need help
Hello everyone before talking I wanted to say that I'm not a native English speaker and I'll try to get help with a translator I hope you understand well, I'm 21 years old and for at least 4 I've been living in a very bad psychological state talking about it and doing research I realized that I'm in a stalemate for a near depression but not having talked to a specialist I'm pretty sure personally that I'm in it, I don't know exactly what led me to be like this today, but I know that in my life I've faced very bad things in A too premature age, what problems with my parents problems of both sentimental and social relationships problems with my family, problems with bullying, let's say that everyone has always made me feel wrong or at least never happy with my results and although I committed myself with all of myself to do well to behave well nothing was ever appreciated and in the end after too long I exploded and I gave up everything, school, friends, girlfriend I stopped talking to everyone, at that time I was alone and I did nothing else In addition to movies and video games that were the only things that made me disconnect and not think because precisely from this starting point, I began to develop repressed anger, asociality, not wanting to do anything, not even wanting to get out of bed, overthinking, insomnia, no longer find happiness in anything and after years and years spent with this today after 4 years I decided to confront myself with people who have been there and have had more serious problems than mine, in summary I need help, for months and months I try to Make progress but I can't have continuity luckily I managed to cross the social barrier and today I go out I have friends I have a beautiful girlfriend the problem is everything else I don't have motivation anymore I don't find happiness I can't do things with continuity I feel like a failure and I don't want someone to write to me that I'm important or all those things because I'm not important and I'm useless, I'd like to have a quiet life have a job wake up in the morning and feel full of life, or at least not to feel down or Always tired, I want to solve this problem before myself especially for my girlfriend who is a wonderful person and has put up with me in this state for more than a year and I want to make her proud and happy with myself because in this period she has been my only motivation the only beautiful thing I have felt in the last 4 years of my life and I owe her everything otherwise I don't know how it would have ended, I want to say that I have a case of depression carried on for more than 20 years by a close family member of mine and I've always wondered if it was destined for it to be like this if it's just genetics if even trying I'll still end up like this family member of mine who takes medicine and anyway is sick and doesn't leave the house, I would like concrete help someone to tell me exactly what to do to help me try to get out of it or at least live with it.
Thank you for reading