r/widowed

My Michael passed at home. I went to work Wednesday night and when I got home Thursday morning he was gone. The next thing I knew our home was filled with strangers. The only thing I asked was to let me see him before he left just 1 more time.

When he was ready they came and got me from the room I was in. I gave him kisses and kisses and more kisses and lots of hugs. I also pet his hair back from his forehead.

I told him how much I loved him over and over and thanked him for loving me and for the beautiful life he gave me. Then I told him I didn’t want to but I had to say goodbye.

Now I have flashes where I see him laying on that thing looking like he’s asleep. Please tell me I’m not alone.

It’s almost the 3rd anniversary of my husband’s death after 27 years together, married for a few weeks short of 26 years. I feel as stuck in my grief as I ever was, even with grief counseling, good friends and my kids. I see my kids still struggling and that breaks my heart.

I see how hard they have it so I have promised them not to move until the youngest has graduated from high school. But I feel really stuck right now and i would love to move on with my life, move to a smaller, more manageable place, get a different job maybe in a new city. But what ties me down brings them comfort. They miss him as much as I do !

What is fair for me and for them ? I’m lonely and sad. They are lonely and sad but in different ways. They need stability ; I need a new start.

i’m 24f and i feel furious he died from cancer last year. my fiancé was the kindest man i’d ever met. our relationship felt so perfect and safe until cancer came and destroyed everything we planned for our future.

when he got sick, i gave him everything i had. i stayed strong for him even when i was falling apart. i barely slept, ate, and lived every day terrified that something would happen to him. my entire life revolved around protecting him and keeping him alive. it was always him before me.

he kept promising me we’d make it through this. he promised me that once he got better, we’d finally get married and live the life we want but he died, and now i’m the one left here carrying all of this pain alone.

i’m angry because i sacrificed so much just for him to still leave me anyway. i’m angry because i stayed awake panicking and trying to save him while slowly destroying myself in the process, and none of it mattered in the end.

people say the person who dies is the one who suffers the most, but honestly i think being the one left behind is worse. he died once, but i feel like i die over and over again every single day. i relive everything constantly. the hospital memories, the fear, the helplessness, the moment i lost him. it never stops. and the worst part is that instead of healing, i feel like grief is slowly consuming me more each day.

i feel horrible for being angry at him because i know he fought as hard as he could. i know he didn’t choose to leave me. but i can’t stop feeling abandoned anyway. i just want to know if anyone else has ever felt this kind of anger?

Grief stood outside my door, her presence growing harder to ignore.
For I had seen her out there before, unsure of what I was waiting for.
Eventually, I let her in.
She softly said, "darling, where do I begin?"
Not sure how long this meeting would last,
we sat and talked about the past.
And with that being said,
tears were surely shed.
But she gently held my hand,
and suddenly, each feeling became easier to understand.
While time no longer seemed to exist,
"will you stay longer?" I insist.
Silly me, not to have invited you in before-
now I place a "welcome, grief" mat at my door.
❤️‍🩹

L.J.A

Last week I lost my soulmate (31f) to DRESS syndrome. It was very sudden, it was diagnosed on 5th and she passed away on 10th. Those 5 days changed my entire life for the worst. She was the purest form of human beings, she didn’t have a selfish bone in her body. In a very short lifespan, she had achieved what I couldn’t have imagined in multiple lifetimes, she was an aerospace engineer. She was extremely humble and kind. I was nothing when she chose me, she built me, made me stand on my feet. We did our Masters in the same year. Mine was comparatively 1000 times easier. She used to study her own stuff, then she used to study my subjects and teach me. She helped me with my thesis. She prepped me for interviews day and night and made sure that I get a job in the same company as hers. (one of the bests in the world/ I couldn’t even dream of getting into it). She would take driving lessons and then come home and teach me everything she learnt. Thats how I learned to drive a car. In 7 years, we never had an argument, we never had a fight. Her entire world revolved around me. We come from conservative families, her parents didn’t like me because we were not from the same belief. She chose me over her family. She was a very independent person, she never liked anyone else to do anything for her. Even on her last day (when she didn’t have any energy left) she was trying not to disturb the nurse. The doctors told her that her liver has failed, there was no sign of panic on her face. Her body was in the worst condition, she could only say a few words during those 5 days. Those words were “did you eat anything” “did my parents eat anything”. During the time at hospital, her parents me for the first time, they accepted me. That was the last thing she saw before they put her on ventilator. That was the moment she was waiting for since 2021. Our blood groups were same, I could have given my liver to her but the doctors said that she needs a full liver, not partial, even on her last day, she didn’t take anything from me. I didn’t see her after they put her on ventilator, I didn’t even go to attend her funeral, I didn’t take care of her parents. I chose to protect my brain from an undying memory of her not responding to me. I acted selfishly. It has been 7 days today, every second feels like years. I am making up stories 24/7 about how I could have saved her. I often used to say that I got the best deal in the world. I used to tell my friends that you guys all have normal wands, I have elder wand. I felt so proud that I was loved by someone like her. It almost felt like someone did black magic on her to fall in love with me. I am the most ordinary person. I feel like noone ever experienced love like this, hence noone would ever understand my pain. My family is telling me move on quickly.

When someone says, she would not have wanted to see you like this, I know that. That’s why it is unbearable.

I don’t believe in God or afterlife. Never made sense to me, but I would have every cell of my body peeled off to spend one more life with her. Sadly there is no way.

I’m 13 weeks pregnant. At 7 weeks I lost my beloved husband - we also have a 12, 9, and 6 year old. He passed while we were on vacation, saving two of my children from a rip current. The trauma my family went through is unfathomable. He was the most involved father - coached every sport. He is the love of my life, my safest space. I’ve been so sick with the pregnancy but that pain doesn’t pale in comparison to my grief. I don’t want comments that note people are sorry for me. Has anyone been here and gotten to the other side of pain? This pain is beyond heartbreak - and doesn’t feel sustainable for any kind of life. I need to hear stories of someone who has walked through this to the other side and found some semblance of joy. Not death of parents, death of a spouse with a young family. Thank you.

[removed]

41M, lost wife at 44F 372 days ago. Had a son born sleeping 10 years ago.

Next month, I’ll be going away for the first time since she died. No noise, no chaos, no guidance, no miasma of grief waiting for me at home, I finally get to stop showing up, I get to stop performing. This is not a holiday to build memories or see sights, just a chance to be remote and reflect without influence or noise.

I need out from it all. From losing my wife, I’ve gone from arranging her funeral, dealing with the things in her name, finding the balance between brutality and sentiment with losing and keeping her belongings, finding and moving home, struggling to deal with anniversaries and firsts without her, combatting SAD, just to name a few things.

And all this within work, who have been merciful in rejecting my notice which I handed in days before she passed, allowing me to return, using nearly all bereavement and holiday pay - because that was financially necessary at the time - given me more hours on my contract so I can get by easier, but as a consequence of having little authorised holiday, I’m burnt out, my fuse is getting shorter and even though I got my releases in football, gigs and running, I have never truly switched off. I’m blessed to have the network I have; my friends, my family, her family, her friends who I still speak to, they’ve been a valuable crutch between them but it’s me that has to fight and face the day, they can’t do that for me, I can’t ask that of them.

I guess what I’m asking is (if this makes sense)- what can I ask myself? Because I don’t know where to start.

I know I should be at work right now but instead I’m in bed being lost and broken. I just couldn’t stop crying today so I never got the sleep I needed to drive 1&1/2 hours to work then do a 12 hour shift all night then the same drive back home to another day without Michael. I just don’t know how to be without him.

I lost my soulmate last month and I feel as if I didn’t appreciate everything he did for me. How does one deal with this?

I know he did so much but I don’t think I let him know just how much I appreciate it. It’s now tearing me apart.

I really don’t know how to cover this all, but I’ll try.

In 2020, At 29, my husband died overseas. I was there alone as it was during Covid and we worked for the military. After he died I spent a few days alone because Covid in this country was tough. I had to get military clearance to get family there, so I started the process with my sister. I didn’t know, or maybe didn’t catch it, but she invited my mother.

When my mom and sister got there, I had about 7 business days to clear my husband from the military, ship my stuff home, sell 2 cars, clear casket/embalming and ship him home, get two dogs home, and honestly I’m sure some more. Those few days that they were there my sister helped endlessly. She tiptoed to make sure she wasn’t overstepping, she cooked, she cleaned, and she helped. My mom spent that time playing candy crush. I remember vividly two quotes ‘wow this is flying by so fast!,’ and something along the lines of can’t wait to be home to watch judge Judy. She didn’t cook once. I’ll never forget carrying around a binder and flying through this experience without having actual time to be sad. I couldn’t afford it.

Fast forward a few years, I’m a homeowner. My mother was a co-signer so I could get a fair interest rate, though the only cost she gifted was the inspection. I went through two floods, an unregisterable car that is out of my control, and a 2021 vehicle that needed $6K of repairs. I found myself needing $50K to fix my cars and house to survive.

When I told my mom I wasn’t sure how I could survive and that I need to sell my house, she said ‘I didn’t know it was this bad.’ And kind of left it at that. I asked everyone in my family for a dumpster rental as help anytime someone asked if I needed anything, but never pushed because it’s not anyone’s responsibility but mine.

My job let me go around this time and I kind of fell apart. I paid my mortgage for about a year without being there because it was dilapidating. My lovely family-less boyfriend went through a job change so I was out working with him when I got a text from my mother in law.

Something along the lines of ‘it’s so heartbreaking - I’ll take care of his things.’

My mother had given my husbands ashes, his badge, and the very few things I kept for myself. For some context, I gave his family his clothes, I packed ashes into gifts for every single person, I spent $5K on his family camping on their land for the services, I gave his flag that the spouse receives to them, I gave them EVERYTHING. I kept a small amount to love and to cherish.

When I confronted my mom, I told her how much it hurts. When I asked my mother in law for it back, she just said it’s something we can talk about but she supports what my mom did. When I asked my sister, she said it makes sense.

Another random context, my house was molding in my basement from flooding and my husbands things were upstairs, safely, on top of a shelf where I always kept them. I can see them walking in my door.

I can’t afford therapy. I can’t afford anything. But I can’t seem to get by this. Every night I sit awake thinking about this. Every night my stomach sits in agony and I can’t get through.

I don’t think I will ever forgive my mother. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive my mother in law. I want to forgive my sister. But I can’t seem to be well enough to even have that conversation.

Any advice helps. I appreciate it.