u/Fromdustcomesdreams

It’s been 3 years since my husband of 39 years and 9 months died. Not reaching our 40th was devastating.

Doing normal day to day things are still very hard. I still have days where I don’t really get out of bed.

With that said, I had a very productive day today🙂. I got some things done. One was a bit of a big deal.

I’ve spent the last nearly 50 years of my life having him here to give me the *you go girl* talk. I’m really missing my friend today.

I’ve (f63) have had MDD for as long as I can remember. As well as the major anxiety, panic attacks etc. Since I was a pre-teen.

3 years ago my husband of 39 years and 9 months died suddenly at home while we were watching tv. My best friend since we were 13 years old.
So now on top of all that I’m dealing with PTSD something called traumatic stressors disorder. And I’m sure you understand what it did for my depression.

Doing daily things is still difficult most days. Some days I still stay in bed and cry all day.

I did some things today. A really important thing. Some lesser important ones but I felt up for it. And the daily challenges like hygiene, eating something weren’t an obstacle. I’m used to him being here with a ‘you go girl!’ I’m really missing my friend.

I did so much today yet I’m still so empty.

So I endured the 6 week course of TMS treatment. The 9 minute sessions. Brutal. But the second it’s over it’s over. You’d think you’d feel bruised at least but there’s nothing.

And that’s the problem. I don’t feel any different. However my scores show a big improvement. So🤷🏻‍♀️.

Has anyone else gone through this? I don’t want to get discouraged yet but geez. I thought I’d feel something different. Maybe my expectations were too high.

I (f62) have known my MIL (83) since I was 13 and her son became my boyfriend. She’s been a second mom to me.

My husband, her son, died very suddenly at only 60 years old. The trauma of it has been a nightmare. But my MIL made it so much worse. I don’t know how to handle this.

She bad mouths him terribly since he died. Said terrible things and will go on and on about the things he did. She forgets that I was there for most of it. Witnessing it. She’s rewriting history.

She said things to my son, her only grandchild, that have caused a grown man, he was 39 when his dad died, to have questions he’ll never get answers to now. I’m furious with her. Especially since I told her very specifically not to bring up certain subjects. Things a child doesn’t need to know about their parent.

I don’t know what to do or how to handle this. I love her but we haven’t spoken in maybe a year. I know she’s grieving in a way I can’t identify with. I haven’t lost a child. But she’s an intelligent woman and I don’t understand how you can tell someone “ Don’t talk about x” but they start up immediately anyhow.

She gets angry at me because now my son wants nothing to do with her. Her and I can’t have a civil conversation because she will not stop saying negative things.

Grief is terrible believe me I know. But she is not forgetful etc. She’s independent, drives etc. Very healthy.

Any advice and insights would be welcome and appreciated. Thank you.

I’m (62f) 15 treatments into a 32 treatment session for TMS. I’m worried about quitting. I don’t feel any different. I’m still crying constantly. I’m still exhausted all the time.

Has anyone gone through this treatment? When did start noticing a difference?

I live alone, now that my husband died. I don’t have him to notice any difference. I’m getting discouraged and don’t want to fall back into my typical habits. Avoidance, quitting, denial.

Insert loud scream of frustration and anger

I’ve (f62) been clinically depressed since my pre-teen years. No one can tell me kids can’t suffer from it. I lived it. I’m still living it.

So on top of that can of worms my husband (m60) died. Very suddenly one evening while we were watching tv. It was quick, I’m glad for him. That evening has compounded my PTSD exponentially.

But I’m backsliding in my grief for him. It will be 3 years soon and I’m in denial all over again. I see him around every corner.

I’m in therapy (had been once a month for the last 15 years) every 2 weeks now, down from twice weekly for awhile, and see a psychiatrist monthly. I’m on 4 meds for the MDD, serious anxiety, panic disorder, something called trauma stressor disorder, guess that came with the upgrade to my PTSD. ADHD which is still exhausting even with the med, not adderal.

But I’ve plateaued. I took the genetic test for med levels and whatever. I’ve started TSM treatments. They are brutal. It’s only been 4 treatments out of 30. Everyday except Sat and Sun.

We met when we were 13 years old and it was always just him and me. He was the only one who could bring me out of one of my “blue” moods as he kindly called them.

I miss my best friend. I need him. His support, his humor. All the things.

I’m afraid I might drop out of TMS. It’s become a racing looping thought. Maybe I’ll just not be able to tolerate it for the long haul. But I’m so miserable. I wake up crying. Oh yeah, sleep disorders too. I grew up in a rather chaotic home. My doctor says I’m tolerating the treatments very well. So at least there’s that but they are brutal.

And I’m still so scared without him. Scared of everything. He died 3 months shy of our 40th. We got the mortgage paid off that year, it was both of our 60th birthdays. It was going to be our year. I found out after that he was planning a cruise.

Maybe this should have just been a rant to the void. IDK.

I’m extra sad today. I started TMS treatments. A lifetime of depression that only my husband could help with. But he died. I miss my friend. Without his support I fear I’ll drop out. It’s brutal. I’m in a what’s the point kind of space.

Tell me I’m brave. Tell me I’m remarkable. Tell me how proud you are of me and that I’m the strongest woman you ever knew. Tell me the things he’d be telling me.

So my psychiatrist has suggested Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation for my depression. I’ve also been diagnosed with ADHD, chronic long standing depression, anxiety and panic attacks.

Does anyone have any anecdotal experience with this?