I’m backsliding
I’ve (f62) been clinically depressed since my pre-teen years. No one can tell me kids can’t suffer from it. I lived it. I’m still living it.
So on top of that can of worms my husband (m60) died. Very suddenly one evening while we were watching tv. It was quick, I’m glad for him. That evening has compounded my PTSD exponentially.
But I’m backsliding in my grief for him. It will be 3 years soon and I’m in denial all over again. I see him around every corner.
I’m in therapy (had been once a month for the last 15 years) every 2 weeks now, down from twice weekly for awhile, and see a psychiatrist monthly. I’m on 4 meds for the MDD, serious anxiety, panic disorder, something called trauma stressor disorder, guess that came with the upgrade to my PTSD. ADHD which is still exhausting even with the med, not adderal.
But I’ve plateaued. I took the genetic test for med levels and whatever. I’ve started TSM treatments. They are brutal. It’s only been 4 treatments out of 30. Everyday except Sat and Sun.
We met when we were 13 years old and it was always just him and me. He was the only one who could bring me out of one of my “blue” moods as he kindly called them.
I miss my best friend. I need him. His support, his humor. All the things.
I’m afraid I might drop out of TMS. It’s become a racing looping thought. Maybe I’ll just not be able to tolerate it for the long haul. But I’m so miserable. I wake up crying. Oh yeah, sleep disorders too. I grew up in a rather chaotic home. My doctor says I’m tolerating the treatments very well. So at least there’s that but they are brutal.
And I’m still so scared without him. Scared of everything. He died 3 months shy of our 40th. We got the mortgage paid off that year, it was both of our 60th birthdays. It was going to be our year. I found out after that he was planning a cruise.
Maybe this should have just been a rant to the void. IDK.