u/Majestic-Prompt9963

I hope this is OK to repost here, otherwise, kindly let me know.

A former colleague of mine lost her husband a few months ago. He died suddenly and unexpectedly in his sleep while he was abroad. She was at home and found out over the phone. He was only in his early fifties.

About four weeks after his death, I gave birth to my first child. My husband and I are, of course, overjoyed and have settled happily into life as a family. We sent her a photo to let her know about the birth, and she replied very kindly, asking us to arrange a walk together once we had settled in.

(I’m including these details because I imagine that losing your husband in such a sudden and unexpected way, while he was abroad, must have been particularly traumatic, and I feel that this makes the situation more difficult.)

We had met socially a few times before and like each other very much, but we aren’t close friends. We all know one another, though, and my husband and I both attended the funeral. She knows my husband because they had professional dealings with each other, and he worked in the same industry as her late husband, so their paths crossed from time to time.

I would now like to message her and ask whether she would still like to meet for a walk. I struggle a little in socially challenging situations like this. I want to strike the right tone both in my message and during the walk. I want to ask her about her life and give her space to talk, without going on about our happy new family life. The most difficult time in her life is coinciding with the happiest time in ours.

My question is: If you’ve been in a similar situation, how did you support the grieving person or interact with them? As a person who grieved, what helped you—and what should people avoid saying or doing? What are things I should absolutely avoid?

Thank you for your help. 🙏

Meine ehemalige Arbeitskollegin hat vor ein paar Monaten ihren Ehemann verloren. Er verstarb plötzlich und unerwartet über Nacht während eines Auslandaufenthaltes, sie war zuhause und hat per Telefon davon erfahren. Er war in seinen frühen 50ern.

Etwa vier Wochen nach seinem Tod habe ich mein erstes Kind geboren. Mein Mann und ich sind natürlich überglücklich und angekommen in unserem Familienglück. Wir haben ihr zur Geburt ein Foto mit den Neuigkeiten übermittelt, und sie hat uns sehr nett geantwortet, und uns gebeten, wenn wir uns eingelebt haben, ein Treffen auszumachen und spazieren zu gehen.

(So viele Details deshalb, weil ich denke, dass das eine zusätzlich traumatisierende Art ist, seinen Mann zu verlieren, und das die Situation irgendwie schwieriger macht.)

Wir haben uns zuvor schon einige Male privat getroffen, mögen uns sehr gerne, sind aber nicht eng befreundet. Wir kennen uns aber alle untereinander, mein Mann und ich waren auch beide auf der Beerdigung. Sie kennt meinen Mann, da sie beruflich miteinander zu tun hatten und er mit ihrem verstorbenen Mann in der selben Branche gearbeitet hat, und man sich da einfach begegnet.

Ich möchte ihr jetzt gerne schreiben, und sie fragen, ob sie sich zu einem Spaziergang verabreden möchte. Ich habe in sozial herausfordernden Situationen so meine Probleme. Ich möchte sowohl bei der Nachricht, als auch während des Spazierengehens den richtigen Ton treffen und ihr auch Fragen zu ihrem Leben stellen, und nicht von meinem Familienglück schwärmen - hier trifft die schwerste Zeit im Leben von ihr auf die schönste Zeit im Leben von uns…

Meine Frage an euch: Wie seid ihr in ähnlichen Situationen für jemanden da gewesen/mit jemandem umgegangen? Kennt derartige Situationen vielleicht als Trauernde/r, und könnt sagen, was euch geholfen hat oder was man vermeiden soll?

Danke für eure Hilfe 🙏

I have seen this show so many times since it originally aired, I have lost count.

Thing is, I’m a new mom. It’s a boy, so not an Emma. “Baby Got Back” snuck up on me… it’s somehow ingrained in my brain and connected to making babies laugh, so sometimes when I play with my son, I sing it. Let me tell you, HE. LOVES. IT. Laughs every time.

Today it happened in public for the first time, and I think everyone around me considered calling child protective services. The audience is partly to blame, cause how do you not know that’s from Friends!? But still…

I’m used to awkwardness, I reference TV Shows ten times a week with little to no response (uncultured swine!), but I wanted to disappear so badly.

Random Friends-fandom issues, I guess…

I know there has been a lot of discussion about Rory getting into Harvard over Paris, but I didn’t mind that aspect, cause she was top of her class and Paris tanked the interview, it’s reasonable to me that Harvard would frown upon that enough to reject her.

I just really, really think ASP missed a great opportunity there to have Rory (and also Lorelai) fail badly at an over-glorified life goal. This would have added so much to her character and made her storyline a bit more believable (even as a valedictorian, getting into EVERY ivy league school is a bit much). I just wanted to see her struggle somewhere, at something for more than five minutes. Also, her choosing Yale (which I know they had to do for the plot) would have been more believable, instead of all of a sudden realising that Yale, instead of her life long dream school she knew everything about, offers better fitting classes.

I also think that - had the interview gone better - it would have been so great for Paris to get into Harvard (well deserved, that child didn’t have a minute of spare time!) and then deliberately choosing Yale to spite her family and their legacy and find her own path (her family sounded god awful).

To be fair, this is the kind of thing you think of after the millionth rewatch, and ASP had to come up with these storylines kinda on the spot, so I don’t blame her for these smaller details.

I think people fall for Dean because he is extraordinarily devoted to her, genuinely admires and loves Rory, shows up when she needs him to, is hardworking, and makes an effort with Lorelai and the Grandparents - I give him all of that and I see why people like him for it. But the red flags weigh so much heavier IMO…

1) His temper/anger. That’s a big issue for me. He reacts to insecurity with anger: yelling, confrontations, physical aggression toward other guys, even yelling at Rory. The important part isn’t simply “Dean gets angry”; it’s that Rory is repeatedly anxious/apprehensive about his anger and tries to avoid triggering it. She seems anxious about his reactions at times, that’s concerning.

2) The excessive calling. The famous barrage of calls when Rory isn’t available isn’t romantic, it’s anxiety turning into entitlement to someone’s attention. Lorelai literally witnesses that it’s too much for Rory and does nothing - absolutely insane.

3) Controlling, boundary-pushing behaviour. The calling, showing up when Rory EXPLICITLY asked for ONE NIGHT of alone time, demanding explanations and reassurance. His desire to know where he stands frequently overrides Rory’s need for space.

4) His marriage. This is his moral low point: marrying Lindsay while still in love with Rory, cheating on her, lying/minimizing the state of the marriage to Rory, and then directing anger at Lindsay while hiding his own infidelity, only for Lindsay to find Rory’s letter in his jacket. This moves from “insecure teenage boyfriend” territory to absolute douchebag.

Honourable mentions: He got mad at her when a 16 year old (!) Rory didn’t say “I love you” after three months of dating her first boyfriend. It was obvious that she just wasn’t ready, and he pressured her and didn’t care about her insecurities. He behaved like an absolute toddler. Also - him breaking up with her publicly, twice!

Rory was far from perfect, I’m well aware that with Jess showing up, their relationship got complicated and toxic, with her obviously falling for Jess and even kissing him - Rory should have been honest with herself and Dean. But that doesn’t excuse all of Dean’s behaviour for me. He could have just as well confronted her about Jess earlier, not publicly, or even broken up with her instead of resorting to hovering mode.

People seem to defend Dean with “but Jess did this” and “but Rory did that,” as though only one person in a relationship can behave badly at a time. Rory treated Dean unfairly, Jess was often a terrible boyfriend too. Neither makes Dean’s behaviour any less concerning!

I love Emily as a character. She’s funny, intelligent, witty, and some of the show’s best scenes involve her. But as a mother? I honestly think she’s awful.

One thing that has always frustrated me is how often fans blame Lorelai for the breakdown of their relationship while giving Emily a pass because she’s entertaining/a great character for a show.

From what we see throughout the series, Emily is:
- Extremely critical of Lorelai from childhood into adulthood.
- Obsessed with appearances and social status.
- Dismissive of Lorelai’s feelings whenever they conflict with Emily’s expectations - ESPECIALLY Lorelai’s relationships.
- Constantly manipulative (using money, guilt, and obligations to get her way).
- Rarely capable of apologizing or taking accountability.

People often point to Lorelai’s flaws—and she certainly has them—but I think they ignore that Lorelai spent her entire childhood being told, directly and indirectly, that she wasn’t good enough.

What always stands out to me is that even as a successful adult, Lorelai still reverts back to being a hurt teenager whenever she’s around Emily. That’s usually a sign that the wounds never really healed. I think whenever she acts “immature”, we see a young Lorelai that didn’t get the love she needed.

My grandma is a lot like Emily, and while she is an awesome grandma, you most certainly would not want to have her as a Mom - I know my mom at least would rather not.

I think both Emily and Mrs. Kim are examples
of parents who loved a certain idea of their daughters but caused significant emotional damage in not being able to love them as they are. I know there has been a lot of discussion about her, the role is meant to be controversial, but what am I missing? Is it my subjective perspective? Why do so many fans place most or a lot of the blame on Lorelai rather than Emily?