r/aromantic

im more happy/comfy not knowing where I am on the Aro spec for the past few months I’ve been questioning and spiraling it a lottt 😭 like that was high key the HARDEST thing I have thought about in my life especially the fact that what I’m feeling is very ignored by a lot of society than me being bisexual and Girlflu/fluid. but Im done with that shit!! I’m still aroallo, idk where I am on the spec but I’m happier just not knowing!

I don’t know if I’m the only one who thinks this, so let me know your opinion on this as I’d like to know more perspectives of aromantic people like me on this topic haha.

For me, romantic relationships are so tiring. It’s too much, at all times, and when it’s not, the other person thinks you lost interest in them.
When I was in a relationship in the past, I always felt so tired of constantly keeping up, constantly telling and reassuring them that “yes, I do still like you”
For me, it’s just too much, the constant messaging, the constant stress of making mistakes, I don’t know, maybe this is just a personal experience with a particular someone, maybe I’ll always feel this way towards romantic relationships

Im not disgusted by love or romance, not at all, I’m simply unable to establish a romantic relationship with someone that way, as I also don’t feel attracted to people in general (even when I was in a relationship in the past, I kept lying to both of us and denying this part of me).

So lmk what you think, I’m intrigued by the opinion of other aromantic people on how they view romantic relationships!

Yeah, hi. I'm aroace, and I am pretty much self aware of that for 4-5 years now. Currently, I'm in the pretty queer open and accepting community, I never got mistreated or badmouthed for opening up about it. And the label? It feels like a puzzle piece fitting in.

However, no matter how many nice things come around, the self acceptance is never there. I know thats the way I am, I can understand that my feelings towards people are more queerplatonic and liminal than romantic/platonic per se. They feel like something thst doesnt fit in neither of cstegories but is awfully strong once it settles. But no matter what, I can't get rid of a feeling of lacking something fundamental. Like having diffrent sort of feelings for people will never be enough. I'm currently going through a fallout with my closest person [with whom I discussed getting into relarionship with, but posponed it due to our mentla healt being not in the best shape], and one of the reasons is that they just claimed they can't see things going forward with me being on the spectrum. Seeing all my friends discussing relationship, emotional comfort shared with someone else, all these ideas and activities?

It stings. So bad. Because the gnawking feeling thst I'll never be able to get such treatment and find someone who I can call my own person hurts so bad I wish I wasn't aroace. That the way I feel will never be fulfilling enough for anyone to stay and stick around, let alone entertain anything.

I know there's nothing bad about it, don't get me wrong. I think it's beautiful that feelings can be so variable, diffrently percived, and that logically I'm not lacking. But the haunting feelings are still there. And many times I find myself wishing I could just conform to the majority and accualy expirience those things without overthinking and doubting, that in the end, no matter how hard I try and how much effort I put it what I feel won't be 'proper' and seen as lesser.

sigh.

Something most people will never understand is how HARD it is to be aroace and independent (specifically as someone who doesn’t date and has no intention to) in our current economy and society. It genuinely makes me feel insane. I’m 26, no one my age is moving out of their family home and if they are it’s with a romantic partner. On the off chance I find another single woman/enby (I’m way too scared to live with a cis man) looking for a roommate, I can’t trust them not to bring men into the house. So right now I live alone and have to support myself 100%, and society straight up isn’t built for that. Not to mention I’m out of a job right now. All my friends who are also struggling to find work are supported by their partner. It’s just really hard.

Hater no.1 over here… Turns out I did not want to date them, just didn’t hate them!

and simultaneously the best feeling I’ve ever had. I’ve had squishes before and they’re intense but this is something else, it feels too much for platonic attraction but not quite romantic either it’s indescribable.
I want to talk to her all the time everyday and can’t stop thinking about her, it’s kind of obsessive. I’m not even sure I’d want to be in a relationship with her because I like our friendship dynamic but I would if she asked me, I just want her to be happy

I feel like she’s the only person who’s ever known me, I don’t really tell people I’m close to stuff about me I’m just not an open person but I feel like I could tell her anything, I’d do anything for her
I would tell her but it’s so embarrassing and I sound insane, I just don’t want to be too much I guess

I say all of this and I’m still romantic repulsed it’s weird

I wanted to post here because if I told my other friends they would think it’s romantic attraction because they’re alloromantic atleast to my knowledge

Ok so I’ve identified as aromantic for nearly a year now. My feelings about it have pretty much been confused for years. When I had a girlfriend a big fear of mine was not being attracted to her, and then I kinda realised maybe I’m not- and now it’s almost flipped a switch to wondering whether I am attracted to some people.

Anyways I am posting this because I’ve had an allo friend before talk about people and say ‘maybe they’re in love and just don’t know it’- yet I have been told by many people, aro and allo, that if you have romantic attraction you’d know it like it slapped you in the face. Just recently I’ve more consciously than usual noticed myself noticing people around me and thinking they look interesting or so on, and yeah sometimes it makes me feel a bit nervous or heightened or something- I saw someone in a cafe recently who sat down, I think what sparked my interest was their sunflower lanyard cuz they seemingly have a hidden disability like me and clearly enjoy using cafes to do things like writing and reading and relaxing like I do, and I almost felt an urge to go and sit with them and introduce myself and talk- and yeah it made me confused so that’s “fun” (sarcasm) I guess.

I don't know if it's common or if there's a word for a desire for domestic relation or partner? I enjoy the idea of a married life as long as it remains at home. So no PDA, not appearing to people as a unit, existing outside each other's lives but they're still an extension of it. I don't see kissing and the like as romantic actions per say but I enjoy it sensually as long as the other is someone I trust and feel safe with.

A lot of my attraction (generally, idk what it is specifically) also has to do with how domestic someone is. Like how they appear naturally without makeup and how comfortable we are in each other's spaces. Essentially roommates without any of the cons seems great. And it doesn't feel the same as best friends rooming together due to how intimate it still is, both emotionally and physically.

I know aros can have this arrangement, but I've not seen discussion about attraction on the grounds of sharing a domestic life.

Would love shared experiences and how people tackle this, because every time I try to explain it, it gets regarded as too romantic by aros or too aromantic by alloromantics 😭

I am pretty confused

For I “am” aromantic, but I have a partner

Apparently an aromantic is someone who feels “little to none romantic attraction”, so I thought it’s just that

But I think about it a lot

I think I like him just as he likes me

But it feels…fake sometimes

He is being all corny and saying stuff I know I’m supposed to reciprocate. You know, typical lines like “every love song reminds me of you” or something

But I just don’t feel like that

And I’m afraid I’m forcing myself to think I like him

I know I’m broken. I broke my capacity to fall in love as a kid, constantly forcing myself to chose someone to “be” in love with to feel normal

But I’m afraid I’m not really getting stuff

I don’t know if I just like him in my twisted, fucked way

I don’t know if I’m forcing myself to like someone and it’s gotten to the point in which we actually have a relationship (again)

And I don’t know if I count as aromantic or not

I’m tired

Wow I came out as aro since my breakup a month ago and I feel so free! Romantic relationships always felt either desperate or controlling to me so I'm glad I found myself!

I feel in control of my relationships and I feel so much closer with my friends again.

Go aromanticism!

I, F20 (aro), have been friends with a few other girls who are not on the aromantic spectrum, and we’ve been friends since middle school.

These days I’ve been noticing that they talk about men and dating a lot more often than they used to. Back in middle school and high school, we would talk about sports we liked, tv shows, and other interests. However, now it seems like all they talk about is men. Topics such as gushing over celebrity crushes, workplace crushes, complaints about being single, and honestly going out of their way to interact with anyone who happens to be male. Not going to lie, it irritates me how much they care about male validation/attention. I don’t understand crushes or want to date, so when they talk about these topics I don’t have anything to contribute. My friends know that I am aromantic, but they don’t really understand it/believe I haven’t met the right person.

It’s sad knowing I’ve outgrown a group of friends who I used to consider family. I guess it’s time to meet some new people. 🤷‍♀️

I just wanted to share my experience of how I figured out I'm an aroallo.

For the longest time, I was convinced that I was either bisexual or pansexual because I felt an equal level of romantic and sexual attraction towards every gender.

But it turns out it was because I didn't feel any romantic attraction to begin with and sexual attraction? I felt too much of it.

Honestly, my friend had once told me that I might be aroace because of how messy my love life was and how I struggled to even say "Ily" to my partner in a loving way.

I can say stuff like that to my friends just fine but when it's a romantic partner, I can't. (Don't ask why I even went into a relationship when I can't even say Ily, rant for another time)

But the thing is, I do feel sexual attraction, a little more than what's considered normal. And that thing even the confused teenager me knew, which is why I was in heavy denial for a long time.

Until I found out that aroace isn't always a package deal and a person can be an aromantic and feel sexual attraction. The amount of relief I felt wnen I learned that information is something I can't describe. Because everything actually made sense upon that information.

But I still tell people I am an aroace because it's just easier that way, and I just KNOW people will call me a whore or a slut just because I feel things differently than they do.

Especially because I live in a place where people can't even fathom that same gendered people can love each other in a romantic way.

I haven't told anyone about this because it's kind of a tough topic to bring up. I am kinda afraid my friends will look at me differently if I told them I am aroallo, but I needed to get this out of my chest.

Which is why I am here.

thank you for taking the time to read this.

Hi, i’ve been on birth control (Yaz) for acne (7 months) and ever since i’ve been on it I could sense myself becoming less attracted to men, as in feeling very neutral about them. It’s like men who used to be my type don’t seem romantically or sexually appealing to me, I just think to myself that I would want to be friends with them. I also used to have a porn addiction but now it’s completely easy to forget about it. Plus, I don’t crave physical intimacy like I used to and I would be fine not doing it ever again. Thinking about doing it actually makes it feel like it’s a boring task. I’ve also become devoid of romantic desires and it’s like I don’t understand why people would choose to be in a relationship anymore.

Has anyone else ever become aromantic/asexual after taking the pill?

imma just.. share something thats been on my mind today

maybe its because im in this weird position of being the resposible one in my friend group, even though we are close in age, since we started living together i have been put in this 'parent' like role, which is fine, i kinda grew to like it

so, they are allo romantics, they wanna date and marry, the whole experience, which also fine, im super happy to just be along for the ride.. what got me to write this today tho is how they are about talking abt sex and their romance endeavors lol

i dont get it!! i know they talk among each other about these things like normal, but they dont tell me anything, but in the rare ocasions it happens, idk.. they turn into teenagers giddy about doing something 'wrong'

does that make sense? lol

and i cant help but feel like i am being kept out of the loop, like... just speak normal to me damn it lol

i am aroace but i am also a nsfw artist and i work with porn, and they know about it, i dont get why they gotta be secretive about it with me...... i think about sex too you know, i just dont like people close, i could very well join the conversation! lol

idk if its because im aro or because im the parent like figure that they act like that

this not exactly a rant bacause im not mad about this, im not sad about it ...it just feels weird? lol

but when i think about it, 'sex'/'romance' is just one more topic i dont belong to(?), as a non binary i never felt welcome in the girl groups or the boy groups, and im also not gonna be invited(?) to conversations like 'oh my date went like this' or 'cant stop thinking abt person X they are so dreamy' or 'im planning my wedding yay'........ feels like im on a road to isolation, i dont wanna be a hermit !!

( ; ω ; )

I’m lonely. I have no friends, am not close with family and of course not in a relationship. And of course not seeking romantic relationships. I’m a yapper complainer so you will see me in relevant subreddits going boohoo woe is me about it.

What’s frustrating though is that those spaces are full of people for whom the definition is loneliness is being single. And many of those people have been single for less than a year. I’m sitting here having to simulate conversations with myself, recording myself talking to listen back as if I had someone talking to me. Talking to myself out loud. Writing notes in my phones as I’m texting myself. You know, real loser shit. Meanwhile, 99% of people in subreddits for lonely people have friends, loving parents, close siblings …. but oh nooo they’re single. Oh nooo their last relationship which ended like in January, will never be replicated and therefore they’re doomed for life. Meanwhile their phone is ringing every few minutes because their friends want to hang out, weekend plans with mom, siblings group chat.

I’m at a point where my empathy is just slowly chipping away because it fucking hurts. I don’t show it to the few people I’ve tried talking to (I made a post a few days ago and got chat requests I am slowly going through) but it’s the same story every time. Someone I met on here that I tried to befriend was also so lonely. But has best friends they see every few days. Has a group chat for the girls in her family and they talk daily. Last relationship was recent and guess what. She’s already in a new one. Lonely? For the couple months you were single you’re throwing around the word lonely?

It hurts of course because I’m lonely but it also hurts because it’s proof that people do not value any other relationships but romantic ones. They don’t value the love and time they have with family and friends. I know it’s not like a choice somewhat because I mean romantic and sexual attraction is natural and wanting it is normal etc but gosh. Lonely? You have a dozen people who love you and cherish you and that you see daily but you’re lonely? I also understand the whole, being in a room full of people and feeling lonely but I don’t think that’s that for many of them. They have fulfilling relationships. They just wish they also had romance, and without romance apparently nothing matters. They’re “lonely”.

I’m sorry. I’m just really fucking hurt. I have never, and seems like I will never have a fulfilling friendship/relationship with a peer because it’s not gonna be romantic or sexual (I’m saying “with a peer” because I know some people like to suggest pets or think having children is the same, it’s not).

Long story!! Recap at the end!!

...

1st year in high school, i had new classmates and there was a girl i knew but never really talked to before, but we became friends!(Lets call her Alexa) She revealed to me that she is bi and has a crush on my best friend and i was like "omg tell me more!" Cuz i like all this romance drama lol

We talked more and more! It was so cool she was so nice and funny! She would always stare at me and i would stare back with wide eyes and she would laugh and Ugh everything was so perfect!

Then we had a school trip and it was a 3 hour bus drive to our destination, and we sat together. We talked and talked, everything was pretty normal. Then Alexa suggested we play a "QnA" game (idk how to call it)

I would ask something like "ur fav color? Would u choose X or Y?" Kind of questions, but she would ask something along the lines "have u ever liked someone?"

I told her im aro but she continued asking uncomfortable questions! And then Alexa asked "would u kiss me?" OMG GUYS I GOT SO FUCKIN EMBARRASSED I FELT MY CHEEKS GETTING RED and i panicked so much! And i blurted "WELL IF I HAD TO IG?? LIKE A DARE OR SUM IDK???" oh god i could just say "no" but i dont even know why i said that! Then i said "sorry but i don't want to play anymore..." With a hat covering my whole face...

After that everything changed...

She had a best friend(Jane) who was weirdly sexual?? She would always joke about sex and stuff and touch ppl, but after this bus incident for some reason SHE BECAME EVEN MORE TOUCHY TOWARDS ME?? They together would touch me so fuckin frequently i would get hella overwhelmed, but one day Jane squeezed my butt and i SCREAMED AT HER TO STOP FUCKIN TOUCHING ME!!!!! After that she stopped THANKS GOD but i felt so violated cuz b4 screaming at her i told her multiple times to stop!

Alexa would stare at me like b4, but now i would get hella anxious about it and try to ignore it! Everyday became a nightmare!!

Remember my answer to her "would u kiss me" question? Well they decided to use it!

Our whole class would always play cards, and the loser would have to fulfill someone's wish. Very fun game i love it!

We were playing and Alexa and Jane joined. I didn't want her crush on me to take fun away from me, so i stayed... Guess who lost?? And then jane(as a winner) told me "i wish u kiss Alexa!" INFRONT OF EVERY1... And every1 were like "well u lost so u have to fulfill her wish!!!". I was cornered and kinda had no other option but to kiss Alexa☠️☠️ THANKS GOD Jane didnt specify where exactly i had to kiss alexa so i kissed her on her cheek and RAN AWAY TO THE BATHROOM!!! I blamed myself for this and ughhh it was humiliating, especially going back to class...

So i HAD TO MAKE A PLAN!! I decided to AT EVERY POSSIBLE MOMENT TO TELL ALEXA THAT I WAS AROMANTIC LMAOOO she would tell me about her character crush and i would say "omg so cute I WISH I UNDERSTOOD ROMANCE BUT YK.. IM AROMANTIC" or she would talk about her past crushes and i said "JEEZ LOVE REALLY IS MESSY, GOOD THAT I NEVER EXPERIENCED IT CUZ IM AROMANTIC!" etc omfg i really didnt know what to dooooo!!!

And one day i made a story in ig that basically said "aromantic pride!" And she answered "omg we get it" .... I got so mad tbh, but i tried to stay as civil as possible so i texted her "and nobody asked for ur opinion, i can post whatever i want!"

Her: "ohh sorry i didnt want it to come out as rude, its just a joke"

And i had an idea...

Me: "its okay, ig its also on me cuz i would always tell u about me being aro lol! Yk its actually has a very funny reasoning behind it, remember the bus ride? Lmaoo i overthinked it and thought that u have a crush on me😂😂😂😂 oh silly me, how could i have possibly thought about it right? cuz we are FRIENDS and u have a crush on my bff lol!!! So funny!!!"

Her (after a while): "oh haha! Well that explains everything! Dont be scared, i dont have a crush on you lol!!!"

And suddenly i felt freedom and control...such a great feeling i recommend!! After that she stopped being clingy, and i stopped being hella anxious about it. We actually still follow each other on social media and even talk occasionally.

...

Recap: my classmate had a crush on me and tried to give me signals, but i always used the aromantic card. After a while i confronted her and she acted like nothing happened, we are still friends.

I am an aromantic guy I have told my Mom for years that I am aromantic and don't want to date and have no intention of dating. The responses I get are just baffling to me.

My Mom and other people say things like, "You'll meet a woman who will sweep you off your feet." Or some other nonsense variation.

That's not how things work. Even though I have no plans or desire to date I can tell what the setup is like. You have to try to date, you have to ask you need to make plans and follow through etc.

If I am not trying to date, a girlfriend isn't going to fall from the sky and land on me.

People talk like it's inevitable right after telling me about difficulties in a romantic relationship or difficulties finding a good partner. They just told me dating is something they have to work at and then just assume I'll date someone even though I never try to.

The default position is not being married or having a boyfriend/girlfriend the default position is being single.

It's baffling to see someone who had to actively start and then build their own romantic relationship assume it will just happen to me.

It's baffling to me because it seems like for alloromantic people the effort is part of what makes it special to them. They achieved a good romantic relationship and I am happy for them. But why do they just assume I will have one with no desire or effort from me.

Romantic relationships don't just happen. But when people invalidate how I am and what I want out of life they talk like they do.

Hi!

So my main question revolves what my friend and I should do, both aro, about if we should or shouldn't go into a fwb. Here's a story time below and the main question after!

Story time! Okay so I have close friend, who I'll just call spark for privacy reasons. I've been friends with her for a while, like 3-4 years. We're both similar in our age around 20. And we've been close friends for a while too.

To begin, she's one of the people who made me realize 1 was aromantic as she is too. I like to believe this brought us a lot closer, we never had to worry about the "boy girl friendship" thing becuase we were aro

But recently as of late (by recently I mean like |wk nine months) I've been feeling sexual attraction for her. This isn't normal, we've both opened up about how we don't have interest in each other. And I never lied about that when I said that. I thought she was pretty and I complimented her (as a good friend would) but nothing else. But then one day that changed and now I began to feel sexual attraction.

I never told her this (pin in this for later) and for the next several months it got a little bad. I never went out of my way to be weird or assault or harass her or anything but it felt weird to me, especially because, again, we both felt comfortable as just friends. And part of me wanted to just be friends too. After all, I loved them as a friend. And I don't want a romantic relationship. But I started having thoughts of fwbs.

Then a few months later after this revelation, spark and I met up for the first time (we kinda met up one time but that was a long time ago ver briefly, and we are online friends btw). It was a very fun and I loved that week (though my wallet didn't), but I can't lie and say I didn't have sexual thoughts during that either.

All of this to say that it kinda got out of hand. I didn't want to tell her and ruin our friendship by making this sexual feeling something to tear us apart. And I didn't want her to view me as some weirdo (or something) but last night I got super drunk and I lowkey told her and now we are here.

Story time over! I got a mixed response, but her main worry is similar to mine in that if she agrees to do this friends with benefits with me (which I don't think she's just agreeing to doing it bc I asked?) that it could spiral somehow and ruin our friendship. And she doesn't want to deny and make me upset either.
What should we do? This post is kind of for both of us, as I don't really know anything about this either.
We both don't really like relationships and I'd say are pretty comfortable with how we are right now, and we wouldn't want the sexual aspect of it to take it into a possessive relationship. Idk. Is there any advice for what we should do? If so pls do share.
Thanks!

It is weird to say, but for the past 5+ years I just have never desired or sought out any relationships, I've been offered many times by people I do quite like but, I just can't, I assumed it was just hormonal or a phase but its just kinda how I am.

but finally realizing this isn't a phase where I just don't feel romance in that way is so lonely even though before this realization I was fully content living my current life and that this just doesn't really change my current way of life at all.

I'm not really sure what to call myself though, as I do feel a form of love, its just not, traditional love? I love all of my friends, I like to take them out to do nice things, and to share special moments, I have sex with people, but I just can't fall in love in that "heteronormative"(? unsure of a label that fits, because I am gay, mostly) form of love. but I do like to do typically romantic things, but I think this is just because I'm a very affectionate person more than anything. what am i.

Essentially what I'm trying to work out is : why do I feel this way in the face of the logic of my situation. what exactly do I fall under.