u/Luciel_17

9 months in, and I've never felt more alone than yesterday. I wanted so badly for my husband to be here, to share what happened in my shitty day..my emotions, to be angry and sad with me, to physically be with me, hug me and hold my hand as I cried, to make me feel safe. His presence alone would have been enough. Having friends isn't the same as having someone who knows you on a deeper level, someone who is your person.

On impulse, I downloaded a dating app but hid my account as I'm not fully ready to embark on that journey. Plus, I'm pregnant with our child. No one would really want a grieving widow with a child on the way. But I guess it's not much of a problem since all I do is swipe left. Because all I do is look for my husband's qualities and features. I can't count how many times I've swiped left. I just swipe the second I see a profile. I'm like on autopilot. I guess I'll be deleting this app soon enough.

It's been 261 days since my (35F) husband (33M) died. We've only been together for 5 years, just shy of a month for our 6th. Married for 2 years. We had so many plans.. We didn't have children but always wanted to have them. Before he started treatment, we saved his sperm so i could use it if I wanted to after he passed. I did, and now I am pregnant and I am truly happy as I always wanted to be a mother. But not excited compared to if he was still here.

Whenever I attend my appointments alone and I see happy couples, it breaks my heart and it just cements how much i miss my husband. He's my greatest supporter so I know he would do anything to be with me during this pregnancy. I feel really jealous and bitter seeing happy expecting couples and families. There's also a feeling of embarrassment being in the same waiting room as them, i don't know why, i haven't done anything wrong. It just feels like people judge me and feel sorry that I'm alone. I avoid going outside if not necessary too.

Also, my hormones are all over the place and I observed that my libido has increased again, almost back to normal before he passed. I think about my husband a lot and miss him so much. He's always shown his physical affection for me and maybe it's part of my pregnancy craving, grief, pregnancy or hormones I'm taking, but I constantly want that physical connection back. I don't want anyone else and I don't think I'm in that stage yet but I feel really horrible that I feel this way.

Maybe i've done the pregnancy early in my grief. But i just needed some connection with him still. To continue our life plan without him. Everyone says I'm brave for doing it. I guess I am, but when I'm alone, I feel really lonely. I'm trying not to be too sad or stressed as it's bad for our baby. I end up hating myself at the end of the day..