u/AmazeAmazeAmaze29

i suppose the question alone is enough. i was bullied through most of my school years, had really really bad experiences with friends. and then i just stopped having friends altogether aka i isolated myself. and now it's gotten so difficult to be even be open to meeting new people without being wary/scared of being abandoned/hurt/not accepted. i only have one friend and i adore her, but i never feel quite like i belong or that i can be fully myself.

i don't know how to start this. but for context: i grew up very sheltered and isolated. i was bullied throughout my childhood and spent most of my years with my mom who never really gave me a lot of personal space. she was always over protective of me and herself never had friends because "all i need is you." so i never had any girl friends, i never made any 'first' experiences. boys in school liked me, but i never liked them back. i never had the desire to discover more about my sexuality and also didn't know 'how' until i was around 18 and began discovering things on my own. and even then i felt mostly a lot of shame and disgust towards myself, my body, my needs.

i had my first boyfriend at 26. it feels bad to say i only liked the attention he gave me because no one had desired me like that before. so i just blindly entered into a relationship, was at 'i love you' within a week with him and felt disgusted whenever we kissed/touched. but up until that point i genuinely thought i was SUPPOSED to do that. like "woman do that" right? have boyfriends, get married, pop out kids. i never knew i didn't have to because i didn't know better. so i mostly endured all while simultaneously discovering the lgbtq community and how i could definitely imagine myself with a woman.

and now i'm 29 and i'm finally questioning everything. i am definitely attracted to women and could imagine myself in a relationship w one. that's not the case with men. my first relationship felt more like an obligation than anything else. it's just always been the intimacy/sex part that makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

it's so hard for me to differentiate if that makes me asexual. if i've ever felt real attraction before. does that make me a lesbian because well the thought of being with a woman makes me happier than the dread i feel towards men? the thought of sex in general still makes me uncomfortable. and i like fictional men? like i find some of them hot but they're well ..fictional. does that even count then? most of the time i find fictional women 100x hotter. pls don't think of me as weird or anything.

i don't have anyone to share this with. i have no friends. i just have myself as always. (english isnt my first language sorry for any mistakes) maybe some of you can give me advice.

generell bin ich nicht jemand der high end produkte kauft, habe mir aber aus verzweiflung den mac paint pot in tailor grey gekauft weil online wirklich alle sagen das der hardcore smudge proof ist. aber entweder mache ich total was falsch oder der ist gar nichts für mich. ich mag super gerne solche grunge/smudgy looks mit verwischten kajal wie aus dem bett gekrochen, aber ganz egal welchen wasserfesten kajal oder eben creme lidschatten ich verwende ich sehe nach 4/5 stunden wie ein panda aus. der paint pot kriecht in meine lidfalte und der kajal ist halt entweder nach unten gewandert oder überhaupt nicht erkennbar und ich hab wirklich schon alles durch: wenig pflege drunter, mit puder setten, mit lidschatten setten, lid und wasserlinie trocken tupfen aber nüscht.

habt ihr irgendwelche tipps? holy grail produkte?

bin zur zeit auf der suche nach einem guten leave in wenn ich bei dieser hitzewelle meine haare mal nicht föhnen möchte. ich weiß das es solche air dry creams gibt, aber ich finde in der drogerie nur produkte für lockige haare. meine haare sind in den längen ziemlich krass strapaziert und anfällig durch jahrelanges färben und mein ansatz ist schnell fettig. von garnier gibt es die air dry cream, allerdings sind meine haare nach der anwendung wirklich total strohig und trocken in den längen. von goldwell gibt es so eine bb air dry cream aber ich bin ein wenig unsicher weil ich nicht weiß ob sowas nur geld macherei ist bzw. ob ein normales leave in reicht?