u/SouthernBiskit

Did you know the Declaration of Independence is not a legally binding document? It doesn't establish laws or government structures. It's the document that set the "moral standard" for the U. S. in that all men are created equal.

Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

Do we feel this after the loss of our spouse?

Many have passed away on this date as well as other holidays, special occasions, anniversaries, birthdays and the like.

While I've experienced my share of July 4th's, it now holds no meaning to me. My husband and I got tired of all the hustle and bustle fanfare with entertaining or going to activities and fireworks before he passed. Instead he would BBQ any and all meat from the freezer as though we were going to feed an army. All this precooked food naturally ended up back in the freezer for ready meals at any time. I often told him he loved his elaborate grill more than me. He even built himself a screened in grill porch. I miss his BBQ grilling and reluctantly sold it shortly after he died. I couldn't bear seeing it on that back porch, knowing what it represented.

What have you done on this day or how do you now celebrate it?

Approaching the 2 year mark of my husband's death. I've struggled with many things and accomplished many things. As difficult as it was, just yesterday I finalized my end of life plans with my local funeral home director. Took me 4 months and was very emotionally draining.

I have a wonderful relationship with this kind hearted genuine young man director, half my age, mainly because he gets it, which is so rare and unbelievable. I've shared some gut wrenching things with him, my fears, my hopes for the future and how people are in the world today. I'm amazed at his strength and patience in dealing with the many grieving families he performs services for. Definitely doesn't act like a commercial entity and has wanted to be in the funeral home business since a young child.

On my way there, the thought popped into my head for some unknown reason to ask him if I could come visit quietly during a funeral, possibly on the upcoming 2nd year day of my husband's passing. I couldn't explain why I even got the thought and felt a bit foolish. He encouraged me and said definitely not a problem, including he'd take me on a tour even. I'd already been shown most of the facility prior. Now it's not like I'd never been to a funeral, nor was I having one for myself, or that we've had numerous meetings over the course of these past 4 months to finalize my plans, it was just I felt comfortable in sharing my odd request but didn't have a clue why I wanted to do this. I wasn't the least bit emotional over it either. I only did a gravesite service for my husband with a different funeral home. I don't even want that for myself, just a simple burial next to my husband when it comes my time.

Trying to continue my life as normal as possible, I've been donating food grief baskets to this director throughout this past year to anonymously give out to someone at his discretion. He's so receptive and can't believe my kind nature. No one does this in my area. Basically that's how it all began, until I finally realized I had to get it together and change my will and redo my final arrangements.

I'm mystified at myself and have no clue why I even got the idea to visit a funeral on or near the date of my husband's 2nd year passing. It's not a celebration to me. I could do without the reminder. Maybe I'm losing it!! I no longer visit his grave as I realize he isn't there and it is an 1 1/2 hour drive each way. I stopped going over a year ago. It wasn't healthy for me.

Am I weird or what? Is my brain messing with me? Has anyone had anything like this happen to you?

In my area, when someone passes they are not taken to the morgue. The unempathic coroner arrives and tells you to pick a funeral home to collect the person's body. After quizzing you, he makes a determination as to the cause of death and has an unknown physician sign off on it. We are pretty much in a zombie state when our spouse passes, sudden or otherwise, not to mention inconsolable, yet expected to answer questions like nothing just happened?

Long story short, my husband passed suddenly almost 23 months ago. I'm still not "right" in my head to date. He was active all day, we had a good discussion late afternoon, then 1 hour later I find him dead. Sudden lethal heart attacks can happen at any age, but I was dumbfounded. I wanted to know what happened. How did he simply just die? I questioned everything. I was scared, not just curious, I needed to know. I couldn't comprehend it. Autopsies have to be performed within 7 days after death. I wrestled with what to do, wasn't needing nightmares my husband would be a science experiment, not diced n sliced from every organ, I believed I was doing the right thing for my peace of mind, not some coroner's cause of death. Plus, I felt my husband would want me to know. I sucked up my emotions and had the funeral home deliver (and return) his body to the University pathology department after several conversations with their professors. I instructed them to put back what they took out and was burying my husband "whole".

After about a month, I received a multi page report. I couldn't look at it. I asked for the simple version of why he died and told sudden acute lethal cardiac arrest.

I just read the report yesterday. It was tough to do. The report stated cause of death was "a sudden lethal ventricular arrhythmia arising in the infarcted myocardium." His blood flow just quit or was blocked, possibly by a clot and caused him a sudden, unexpected cardiac death (heart attack).

BTW, if my husband hadn't been a recent patient at this University, it would have cost me $5K out of pocket. Thankfully the fee was waived. Some places charge more and insurance doesn't cover it.

Nonetheless, I know now why he died, but it doesn't make me feel any better or change that he died. I still needed to know.

The last time I stepped into a clothing store was about 6 months prior to my husband's passing. He's been gone for 22 months now. I lost interest in shopping over the years, but at that time my husband had given me a gift card to use on myself only and I needed sneakers. My life was normal back then.

I've lost 45 pounds over these months and everything I own, except for fancy dresses and stuff, are all too big. I've felt like a hobo, the little I go out. No where to go for fancy attire anymore.

I've been struggling to get motivated and have courage to go to this store. It's not been in me to go shopping, even for food. Everything is by force. Be quick, get what you need, then retreat home to my refuge.

Today I had a meeting near the plaza. That meeting lifted my mood, regardless that the sky was so dark pending a thunderstorm, that eventually never happened. Given I figured many wouldn't be out during bad weather, I pulled up my big girl pants and went to the store. Still hesitant, but mastered going in then a little confused as the store had remodeled over time and I didn't know where the women's section was, let alone the dressing rooms. A very patient saleswoman came to my rescue. Never realized before how very large this quality store is.

I didn't have much patience, let alone energy, now an hour later, but I did find a couple decent slacks at a great price. That alone exhausted me but I encouraged myself I'd come back another time. It felt great I did what I did. I survived it. I'm determined to accomplish more things in the months ahead, even though solo. I have to try and get my life in order and staying safely at home most times isn't solving anything. I suppose it just takes having confidence in whatever any of us do. I laugh now that it took me 11 months just to start the new zero turn hubbie had purchased before he passed. Now I'm ok with it. Determination and confidence goes a long way. Just takes persistent I suppose.

I've always tried to do the right thing, knowing I'd die someday and meet my maker. I'm human and make many mistakes, but always tried to have a clean conscience in whatever I do.

When our spouses pass, many of us have experienced those that want to take advantage of anything we have, or take things of our spouse, without regard to our feelings or permission. Forget that our minds are in a twilight zone and we could use genuine compassion and understanding, not unconscionable behavior.

Not everyone can afford to freely give away things. Some of us struggle and have to sell items, just to survive, especially when you're now only one income.

I sell many items. I've had some really strange customers. I'm careful to meet at a safe place, or have someone with me if an item has to be picked up at my property. I don't freely give my location out to just anyone as safety is my #1 priority, any more than I announce I'm a widow and live alone.

I recently cancelled the sale of an item I had a buyer for, even though I could of used the money. Why? My conscience.

I was contacted by a rather pushy father quite a few states north of me. Out of anxiety, he wanted the item for his 17 year old son (1st time away from home), who just started college this week, an hour south of me and offered cheap money if I'd deliver immediately. After several conversations, I gave him options. Son doesn't have a vehicle, but his roommate does, come to me and get it, meet me half way (pay gas money), wait until next week and I'll deliver (with gas money) or go to the nearest Walmart and buy in person if they have the item or order online with free delivery. Naturally he'd pay a little more than double for the same item, plus sales tax. I suggested this might be his best option keeping things simple and stressfree. He agreed. Of course I didn't want to kill my sale, but I don't need the hassle either. The father wasn't thinking clearly and I realized it immediately. I knew he just wanted to get his son settled, sooner than later and was being a good dad. He just hadn't thought things through. I'm glad I did the right thing. The father thanked me for my kindness. My conscience is clean.

Curious if anyone has encountered a situation similar. Please share. Thanks.

EDIT- My posting was in no way boosting my ego, but to remind us grieving folks, that just because the world has no moral compass, we are not like the rest of the world. Many have suffered insane atrocities because of others, but doesn't mean we should or will follow suit. Being kind and considerate should come naturally, although I know, to many, it's a thing of the past. Having good character equals creditability.

I just learned that my vein surgeon has had me fill one out at my last 4 appointments. Has nothing to do with any surgery as I'm not having any. He was my late husband's as well. Never was told what it was. I learned when I got a Medicare copy of services recently, but it listed a neurologist I've never seen or heard of. I inquired naturally but wasn't given a reason as to why. Medicare didn't pay the bill.

I'm very suspicious that this vein surgeon is attempting to bypass my grief and trying to diagnose me with a mental illness, even though he's not qualified to do so. Funny my PCP has never done this, nor any counselor I've seen. Do they all think a pill of some sort fixes grief? Of course we can all get depressed on occasion after our spouse passes, since our brain needs to be rewired, but we deal with many emotions which wax and wain. I no longer trust this doctor, but will surely have quite the discussion next appointment, if I haven't kicked him to the curb prior. I am offended and feel tricked into doing something I had no knowledge of. My research on this suggests these so called questionnaires are not proper protocol and fairly useless.

This has been a week from hell. Nothing has gone right or problem free. I'm exhausted and burnt out.

After almost 3 weeks I finally got my car back from repairs at the collision shop from a hit and run. It's been a nightmare since April. One minute insurance had them validated, then 2 weeks later said no, even though they told me to go there, then finally revalidated them. I had to orchestrate the entire process as they had no one overseeing my matters. Insanity at its finest. One minute the shop is coming to pick me up, 2 hours later their contract with Lyft was screwed up and cancelled. Hour 3, a worker came and finally got me. Car back on Monday.

Then I have to race my 19 yr old cat to the vet who suddenly started going downhill from kidney disease on Friday. Only diagnosed at Christmas. Fine for 6 months, values mild, now at deaths door. Was at vet Mon - Thu trying to save his life any way possible. No good. Had to put him to rest yesterday. Buried today, hired help. Heartbroken beyond. Saving grace is my vet is awesome and really cares about animals. We have an incredible relationship thankfully.

Between all this, needing a stress release, I figured I'd mow the lawn with the new zero turn. Only used 10 times. Everything was fine until the belt broke. Other mower broke down last week and getting repaired, probably when hell freezes over. Took 3 days, tons of calls to locate a belt as no one within a 50 mile radius had one, so had to order one from the company it was purchased from 3 hours south of me and have shipped. Won't get it until sometime next week. It's a Husqvarna, not a cheap one as my deceased husband only bought the best of things. Sucks being stuck when you have to do everything alone. Sucks just as bad when no one cares to help you out as well

To add more heartfelt misery, I ran over a 6 foot snake in my driveway by accident the other day. Thought it was a branch. Couldn't miss it. I cried as I had to run it over again to make sure it was dead and not suffering. I intended to remove it, but some critter took it thankfully as I hate snakes period.

Let's add that my air conditioner died during this week also. Finally located a replacement which had to be shipped. Why of course, like everything else, stores are eliminating products forcing you to. Now that it has arrived, I have to wait until next week to have the old one removed and this new one installed. I can hardly do it alone. I'm not strong enough. But at leàst I have a smaller unit in another room I'm running so I don't die from heat exhaustion. Not great but better than frying in this southern heat.

I've only slept about 6 hours this whole week. I've gone into isolation as much as I can as I can't deal with anymore. I still have other animals to tend to, but I may make it my mission to stay bed bound for the weekend. I know I desperately need rest. I feel like I've been jinxed or someone's put a hex on me.

I wish my husband were here!! I'm tired of all these problems. I'm only one person. I hate my life!

My apologies for venting. Just needed for someone to listen and understand. I'm 73 and alone.

I'm new to this group. Please be patient with me. I'm a 73 year old widow and have no one to help me or guide me in a decision.

My cat Tobi, is 19. I know he's old and have always been aware he'd die one day. First pet I've ever had that lived past 16. He started having kidney disease issues before Christmas last year. It was all new to me as it started as constipation. Then drinking a lot of water, but got dehydrated. Still eating many small meals daily, but bad teeth caused me to liquify his food. Vet afraid to sedate him for fear of losing him in the process, although he made 2 attempts and said the cat near coded.

Vet gave him some IV fluid (sub q), antibiotics, vit b injection, cleared his stuck poop, couldn't get a full CBC as my cat wouldn't cooperate, but enough to show his BUN was a tad elevated. Tobi normally weighed 9-10 pounds, but now down to 6.

A few days later he seemed to bounce back and was putting on weight.

This past Friday, Tobi started not eating, still drinking, and vomited once. Vet of course was closed. Over the weekend he stopped everything, just slept on my bed, but was leaving dollops of diarrhea all over the place. I gently syringed vit b down his throat, baby Pedialyte, some Delectables lickable treat, (tuna with shrimp) throughout this past weekend knowing he was dehydrated and sick to hold on until seeing the Vet early this morning.

I've been a mess with worry. Vet took blood work with no problem. Tobi was unusually cooperative, although didn't like his teeth checked in several mouth openings. He now weighs 4.5 pounds.

BUN level today was 130 mg/dl.

Dec 15th BUN was 42 mg/dl.

GLOB today was 5.6 g/dl.

Dec 15th GLOB was 5.0 g/dl.

Creatine today had no measure.

Dec 15th showed 1.9 mg/dl.

Vet tech was trying to pressure me in euthanasia today. Vet said possible Tobi may make it 2 more days or a few days. Think about euthanasia in the immediate future.

Tobi after coming home has mostly stayed in his open carrier, sleeping. He came out a few times to drink a bunch of water and drop a few liquid poops, under my bed of all places. Litter boxes are always clean. I've tried to give him some soupy food, but he won't have any of it. I may try some finely ground partly boiled hamburg or mushed up fish. I'm at my wits end and so stressed. I'll be bringing him back to the Vet tomorrow because I don't feel they gave him enough sub q. The tech only did it for 5 or so minutes. I wasn't told how many mil. I'm frightened to do sub q at home by myself. I'm scared Tobi might not bounce back this time. I'm even considering a 2nd opinion.

I am aware of Tanya's CKD website and read everything.

Can anyone make any suggestions?? Thanks in advance for any help. I truly could use some comfort as my heart is heavy.

I'm new to this group. Please be patient with me. I'm a 73 year old widow and have no one to help me or guide me in a decision.

My cat Tobi, is 19. I know he's old and have always been aware he'd die one day. First pet I've ever had that lived past 16. He started having kidney disease issues before Christmas last year. It was all new to me as it started as constipation. Then drinking a lot of water, but got dehydrated. Still eating many small meals daily, but bad teeth caused me to liquify his food. Vet afraid to sedate him for fear of losing him in the process, although he made 2 attempts and said the cat near coded.

Vet gave him some IV fluid (sub q), antibiotics, vit b injection, cleared his stuck poop, couldn't get a full CBC as my cat wouldn't cooperate, but enough to show his BUN was a tad elevated. Tobi normally weighed 9-10 pounds, but now down to 6.

A few days later he seemed to bounce back and was putting on weight.

This past Friday, Tobi started not eating, still drinking, and vomited once. Vet of course was closed. Over the weekend he stopped everything, just slept on my bed, but was leaving dollops of diarrhea all over the place. I gently syringed vit b down his throat, baby Pedialyte, some Delectables lickable treat, (tuna with shrimp) throughout this past weekend knowing he was dehydrated and sick to hold on until seeing the Vet early this morning.

I've been a mess with worry. Vet took blood work with no problem. Tobi was unusually cooperative, although didn't like his teeth checked in several mouth openings. He now weighs 4.5 pounds.

BUN level today was 130 mg/dl.

Dec 15th BUN was 42 mg/dl.

GLOB today was 5.6 g/dl.

Dec 15th GLOB was 5.0 g/dl.

Creatine today had no measure.

Dec 15th showed 1.9 mg/dl.

Vet tech was trying to pressure me in euthanasia today. Vet said possible Tobi may make it 2 more days or a few days. Think about euthanasia in the immediate future.

Tobi after coming home has mostly stayed in his open carrier, sleeping. He came out a few times to drink a bunch of water and drop a few liquid poops, under my bed of all places. Litter boxes are always clean. I've tried to give him some soupy food, but he won't have any of it. I may try some finely ground partly boiled hamburg or mushed up fish. I'm at my wits end and so stressed. I'll be bringing him back to the Vet tomorrow because I don't feel they gave him enough sub q. The tech only did it for 5 or so minutes. I wasn't told how many mil. I'm frightened to do sub q at home by myself. I'm scared Tobi might not bounce back this time. I'm even considering a 2nd opinion.

I am aware of Tanya's CKD website and read everything.

Can anyone make any suggestions?? Thanks in advance for any help. I truly could use some comfort as my heart is heavy.

I hate being solicited. I couldn't tell you how many times I've been bothered, even after placing "No Soliciting" signs on both sides of my property drive entrance. Along with No Trespassing, Private Property. I have a large property.

Of late, now it's text messages and mail. In particular, real estate folks of all walks. How'd they get my cell phone number? For the mailings I simply have the carrier send them back, refused. Text messages I block and delete. Never contact or acknowledge these folks btw. Now I've never ever mentioned I was interested in selling to anyone. Not even a thought.

Wondering if there was some kind of underhanded deal taking place at the property tax office I called to inquire. Nope, but RE folks possibly have a data base they can tap into. No, there's no widows(ers) list either.

So I thought I'd share, particularly for those alone, property records are public and can be pulled up online for anyone to see. Being uncomfortable and feeling unsafe, the clerk suggested they remove all pictures of my property from online viewing. I immediately agreed and so appreciated his cooperation. The public may see the address of where I live and other records on my property, but without any pictures. After all, it's my private property and I don't need strangers seeing what I own or bothering me. All one needs to do is ask for the pictures to be removed.

Hope this helps others here in some safety.

Many of us are left alone, not by choice I'm sure, at least shortly after our spouse passes. Doesn't matter our age, but it is a major concern nonetheless. Neighbors oftentimes don't care or aren't nearby. Acquaintances you deal with are just acquaintances no matter how long you've known them. Families aren't always understanding. While many have grown children, they may be far away and have their own lives or don't feel the need to check on you. Some are too embarrassed to mention their kids don't bother with them. Even if you try your best to reach out for any help in society, sometimes it's a lost cause. Our world today is full of uncaring folks, let alone any small act of kindness. Yet one day, everyone will be in our shoes during their life.

Are you troubled you may die alone and not be found until sometime later? Do you know that it would be a hazmat team that would collect your remains?

Not everyone is able to get or has a medical alert system. Many communities don't have a wellness check system that contacts you. How many of you have reached out to your community officials to inquire if any program exists for those alone? I encourage you to do so for your own peace of mind.

It was mentioned in another Reddit post recently, that those alone may start our own well checks on each other, even if by text. I found someone had done such years ago on Reddit, but no longer exists. If I'm wrong, someone please correct me. Granted one could create a new community for this very cause if they're able to. One could also start a website, blog, or other means of public awareness for those alone.

Although elderly, I've been active in my community this past year trying to bring forth humanity. The progress is slow, but I keep going and hopeful. There are many software programs public officials can use, but the hindrance is always about the cost. Seems everything is always about money whether it's good for the community or not.

I want to share the one free program I found, that's better than nothing, for anyone alone. It's basic. I'm not promoting it understand. Simply sharing. It's called "SNUG". You download the app, pick the time for a daily well check text, and provide an emergency contact. Simple. I believe only available in the US. Like I said, better than nothing. Hope this helps others here. Please share any other free resources or information that would be helpful for any of us. Thanks in advance.

NOTE - Always be respectful and kind to those in need. No ugly replies. We are all hurting in our grief.

Early 70s, 22 months after husband's sudden passing, alone and feeling miserable today. I keep as busy as possible, but I tire so fast. My body doesn't work the way it used to a few years ago and all this painful grief is wearing me out. So many things have gone wrong. So many unfinished projects left to complete from my husband, and sorting all his tools and belongings, it's overwhelming most times. Then the house, yard, vehicle and farm equipment maintenance to tend to. I pray to God constantly to at least give me a somewhat healthy body so I can accomplish these tasks, but it hasn't happened.

I like where I live and it's paid for. I've been doing yard work for 3 weeks, forcing the motivation mainly because it is somewhat refreshing to be outdoors on the nice days as it does help with my mood and seeing the rewards of my labor. Mulching, trimming trees and bushes left unattended for 2 years. I do a section at a time, but sometimes other things take priority and then they need my attention. I hate mowing and weeding so I've been spraying weed kill to lessen my load, but that stuff ain't cheap and you need calm days to do it which doesn't happen too often here as I live on high terrain with many acres. Only 4 that I maintain. Rest is pastures.

Today I was on a roll spraying, (4th time) mainly cuz I want to be finished with weeds and rains coming in again Wednesday, plus enjoying being out in the sun, then WHAM, I got the tractor and full sprayer stuck and wore myself out trying to get unstuck. I screamed to the void at my husband for leaving me stranded and not being here to help with all this workload I have. After an hour I quit, left it stuck, hobbled in the house, every body part wrenched with pain and crashed on the couch in tears. So mad at myself, my life, my body, but hopeful tomorrow I can get some help to pull them out. Many things need 2 people to do but when you're solo, you try to one it the best you can, not anticipating a problem. I've experience in maintaining most things here for years, but never solo like now. It's so damn hard and rips at your spirit. I've always been proud of how kempt I've kept my property and many compliment me, but I've spent many years past in plantings, seeding, liming, and upkeep from the eroded clay it was 25 years ago. I don't let the grass get very high due to a possible snake and mice. Pasture rats are the worst!! Certainly can't afford a lawn care service, but actively attempting to get someone to help. No one wants to do manual labor and most don't possess tools. I've had too many of mine broken and I quit offering. Friends disappeared early on. All my relatives are in other states, and my husband's were trash even before he died. We did just about everything together as most here also did. I've reached out to my community and no luck. Everyone is too busy or just plain don't care. So it's all on me, even though it takes me 4x longer to do anything. I just needed to vent, sorry. It's been a bad day. Hoping things get better tomorrow. 🙏