Where am I?
My wife passed away in November 2024. She was sick and refused to go see anyone about it. I didn’t realize how bad things were until the last month or two and even then I was so tired from arguing with her for the previous 8 months I didn’t know what to do.
After she passed. I didn’t have much of a choice in anything. I had to get control of the finances as that was her job (she was a stay at home mom and just plain better at that stuff than me). I had to help get my daughter thru senior year of high school. I had a job to maintain. I play music as a hobby but the project had shows booked so I couldn’t let those fall thru. I got blasted with a heavy dose of widows fire and have had to navigate that. I had an Afib incident and have since struggled with weight and hypertension. That was year one.
I’ve since joined other bands. I’ve made new friends. I’ve managed my fire in some less than savory ways but I have survived. Im currently training for a full marathon after having run an 8k and a half marathon already this year. I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter. By all outward appearances my life is pretty good.
But I feel so much guilt. And confusion. Sometimes I don’t even know how I made it here. The life I have versus the life we had feels so wildly different. I still cry. I miss her every day. I still feel like I don’t know how to reconcile all of this. It never feels real. I don’t know if I’m doing all this extra stuff to run away from it all or if this is just how I cope.
Sorry. This is really ramble-y. I think I just needed this to go somewhere where people would understand. This sub was invaluable during the early days. Thanks for reading.