don’t want to put any guilt/fault on him. It’s not his fault my partner didn’t make it.

Have you gone through anything similar? How did you approach it?

We all know the “let me know if you need anything”. Popular one to be disliked by those grieving.

The one that I’ve noticed that almost makes me laugh at this point is when people ask something like:
“Are your friends there for you?”
“Do you have the support?”

Cause like every single time I was asked this and answered “no” this is where the conversation would end. It doesn’t seem like people are asking this so that if you answer “no” they offer to step up. In my case they ask and then don’t know what to respond. Maybe it’s expecting a positive answer that would make them feel better about not supporting me themselves? “Oh, she has someone to be there for her, I can go on with my life”?

Like I have a friend (probably an ex friend by now) that after every single holiday asks if I was alone or celebrated with someone. Idk maybe if all of you who ask this showed up instead of expecting others to do it I would be able to answer “yes” for once.

Obviously I’m not talking about acquaintances where a stranger finds out about the loss and asks this, I don’t expect them to offer support. But hearing this from people that I used to be close with before my partner was killed is weird.

Any other questions you don’t understand from others? I’ve vented so anyone else is welcome to share what bugs them

I just had my first birthday without him and it was tough, I was relieved when the day was over. Now I just realized it’s only the beginning and the next months are full of these.

June: my birthday
July: 3 years since we adopted our dog. We chose her together and there are so many memories tied to that date.
August: his first birthday without him
September: our anniversary
October: one year since he was killed

I have to brace for impact and just push through. One day or “first” at a time, I guess. I’m not looking forward to any of this. Sending hugs to anyone in a similar timeline

I’ve read here people sharing about different memory loss issues like forgetting memories with partners or about some plans, I have experienced it as well, but I want to know if anyone is is having full on memory gaps like me.

I’m at almost 9 months post loss, this started maybe a month ago. Basically I have memory gaps lasting 30-60 minutes where I know I was doing something but I cannot recall it at all.

For example, I once was laying in bed scrolling on my phone. I don’t remember waking up, moreover there was a cup of tea still warm in the kitchen that I don’t remember making at all. I only remember that moment back in bed.

I’ve also had a couple dog walks that I don’t remember. First one is fully blacked out. A couple of hours after the walk I realized I remember leaving and I remember coming home. I have no idea where we went, how my dog behaved, what we did, etc. Nothing from a 30min walk. Today a similar situation happened. We took an hour walk and I remember half of it. I remember taking a specific turn and boom, we are home. I can theoretically see what way we would have come home since we walk a similar path usually but I have no recollection whatsoever. Another 30-40 minutes completely erased from my brain.

I can compare it to anesthesia. I had a surgery a year ago and I remember them using a syringe and then me waking up. But it’s happening with no medicine and in my ordinary life.

I do tend to cope with losing my partner by disassociating so that may be the reason on top of trauma and stress. But it’s so confusing going on about my day and realizing that hey, actually, I have no idea what I was doing at a certain point. I can check my watch history or messages to get an understanding of the timeline but I never remember those moments fully, they don’t come back.

Anyone else experiencing something similar? I’m the type of person that needs to be in control of the situation to feel somewhat safe and these gaps aren’t helping.

This is a tough one but I want to see if there’s anyone else that has a similar struggle to mine.

Accepting your partner is dead is one thing, separate topic. But what I struggle with A LOT is accepting that his body is buried.

Yes the practice has been done for years, body returning to soil, blah blah I don’t have anything against the method on its own. However, I feel so much pain every time I think about it and I can’t seem to come to terms with it.

What do you mean the person I loved is in a coffin under ground? He’s supposed to be with me, not there. TW if you are also sensitive to this topic but >!at times I just break down from the thought of the body I love so much rotting in the ground. I literally prohibit myself from googling stages of decomposition in burials because I would be imagining him. Every physical part of him I loved slowly disintegrating.!<

Another huge trigger was a viral story here on Reddit. Again, TW, feel free to skip ahead since it includes death of a child and grave vandalism. A family lost their small daughter and her grave kept being vandalized. The person once left a note saying something like >!“Hope her body is fully rotten by now”!< and it’s horrible to see it on the grave of the person you love. But it made me again lose it just from this phrase used about another buried person, I was thinking of my partner and his body.

I’ve never felt like this about anyone. All my deceased family members so far are buried, I haven’t had family choose cremation yet, some living relatives have plans though. I don’t know if it would have been easier to accept if he was cremated.

Anyone felt/feels similar? Do you have any tips? It seems like I can go by knowing he’s dead but every time I actually think about his body I lose it. I saw an instagram reel with this text and couldn’t relate more: “How can the dirt and worms consume her flesh, when she was so beautiful?”

Just need to vent. I feel like people and their expectations are too much at times.

Imagine I broke a leg. A friend saying “What do you mean you can’t run a marathon we planned before you broke your leg? You broke it months ago what do you mean you don’t want to do it now” would be insane, right.

Me losing my partner to a violent death isn’t something people consider though. I have a yearly trip I take with a family member around our birthdays (which are a couple days apart). This year they asked if I was down and I honestly said I’m not up to it. It’s gonna be my first birthday without my partner and I don’t care to celebrate. Don’t get me wrong, they were understanding, but obviously upset I’m not doing it this year.

To then also follow up with “I don’t want to go travel with you if you don’t want to go have fun together”. Right, because it’s only my pain, how could I forget. Not “Hey, do you want me to come to you and just stay with you? Anything I can do to help?”. They are not coming because I’m not able to satisfy their needs to socialize and party while dealing with immense grief. Cool.

I’m glad they are not coming, don’t get me wrong, but that conversation just reminded me of how isolating grief is. I get people are different and some have an active social life after loss but it’s not for me and it sucks that since I can’t be my old self then why bother spend time with me.

Hope everyone is having a calm start of the week, saying “good” didn’t feel right, so we’ll stick to calm

My partner and I were genuinely obsessed with each other. We couldn’t get enough of being together and I miss it so much.

I just had another dream with him this past night, in which he was not like himself. Cold, uninterested, not accepting my attention.

So today I woke up with these words on my mind: “You don’t want me even in my dreams”.

I have to accept that he’s not here with me. And even in my dreams he’s doesn’t want to be with me. This sucks.

I feel like denial is quite common in the first months, or even years, but what I’ve felt recently isn’t acceptance either.

I felt like I hit a point of no return. Meaning that if I just woke up and it turned out to be a bad dream, if he randomly showed up saying it was a sick joke, or magically returned from the dead, I wouldn’t be able to return to how it was. Enough damage has been done to my brain in the time that he’s passed that even if there was a way out of this I wouldn’t come out normal.

I feel like in the first months I would be begging to wake up, someone to tell me it’s not real and hoping I’ll see him again alive even though it’s impossible. Not now though.

I was wondering if anyone else had a similar shift. Not towards full acceptance, I’m not there yet, but to the stage when going back isn’t something you’d want.

Just had the first appointment since my partner was killed 7.5 months ago. New doctor, couldn’t bear going to the same one I was seeing when my partner was alive.

When asked about sex/contraceptives I decided to be honest to potentially ease any next questions. I told her I was on the pill but went off of it because my partner is dead.

Then later in the appointment the usual “Are you planning on having kids?”. Standard question, I get it. But I just mumbled “Not a priority. No one to have them with”. She responded “Well, once you find him…”

I’m sure I’m not the first widow to have an appointment with her and maybe others handle these questions better. I get that the question is the standard protocol, not questioning her professionalism here, just a bummer to hear the comment about searching for someone else to have kids with. Maybe if I just told her “no” end of sentence I would avoid being extra sad now and that’s on me.

Rant over. Gonna cry about it when I’m home.

My partner and I loved banter. It was always silly and made us laugh.

His favorite was to tell me “So you don’t want to see me anymore, huh?” when I’d take off my glasses before going to bed.

If he said that he was going to stop by his parents’ place after work before going home I’d follow up with something like “Sure, of course you don’t want to spend time with me, I get it”

So now I sometimes talk to him in my head saying “If you didn’t want to be with me you didn’t have to die, you know?”. I miss being silly with my person. If afterlife exists I’m never going to stop teasing him for all of this when my time comes.

I hate when people who learn about your loss jump to ‘at least’ and you know, everything cliche about not being in pain, you knowing true love, you still being young blah blah

However, I have some ‘at least’s that I tell myself.

Mine are:

1. At least I wasn’t financially dependent on him. It was 7 months as of Friday and due to him being killed and everything that followed his next of kin is still in the process of receiving the funds from his bank accounts. No support payments have been made because they need medical reports to be finalized. I mean I’m sure mine and his family would chip in, but I can’t imagine not having any income this whole time because of how long all the processes take.
2. At least his body is at home. Again, with the circumstances of death, he could have been a missing person. As hard as it was to see him at the wake, we got closure.
3. At least I got our dog. As hard as it was (and sometimes still is) to take proper care of her in the depth of grief, the routine of walking her every day gives my body regular exercise and breaks from staying at home 24/7.

Do you have any personal ‘at least’s? Ones that you use to comfort yourself?

I am wondering if anyone else is seeing what I'm seeing.

Example A:

Someone says how they got into an accident and their friends disappeared after it. You hear "they weren't really your friends", "you did yourself a service for cutting them off", etc.

However, change "accident" to "death of a loved one" and suddenly that exact same behavior is excused as "they didn't know what to say", "they were waiting for you to reach out first", and other bullshit.

Example B:
Someone says they received a vacuum cleaner for their birthday after 17 years together. You hear "they put zero thought into this gift", "you deserve someone who actually listens", etc.

However, when grievers share that they expect people to actually show up we are told we should be grateful for bare minimum "sorry for your loss" followed by radio silence. If we aren't we are called "unforgiving."

At this point I find it fascinating how in the era of people treating everything black and white, grieving people is the one situation where they insist on nuance and understanding.

PSA: This post is inspired by a comment under Instagram Reel, quoting it here because I'm still mad about it lol. Video: Woman saying choose people who show up because she had friends that never showed up when her son died.

Comment: "While I am sorry for your loss, there is a certain arrogance in judging how people express sympathy and extend offers of help. Even in grief it's not all about you."

I was watching just another video on grief and thought to myself “I never knew his parents versions of themselves before he was killed”

We all say often about a past version of us dying with our loved ones. But this is the first time it clicked to me that it’s the same for some others who lost them.

His parents and I weren’t really close, we saw each other maybe twice a year. We talk weekly now and I am very thankful to have them. But I never got to know what they were like having two sons, not just one. Not actively grieving. Not broken by grief. I’ll probably get to see glimpses of them the way they were but I know this changed them as much as it changed me.

I guess this can count into a secondary loss pile. A minor thing but it hit me out of nowhere.