r/aromantic

Idk how else to describe it other than a fake crush. For me it happens very rarely but has happened a few times. Lasts for a while, but fades eventually. Fixation or obsession sounds too extreme though. For example,there was this guy; attractive, nerdy, and I sensed that we shared similar traits which made me take an interest in him. Even though my friend was friends with him, we never really spoke, we ignored each other, but I thought about him a lot, observed him from a distance, and really wanted him to notice me. I'd have random fantasies in my head about him being interested in me (cringe), but if I thought about anything romantic like kissing it would gross me out. Btw I'm not someone who stands out, I'm very quiet, boring, self-contained and probably considered unattractive so maybe that's why I daydreamed of finally being seen, but I dreamt of being seen by him specifically. I'd wonder if he'd thought about me as much as I had thought about him. I even considered the (fanciful, illusory) possibility that, maybe we're both the same kind of people, we want to be noticed by each other but neither of us want to reach out first. I'd over-analyse and ruminate on any little interaction we had (not in a weird obsession/stalker-y way). I liked the idea of him having a crush or interest in me, despite knowing my own feelings weren't romantic. It's not like I'll ever know now, I don't see him anymore, so naturally the feeling, whatever it was, faded.

I’ve been doing a deep audit of my entire relational history lately, and every single puzzle piece has finally snapped into place: I am, and have always been, an allosexual aromantic woman.
For the longest time, amatonormativity had me second-guessing my own memory. You wonder: “Did I just forget what falling in love felt like?” or “Am I emotionally repressed?” But looking back at every milestone from teenage crushes that were actually just intense platonic loyalty, to pure physical/sexual attraction that vanished the second the person left the room, the data is completely consistent. I have zero capacity for—and zero interest in—the romantic script.
Which brings me to my marriage.
My husband and I have been together for years. We built a life, had a child (who is now an adult), and have a rock-solid foundation. But I never fell in love with him.
When we got together, it wasn't fireworks, butterflies, or obsessive dopamine loops. It was simple, grounded logic:

1. The physical and sexual chemistry was there.
2. I genuinely liked his company and thought exclusivity sounded nice.
3. It felt like a reliable, sane partnership to build a life around.
   He leans more romantic than I do. Early on, he’d try traditional gestures that I completely short-circuited. Once, he brought home a huge bouquet with a single fake plastic rose tucked inside, accompanied by a note: “I’ll love you until the last flower dies.”
   Instead of melting, my brain calculated the vase-life of the cut stems and I dryly responded: “Well, only about three days of love left then.” (That plastic rose is still sitting on our TV console years later—less as a symbol of eternal romance, and more as a private comedy trophy for our communication gap.)
   Over the years, he’s simply learned that my loyalty, practical care, and sexual desire are fiercely real, but I will never speak the language of movie-style infatuation. We bypassed the fragile "honeymoon madness" and landed straight onto solid, adult commitment.
   Most aro spaces online skew heavily toward teenagers or assume that being aromantic means staying entirely solitary or only doing casual dating.
   For the older folks here in long-term marriages or partnerships: how do you experience this dynamic? Did you also skip the "falling in love" phase entirely, and how does your partner handle the lack of romantic theater?

In light of my previous post regarding my friendship breakup (Which btw I read all of your comments and I do appreciate each and every one of you for giving me support), I want to talk about how friendships are pretty much at the bottom of the barrel in our society. I'm pretty sure you've heard the phrases "People come and go! Friendships can often fade and drift apart in life and they are only for a season in your life anyway!" Meanwhile with marriage and romantic relationships..... "OH MY GOD NO!! Do not get that divorce!! Love is so beautiful and you both need to communicate and save your marriage!!" "Till death do us part!!" And even with family like the phrase "Family is forever! Family must stick together!" But with friends?? It's so weird to say that friends come and go. I really don't like this phrase and this mindset because it shows how undervalued platonic love is in our society. People want to work so hard to maintain romantic and familial relationships but they see friends as low maintenance. Now, don't get me wrong, I love romantic and familial love. And I get that some people in life will just be acquaintances and will drift sometimes. But with close friends? Yeah you do kinda owe them some loyalty.

I usually call it "compulsory amatonormativity," because it is compulsory.

I tell you my experience: sometimes, I feel like I have to have romantic relationship for many reasons. 1. Because my friends will leave me anyway, cus they'll concentrate on their romantic life, and I have to have one as well, so I won't be left alone 2. Because everyone has it and ppl try to pitty those who haven't got it 3. Because internalised bs of "romantic relationship as an ultimate goal."

I know most of these thoughts are not true, but it just,,, it sucks so much to have ppl, media around me like this. I dislike it. It's hard to get rid off it. Only try to surround myself with media like that, with unique relationships.

I want to hear other experiences, I will appreciate it

So I've been digging for stories with women who have aromantic tendencies to just see myself in the media. And I have come across a few so far my fav being Jo from little women. And I Just finished this webtoon and it was great, very found family and friendships and it felt like a warm hug but right at the end the mc ends up in a sapphic relationship with one of the friends and it is beautiful and I love it and I know aromantic people do find love and relationships and it's still really good representation fr. But I guess I'm just sad cuz I low-key wanted it to be a no romance at all kind of story. Like I want more Jo like aro rep where she ends up content single yk. 500 days of summer felt great in that regard and i felt somewhat represented as an aroallo but then summer gets married and pregnant 😣. All in all these are great stories and I'll just keep on looking for ones with no romance as tbe conclusion

Edit: Omg guys I've gotten so much recommendations, thank you so much. I have enough to occupy me for a WHILE.

I've had the thought before that if I were alloromantic, I would probably have a typical relationship with sex, and it's only because I'm not that my own holdups around sex and physical intimacy become apparent, bc if I were in a romantic relationship I would probably be comfortable escalating physicality at a societally typical pace and it would not be abnormal. (Edit to clarify: I am not ace, I am just also not a super openly sexual person. The feeling is more social anxiety than anything lol, but it gets in the way)

However, I'm not, and so I'm in my mid-20s and have never had sex, which I know isn't that uncommon, and I don't feel badly about, but also, maybe I'd like to, or whatever.

Anyways, I have a fluctuating opinion of hookups, where sometimes they stress me out, or sometimes they seem fine in theory, but then I'm talking to someone and can't follow through now that it's a real person and not an idea, or sometimes they seem fun, but maybe I'm just horny? Which I guess isn't a bad thing.

Ideally, I could have an fwb situation with someone I actually know, but I am now 3/3 on the people who I have physically intimate relationships being acespec and now living on a different continent from me, and for obvious reasons it's frankly not that easy for me to find people who are interested in some day maybe potentially having sex, but let's just be friends and get to know each other first.

So... What to do if you're easily scared but it's probably lack of experience making you scared in the first place?

I'm almost 30, never been in a relationship and never expressed a desire to have one. I've come out to my mom about my aromanticism and talked extensively about my lack of interest in romance with my sister, telling her among other things that I'd be happy to stay single for the rest of my life.

I really, really hammered it home with my mom because at first she trotted out the usual counter-arguments, and I refused to leave it at that. She assured she understood me, although she still made a few annoying comments ("I just wanted to make sure you hadn't changed your mind !"), leading to me explaining the whole shebang over and over again, until finally I thought she had really understood. This was five years ago.

Now, here come the subject of my rant. I moved country recently, at the other side of the world, and sent some pics to my family over different group chats. I never take pics of myself. Only landscapes, food and things I though were funny/cute/cool. I made friends with some people, and one of them took a nice pic of the both of us, that I decided to send to my family since it's the only recent photo I had with my face. Well, I guess I shouldn't have bothered sending anything else because suddenly everyone wanted to know who this "charming man" is, and telling me how we're "so cute together, what's his name ?", including my mom and sister. Even my aunt, which I hadn't talked to for almost a year, had nothing more to say than she was "happy to see me in such lovely company". Is that really the only thing worth noting ? Why does the sole idea of me being in a realtionship make them so happy ? Why does nothing else matter to them ??

It feels like despite everything I said, and the non-existant love life I had so far, they're all waiting for me to finally be with someone. It pisses me off so much !! How is aromanticism such a hard concept to grasp ? It’s so patronising, too, that they seem so sure they know better than me. I get the feeling they’ll still believe it's only a matter of time on their deathbeds. They will die believing it. Then their ghosts will haunt me, waiting for the chance to finally say "Told you so !".

It really is a losing battle.

This might be a very stupid question but I'm so confused.

So, I (18 agender) am alloromantic as far as I'm aware and have been in a few middle- and high-school relationships. After a particularly rough breakup at 16, I've lost nearly all my desire for a romantic relationship. I've been in a few situationships here and there after the breakup, as well as had a crush for a bit, but actually engaging in romantic behaviour (flirting, kissing, holding hands romantically) makes me feel gross and uncomfortable.

I'm not really sure why, but the thought of a queerplatonic relationship sounds so much nicer in the long-term and I know I'm definitely capable of having alterous feelings (I'd say more, but some of my irl friends have found this account so I need to be cautious). I don't know if I'll ever want a romantic relationship in the future, but I think I can still feel attracted to people in an aesthetic way? (not too sure about romantic feelings)

I guess I'm mostly figuring things out right now, but could I be alloromantic and romance repulsed at the same time, or maybe I've been on the aromantic spectrum all along? I'm not well-educated on this and I've tried researching and asking an aromantic friend but it's just made me even more confused. Thanks in advance!