u/Regular-Vanilla9435

So I have mdd, I’m guessing that’s not all I have since I’ve had it for almost 8 years which is way longer than mdd cases are known to last.

I would almost “rot” away until someone asked me to hang out, and to distract myself I would like mask my depression and just go do it. I was always hanging out with someone, I was pretty good at masking it and becoming the “life of the party” so more and more people would ask me to hang out.

Even then, that wasn’t enough. I wanted someone to see my suffering and suffer with me? I wanted someone to fill this void, someone I didn’t have to mask around. Well they never came.

I did end up deciding to get help. I thought I could do it on my own and I was just weak, I decided to finally get some meds and move houses to a better place for myself to start new.

I’m now pretty healthy and being the best I’ve been since I got mdd. Nowadays though, I don’t hang out with anyone. I don’t want to, I’m finally at peace with myself and my thoughts. My sa thoughts don’t scare me into distracting myself, I don’t think of death as the answer to everything. Now because of the habit of masking my depression, i literally can not un mask myself whenever I’m with people. I just can’t act how I want to? Whenever I’m with people it’s just too I guess “nostalgic” and doesn’t do my head well neither do I have the energy for it.

I’ve also accepted being alone, I may never find someone I can be myself with and that’s okay. Atleast I have myself now? That counts. I enjoy studying and art so I just spend my time expressing myself to other people through art.

I’m not gonna say I’m cured or fully healed yet so who knows how I’ll continue to change but this is how I’ve changed so far.

Idk, I just thought of this since I notice alot of other depressed people who are good at masking it also do this. I see it a lot, it’s like mania depression almost? We seem perfect healthy, act healthy and happy but behind every word Is a bad thought and we’re usually prone to getting “close” to randoms to try to fill the void.
Then i see how most people would say how if they weren’t lonely they’d be cured or how they’re depressed cus they’re lonely so as someone who thought that but realized it wasn’t true…

I just wanna add, romantic relationships for me were just something to completely distract myself with and “give” myself a better chance at a better future with someone and not alone. I’m sure they are for lots of people. You can not cure your depression by just finding someone, they can help you but it won’t just go away, loves❤️

I don’t know how to word this. I’ve seen a lot of discussions about gender roles and how lots of people just find being in queer relationships way more comfortable because they’re usually way more free and about the person and their wants instead of what society wishes about them and engraved into them.

What are your thoughts? I personally don’t see gender as of now, so I don’t really struggle with that, I realized I also had these subconscious thoughts and got rid of them.

I do remember when I had them, I found it way easier to date my own gender because again, it was like being “free”from society, society had deemed it un normal so we never got told how to act or how queer relationships should work like we did hetero relationships, so we got to do whatever we wanted yk? And we understood eachother more as we had to grow up hearing the same things?

I just wonder. I also hear queer relationships seem to be doing better than hetero ones are recently and I feel like this would be a major part of why? I mean it gets so instructed that even some queer relationships run by the rule of it HAS to be a fem who does house work x masc who works (not to hate if you genuinely enjoy that, I just mean the people who think it HAS to be this way to function)

I hope I worded this right? This is just my personal experience as a bisexual who has dated both genders and had quite some experiences.

Once I dropped gender roles completely, I definitely felt way more free honestly. It’s just learning to accept that it’s okay to do so which can be tricky as it’s so taught to be this one and only way

Also I want to say this, I don’t just mean homosexual relationships. I mean queer in general. Even if it’s a qpr, I still feel like it has somewhat more freedom in it? Yk cus it’s not what society made up and gave all these standards to. Idk

So I don’t really feel romantic attraction nor attraction to really anything in general. I just want to be a good dependable person so I act like so? If I want to be nice, I will be, I’ll defend someone if I want to, I’ll compliment someone if I want to physically even, I’ll give the nice future speeches, I’ll give physical comfort, yes I’m going to remember the small details and your boundaries and make SURE I stick to them and no I’m not gonna argue nor judge you.

NONE of this screams romantic to me? But I guess from someone who does feel those things it could? And I’m guessing this is why I’ve had an issue with my boundaries and giving people these huge egos.

The amount of friends I’ve lost because they thought I wanted them just from me acting decent or because they wanted me and I just didn’t understand why at all?? I’m guessing from those stances tho I get it?

I also just am blunt as again none of this speaks romance to me, if I see someone who I think looks good, I’ll tell them or so and so.

Overall though, I just hate this. I wanna say it shouldn’t be seen in a romantic light but I won’t be able to understand them so I can’t say it shouldn’t or should, I just wish maybe their egos didn’t get inflated within a month of us being friends.

Why do you have to be someone’s lover or best friend to treat them decently lol.

So I’m aro? (manhwa is great for romance.. irl is not) and I realized that’s one of the reasons I love yanderes? Like for me personally I’m more aro but not for the reason of romance being too much, it’s just too little/shallow for me. So yanderes that have their love as their one person for everything (including romance ikik) hits so deep to me? And while I’m not big on sexual/couple things, doing it with someone who you have such a bond with or atleast values you more than anything and loves all of you, knows all of you, etc makes it sound sooo much nicer and actually appealing. Anyone else feel this way? Ofcourse irl yandere romance nonono but the ideas are so nice when written

Don’t mind the rant I just posted, it got me thinking haha.

So Ive had this thought for awhile, I don’t really feel romantic/sexual attraction but my emotions aren’t anything less. As of recently I’ve be trying to figure if im aro for sure (I think I am..?) but I kept getting stuck on how I still want these deep things? I don’t want multi people, just one person with this deep bond, a true deep love, maybe intimacy but for the emotional vulnerability not for the pleasure? So maybe I’m not.

Well recently I just feel like I’ve been an idiot, there’s so much love out there, who says romantic is the deepest to everyone? Because of how it’s taught to us, took me along time to realize it? I always thought “no way that’s love” “how can you be romantically in love and do that” “how can you pick someone over your romantic partner” until I started searching further as I realized how much romance just icked me out, well I’ve come to the conclusion as we’re all different, romantic love isn’t the deepest for all of us? (Obviously as aro) but I mean even for people in relationships who feel romantic attraction? Like I guess I kinda get it now? No matter how shallow I see it or how confused I am as to how you can love someone based off of ___, maybe that’s just because romantic love isn’t their deepest love and they can truly romantically love someone over that yk? Like their reasons can be “oh the way we met that day” and it be true romantic love for them? Idk how to explain it.

Not saying all of it is, but romance has always felt so shallow to me and I always thought “no romance isn’t like that, it must be deep, these people just truly don’t love eachother romantically” and that’s just not the case, just like how people can be great partners, parents, friends but not great romantic partners yk?

I guess I see how all romance works for people and I get it now, it’s just not it for me but it’s not because I feel like it’s too much, I just don’t feel like it’s enough?

It’s like I don’t want someone to just choose me because they romantically like me, I want it to be deeper, to be their full person and them mine? IDK it’s not deep enough for me?

Like I want something more than friends more than lovers, something words can’t explain yk?? But what is deeper than lovers that goes over the boundaries of non lovers

I think this is the reason I never got how everyone isn’t bisexual and how people get crushes and relationships so fast and treat them so shallow. (I’ve had one crush and i wasn’t even a teenager yet, I can’t remember if it was a true crush)

But at the same time, I don’t know if I can truly be aro, when again I want someone’s all and I’m guessing part of that is romance? But idk, I don’t really care for what we deem romance as of today. Honestly to me, I never knew the difference between romance and friendship, everyone I thought I romantically liked, I never did. And being taught the deepest love is romantic, I just assumed that’s what I wanted? But maybe it is? What’s the difference😭

There has been one person I truly cared for, but when we got physical and started just dating and being romantically involved, I felt like our bond was gone? Like romance ruined it? Us doing physical stuff just for the sake of romance and pleasure disgusted me and I never even wanted to do the “couple things”

Anywho, dating as it is is just another torture form to me. Even if I’m not aro or even if I am, whatever relationship I have doesn’t have to be described and I hope to find someone who can agree. A love where we just go off our mutual understandings and feelings rather than just romance or just friends.

Any recommendations for dark romance manhwas/webtoons? That aren’t just full of sa? Preferably bxg and gxg since I’m already reading a lot of bxb ones

I think I know why I’ve always held romantically love to such a high bar. Growing up, people teach you that the deepest love is romantic love so I always thought it was too, but now after seeing my friends fall inlove easily, my past partners, my parents. I don’t think it is and I don’t think it’s what I want

It scares me even now to be aro as again I want the deepest love and bond imaginable but I just don’t want it to be romantic yk? But growing up everyone just says how romance is the deepest love and title to show how deep your bond is with someone.

Anyone else? Like it’s too deep to be platonic and it definitely is deep enough to be romantic but it’s not romantic. Yk?

I’ve always felt this way, in online fandoms two people like this being shipped together always made me upset because in my head it didn’t have to be romantic to be that deep but everyone always said it had to.. so again that added to it.

Idk how to explain it? Anyone else?

I’m starting to think I might be aro? But I also share some qualities that lots of aros talk about not having what so ever.

So I’ve started thinking this after trying to date multiple times in many different scenarios and it ending the same always. I realize I don’t really want the romance, I don’t want the petnames, cuddles, acting all cringey and lovey, couple arguments, jealousy and possessive tendencies, the “love” effect, it all just kinda disgusts me? For the longest time my one want was “I don’t want my partner to change after we date” but if we don’t.. then aren’t we just still friends? That’s basically what I’ve been asking for😭 I also just treat relationships more like work than genuine connection subconsciously. I care for my partners but I can never say I’ve truly loved one of them nor romantically liked any of them, I can remember one person I did and it took me over a year to.
But, I do enjoy romance books and I do enjoy fictional characters, I don’t really imagine myself with them but I do say “ohh if I could find someone like ___” in bursts of excitement or awe. I also think there’s a small chance I could romantically love someone, they’d have to be someone very different from the norm but I think it’s possible and if it is, I want that eventually? I’m find if I never get it but I do want it? Which kinda goes against being aro from what I hear. I’ve tried mentioning this to friends and I basically got hit with “wait you weren’t this whole time?” “We already knew since your first relationship”

Also I guess another random one, I do enjoy physical touch with close ones? The one person I did like, I was pretty clingy to and while I might not “enjoy” it, I don’t mind what so ever if my friends cling to me (as they usually do), which is another big trait I see a lot of aros go against.

I’m not sure if I’m aro or maybe I just have some underlying issues? As of now, romance in general is just not my thing, it’s not worth it for me. In my head, it’s not something I need, it should be a want, so if I find myself not wanting it (even if it’s something small) I start to check out? It’s like I hold it to this high bar, like I couldn’t ever be in a relationship unless it was sent from the heavens? So maybe I’m just picky?

I also just don’t seem to want real people? I can acknowledge people look good but it’s never something I want or crush over. The one thing I like about the human body is the waist, neck, and mouth. Nothing to do with face, people, certain gender body parts. Idk? And it’s mostly because these parts look the same in fiction and in real life lol. Most of these started out from me liking them so much from fiction media. Am I just some online weirdo

So as I’ve suffered with depression and my life basically falling apart, me having to rebuild it since middle school. I’ve come to learn with my many flaws of the past, others have them to and I want to be nice no matter what, maybe it’ll help them change or lighten their day. I just don’t wanna judge anyone anymore, I hate being mean. But ive been giving so much of what I want for others that it just leaves me burnt out really fast. I notice that unless im indulging in gossip, I run out of things to talk about with my current friends really fast and I don’t wanna gossip anymore, so I’ve just been kinda laying them off for a few months and even then I feel bad but I don’t want to gossip? I just want to not add onto the burden of others but most of the time nowadays I’m doing things because I’ll feel bad if I say no, it’s like I’m doing it just so I can say “yea they’re happy, I made them happy not sad” and if I was truly nice I’d genuinely want to do these things or atleast not mind them? I don’t want to lose myself completely but at the same time, have I just been being selfish? Everytime I find something I dislike, I try to make myself like it so I can be nice but what good does that do? It’s not like they’ll really care? Ughaahahah idk, I’ve spent years to fully overcome my rude, lazy, fake self and now idk who I want to be anymore. I know I can’t be perfect but can’t I be truly nice?

Also unless you truly get mean, no one listens to your boundaries. While I want to be kind, I’m not just gonna get disrespected or let my loved ones be, so if I need to I’ll get a bit blunt and mean but it feels like that’s the only way? Every single time.

Honestly I’m a pretty closed off person, so I keep a few friends but I try to treat anyone nicely (if they seem to be in need) and idk? Do I just be a douche? That makes me feel even worse. So I usually just end up keeping to myself as most of my hobbies are one person things lol.

So, I notice sometimes when I’m alone I get these nasty thoughts including sexism, homophobia, transphobia, kink shaming, personality shaming. I grew up in a white trash very old style house so by nature all this was nasty and never talked about unless in bad manner. I want to be better, nicer. I know logically and emotionally I have no real reasons to feel these ways and love is love, people are people. It’s just they’ve been dug in throughout the years (my whole childhood) of my very trashy family degrading such topics.

Anywho, so I’ve decided to step out my comfort zone, try to make more friends I normally wouldn’t, look up some blogs, read literature including such topics, movies. I’m trying to slowly teach my brain how these things aren’t wrong, and while i love that and I’m happy I can do this, this feeling of unraveling my whole childhood worth of just pure hate, its so scary and nerve racking? It’s like being consumed with fear of realizing you are what you hate? Which is bad and something you should hide away but in reality it’s not bad, ykwim. I guess I forgot to mention this but I myself can not say I’m 100% straight which is one of the reasons I realized these bad thoughts and needed to become better. Anyone else? Like as much as I want to do this and will, I have to admit as I’m just recently doing this, as of now it brings my stomach some bad butterflies. I feel shame even though I shouldn’t? It’s nasty my feelings say but my brain says it’s just so and so

Edit: it’s not as easy as these romance stories make it smh

So I’m not gonna say he’s the most different character we’ve never seen before but I will say, I LOVE his growth and his maturity. Most of the times if a male is “saved” or helped greatly by the fl that dude loves her completely and only her and allll this. For once we get someone who doesn’t and knows the difference. Then using this and his previous growth, he’s able to find and attain the relationship he actually wants/wanted in a healthy manner while always cherishing tohru. AMAZING. I always HATED when male leads ended up with other girls (greedy I know) but this relationship cured me, they were just so perfect and well explained? I truly adore Yuki being able to see what he actually wants and not be blinded by tohrus help.

So I’ve heard so many people say recently, habits changing and emotion work can fix depression especially with a professional. My own family told me to just do more. So I have MDD, and to finally be able to live I got on meds and made a routine but without the meds I couldn’t even get up to do the routine. I felt like physically unable to do anything like in a daze. So was I just not trying hard enough? I see so many people tell me mdd is something that goes away quite often but I got it one random day in middle school and kept it for 7-8 years? Am I the issue here. Because realistically I feel like without the meds I’ll just go back, I don’t see myself getting off of them and being healthy. I used to hate meds because I thought they changed your personality and I didn’t want to rely on anything but they are my life savers as of now. Is that bad?