r/depression_help

I have dealt with depression for most of my life (I'm currently in my late 40's). About 8 years ago, I went through a major medical issue, took 6 months to be able to return to work, and then my wife informed me that she wanted a divorce. Later learned she had been cheating on me during my recovery. This completely broke me. I have been trying and trying to deal with the depression and get myself steady, but I basically feel as if I had died back then, but my body hasn't gotten the memo yet. I fell that it is pointless to hope to ever really experience something similar to even feeling content again, and that I am just going through the motions until my body finally decides to shut down.

I am no longer seeking any medical care and plan on discontinuing my prescription meds as I run out of scripts. Not going to kill myself, but I am also not going be seeking medical attention to keep me going anymore. I'm done and just waiting for my body to figure it out as well.

I've been on:

• Citalopram
• Sertraline
• Fluoxetine
• Escitalopram
• Venlafaxine
• Quetiapine
• aaaand I'm currently on Duloxetine.

This has been over about a decade, with varying dosages and some therapy with the NHS, b8ut I've seen nothing but decline over the years. I've obviously had my ups and downs over this long time frame, but the last year has been getting worse and worse. I'm spending each day feeling suicidal and I'm starting to lose hope.

The last time I spoke to my doctor, he said we are running out of medications to try. I'm not sure what happens after that. I really don't know what I'm supposed to do if no medication works - am I just going to be depressed forever? Is it really this or kill myself?

What's the point of living when there is no point? This world is just full of nothing but evil and I don't want to be miserable here anymore. The world is full of evil and will never change.

No matter how much medication and therapy they shove down my throat, I will never enjoy living. I hate working jobs. I don't want to work my life away just to never be able to live my life. You work to the point you see your job more then your family, friends, hobbies, and dreams. I dont care about money. Whenever I get my check, I feel nothing. I don't care about material things or consumerism and distractions. But that's life life is. Work, money, bills, consumerism, distractions, repeat till death. "Well, that's just how it is". MAYBE I DONT WANT THIS TO BE HOW IT IS. MAYBE I WANT TO ACTUALLY CHANGE THINGS. I DONT WANT TO JUST SIT HERE AND PRETEND EVERYTHING IS FINE!! I didn't ask to be in this shitty cruel world, why do I have to deal with this?? Why do I have to deal with evil billionaires governing over my life??? They decided what goes into my food, how you live, what you should do, money, money, money, how you should do it, do this, do that. WHEN DO I GET TO CHOOSE MY LIFE?? Why do I have to be an evil person in order to succeed in this world? I DONT WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD LIKE THIS.

"There are good things in life!"

Yeah. maybe the nice beautiful sun, or the green grass. But these 2 good things dont counter the empunt of evil humanity has. War, genocide, trillionares, etc.

And there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to sit and take it. I wish I was blissfully ignorant. I wish I was free.

I have tried 988, they ghosted me. I have tried crisis help line, they have a one hour limit. Therapy isnt helping me as much as I want. They want to lock me in a mental hospital which wont adress any of the underlying issues. It will keep u safe, I can hear u all saying. I have told myself if I am ever sent back to one of those hell holes, my body would shut down. And there is nothing anyone can do to stop that from happening. Plus my issues cant b fixed by locking me in a cell. I have been trying for the last 9 years to get a job. Nothing. I have been trying to get my thesis done for the last 9 years. I just recently got out of a year long catfish where the woman lied and I got out. My current gf is also online long distance, I have no way to verify if she real and anytime I bring up my doubt, she gets mad. I dont want to find someone else, im 38 and have never had a real gf in my life. This woman feels real but im not the best judge of that. Im running out of hope amd running out of reasons to wake up in the morning.

I’m in my 20s and still in college as I took a gap year after highschool. My father has been extremely abusive my entire life. My mother left him when I was 4 and my father gained soul custody. I’ve been his verbal punching bag every day of my life. He has put his hands on me as a child only a handful of time and now that he’s very successful he wouldn’t dare do something like that.

But he emotionally manipulates me and the entire family against me.

He just started paying for my schooling and lifestyle again since I was living in unsafe housing and my stepmother became worried.

But it comes with major negatives. He will get upset or stressed in his own life and find a way to call me to take it out on me. Tell me I have no control and he has all of it over me. to kill myself, that I’m a waste of air and time, that my family hates me, that he is the only person who will be there for me and is there for me and I’m and “evil cunt”. During these fits he lists ways that he will take everything from me in a moments notice, he has access to all my emails, my banks, my phone plan, my car, he is co-signed on my apartment and threatens to pay to get me off the lease and leave me homeless. A week later he will feel remorse and instead of apologize, he tells me how I need to please him better and work harder and how he is a hard worker.

I have one year left on my undergraduate degree, I’m pursing healthcare masters programs, school is already so hard as it is, and I try to keep up appearances because people see me as a bubbly pretty outgoing woman and I’m falling apart. I don’t know how to take care of myself anymore. I don’t eat or sleep until it becomes too much.

Everyone keeps telling me to stick it out with his financial support until I graduate and get a job, (healthcare will pay me maybe $20 an hour to get clinical hours for masters I want to apply to) which isn’t enough to support myself fully. I have two more semesters left and I’m falling apart. I don’t know how to make it through this, I have no more friends and I’m having crippling daily anxiety. I’m so miserable and I really just need advice on how to love myself or continue without letting him lashing out or his constant control get to me.

I’m becoming a shell of a person and keep posting this on a few different sub reddits. I used to love celebrating holidays, today is Fourth of July (one of my favorite just because of the fireworks) and I stayed home all day, I woke up at 11a, worked out, then went back to bed 2pm-9pm. And now it’s 2am I’m awake and feel so stuck.

Having someone constantly control me and have so much power over me is making it so hard to want to life my life

i dont want the police to show up at my door because i texted a hotline

i dont wanna ask a friend because they always dont understand

and i dont even wanna ask reddit because all i get told here is "you're 14, wait a bit."

i want to die before im 18. i need help. i NEED help. r/SuicideWatch isnt really a good subreddit. i dont know what to do.

i have been rejected therapy until i try to "include myself" and prove to my parents i can get out of bed and eat healthy.

i need someone to actually respond, i need someone to understand. i dont need to be told that im just a kid and i dont need to be told that "it may feel like-" NO. i need a way out. desperately. im done waiting.

its getting to a point where i wont exist to be told that im a kid over and over, so please think wisely when saying that.

Please hit me with your self harm reduction tips or ways you cope when you want to self harm. I haven’t self harmed in years but I’m really struggling.

TW: mentions of someone attempting, addiction, and generally just heavy shit.

I've been really, really struggling recently. I had to break up with my boyfriend. Me and my younger sibling have become really distant, even though we used to be best friends. My other sibling has been high nonstop and just attempted today. I feel like I'm losing everyone. I miss having friends and family and a partner. I really, really need someone right now. I just want someone to talk to. It's all getting too much. I can't do this alone.

This was like months ago, while we were practicing for our dance. The girls and boys had their own lineups, where I was waiting to be partnered up with my boyfriend. We were having fun, laughing, because it was supposed to be the night of our lives.

I made a joke about being a little bit taller than my boyfriend, considering that I was gonna wear heels. But then, as my friend was laughing, she blurted out “You look more like a man though” while doing so. My other friend who was laughing with us made an “OMG why did you say it” kind of face while laughing too.

I didn’t know how to take those kind of “jokes.” When all my life it’s been hardwired to me that I am ugly. That I looked so ugly without makeup. That year was when I felt most like me. Most confident, most happy. But after that joke, things changed. I was so sad that night. Those words couldn’t escape my mind, and I don’t think it ever will. She was one of the people who would compliment you out of spite, but knowing the fact that she found a way to say that hurt so much for me.

I cried so much that night, I was scared to tell my boyfriend what it was because he noticed the slight change in my manner. I was so bad at hiding my feelings to someone who I wanted comfort from most. I couldn’t tell him what it was. Because if I did, who knows if that’s all he’d think whenever he sees me.

It’s still so painful thinking about it. The girl who said that to me asked me if I was okay, asked me who I was mentioning in my dump account’s posts, but I didn’t want her to further feel like she was wrong when I know to myself that she was right. It just hurt so much.

I've always felt down,but this summer particularly really kills my mood.

I'm not sure what to do with my life. this year i got finals coming up but I have no motivation for them.

any ideas?

In the past few days my whole life has been ruined my girlfriend broke up with me after raping me and is now spreading rumors to all of my once friends that I raped her. Everyone has left me and everyone believes her because I had to go to a mental hospital because I attempted suicide im 16 she's 15 her mom works for the school im thinking about going to the police or law enforcement but I don't have any proof. I have no friends my family doesn't care, I haven't eaten in days I want to die.

⚠️Trigger warning talks about suicide a little bit.⚠️ Hello,this is a throw away account as im a little ashamed of myself. I dont know if this will even be approved for a post, i am asking for advice but it just seems a bit werid i guess. Please delete if not allowed. I am a 21 year old female and I don't like sex. I don't get the appeal at all and it's just uncomfortable for me. However I can't say no. I know that I could say no but my people pleasing is so bad is embarrassing. I had sex with a man last night and it was so horrible. I cried when I went to the bathroom and now I can't sleep because I feel disgusting. I hate myself so much because I can't bring myself to say no to people. I want to start therapy for it but honestly don't even know if it will help. I can't even tell people im not interested to their face I always just send a text. I feel like the most disgusting human and I just wanna rub my skin raw with soap and water. He was fine, he's actually super funny but I don't want the same relationship he wants. I only want love I don't want sex unless its to have kids one day. But I feel like no man will love me unless I give them sex. I don't even like oral sex it's so gross to me and makes me want to throw up. I don't know what to do. I wanna just die because it feels like it will be easier but I can't break my mom and brothers hearts like that. They don't even know I struggle with depression and suicidal tendencies. I've tried to kill myself multiple times and they have no clue. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just be like everyone else? Is there something wrong with me? Or am I really not alone in this.

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I'm ( M22 ) and unemployed

I don't even know where to start I just have so many thoughts in my head and nowhere to express them so I'm just throwing random thoughts here so I used to be good at studies I actually had potential, but bullying slowly took all of that away i got bullied so much in school that I started hating it sometimes I'd hide my own shoes or pretend I had a fever just so I didn't have to go every day I'd lock myself in my room and cry at night eventually I went from being a good student to someone below average after that i failed and left school and completed it through open schooling but by then the bullying had already affected me so much that I never started college i ended up wasting three years and now I'm finally in my first year honestly i still don't know what I'm going to do with my life I'm also living in an abusive household my dad drinks a lot and the house is always chaotic we're still a family but I wouldn't call it a happy one i don't really have the option to move out right now so I'm just here

A few months ago things were actually getting better I joined the gym and stayed consistent with my diet and started feeling like i was becoming a better version of myself then suddenly I just went back to being the same person again I don't even know why i still dk what's going to happen with me i dk what my future looks like every day just feels like the same day on repeat

I have a girlfriend She's nice kind loving and caring but lately I feel like she's losing interest in me It's not her fault though

I also have a frnd who's like a brother to me but he's changing too we barely talk anymore

Sometimes I feel like I'm just dying for someone's attention i just want someone to make me feel important but I guess that's not how life works If life gave us everything we wanted it probably wouldn't be called life

So yeah that's my story or at least a part of it

Life is still going on there's still a future ahead even if I can't see it right now

I just hope one day I get the things I've always wanted a happy family a good career my girlfriend and my friend

Nothing more than that.

my dad calls me weird, he says i can't do sh*t, he always insults me, nobody truly loves me, i want love.. i always stay in my room in front of my pc, it is my safe place, yesterday i worked in a kebab shop with harsh conditions, i carried very heavy loads, did delivery runs, and chopped bucketfuls of peppers (including my own finger)—other workers also insulted me, my hand got injured from carrying heavy things—it looks as if it got caught in something. when i came home my dad insulted me again, this morning when i woke up i went to living room and saw my lil brother playing happily and then my dad entered to room and insulted me again, i gave up. but i really really need someone to love and respect me, idc about anything, i just want love, im almost 17, i talk to nobody, i got bullied in primary and middle school too, idc about money or job anymore, i want somebody to love me, will someone ever love me? maybe im not strong but i need love...

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My girlfriend has been planning to leave for the last few months. Maybe more. She told me last week that she took monday off just because. So I came upstairs in the morning when she was done with her routine coffee on the porch and whatnot. I'm thinking, "Where are we going today?" thinking about hiking or something. Not, "Going our separate ways."

What gets me is that if we had a conversation about it when she started planning it, we could have done this together. If the relationship was over, so be it. But I could have helped her and actually had time to process things myself.

I want her to do what she needs. I just feel betrayed. Like all the fun we've had over the last few months was a lie. All the sex was fake. The dinners out, the laughs. All of it.

And that fucking sucks man. Now there was a change in her moving plans for something out of her control. She is not leaving until next friday. So she's still in my house. I can't stay at my parents' house that long or I'll go insane. So, like an idiot, I came home when she asked for help. I drove way too fast. And now I'm helping her pack stuff and load things up. I'm driving with her to her new place over an hour away to put some stuff in the garage to make moving day a little easier.

But now that I'm actually helping her, I just feel like I'm helping her walk out of my life. I love her so much and really hate this, but I don't know what else to do. I want to remain friends because she was my best friend for like a decade before we got together a few years ago. How do you go from talking to someone basically daily to them just not being in your life anymore? It's not like she's dead!

I wish I could have been better. Listened more, understood more, worked harder to grow and change. I am a disabled vet with some rough MH issues (nothing dangerous for others) and am in therapy and all that, really trying, but it wasn't enough. I am gutted, betrayed, heartbroken, but I still love her. Why?

Edit: sorry this is a little disjointed. I do be struggling.

I had a colourful history with someone who i love ever so dearly but i just cant do with being used and treated like shit anymore

His name is ash and knowing his stalker psycho ass he is probably reading this, someone who dug me out of a hole when i had no one else

I wish we had met under different circumstances but the fact of the matter is things went well until they didn’t i fucked our relationship up and i could never get it back again

We have been on and off over the years and its only now i realised how much i fucked up and wanted to try and fix things with him and for other a month i cut myself off from all my social events i basically stopped doing most the shit i was doing cause all i was ever doing was being worried fucking sick about him constantly

While all he was ever doing was kicking me down over and over and over again making me feel awful making me feel terrible when all i did was try to help him but my issues were irrelevant my feelings were unimportant nothing meant anything to him

I have a tendency to love the wrong people and he was no different i just hope that things will get better and i can finally find someone who will love me for who i am and not what i can offer them

My friends have been suggesting to me that I get medicated for my depression, but I'm really worried about the connotations of that. This is gonna be quite the rant so I'm sorry if it comes off as a little scattered.

If antidepressants change how you think and how you behave, and if how you think and behave is what defines you, then at what point does the medication changing your brain change who you are? Think of it like the Ship of Theseus hypothetical: For those unaware, the Ship of Theseus is a philosophical hypothetical about, well, the Ship of Theseus. Say the ship is held on exhibit in a museum, but the wooden boards rot over time. The museum must keep replacing the old, rotting boards with new ones over time, but when all of the ship has been replaced, is it even really the ship of Theseus?

What I'm getting at is this: While on mind-altering medication, can you even be considered to be you if that which makes you you has been altered? How long does it take for you to be someone else who just holds onto the old you's memories, even if no parties ever even realize it at all? Where does the old you's stream of consciousness end? Would it even be reversible if you stopped? What do you guys think? Is getting medicated worth it for the possible existential crisis it's giving me?

as the title says, my friend has been struggling for a while with hurting himself and they talked to me about it, and I tried to talk them through it and talk to them about it, but I really just don’t know the information or have the tools to help them out so any help so it kind of stops or they feel better and stuff like that would be greatly appreciated. As far as I know they do it because they feel like they do bad things and they need to hurt themselves to a tone for it even though they’re not religious and it’s not a religious thing or they just do it if they get really scared or worried and like have an anxiety attack

So, I like playing video games. They're one of my biggest passions in life...but I wish I didn't. I'm currently painfully unemployed, yet video games are one of the most expensive hobbies I could have ever become addicted to, especially for someone who's as useless as I am. And the worst part is that we're currently in a really bad financial situation...and yet I still can't help but want to waste money on fucking video games. I'm tired of being so entirely and utterly worthless. I want to matter for once and stop being a parasite.