Too much change
Hi,
First of all I just want to give a shout out to everyone in this subreddit - I see you and am so sorry that you are experiencing this. It’s a shit club that no one asks to be a part of.
I’m 48. My wife passed away last November after an incredibly complex five year spell - I won’t go into detail as I don’t wish to sully her memory or the person she really was. Basically, she had an illness that she couldn’t beat.
I have been left with so much change - the obvious
One being that she is no longer here but I have had to sell our house. I have had an offer on it and I am feeling sick that I have to leave it. I am likely going to move back to my hometown, seek a new job, leave my current job which I love and seek new accommodation. I am fortunate that my mum is still here so am going back to live with her for a few months ago until I get back on my feet. We have an 18 year daughter who is going to University (not too far from where we live) and she thinks it is best for me to move back to my hometown as I have more family, friends there. I am completely torn as I have been a stay at home dad (though I have worked) since she was 1 and it’s normally the kid that moves away, not the parent! I feel sick at the thought that she is staying in the same area yet I am moving. As someone who has never been a big fan of change I am going through as much change as a human should be going through at any one time. To compound this, I’m going back through every moment where I fell short or we had disagreements/arguments. We were not getting on towards the end, we were most likely going to separate and the very last time I saw her up and walking I made a pithy comment about a guy I thought she was still seeing (I didn’t know they had broken up but I was hurting from this relationship happening, hearing conversations between them while I was in the house). I regret the last verbal communication we had and, in turn, I regret every single time I let her down. I did the time but it’s so much stronger now. I just can’t cope with the fact she was so unhappy and I couldn’t right it and in some ways made her more unhappy.