r/AskLGBT

Sorry if this is a frequently asked question, but normal google didnt really help, i think i need an actual person to explain it to me like i'm five lol.

So I call myself bi. I like the women i like the men, i like the in-betweens. I have some preferences but generally as long as pretty -> i like.

A good friend of mine calls herself pan. She likes the women, she likes the men, and is in a relationship with an enby. I dont know exactly if they have preferences but i assume yes through past interactions.

As far as i can tell, our attractions seem to follow a very similar formula. That being: pretty -> we like.

Am i bi or pan? Is she bi or pan? What would make you or what did make you pick one over the other?

I know labels can always be individual of course and i'm not saying one of us is "identifying wrong", but on the other hand, they are labels that have meaning. So basically: whats the difference? Why make a differnce? What would make someone call themselves one over the other?

Thanks in advance :)

I know non-binary is an umbrella term but is it non binary if I’m not gender envy and just don’t want to be in the category or girl?

So, let me clarify. I’ve been very depressed lately with how rampant homophobia and transphobia has been lately.

I’m sick of anti-LGBT+ laws constantly being passed.
I’m sick of hate crimes toward LGBT+ people.
I’m sick of people constantly debating about us.

I’m sick of all of it. I wish we can just live our lives, and be treated like normal people and left alone.

With that being said, to help me feel a little bit better - I kinda want to “escape” by watching a movie/TV show, where being LGBT+ is completely normal in their world; and the LGBT+ people are treated exactly like everyone else.

No big “coming out” scenes, where the characters scared to tell their family and friends.
No slurs being thrown at the LGBT+ characters.
No scenes where the LGBT+ characters are abused in any way for being LGBT+.
No weird comments from any of the characters like: “We’re still best friends, even though I had a hard time accepting you’re trans.”

Nothing like that.

I was wondering if anyone here has any recommendations for movies/TV shows that match this criteria?

An example of something I’m looking for would be something like: “Steven Universe”.
(In their world, LGBT+ people and non-LGBT+ people are treated exactly the same; and no one is treated differently for being LGBT+ the entire series).

Thank you!!

I’ve been searching for a while, I guess I don’t really need to put a label on it but I feel like there has to be a label for that, no? I just really don’t care how someone looks and ofc I respect people’s preferred gender but I can’t find myself to be attracted to a person who has a penis. I could totally date a man with a vagina tho? Sorry I know this sounds kinda transphobic

This isn't a fun question. I genuinely want to know.

For all intended purpose, I am a Male person. I find women attractive. I find it weird that generally I don't find penis attractive at all, but on a transperson it works. I may rationalise that it as, because of other aspects of the body I might feel so. But interesting part is, I love to get things in my butt. I haven't ever asked a gay person to do that, but I imagine I would enjoy it. I have tried getting pegged by a girl, putting things up there while masturbating, etc.

How can this experience be described?

This is very anecdotal, but many of my queer friends are very into Jeremy Clarkson and Top Gear. I admittedly don't know everything there is to know about him and his shows, however my understanding is he is quite politically conservative and stands against many progressive values that my progressive queer friends are for.

It seems there's an unspoken fondness of his work amongst people I interact with, and I've even heard him referenced positively in queer podcasts. I just don't understand why we would support this man who seems to be extremely anti-environmental, transphobic and conservative? I'm sure he supports marriage equality etc. but so do a lot of other people who are otherwise heinous.

Please feel free to take what I say with a big grain of salt because it could just be my experience, thank you.

I don’t think i’m gay enough to call myself anything other than straight! I’ve liked so many guys in my life and only a few girls and recently I found that I like a girl! But i’m so confused. I don’t know what that means. I’m not gay. I’ve been gay in the past, I’ve liked girls! but i’m not gay. i’m so open about liking guys! i mean it wouldn’t be shocking if i was queer of some sort. I had 4 friends tell me they thought I was queer before finding out I was straight. Everything is so confusing for me because not so long ago I had awful gender envy towards a guy I liked. I’m sorry if this is strange, I’m just so confused and I don’t know what to do with myself

I am straight, but I have complications with my gender identity. But, isn’t being straight just what gender you’re attracted to? Gender identity is something different isn’t it? Or am I getting it mixed up?

Im 19, nb, pan, and ace and my life feels like a shit show. I’ve been holding this all in for a while and I feel like I have nowhere to turn. This will be pretty long but I need someone to read it so I feel less alone.

So no surprise my family is kinda weird about queer stuff. Ranging from confused to downright dangerous and bigoted with religious and political views to back it all up.

I tried coming out to my parents when I was in highschool and I thought it would be ok but it turns out that they only tolerated the gays and lesbians on a surface level. Anything beyond that was wayyyyyyy too much for them. They had a meltdown over pronouns (especially they them ones) and thought me being pan and ace meant I was interested in animals or something (where tf did that come from?) or had been sexually abused and turned out as a weird prude.

My dads agnostic so he didn’t really have a religious angle on it. He just felt more hurt I would reject my name he gave me and do the whole extremist political thing of having they them pronouns. My deadname was honoring someone important in the family. And I thought my mom being Buddhist and all would be at least a little progressive but she weirdly made it religious saying I needed to practice more Bushism to get in touch with the universe. That way the universe could help me figure out my internal shit so I wouldn’t be confused about my gender or sexuality.

Either way they didn’t get it and so my only recourse was to pack it all up and make it seem like a crazy teenage phase and revert back to their closeted cis daughter who was at the Least bit only gay.

Then I’ve seen my extended family have the whole eww trans people are weird and sinful and pedos thing because they are hella Christian. My aunt especially, to the point she doesn’t celebrate Halloween and was one of the people saying the Olympics was “blasphemous and full of transvestites” a few years ago. she has a lot of semi uninformed conservative religious views. Because of this and the way I’ve seen her discuss trans people I haven’t come out to my extended family as anything at all.

Even worse is my uncle on my mom’s side. He’s conservative and has been feeding my mom a lot of anti trans political takes about how the trans people are pedos and looking to brainwash the kids and that their sneaking to to the wrong bathrooms and whatever else. I don’t exactly know how deep it goes for him but clearly he’s bigoted. But It makes me just anxious to be around anyone like that so I kinda tune him out when he gets going.

Him and my mom have a great relationship so she listens to him fairly easily. But She’s also the type to be easily swayed by stuff without using much critical thinking or fully understanding all the facts and science. She’s gotten hooked into mlm scams before on Facebook and uses chat gpt a lot. She even follows a lot of pseudoscientific health stuff about supplements and diet fads. so if that tells you anything about her then obviously my uncle is a bad influence seeing how truly gullible she is. Currently she’s taking a little too easily to his ideas and I slowly see her falling down the anti queer rabbit hole.

Either way all of this amounts to me feeling like shit and like I can’t live. I currently have no friends and never even dated and I know if I wanted to have fulfilling romantic or platonic relationships I would need to be honest about who I am and stop reverting to using my deadname and calling myself a cis girl. But that also comes at the cost of the people I know lashing out at me if they caught wind of any of that. Same goes if I just keep putting these things off. People will eventually ask why I’m not dating or why I have no friends and then I either suffer the internally hurtful consequences of lying about why or out myself and face the backlash.

Having come out before I know how much it hurt me to deal with the backlash. I know it would just tear me apart and send me spiraling into depression and anxiety again perhaps even worse than before. But I don’t know what else to do but stay closeted because my future rests on being the perfect person my parents know me as.

My parents look to retire in a nice house out in the country and want it to be mine when they pass. That way I can be successful in this time where the economy sucks and it’s rare to have a house. They currently are letting me use their apartment in a good city as a place to live while I study in college. I currently have their old car that they gave to me as a highschool graduation present. They know people in the creative fields I want to get into for a future job (writing and animation). I can’t just instantly transition or be my true self without hoards of backlash and it disrupting my life.

But the truth is I feel like a lonely shell of myself and the thought of the future makes me scared. all I see in my future is getting a relationship and being myself but I fear their reactions if I had a non typical relationship with someone gender queer or I found friends that would respect my name and pronouns. I fear also not doing any of that and then having to explain myself when people finally start to wonder what the fuck is going on.

I don’t even know if therapy would fix this or what I should do. but the weight of trying to dodge the bigotry of those I know is becoming inescapable. I don’t know how to deal with it without either feeling alone or being afraid of it upending my entire life.

Please, if you’ve read this far and have any advice then let me know. The stress is just eating me alive.

I'm asking because I keep hearing about this epidemic and how its causing deaths at an alarming rate and how men not getting dates from women is causing it...and people responding by saying they're putting all their need for connection on women instead sharing it with each other...cause they think having male friends who are too close is "gay" or some shit and have some precedent to uphold

So it got me wondering...what about GBTQ+ men....are they also suffering from this? Like I get that there is a certain amount of loneliness for those who can't find a community or stay in the closet for their own safety, or adjusting to how different male socializing dynamics is from the female kind but in the matter of getting connection and friendship and stuff...are they feeling it the same way straight men are feeling it either with or without these additional intersections in their lives

I'm not trying to be weird or invasive or anything I just wanted to know if y'all are doing alright or worse or either way

There's a girl in my class I can't stand- like your stereotypical conservative southern woman. (She's obsessed with looking pretty/ goes out of her way to comment on other people's bodies all the time...) Anyways, she's loudly homophobic and transphobic as well.

The other day, she was arguing that trans people "shouldn't ruin their bodies with something so permanent." BUT she has multiple lip fillers and always talks about wanting a breast augmentation. I asked how top surgery was any different than her getting breast surgery, and she got angry. To me, if you don't like the shape of your chest and want surgery to feel more comfortable in your body, you should have sympathy for trans people.

Then I got to thinking- isn't cis hormonal therapy/ surgery technically gender affirming care? I used to work at a men's testosterone clinic, and it seemed like the same concept. We mostly treated older cis men who wanted to maintain muscles, strength, and masculinity as they aged. Most men would light up after treatment/ feel more like themselves, which seems similar to what I've heard from trans guys on T.

I obviously know that's not the same thing as true gender dysphoria- but why is trans healthcare so hard for cis people to understand? Don't they feel dysphoric at times, too?

(Disclaimer- I'm a muscular and slightly masc-presenting cis woman, so I don't want to speak on behalf of trans folk. Just posing a hypothetical here!)

I’m in a committed monogamous relationship with a lesbian as a cis bisexual woman. I love my girlfriend so much, but sometimes I fantasise about men too, because I am in fact attracted to them.

I would never cheat on my partner and I’m really attracted to her, but I’m scared of always feeling like this. Especially because her as a lesbian feels so insecure about the fact that I like men too and she’s not a man.

The thing is, if she was a man, I would have the exact same issue.

My partner got me wondering. So for a long time I have considered myself aromantic. I don't like the typical romance stuff that you see in media or read in stories, like candles, shared meals, cuddles, etc. I do my best to fulfill my partner's needs for that stuff, mostly don't mind doing it, but I don't like doing it.

So the questionable part and why this is NSFW. Some of the sexual activities I like, she thinks are romantic, like nipple sucking and oral (the entire sexual activity could be purely oral and sucking).

Is that considered romance? We're both autistic and it wasn't a fight, not even a heated debate. I just want to educate myself if past learning was wrong. We're poly and open, we don't have any "bedroom" activity that is strictly between us. Is this a situation where we are both technically correct and it isn't romantic to me but is for her?

I wanted to ask about how people feel regarding the use of the f word in a certain song (“The Band” by glaive and kurtains). Throughout the chorus and the lyrics, they refer to smoking a cigarette as “having a f..” Although I don’t necessarily believe that it is used in a negative connotation as the f-slur, I understand that it might be controversial or offensive to use the word in any manner at all.

Hi I’m (30F) in a tough situation. I come from a really strict, religious family, and I love them to death. My mom passed away sadly, but my dad and especially my sisters are a life line to me we do everything together they are my best friends. I live in a studio on the same property and have a really good rent deal since it’s my dad‘s house.

I’ve been suppressing my attraction for years since I was a teen. Ive never acted on it though. It has caused me to have depression that I’ve hidden from my family and friends. I’ve never dated since I’ve never felt a crush on any men. Recently pushing it down caused severe panic attacks and I was hospitalized early this year. Since then, I’ve started medication and therapy and I’ve been improving but going on like this is very unhealthy. I want to stop being closeted.

My family and I are JW’s, I was born in really but I’d never want to disappoint my family or God so I’ve tried to live in what I was told was the best way of life. I’ve been doubting lots of things for years pretty significantly over the last five years, but there’s no real way to question anything even politely within the organization without being under pressure and being scrutinized.

So the real tough part is if you either leave voluntarily or do anything that’s considered wrong or unclean, you will be removed and shunned by the community. Your family, especially is supposed to not really speak to you much and my dad very involved and will likely not allow me to live on the property anymore if he found out that I’m gay or want to explore that. As JW’s you’re encouraged to not make friends with anyone worldly basically spending as little time possible with anybody who is not one of Jehovah’s witnesses unless you are preaching. So I basically have no outside resources. In light of that my entire support system is within this community so if I was to leave, I would lose my house, my family, and my friends in an instant, and without a way to even talk to anyone I could never even explain anything, I would be viewed as spiritually dead. During this time I’m still medically recovering and I still have severe anxiety and depression, losing everyone would literally feel like a death sentence.

I don’t need to make a big declaration, there’s people in my family I still wouldn’t tell. I just want a way that I can separate my life a little and sort of drift away from the JW organization so I can experience life and stop hating myself. But everything is so policed it starts to feel impossible.

My question is is there anyway that I can actually come out without my life being ruined? Has anyone experienced something like this? And if so what steps can i take?

TLDR: my entire support system is tied to strict religious beliefs and if I came out and I would lose everything but staying hidden is making me unwell. I’m really struggling please help.

I’m a cis man and recently turned 30, it seems like everybody has been able to experiment and find themselves in their late teens and early 20’s. I got with my high school sweetheart, cis woman, very early in life. We’re still together and I have no regrets about that, but I never had an opportunity to explore my sexuality.

My partner recently came out as asexual, and she’s encouraging me to try exploring my sexuality. This is the first opportunity in my life to find myself, but it’s very daunting to enter a community where it seems like I’m really far behind on knowing who I am and what I want. I also grew up in an incredibly homophobic family, and it took years of therapy to not be ashamed by my thoughts…

How would I even best begin this journey?

I mean its way more make sense and on topic on the "gender"

I have trouble sticking up for myself, and also I feel unworthy to because I have been a flawed person. The past year I've been very depressed, often breaking down and feeling alone, unsure if I want to continue which is hard to put my boyfriend through.

However, the more I reflect in therapy, I wonder if I've been tolerating unfair treatment from him. A brief summary of his bad behaviors:

• Chronic liar, to the point he forgets his lies. He told me he grew up in north Canada, but when I asked if he ever built snowmen weeks later, he said he's never been around snow. When I brought up his Canadian childhood, he said he's lived here his whole life, never been out of the US. I've caught similar lies about his family, work, schooling, pets, etc.
• He also told me he didn't want to talk to these guys anymore who were mean to me. I told him he didn't have to stop being their friend for me, because I'd feel bad getting between his friendships. He insisted however, but secretly remained their friend the whole time.
• He often ditched our plans, either last minute saying he was going out with friends instead or completely ghosting for days at a time.
• Instead of communicating when he is upset, he withholds affection. He stops calling me pet names, ignores me on purpose, and insists nothing is wrong when I know something is.
• Sometimes he threatens to leave, saying "I don't need this, I have lots of guys and girls wanting to date me." which makes me uncomfortable he thinks about his other options
• He doesn't take accountability, saying his lies aren't a big deal because we aren't close yet, saying about the second point "I'm not going to stop hanging out with friends for a person I don't love, I don't regret doing that. Still hope I can fall back in love again", saying I'm selfish for being upset he leaves our plans to spend time with his friends + I should be happy for him

For a long time I thought I deserved all of this because I was lucky he overlooked my mental breakdowns, but now I am feeling I don't deserve it and it's not helping my mental health to be poorly treated by him.

I don’t know what to do. I get extremely turned on by the idea of someone fucking me or treating me like a girl. The idea of using a chastity cage or shaving and actually having sex is pretty much the only thing that gives me that level of excitement. The problem is that it feels like I’m more attracted to dicks than to men themselves. Most men don’t turn me on, only the ones that most people would consider attractive.

So I don’t know how to confirm whether I’m actually attracted to guys. Part of me is scared of downloading Grindr and hooking up with a random person because, besides diseases, part of me feels like everything would change afterward, like it would be a before and after moment in my life (I didn’t feel that way when I had sex with a girl). I should say that doing it honestly terrifies me, almost like I’d be doing something forbidden.

And the truth is I don’t know how to slowly explore things with a guy. In real life, that “bottom” side of me doesn’t really exist, it only shows up in my fantasies.

Okay so first, I want to give a warning that I (F22) am Neurodivergent & struggle a lot with reading subtext, so this could be a very biased reading. Also most of this story happened when I was around 13-14 years old, which was 9 years ago, so some details might be a bit fuzzy by now.

So when I was in 7th grade, I had this friend in class my who was very a stereotypical popular girl. Very bitchy, mean & rude; but I liked her anyways cuz I like aggressive women. I will call her Mia.

Mia and I were pretty good friends, even though our friend groups were very different, & most of our hanging out happened during classes where we would pass notes to each other since we shared a table. This went on for about a year, & I admit, I did start developing a bit of a crush on her during this time.

In 8th grade, all of a sudden, Mia started insisting that we skip classes to go hang out together in empty classrooms. Initially I thought this was because the rest of her friends didn't like me very much, so she wanted to hang out with me away from them. I did not mind this arrangement because, honestly, her friends were really annoying & I didn't want them bothering us either. All we used to do in these empty classrooms was read books from the library, with her sleeping on my lap. And no, I did not notice at the time how gay this was.

Anyways like 2 years later in 10th grade (when I was 16) I learnt from her old friends that during this period she & her friends had A WHOLE NOTEBOOK DEDICATED TO PLANNING MY MURDER. It was a very detailed plan too. They had listed down various chemicals that they were going to use to poison me and even had a spot picked out for my burial. It was very impressive for a group of shallow 13 year old girls.

Honestly at the time I found this very funny, because excluding Mia, I didn't spend any time with any of the rest of those girls at all, so the idea that they hated me that much was just absurdly hilarious.

For the longest time, I just had her categorized in my head as someone who was bullying me, but in hindsight, I'm noticing a lot of things that she did as very very gay, & now I'm actually confused. Was this bitch flirting with me the whole time? Or am I just crazy?

For reference both Mia & I are queer. She came out as bisexual at 17 & I came out as lesbian at 15.