r/widowed

Background: today I met with my new city librarian. My community encompasses about 100k people. Our public library is fairly large and holds a lot of info. But to both the librarian and myself, we were shocked as to how little books on grief they hold. So she requested I compose a listing of books for her to order and "get up to speed" in that topic section. She didn't want to bother with inter library loaned books.

As a plus, she asked for my help in establishing a community loss of a spouse support group since we have no current support groups in the community. Grief Share is not an option as she wants people to not feel as though religion is being pushed on them. I'm beyond thrilled.

So if you can provide some good grief book titles and authors you think would be helpful, I'd surely appreciate it. I only know of a few. Thanks in advance!! 🫂

It has been over 9 months since my wife died, and I lost my appetite.I'm completely Done with this I hate life.I hate it and miss my wife so bad.Why do I have to be here

Anhedonia - is the inability or reduced ability to experience pleasure from activities that are normally enjoyable.

I will keep this part brief: M76, 4 years ago I lost my husband of 40 years to a spinal cord aneurism. Lucid, coma (no visits - covid), 4 days... think Stephen Hawking - literally the ICU Dr. said that to me over the phone, DNR, end of life visit.  If you are a member of this sub, you have your own version of the same crappy story. All that and I feel *fantastic*!

Without a word of a lie, some form of veil is lifting and letting in light.   Up until three months ago I was well on  my way to being a recluse.   Hey, 5 days in detox (1.5 years ago) helped a lot but I  still craved isolation.   

Here is the meat of the changes I am experiencing right now as I write this posting.    

**House** \- I have a let my house go. Nothing major.  Leaky faucet... use the other sink. That sort of thing.  The cleaning lady keeps it clean.  I just lost interest.   
I have hired a handy man and made of list of 9 items that I want addressed.  Hell, I plan to live here for at at least the next 7 years i May as well have it working properly.

**Work** \- I volunteered for 5 years at our local hospital ER. Then stopped for 4 years (guess why?). 
I have been retrained and yesterday was my first day back.  I love it.  I am needed, not invisible.  

**Reading** \- I went from 1 book a week to zero.  
I just signed up to Kindle unlimited and want to read again not watch short attention span YouTube.  

**Writing** \- I thurely enjoyed writing short stories. Then I just lost interest.  
This document that you are reading is my second multi hundred word document i have written in 4 years.  Quick email or (god forbid) text sure, but the joy was gone. And now it is back.  

**Dog** \- Brodie - He saved my life. Plain and simple.  My favored sister stayed at with me thru really bad roller-coaster that Gary's death initiated. Multi week long visits, each time bringing her 10 year old, fully trained, "head turningly gorgeous"  Morkie lapdog (Yorkshire/Maltese).  *She gifted me her dog*. I remember verbatim her saying "you need him more than I do".  Man, was she right.  Hell of a sister eh?

I close this post with tears in my eyes.  I want you 'newbies' in this sub to read: your mental health will get better.  I want to convey to the 2 -3 year crowd that: Hell I don't know...  I just remember that the 2nd year was a bitch.  

Love and support to each and everyone who, like me, was forced into this awful, awful reality.  

Notcommentmuch

Edit: I should tell you that our 44th anniversary was 6 months ago. It sparked me to get off my emotional ass and get going. This is my start. I am proud of myself.

Grief Sucks, I want my Husband back 😭

I became a widow, but that sentence doesn’t come close to explaining what I lost.
I was married for over twenty years. We had a life that was imperfect, complicated, familiar and ours. He was my husband, my history, my routine, the person who knew the versions of me that existed before the rest of the world ever saw them.
And then he died.
People understand that you grieve the person. What I wasn’t prepared for was grieving who I was with him.
I was a wife. I belonged to a we. There was someone who knew where I was going, who would be there when I came home, who remembered the stupid little stories and understood references nobody else would understand. Even when marriage was frustrating or difficult, there was still an us.
Then suddenly there was only me.
And grief hasn’t made me into the quiet, dignified widow people like to imagine.
I’ve been lonely. Angry. Reckless. Sexual. Curious. Desperate for connection and sometimes desperate just to feel something other than grief.
Sex after losing my husband has been one of the strangest parts of this. My body didn’t die when he did. Desire didn’t disappear because I was grieving. Sometimes sex has been about pleasure. Sometimes validation. Sometimes loneliness. Sometimes wanting to feel wanted. Sometimes wanting to escape my own head for a few hours.
And afterward, I’m still a widow.
I’ve flirted. I’ve dated. I’ve made questionable decisions. I’ve discovered parts of my sexuality I didn’t explore during my marriage. I’ve wanted attention from men and then wondered why their attention mattered so much to me. I’ve had moments where I barely recognize the woman making these choices.
But maybe that’s because I’m looking for the woman I used to be.
She’s gone too.
I’m beginning to understand that I don’t have to become her again.
I loved my husband. I can miss him terribly and still want sex. I can treasure twenty years of marriage and still want another man to look at me. I can laugh, travel, flirt, screw up, go dancing, stay out too late, cry the next morning and still be grieving.
None of those things cancel the others out.
Maybe widowhood isn’t about “moving on.” Maybe it’s learning how to carry an entire life behind you while slowly building one in front of you.
I don’t know exactly who I’m becoming yet.
I’m 53 years old, starting over in ways I never asked to start over, and some days I’m doing it beautifully. Other days I’m an absolute fucking mess.
But I’m still here.
If another widow is reading this and wondering why grief has made them lonely, sexual, angry, impulsive, adventurous, terrified—or simply different from the person they used to be—I hope you know you’re not the only one trying to figure this out.
Neither am

Widowed at 27, with a 6 week old baby. (I lost the LOVE OF MY LIFE) 💔

I lost my husband in a tragic accident 2 months ago. He just turned 28. Together since 15, my best friend and soul mate. We were so happy and inlove. I have no regrets as we were so natural and real together, nothing that wasn't shared.

I am in survival currently, somehow coping and 'doing' each day. I know I need to be a happy mama to be a good mama for our boy. He'd want that and I want to make him proud. I have a lifetime ahead to grieve my husband.

The future feels scary and unknown without him. Financially I'll be okay, I worry more about raising our son without him though (emotionally). If anyone has experience on raising a son without a dad I'd love to hear tips on how your supported your child.

Luckily I love to document life, and have videos and pictures of him, also with his son in the early weeks which is a gift to have and share with our son.

I thought I knew heartbreak until I lost the love of my life. I thought I loved roadtrips and rivers until I realized I loved road trips and rivers with him by my side... life is sadly unfair.

I hope this is OK to repost here, otherwise, kindly let me know.

A former colleague of mine lost her husband a few months ago. He died suddenly and unexpectedly in his sleep while he was abroad. She was at home and found out over the phone. He was only in his early fifties.

About four weeks after his death, I gave birth to my first child. My husband and I are, of course, overjoyed and have settled happily into life as a family. We sent her a photo to let her know about the birth, and she replied very kindly, asking us to arrange a walk together once we had settled in.

(I’m including these details because I imagine that losing your husband in such a sudden and unexpected way, while he was abroad, must have been particularly traumatic, and I feel that this makes the situation more difficult.)

We had met socially a few times before and like each other very much, but we aren’t close friends. We all know one another, though, and my husband and I both attended the funeral. She knows my husband because they had professional dealings with each other, and he worked in the same industry as her late husband, so their paths crossed from time to time.

I would now like to message her and ask whether she would still like to meet for a walk. I struggle a little in socially challenging situations like this. I want to strike the right tone both in my message and during the walk. I want to ask her about her life and give her space to talk, without going on about our happy new family life. The most difficult time in her life is coinciding with the happiest time in ours.

My question is: If you’ve been in a similar situation, how did you support the grieving person or interact with them? As a person who grieved, what helped you—and what should people avoid saying or doing? What are things I should absolutely avoid?

Thank you for your help. 🙏

Like I still cry and get lonely and sad and depressed some but not as much anymore. Today I visited her grave and didnt even tear up. I suppose thats normal but I cried on way home.

But day to day I feel like lately my most normal self as feeling blah and empty?

Like I work and take care of kid and do nothing else. I talk to friends and rarely hang out. I have 0 desire to date still. Im told thats normal.

I just feel like im on auto pilot and without as much emotions as before. I feel thats even worse than when I cried every day and was counting the days. Idk.

My husband died 6 years ago. I really haven't dated since. I did spend time with a friend about 11 months from his death, but it really was just a comfort measure. He was freshly divorced and I was freshly grieving. It helped me heal, him as well. But he was not the type of person I would live with or have a life with. I'm lonely now. I would like to date but would honestly rather date a widow. Someone who would understand I want to talk about my childrens father - not forget he existed. I have this delusional fantasy that I will find a man who I click with, and we will together have space in our home to honor our late spouses. Crazy... I know. I think my kids are ok with me dating - I wonder if its too late. Im 55 btw.

So, she died in 2008.

from cancer. melanoma. She left me with a 4 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. And I changed who I was. I was the protector of my kids.

I gave up all my ambitions, because I loved them so much. Raising them to be good and loving and smart and everything was more important than my ambitions. I chose to be a teacher at their school, so that I could be with them. I thought if I worked somewhere else, my kids wouldn't see me or interact with someone who cared about them as their primary concern. And they didn't have the presence of their mother. So I taught at their school for 10 years, until they graduated. And then I taught at my daughters high school. But my kids thought this was normal.

And no one has ever said anything. I feel so marginalized. I don't think anyone knows what I've done. Maybe it's true, I've done nothing. But I would give my life for my children.

BTW, I created this sub. I try to moderate. But this is me.

Does anyone else feel guilty or like you have “cheated” when having a “good” day?

I just feel so much guilt today and realized that it’s just not fair that this wonderful good man isn’t here to enjoy it also. I rarely have good days but today is ok.

I am a 19 year old guy so I don’t know much, sorry if I sound insensitive, I am autistic, I was just wondering if according to that I should marry young or older. A 40 year old guy marrying a 20 year old woman would ensure he technically has a 90% chance to die before her, if a woman dies before her husband he would most likely feel more sadness than the opposite if he lost her, not to shame women but that’s biological, men love deep as a coping mechanism since men in nature are disposable (1 men can impregnant 100 women) while women are inherently valuable since they carry life, with that logic a man that “obtains” a woman is incredibly happier than the opposite since he gets to have a a chance to pass his genes compared to his wife that could have been in a polygamous relationship with another guy in nature; she also had to biologically be able to adapt to her husband dying in hunting which was quite common.

This fact makes widows generally feel happier than widowers, we often hear stories of widowers ending their own life or being depressed, but for widows life often just goes on normally since they have more emotional intelligence, less reliance on sex and often a better social network, therefore what would be optimal would be for guys to die first.

Now that I'm alone, (2 years), I've been worried I'd die and wouldn't be found for some time. There is no wellness check technology in my community. I've spent the past few months meeting with my community officials to try and institute such a program for those that live alone and basically have no one who checks on them. Been given many lame excuses and no progress to date, although we did have such a program sometime in the past.

Sadly, my out of state brother passed away recently and it was over two weeks later before someone took notice. Such a horrible heartbreak. I bury him next week.

A couple months ago, out of nowhere, I received information on a free alternative. Not perfect, but helps your confidence level. By surprise recently, I found they are on Reddit as u/snugsafety. It's so simple to use.

Now I'm not promoting them in any way, but I've been extremely active in my community spreading the word and it's amazing to me how receptive anyone or business I've approached has been! Everywhere from my library, to my attorney, dentist, doctor, and all those officials I met with. I'm not done yet. The most disappointing was my Council on Aging who felt most of their seniors wouldn't be interested and displayed a lack of caring. Shame on them! Solved that by visiting some of the local senior centers and surprise! They were thrilled I came by with the informational postcards.

While most of the world could care less about anyone other than themself, us in widowhood can use all the help and caring we can get! One small act of kindness can do wonders for someone alone, even while we're grieving. I have regained some confidence back in myself.

I hope this info is helpful to others here. 🫂🙏

Her death was expected so I had time for some preparation. Hospice helped by explaining that they referred to her dying as 'transitioning'. As a Christian I believe that she was transitioning in spirit. It's only been a week since she died but it feels like a month. I'm still in shock and I miss her terribly. I feel lost without her presence and I just don't know what to do with myself. I find myself talking to her but I don't know if that's healthy or if it's normal and others do it too.

I met her at a hospital where we both worked and I fell in love with her instantly. There IS such a thing as love at first sight. I met her on a Monday, took her on a date Wednesday, and she came home with me that night and never left. I would have never guessed that Wednesday night would turn into a 47 year date.  Friday we went to a popular Mexican bar with live Tejano music. After a healthy dose of margaritas I asked her to marry me. She was thrilled, said yes, and we drove to Mexico to get married. Oddly enough this just happened to be on Groundhog's Day. Over time this made for a lot of jokes and weird anniversary cards. We were married by a Mexican justice of the peace in Nuevo Laredo. I don't think either Claire or I understood the proceedings because it was in Spanish. But they assured us we were now married so we drove back to Corpus Christi as husband and wife. As time went on we started a business together, bought a house, traveled, and gave birth to the most beautiful son parents could ever hope for. Life was busy, messy, often hard, and there were difficult times as with any marriage. Despite the occasional argument or disagreement we were always loyal to one another, willing to compromise, and stayed deeply in love for nearly half a century.

As we got older, illness began to take its toll. I developed cancer and Claire had a massive stroke which eventually killed her. We did our best to care for each other in sickness while rejoicing in their health. Death has parted our ways but only temporarily. Jesus has offered us eternal life where Claire and I will be reunited.

I lost my wife of 24 years this week. Glioblastoma brain cancer. Brutal fucking cancer. Fought it for almost two years. I realized after the funeral that for the last two years I've been grieving the loss of my sick wife but until her funeral I hadn't really grieved the loss of my healthy wife. When she got sick, she wasn't the same because of the brain trauma from the tumor. She was still sweet and loving, but more of a childlike version. I cared for her nonstop for the entire time. Never left her side for more than a couple hours occasionally. I am trying to forget how she was sick but I'm now remembering that I lost who she was healthy. It's been a rough few days. Even with our teenage kids with me, I still feel alone. We were together for 30 years, almost 2/3 of our lives. Mostly inseparable. I don't know how to be alone.

# I’m 75 and a widower. I would like a companion to chat with. I’m lonely and stay in my house a lot.

My fiance passed away a couple weeks ago. We would have been married in a couple of months. I would like to change my last name to his because he was so excited for that and we were so so excited to marry one another in general. I have two sons who do not have the same last name as me, and then two would be step daughters (still my daughters as far as everyone is concerned) who I would share a last name with. Are there any downsides to consider when making this choice? It feels like one or the very few things I CAN still do to honor our bond and what would have been our future and family together.

My wife died a little over 9 months ago 44. Why does it feel like I'm being punished? I'm in misery living in hell every day since my wife died, and nothing's helping it all I do is cry. My wife's wife. And I have to stay in this stupid world without her, why?Why did my wife die

So I (40/m) found out this week that my ex-wife of 7 years (39/f) passed away. We were together for 12 years (7 of them married). We had an amicable divorce four years ago, but she was also emotionally cold, financially abusive, and likely emotionally cheating at the time of separation.

I've learned to forgive early, along with radical acceptance, and severed contact with her family and her friends. I found myself and reconnected with people since then, even with a new partner and later, a baby. I moved on.

I received a text from one of her friends, and broke the news.

Of course, I am grieving a bit - both the good and bad memories have taken over and will never get the closure I thought I would have (I conceded that I wouldn't get it at all) and while I haven't talked to her or her family or friends, I thought if I sent flowers and a card, I can at least be compassionate and can achieve that level of closure.

While I grieve for her friends and family (and my friends who took my ex-wife as one of theirs), I know that I can only do so much - which is really the bare minimum. My partner, thankfully, has been empathetic and has supported this path, knowing that it's the only thing I intend to do.

I will not attend any services (not that anyone will disclose that), nor will I seek to reconnect. Just gratitude for 12 years as part of the family. WIBTA if I do this one act and walk away?